UMN - 12/8/11 - v01i04 by The Black Sheep

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1) Play fun games from The Black Sheep when you're procrastinating studying. 2) Try not to get too wasted before your finals. 3) Don't cheat. Or, don't get caught. 4) Enjoy multiple spirits after your last final.

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The Fun and Games Finals Issue

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ES Z N GI UIZ I r e RTA AY , Q E! h OtENTE OLIDDLIBS MOR - - H A ND -M A

A SPECIAL

THANK

YOU

FROM US

Why hello there, As you read this to kill some time between classes, or to avoid the inevitability of your own semester-long failures, or to keep yourself entertained while your significant other talks about who knows what (we’re guessing the Kardashians or Fantasy Football), just know that it’s appreciated. You see, this issue closes out our first semester here at Minnesota, and frankly we’ve had a blast. While we can assure you that pumping out dick jokes and poop jokes issue after issue is hard work, we’re honored to have the opportunity to publish something we’re ostensibly very proud of. Like anything we’re trying for the first time there’s been ups and downs, (like sex!) some awkward, uneasy moments (like sex!) and way, way too much crying (like clown sex!), but the end result is always worth the pain. That said, we couldn’t have done any of it without wonderful readers like you, and our great advertisers who support us. You, dear reader, laugh at our bad puns. When something genuinely amuses you, you show a friend. She shows a friend, who shows a friend, who shows a friend, and in no time we have mad traction and strong word-of-mouth. You’re the dude who wakes up, decides to ditch class, and instead chooses to check out one of our advertisers. Basically—and this is no bullshit—you’re the reason this paper exists. With that in mind, we’d love to hear some feedback from you. We’ll be starting up just in time for spring semester, and we’d like you to let us know what tickled your fancy, just so we know we’re on the right track. Or, if you want to just write us some violent and vulgar hate mail, you’re welcome to do that. We get very lonely, you see. Again, let us know how you feel, baby. Shoot us a line at umn@theblacksheeponline.com, let us be a part of your lives. WHY WON’T YOU LET US LOVE YOU? Sorry, we just miss you already. Thanks again, -The Black Sheep

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Word of the week Preprosperous:

Czar Shank Em Ready Mom No

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: The generally broke nature of a college student. “Yeah, I’m gonna make so much bank when I grow up, but I’m drinking Colt 45 because I’m really preprosperous right now.”

The Dreaded All-Nighter: A Time Lapse Whenever you’ve got a big test coming up and you haven’t been to class since the last exam, you have to accept the fact that it’s all-nighter time. Once you’ve committed to the all-nighter, there’s no turning back. A student with regular study habits would study a little every night leading up to the test so that they don’t have to cram the night before, but ladies and gentleman, we are not one of these privileged few. We’ll sit on our ass for days leading up to the test, make an investment in some study candy the day before, and get down to business at night. For a more in-depth look at how an all-nighter usually goes down, The Black Sheep has prepared a time lapse guide to help rookies get through an all-night excursion.

1:00 p.m., Day Before Test - Take a heavy nap. You won’t be getting sleep for a long time after you pop that pill, so it helps to get some rest before you go to work. Even though you are technically wasting what a normal student might call “solid study time,” don’t worry about it. Remember, once you commit to the all-nighter, you’re in all the way.

10) Reorganize your closet: Love it or hate it, Minnesota had us sweating like Sandusky in church all the way through November. But before you know it winter bites you right in the ass. Get one step ahead this year and use these sleepless nights to switch out your spring and winter clothes. Unless you’re one of those assholes that insist upon wearing shorts, socks, and Reebok slip-ons year round, it’s likely that you’ll benefit from the transfer. 9) Cleanup your Facebook: Cleaning up your Facebook is the perfect way to spend an Addied-out afternoon. You can reminisce about old times, be completely narcissistic by examining every photo of yourself, and laugh at the gay shit you used to do-all under the guise of ‘preparing for the real world.’

kid that you met five years ago at your cousin’s boyfriend’s graduation party. If you have a huge problem getting distracted, have a friend that you trust change your Facebook password so that you can’t log on to your profile. 2:00a.m., Day of the Test– The test is in six hours and you’re starting to freak out because you still barely know anything. Relax, friend. You’ll be just fine. Go over your notes repeatedly, until you’ve almost memorized them. Only during an all-nighter is this possible, you’ve got all the time in the world. Make sure that you’re moving around every now and then to keep the blood flowing, or else your will literally lock into place for the next week. “Really?!,” you ask. Well, no, but do it anyway and stop asking questions, you’ve gotten this far, right?

"YOUR WHOLE BODY SMELLS LIKE BUTTHOLE AND YOU KEEP SEEING A FAIRY THAT'S BEGGING YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES FOR FIVE MINUTES."

8:00 p.m., Day Before Test – Wake up from the nap. Grab some friends and go out for a big meal, because one side effect from taking study pills is that your appetite completely disappears. So pad your stomach with tons of food, like a bear before hibernation. Soon you’ll be in your own hibernation…of awakeness.

9:30 p.m., Day Before Test– Alright, now that you’re about to puke from all the food that you just downed, it’s time to really start preparing for this all-nighter. Grab the biggest water bottle that you have, because another side effect from study pills is that they really, really dehydrate you. Unfortunately, this means that you’ll be making frequent trips to the bathroom, so make sure you set up base camp close to the necessary facilities. Open up all the PowerPoints, chapters, and notes beforehand so you’re ready to go once the stuff kicks in. Also, make sure that you’ve got some solid studying tunes to jam to, because who wants to just sit there quietly for ten hours? Hit up Pandora or Spotify and throw on music that you like but don’t know too well. If you put on your favorite shit, your brain will be singing along the entire time and you won’t get anything done. 11:30 p.m., Day Before Test – By now, you’ve taken your study candy and should be well on your way to a 2.5 GPA…unless you checked Facebook or went on Stumble Upon. This is the biggest mistake that you can make, because instead of focusing on your studies, you’ll be focused on flipping through the profile pictures of some

Addertivities to occupy your time After popping a 30mg XR and studying for like, ten minutes, it’s time to get all the shit that’s been piling up for the entire semester out of the way. I mean, how are you supposed to focus on finals when there are so many other things that need to be done! Here’s a list of Addertivities fit for a cotton-mouthed, restless mess such as yourself:

2 Days Before Test - Missed the review session. Screw it, you’ll learn it all during the all-nighter. But wouldn’t it make sense to at least go to the review before you cram to get a basis for the material? Yes, it makes perfect sense. But the last thing an all-nighter does is make sense. 12:00 p.m., Day Before Test -Purchase your study candy. Remember, the human body is not designed to naturally stay up for an entire night. That’s why you need to get something in your system that will call your body a pussy until it accepts the idea that sleep is for the weak, and it will go without rested for the foreseeable future.

THe top ten

5:00a.m., Day of the Test – Hopefully, you’re still going strong at this point. If your pill is starting to wear off, then you are royally fucked. There’s no way that you’ll be able to take a nap before the test, so you might as well tough it out. At this point, not a creature is stirring around you, not even a mouse. By now you should be pretty good with the material that’s going to be on the test. If not, you’ve got some serious work to do, because the sun is coming up in about an hour, and that’s really going to freak you out if you’re not prepared. So get prepared, bro. 7:40a.m., Day of the Test (7:40 a.m.) – Your test is in twenty minutes (sucks about the 8 a.m., dude). By this point, your whole body smells like butthole and you keep seeing a fairy that’s just begging you to close your eyes for five minutes. That’s alright; because you are about to (hopefully) dominate this test. The all-nighter is the “Hail Mary” of studying techniques. You’re hoping you’ll be able to comprehend and remember a whole section of material that you learned in only a few short hours. All-nighters certainly don’t work for everyone. Successfully executing one is equal parts awesome and badass, because, man, who thought that would actually work? Finals week is coming up. Not saying, just saying.

8) Pinterest: Just like every other person on Pinterest, you’ve made 17 boards and pinned over 200 recipes/DIY crafts and have yet to make a goddamn thing. Well, Pinheads, there’s no better time to do meaninglessly productive things than when you’re all geeked out on Adderall. Considering you’ve spent the last four months pinning shit in class, there shouldn’t be a shortage of crafts to keep your tweaking hands busy. 7) Make a Christmas list: The best thing about finals week is knowing that you’ll be getting some sweet-ass presents in the very near future. Instead of memorizing a bunch of shit that you’ll probably never need to know, spend this time preparing the ultimate Christmas list. Let’s face it, you don’t need to memorize things when you have an iPhone. Siri will tell you all you need to know. 6) Reach out: Haven’t called your Grandma in months? Hit a bitch up! Sure, you’ll have to hear about everything she’s eaten in the past month and the position of her kidney stones, but anything’s better than teaching yourself a semester’s worth of Econ. Then you get to talk about yourself for as long as you want. Plus, calling her will likely get you an extra $20 in the annual Christmas card;It’s a win-win. 5) Sign up for a bunch of reality TV shows: Obviously college isn’t going to work out for you, so let’s not beat around the bush. You’re going to have to find other means of income, besides selling pot. With the plethora of TV shows beckoning you to fight for money, marry into it, or whore yourself out for it, the possibilities are endless. 4) Map out your future: You’re tweaking out hard and obviously anxious as fuck. But you don’t actually want to do anything. Just write that shit down! This will give you the opportunity to make a bunch of highly meticulous and fanatical lists while using gel pens- a speed dream. 3) Organize your iTunes Library: Organizing your iTunes is a fuckin’ blast when you’re starting to come down. Your body has begun to hate you, leaving you temporarily paralyzed, but your hands are bored and your mind is running marathons. Organizing your music will allow you to keep busy for hours without actually thinking about anything. 2) Work out: Nothing makes a treadmill more appealing than having to read 127 pages on the effects of immigration on the economy. Throw those dusty sneakers on and run off those Thanksgiving thunder thighs. The amount of miles you’ll run coupled with a diet of crackers and Red Bull will have you back to your post-break body in no time. 1) Make a ‘hook-up web’: If you are unable to make a ‘hook-up web’ based on the fact that you are still a virgin, then disregard the previous 9 options and go get laid. However, if you’re part of the vast majority of sluts at Minnesota, this pointer will keep you busy for days. Start by putting your name in the middle and drawing lines to the names of every person you’ve slept with. Repeat the process with the sexual partners of your sexual partners, and so on.

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Are you Smarter Than?

The scoreboard:

4.6 lamar's score

lamar's answers

Lamar, The Black Sheep distibution manager 1) Which two former Sportscenter anchors coined the program’s nickname, “The Big Show”? 2) Which smash-hit TV show ended with a helicopter flying away and the word “Goodbye” written in rock? 3) Which planet takes 165 years to orbit the sun?

1) None 2) M*A*S*H 3) Neptune 4) What is the highest point in Name them. 4) Mt. KilimanAfrica? jaro 8) John Milton, author of Comus and Areopagitica is most 5) Sugar, egg, 5) What are the three main cream famous for writing this epic ingredients in eggnog? poem. 6) Germany 6) The United States and the Soviet Union were the first two countries to explode a nuclear weapon. Which country was the third? 7) There are five communist countries in the world today.

madlib: 1: Period of time 2: Name 3: Verb (-ing) 4: Noun 5: Time of day 6: Adjective 7: Noun 8: Campus store that would sell (7) 9: Marginalized person 10: Something you’d have in your pocket 11: Same as 10 12: Verb 13: Noun 14: Area of town

15: Obscenity 16: Verb (-s) 17: Same as 16 (-ing) 18: Obscenity 19: Obscenity 20: Verb 21: Same as 9 22: Group of people 23: Same as 2 24: Obscenity 25: Same as 9 26: Verb (-ed) 27: Noun 28: Same as 3 29: Something that you can (3)

your score

9) What wonder of the ancient world was built in Rhodes? 10) Add all of the United States’ in-print bills together. What are they worth?

7) Guam, Cambodia, North Korea, China, Vietnam (3/5) 8) None 9) Library 10) $186

correct answers: 1) Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann 2) M*A*S*H 3) Neptune 4) Mt. Kilimanjaro 5) Sugar, egg, and milk (or cream)

6) United Kingdom 7) Laos, Cuba, Vietnam, China, North Korea 8) Paradise Lost 9) Colossus 10) $188

The Crazy Story You’ll Tell Your High School Friends Dude, you won’t believe this story. So, a couple of __1__ ago my buddy __2__ and I decided to start __3__ __4__ as soon as we woke up. Obviously by __5__ we were pretty __6__, so we decided to go get some __7__. On the way to __8__ we saw this __9__. We made eye contact and he asked us for a__10__. Of course I gave him __11__, but only if he’d __12__ for it. After, he wouldn’t stop following us. He kept asking us to go with him to buy some __13__, and finally we obliged. We’re walking towards __14__ with this guy and all of a sudden he screams, “__15__!” and just starts sobbing. We try to console him, but instead he turns around and __16__. Dude keeps __17__ my buddy, screaming “__18__ you, you __19__ !” Finally, I get my bearings about me, I just __20__ this __21__so hard. It was crazy, but it wasn’t over yet. Out of nowhere these three __22__ show up, __23__’s bleeding, and I’m like, “__24__.” Turns out, they weren’t after me they’re after this __25__, because once he __26__ on a __27__. In short, I’m never __28__ __29__ again.

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twas the kegger after finals...

Twas the kegger after finals, when all through the frat, The party was raging, though the beer tasted flat. The passed out pledge was laid on the sofa with care, With penis drawings on his face and vomit in his hair. The music was loud and the liquor was strong, The stoners were taking hits from their bongs. Keg stands and shots, it was all in good fun. Celebrating the fact that finals were finally done. Though it was cold, the girls didn’t care, They dressed like pole dancers, their asses practically bare. Perhaps they’d get lucky, but they’ll have no one to blame, For their freezing cold morning walk of shame.

He screamed and shouted and called them by name! “Officer Clarence, and Joseph, and Danny and Dixon! Officer Gromit, and Rupert, Conner and Nixon! Inside the house! Inside the walls! Arrest them! Arrest them! Arrest them all!” And then in an instant, they were all inside, Screaming and yelling for us to abide. As I took a step back, and was turning around, From behind Officer Nicholas someone arrived with a bound. He was dressed in all blue, from his head to his toes. What he wanted with me, god only knows. He told me stay put, not to move a single inch I could tell then that I was in a pinch.

The boys were all eager to get a girl in their bed, Or at the very least to try and score some head. They’ll lie and say that they play guitar in a band, but most will up making love to their hand.

How his eyes flamed, and not at all merry, His face was dark red, like a nearly-burst cherry. He had a bushy mustache, and a big round gut, This guy obviously liked eating his donuts.

When out on the street there arose such a clatter, I hopped off my keg stand to see what was the matter. When from the window there shined a blazing blue flash, I knew what it was! ‘Twas the cops! Let us dash!

While he was distracted, I was ignored, I decided it was time to make a break for the door. When I got up and ran, I had not one single doubt, That I was surely going to make it out.

From the front of a room, I heard a drunken shout, “The cops are here, everyone! Get the hell out!” I dropped my red Solo cup and made for the door, But the place was too crowded with drunks trying to score. In the ensuing panic, many tried to leave and go But they ended up slipping on the vomit and snow. When, what to my drunken eyes should appear, But eight policemen, already here. With one policeman, so angry and quick His badge said that his name was Officer Nick. More rapid than reindeer his back-up came,

But alas, my friends, this sadly wasn’t so For when I began to run, little did I know That Officer Nick was quicker, I found, And he tasered my ass down to the ground. I was very sad that I had missed my chance, And now was convulsing and pissing my pants. He spoke not a word but went straight to work And stuffed me in his squad car so roughly, what a jerk. When I woke up the next morning, I was in a jail cell, Wondering what to my parents I’d tell. When I heard Nick laugh, sarcastic and with spite: “Happy keggers to all, and to all a good night!”

NOW HIRING! So there you are, studying for finals (well, not really since you’re reading this) and you think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could be doing something fun right now...like writing about how much I hate campus parking, or why my friend who went to Wisco is now the biggest douchebag in the world!” Well good news—we want to cover those topics and more! Or maybe you want to market our awesome mobile apps and our website? Or you want to throw parties? Whatever it is, we want you on board...now!

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UMN@theblacksheeponline.com

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We Got You Covered,

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WED

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$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm

$3 Mini Menu from 6pm-Close (includes

White Trash Wednesday Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its Free bacon from 9pm till it's gone Food special- 25 cent wings 3-midnight $1 PBR and High Life Tall Boys $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-close

$1 Tacos 3pm-close

$3 pitchers of Miller Lite from 6pm-9pm)

Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

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finally, Finals !

1. How excited are you for finals? a) Oh, I am so excited, you have no idea! b) Wait…finals are coming up? Shit! c) Well…I’m just excited to go home, so bring ‘em on. d) WE ARE THE 99% e) All of the Above Sorry, did I scare you with that multiple choice question right off the bat? Perhaps you’d like an essay question instead? Describe the cause and effect relationship between drinking alcohol and taking finals. Explain the pros and cons of doing so, and then pick a position and argue it. Okay so yeah, finals are coming up, and they’re gonna suck. Hopefully we can get through them together, but most likely not. You know you’ll be in Super Block or Bailey on those late night study sessions, munchy-wunchin’ on some breadsticks and pizza, trying to remember what the Dijkstra’s Algorithm has to do with your major: Women’s Studies. The most important thing to remember when studying for finals is to relax. You honestly can’t psyche yourself out—this is the perfect way to flunk a final. But then again…there’s so much to review, and so much to memorize. Oh shit, I forgot I have 3 finals on Monday. Oh well, too late to change them. Now I’m even more stressed. Oh, this breadstick tastes so goooooood. Oh shit! I just got meat sauce on my review sheet. Now I can’t tell what I have to study or not. AH SHITTTT!!!! The final is in 5 hours! I better pull an all-nighter so I don’t miss it. I’ll just study this stupid piece of paper until I memorize everything. Okay…so…the derivative of 2x is…--ZZZZzzzzzZZZzzz. Rules of Finals 1. DO NOT SLEEP THROUGH THEM

Yeah, you may have slept through your entire MATH 1051 lectures throughout the entire semester, but sleeping through your final is going to result in you taking the class over again. I know Chung Choo Su would love that, but you sure as hell wouldn’t. Nobody wants to repeat classes, so the easiest way to avoid this is to just simply go and take the final. 50/100 is better than 0/100 any day of the week, unless that 0/100 is referring to herpes, then hell yeah, I’d rather have the 0/100. But this isn’t herpes. It might feel as painful…but trust me, it’s not. Set your alarm clock. Have your roommate slap you awake. Sleep outside and have rabid animals attack you until you wake up. Whatever you gotta do to make that 7:50 a.m. final, do it. 2. STUDY FOR THEM So this one sounds fairly obvious, but it’s not. Trust me, one time I went into a Topics in Comparative Politics (POL 3410) final without studying, and it wasn’t fun. I pretty much just picked the answers that sounded funniest. Don’t try copying, either. Those teachers watch you like hawks on Finals days. They’re thinking the whole time, "if any one of these idiots so much as sneezes a glance at another paper, I’m gonna rip their damn heads off." Guarantee you that is going through any teachers head at any given time during a final. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask ‘em? Yeah, das what I thought, G. 3. TAKE YO' DAMN TIME You know you’re screwed in a final if you finish before anyone else. Even if you’re the smartest one in duh class, you take yo' damn time in the final, because you never know what might happen. I knew this guy, it wasn’t me…okay, yeah it was. I took a final and finished before anyone else. Later that day I asked my buddy what he thought of the test, and he told me how hard it was, but he was glad there was that extra credit on the back page, or he would’ve failed the class. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

4. RE-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX Okay, I’m not gonna tell you to smoke a jay before the exam. [In fact, please please please don’t do that. You’ll thank me later.] But there are tools to utilize to relax before a final. The most important one is sleep (Refer to Number 1.) Secondly, just try something, like chewing gum, taking deep breaths, whatever you have to do, just don’t stress out about the final. It’s just one test. I know you don’t want to see what his name, your MATH 1051 teacher next semester. It doesn’t matter to him, he gets paid either way. A note about picking classes for next semester: www.ratemyprofessor.com is your best friend. www.theblacksheeponline.com is your second best friend. www.kids-in-sandbox. com is not your friend at all. Please do not look into that. You will thank me. Good luck, and good night!

Quiz: What High School Friend Are You? 1. On the ride home with your parents, you couldn’t stop talking about… A) How the beautiful landscape reminds you that He loves you in a way your parents could never quite fathom. B) How every mile away from campus your heart aches more and more, knowing you’ll be out of his loving embrace for a whole month. C) How you can’t wait to unpack all your shit. And Mom, if you threw away that KoRn tapestry, I swear to god you’re buying me a new one. 2. The first thing you did when you walked into your old room… A) You took down your “Co-Exist” bumper sticker. What’s the point when you’ve found the one? B) You took down the hitter box you stashed in your closet. After the car ride with those losers you really need to take the edge off. C) You took down that Kate Upton poster. She just doesn’t compare anymore. 3. The first thing you notice about your best bud from high school is… A) You no longer think of him as a best bud, that’s reserved for the Purple Nurple, man. B) He’s not wearing a promise ring. C) That beer belly and long hair are a clear sign he doesn’t consider his body a temple for The Lord. 4. When said buddy asks if you want to hit up a party, you respond, A) “Do they have Skype? I need to use it.” B) “When did the party ever stop, dude?”

Key:

1) A: 2 B: 1 C: 3 2) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 3) A: 3 B: 1 C: 2 4) A: 1 B: 3 C: 2 5) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 6) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 7) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 8) A: 3 B: 2 C: 1

C) “Let me put on my Temple garments first.” 5. The party was lame so you decide to catch a flick instead. You suggest… A) “The Muppets, I kinda missed most if it when I went with her.” B) “The Muppets, I haven’t protested a movie in a while.” C) “The Muppets, I hear it syncs up with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, if you start playing it on your iPhone when Animal bangs the kick drum in the 3rd song.” 6. Driving around your hometown, you never realized there was so many… A) People who are destined for hell. B) Fuckin’ hot high school sophomores! C) Reasonably-priced homes for you and Karen to move into in three years. 7. When you run into the high school loser, you can’t help but say, A) “I’VE HAD SEX!” B) “Christ can heal more than just your physical body, my Brother.” C) “Hey, does Shakey Bakes have anything new in?” 8. To you, Christmas is really about… A) The presents you can return so you can finally buy that new vaporizer you’ve been eyeing. B) A day of celebration, for He has finally come. C) Making sure you have enough text messages left to keep in touch with your baby.

8-13: You’ve found love!

14-19: You’ve found God!

While most of your friends will come back from college regaling you with tails of depravity and lost innocence, you’ll be telling them about the quiet Friday night you and Beth spent sipping hot cocoa and looking through photo albums. It’s all good though, those friends weren’t really cgetting any, they’re just narrating a movie they once saw on YouPorn.

There you were, ready to take that 4th hit of acid, when a cat turns to you and says, “Have you found your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?” The next day you realized you hadn’t, from then on, it’s only been Jesus Juice for you.

Dylan m dermott

20-24: You’ve found…college isn’t really for you. After a semester of hanging out with some bros, plowin’ some hoes, seein’ some shows and snortin’ some No-Doz, you’ve had a blast. And while your social life is a solid 4.0, your GPA is closer to 0.4. Maybe living with the parents for the rest of your life really isn’t that bad.

beyonce knowles

HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX . bloWin’ uP

T-Pain - rEvolver

nEW yEars EvE chEvillE - haTs off To ThE bull

WE boughT a zoo

rEal sTEEl

modErn WarfarE 3

. . . . . . . .

amy WinEhousE lionEss - hiddEn TrEasurEs

War horsE

lamE

ThE girl WiTh ThE dragon TaTToo

ThE rooTs - undun

ThE black kEys El camino

WWE ‘12

ThE lEgEnd of zElda: skyWard sWord

ThE siTTEr

currEn$y - jET World ordEr

undEr-hyPEd

cool

TinkEr Tailor soldiEr sPy

holiday gift guide 2011 Under $25Gift Packages! The Party Person

MotorolaA

For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday! Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.

The Designated Driver

Also known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.

Mr. Super Broke

What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!

trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!

Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give then to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.

Lululemon

Destined for Greatness Duffel

Timbuk 2M

PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! As if this bag wasn’t cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.

Are You on the Naughty List?

PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other on-the-go occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! It’s super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogi's can be.

essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.

Lap Dock 100 Motorola

Chrome

Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag

www.theblacksheeponline.com

PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.

PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.

Homebrewers Outpost

Beer Making Starter Kit PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer.) Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?

Peligroso Reposado

42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!

Galaxy Tablet 10.1

ariety Pack

Samsung

Short's BreweryV

www.theblacksheeponline.com

PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The highresolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions—making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!

Under $25 Gift Packages! For the Lusty Lover

(They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well.) Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.

FOR THE Super Greek

(He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah.) Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to state or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-alug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.

for the Study Buddy

(Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared.) 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sunchips, would you?)

Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).

holiday gift guide 2011

SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12

They came from the east when they saw his star rise...

They came to pay homage to a new king...

The Three Wise Men.

The evil King Herod had also heard the news.

Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...

And demanded they find this new king...

...so Herod could destroy him.

They paid him no mind and continued their journey.

The star stopped, they arrived.

Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...

Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.

For he truly was King of the Booze!

Meanwhile...

Holiday Partyscopes!

Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) You are trying way too hard to impress your relatives. I mean, you haven’t really done anything impressive. Yeah, you outdrank that senior at Alpha Sigma Alcohol once, but you can’t exactly tell your family that. Just shut the fuck up and hope they glaze over your recent arrest record.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Oh god. Family, You are soooooo uncomfortable. Who do you talk to? What do you say? You don’t want to tell your life story to relative strangers. Are they judging me? Shit, I should’ve showered…Ok calm down spaz attack. Just smile and have a mouthful in at all times so no one can get a word in edgewise. You can’t talk if you’re wolfing down potatoes and gravy like there’s no tomorrow. Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) You hate everything else, so of course you’re going to loathe family get-togethers. As the resident Negative Nancy of the family everything from the food to the cousins to the family charades aren’t up to your standards. That’s probably why you’re going to get a serving or two, go into the T.V. room, and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives until your extended family leaves. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You should have a large bottle of Valium handy, because you cannot handle people. They make you nervous. Looking nice, being kind, in general attempting to be presentable is just too overwhelming for you. I get it, you’re socially awkward. But maybe at least try a smile or two? The least you can do is bring the candied yams in. Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) Let’s, be honest, you are probably a huge fatass. In your normal life, you shove cheese curds down your throat like a Playboy Playmate at a Charlie Sheen party. Good for you tiger, this is your holiday. Live it up, eat everything in sight, and try to not give yourself a hernia. Expect to puke up turkey for at least 4 days after. Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) You generally utilize the holidays to attempt to wheedle money out of your relatives at all costs. You are not above bribing, sucking up, and blatant pandering. It is pathetic to watch, but what do you care? You’re getting your cash money. Your gluttony fits in nicely with the most recent holiday, you greedy bastard.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’re most likely that awkward college kid still at the kid’s table. It’s unfortunate. You’re not exactly mature, so it’s not like you deserve a spot at the adult table, but you’re also not about to fling a handful of mashed potatoes at your aunt. Actually, you might do that. Revenge is a bitch, family! Who’s laughing now? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You love this holiday because it makes you feel useful. You can help prepare the turkey, greet your relatives, calm the screaming cousins, etc. Enjoy it while you can; after everyone wakes up from their tryptophan coma, you’ll go back to being a freeloader on your dad’s basement couch. Get up and go get a job asshole. Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Having all of your family in one place provides you ample opportunities to show off. If we get real here, you don’t feel validated unless someone tells you you’re awesome at least once a day. You might as well just wear a t-shirt with your grade transcript printed on it. (Helpful hint: you’re the annoying , overzealous cousin.) Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You have always been the “good child”. While your siblings got arrested for underage drinking or selling crack in an alleyway, you always kept your nose clean (literally). The family is proud of you, and we here at the Sheep applaud you for not slipping into the age-old college trap of stripping to “get through college” and then just staying there for 5 years. Better not fuck up or you’ll let everyone down. Enjoy the pressure! Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Both sides of your family are batshit crazy. And they hate each other. They vie for the attention of you and your siblings because you are actually normal and marginally well adjusted. What in the hell do you when they both gun at you, trying to shove cranberry sauce in your mouth? RUN BITCH. Grab a drumstick and hide in your room until everyone is too drunk to fight. I’m so sorry. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) Rumors of your promiscuity have traveled from school back to your family (most likely through an unblocked facebook profile. Security that shit UP.) They are all going to stare at you and that giant bruise on your neck awkwardly when you ask for more stuffing. Be patient sweetheart, you’ll get stuffed soon enough back at school.

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