The Black Sheep
FR EE . Fo .. lik ur e 20 all 13 o sh f t irt ho s i se n Et VCU hio Fi pia nal !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 10 • 3/28/13 - 4/3/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_vcu
Girl Scouts:
America’s Sweatshop for Little Girls lorenzo simpson wrote this Oh they’re so adorable and innocent, those Girl Scouts. As you enter or exit the Commons during the springtime, these little darlings are waiting right outside the door to greet you with a toothy grin, the sides of their lips pulled back like they’re in a Jigsaw torture device. Then, the petite little angels plucked from heaven will ask you oh-so-nicely to patronize their organization by buying a box of their delicious Girl Scout Cookies, with a taste causing an addiction so severe that it would put white-lipped Tyrone Biggums to shame. Then their den mothers hover over you as you give your money to the children, hoping one day their efforts will earn their kids badges on their doo-doo brown sashes. Remember, it’s not a good deed if you don’t have an award saying you did it! But while you’re walking past the table, wishing today was your “cheat” day, look a little bit closer into the glossy, glitter-smeared eyes of these pre-adolescent princesses. Beneath their cheerful exteriors lie the psyches of truly damaged human beings. Girl Scouts are not about fun and yummy treats in rainbow colored boxes. The Black Sheep investigators recently uncovered this organization to be an overlooked slave-driven company worse than the NFL, NBA and MLB combined! It starts off like this: After getting home from school, girls are told by their parents that they need to find an outlet, or just a place to be for 5 hours after school so mommy and daddy can have loud, property-damaging sex. She is given a choice of either A) piano lessons with the old lady who lives in a shoe and smells like it, or B) join the Girl Scouts. When they pick the obvious choice, they are then shoved into a sticky minivan with a Den Mother like Mrs. Shannon, a single mom who goes to every school function, whose goal in life is to be Vice President/Treasurer of the PTA, and who fills Diet Coke cans with cheap red wine. The unsuspecting kids are then driven back to their school and led to the cafeteria. With a flick of a switch, the fluorescent bulbs are replaced with wooden torches, the bench tables are replaced with medieval ones equipped with built-in shackles, and the lunch lady takes out her fake breasts and squeezes her chiseled buns into an leather suit, complete with a cowskin belt and executioner’s mask. The children are strapped in the tables and forced to bake and stuff boxes with cookies, or risk being beaten or forced to watch the entire season of Guys with Kids. If they cry, they get a Barbie doll shoved into their hands, forced to cut its head off with scissors. After the product is packaged, they are given a 25 second break (for a capful of diluted Hi-C and a moldy crouton), and sent to various shopping centers and college campuses nationwide. On the car ride to the stores, they get to pick out an adorable pony.
An Open Letter to Bikers
They are then told if their troop does not meet the appropriate quota for selling cookies, the pony will have its hooves chopped off to make Jujubes. The rest will be freeze dried and diced into little bite sized pieces, which the girls will have to feed on. This is where they begin to “break.” This is where they stop being girls, and start being Girl Scouts. They will do anything and everything for a sale: fake a sob story on cue, use Illuminati mind control, even hold a family up for ransom. But you can stop these satanically skipping, barrette and Osh-kosh wearing fiends. Call 1-800-Save-A-Scout to donate money to our anti-slavery fund. Every dollar you send is used to help save an innocent girl who had her pigtails ripped off because she put too much caramel on a Samoa. Or the girl who got her temporary but-
what's inside
terfly tattoo rubbed off because she stopped smiling. You might even save the young life of Grinning Gretchen, who had to smile for so long her face got stuck in a deranged, empty smile. If we raise enough money, we could perform a mass exorcism for all of the girls put under the spell of this evil company. You rely on the amazing taste of Girl Scout cookies to enjoy a nice bake while watching Breaking Bad. These girls sacrifice their time (and 58% of their soul) to bring you awesome treats that make you the envy of every 3 hour lecture course. It won’t be easy, but with your help, we can keep girls in their homes where they belong. Girl Scout cookie baking will be left to underpaid, over-worked non-Americans, then sold in real grocery stores by underpaid, overworked non-union almost-citizens like they should be.
Inglorious bustards
Bartender of the week
Pedestrians hate cars, cars hate pedestrians, and everyone hates bikers.
Bathroom stalls: Where poetry (limericks about dicks) meets fine art (drawings of dicks).
Ben from Baja Bar thinks Anne Hathaway is a beaver, because dam.
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