The Black Sheep
FR EE . fr .. lik om e st all ra th ng e b er oo si n ze y ca o nc u g un ot .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 11 • 4/4/13 - 4/10/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
the legend of the big orange Bimbo Baggass wrote this
Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, a young Jimmy Cheek walked along the golden shores of the Tennessee River as he contemplated his freshly-appointed position as Chancellor. He dreamed of the benefits, he dreamed of the six figures, he dreamed of the many insipid emails he’d send to the student population. As he gazed across the beautifully polluted river, he imagined he’d soon own the river himself. He wanted to rule UT. He wanted it all. However, he knew that a southern university with an office full of good ole’ boys would resist his ravenous quest for complete control. He needed the help of a higher power if he would ever achieve his dreams to be King of Tennessee. Little Jim felt in his youthful heart that he could make the world a better place if he called upon the tales of old – the legend of the Big Orange. The legend of the Big Orange goes back to the university’s founding fathers. Upon claiming land for UTK, they came across a tiny orange tree, and decided, for reasons unknown, it would be the sole means of nourishment for them and their families until the university was built. Sure their children cried, and malnourished as a result of eating only citrus fruit, but you know what wasn’t malnourished? Their brains. The tiny orange tree grew into a mighty orange tree, and in its appreciation for not getting chopped down in the university’s construction, produced the biggest orange in the universe. The orange’s magic brought students from far and wide, and helped grow this university into what it is today – much like the founding fathers helped it grow from a tiny orange tree into a mighty, flourishing orange tree. The chant of “Go Big Orange” was included in the school’s early history in order to forever give honor to the great fruit that gave the university life. The Big Orange was reduced to mere legend for the years that followed, but when Peyton Manning prayed for the chance to make it to the SEC championship in ’97, the Big Orange appeared in his bedroom, crushing his bed. Manning loved the orange, and took little pieces of it with him for the duration of the season, granting him the ability to be an amazing athlete. But when he mistakenly left the Big Orange on the bus before playing Nebraska, the fruit felt betrayed. It seemed Peyton felt he no longer needed the Big Orange to succeed, so it shrunk back down to a cutie, along with shrinking Peyton’s chances of winning the National Championship. Again, the Big Orange disappeared into legend… a fresh faced leader Jim Cheek came along and asked for its assistance. Jim would be different, the Big Orange thought,. Maybe this time the fruit would get the recognition it deserved, the student body would finally put a face to their chants, and it could grow back to its original, magical size. Jimmy tried at first to be a man of the people, and placed the orange for all to see at the main entrance of Neyland Stadium. The orange represented
a future of pulp and pure glory with the new reign of Cheek. Jim’s belief in the orange was so strong, the fruit quickly grew to the size of a golf cart. He even nicknamed it “Bo.” Fans and students alike were amazed by the size of the orange, which seemed to grow every time someone believed in its power. The more that people believed in the Big Orange, the greater it grew, and the more the university succeeded in national recognition. Football continued to thrive under the warm, caring gaze of Bo.
night, Cheek took the largest crane he could find from the Henley Street Bridge construction. He drove it up to the stadium and lifted the Big Orange, carrying it all the way up pedestrian walkway until he dropped it on top of the horrendous abstract statue. As Bo was impaled on the swirls and stars of that statue, its pulp covered the walkway and rotted for days. The students used this event to justify their disdain for the statue as well as for their greedy ruler.
Players started to believe in its power. Eric Berry gave a shout out to the Big Orange in his final season at UT, stating “Don’t F*** With the Big Orange.” Manning returned to see his lost friend and wept at the sheer size of its stature; Bo now stood a towering fifty feet high.
Now the students reside in desolation and despair as the campus is demolished and athletics struggle to regain some sort of relevance. We can only hope that Big Orange will come back to deliver its grace onto Butch Jones and restore our school to its deserved grandeur.
Cheek, although grateful to Bo for all it had given the university, did not feel as though people were worshiping him. All of the attention was on the Orange. He would never attain his vast kingdom if the people did not believe in him as much as they did the Big Orange. His pure heart had turned cold and he decided to make a statement. In the middle of the
It is said that whenever Jim gets a little sentimental, he climbs upon the top of Ayers tower to overlook everything the light touches. He cries at what could have been his kingdom, then tosses gold dollar coins over the edge and into the soils of the Hill in hopes that one day a golden orange tree will grow, giving him enough money to buy all of Tennessee.
what'’s inside Spring Broke, or i know what you did in panama city
Top 10: Last Month of School Regrets
or what you didn’t do, like put sunscreen on. oops!
Don’t worry, there’s still time to get drunk and hook up with your neighbor.
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Bartender of the week Gina from The Well doesn’t like to see people abuse alcohol, so finish your beer!
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6: Senior Unaware He Has No Marketable Skills
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he is funny as shit though, and is saving himself for the perfect job.
page 7: from the streets What was your most memorable quote from spring break?
pages 10 - 11: We’re All Going to Die!!!
Table of
According to all the apocalyptic movies coming out this summer, that is.
page 12: drinking game and recipe for disaster Go Drunken Fish and Mom’s Homemade Wasted Pizza. Everything your 6-year-old self would’ve wanted!
page 14: the back page 20 sheep are hiding throughout campus… can you find them all?
pages 10-11
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word of the week Illuminaughty:
A secret society that exists on hundreds of college campuses, they aim to prevent loser freshmen from ever getting laid. “‘If it wasn’t for the Illuminaughty I totally would have slept with a bunch of skanks by now,’ the delusional freshman muttered in disgust.”
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Spring Broke:
Or, I Know What You Did In Panama City UTK Gossip Girl wrote this
Welcome back to the real world, amigos. We don’t have to think too hard to imagine how you’re doing: you’re brown to the point of being unable to distinguish where your tan ends and your thirddegree sunburn begins, your head feels like it’s being torn up by a jackhammer, taste Jäger and shame in the back of your throat, you can’t find the underwear you swear you packed, and remnants of the word SLUT remains written in black Sharpie across your butt… that stuff does not wash off easily. So what happened? You drove down to the beach with ten of your closest acquaintances and a duffel bag full of handles. You spent a hundred bucks on a new bikini that Cosmo said would enhance your curves. You got a tan before going so that you could come back looking like a dark chocolate bar. It was spring break 2013, baby! What could go wrong? It could have been that your college budget only permitted you to buy bottom-shelf booze and a twelve-pack of Keystone Light. The strangers in the condo next door let you have a Jell-O shot and a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, but otherwise you’ve been sipping on your no-name vodka that is supposed to taste like raspberries but actually tastes like cough syrup sweetened with aspartame. And that stuff would mess up someone with a liver of steel, so you’re pretty much destined to hate your existence after a few drinks. It doesn’t help that every time someone walks into the condo, or mentions getting laid, or says something funny, or pretty much does anything, someone insists on taking shots. For the first time in your life, you seriously considered robbing a liquor store at gunpoint just to have some vodka with a label that doesn’t look like was drawn by a crack-addled two year old.
Then again, it could have been the twelve hours you spent lying on the beach because you fell asleep and your ten closest acquaintances didn’t wake you up when you turned crispy. It took being swept up by the tide and re-deposited on a little kid’s sandcastle for them to even come looking for you. By that point you were redder than a lobster, had swallowed a gallon of saltwater, and you just wanted to go back to bed, except the thought of your skin touching anything made you want to cry. Too bad there weren’t any guys in the condo to rub you down with aloe besides the vagabond you drunkenly, albeit admirably, invited in for “a beer and a granola bar.” There was also that really funny tasting drink some guy handed you at the club that night. You were sort of concerned at first because it was an odd neon yellow color and smelled like a combination of lemon juice and fish sticks, but you drank it anyway because the guy was cute. The next thing you remember is falling off the bar, hugging everyone in sight, and singing the Tiger Song from The Hangover at the top of your lungs. Your ten closest acquaintances had to haul you home, where you slept for a good portion of the next day and later woke up seeing sparkles floating in the air. Yes, you’re spring break broke, not to mention you came home and had to explain to your parents why you desperately need $20 for ramen so you can eat for the next month. But as you reminisce about your multiple PCB mishaps over soggy beef flavored noodles, you realize you will do it all again next year. Besides, all bad broken memories somehow mend themselves with time and alcoholinduced nostalgia. And next year, you’re bringing a Sam’s Club-sized box of condoms.
The
Top 10
Last Month of School Regrets
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Now that April has arrived, students at UT are left with just one month of school. While this is a joyous revelation, when approaching the end of another school year you might think back and ask yourself, “Have I achieved the goals I set out for myself at the beginning of the year?” The list below can guide you in answering that question. 10.) Sleep (too much or not enough?): Your semesters fall into one of two categories – you spend too much time sleeping, or you never get enough sleep because of the late nights at the library. One way or the other, we’re always left lamenting the wasted hours that could have been spent on more worthwhile endeavors, like drinking. 9.) You haven’t beaten the new Assassin’s Creed yet: When this game came out, you vowed that you would neither sleep nor eat until you made the game your little bitch. Unfortunately (but also fortunately), your friends managed to drag you out into the real world enough times that your virtual ass-kicking has been put on the sidelines. Sorry about the broken dreams. 8.) The night your favorite jacket went missing: It never fails that at some point in the year, an item of clothing that you love wearing suddenly vanishes without a trace. You can blame it on your klepto friend Brittany, but everyone knows that this is a yearly sacrifice that must be made to the clothing gods in order to appease their appetites for cheap polyester and cotton. And you might as well start the five stages of grief, because you’ll never see that jacket again. 7.) The break up at that party: Looking back, you realize that maybe this was a drunken decision, and Brad wasn’t that terrible of a boyfriend after all. And maybe Jessica really was just asking where the bathrooms were and not trying to hit on another guy. Or maybe she’s a whore and you were right to dump her. Yeah, she’s probably a whore.
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6.) The six one-night stands: Reminiscing on your drunken behavior leads to some painful memories of that 4 that your beer goggles made you believe was an 8. And now the desperate text messages you receive every weekend bring back a flood of memories of her snaggletoothed mouth drooling all over your pillow. 5.) How haven’t you found summer job yet?: Before spring break, summer seemed so far away. But now, you’re scrambling to find something to do over the summer to either expand your resume or get some extra cash. Time to dump your resume down a few hundred bottomless pits on the internet! An internship with a Nigerian Prince will look good on a resume, right? 4.) You never fulfilled your goal of going a whole month without skipping one class: Yeah… that wasn’t very realistic anyway, especially with all the rain and construction and all that… other… stuff… 3.) Spring break left you sunburnt, broke, and sick: While this oddly cold spring break didn’t leave as many sunburnt victims as others, there are still some consequences of a week of partying with your friends that may haunt you through the oncoming weeks. And we’re not talking about food poisoning from those six gas station hotdogs you ate in under four minutes. 2.) Procrastination: It can be a shock when suddenly it’s the last month of classes and find yourself with three essays you’ve put off and a huge project due next week. Get ready to cry until the end of finals, then cry some more when you have to make up three classes this summer. 1.) You fail a class so you can’t graduate: Ouch. If you’re only one class away from graduating, yet unable to get a passing grade in one dumb class, welcome to terrible town. Unless you’re trying to pull a Van Wilder by partying and avoiding the real world forever, maybe it’s time to re-think your study habits.
The Hamburgler wrote this
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senior unaware he has no marketable skills tbs staff wrote this “I’m thinking I might as well put a down payment on a house now. Why wait? I can put it on my mom’s credit card, and I’ll make enough money in like five months to pay it off completely. Can you imagine how embarrassing it’d be if the fellas at Microsoft found out the new guy was living in some tiny-ass luxury apartment?” Senior Chris Gerblanski laughed and shook his head. “No way. ‘Have the house for the job you want,’ that’s what Trump said. Or what he would say, if he was as smart of a business guy as I am.” Chris, like so many graduating seniors, hasn’t begun to accept the reality that he doesn’t offer anything any employer would ever want. “I saw my ex Becky waiting tables at Sunspot the other day. Hahaha, what a stupid bitch! Can’t she see how degrading that is?” Becky graduated at the top of her class with a degree in speech pathology, makes roughly $30 an hour, and spends almost all of her free time sending in applications and resumes. “All the big Fortune 300 guys are gonna look at her and think ‘here’s some chick who just wants to make an easy buck and doesn’t follow her dreams.’ And then they’ll look at my resume and be all like ‘now here’s a guy who doesn’t settle for no bullshit.’” Chris proudly mentioned he’d never had a job, because he’s saving himself for “the one.” “Read the Bible, man, that’s how God wants it to be.” While he added “businessy” clip-art to all the blank space on his MS Word resume, Chris told us about his qualifications and life achievements. “Look at all this, man. Work experience: None. I got a full tank of gas, baby, unlike all these other overworked burnouts. “Philanthropy: I’m always down to give food to the hobos, as long as it’s after 2 on a Saturday and I’m not too hung over and nothing cool is going on. Oh, and I made that red equals sign my profile picture, and I always almost give a dollar to the diabetes-for-kids thing at the grocery store checkout.” “Other skills: I’m funny as shit. The other day I saw this fatty, and I was like ‘hey, fatty!’ and she looked
over and I pretended I was eating a big thing of ice cream. I’m totally down to be the office Jim. And my brain is like a steel trap, man, I remember everything I learned in school. All that stuff about inventory, factories, selling stuff, and uhhhh...ahhh, what’s the other thing... oh yeah, accountanting! If there’s a problem and they come to me all like ‘Chris, we need to know how many race cars to buy,’ I’ll be like ‘we need enough supply to meet the demand.’ Boom, that’s business.” Unfortunately, Chris is completely unaware that he’s missing 15 credit hours and still has to retake four classes before he can graduate. But instead of working on his final projects, he’s been spending his time researching ways to avoid random drug tests. “I’m pretty sure I can just pee through some cotton balls. It might not work for everybody, but I smoke so much fine sticky-ass dope-ass chronic weed that the pot molecules are definitely big enough to get stuck in them.”
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What was your most memorable quote from spring break? “Every day is Christmas in Pamaland!” - Nick
“Lemme get some of that gluten free religion.” - Kristi
“Is that tea? Yea it’s tea-quila.” - Chelsea
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The Grid
BLACKSTOCK
SPECIAL NIGHT
Friday - Sunday Rhythm N Blooms Great live music all weekend!
thursday 4/4
Steph Stewart & The Boyfriends, 10 p.m. Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 p.m.
FRIday 4/5
Rhythm N Blooms! Humming House at 9:15pm this mountain at 10:30pm LiL iFFy at 11:45pm
saturday 4/6
JP Harris & The Tough Choices at 9pm | Bombadil at 10:15pm YARN at 11:30pm | King Super & The Excellents at 1am
Thursday Blackstock UniversityCollege Night-Featuring Rehab!! Tix online at blackstocklive.com
Friday 4/12 - Opiate: The Tool Experience
College Night! $5 cover 18 +, Ladies Free $1.50 domestics
DJ Steal the Pearl
tuesday: Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
FRIDAY & SATURDAY Dance Nights at Southbound!
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Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm
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Catch all the Games Here! FINAL FOUR!
Dance Night with Ray Funk @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
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sunday 4/7
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monday 4/8
NCAA Championship! Basketball on the Big Screen Half Price Pint Night
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tuesday 4/9
The Howlin’ Brothers, 10 p.m. Half Price Pint Night
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Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
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WED. 4/10
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
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thurs. 4/4
FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
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Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
The Funeral Directory presents Ebony Eyes, Sprocket Gobbler, Billy Castro, Satchel of Magma, and Yak Strangler, 9pm, $7 Drink Specials!
FRIday 4/5
Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ NV Nightclub 18+ | 9pm | Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm Presented by Night Owl Music Trioscapes and Evan Brewer | Lines Taking Shape | Mobility Chief @ The Bowery ALL AGES | 9 PM | $10 Adv., $12 Door
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Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
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tues. 4/9
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Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Jack Rentfro and the Apocalypso Quartet with L.A.I.T.H., 8p.m., FREE! $5 Nachos, $5 Dickel Tickles
WED. 4/10
SATURDAY: Presented by Night Owl Music Trioscapes and Evan Brewer | Lines Taking Shape | Mobility Chief @ The Bowery
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College Night Thursday! $5 Pitcher of Beer and Free Buffet till 11, Karaoke Starts at 11 All new $5 Margarita Liquor Pitcher $1 Wells, $2 PBR tallboy Beer Pong Tourney!
Presented by The Untz, Midnight Voyage Productions, Rapture Productions & WUTK 90.3 The Rock Phutureprimitive | ill-esha | AFK | Hug LifeJWOB 18+, 9pm | $10 Adv, $15 Door
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l l a e r ’ e W
! ! ! e i d o t g n i o g rewrite A Tale to re e w s n e ick e end of times.” If D d n e e th ession with th s s a b w o r it u , s o e d m n a ti , ake ystem orst of y’re sure to m ive political s , it was the w e s is th e iv d m r; e ti a f m y, o m g t u s lo s e n this techno “It was the b time. the big scree note bitchin’ g n ’d ti e h it , h 3 Pickles, in no s 1 ie r. 0 v 2 D o t, in m a s t c h ie d it ig a C e e our d these of Two the sky with y e us? Look at v in e li r e ie b rr ’t a c n o ty D ol’ kit of days. an and Quinn e living in the d b n l ’l re u B o y y b k n in e Writt you th
Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating intergalactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there. What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.” Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world. Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.
Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld. What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens
are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.
Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th
Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied. She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.
What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.
What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight.” Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.
What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.” Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was dead-set on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to
ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.
After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way. What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!” Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago. 440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pacific rim JUly 12th
What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind. What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.” Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almostspoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter,
we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.
Elysium - August 9th
What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat.
What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.
What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.” Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people. That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s
World war z June 21st
What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).”
population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.
Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for first-world nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks all an unhappy peasant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours.
Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb. Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.
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bartender of the week Gina the well Favorite movie: Shawn of the Dead
Dreamjob: Anything in Kava.
Favorite show: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Signature shot: “The best shot ever.”
Favorite drunk munch: Omelets stuffed with everything. Favorite beer: Wells and Young’s Chocolate Stout. Favorite liquor: El Jimador Tequila with a cinnamon orange. Favorite pick-up line: “I own a bar.” Pet peeve: People who don’t finish the last sip of beer. It’s alcohol abuse!
the drinking game:
Worst night to bartend: The ones when I’m hungover. Best sports team: The underdogs! Superpower: Premonition Best hangover cure: Vitamins, Goody’s Powder, b-complex, and eating. Best night for drink specials: There’s something special every night.
recipe for disaster:
Go Drunken Fish
mom’s homemade wasted pizza
While some people love drinking games, others would rather get trashed without having to play by the rules for twenty minutes. Instead of painfully re-explaining the rules for Irish Poker or Circle of Death to all your drunk and dumb partygoers, stick with a game so simple even the most intoxicated drinker can understand.
You have no clue how to really cook. Though your mother has made you countless homemade meals over the years, you still think preheating an oven means getting to it before other male ovens start trying to plow it. This recipe’s both easy and delicious; you can’t go wrong with a big-ass pizza.
What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and some obnoxiously fruity vodka. Number of Players: Four to six players. Level of Intoxication: When done right, by the end you will have forgotten how to play.
What You’ll Need: Two packs of crescent roll dough, a jar of tomato sauce, a massive amount of different types of cheeses, and any pizza toppings you desire (sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapples, garlic, etc.) Cook Time: About 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: Pizza is a vegetable now, so you’re fine. Let’s Get Baked: - Press the crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far as it’ll go. - Bake the dough for about eight minutes on recommended baking heat (probably 400 degrees). - Take the pan out of oven and lower the oven temperature to 200 degrees. - Spread the tomato sauce over the dough. - Load on that cheese until you think you have more than enough. Then add more. - Add your momma’s favorite toppings to the pie and throw it in the oven again until the cheese melts. - Serve your mother the homemade pizza with a smile and a kiss.
How to Play - Give each player a shot glass and keep the bottle of vodka in the middle of the table. - Take one shot before the game begins. - Pass out five cards to each player and place the remaining cards in the middle, face down. - The point of the game is to get as many matches as possible, just like regular Go Fish. After each player looks at their cards and sets aside their matches, the game begins! - If a player is only left with one card after pairing up their matches they may take two more cards from the middle. - The dealer starts the game by asking another player for a card (“Mary, do you have a 5?”) The player must surrender the card the dealer asks for and take half a shot. - If the player does not have the card they must shout, “Fuck you, fish!” The dealer must take a half shot and a card from the middle. - The process is repeated for every player until everyone uses up his or her cards. The Game Ends When: All the cards are used up. Count up your matches to see who has the most.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
When you’re done with this, be sure to take a pic for posterity. Just wait until the sun’s up before sending it to dear ole’ mom.
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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