The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 2, Issue 4 3/21/13 - 4/3/13
Major Rejection spenser wrote this
No, this is not the embarrassing rejection of a possible lover, but the evermore crushing refusal of acceptance from that one distinct major you expected to determine the rest of your life. For most second year students, it is that crucial time of year that determines their lot in life. You may think we’re being dramatic, but you won’t feel that way when you find yourself incinerating the J.P. Morgan business cards you made for yourself in second grade after being heartlessly denied by the Comm School. The McIntire School of Commerce is only one of the many majors that ruthlessly build up the hopes of prospective students, only to strike any aspirations down with a Zeus-like power, producing weeping Wahoos mourning the loss of their aspired-for careers. Other malicious majors bare their teeth in the form of the Batten School, Media Studies, and slightly more obscure majors that choose to use acronyms like PPL and PST. Just like any other significant life trauma, UVA students follow a grieving process. Many of you jilted individuals have been campaigning for your future career for a very long time. In the second grade you began preparation for your future political career by distributing free juice boxes at lunch with your name scribbled on them in crayon. Your intensive campaign continues all the way into college until that fateful e-mail presents itself in your inbox. But no. Sorry, no Batten School, buddy. With your heart in your throat, and tears welling up in your eyes you read . . . We regret to inform you… The crushing wave of defeat hits you head on and sets in motion the five phases of grief.
The first stage of denial encompasses the plausible excuses we devise to make ourselves feel better. We tell ourselves that Maybe they got the wrong transcript…. Did I remember to send in my essay? It’s almost April 1st, this must be a cruel joke. Despite the many justifications we students conjure, there soon comes the time when we move on to the next stage of major rejection grief: blinding anger. Why did I come to this school anyway? Ooooh UVA, you’re so prestigious and great, yeah, well, not great enough to let me into your stupid program. Politics is a waste of time, and who is this Frank Batten dude? I’m just going to pull an Edgar Allen Poe and dropout, hey it worked for him. This stage is necessary to release your rage. Just make sure to do it in private rather than broadcasting your negative sentiments on Facebook or Twitter, you never know where T. Sully may be lurking. Once the anger has finally abated, you may still realize that yeah, I do like politics I was just a tad upset. Consequently we move on to stage 3: bargaining. I promise I will study every day if you just let me into the Batten School. I’ll limit myself to only going out on Thursdays, and only streak The Lawn twice a semester, and I’ll donate a portion of my future excessive salary to the Batten School if you’ll just let me in. This tactic is 99.9% unsuccessful, not to mention pitiful. However, your fruitless efforts help you to realize that you are not getting in, and bargaining is not going to help. Oh by the way, the 0.1% when it works is only if you have pictures that you threaten to send to The Black Sheep.
Frightening Underside to Brown
They’re not just fuzzy hippies!
page 4
On to depression. It’s over. UVA has squandered my dreams and I will now be disowned by my parents. Yes, the same ones who paid for me to learn so I could earn a living, then buy them a nice retirement home or a sports car. Instead, I will be spending my time, as Chris Farley “living in a van down by the river” bluntly put it. Might as well pack up your blue and orange duffel and leave before you have to face your destined-to-be-more-successful peers. Okay, so living down by the river may have been an exaggeration. Maybe you’ll just end up in a trailer park off a semi-paved road. Not gaining acceptance into your major does not mean you are a total failure… it just means you have failed in the field you wanted to spend the remainder of your life in …but not to worry! There may be an answer at the bottom of that wine bottle in the kitchen
what'’s inside
and you will soon be on your wobbly way to the final stage… acceptance. You’re forced to learn to accept the loss of the major you were once hopeful for, and you will move on to a new one. If you wanted to get into the Comm School, there is always Econ! Did you have high hopes of being a diplomat after entering the Batten School? Hello government major! Maybe you can still print “wonk” on your card! Rejected from media studies? Whaddup English major. PPL didn’t want to accept you either? What is PPL anyway? Regardless, there are a wealth of majors that UVA has to offer, and just because you had your sights set on that one enticing subject area, does not mean that you can’t fulfill your dreams with a different major. You may just have to work a little harder or do some elbow rubbing with the dean. Hey gotta do what you gotta do to be successful in life.
UVA’s New Highest Accomplishment: The OCC
Bartender of the week
page 5
page 12
Confessions, crushes, overheard. Yeah, it’s some pretty neat stuff.
Jessie from Baja Bean likes Mardi Gras and unicorns. Ahh, a lady after our own heart.