TENNESSEE FALL ISSUE 1 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FR from EE! Lik hom e all e be the b fore ooz you e you cam sto e ba le ck.. .

Fall 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

THE OFFICIAL 2015 UTK SURVIVAL GUIDE TOP 10: REASONS WHY WE’LL MISS BOOMSDAY FORT SANDERS BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E W ! N O I T A N L VO

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Cory Chitwood ADVERTISING MANAGER Christine Hibma WRITERS Alex Harward Taylor Croteau Preston Watson SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Nicholas Kilano

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham OWNER Atish Doshi QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER Chloe Conner

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 321 N. Clark, Suite 2550 Chicago, IL 60654 Contact Corporate: 312.224.8320 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

it’s FOOTBALL SEASON

at cool beans! COME WATCH

nfl sunday ticket on our 13 tvs!

GET READY!

WELCOME BACK, UTK!

$2 domestic drafts happy hour on wells $.50 hot wings & boneless wings $4.99 fries & cheeseburger

1817 LAKE AVENUE COOLBEANSBAR.COM • 865-522-5417

WE DELIVER TO CAMPUS! TUESDAY: BUY ONE 14” PIZZA, GET SECOND 14” HALF OFF! CARRY OUT & DELIVERY SATURDAY: WATCH UTK GAMES WITH ANY BEER FOR $2

(865) 247-0380 - 4618 KINGSTON PIKE - KNOXVILLE

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.” Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game. I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

how to obtain money now that you’ve been fired from your summer job... JULIE wrote this

START HERE!

WHY DID YOU GET FIRED?

I’m just a bad employee

“Creative differences”

START HERE! how quickly do you need money?

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

so you have trouble with authority?

I’m a pure cinnamon roll

I could wait a few days Like, yesterday

Screw the “Man”

Enough I still own a flip phone

I wasn’t bullied for nothing

are you a hoarder?

do your parents love you?

We cool

thoughts on medical procedures?

Define “love”...

Maybe

Naw man

I’m open to options Hard pass

is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

are you cool with possibly being arrested?

No I don’t think so I would do sex stuff

what is your ideal vacation

I’m down

but are you smart?

Vegas, baby! Backpacking through Europe

are you feeling lucky?

Yeah, street smart

are you cute? E = extremely so Lucky to be alive

My mom says so!

Like a punk Hella cute

My stuff is

donate plasma

start gambling

marry rich

sell your crap online

beg your parents

become a hacker

Skills Needed: Ability to sit still for an hour, reliable transportation, and no fear of needles

Skills Needed: Luck of the Irish, respect for Native Americans, and a tolerance for a lot of cigarette smoke.

Skills Needed: Pretty head, good in bed, and ability to smell wealthy, gullible people like a bloodhound.

Skills Needed: An eBay account from 2008, packing peanuts, and complete lack of nostalgia for anything you used to own.

Skills Needed: Middle-to-upper class background, a good puppy-dog face, and no sense of self-respect.

Skills Needed: Ability to code, a friendship with the group Anonymous, and a “V for Vendetta” mask.

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you. Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now. Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits. Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home. Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates. So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice. 4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both. 3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday. 2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary! 1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that. By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later. ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week. TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it. Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 28th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once. GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you. You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd. Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 30th. CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 29th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 4th. VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 1st. LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft. They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside. Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 29th, they’ll want to ketchup with you. SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 29th. CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero. They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked. Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 2nd this week. AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once. Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you. Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 3rd. PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good. Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 4th.

JULIE wrote this

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0? GRETA, 21

“I would get a tattoo of Smokey on my ass.”

YOUR 2015 UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE SURVIVAL GUIDE Cory Chitwood wrote this

EVAN, 21

“Man, probably something I wouldn’t be proud of.”

Whether you’re a freshman or a sixth-year still “trying to find what you’re passionate about,” you’re gonna need some aid this year when it comes to UT. First of all, the campus looks like Baghdad in 2004. And yes, it’s even worse than last year. UT literally bulldozed a park on Lake Avenue and just covered it in gravel. These people just don’t give. A. F*ck. Anymore. Getting around is a nightmare (what’s new) and the strip is the kind of situation that will end up in a book of things not to do at some point in the future. You’re welcome for the heads up. On the safety side of things, UT Police have new cars. They’re all-black, but we don’t know if they’re any faster than the old ones yet. Someone go find out for us and get back to us. And, even though there’s all new cars, it’s the same old officers. But hey freshmen, you haven’t put on the 15 yet so you can definitely still outrun them on foot through Presidential Courtyard at 2 a.m. when you snag about 5 Cokes for free from the PCB store. Football, bitches! Ignore the hype for now. Football season is so soon that it’s all anyone can talk about. We’re pretty sure that nuclear war could break out and no one in Knoxville would know because all anyone talks about is football. Things are looking so good that UT Police are probably training to combat post game riots that will result from celebrating. Do us all a favor and look twice, check it thrice before you drive through an intersection, because if you run over a football player, you’re gonna have to defect to North Korea. That’s the only place someone won’t be able to hunt you down in retaliation. Also, the first game is in Nashville. So don’t be the guy that takes three joints to the face the day of the game only to end up at an empty Neyland Stadium. Vols help Vols. As far as college etiquette goes, there are a few friendly reminders: It’s hot. Some people sweat a lot when walking to class. If you’re one of those guys, don’t wear a grey shirt if you’re trying to get girls to talk to you in class. Because nothing resonates with a girl more than two big wet pit stains under each shoulder of your Comfort Colors shirt. But hey, then again, if you do that then it’s an easier playing field for the rest of us, so you do you. If you’re worried about your grades, don’t. Statistically, a lot of you will flunk out no matter how hard you try. So don’t sweat what you can’t control. How do you deal with it then? Alcohol. Welcome to adulthood. Also, some of you will inevitably be arrested for something, so always surround yourself with people who are slower than you. They can’t take you all. Most importantly though, be alert for the Big Orange Screw. It lurks everywhere. It’s there when you pay $182 for a parking pass and drive around for three hours looking for a parking spot. It’s there when you forgetfully buy a snack with your own money instead of the mandatory dining dollars. It’s there when your RA is banging on the door and you just tapped the keg. It’s there when you buy your book for a class and it gets cancelled and UT doesn’t refund the purchase. You can try, but it will get you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But when it does, don’t be a bitch about it.

NATALIE, 21

“I would singlehandedly pave Cumberland Avenue with no lunch breaks.”

Twitter THE BAR GRID

@BLACKSHEEP_UTK

SPECIAL NIGHT

WED: 1/2 Price Tall Boys & 24oz Cans $4.99 Burgers

MONDAY: Three 3-Topping Pizzas $21.00

THURS.

Tito’s Bingo @ 9pm $4.50 Double Tito’s Drinks During Bingo $2 Domestic Bottles $7 Double Red Bull Vodka

Mexican Night! $1 Tacos, $2.50 Mexican Beers $4 Margaritas, Music Upstairs

$0.55 Wings and $1 Off Drafts *Dine in Only

Craft Can Night and Video Game Tournament $1 off Craft Cans

Patty Melt in Your Mouth Thursday $1 PBR

FRI.

Tennessee Volunteers Pregame Party $5 Bushwackers $5 Double LIT’s

$3 Domestic Bottles, $4 Tall Boys, $4 High Gravity Beers, $5 Walk Me Downs, DJ Stan Upstairs

$2 PBR

$8 Hookah Night Live DJ

Fish Fry Friday $1 PBR

$5 Double Jim Beam Drinks

$3 Domestic Bottles, $4 Tall Boys, $4 High Gravity Beers, $5 Walk Me Downs, DJ Low Upstairs

ALL Beers $2

Happy Hour Every Mon-Sat 4-8pm!

Super Saturday Hamburgers $1 PBR (excl. gameday Saturday)

SUN.

NFL SUNDAY TICKET $5 Double Wells $2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles $4.99 Cheeseburger and Fries $.50 Wings

Available for Private Parties

Pitchers Starting at $6 and Up

$1 off all Crafts and Wells

Come on in! $1 PBR

MON.

Pint Night $2 Domestic Drafts $2.50 Craft Brews $5 Double Rum and Cokes $.50 Wings

Available for Private Parties

Three 3-Topping Pizzas $21.00

$8 Hookah Night

$1 PBR

TUES.

Challenge Entertainment Trivia @ 9pm $2 Domestic Drafts $4 Double LIT’s $3.50 Fireball

Available for Private Parties

Any Topping 14” Pizza Half Off *Dine in Only

Two Dollar Tuesday! Domestic Cans $2

Taco Tuesday $1 PBR

Pint Night $2 Domestic Drafts $2.50 Craft Brews $2.50 Jim Beam Drinks

1/2 Price Tall Boys & 24oz Cans $4.99 Burgers

Half Priced Wine Night

Wow Wednesday! Philly Cheese Steaks Specials! $1 PBR

SAT.

NFL SUNDAY TICKET $5 Double Wells $2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles $4.99 Cheeseburger and Fries $.50 Wings

WED.

ON THE STRIP

Free beer on away games till the ﬁrst score!

2 Calzones for $12.00

Liquid Lunch Mon-Fri Specials on Selected Craft Beers

Everyday: $1 PBR (excl. gameday Saturday)

BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

BOB FROM FORT SANDERS YACHT CLUB

Relationship Status: Single Major: English, Creative writing Favorite Drink: Negroni Favorite Shot: Jagerbomb Disgusting Drink: Alien Brain Hemorrhage What’s going to be all the drinkin’ rage this school year?: Uber all over the city. You’re gonna see kids be like: “20 bucks for west Knoxville? Let’s go to Bullfeathers!” Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeout sesh in Fort Sanders Yacht Club?: Out back behind the dumpsters, which I can’t recommend. There are no sneaky spots, just love. What’s the best thing that happened to you this summer?:

Brewery moving in next to my apartment. What’s something you wish someone told you when you were a freshman?: No matter how certain you are, never declare your major until you have to. Which 2 swear words are best put together?: F*ck-nut. What is the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: Be too lazy to go to dinner. What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: The octopus. Who knows what that’s supposed to mean? Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It has a long history in funny. It’s goddamn history.

THE NEW STUDENT UNION BUILDING IS BIG, BUT IS IT TOO BIG? Nick Kilano wrote this

With the demolition of Carolyn P. Brown Memorial University Center entering its final stages, students and staff alike are forced to take refuge in the alarmingly large Student Union Building. The new Student Union, constructed at 15,000 square feet, is the most unnecessarily large building of the entire campus – or at least that’s what we thought until we saw it somehow packed with thousands of students on the first day. Seriously, where the hell do all these people come from? With a new book store, a new Vol Shop, and a new Office Max installed with the capacity to store Soviet ICBMs, students can expect to continue to pay outrageous prices for books they will only open once throughout the entire semester. Coupled with every known fastfood restaurant imaginable under the banner of “Campus Dining” (at a school plagued by obesity issues according to recent reports, no less), Career Development, indoor Olympic swimming pool, NASCAR track, industrial size airplane hangar, and another 10,000 square feet that no one has any idea on what they will fill it with (probably the piles of our tuition cash for them to dive in); students and faculty alike agree, the new Student Union is LARGE.

But what does that mean for the University of Tennessee, to have such a large building as the new face of their Knoxville campus? Probably not a damn thing, if you’re wondering about the Top 25 campaign that continues to hobble forward. Surely there isn’t some other large building, whose size could almost be phallus reminiscent. Maybe it could be located on top of a hill, where students dread trudging for some of the less popular classes, like math and algebra. However, with the new Student Union Building, a space large enough to accommodate 60,000 yowling cats, people will no longer have to consider going to Ayres for the full Big Building Experience. One individual in particular, Sam Nelson (73), a returning adult-student who can often be seen wandering around Hodges Library said, “I think I’m lost.” He brings up a good point. Do any of us know where we are, while such glorious construction projects destroy the very fabric of Academic Routine for the sake of enhancement? Nelson went on to comment, “Where’s a One-Stop?” And he is most definitely correct. When should one stop in this immortal, if not immoral construction project that has plagued The University of Tennessee now for the better half of its existence?

Though the sheer size of the new Student Union Building is nothing short of breathtaking, there is so much more that The University of Tennessee could do with the building than for academia, or books. One surfer, Micky McClansky (23), from California mentioned, “It is such a waste that an indoor wave-pool has yet to be constructed on campus, and the new Student Union Building is such prime surf, brah.” Wise words from someone who loves to surf that moved to a landlocked state.

Whether this new building is a mar on the face of the University of Tennessee or the angelic herald of a brighter tomorrow that the school needs in order to convince more students to waste their time and money on this prestigious institute (at least within a 50-mile radius), the fact remains that this giant blemish is here to stay. The good news is, however, that at least the Pedestrian Bridge is completed, so you no longer have to make that obnoxious detour for the classes you hate, except for a block further down the street, where there is another massive construction project. Go Big Orange, baby.

PAGE 10

THE TOP TEN

REASONS WE’LL MISS BOOMSDAY

THANK YOU FOR THE MANDATORY MEAL PLAN Taylor Croteau wrote this

In light of the mandatory meal plans that go into effect this year, Jimmy Cheek has been getting a whole lot of shit, which let’s be real, is becoming our favorite pastime at The Black Sheep. Students have been complaining about outrageous prices in campus stores for years and now The Big Orange Screw has the audacity to require each student to partake in the establishment. Fight the man, they say. Nay, we say! While these may seem like understandable complaints, we’re here to tell you to leave Jimmy Cheek alone. The only possible reason he could establish a mandatory meal plan is to build our campus community. The campus that eats over-priced food together stays together. Because it’s legally required to. Just think of all the Big Orange Love that will flourish every time a student purchases a $20 box of cereal! Think of the community that will thrive as we bond over $15 ham and cheese sandwiches! Think of the joyous camaraderie that will flood campus as we all feast on PCB pizza and hotdogs! Jimmy Cheek is not a tyrant; he’s a hero – kinda like Mao in China. Everywhere across the country, inferior campuses with unrestricted food options collapse on a daily basis, because the students simply have no loyalty. We heard Alabama doesn’t have a mandatory meal plan; do we really want to live like those savages? A mandatory meal plan is the only way to control the masses. Imagine the madness that would ensue if we were able to purchase food at Publix with Dining Dollars. Sheer anarchy, we tell you. We’re just not ready for that as a country yet. Would you honestly rather spend your money at any of the many corrupt businesses off campus? You don’t know what they’re doing with your hard-earned dollar (probably nobler things than UT, honestly). That traitor’s cash could be going towards the Hillary Clinton campaign. You just never know. Is it worth the risk? On campus, you can rest assured that your thousands of dollars of UT Monopoly money are being put toward the just cause of keeping Jimmy Cheek and his compatriots out of poverty, and whatever lucky bastard owns all the construction equipment around here. While you sit at home, eating your treacherous homemade meal, imagine these poor men weak and lonely in their only moderatelysized mansions. Still against the mandatory meal plan? What kind of monster are you? It’s about the good of the whole, not the individual. Jimmy Cheek is an unbelievably generous man who knows nothing but the joy of giving unto others. Praise Cheek! We must follow him loyally or we shall surely fall. We should rejoice in his name as we bow our heads before our POD salads. In his infinite wisdom, he seeks only to teach our young minds and souls the power of a budget. If systematically taking control over all our financial assets is an unfortunate consequence, then so be it. No greater leader has ever existed. Praise be. So, to Jimmy Cheek, we must give thanks. Thank you, from the depths of our hearts, for the tremendous lessons you continue to teach us everyday. Lessons of true leadership and control. Lessons of power and profit. Without you there would be no University of Tennessee, as we should all surely succumb to the terrors of freedom and liberty! Thank you, Jimmy Cheek – for being a bro, again.

A sad day has come to the city of Knoxville – the end of an era, really. Our hearts are heavy as we prepare for the last and final Boomsday celebration. Boomsday has been a long-standing tradition on Labor Day weekend in K-Town when the sky is filled with a glorious showing of fireworks and students and town folk alike get hammered for the spectacle. However, this year is the last year to witness Boomsday and take part in all of the drunken festivities. The Black Sheep has the Top 10 Reasons We’ll Miss Boomsday. 10.) The Fireworks: Aside from the Fourth of July there is no greater spectacle of fireworks on the entire east coast other than that of the Boomsday celebration. It’s a time where the sky is filled with beautiful rainbows of light and everyone pauses to look at the sky in awe and – wait, why the f*ck are they cancelling it? 9.) The Parties: Before the viewing of the fireworks, most students on the UT campus would partake in a serious of ultra-fun; booze-filled partying in preparation for the magical night. Additionally, it’s the one night that all the cops are too busy dealing with drunk adults to bust all the college kids on the row or in the Fort. 8.) The Magic: It may sound lame, but the magic of fireworks and a good night with friends is going to be slaughtered from the cancelation of further Boomsday celebrations. Boomsday truly signified the end of the summer and the onset of fall, classes, and cooler weather. Without it, there will be nothing but the harsh reality of having to get your shit together. 7.) The People Watching: Aside from the massive amounts of students who attend Boomsday, the people of the city of Knoxville also enjoy the festivities. It’s really pretty interesting to see all of the Knoxvillians come of out the woodwork. From the 8th graders trying to get handsy behind the port-a-potties to those middle-aged guys with rebel flag tattoos wearing monster flat bills trying to get with 17-year-olds, it’s a real side-show. We’ve never seen so many pairs of jorts and chewing tobacco in our lives. 6.) The Excitement: Boomsday was always so cool because even if it was pouring down rain, circa 2012, or extremely hot and humid (circa every-f*cking-year), no one really seemed to care. The festivities and excitement took away from bad weather or shitty traffic. It almost seemed as if Boomsday was a freebie. 5.) The Free Entertainment: Boomsday was also a great experience because it was completely and totally free. Everyone knows that college kids live dollar to dollar, so when something free comes around you’re inclined to participate. Plus who wouldn’t want to get hammered on cheap beer and watch a 30-minute firework spectacular? It’s definitely the bang without the buck. 4.) The History: Boomsday has been around for a while and people all up and down the east coast and in the south know that it is literally the biggest firework show around (we’re number one in something, bitches). It’s something other than football or those damn mountains that will actually get someone to pay to travel to East Tennessee. 3.) Because it’s Bound to Lead to Something Bad: What will drunk rednecks or college kids do when they don’t get their fill of large explosions? They create their own, and that’s exactly how bad things happen. Good job, Knoxville. 2.) Not the Traffic: This is kind of a reverse-reason, but we should at least acknowledge that there is one positive in all this: Boomsday traffic is about as fun as taking a firework to the face – something that you only understand if you’ve ever been through it. 1.) It’s An Explosion of Happiness: Because when you’re standing there, on top of a parking garage, surrounded by your friends, maybe your family, or maybe even strangers, all staring at the sky… you can grab the last beer while no one else is looking. And isn’t that what it’s really all about in the end?

Alex Harward wrote this

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staff wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka. Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation. Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though. Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin. - The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.” - A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur. User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed by Predator 2 later on?” - “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.” - “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…” You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights. Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.” What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart. Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truffles, perfume. We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance. Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang. - For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot. - Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that. - When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose. - If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place. - If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. - Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface. - Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine. - Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.” - Wait a certain amount of time, you decide. - Carefully remove from oven. - Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester. - Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts. Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner. Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart. You’ve got a real mess on your hands. Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day. In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole. Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy. Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole. Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe. Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair. Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain. Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system. STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested. STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next. STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs. It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot. STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time. STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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