UCONN FALL ISSUE 1 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

FALL 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

ISSUE 1

SUSAN HERBST’S BACK TO SCHOOL SEX GUIDE A SORORITY RUSH GUIDE FOR THE FRESHMEN LADIEZ FINAL POUR’S BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E W ! N O I T A N Y K HUS

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.” Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game. I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

how to obtain money now that you’ve been fired from your summer job... JULIE wrote this

START HERE!

WHY DID YOU GET FIRED?

I’m just a bad employee

“Creative differences”

START HERE! how quickly do you need money?

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

so you have trouble with authority?

I’m a pure cinnamon roll

I could wait a few days Like, yesterday

Screw the “Man”

Enough I still own a flip phone

I wasn’t bullied for nothing

are you a hoarder?

do your parents love you?

We cool

thoughts on medical procedures?

Define “love”...

Maybe

Naw man

I’m open to options Hard pass

is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

are you cool with possibly being arrested?

No I don’t think so I would do sex stuff

what is your ideal vacation

I’m down

but are you smart?

Vegas, baby! Backpacking through Europe

are you feeling lucky?

Yeah, street smart

are you cute? E = extremely so Lucky to be alive

My mom says so!

Like a punk Hella cute

My stuff is

donate plasma

start gambling

marry rich

sell your crap online

beg your parents

become a hacker

Skills Needed: Ability to sit still for an hour, reliable transportation, and no fear of needles

Skills Needed: Luck of the Irish, respect for Native Americans, and a tolerance for a lot of cigarette smoke.

Skills Needed: Pretty head, good in bed, and ability to smell wealthy, gullible people like a bloodhound.

Skills Needed: An eBay account from 2008, packing peanuts, and complete lack of nostalgia for anything you used to own.

Skills Needed: Middle-to-upper class background, a good puppy-dog face, and no sense of self-respect.

Skills Needed: Ability to code, a friendship with the group Anonymous, and a “V for Vendetta” mask.

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you. Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now. Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits. Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home. Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates. So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice. 4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both. 3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday. 2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary! 1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that. By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later. ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week. TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it. Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 28th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once. GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you. You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd. Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 30th. CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 29th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 4th. VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 1st. LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft. They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside. Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 29th, they’ll want to ketchup with you. SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 29th. CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero. They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked. Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 2nd this week. AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once. Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you. Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 3rd. PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good. Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 4th.

JULIE wrote this

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ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0? ROBBIE AND SPENCER

“I’d give up Wally’s puds” “No you wouldn’t dude” “He’s right...I wouldn’t”

SUSAN HERBST’S BACK TO SCHOOL SEX GUIDE Dischick Bad wrote this

To my dear students of The University of Connecticut, It is with theupmost enthusiasm that I inform you the most wonderful time of the year, back to school, is here. I write to inform you that I am extremely excited to announce that I am still (amongst unpopular opinion) returning as your president. Tuition is up, alcohol tolerance is low and there’s a 100% chance that you will be engaging in sexual acts. But what kind of a school would this be without a back to school sex guide written by yours truly, Susan “The Sooze Hound” Herbst?That’s right, I was a hot young mamma once, so read up on have fun, and more importantly safe, sex this year. Condoms: With all the crazy young women keeping our UConn Mental Health Services plenty busy and the gentlemen keeping them there, ALWAYS wear a condom. Condoms are a great way to prevent all sorts of STDs that all of you esteemed Huskies are walking around with herpes, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes again, and gonorrhea. Condoms are also a great back-up plan incase the gal you bring home turns out to be rather “psycho”and lies about being on birth control. (The Sooze Hound’s never done this, no matter what Coach Ollie might try and tell you.)If you’re looking for suggestions I prefer Trojan Ecstasy, which per my request are now offered at SHS. Unfortunately, condoms do not protect against “feelings” so just be sure to wear a condom and not fall in love with anyone from last week’s fraternitybox social — I hear there was a lot of this going on last year and I hope to inform incoming freshmen and upperclassmen of this epidemic. Shower Shoes (His and Hers): Gentlemen of UConn, we know how much you love shower sex because unclogging the dorm pipes is now a monthly routine. Nonetheless, if you want to get the lovely ladies of UConn into the shower with you, shower shoes are a must. Tuition prices may have gone up, but our clean, wonderful dorm showers haven’t changed

a bit. I can’t tell you how many times I’m showing investors around our dorms and have to overhear two freshmen going at it in the showers. That’s fine, love is love. But please, put some shoes on. I can’t go spending money on university podiatrists to clean the jizz out of your toes when you think I should be spending beaucoup bucks tosalt thesidewalks during the winter.

JAKE

“Take a shit in the open toilet in Ted’s”

Oral Hygiene: You would think that everyone brushes their teeth before they go out as they did back when I was in college, but this seems to not be the case.Bad breath can turn any dime into a 4 or 5, imagine you meet this fine young woman at Ted’s, she’s a “solid 10” as you boys would say, but then she leans in closer to you while talking, and you get a whiff of stinky feet mixed with the, excuse my language, Kim Kardashian’s butthole. This does not have to be a night-ruiner; simply pull out a piece of gum and ask her if she would like piece as well. Mints and gum are also useful to have with you in the morning, too, if your girl happens to not get the hint to leave at night and stays over until the morning. Have a nice stick of gum waiting for her right when she gets up because if she slept over she is probably what Coach Ollie thinks is a funny term even though it’s not, a “stage five clinger,” and is most likely going to try to kiss you in the morning. So pack an extra piece of gum in your wallet next to your extrasmall sized condom to avoid any stinky smelling ladies. Whether you crazy kids are“trashy hoes,”bangin’ brunettes like myself or both…together, this back to school sex guide will for sure bring you success and safety in the bedroom. However, bedroom performance is all up to you, so gentleman, I hope you’ve all been practicing and working on your stamina this summer because it’s game time, and I wish you all the best and safest sex. Remember, UConn is a prestigious school and you will be held to the highest standards both academically and sexually.

BRIAN

“I’d take Susan Herbst out to a wonderful dinner, get her a nice bottle of wine, and watch a low quality Queen Latifah Comedy with her.”

Twitter SPECIAL NIGHT THURS.

Thirsty Thursdays From 9 - 11 pm: 50¢ Keystone Light Drafts and Well Drinks Party with DJ J. Spring!

Free Fridays Buy one get one Coors Light bottles

Sloppy Saturdays Karaoke $4 Keystone Light Pitchers $4 Energy Drink Bomb Shots

WED.

TUES.

MON.

SUN.

Sloppy Saturdays Karaoke $4 Keystone Light Pitchers $4 Energy Drink Bomb Shots

FRI.

Blarney’s

SAT.

THE BAR GRID

$12 Fish Bowls $3 Leinenkugel’s Seasonal Drafts From 8pm - Close: $3 23oz. Coors Light Football Glasses

Corleone’s Cafe SUNDAY & WEDNESDAY: $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Beers)

$1 Taco Tuesdays $3 Corona Bottles $4 Margaritas $6 Coronaritas From 9 - 11pm: $3 You Name It From open to close: 50¢ wings

Huskies SATURDAY Nickel Night: 9 - 10:45pm 4 drinks for $1

Pub 32 Open Mic Night Tall Boy Tuesdays Bucket of 5 Tall Boy Cans - $10 (Busch Light, Rolling Rock, PBR & Narragansett)

$1.50 Sliders (Beef & Pulled Pork)

$2.50 19oz Domestic Drafts

Nickel Night: 7 - 8:45pm 4 drinks for $1

Pint Night: All Pints $3 (7pm - 11pm)

$2.50 Import and Malts

No cover all night! $2 drinks and drafts from 8 - 10pm

Live Music $3 Budweiser/Bud Light/ Bud Light Lime bottles (9pm - Close)

$2.50 Well Drinks

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Beers)

Mad Mondays 23oz. $4 Blue Moons From 8pm - Close: $3 23oz. Coors Light Football Glasses

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$3 any flavor Smirnoff Vodka

$3 Captain Morgans

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Beers)

The Final Pour Free Pool Fridays 8 - 11pm: Pint Night: $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Well Drinks Buy 1 Get One for 1¢ Apps! 11pm - 12:30am: Nickel Night Thirsty Thursday 8 - 9:45pm: 50¢ Pitchers $3 Mixed Pitchers 10:30pm - 12am: Buy one get one FREE $3 Coors Light & Miller Lite Cans Free Pool Fridays 8 - 11pm: Pint Night: $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Well Drinks Buy 1 Get One for 1¢ Apps! 11pm - 12:30am: Nickel Night No Cover Before 10pm 8pm - 10pm: $3 Blue Moon & Harpoon Drafts, $4 John Daly’s Drinks

Nickel Night: 9 - 10:45pm 4 drinks for $1

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During Football Season: $3.50 Budweiser/Bud Light 16oz Aluminum Bottles $12 Buckets of 5 Budweiser or Bud Light Bottles Industry Night: 10% off your bill $9.99 Lg Ch or 1 Top Pizza

Sunday Socials Book your events today! Sunday spots are filling up! -Bar Nights -Theme Parties -Birthday Parties -Fundraisers

During Football Season: $3.50 Budweiser/Bud Light 16oz Aluminum Bottles $12 Buckets of 5 Budweiser or Bud Light Bottles Industry Night: 10% off your bill $9.99 Lg Ch or 1 Top Pizza

UPCOMING EVENTS: Sat. Sept. 5th: Welcome Back Beach Bash Sat. Sept. 17th: National Eat an Apple Day Redd’s Bash Fri. Oct. 16th: Tailgate Party

Open Mic Night Tall Boy Tuesdays Bucket of 5 Tall Boy Cans - $10 (Busch Light, Rolling Rock, PBR & Narragansett)

$1.50 Sliders (Beef & Pulled Pork)

Trivia Night $3 Well Drinks (8pm - Close) $3 16oz. Cans

10pm - 12am: Bring ANY size cup and we’ll fill it up for $2! $2 Drinks

Join the Final Pour Pour Club TODAY! Personal Custom Bud Light 25oz Mug $3.00 Any Draft Beer, Anytime, in your Mug $4.00 Any Well Drink, Anytime, in own Mug $2.00 Bud Lt. Drafts Every Fri 8pm - Midnight No Cover after 11pm on Thursday’s No Cover EVER on Friday’s and Saturday’s

BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

ERIKA AT FINAL POUR

Relationship Status: Independently owned Major: Landscape architecture Favorite Drink: Same as everyone else at UConn…DirtyShirley Favorite Shot: Blowjobs (Baileys, Kahlua, topped of with whipped cream) Disgusting Drink: Anything with scotch What’s going to be all the drinkin’ rage this year?: Well the Final Pour is taking a turn this year with its specials and everything else, it is going to be wild. Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeout sesh in Final Pour?: Sneaky make out sesh? I don’t think anything is sneaky there, I have seen it all. What’s the best thing that happened to you this summer?: I just found out I’m bartending at

fashion week. I mean that’s really happening in the fall so I guess this interview. What’s something you wish someone told you when you were a freshman?: I wish I knew jungle juice is never an option. Always bring your own alcohol. Which two swear words are best when put together?: Fucking whore. What’s the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: Walking to a dining hall. Only drive if it is raining, snowing, windy, or leaves are blowing. What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: Bald eagle. I like older men. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: People should read The Black Sheep because you already are reading this article. If you didn’t laugh then you have no sense of humor.

A SORORITY RUSH GUIDE FOR FRESHMEN LADIEZ Dischick Bad wrote this

There comes a time once a year that the beautiful women of UConn collectively-yetsecretly wish to trade in their feminine parts for a even the smallest, most freshly-squeezedball-of-Silly Putty-looking penis; this time of year is also known as sorority recruitment. While the gentleman of UConn’s Greek system have it easy — tell a funny joke, drink as many beers as you can and be as big ofan idiot as possible — the women have a much harder task at hand. Ladies, while sorority recruitment may make you wish you were a boy, The Black Sheep has some critical tips to rush: Dress to Impress: You know that really uncomfortable dress that you bought for your 2nd cousin once removed’s wedding? Rip that baby out of your closet and throw on those uncomfortable heels and you’re all set! You’ll be walking around almost the entire day, so naturally strapping into some stripper heels is highly preferred! Also your accessories naturally play a huge role in your look. If you want a bid from a top tier sorority our advice is to buy one of everything from Lily. That way you will never be caught not

sporting a handbag with floral patterns during rush, lest you get flushed down the turdhole with all the rest of the plain ass whores who didn’t get a bid. ~!~JK EvEryonE’s a PreCiOuS FloWeR!~! Hair and Makeup: Wear as much makeup as humanly possible. Make sure that you go on Pintrest the day before recruitment and type in “pretty braid hairstyles,” the one that looks the most like a bird’s nest, that’s is the one for you! As far as makeup goes the more the merrier, you want to look as far from yourself as possible, so try to follow one of those crazy contour videos while ripping shots and you’re sure to get a bid from the top sorority on campus. Protip: A good way to make sure you’ve got the right amount of Maybelline on is if your roommate walks in and doesn’t recognize you. Only then can you go for a meet and greet with the Sisters. Read Greekrank As Many Times as Possible: Remember, recruitment is just a formality, don’t join a sorority based on your actual conversations with the girls and which house

you feel is right for you. Your choice should be 100% based on what each sorority is ranked according to Greekrank. The website is completely unbiased, 100% accurate and full of valuable information. It’s a great community that fosters positive discussion, and should really be your only tool on deciding which bid to take.

Sorority recruitment might have you wishing for a penis so you could walk into a dirty frat house, shotgun a beer really fast, win a game of Madden and get your bid. Sorority rush is a bit different and much harder to make your impact, but by following our tips, you will find a group of amazing women to spend the next four years of your insanely important life with. And if all else fails… being a geed isn’t totally worse than death.

PAGE 10

THE TOP TEN

PLACES STUDENTS WILL BE FOUND DURING SYLLABUS WEEK The sylliest week of the year is upon us. With three months to let the alcohol and bad decisions seep out of our systems, the school year has swung around to do it all again. Because distance makes the heart go stronger, everyone is dying to get back to their shenanigans in their beloved stomping grounds. The Black Sheep has done the research of the 10 most visited locations during the first week back.

The Civil ConFLiCT, Explained Johnnie Walker wrote this

In his 1st year as UConn head football coach, Bob Diaco did not have very big shoes to fill. Prior coach Paul Pasqualoni only made it halfway into his 3rd year as our head coach, with an overall record of 10-18, before getting the axe. Diaco knew that accepting the job meant a culture change was needed. No longer would the University of Connecticut be the laughing stock of the American Athletic Conference. Big things needed to happen, and happen they did. Following up a 2-8 season, Diaco made a move that will surely go down in the history books as one of the most brilliant decisions a head coach of any sport has ever made in the history of the world, ever, period. You see, dear reader, while most school rivalries go back generations, such as Ohio State and Michigan or Auburn and Alabama, Bob Diaco said “fuck that,” and invented his own goddamn rivalry. Diaco decided that after 2 consecutive years of playing against the University of Central Florida and splitting the games 1-1, there were grounds for an all out rivalry. While many were left scratching their heads over why a coach who only beat two teams all season would decide to start a war with one of them, Bob Diaco didn’t give a shit about what you were thinking. “Why do I have to call their athletic department to say we’ve got them targeted as our rival, period, what control over that would they have and what do I care what they think?” There it is, a direct quote from Coach Diaco saying flat out he does not care whether UCF even recognizes the rivalry, and you know why? Because Bob Diaco does whatever the fuck he wants. Bobby D is the kind of guy to walk into your house, sit at your kitchen table, and eat your dinner while you sit there watching like a pussy. And after that, he’ll tuck your kids into bed and bang your wife. Diaco does what Diaco wants. #PowerMovesOnly Upon finding out that he was now apparently in a blood feud only similar to that of the Montagues and Capulets, UCF head football coach George O’Leary responded the only way one would think he could. “Obviously USF is our rival. It’s hard to be a rival when you’re 9 states away…I would have gone along, I just didn’t know about it.” That smug son of a bitch O’Leary just tried to shake it off. By reading between the lines you can see that O’Leary is shaking in his flip-flopshe’s so scared. By feigning innocence, O’Leary is clearly just attempting to repress the 37-29 spanking we delivered them last year and is trying to reach back in his memory bank all the way to…uh… two years ago when they beat us 62-17. Here at The Black Sheep we read a little further into it when O’Leary says things like, “We have no involvement with the trophy or creating a rivalry with UConn.” What he really means is “Bob Diaco made me eat white dog crap once, and I’m afraid he’s gonna do it again.”

10.) Laurel Hall… Laurel Store…liquor store…: Of course students will be in need of some very expensive high-end goods for all the wine tastings they’re sure to attend. Wine tasting, or Wine Wednesday ft.Franzia, it’s all the same right? The line out the door will indeed be longer than the slew of students camping outside Gampel before a men’s game. 9.) The frat basements: Being in a finished basement at home under regular lighting just didn’t seem right the past few months. Groupies will come running back to the dimly lit rave dungeons with open legs arms. There is nothing more refreshing on a warm September night than a swig of Dubra, the Kool-Aid Man-jizz branded as jungle juice, and dance music with a bass that rattles your brain. 8.) Homer Bad-bitch! Just kidding, again. Huskies: Did anyone else miss the sweet, sweet taste of a Dirty Shirley? Avid Nickel lovers will be descending upon Huskies when the doors open Thursday night. If the line is endlessly long, fear not because students can spend this time memorizing the address of newly purchased fake IDs in hopes of finally getting in. 7.) Wally’s: Nothing beats the aroma of fried mashed potatoes to comfort bad decisions. Students come flocking to the chicken coop to mindlessly stuff their faces with Puds after a night-out. We’ve also now hit our 1 Wally’s mention per week quota. 6.) Last semester’s hook-up’s bed: Week one back in good ol’ Storrs will bring late night slurred phone calls, and “You up?” texts. Which of course will follow in a lovely morning stroll for the classy ladies of campus, because who doesn’t love to walk around campus in heels and a mini skirt on a crisp fall day? 5.) The Dunkin’ Donuts’ line: Nearly one-third of UConn students’ college careers are spent in the Union Dunkin’ line, but this goes to show where priorities stand. Therefore it makes sense to waste a little bit of syllabus week waiting for a caramel swirl iced coffee. 4.) Horsebarn Hill: This will be the one time the entire students decide to “go on a run” (take a filtered sunset Instagram) around Horsebarn because it seems like a good idea to get some exercise. The fitness-inclined will attempt to tackle monster hill, and end up struggling up it for the following three hours. 3.) Rentschler parking lot: While this may not be located in Storrs, it should be. No, students will not in fact be entering the actual stadium at all. UConn football means drinking mimosas outside the field pretending that the team isn’t going to lose every game this season. Just kidding, we’re going undefeated according to Bobby “El Diablo” Diaco. 2.) The Dairy Bar: No alcohol served at this bar, but “Husky Tracks” are quite possibly better than a tequila sunrise. We’ve all gone a summer without Dairy Bar ice cream, but now the time has come to fatten up for a cold winter. 1.)UConn’s parking ticket oﬃce: The last place on the list, the last place everyone wants to be, but will end up anyway. Goodbye dollar bills to undeserved tickets and crushed dreams.

Mini-skurt wrote this

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staﬀ wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka. Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation. Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though. Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin. - The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.” - A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur. User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed by Predator 2 later on?” - “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.” - “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…” You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights. Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.” What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart. Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truffles, perfume. We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance. Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang. - For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot. - Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that. - When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose. - If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place. - If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. - Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface. - Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine. - Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.” - Wait a certain amount of time, you decide. - Carefully remove from oven. - Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester. - Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts. Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner. Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart. You’ve got a real mess on your hands. Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day. In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole. Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy. Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole. Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe. Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair. Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain. Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system. STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested. STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next. STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs. It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot. STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time. STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name. But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not. Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.) 2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year

8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

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