UVA - Issue 12 - 12/6/12

The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 1, Issue 12 12/6/12 - 12/14/12

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contents page 5: The Sweet (and sour) Taste of Finals

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5

Things are pretty sour right now, but they’re about to get nice ‘n sweet soon.

page 7: From the Streets

Table of

How do you carry on your college lifestyle at home?

page 9: the madlib Distract yourself from studying by filling in the _____________!

page 11: Christmas movies drinking game make your millionth time watching a christmas story a special one.

page 13: The Word Search Pretty self-explanatory guys, kids from West Virginia could figure this one out.

page 7

page three p e e h S k The Blaicle App Mob

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Sexy Anagrams

LET MR. LEINIE LAY A KISS ON YOUR HEINE! (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.)

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Cranny Damn Grey Nots Z Clone

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

word of the week borantine:

The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam.

"Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."

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quiz: Which Which UVa Late Night Food Establishment Are You?

3) If you see someone vomiting in The Corner parking lot you…

A) Are vomiting next to them.

B) Laugh and make a disparaging comment.

C) Say “Hey are you ok?”

D) Pick them up and walk them home after wiping off their face.

4) It’s Friday night, and you decide to head to…

A) The Virg B) Downtown somewhere, anywhere downtown.

C) St. Maarten Cafe D) Boylan Heights, all day.

6) What’s been your favorite movie this past year?

A) Jiro Dreams of Sushi B) Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter C) Argo D) The Expendables 2 7) Which Library do you go to?

A) Huh? What’s a “li-brary?”

B) Clemons C) Alderman D) Small Collections, for those with the big mind.

8) What’s your favorite Spot at UVa? A) The Corner, obviously.

B) My Lawn room C) Where’s the beer, like, right now?

D) The Lawn

Pizza

5: a)1 b)2 c)3 d)4 6: a)4 b)2 c)3 d)1

7: a)1 b)2 c)3 d)4 8: a)2 b)4 c)1 d)3

answers:

By: Pierce Bishop 3: a)2 b)1 c)3 d)4 4: a)3 b)4 c)1 d)2

2) You were studying last night until…

A) You rented a documentary on the exam topic.

B) The game came on.

C) You left to hit up your buddy’s birthday party.

D) Someone said, “Want a study beer?” to which the answer is always yes.

5) You’re taking your significant other somewhere for the afternoon, so…

A) They like beer, too.

B) A movie is nice.

C) Apple picking, of course.

D) Wine tasting followed by a light dinner.

1: a)3 b)1 c)2 d)4 2: a)4 b)2 c)3 d)1

1) When you sit down to eat you…

A) Sit upright, like a lady is wont to do.

B) Sprawl out like an oaf.

C) Look for something to put your feet on.

D) Cross your legs, we can smell you from here.

and Beer

Buy One, GeT One Free Pizza & aPPs every niGHT aFTer 10PM

15-20 points: White Spot

You just want a Gusburger. We understand. There’s nothing particularly classy about this choice, but you want a burger with an egg on it. Protein plus protein equals awesome. Occasionally, you even get in at the right time to throw on some of that hot pepper ketchup stuff they have out. Who needs sriracha when you have an establishment with good oldfashioned ingenuity?

21-26 points: Little John’s

Getting a little upper echelon are we? You peruse the menu and sing the praises of certain sandwiches while questioning why others still remain on the board. Inevitably, you will order a Chipotle Chicken like everyone else and douse it with sriracha. But, hey, at least you have a little style and there is actually space to sit down in this establishment. You know, to continue the pursuit after bars. With any luck, the young lady with the eye liner smeared to your liking will be making a trip to your 14th Street apartment.

27-32 points: Marco & Luca

You are someone of high taste, or at least you think so. Accordingly, you refuse to dive into debauchery by eating food with your hands. Are you sometimes alone? This is unimportant. It is the company you (occasionally) keep in this cash only bastion of Asian cuisine that is admirable. You laugh at how “NYC” it is to be eating dumplings so late in the night and discuss the works of Kerouac and Kant… and you fool no one.

1133 Emmet St Nor th

BrixxPizza.com

Has never

TasTed BeTTer!

8-14 points: Christian’s:

You really aren’t in this for the glamour. You want your food heavy on the carbs, and fast. Are you going to vomit it up on 14th Street? Highly likely. You’re the reason the Parmesan cheese is tied to the stand by the soda machine. It goes without saying that your manners went out the door when you moved into that shack on Grady that creeps everyone out. Wait, didn’t you come in with a girl? Nevermind, we aren’t surprised.

4 3 4 . 2 4 5 . 4 0 5 0

Live Music every Thursday!

20+ Local and Micro

Craft Beers!

The Top 10

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events at uva this year 10.) Hurricane Sandy: She wreaked havoc in Charlottesville, leaving no one dead and thousands of students well-rested. Classes got cancelled for 2 days, syllabuses got changed and everyone received extensions. Students refused to do homework until our wonderful President TSully officially told us to sleep in the next morning. Best weekend of first semester.

9.) President TSully getting reinstated as president: After being unanimously elected to the university presidency in 2010, DRAGas tried to pull a fast one on TSully by ousting her from her seat.

Upon her reinstatement, thousands of dollars in donations poured in, supporting a theory that the whole ordeal was staged for public attention.

8.) UVa ranked #1 party school by Playboy: This ranking only validated why some students rage by night and attend school by day in Charlottesville. The ranking was unusual for the university, which is usually touted as the nation’s premier public school. While it may have shocked some, it definitely supported our belief that you have to work hard but play harder.

The Sweet (and Sour) Taste of Finals Spencer Schloss wrote this Twas the night before finals And all through the Grounds UVA students were praying They would make it back to their hometowns UVa has a cruel way of paradoxically placing events. First they surprise us with a nice Sandy vacation, then they sucker punch us with makeup work, dangle a short Thanksgiving break in front of us, and just when we have finally grown accustomed to home-cooked meals as opposed to instant oatmeal, the administration round house kicks us with finals -- only to send us home crying to our parents about how hard we’ve been studying, in the hopes of squeezing a few more presents out of the big guy with the beard (dad or Santa, take your pick).

We are finally in the home stretch, but this Sour Patch Kids commercial isn’t over yet. This continuous cycle of “First they’re sour, then they’re sweet” leaves us mid-chew, absorbing the gooey citric acid-covered period we have come to know as finals. For those of you who only hit up the library twice a year, (fall and spring finals, of course) we recommend that you ease yourself into what could potentially be a dangerous plunge.

We all know you can’t give up your late night Christian’s addiction cold turkey; likewise, you can’t just pull a few all-nighters at Clem on a whim. The average UVa student’s body will inevitably go into Clem shock and those engraved cubby notes you once scoffed at… “Smile, there is hope!” with the notes of discouraged souls scribbling beneath “are you sure?” you will find yourself inking “NO YOU’RE A LIAR!” Yes, sometimes the library can be a very scary place.

The dismal abyss of the library can also turn into a utopia of free food and blue books to rescue the fading souls of young students. Students should

always be on the lookout for free massages, fondue, Ben & Jerry’s, and other various treats that our student council so chooses to shower us with.

Finals can affect students in many different ways depending on their study habits. After a study marathon of exactly 26.2 hours with no sleep, you could be forced to pull a Poe and dropout after you fail to answer any questions on your test, but were successful at leaving your teacher a nice puddle of drool on the Scantron. Or you could be that kid that everyone hates because you can barely form an intellectual sentence, yet after “winging” your final you still manage to get the best grade in the class. And there are those that study best while tipsy. A few pre-study shots?

Why not! The buzz can always be kept going with the Natty that flows in Clemons’ sinks. We prefer studying through osmosis. Hey, if molecules can pass through membranes, then information should be able to pass from the textbook to the brain by napping the equivalent to the time it would take you to read the book.

So, in between the late nights at Clem, excessive Red Bull intake, hand cramps via note taking, and the “did you know there was gonna be an essay on that?”, just remember that the little Sour Patch Kid is just about to turn sweet when December 18th rolls around and we are officially on winter break. Be sure to tell your parents how much suffering you endured during finals, and maybe you’ll get an extra cinnamon bun on Christmas morning. Hopefully they’ll forgive you for being the broke college student you are and solely giving them the gift of your existence. Regardless, we are entering the home stretch. That Sour Patch Kid is nearly dissolved, and Santa is getting Rudolph prepared to lead the way to your house. Don’t get too comfortable because the new semester is right around the corner!

7.) Stephen Colbert, keynote speaker 2013: The 2013 Valedictory Exercises this year will play host to the one and only Mr. Stephen Colbert. Colbert will drop words of wisdom (or jest) on the graduating fourth year class and send them off into the real world.

6.) Obama’s 2012 reelection: After months of speculation and a strong Romney push towards the end, Obama got reelected by our very own students, turning Albemarle County overwhelmingly blue in the race for Virginia’s electoral votes. Despite his reelection, many fraternities on Grounds continue to don pro-Republican signs in their front windows to display to the world how little their vote counted in the end. Yay for political efficacy!

5.) Attempted abduction of a UVa student by a UVa dining hall employee: Upon seeing images of the suspect, students immediately recognized him as the dude who swiped them in at Runk.

Luckily, the victim broke away to evade capture, but now it seems as if we are getting assault emails every day. When did UVa turn into a problem school again?

4.) UVa reps it big at the 2012 Summer Olympics: Lauren Perdue won a gold medal this past summer as a member of the 4x200-meter freestyle relay team at the London games. Not only did Lauren make our country proud, she also got a picture with LeBron James to show for it. She hilariously declared her rejection of a dinner invitation from LeBron because she had a “curfew.”

3.) A Sad Season: What does a 4-8 record get a football coach? A starting quarterback transfer and a boatload of firings, that’s what. Mike London righted the ship with an 8-5 record in 2011, but the ole girl sprang some leaks this year. Our captain refused to go down with the ship, instead choosing to float on the bodies of his dead men to retain his gig.

2.) The McCormick Bridge Lightens its Load: Apparently, the bridge on McCormick cannot sustain the weight of UTS buses. Unfortunately, this means we cannot indulge ourselves by taking the bus literally one stop down to Clemons. Or from O-hill to Old Dorms. Or from the Chem Building to Minor Hall. Optimistic estimates say that the construction will take one year, expect it to take much longer.

1.) N2 for You: N2 makes you wish you didn’t hate on Newcomb or the Pav as much as you did last year. It takes an ungodly amount of effort to eat breakfast before you shiver your ass off in front of a chipped plate of cold eggs. While it may be a temporary dining hall, construction on Newcomb doesn’t seem speedy… Its only saving grace is that Ms. Kathy is always there to greet you with a lovely “Hey suga, mamacita.”

Alessandra Hope wrote this

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are you smarter than? allie, bartender at michael’s bistro 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.

6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.

2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.

7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.

3) Geology: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust?

4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.

5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.

correct answers:

8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest?

9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?

10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.

1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle.

5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus

allie’s answers 1) The grassy knoll?

2) I know this one! The other day I was looking it up on Wikipedia. Doesn’t it start with S? Argh.

3) Tectonic plates 4) The diameter is how far across; radius half of that;

and circumference all the way around.

5) Newspapers?

6) A superhero? A robot?

7) Oliver Stone?

8) Mecca!

9) RNA? 10) Petraeus.

allie's score: 5/10 correct

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page 9

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How do you carry on your college lifestyle at home?

“I still use social media a lot to organize my social life and gather my friends for college reunions.” - Kadijah

How to Get Arrested at UVa uva staff wrote this After spending the past eighteen years sitting behind a computer screen, I’ve lived my fair share of badass lives. Note, though, that these lives have been played out in the dual realms of video games and film. Sure it may have all been a tad vicarious, but considering that I just completed my 12th re-watching of the Twilight Saga, I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to tell you a thing or two about being a real man. And what do real men do but get arrested for doing manly things after crushing some manly beers? Want to get arrested here in Charlottesville? Then follow my lead.

Let’s start out with a softball: piracy. Thousands of students across the nation are arrested every year for this crime—how ridiculous is that? Where is the harm in piracy? Some would claim that piracy is just a part of the modern world, and as Americans, we must learn to do deal with it appropriately not with arrest warrants. If one wants to voyage over to the Persian Gulf and hijack a few oil tankers, why does the U.S. military have to get involved? It’s not like those waters are our territory, sailor, and we deserve the right to nab a container ship full of children’s shoes. We hope you didn’t think we meant Internet piracy—when we mentioned students, we meant students enrolled in the prestigious University of Mogadishu. Come on now, we all know Internet piracy is stupid.

Really, who pays for porn anymore?

Now, we could take the easy way out of this article and talk about going all Remi Gaillard on random cops, but alas, corporate requires us to be original. What a buzz kill, those handsome devils are. However, in the spirit of random stupid actions, another great way to get arrested is to unjustly fire the beloved President of the University of Virginia and face the guillotine of widespread student protests. Man, sucks to be that guy. Wait, no one was arrested for that? Well, then fire the aforementioned president, then go kick a puppy in the

“I’m taking home my no-shave November and my sleep schedule.” - Dan

face, or something. The moral of the story is it’s better to be arrested than have to face the wrath of the university’s student body.

This next one is pure genius: Step one, take the U-Loop over to Rugby between the hours of 6p.m. and 4a.m. Step two, meet up with your old pal Fratty Frank. Step three: Bass. Turn that shit up. Step four, if you haven’t already been arrested at this point, be sure to ruffle some leaves or start a conversation with Frank in your indoor scream over 120 decibels. In no time you’ll be slapped with a $1,000 fine and six months in the joint. Violators of the Charlottesville noise ordinance will go down in history with the coolest of the cool, the Fonziest of the Fonzes.

At this point, most students have taken a plane back home or will be doing so in the near future. On your Charlottesville exit be sure to screw with America’s beloved TSA (“Thousands of Sexual Assau”—we mean—“Transportation Security Authority”). One of your options is to enter the security line decked out in a historically accurate Adolf Hitler costume, Luger and all. Either one of two events will follow: (1) the TSA officials will be so humbled by the re-arrival of their master that they will personally escort you to your terminal or (2) they well escort you in handcuffs to the next flight out to Guantanamo Bay. If Hitler is too strong, arrive with various metal objects glued to your body and sewed into your clothing. Nothing is better than three pat downs followed by a few strip searches without any warrant to speak of.

And with that you’ll be spending the rest of the holiday season in the clink, subsisting on all of the free bread and water you can handle. That orange jumpsuit and those blue Keds will forever remind you of your glory days as a Cavalier, ah the memories. Happy holidays, indeed.

“When at home I still sleep a lot, and I still try to catch up with studies and go out with friends. ” - Jake

The Grid

MONDAY: 4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets

Sunday Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu

Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15

Every Day: Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails from 3 Until 7

Happy Hours Specials: $3 Apps/$3 Margaritas Late Night Drink Specials: $2 VA Gentleman Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

5pm to 9pm: $2 Rails, $2 Drafts $4 House Wine

Grad School Night! $2 Drafts & $2 Bourbon

We have Felix and Awesome T-Shirts

Come Get Some Pizza at Slice!

Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7

FRIDAY 12/7

THURS. SPECIAL 12/6 NIGHT

WEDNESDAY: 50% Off Any Bottle of Wine $2 Rails, $2 Drafts

Happy Hour Specials: $1 Tacos | Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 Rails/Green Card Member Deals Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

5pm - 9pm: Three course dinner for $15 $10 off on any bottle of wine

4-7: $2 Drafts

Enjoy a happy hour whilst kicking your friends’ butt in Connect 4 (other games available)

Freaky Friday Free Garlic Knots with any 18’’ Large Pizza

Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7

$5 Big Burritos Late Night Drink Specials: $10 Mexican Beer Buckets $5 Malibu Long Islands Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

5pm- 9pm: Buy one entree and get second half off!

College Football Day!

Grab a bucket of beer and hang out on the balcony.

Gameday: Show your game ticket and get $4 off any order!

Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7

$3 Pitchers

Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu

Come Get Some Pizza at Slice!

Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Salsa Night Lesson at 7, Dance Party at 8

Over 80 Bottled Beers

Monday Madness!

Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15

Get $1 OFF

MON. 12/10

Happy Hour Specials: $5 pitchers w/Any App! Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Sauza Tequila Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

For catering and private events, please check out our website or contact us!

TUES. 12/11

Just tell us you read The Black Sheep

10am-2pm: Brunch $2 Bloody Marys $2 Mimosa

Happy Hour Specials: $6 Fajitas Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 BL 16oz.

Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

$4 Glass of House Wine Four course dinner for $20 $2 Rails

WED. 12/12

SUNDAY 12/9

Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

SAT. 12/8

Rapture

Happy Hour Specials: All you can eat tacos Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Pitchers of Baja Gold Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails

50% Off Any Bottle of Wine $2 Rails, $2 Drafts

4-7: $2 Drafts $9 Buckets

4-7: $2 Drafts $2 Rails

Boylan Dance Night 10pm

10 Constantly Changing Taps

Come Get Some Pizza at Slice!

Locally sourced food from sustainable farms

Wahoo Wednesday! $10 XL Cheese Pizza All Day

Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Dane Alderson & Friends 10:00 PM (Free) Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 UmlautGoth & Industrial Dance Party 10:00 PM Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Everyday (3 until 7) Charlottesville Music Showcase 10:00 PM (FREE)

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the madlib

So I was just minding my business the night before Christmas Eve, sneaking a ___1___ or five in my parent's ___2___, watching ___3___ for the ___4___ time, my God, it doesn't get old! Anyway, I went upstairs to grab some more ___5___ because hey, I'm starting my diet January 1.

And I couldn't believe my eyes. There he was, that ___6___ effing beast of a man, Santa Claus. At first I thought it was all the ___7___ I had consumed clouding my vision, because at this point I've had enough to make a ___8___ ___9___ enough to bang a ___10___.

But it got much worse. My ___11___ of a mother was sitting on his lap, wearing only ___12___ and ___13___, with ___14___ wrapped around her. She was feeding him ___15___ and they were watching ___16___. Then he started kissing her ___17___ and I was so stunned I dropped my snack and, suddenly, they turned around.

My mother stayed strong. "Oh, hi!" Santa beamed and said "Hello, there! HO HO HO!"

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i saw mommy kissing santa claus

I felt like a pound of ___18___ had just passed through me; my butt tingled and I got nervous. "What‌ where's dad?"

Santa quickly answered, "Oh, we shipped him to ___19___ to help make ___20___ for all of my deliveries!"

I ran over to Santa and grabbed his ___21___, chugged it, threw the glass against the ___22___ and then ___23___ Santa in the face. His cheeks got rosy, but he did not get mad.

"I love your mother, and you're going to have to accept that."

Santa then got down on one knee, and fumbled through his pockets to find a ___24___-encrusted ring, the size of a ___25___ and it glistened like it was in a ___26___ commercial. My mom shrieked, cried, and brought his jolly ole' beard in close to give a sloppy ___27___ Well, at least I know I'll always be getting sweet presents for Christmas.

1) Alcoholic beverage 2) room in a house 3) popular christmas movie 4) huge number 5) holiday snack 6) synonym for "fat" 7) beverage from #1 8) large wild animal 9) slang for "drunk" 10) small house pet 11) negative slang for "woman" 12) outdoor clothing 13) type of shoes

14) holiday decoration 15) holiday dessert 16) bad nic cage movie 17) body part 18) dense food 19) foreign country 20) trendy technology item 21) liquor drink 22) piece of furniture 23) type of punch 24) unusual jewel 25) summer fruit 26) high-end brand 27) slang for "kiss"

Crazy

s ' n o s k c Uncle Ja

! ! ! a z n a n o b t e k s a

b t f i g 0 $2

Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?

for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”

• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it.

• 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early.

• 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it.

• 14gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.

for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her.

• 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to

protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun.

• 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close.

• 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box.

• 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.

for the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one.

Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change.

• 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving.

• 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3): Everything he eats

may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms.

• 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache.

• 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.

for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny.

The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet.

• 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix

this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays.

• 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not.

• 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit.

• 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”

for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick?

• 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you

by morning.

• 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night?

• 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important.

• 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.

for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday-- an actual phone call!

Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do.

• 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it.

Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can.

• 4 Random shirts from the local

Goodwill ($4): When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings.

• 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one.

• 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions.

Score, social strata superiority.

the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME

Home Alone

A Christmas Story

Take a drink anytime a scene features hilarious head trauma.

Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?”

Take a drink when you notice product placement.

Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey.

Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting.

Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall.

Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”

Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams.

Take a drink when Mom serves food.

Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.”

Take a drink when Randy whines or cries.

Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker.

Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference.

Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.”

Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up.

Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose.

Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story.

Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced.

Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting.

Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys.

Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.

Elf Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced.

Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit.

Take a drink when Buddy sings.

Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to.

Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned.

Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them.

Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.”

Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas.

Take a drink when something goes wrong.

Take a drink when a calendar door is opened.

Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose.

Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree.

Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie.

Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation.

Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.

The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument.

Take a drink when bell rings or a clock tolls.

Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly.

Take a drink when someone says “humbug”, “Ebenezer” or “Scrooge.”

Take a drink when Michael Cain gets teary-eyed.

Take two drinks for each new ghost.

Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes.

Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”

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page 13

Quiz: What Christmas song are you?

3) It’s snowing! This means: A. St. Nick came! Maybe there are dollars in my shoes!

B. Girls will be easily wooed into staying in warmer places.

C. You get to bundle up in your cutest winter accessories.

D. Death, things are finally dying.

4) People start reminiscing about past Christmases, and now it’s your turn to talk: A. You stare into the eyes of the most attractive mate and say “My favorite Christmas has yet to come.”

B. “Last year my significant other and I stayed in and drank wine by the fire. It was so presh.”

C. “Any time of year is good when the old man is too drunk to get mad.”

D. “I can’t decide what Christmas I like the most! I LOVE THEM ALL!”

7) A group you are involved with decides to do a Secret Santa, you buy: A. Hot cocoa and wine :) B. Nothing, I’m sick and can’t leave my apartment…

C. “Leftover” Magnum condoms.

D. What’s the dollar limit!? I BUY THE BEST GIFTS! 8) You’re finally home for winter break, the first thing you do is: A. Help mom put up all the decorations!

B. Send “I miss you,” texts to my significant other(s).

C. Look for porn I might have hid in high school.

D. Lay in my bed, reaching for my childhood innocence.

5: A=4 B=3 C=2 D=1 6: A=2 B=4 C=1 D=3

7: A=1 B=2 C=4 D=3 8: A=3 B=1 C=4 D=2

answer key:

6) What’s your favorite Christmas movie?

A. The Nightmare Before Christmas.

B. Barbie in a Christmas Carol.

C. Love Actually!!

D. Uh, It’s A Wonderful Life? Duh.

3: A=3 B=4 C=1 D=2 4: A=4 B=1 C=2 D=3

2) Someone invites you to the third Christmas Party of the weekend, you: A. Prefer to drink whiskey alone during the holidays.

B. Say YES! I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME! C. Would rather have your own party, far away from campus.

D. Will go if the guy to girl ratio is heavily in your favor.

5) At what age did you stop believing in Santa/any other winter holiday spirits: A. I believe Santa lives inside us, and comes out through passionate love making.

B. NEVERRRRR!!!!!!

C. When the old man re-gifted his half pack of cigarettes when I was six.

D. I believe the Christmas Spirit lives on through love.

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1: A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 2: A=2 B=3 C= 4 D=1

1) Studying for finals, you listen to: A. None other than our campus radio! The hits!

B. My heartbeat and breath.

C. Christmas Music!!!!!!!

D. I prefer to sit by cute girls and listen to them breathe.

0-8 points: “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

by Mariah Carey: Well aren’t you just a preppy little love bird!? This song revolutionized Christmas by giving people an outright way to say “I want to have sex with you tonight.” So have some wine, wiggle your hips and point at anyone during the chorus, and Santa won’t be the only one coming on Christmas.

9-16 points: “Carol of the Bells”: You are very serious. Christmas is nothing more than a signifier of the endless passage of time. Christmas bells, snow, and cold weather only mark another year closer to death. People are out there starving, and here we are, worshipping capitalism and reveling in manufactured cheer. In the winter, we should just sit in front of the fireplace, waiting to die.

17-24 points: “Jingle Bell Rock”: You are just the worst. You’re the poster-child for the Christmas season, and everyone cringes at your unwavering enthusiasm this time of year. It looks like a Christmas bomb exploded in your apartment, and you just love having the sisters over to show it off. If the bar isn’t playing Christmas music, you’ll request it and dance your pants off. DANCE GOD DAMMIT IT’S CHRISTMAS BE HAPPY. 25-32 points: “Baby It’s Cold Outside”: For some reason, winter and Christmas bring out the creep in you.

You are the rapiest of the Christmas songs, and unlike Mariah Carey, utterly fail at sexualizing Christmas. The cold weather just gives you a reason to tell girls their “lips look delicious,” and convince them they’ll catch pneumonia if they go outside. Yes, they’ll be way better off staying in your dank love-dungeon for sure.

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Disclaimer

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013

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Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing.

Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays!

But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays.

Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all!

But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop.

Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted!

But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.

page 9

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again.

Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents!

But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right.

Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy!

But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays.

Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time!

But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer.

Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list!

But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethnic friends’ memories do not, you racist.

Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner!

But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength.

Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do.

But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.

less PAY more PLAY

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies.

Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome!

But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet.

Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out!

But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em.

Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit!

But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.

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