Virginia Fall Issue 11 - 11/29/12

The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 1, Issue 11 11/29/12 - 12/5/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA

the Schedule Struggs

Spencer Schloss wrote this

You’ve had your nice little break from school and you’re ready to get right back into the swing of things. You can’t wait to power through finals to get to spring semester, the one with the perfect schedule that sees you riding to class on unicorns and flying back to your apartment on rainbows. Right? Right?!

Wrong. SIS has inevitably bestowed upon you the most impossible schedule after deciding to crash three times, resulting in you signing up for classes four hours after your designated time. Like, what the hell UVa, why are you going to hate on Chrome and not let us open our Enrollment Requests on it?

Sons of bitches. Not to mention that your advisor neglected to inform you of the hold on your account. Ugh, SIS probz.

We all spend hours perfecting our schedules while diligently researching Lou’s List, Rate My Professor, and The Course Forum (which has ALSO conveniently been down). Clearly there are some rules to constructing the ideal agenda. Classes before 11 a.m.? The chances of your brain actually processing information during those early hours are slim to none, so that’s a no-no.

American Politics from 12-12:50? These are prime lunch hours, no way! Discussions after 5p.m.? Sometimes unavoidable, but we all do our best to make sure we don’t have those awful 8-8:50 discussions on Thursday. Who wants to show up to class wearing the outfit they will undoubtedly be sporting again the next morning? And Friday classes? What the hell are those?

Hours of crafting on your MacBook and you have it, a flawless schedule that will ensure a perfect balance of academics and leisure. But wait! Here comes SIS to ruin the day.

Waitlisted…closed…instructor permission needed…looks like it’s time to wave your white flag and realize that you are not getting into any of your desired classes, won’t fill the requirements for your major, and won’t graduate on time. SIS is no easy gal to work with, and it drives many of us to give up, go out, and drink until we forget about how awful SIS treated us today.

The problems associated with SIS can lead students down a dark, dark road. Once SIS has driven you to drink, she invades your thoughts and manipulates you to believe that yes, you can defeat SIS, and you will. However, drunk SIS is never a good idea.

The Evolution of the Greek Relationship And then he, like, got totally serious.

page 4

“Oh so you tried to keep me out of every class now did you SIS?? I’ll show you!”

Your alcohol-induced lapse in judgment combined with your vindictive attitude to score revenge will have you enrolled in Microbiology in the Genomics Era, Business Chinese, Modern Dance II, and Dracula… apparently you were interested in Slavic Folklore Vampirism at 4 a.m., you little Bram Stoker enthusiast you. Nevertheless, after you and your friends get a

what’s inside How Far is Too Far?

good laugh at your retaliation attempt, SIS will still allow you to adjust your schedule, unless of course you want to test out your dance skills next semester.

With all the various struggles that arise through SIS, a call to action must be made, there must be a better way to achieve the ideal schedule… who knows, maybe the administration will rid us of SIS and come out with a new and improved schedule creator… BRO?

Awkward Siri Moments

Wait, what is this “moderation” you speak of?

Don’t let it happen to you…again.

page 6

page 9

contents page 5: The Domino’s Progression Oh, yeah, there’s a science to it.

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5

page 5: top 10: Places You didn’t realize you could write that term paper You must avoid smelly Clemons people.

page 7: From The Streets

Table of

Frunk Dood? Double Gus, please.

page 11: We Interview: Nick Waterhouse

California boy makes “old school” rhythm and blues cool again.

page 12: Bartender of the Week-

BJ from baja bean is Surprised at UVA being the number party school.

page 13: The Black Sheep Christmas Wishlist You, like, really like us (well, at least pretend to).

page 11

page three p e e h S k The Blaicle App

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Sexy Anagrams

BLITZEN GETTIN’ BLITZED!!!!!!!!!!! #HE OLO’d!!!!!

(Want to be famous next week? Awesome.)

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Gas Has Rye

Synch Keen Yen

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

word of the week quipster:

A person who uses outdated phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic.

“What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot?

Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”

page 4

The Evolution of the Greek Relationship

theblacksheeponline.com

Alessandra Hope wrote this Coming into the winter holidays, one cannot help but notice the population of lovey-dovey students around campus. Students have finally settled into a routine that includes constant sex with another person. They’re very much in love, and though their outfits change by day, each one sports the three letters of the Greek chapter with which they’re affiliated on campus. Whether the love is new or old, it’s in the air for Greeks this time of year.

Here, we examine how they got there.

First, you have the couple that is attached at the hip. This is the couple that constantly attempts to hold hands. When they encounter an awkwardly placed pole or a pedestrian that is determined to separate them, they proceed on their path in a complicated way that ensures they are not pulled apart. This couple, upon reaching their point of arrival, will suddenly give into their separation anxiety and commit such an egregious act of PDA that it should be deemed inappropriate in public and ticketed by the force of law. When you invite one of the pair to go out with you, you must assume that his or her partner will be joining (invading) upon predetermined plans. Continue to hate, these folks are in their first serious relationship, they have no idea how shitty things are about to get.

On the slim chance that everything breaks just right and they don’t grow to loathe one another, this type of couple may also have the potential to evolve into the fraternity brother with a geed girlfriend. This couple has a relationship centered on constant bickering. When the fraternity boy is a first year and fulfilling his brotherly duties, his relationship is wrought with all sorts of problems. His geed girlfriend dropped out of rush, and

Pizza

doesn’t understand the sheer happiness he feels towards his new fraternity. Thus, when his schedule is ridden with all sorts of obligations (becoming someone’s bitch, as opposed to being this bitch’s bitch), the girlfriend will propose that he just quit, not providing words of support and comfort. She will chide his constant drunkenness, illicit drug use, and his lack of sleep. Hell Week is not only Hell Week for him, but for her as well. This relationship will eventually hit a rough patch once he becomes an actual brother, and realizing that having a geed girlfriend is not frat enough, he will dump her.

Now this man will subsequently find himself a sorority girl girlfriend and the two will live happily ever after as a Greek power couple. These two lovely specimens come from the Greek world, and all the implications it carry’s. This is a relationship filled with date functions, philanthropies and formals. This couple is the envy of their sisters/brothers. They know how to party equally hard, understand the Greek obligations of the other, and have no problem sharing circles of friends with one another.

However, not all fraternity and sorority members decide to head in the direction of a relationship. Instead, they may turn into a friends with benefits type of deal, in which they understand the fragility of their loose commitment to one another. One weekend he or she may casually find someone else with whom she might want to share a sexual encounter. This is entirely permissible as long as friend #1 is always invited to the other’s date function over friend #2, #3, or #4. This kind of relationship always has the potential to turn into something more (or end) once one of them gets jealous that the other hooked up with

and Beer

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Having spent their years living the Greek life, the power couple will graduate from UVa with middling GPAs and connections out the ass. Years later, when she’s finally willing to trade her body to create life, they’ll pop out a little fist pumping baby, starting the clock on 18 years until the cycle repeats itself. Ah, the circle of Greek life.

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The Top 10

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Places you didn’t realize you could write that term paper So you think you know your way around UVa? Got all the best places to write a paper figured out? WRONG. Don’t be a noob. Let us learn you a little somethin’ somethin’.

10.) Music Library: This library is under the auditorium in Old Cabell Hall. The cavernous, well-lit, outlet-riddled space will make that paper a big smile once the sousaphone major down the hall stops making fart noises with his instrument.

9.) Current Periodicals Room: Why go to the McGregor Room with all those weird people coughing when you can go to this naturally lit room? See the beauty of the human form just as god intended, decked out in sweatpants and fluffy boots. Added bonus: it is directly below Greenberry’s. Success! Burnt coffee!

8.) Bio/ Psych Library: Though perfect for studying, the crap hours leave paper writing a pretty certain no-go. That’s all right, you wouldn’t want those amateur Freuds over there analyzing your pen-biting habits. A CIGAR IS JUST A CIGAR, OKAY?

The Domino’s Progression Rob Mogni wrote this It was Thursday night when my suitemates and I came home from the heart-breaking defeat against UNC (let’s not talk about it). It had been over five hours since we had had any sort of food, but no way were we paying a combined twenty dollars for soggy hotdogs at the loss of our spot on the hill.

It is no small secret that UVa has given Domino’s a monopoly over crappy take-out food, so why rack up the credit card bill looking for edible alternatives? At the point of borderline starvation, we decided to order three pizzas and a cheesy bread. There was much rejoicing.

As thick-headed men, we went primal on those poor boxes of cardboard. Hell, I’m sure I ate a fair share of cardboard that night after considering that the difference in flavor between the pizza box and the actual pizza was marginal at best.

There is a peculiar phenomenon when eating Domino’s pizza, though. Something I have dubbed the “Dominos Progression Curve.”

where one lurches backwards, stares emptily off into the distance, and questions every life decision that lead up to resorting to Domino’s in the first place.

So let’s go back to the beginning. Whilst devouring pizza and cardboard indiscriminately in a fog of starvation, nothing could possibly taste better.

For all I knew, I accidently bit off a finger Mike Tyson-style while shoving a mile-long string of cheese from the cheesy bread down my gullet— and I just didn’t care. After demolishing the first six slices of pizza, a weird thought starts to itch at the back of my brain. A slice later, I start to realize what exactly it is I’m eating, but nothing is keeping me from slam-dunking the remainder of the pizza down my throat.

All of a sudden, that little thought prodding at my consciousness becomes a full-fledged horror: “What have I DONE?!” This, good readers, is the Point of No Return. Gripped with a sudden urge to purge, I look down at the ketchup, plastic, and cardboard conglomeration that I mistook for a pizza. Yes, not only did I put that radioactive goop within a nine foot radius of my body, I actually ate it too.

7.) Balcony in Gibson Hall: If by some stroke of luck you’ll be writing your paper on a warm day, head up to the third floor of Gibson, go to the end of the hall, take a right, and grab a seat in a rocking chair with views of the mountains. You’ll be living in a ramshackle hut on the side of one of those bad boys if you don’t get your study on.

6.) Fine Arts Library: Again, if views are your thing, go upstairs here. It’s a wacky space (no surprise), but the large windows and comfy seats will take your mind off Napoleon’s failed conquest of Russia. That dude should have known better than to get bogged down in a winter campaign.

Idiot!

5.) Upstairs at Para Coffee: If you can handle some soft music in the background and like a little edge, this is the spot for you. Some odd chairs and desks and plenty of outlets will suffice your worst paper nightmares. They have the best coffee on the Corner, so at least when you throw up from nervousness, it’ll taste alright.

4.) Curry School (Bavaro Hall): If you can handle the annoyed stares from Curry School students, (chill the hell out, it’s not YOUR building, you conceited future toddler coddlers) this place is freaking sweet. No one is ever in there (seriously, these kids don’t do class the same way everyone else does) and, being so new, everything is state of the art.

3.) Law School Library: So they won’t only give you worse-than-Curry-School looks, but they may physically threaten you for not being a law school student. Yet, if you can play it cool, the place is dope as hell.

2.) Brooks Hall: Who knew anthropology needed its own building? And, on top of that, the place may have the coolest architecture on campus; largely because it looks more Ivy League than the cookie cutter UVa look (no disrespect, T.J.).

Sometimes this realization doesn’t come soon enough. Experts have noted that the college students’ hands essentially become conveyor belts in the Domino’s food-to-mouth delivery system. If this occurs, the college student finds himself at the very bottom of the “Point of No Return,” well below any known measurement of edibility. No man has made it past this point alive without puking his brains out in a violent eruption of cheese and raw sewage.

As one can see, Domino’s has a limited time interval in which there is a sufficient quantity of flavor for the pizza to be edible. Note that given enough time, there exists a point “t” where the food is no longer edible. This, friends, is what statisticians have dubbed the “Point of No Return,” a point

Luckily, after this near-death experience, the Domino’s Progression levels out at a standard of edibility just barely sufficient for UVa dining standards.

Hell, we still had the remnants of another pizza and a few slices strewn about the room, why let it go to waste?

1.) The Rotunda: Speaking of loving T.J., GO WRITE YOUR DAMN PAPER IN THE DOME ROOM. We don’t need to explain that one to you.

pierce bishop wrote this

page 6

How Far Is Too Far?

theblacksheeponline.com

Spencer Schloss wrote this

My father always told me, “everything in moderation.” Being the brilliant man he is, I always try to apply this advice to situations I find myself in. UVa students are always trying to take everything to the next level, and don’t always recognize that too much of something is not necessarily ideal. A more appropriate slogan seems to be “Everything in excess, because we go to Mr. Jefferson’s University”.

twenty-one! Partying in excess can function as a gateway activity to engagement in multitudes of events to the extreme, and Natty can be exceptionally persuasive when it comes to dangerous activities:

Involvement around Grounds is great. It looks awesome on a resume and shows that you are a student who cares about bettering the community. However, future politicians of the world, you all need a reality check. You cannot be president of every club, and it is possible to become too involved. We understand that some of you are “destined” to be the first woman president, or the first fully Jewish president, or maybe you’re just a radical Marxist-Leninist. Regardless of your cup of tea (or other choice drink…bourbon, scotch), over-involvement leads to a burden of responsibility that not even the most prestigious of Lawn room tenants would be able to bear. If you are trying to accumulate social capital through various connections around Grounds, it is better to focus your energy on a few tasks and do them well, than to spread yourself too thin and end up stressed to the point where people around you are stuck thinking, “Well, when’s he going to blow?”

“Look how many people are in Christian’s, just think how much they would love you if you offered to buy all of them pizza…you’d be the most loved student on campus!”

Yes, we students like to get involved, but at the end of a long day of organizing acapella groups to sing at your various fundraising activities, it is nice to let loose with your BFF Natty. But good ol’ dad warned us, too much time with Natty can also be a bad thing. So maybe it’s your birthday, twenty-one shots for being

“Hey, look at that manhole cover, you should totally steam tunnel and try and end up in the middle of Scott Stadium.”

Another area where students tend to go too far is relationships, specifically, ones outside of the tangible realm. No, we’re not talking about sketchy chat rooms or CvilleMatchmakers.com, but the other cyber realm of iPhones, Twitter, and Facebook. Suitors tend to see these media outlets as territories of anonymity, but that does not give relationship seekers the right of unrestricted speech, there is a line. Tweeting at @HoosaHawtie44 “I saw you rockin dem red jeans by Clarke” is absolutely a no-no. Twitter is not an acceptable domain for flirtation. Texting, however, is a feasible alternative. A flirty text is always nice to receive, but when people start getting into apps like SnapChat and using them for their real purpose (super awk faces that no one should ever see for more than 3 seconds) that’s when things can take a turn for…well, don’t do that ever. Lastly, you should never flirt over Facebook chat. It’s pedophilic and takes you back to the middle school days of AIM where you listed all your besties in your profile and your crushes initials in the bottom corner with a <3.

Just when you think you’e merely approaching that fine line…

WHAM you’ve tripped right over it into the abyss of unnecessary excess. There is a limit on how much UVa apparel you can wear at one time, you can spend too many Plus Dollars on Chick-fil-A (yes, it is real money), and it is possible to spend too much time at the library, and no, switching up the scenery and making the trek to Alderman from Clem is not a solution. Remember, “everything in moderation.” Well, maybe not late night food from the White Spot. A little excess never killed anyone, right?

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What’s the Best drunk food on the Corner?

“A Gus Burger at the White Spot.”

- Avery

“The Stumble Down Mac N’Cheese at The Virginian.” - Dixon

“A Gus Burger.” - Cameron

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

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MONDAY: 4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets

Sunday Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu

Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15

Every Day: Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails from 3 Until 7

Happy Hours Specials: $3 Apps/$3 Margaritas Late Night Drink Specials: $2 VA Gentleman Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

5pm to 9pm: $1 Rails $2 Draft $4 House Wine

Grad School Night! $2 Drafts & $2 Bourbon

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FRIDAY 11/30

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Happy Hour Specials: $1 Tacos | Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 Rails/Green Card Member Deals Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

5pm -9pm: Three course dinner for $15 $10 off on any bottle of wine

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$5 Big Burritos Late Night Drink Specials: $10 Mexican Beer Buckets $5 Malibu Long Islands Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

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College Football Day!

Grab a bucket of beer and hang out on the balcony.

Gameday Show your game ticket and get $4 off any order

Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7

$3 Pitchers

Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu

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Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Salsa Night Lesson at 7, Dance Party at 8

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Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15

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Happy Hour Specials: $5 pitchers w/Any App! Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Sauza Tequila Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

For catering and private events, please check out our website or contact us!

TUES. 12/4

Just tell us you read The Black Sheep

10am-2pm: Brunch $2 Bloody Marys $2 Mimosa Buy one entrée get second for 50% off

Happy Hour Specials: $6 Fajitas Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 BL 16oz.

Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

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WED. 12/5

SUNDAY 12/2

WEDNESDAY:

SAT. 12/1

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Boylan Dance Night 10pm

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Locally sourced food from sustainable farms

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Wahoo Wednesday

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Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Dane Alderson & Friends 10:00 PM (Free) Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 UmlautGoth & Industrial Dance Party 10:00 PM Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Everyday (3 until 7) Charlottesville Music Showcase 10:00 PM (FREE)

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page 9

Awkward Siri Moments Rob Mogni wrote this Siri was the last piece of the Steve Jobs legacy. Upon her release, Siri was supposed to bring about a fundamental change in the way we interact with our smart phones. “Hands free” would become all the rage. Little did Apple know that they would create a new race of socially brain-dead teens who actually carry on fully-fledged conversations with their phones in public.

The history of Siri goes a little like this: October 14, 2011: The new iPhone 4S finally ships to millions of nonconformists eager to get their hands on the latest Apple product. These passionate young men and women pop a collective blood vessel trying to think of awesome questions to ask Siri.

October 15, 2011: After realizing that Siri can only answer the four questions featured on the Apple commercials, Siri becomes the latest fad like “New Coke” or “voting for Obama.”

But it was what happened after that fateful day of the apathetic rejection of Siri that changed the life of the iPhone owner forever. No, we do not speak of that which shall not be named (Apple Maps).

Let us paint you a picture: it is test time in Bio lecture. Close to 3,000 of your classmates surround you slaving over meiosis and endosymbiosis. Like a good student, your phone is sitting on standby in your pocket; but you forgot that Siri has a mind of her own and it just so happens that the professor is one of those old guys who paces around the room. Right as he passes you, it happens. “BOOP-BOO! What can I help you with?” Damn it Siri, what the hell are you doing? You just cost me a solid B and three hours on Saturday to retake the test.

The Apple Geniuses themselves admit that they cannot explain how Siri has achieved a level of autonomy that threatens to enslave the human race, if not just to annoy us to death. Sometimes it’s the fault of the separation anxiety-ridden teen who must constantly click the home button, making sure someone out there gives a single shit about her superficial song lyric tweet or drunk Facebook pictures.

In any case, Siri knows the best moment to optimize awkwardness with a quick “BOOP-BOO,” followed by the unavoidable subsequent “BEEP-BEE.” Siri gets particularly frustrated at Rugby when dubstep outdoes her, but don’t worry, she knows how to get her revenge.

When Fratty Frank takes Sorority Sally back up to his man cave overlooking the Mad Bowl, Siri senses the mood and lighting change with her internal sensors, and she waits for the perfect moment. In the midst of a steamy hookup, Siri’s little “BOOP-BOO” is ignored and soon forgotten. Tomorrow morning, Fratty Frank learns that Siri translated last night’s love making into “the giraffe ate my walrus oooh yes fine Chilean mother of five d’oh hoe snow blow yes” and posted it to Facebook.

Up until this point, we had forgotten all about Siri. Why bark an order five times only to hear Siri say “I’m sorry, <insert name here>, I’m afraid I can’t answer that. How about a web search for ‘the Alpaca has big monster bean on her sink’?” No Siri, I said “why do my farts stink?” Your lightning texting thumbs far outmatch Siri’s robotic incompetence. Yet if you were to turn her off, then why did you buy a new iPhone in the first place? It’s just something with which we must learn to live.

A Party, Carol

(Apologies to Charles Dickens) By: Brendan

T

he show was dead to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The DJ spun haplessly while the security looked onto the vacant dance floor happily.

Carol had been to shows like this before, and she knew this one was dead in the water.

Oh! But she was a pill-addled sound hound, Carol. She would chase MDMA with ketamine, washing down her cocktail with simultaneous hits from a nitrous tank and a bong.

For this Carol was well-known in the rave scene, notorious for her love of intoxicants. Bros and hoes alike would recoil at the ghastly visage of dilated pupils and an ear-to-ear grin.

But what did Carol care! It was the very thing she liked.

To thrust herself into a crowded pit, with all human reckoning at a distance.

She had a dozen hits of acid in her back pocket, a hitter rod, a gram of pure molly, a few bumps of coke and all the beer she could convince these loser boys to buy her. Just then Rob Crotchitch—a freshman whom Carol regularly saw at these events—scampered up.

“You holding?” He asked, hopefully.

“I suppose you’re not.” Carol uttered out of the side of her mouth.

“If you have a hit—anything, I’ll take it.”

“I don’t.”

Crotchitch looked despondent, “Well, if anything does turn up, don’t forget about ole’ Robbie.”

“Right,” Carol said as Rob scampered back into the fog-heavy darkness. When Carol was certain Rob could no longer see her she dashed to the restroom, set on getting her fix.

Locking the stall door behind her, Carol fished in her pockets for her stash. “Get my drugs, will you, Rob?” she muttered under angry breath, “Not on my watch.”

With that she swallowed everything in her possession, certain to enjoy her night alone.

As she exited the bathroom Carol was shocked to see Rob Crotchitch. “What were you doing in there, Carol?”

It was more accusation than question.

“None of your business, Rob.” The interrogation continued, “Well then, what’s that white stuff under your nose?”

Carol knew she was had. Choosing to drop any pretence of innocence, she came clean.

“Yeah, so what? They’re mine. My drugs, my body.”

“I’ve—I’ve,” he stammered, jaw on the floor, “I want to take psychoactives and go on adventures in my mind.

I want to dance with pink elephants and talk to toad princes, and you, Carol, you’ve taken that away! A bad trip, that’s what I hope you have!”

Rob danced back into the darkness. Carol stood for a moment in silence before letting out a cackle, certain to stare at a wall while contemplating the universe’s deepest secrets.

S

ome hours had passed by, loud music crawling over Carol’s body as she danced, blissfully unaware of

her surroundings. Then, in a moment her vision began to tunnel to a pinpoint.

“Stay calm,” Carol thought to herself, “Keep breathing, you’ve been through this before.”

Sure enough, the darkness retreated from her vision.

Standing before her now was a small girl.

Carol was concerned, muttering, “Little girl, what are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here?” said the girl.

Carol was growing suspicious. “I’m allowed to be here, you, on the other hand, it must be past your bedtime.

Let’s go find a sec—“ “No Carol,” the little girl said, “what are you doing here? I’d guess a fair amount of MDMA, definitely some cocaine, and…acid?”

Astonished, Carol replied, “How…what?”

“Carol, I’m not a child. I’m the Ghost of Parties Past. I’d like to show you something.”

Before she knew it, Carol’s vision was again narrowing, pulling back to reveal a sunny day in the back yard of her parents’ house.

“Is this - ?”

“Yes Carol, it is,” the ghost assured her. “And this isn’t just any old day. It’s July 30th, 1999.”

“My seventh birthday?”

or something?”

Carol snapped her head back at the Ghost of Parties Present saying, “That’s me!” before hearing it echo behind her moments later.

“It most certainly is, but look again.”

Carol did, and her shock slowly turned to embarrassment. She was staring blankly into the distance, muttering nonsense to an illusion no one else could see.

Behind her were boys and girls pointing, sniggering, mocking a girl destined for YouTube shame.

“Like I said, two hours. I’m not going to let this wedding go to shit because you can’t get your head out of your own ass.”

Carol’s mind started racing. She’d like to have gotten married a little earlier in life, but she couldn’t object to this.

“Yes, the name’s Robert Crotchitch.”

Her heart sank. She spun around to confront the Ghost of Parties Future.

The Ghost of Parties Present whispered, “This is what you defend?”

“Just what in the hell is this? There’s no way I’m marrying fuckin’ Rob Crotchitch.”

“I don’t have to answer to anyone, get me out of—“ Just then her vision began to go dim before snapping back. She turned her head intending to confront those standing behind her laughing. Instead, there stood a withered old woman taking a drag off of a cigarette.

“I know you’re not, just watch.”

Soon enough out strolled a young 20-something woman. Beautiful, tall, lithe, she walked up to Robert and kissed him softly. Rob looked mildly distressed.

Just then a small girl ran outside, flitting left and right giggling, smiling, with cake frosting covering her face.

“A

“Baby, I’m not supposed to see you until the ceremony.”

“Mom, look! Butterflies!” The young girl squealed.

“I’d have thought you’d have this figured out by now,” the woman ashed her cigarette on the floor.

“I know,” the model said, “but I just wanted to say again…”

“Well, can you just do the vision thing so we can get this over with?”

“I know.”

The ghost looked sadly at Carol. “Yes, your seventh birthday. Look at how carefree you are. Hopped up on nothing more than sugar and irrational love of butterflies, you’re enjoying life. No drugs, no beer, no vague nihilistic sense that everything is for naught.”

nd who the hell are you?”

“Certainly.”

Tears were welling up in Carol’s eyes but she fought them back, defending herself. “Yeah, but things are different now. Life’s different—it’s harder, I have class and work and things are just…different now.”

Moments later Carol found herself at the doorstep of a large mansion. Perfectly-manicured shrubs nestled up against an ark of a house. She turned around to see a driveway lined with unpronounceable Italian cars.

“Yes Carol, they are,” the Ghost of Parties Past said as Carol’s vision again began to tunnel.

“This doesn’t seem so bad.”

A

The Ghost of Parties Future agreed, “You’re right, let’s head inside.”

s Carol regained her vision there was a boy of her age dressed in a white collared shirt and black dress slacks standing in front of her.

“And you are?” she asked flatly. She was getting the hang of this.

“I’m the Ghost of Parties Present.”

“I supposed you’re taking me to see some more butterflies or something, right?” Carol was getting annoyed.

“Show me that everything’s still wonderful if you’re willing to just…I don’t know, be a moron who lets out her inner child, or something?”

The Ghost of Parties Present remained calmly distant, “No Carol, I’d just like you to turn around.”

She did, just in time to see an oddly familiar face saying, “…know, be a moron who lets out her inner child,

Carol and the apparition winded through endless hallways for what seemed like hours, never running into another soul. Finally, Carol heard some conversation in the distance.

Carol looked at the ghost, “What is the meaning of all this?”

The Ghost of Parties Future lit up another menthol, sucking in a lungful of smoke.

“Earlier tonight you denied Rob Crotchitch anything.

Hurt, he left. Walking home he had an idea—a way to improve distribution models for pharmaceutical companies the world over. He threw himself into the idea. By the time he was 25 he was already worth hundreds of millions of dollars. He sold, retired early, and lives his dreams, all because you chose not to give him a hit of acid.”

“But—“

“What? No. I said I needed you to make sure the roses were delivered this morning.”

“There’s no buts about it, Carol. While you burn out, he burns bright. You helped him get to where he is, no doubt, but he doesn’t owe you a damn thing.”

Carol smiled, she loved roses.

Carol was beginning to panic, “And what about me?”

“Listen, they need to be here in two hours or I’m simply not paying for them.”

“Not a damn thing…” the words rung in Carol’s ears as her vision again narrowed. When she came to she was lying in her bed. It was morning.

And he’s assertive. Carol looked at the ghost and smiled.

The ghost looked grim. “Let’s keep walking,” she said.

Soon they turned a corner. A man in his late forties continued to argue over the phone.

“I’m never doing drugs again,” she thought to herself.

Moments later she sucked a hit of weed from a bowl, intent on napping away last night’s nightmare. “Well, no more drugs, starting tomorrow.”

the interview

nick waterhouse

Nick Waterhouse, a self-described California rhythm and blues man, knows his roots, and he funks the fuck out of them. On tour in Europe, he happily answered some of our questions about his breed of music. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When it comes to songwriting, how do you approach it?

Nick Waterhouse: I’ve found that some songs begin as larger, vague conceptions, like a fog, where I have this blob of rhythm and sounds, as well as concept or theme. Then I have to squint harder through the fog to figure it out. It’s almost like attempting to “remember” the parts, like I’m remembering something I never knew. It’s very close to the feeling of waking and trying to recall specifics of a dream.

Once I’ve sorted that out, I find it’s often the rhythms that come about. I’ll have a rhythm or drum part with notes that often follow those in my mind. It’s the same with fragments of words. Some songs have lines that are years old that I’ve scratched somewhere that take on a different dimension.

The material on Time’s All Gone, much of it was being prepared for live performance while I was developing it, so I would approach my musicians and say, “Drums, repeat this bit.” Then I’m having the bass do a figure that makes sense, or giving people chords to fall under. It’s really adding layers and layers after that, and following the changes I had mapped out before involving other people.

TBS: When you’re recording a song does it have to be perfect before you’re happy with it, or do little flaws add a certain amount of honesty to the music?

NW: Strangers tell me I make really over-perfect music, and strangers tell me I make really flawed music. What I will say is that I refuse to do anything until I feel it’s right, and only I know what that is. I really believe in an organic approach to performance and recording, but having high standards.

TBS: You obviously have a lot of R&B/soul influences, how did you get interested in that kind of music?

NW: People talk about how language works in the brain, and what your “native” inner voice is thinking in. I always heard things like Van Morrison, BB King, John Lee Hooker, Aretha Franklin, soul or R&B, whatever you’d like to call it, growing up. I also heard a lot of those sounds reflected in things that were rock and roll, whether it was Elvis Costello, Tom Petty, Kinks, Stones, whatever.

You know, when you are 15 and you are fantasizing about performing “Daddy Rolling Stone” in a sweaty club, and not about winning a baseball game, or shredding guitar, or driving off in a new Mercedes with a babe, it’s the sort of a personal truth that might tell you where your heart is.

TBS: Do you ever worry that your music may be -- for lack of a better term -- too old school for modern listeners?

NW: I only worry about it when people want to talk to me about it. I really didn’t care when I made all the music you hear on the record. I really, really didn’t care because I am a modern person and I was making something that made absolute sense to me in the present -- which really had nothing to do with eras, and had a lot more to do with combination of personality, artistry, and craftsmanship.

TBS: The “Some Place” video looked like it was a riot to make; any good stories come out of it?

NW: The best part of that video was the fact that we ran out of fake champagne bottles in the rental limo scene, and had to do take after take of me with the real deal. By the end of that shoot it was definitely beyond method.

TBS: For something like that video, is it actually fun to do, or is it work making it look like that much fun?

NW: It is work unless you’re getting drunk. But then you’re drunk on champagne, not my favorite feeling, and having to continue shooting as your buzz wears off and the headache sets in.

TBS: Your brand of music translates really well to a live show, but what’s your approach to live music?

NW: Every song is a case-by-case basis, and should be performed as such. To me, one disconnect I have noticed is that I cut much of my album very live, so people are thrown by how much I manage to get the same sound in a live setting, almost as if they’ve been conditioned to expect less. The thing is, all the recordings were sung and played 110%, so if you get that live feeling, you shouldn’t feel cheated.

TBS: What do you think is the best thing to happen to music in the last 10 years?

NW: The internet.

TBS: The worst?

NW: What everyone did with the internet. The continued perpetuation of the same methods under the guise of liberation. Pitchfork is essentially the Castro regime of music culture -- they represent the largest potential promise of a new kind of society that became a dictatorship as bad as or worse than the one it replaced.

TBS: What band did you like as a child that that today you’re like, “Really, Nick? Them?”

NW: Reggie and the Full Effect. Adolescence was very confusing.

TBS: If you could have a mythological creature as a pet, what would you choose and why?

NW: Easy. Mermaid. It would be like I had Bimbo’s 365 club floor in my living room. Slightly erotic, not much cleanup. I’m really an ocean person at heart.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

Killing Them Softly In Theaters November 30th Based off the 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, this gangster crime film stars impossibly sexy Brad Pitt as a professional enforcer who investigates a heist that occurs during a high-stakes, mob-protected poker game.

Assumedly lots of crime and shady business happens in-between the all star cast, featuring actors continuing to get rich off of Italian stereotypes, James Gandolfini and Ray Liotta. Award season, here they come!

Catfish: The TV Show Monday, December 3rd at 11pm on MTV Nev Shulman’s TV show brain-child (inspired by his own online relationship gone awry) showcases yet another couple who’ve developed a supposedly very real online relationship and are mad in love. In this episode, two young people are fittin’ to meet IRL after two years of hot and heaving texting. Will it be a catfish, or will it be true love?

Ke$ha - Warrior Out December 4th The glittery passed-out Princess of Pop seems to be turning a new leaf on her second studio album, Warrior. Coming off of a spiritual journey where she “just needed to play with animals,” Ke$ha came back to record a magical album that finally shows her relatively decent pipes. Listen to her lead single “Die Young,” and check out her Bob Dylan cover of “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” to hear those impressive vocals.

page 12

theblacksheeponline.com

bartender of the week

bj Baja bean

How does the Charlottesville scene compare to other scenes you’ve worked in: Pretty normal for a college town-- and I’ve partied in a lot of different college towns. Though I wasn’t totally surprised to see that UVa was ranked #1 party school, I was a little bit surprised!

A revealing discovery you’ve made on the job: A margarita is not a good margarita without some kind of orange liqueur in it. A lot of people order house margaritas, and they taste good, but if you put just a little tiny splash of Cointreau or Grand Marnier, it makes a huge difference.

Most unusual thing you’ve drunk: I’ve eaten a worm out of a tequila bottle before...it’s kind of a tradition from Mexico. They throw the worm in there because the worm lives in the agave plant that tequila is made from. But since it soaked up all the alcohol, it tasted only like tequila.

A remarkably unusual thing you’ve made: Something pretty remarkable (and really alcoholic) is the Gargleblaster that we have here.

It’s kind of like a hyped-up Long Island: you put in

the drinking game

The Name Game Sure, you may know a guy named Jeff or Dan or Bill, but who cares? They’re not famous.

This game is a veritable who’s who of fame and fortune. So, yeah, you should know some celebs stepping into this. Or Jack Daniels. He’s nice too.

Number of Players: As many Jane and John Does as you can fit at the table.

What You Need: Beer, access to a celebrity gossip website.

Intoxication Level: Robert Downey Jr., Danny DeVito drunk.

How to Play: - The game begins with one player saying the name of a famous person.

- The player to go next must say the name of a different famous person whose name begins with the first letter of the last name of the famous person just said.

- While a person is thinking of a name they must be drinking, but if they are unable to think of a name they must finish the drink. To save yourself from this, bluff names can be made up, and if no one notices then the game continues.

- Aliases may not be used. For example, “Ghostface Killah” would not be an acceptable answer, but “Dennis Coles” would.

- Play goes on until beer runs out.

- Below are additional rules added to spice up the game: - If a name is said that has the same letter for the first and last names then the direction of the game changes.

- If someone says a single word name such as Usher or Raewkon then the next person is skipped.

- If someone says a triple name, such as Sarah Jessica Parker, then everyone must drink.

The Game Ends When: You start naming cast members from Weekend at Bernie’s II. (Terry Kiser!)

download our app for all of our drinking games!

rum, tequila, gin, vodka, triple sec, blue Curacao, melon liqueur, blackberry liqueur, Cointreau, and splash it off with some orange juice and cranberry.

It actually tastes better than you would think, due to all the liqueur in it. It’s remarkable that you can put so much liqueur in a drink and you can still drink it like a drink.

What would be a drink that showcases all your skills: A good margarita for the college crowd.

But for the older crowd, a good martini, old fashioned, or a mojito: you’ve got to muddle the lime with the mint and the sugar-- it takes a lot of time to make.

A special flavor or essence that you like to use: Anything muddled with mint is really good- mint and sugar water. You can not only make mojitos, but really good drinks with gin as well as summer-y drinks. You can make watermelon mojitos to blueberry to mango to pomegranate, or even hard lemonade...you can make a million different things, but mint is the key.

Recipe for Disaster

Ooey Gooey Chocolate chief Brownies There’s nothing better than the good old-fashioned brownies that grandma used to make. Well, unless you mix some pot in it, too! Don’t let your conscience or DEA relative stop you from deliciousness. Waking and baking has never been so easy or tasty.

What You’ll Need: 1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, 2 cups of pot butter, 2 cups white sugar, 3 eggs, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, and 1 cup all-purpose flour.

Cook Time: 35 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Eating these might cause you to eat more brownies, you fatty fat.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

- Microwave chocolate and pot butter in large bowl on high for 2 minutes or until butter is melted.

- Stir until chocolate is melted.

- Stir in sugar, eggs, vanilla, and flour.

- Spread in greased 9 x 13 inch pan.

- Bake for 35 minutes.

You should bring these to your family’s Christmas dinner. Wouldn’t you love to see grandma ripped out of her mind? Sure, your mom would be upset, but seriously, can’t we, like, all just chill and get along?

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

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The Black Sheep Christmas Wishlist

page 13

Dillon McLaughlin wrote this

For the next month greed takes hold and we demand that our loved ones supply us with material possessions. We call this “holiday cheer.” Since we’re human (mostly) on The Black Sheep staff, we too are susceptible to holiday cheer. Which means that you, dear reader, are going to have to pick up the slack on what our parents and grandparents can’t provide. It’s a short list, so don’t worry, you shouldn’t be any more in debt than, say, the feds.

1.) The iPhone 5: We’re busy, like all the time. So when we need to get some emailing done, ain’t nothing better than an iPhone. The big screens really help with procrastination, like when our deadlines are coming at us like a freight train and we decide to download Angry Birds: Star Wars instead.

2.) Chocolate: Preferably Cadbury. Most of our meetings focus on analyzing the consistency of a bar of chocolate. What a lot of people don’t know is that density and melting point vary from bar to bar.

The only reason that the melting point is listed as 98.6°F is because that’s the average temperature.

In reality, the melting point can range from 96° to 99°. We have literally dozens of spreadsheets from this semester alone. As it happens, our stockpiles are quickly running out and we’re getting desperate. Two hundred pounds should do the trick.

and we’re big fans of theirs. Problem is, we haven’t got the cash (see number 3) to fund the trip we want. But here at The Black Sheep, we’re big believers in the generosity of man, so we’re sure you can pick up the tab on this one. It’s not that much. We’ve got a staff of roughly fifteen and if you figure it’d cost about three grand for each one, that’s only about $45,000. If each reader throws in maybe $250, we’d be leavin’ on a jet plane and not sure when we’d be back again.

3) Cash: We’re broke here. This isn’t exactly a paying gig, and, while we’re having a good time doing it, it’s not sustainable. We’ve had quite the memorable run-in with financial misunderstandings. So your donation could go a long way to preserving the life of a The Black Sheep writer. For only $20 a day, our lifestyles of whoring, drinking, gambling, and occasional writing can go uninterrupted. For $25 a day, you’ll cover our rent. We’ve fallen on hard times, so every little bit counts.

5.) Shopping spree at Dick’s: All our writers love exercise. Or, more specifically, being really into it for three weeks before abruptly stopping and playing video games for hours at a time. If there’s one thing we’re really good at here at The Black Sheep, it’s making resolutions. A shopping spree at Dick’s would do wonders for us. We’d never run out of impulsively-bought exercise equipment to ignore.

4.) All expenses paid trip to London: Across the pond is where satire really took off, and we’d love to get back to our roots. You’ve probably heard of guys like Chaucer, Shakespeare, and Rochester,

Hopefully you can find it in your heart to not be a selfish bastard this holiday season. So come on, fork it over, we have to go exploit grandma in an hour.

All nighter l i brary Drinking game You’ll be stuck in the library for the better part of this week. And if you’re not stuck in the library, you’ll be thinking about how you should be in the library studying instead of “taking a break before the next exam” by taking shots of absinthe up the keister. Never fear, with The Black Sheep’s Library Drinking Game, you can pull an all-nighter in the library while taking a booze break at the same time! No more guilt for you, it’s all good grades from here on out!

8 p.m. – 11 p.m.

3 a.m. – 5 a.m.

Take a drink for every fleeting feeling of confidence you have.

Take a drink every time you think “I’ve got plenty of time!”

Take drink when you think about regulating your caffeine intake.

Take two drinks for every video you catch yourself watching instead of studying.

Take two drinks every time you catch yourself deep in the random acquaintance area of Facebook.

Take five drinks when you realize you’ve been here three hours and haven’t even opened your book.

Take a drink after “one chapter down, nine to go!”

Take a drink when you realize you’re the only person in the library.

Take a drink when it’s time to get another coffee.

Take a drink when you have to “Just get up and walk around a little bit.”

Take two drinks when you forlornly look out the window for twenty minutes.

Take three drinks while having acidic, molten coffee craps.

Finish your drink when you start heading home, then turn around and GET BACK IN THE GOD DAMN LIBRARY.

11 p.m. – 1 a.m.

5 a.m. – 8 a.m.

Take a drink when you finally open your book.

Take a drink every time someone comes and goes from your table.

Take two drinks if you decide you’ll concentrate better in one of those cube things.

Take two drinks every time library security walks by.

Take two drinks when you spend 10 minutes organizing iTunes.

Finish your drink if you start spending more time asking around for Adderall than actually studying.

Take a drink when you decide it’s nap time, again.

Take a drink when you hit snooze, then flip everyone off for glaring at you because your phone just blew up.

Take two drinks when you write a “Genius sentence, the real kicker to this paper, the one that solidifies an A” but it’s the only sentence you’ve written so far.

Take two drinks when a librarian tells you not to lean back in your chair.

Finish your drink when you think “I studied drunk so that means I have to take the test drunk. Because science.”

1 a.m. – 3 a.m.

8 a.m. – test time

Take a drink when you think “Being drunk in the library is actually pretty fun!”

Take a drink when you wake up with the pages of your book stuck you your face.

Take a drink for every other person sleeping in the library.

Take two drinks to wash down the third bag of Hot Cheetos you just bought from the vending machine.

Take two drinks every time you start sweating.

Take three drinks when you “accidentally” start looking at porn.

Finish your drink when you start crafting a sob-story excuseemail to your professor.

Take a drink when you think “fuck school, man, life is for livin’”.

Take a drink when the sun comes up.

Take two drinks when an overwhelming, albeit false sense of accomplishment washes over you.

Take two drinks when you realize there have been other students soberly plugging away for three straight days.

Take three drinks when you see someone else from your class.

(Four if they’re drunk too.)

Take five drinks when you start walking to the wrong final.

Finish your drink when your professor grants you permission to miss the final.

Really finish your drink when you realize you now have to kill your grandma.

the crossword

in the year 2000

Across 3) One of the official Olympic mascots was a native bird.

7) He lost to George W. 8) 2000 marked the start of a new this.

9) Sean Parker’s website that got sued by Metallica.

12) The fastest selling rap album of all time happened this year, by this white boy.

14) John Mellencamp received a Doctorate of Music from this university.

19) N*SYNC set a first-week sales record with this album.

20) This show gave us a glimpse into some ballin’ pads.

10) These Olympics were down under.

11) This country got second at the Olympics.

13) This pop princess won Best New Artist.

15) The Academy Award for Best Picture.

16) The Razz for Worst Film, starring Will, Will Smith.

17) Had the sketch “In The Year 2000.”

18) This artist changed his name back from his former unpronounceable symbol.

Down 1) This team won their third straight World Series championship.

2) This city won the Super Bowl.

4) This lady-focused TV channel launched in February.

5) Cory’s universe ended this year.

6) This artist won a record 8 Grammy’s in one night, tying Michael Jackson’s 1984 record.

Answers

Meet The Staff

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Editorial manager Pierce Bishop

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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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