The Black Sheep
Fr ee ... ha like vin t g hat da g dd irl y i yo ss ue u lik s. e
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Volume 2, Issue 3 2/27/13 - 3/21/13
cracked! Pierce Bishop wrote this
In the dilapidated world that is the UVA experience outside of the Comm School, the struggle of not being in contemporary, well-equipped, completed buildings has come to a critical mass. The promised land of Nau and Gibson consists largely of office space (for the administration to stroke the egos of professors) and rooms for graduate seminars (for the hairy blobs called graduate students to stroke the egos of professors). The super-majority of students sit in buildings with tarp flapping against the windows and the sultry smell of decaying asbestos. Such a treat for the liberal arts students who have decided to defer their hatred of humanity a little bit longer while they enjoy Kant’s critiques or Marx’s history, roughing it in a way that mirrors what they can expect in the world of post-graduation unemployment. A professor of mine recently hit the perfect pitch when he described the teaching conditions in New Cabell Hall as being akin to a crack house… more than once. Well, now, isn’t that just the most poetic and accurate description? The unruly temperature that has us all huddled under our coats one day and wiping the putrid sweat off our brows the next. The welcoming sheets of plywood, sealed with duct tape, that cover the windows and their light in favor of the bleaching overhead lighting that flickers on and off. The constant din of jackhammers from outside as the rest of the world builds around us to forget this sorry hell-hole. The graffiti scrawled on the desks (which are bolted to the floor in case one of us junkies had the idea to gallivant off with such a prize) illustrating some group’s superiority over another or an obsession with dick sucking. The floor, constantly dusty, sometimes sticky, with substances (human, animal, culinary) no one knows, but everyone places their items on it. The walls, peeling with paint, excrete many decades worth of perspiring bodies that have crowded in these rooms as slaves to the substance of some singular subject. Indeed, the people in the room, these wonky dopes in this crack house, start to resemble crack heads. Being an English class, the connection is closer than one may think. The men stumble in, zombies exchanging a diet of brains for one of less nutritious and satisfying coffee and cigarettes, with patchy scruff on their face and asymmetrical haircuts. As they get to scratching their “beards” (just ask them) a few days worth of food and filth floats through the air, and you are reminded of that uncle you’ve only ever seen once at Thanksgiving and no one mentions except to say he went “West.” The clothes, for both men and women, set the crack-y mood as well. There seems to be a competition between the students as to who can best meld androgyny and destruction in their outfits. Jeans appear unisex, rolled tightly and awkwardly toward the knee, and are adorned with holes, scuffs, stains, and jangling keys. Shoes do not give any hints as the whole class seems to be clad in the same pair of chunky boots that they wore while being dragged down a rough sidewalk. Hair, for men and women, also has a nice crack house feel…and smell! Some have decided that a greasy red dye job with a cut that sticks out in awkward clumps is the way to win the androgyny competition. The hair is really accentuated by the seemingly random tattoos and piercings around the face, neck, and head. Have the side of your head shaved but the rest grows
Second Writing Pains
normal? Pick a spot, any spot, on that side’s ear and pierce it. And don’t be surprised if some of these piercings start to mold as they were performed by a benevolent neighbor. Have a large chunk of hair dyed orange? In close proximity to the dye, get a tattoo with a Latin phrase and a poorly drawn image, preferably something furry. Add in the collective twitch at any mention Freud and you have to ask, “what the hell are these kids on?” So, maybe Cabell Hall isn’t really a crack house, but what exactly is it? Conducive to learning? No. Conducive to breathing without a mask? No, again. Conducive to hearing the person ten feet in front of you? That’s a negative. Yet, the students have adapted to these conditions. Nothing says “best public university in America” like rooms that allow students to succeed while playing the role of meth-mouthed ditch diggers. Keep up the challenge, UVA. Make the liberal arts interesting, at least, since you’ve already killed it with where you’ve put your endowment money.
what'’s inside
The Pros of Blood Diamonds
Awkward & Fitness Center
Is there anything more arduous than a second writing requirement?
Diamonds are forever, but the guilt of buying a blood diamond can be relieved pretty quick!
ALWAYS avoid eye contact at the AFC.
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contents page 4: iron Laden to Kitty Maidens: Monopoly’s Strives for Gender Equality
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4
A new Monopoly game piece means steps in the right direction for women.
page 5: Top 10: Other Things Charlottesville Really Doesn’t Need to Worry About Someone tell City Council we are safe from ManBearPig.
Table of
pages 7: from the streets If you could delete a region of america, what would it be?
page 12: Bartender of the Week Tom from the Biltmore has a pierced nipple!!!
page 13: Cancun Bar Remembers richmond Hero Her boobs will forever be in our hearts and memories.
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word of the week Egocentrick: A delusional personality trait in which
Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?
a loathed person perceives themselves as popular.
Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
“When Kaylee invited herself to Jason’s party after he called her a bloated sea whore, we knew she was egocentrick.”
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Iron Laden to Kitty Maidens: Monopoly’s Strives for Gender Equality Sammie Sea wrote this Think back to your childhood game cabinet. Among the dried clumps of Play-Doh and dust bunnies lies the longest and most frustrating game in history: Monopoly. Not only does the game force the ideas of big business and outrageous taxation onto children, but you can never finish the damn thing! It’s doubtful that anyone has ever truly won this game. And even if they did, they were probably the banker, and should go to jail for embezzlement of funds.
husbands dominate with the clearly superior piece, the racecar. Because really, whether it be for practical use or play, no man ever used the iron without suffering a severe blow to his masculinity. But that’s all changed now. Women have successfully made the transition in the game world from dowdy housekeeper to single cat lady! There’s still the thimble that mildly represents the Betsy Ross sewing fanatic in all women, but let’s take this one step at a time here.
This begs the question, who the hell is still buying this game? At this point, everyone pretty much has an old board lying around their parents’ house. Re-circulate those suckers if you want to have a shitty game night. Hasbro still sees profit in Monopoly, which is shocking in itself. But the fact that they’re trying to revamp the game is just unnecessary.
The cat bears the same stigma as the iron. It’s a woman’s piece. So maybe the equality of the pieces hasn’t evened out but hey, at least we’re out of the kitchen, right? Along with the inherent characteristics that come with being a feminist, such as the unshaven legs, bra-less chest and anger towards any gender roles that resemble “tradition,” also comes the harsh reality that you’re most likely going to end up alone, taking comfort in your hourly meditations with your three cats.
Recently, Hasbro held a poll on their Facebook (they have a Facebook?) asking people to vote on their least favorite Monopoly game piece. Among the options were the wheelbarrow, the boot and the iron—the true bitch pieces. Evidently, the iron was voted the least favorite by voters and got the boot, no pun intended. But what’s even greater about the retirement of the iron is the introduction of the new piece, the cat. That’s right, a cat. You know what that means? There has been a breakthrough in the feminist movement! Gone are the days of women begrudgingly being forced to play as the iron while their
Unfortunately for women, we only have two options in life: devoted wife or single cat lady. Men can get away with being an eternal bachelor, but an eternal bachelorette? Your looks will only get you so far, ladies. But we say embrace it and relish in the triumph of another feminist piece inducted into the game of Monopoly. Apparently, as fate would have it, there seems to be a dispute about the legitimacy of the cat’s victory. There was a subsequent poll, after the poll to retire the iron, that had people vote on the new piece to be added to the game. Among the choices was a robot, a diamond
ring, a helicopter, a guitar and of course, our beloved kitty cat. Many voters believe that the voting was rigged as the robot had a clear lead throughout the entire process. In all honesty, the robot seems to be the obvious choice among the five, but somehow the sly feline seemed to coax its way onto the roster. However it happened, Hasbro seems to be giving Monopoly a couple of facelifts to keep it relevant. Will there be a recount to determine the true victor of this polling? Who knows? Better yet, who really cares? Until someone makes up a Monopoly drinking game that utilizes that weird thimble piece as a shot glass, we’re not buying it.
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Other Things Charlottesville Really Doesn't Need to Worry About
Charlottesville, on its usual civil liberties kick, passed a law recently that prohibits the use of evidence being presented in court that was obtained through the domestic use of drones. Considering the immense number of drones…that have not yet made it anywhere near Charlottesville… the city probably could have left this legislation in the hopper. Here are some more far off things they can chill about. 10.) A Cure for the Zombie Apocalypse: While the recent film Warm Bodies may have you thinking otherwise, there are not any zombies trudging around (yet?) so there is no need to spend valuable resources on this. Let those doctors cure male pattern baldness first. 9.) Smallpox: Word is the city has a really big fear that angry rural Albermarle residents have crafted a plan to come into their homes and replace normal blankets with smallpox blankets. While this would be pretty nifty in the revenge department, it comes to the attention of The Black Sheep that, in America, this disease has been eradicated. 8.) ManBearPig: Remember that saying, “Don’t believe everything you see on TV?” Yeah, that doesn’t apply in Charlottesville, at least not at City Hall. Everything is real and they must fight it! While anti-ManBearPig suits are definitely the next generation in emergency preparedness fashion, they can probably put those in the warehouse for a bit longer.
Second Writing Pains Katrina Margolis wrote this So you’re a transfer student and your advisor informs you that you have to finish the second-writing requirement at the good ole’ University of Virginia. Not exactly something Edgar Allan Poe would have been too keen on. You choose to take an ENLT, because who doesn’t love reading? And of course you’re an English major because all the greatest people are. Well, you’re in for a treat. Let’s examine just how much fun you’re going to have in class. There are two types of TAs you could possibly get. You could get the unreasonably self-asssured TA who thinks that they are the next Hemingway, or better yet, Foucault (a fancy French philosopher who speaks ad nauseam about gender). They will stand up in front of the class, and tend to ask questions that can easily be transitioned into a lecture on the meaning of the apple in literature, or Christ imagery. Usually there is a beard involved, and a lot of side-tracked points that involve using words like etymology, bildungsroman, and pejorative.
7.) The Size of Sodas: So the logic is, if you have a problem with fat people, don’t confront the fat people? 6.) Having More Bike Lanes: All the members of City Council must ride bikes because they would otherwise realize that the roads are no longer car friendly. Whatever happened to road sharing? 5.) Having Charging Areas for Electric Cars: All those douche bags that would buy one already have bikes AND they wear helmets when riding. They have invested all of their dignity in rejecting the American social norm of driving everywhere and taking up two spaces. Apple chargers everywhere would be awesome, though. 4.) Neither The Impending Communist Revolution…: Marx, Engels, love you guys, but can you, like, appear in City Council’s dreams and let them know it will be fine, they do not need to stockpile arms in the foundations of city buildings? We know, Charlottesville thinks itself to be well read and they realize “communism is the riddle of history solved, and it knows itself to be this solution,” but, you’ve made it this far, the threat has probably passed.
The other option is the pushover. Pushover TA will ask you a lot of general questions such as what you thought of the novel, or what the themes are. They tend to write a lot of things on the board, including things that really do not need to be written down such as a list of general words like, “narration” or “plot.” When speaking they will tend to nod without really any sort of verbal response to your input except for perhaps the occasional, “Interesting.” This may be your best bet for enjoyment, though be wary of not falling asleep. As a transfer, you are obviously not a first-year, but guess what? Everyone else is! First-years are great because they’re still in that phase of trying to be over impressive, as it’s their first year of college. Of course, because they are at UVA, they were all at the top of their class in high school and think that their analysis of the text as a “social commentary” sounds impressive and well beyond their years. You’ll find the girl who is leaning towards Women’s and Gender Studies, and to her everything is about sex. The longing gaze is because he’s gay, or the shirt she’s wearing is because she’s really a lesbian. To her left is the girl who just rushed. She thinks she’s the coolest because she just accepted a bid at the beginning of this semester, will talk more than she should, saying things like, “I completely agree with you—I think that this is just really, like, heavy, like it’s a very, like emotional text.” Emotions are going to be big with her, no doubt. The jock will never show up. Really. And when he does, there is no participation. This is especially true if your TA is of the pushover variety. One girl will always say things that everyone knows are wrong, and probably pronounce a lot of words wrong (wanton will become the same word as wonton, for example). One boy will have really good points but speaks so slowly that you begin to lose interest halfway through. Of course, all you’ll get out of the TA throughout this is a blank, nodding face. Come to think of it, this masterwork is something that needs to be read by these freshmen, and you, the older, wiser exchange student. It’s filled with wit, a true examination of the class structure in the college environment. And of course it has the faithful favorite: social commentary.
3.) …Nor The Animal Revolution: Yes, your dog hates when you pull them back inside too early and deer are pissed that you keep putting fences in their way. That does not mean they are formulating a plan of sabotage. But, hey, if you want to imagine a rabbit hurling a grenade your way, be our guest. 2.) Singularity: You can’t really do anything about it. Either don’t think about it or just accept it. 1.) University of Virginia Students Voting in Your Elections and Putting Sense Into You: There are nights where we can’t find our shoes…on our feet…with help from others. Forget finding where the hell we are supposed to go to vote.
Pierce Bishop wrote this
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The Pros of Blood Diamonds
TBS Staff wrote this
So you think she’s the one, huh? The one that’s going to love you forever, despite your lack of ambition, money, and the several blonde “mistakes” you’ve made after four years at UVA? The one who is going to cherish every Saturday night spent watching Barter Kings together and fighting over who had to do the dishes? The one who will always encourage you do the few things you really do love, even if those things are fetish porn, gravy, and artisan handjobs? You’re probably wrong. But here at The Black Sheep, we aren’t interested in talking you out of the second biggest mistake of your life. We’re here to help you pick out a ring like we’re your own personal slightly-more-flamboyant-and-even-more-delightfullysassy Queer Eye for the Straight Guy posse. After that, we’ll talk you out of the actual biggest mistake of your life— your decision to care about human rights. That’s right, politically-correct-but-still-apathetic one. Diamond engagement rings are expensive, and us girls are still too shallow to realize that spending two months’ salary on a piece of jewelry is about as smart of a life choice as spending two months’ salary on a robot hooker (actually, you would get more practical use out of a robo-whore). But you have to get her a diamond, otherwise you’re “not really engaged, sweetie,” so why not a blood diamond? Popularized by Leonardo DiCaprio in 2006, blood diamonds are Africa’s answer to ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, the Holocaust, and every movie starring Kristen Stewart (we get to choose our problems in the first world—otherwise we wouldn’t be the first world, idiot). Yes, these are diamonds specifically mined in dangerous war zones, often by slave labor, which finance warlords
who often discourage democratic voting by chopping off the hands of innocent civilians. Are we having fun yet? First of all, they’re much cheaper than any diamond not subsidized with the tears of families that have been torn apart by the violent and greedy actions of a few random guys they’ve never met. That’s great news for you, since your job barely pays for the rent, let alone a fancy ring that only tells other guys that your girl is currently only allowed to think about blowing them. It’s not like you’re ever going to be able to talk her into something less Kardashian, because then everyone will think she’s selling the milk for a deeply reduced price. They might even think she’ll put out after just one “Two for $20” deal at Applebee’s. Secondly, are war zones really that bad? Our research tells us that, on average, they’re on the same level as Lord Licorice’s castle in the beloved and intellectually challenging board game Candyland. That is to say, they’re intimidating and may scare small children, but are also secretly delicious. Think about it: if war zones are really that bad, why are there so many of them, and why are children drawn to them? It must be because they are actually a twisted and tasty strawberry-flavored treat. Next, who are you to decide if a warlord is right or wrong? They have their reasons for what they’re doing. Isn’t it just a little presumptuous of you to assume that you know what’s best for a place that you’ve never been and probably never will go? Right. It’s only fair that you attempt to be as unbiased as possible by spending your money in such a way that you have no idea who or what it is funding. You never can, and never will hold warlords down. After all, we all love Braveheart. Would you want to quash
the next William Wallace by declining him funding because you think he’s corrupt? Didn’t think so. Nothing says, “I love you, but I’m not turning off the game for you” like a blood diamond. Here at The Black Sheep, we’ve heard you can get certified blood diamonds these days, and they’re often deeply discounted. By buying a certified blood diamond, you’ll ensure that at least four children, two adults, and seven to eight elephants lost various body parts in the mining process. Come on, buddy. Isn’t your girl worth it? She definitely isn’t worth the $4,000 and lifetime of missing Monday Night Football that a regular engagement ring costs.
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you could delete a region of America, what would it be? “Hawaii, there’s nothing wrong with it, but culturally makes no sense. It’s different and autonomous.” - Thomas
“I’d probably get rid of the northern part of the Midwest, like North Dakota. It’s unimportant.” - Katrina
“Either the Jersey Shore or Southern California. Hollywood is superficial, and the people are superficial.” - Dylan
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Awkward & Fitness Center Spencer Schloss wrote this
The gym is a wonderfully horrible place. We go there to bulk up, get trim, or casually elliptical with zero resistance so as to reduce the sweat output while scoping out any AFC hotties. It doubles as a home to both work and play, but our prized athletic facility is structured to breed awkwardness. The machines lining the top floor are arranged in a fashion so that one directly faces a row of sweaty people working desperately to burn off the calories from yesterday’s late night chips and guac at Qdoba. As you are carried through the up-and-down bobs of the elliptical while trying to focus on the news channel that no one really wants to watch, the inevitable Shakespearean question lurks... to make eye contact, or not to make eye contact? We’ve all been there and weighed the options. I can pretend to be engrossed in the daily news, stare at my workout progress screen, rotate my gaze around the gym to avoid any… ah dammit. Now that eye contact has been established with that dashing man, you both feel sufficiently awkward. You should both avert your eyes as quickly as possible only to lock eyes every few minutes after that for the remainder of your workout.
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If you wish to be forever looked upon as an enemy of the AFC, a good start is failing to wipe down your machine. We all think of ourselves as awesome people, and that anyone should be blessed to even come close to touching our sweat, but unfortunately not everyone appreciates us like that creepy Tom kid from last semester’s physics class—you know the one, that wanted a lock of our hair? After your rigorous
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Sure, sweating is a normal bodily function, but when it starts to create intricate designs on your plain grey tee, that’s when things start to get awkward. The foible that many AFC amateurs make is that of wearing any lightly-colored t-shirt; your neon yellows, pinks, and powder blues. The trick is to stick to white, black or even navy to create the illusion that you are superior to your workout peers because yes, you work out, but sweating just isn’t something that happens to people like you, unless it’s for a photo shoot in the tropics, because Anna Wintour just had to have it. Another gym faux pas is music selection and volume. We have all encountered that uncomfortable moment when the kid a few ellipticals down is blasting tunes from Hairspray: The Musical at a volume that allows everyone else to enjoy the show. The surrounding exercisers exchange looks of pity for the poor sucker that is oblivious to the fact that he has let everyone in on his guilty pleasure of working out to show tunes, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Following an intense workout, the only thing left to do is embrace the awkward walk home. While passing strangers you must resist the urge to yell, “I don’t normally look like this, I swear I just worked out!”
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workout and overflow of sweat onto the surface of the machines, casually walking away without grabbing that conveniently-placed wipe will inherently welcome stares of disgust and horror in your direction; and no one wants to be known as that unsanitary girl.
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mouth is Each week, under our Bartender of the Week feature, we publish a small article, “Recipe for Disaster.” In it, we outline a means of preparing drunk food that caters to your average student. Well, we decided just making up recipes was bullshit—real chefs taste their food! At least, that’s what Tom Colicchio tells us.
poptartilla Ingredients: Two tortillas, two blueberry Pop-Tarts, extra-crunchy peanut butter, strawberry jam Preparation Time: 6 minutes Flavor: 3.5 Texture: 4.9 Ease of Eating: 3 Ease of Preparation: 4 Ease of Clean-Up: 2.5
So here we have six recipes, both normal and bizarre, that have ran in that wacky feature. We had all of our full-time staffers try them, rating each six items in five categories scaled 1-5, 1 being the worst, 5 the best. Some were amazing, some ah-mah-zing, others, well, we’d tell you, but there’s still some puke left in the darkest recesses of our stomach.
Notes: We found love. -The Poptartilla turned out much better than any of the judges expected. Some questioned how the tortilla would mix with the processed Pop-Tart, others, whether the consistency would be too weird after a couple of bites. These fears were unfounded. The tortilla posed no threat, and the texture was spot on. - As the above pictures suggest, the Poptartilla is a visually stunning culinary masterpiece, sure to impress any wastoid foolish enough to accompany a The Black Sheep reader home to “watch Anchorman.” Beyond that, the tortilla offers easy eating opportunities. Not only does it look nice, it’s easy to shove down your throat, easier than his tobacco-stained tongue, at least. - However delicious the Poptartilla may be, it sure does poach one’s throat. A huge gravity bong rip always gives the late-night muncher a mean case of cottonmouth, and the peanut butter all but assures a choking hazard as it tries to slide down that dehydrated highway. - Sloppy drunks should be wary of preparing the Poptartilla. For maximum flavor, the tortilla should be warmed in a skillet, and the Pop-Tarts toasted in the...the toaster. Both of these present serious burning risks to those lacking full-body control.
ghetto fab chow mein
Ingredients: Chicken-flavored ramen, two hot dogs, green onions, a red bell pepper, lettuce, tomato • Preparation Time: 13 minutes • Flavor: 2.1 • Texture: 2.25 • Ease of Eating: 4.5 • Ease of Preparation: 1 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Do you like ramen? Of course you do, you’re a college student, and it’s the best meal twenty cents can buy. Well, how about you throw out the MSG flavor explosion, add some of your precious veggies, a hot dog and spend twice as long coo…HEY! GET BACK HERE AND FINISH READING THIS HUMOROUS QUIP! - But really, the Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is almost certainly more trouble than it’s worth. An amateur chef has a hard enough time boiling water, sautéing veggies, and cooking hot dogs at the same time. Force
them to do this intoxicated, and all of a sudden, spending the last six dollars on a Jimmy John’s sub is a much better proposition. - The best use of Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is for wooing that lusty little beast you randomly made out with on the walk home. Visually, the noodles mixed with juicy red meat and a variety of veggies promises the promiscuous person a meal of a lifetime. Since everything tastes better drunk, (s)he’ll be fooled by the visuals. Your resulting visuals won’t be so bad.
inferno walking taco Ingredients: One can of chili, three small bags of Fritos, sour cream, lettuce, tomato, green onions, and mozzarella cheese Preparation Time: 4 minutes Flavor: 4.1 Texture: 4 Ease of Eating: 3.6 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 5
Notes: WTF, right? - Eating doesn’t get much easier than opening a bag that has food in it, putting more food in said bag, then eating food out of the bag. Ever see a commercial that claims “X” can be done if the user “just adds water”? Well, the Inferno Walking Tacos are the “just add water” of delicious food, minus water, plus fat and meat. - Once everything’s in the bag, you’re set. Think about it; if a drunk suddenly needs to up and run from the fuzz, no need to put anything in a bag, it’s already in a bag! And a bag in a bag?! College kids can’t afford that many bags. Need to throw it away? Just put the bag in a garbage bag. “But I thought you said I shouldn’t be putting bags in bags?” you say? Exception proves the rule, son. - The only real knock to the Inferno Walking Tacos is, the eater has to get down there and really find those Fritos. While the other ingredients taste good, the texture, sans-chip, is unpleasant. - If there was a diarrhea factor, this would get a 5.
Fluffernutter Cookies Ingredients: One cup extra-crunchy peanut butter, one cup marshmallow fluff, one egg • Preparation Time: 28 minutes • Flavor: 4.4 • Texture: 2.7 • Ease of Eating: 2.1 • Ease of Preparation: 2.5 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1
Sticky-icky-icky.
Notes: - Our Recipe for Disaster called for baking these cookies for fifteen minutes. For this to work, the cookies need to be portioned out to Oreo-sized cookies, or they will not bake all the way through in this period of time. -If you’re stupid enough to make four large cookies (see left), be prepared to have a… wait for it…sticky situation on your hands! Marshmallow fluff is sticky, so is peanut but-
ter. So is undercooked sugar. - We’re still not quite sure why egg is to be used in this. Does one really need a binding agent if there’s no flour and two sticky ingredients involved? (Note: The answer is no.) -The above failures aside, the cookie actually tasted pretty good, as peanut buttery and marshmallowy things are wont to do. One taster noted chocolate chips would be a wonderful addition. Sure. Why not?
bbq nachos Ingredients: Tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, green onions, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce Preparation Time: 3 minutes Flavor: 2.4 Texture: 2.6 Ease of Eating: 3.9 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 3.5
Notes: -The biggest compliment one can pay to BBQ Nachos is that they’re easy to make. Chips— hobos can afford chips—plus a few condiments, and one has a snack that is, well, not good, but edible. - Drunken peoples should avoid using dangerous appliances; this is fact. Sure, this rules out obvious enemies like the food processor and the Rotato, but there’s the always-dangerous oven. What if one falls asleep using it, causing a fire? Or burns their hand badly, meaning no masturbation for weeks? Well, the microwave is safe, but not for the food. We popped our BBQ Nachos in there for two minutes—about a minute and a half too long. The chips were hard and the cheese way overdone.
the lent buster Ingredients: Two blueberry Pop-Tarts, one pint chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, one Snickers bar, a handful of hot dog-flavored potato chips, a handful of original potato chips, chocolate syrup, two shortbread cookies, one cupcake, a handful of Cheerios, one can of Coke Zero, a handful of pretzels, ice, a splash of vodka. • Preparation Time: 7 minutes • Flavor: 1 • Texture: 0.5 • Ease of Eating: 3.3 • Ease of Preparation: 4 • Ease of Clean-Up: 2 Notes: - All those ingredients went in a blender for about ten seconds. The end result was a cold slurry of salty-sweet slop that looked and smelled like throw-up. - There’s an old saying about camels: A camel is a horse designed by engineers; the idea being, a camel is a bunch of good ideas poorly applied. If this analogy holds true, the Lent Buster is liquid diabetes created by malevolent assholes with early-onset Type 2 diabe-
tes. Does a small item of food have more than 100% the daily suggested sodium or sugar intake? Throw that shit in there, son. - Though it was mostly a thick, grainy paste—ostensibly easy to consume—the Lent Buster scores low marks for being so visually and olfactorily disgusting. It was like drinking an ugly hobo milkshake. - When drinking the Lent Buster, one could chew on wet potato chip. It was not pleasant.
Hard cheese, not pleased.
- We re-cooked a smaller batch for 45 seconds, and this batch of BBQ nachos were good, which is the apex of this snack’s potential. Do you like salty things? Sweet things? Cheesy things? Congratulations, so does everyone else! The line ends around the forever.
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bartender of the week Tom W. The BIltmore How long have you been bartending: I’ve been at The Biltmore since 2009, and in all since 2007. Best burger in town: Citizen Burger Bar. It’s local, you get one cow in a burger. Favorite drink: Shot of bourbon and craft beer, like Devil’s Back. Best beer: Blue Mountain’s Dark Hollow. Best night working: The Playboy party, they were really awesome. Favorite Patron: NGSL (North Grounds Softball League). They’re always up here. They’re at that age where they party, but take care of themselves.
Best/worst drunk story: Woke up with my nipple pierced. My girlfriend was afraid to get her bellybutton pierced, and my friends got me drunk so I’d get something pierced. Favorite Bar: Club HQ at Atlantic City. It’s out of control! My favorite here is McGrady’s. Thoughts on UVA: Love it! Great culture, beer, like the Napa Valley of Virginia. Best night of the week: Definitely Friday. If you could bartend anywhere, where would it be: Vegas! It’s high speed, high volume, the busier the better. Man crush: Oh, George Clooney.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Congratulations – it’s award season once again! The red carpets, the celebrities, the performances… the list of nonsense winds on and on. One of the most anticipated award shows of the season is of course the Oscars; however, one cannot forget the other events that are to follow. Such shows include The Country Music Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the TV Land Awards, the Tonys, the Bronys, and our favorite, the AVNs.
As if pancakes weren’t already good enough, beer makes them even better. Pancakes and beer go together like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston; it just makes sense. Start your day off in the best way with some beercakes for that essential morning pregame.
award season
What You’ll Need: Hard booze, cheap beer, and a bloated ego. Number of Players: As many as can fit around your crappy living room. Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and pre-rehab Mickey Rourke How to Play: - Decide beforehand on the nominees whom you think will win or whom you want to win. - Take a drink anytime someone is asked who they are wearing. - Take a shot anytime a celebrity shows up without their partner. - Anytime someone you pick wins, choose one person to take a shot. - If your nominee loses, chug for five seconds. - Take a shot every time a winner thanks god. - Waterfall for the first 30 seconds of each tribute. - Take a shot anytime a winner is cut off by music. The Game Ends When: People have an existential meltdown as to the concept of award shows and worshipping celebrities… or people just stop paying attention because all the relevant awards have been handed out.
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beercakes
What You’ll Need: 1 can of your favorite beer, 1 teaspoon of salt, 2 cups of all-purpose flour, 2 beaten eggs, 1/2 cup of white sugar, 1/4 cup melted butter, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and cooking spray. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you’re using light beer or not. Let’s Get Baked: - In a large bowl stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. - Add the eggs, beer and melted butter to the mix. Stir until mixture is blended; a few lumps is fine. - Heat a skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Spoon the batter out over the skillet using either a 1/3 or 1/4 cup measuring cup. - When the beercakes start to bubble, flip them over until the other side is browned. - Pour your favorite syrup over the beercakes and eat ‘em while they’re hot! They taste a lot better going down than they do coming up, so eat wisely.
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Cancun bar remembers richmond hero TBS staff wrote this As UVA warms up for another spring break, many of us are taking a moment to reflect on past vacations. For the some dozen students who travelled to Cancun, Mexico last year, one brave, heroic act stands above all the drunken shenanigans that flavor so many spring breaks.
biggest smile I’ve ever seen and lifted her shirt to expose her bare breasts. She shouted, ‘Woo! I love you guys!’ and turned back around.”
“Day solay,” said Montreal University senior Monique Paschal who was at Senor Frogs during Warner’s heroic display. “Juh nuh comprend pa.”
Added Morris, “I miss that bitch.”
“Liz Warner showed us her boobs,” recalls senior Rich Wang. “It was incredible.”
The Black Sheep tracked down the group of spring breakers Warner and Morris allegedly cut in front of at the bar - a group of juniors from Virginia Tech. Did now-seniors Jerome Page, Leon Williams, Charles White and Sybil Martinez recall the event?
Paschal shook her head as if she didn’t understand why someone would expose their breasts to strangers. “Voolay voo be en parlay ploo luntumun, seal voo play.”
Several eyewitnesses, including Warner’s BFF, eagerly confirmed for The Black Sheep that, while waiting for her glass to be filled at Cancun club, Senor Frogs, then-super senior Elizabeth Warner turned around to the patrons behind her and heroically lifted her shirt to expose her breasts. “I’ve never seen such courage,” Warner’s friend, senior Kevin Duncan recounted. “I’ll never forget it. ‘Tick Tock’ by Ke$ha was playing, and it was at that part, the one where she’s like, ‘The party don’t start till I walk in,’ and Lizzy just turned around at that exact moment and flashed us.” “It was like magic,” Duncan added. Warner, who was pursuing a degree in primary education during spring break 2012, (she has since graduated), had reportedly stashed her bikini top in her Best Friend Forever’s saddlebag in anticipation of a later wet t-shirt Contest. BFF Sarah Morris remembers the event well. “Lizzy has always had the biggest heart,” Morris said. “We were standing at the bar to get her drink- I was the designated sober in our group that night- and we were dancing and laughing, and then Liz turned to me and said, ‘I think we cut in front of the guys behind us!’ I told her I wasn’t sure and kept dancing, but Liz turned around with the
“This little blonde chick flashed the whole bar!” Page said. “It was the most memorable experience of my college life!” “Did she cut in front of us?” Williams said. “What? Wait, did she? Hell, man, I don’t remember.” “She was the nicest person I’ve ever met,” White remarked. “It was the craziest thing,” Martinez said. “I remember being really pissed about something, but suddenly there were boobs and I just got really happy suddenly. I think that girl rescued my whole night. I… I never got to thank her.” And yet, there are some who recall Warner’s selfless act of bravery in a different light. “Ugh, what a slut,” said junior Kelly Vargas, even though she has no idea what she’s talking about. “Who seriously flashes an entire bar? What a drunk whore.” As of press time, Vargas was sleeping with her boyfriend’s brother.
As the first anniversary of Elizabeth Warner’s selfless, courageous, noble, valiant night of valor approaches, TBS caught up with the heroine herself. As of press time, Warner was heroically working as an assistant in a preschool and hadn’t had more than four hours of sleep a night in the past month. “Excuse me, sir, you have to check in at the office,” she told TBS valiantly. When we clarified that we were here to interview her about Spring Break 2012, her courage nearly faltered. “Janelle? Have they… Have they found her? Is she okay?” TBS clarified further and Warner became annoyed. “Who are you? Get out.” When Warner finally relented to an interview while the preschoolers napped, she remained humble and oblivious to the effect her act or courage last year had on her fellow spring breakers. “Sybil Martinez says ‘thank you,’” we said. “Who?” Warner asked.
less PAY more PLAY
We asked Elizabeth Warner to recount the event in her own words. “I don’t know, dude. I was so drunk. I remember dancing with Sarah [Morris] at Senor Frogs and I just flashed the bar. I spent the next two hours throwing up and crying for my mom in the bathroom with Janelle. That was… that was the last time I saw her.” We changed the subject so Warner wouldn’t talk about her (probably dead) friend again. “Do you think you’ll go on spring break again this year?” At that moment, a young boy came up to us, put his finger in his nose and wiped it on Warner’s arm before going back to his nap mat. Warner sighed unhappily. “No. I’m a grown-up now. I’m a… a…” As of press time, Elizabeth Warner was sobbing inconsolably in her classroom’s closet.
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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