The Black Sheep
FR EE . Fo .. lik ur e 20 all 13 o sh f t irt ho s i se n Et VCU hio Fi pia nal !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 10 • 3/28/13 - 4/3/13
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Girl Scouts:
America’s Sweatshop for Little Girls lorenzo simpson wrote this Oh they’re so adorable and innocent, those Girl Scouts. As you enter or exit the Commons during the springtime, these little darlings are waiting right outside the door to greet you with a toothy grin, the sides of their lips pulled back like they’re in a Jigsaw torture device. Then, the petite little angels plucked from heaven will ask you oh-so-nicely to patronize their organization by buying a box of their delicious Girl Scout Cookies, with a taste causing an addiction so severe that it would put white-lipped Tyrone Biggums to shame. Then their den mothers hover over you as you give your money to the children, hoping one day their efforts will earn their kids badges on their doo-doo brown sashes. Remember, it’s not a good deed if you don’t have an award saying you did it! But while you’re walking past the table, wishing today was your “cheat” day, look a little bit closer into the glossy, glitter-smeared eyes of these pre-adolescent princesses. Beneath their cheerful exteriors lie the psyches of truly damaged human beings. Girl Scouts are not about fun and yummy treats in rainbow colored boxes. The Black Sheep investigators recently uncovered this organization to be an overlooked slave-driven company worse than the NFL, NBA and MLB combined! It starts off like this: After getting home from school, girls are told by their parents that they need to find an outlet, or just a place to be for 5 hours after school so mommy and daddy can have loud, property-damaging sex. She is given a choice of either A) piano lessons with the old lady who lives in a shoe and smells like it, or B) join the Girl Scouts. When they pick the obvious choice, they are then shoved into a sticky minivan with a Den Mother like Mrs. Shannon, a single mom who goes to every school function, whose goal in life is to be Vice President/Treasurer of the PTA, and who fills Diet Coke cans with cheap red wine. The unsuspecting kids are then driven back to their school and led to the cafeteria. With a flick of a switch, the fluorescent bulbs are replaced with wooden torches, the bench tables are replaced with medieval ones equipped with built-in shackles, and the lunch lady takes out her fake breasts and squeezes her chiseled buns into an leather suit, complete with a cowskin belt and executioner’s mask. The children are strapped in the tables and forced to bake and stuff boxes with cookies, or risk being beaten or forced to watch the entire season of Guys with Kids. If they cry, they get a Barbie doll shoved into their hands, forced to cut its head off with scissors. After the product is packaged, they are given a 25 second break (for a capful of diluted Hi-C and a moldy crouton), and sent to various shopping centers and college campuses nationwide. On the car ride to the stores, they get to pick out an adorable pony.
An Open Letter to Bikers
They are then told if their troop does not meet the appropriate quota for selling cookies, the pony will have its hooves chopped off to make Jujubes. The rest will be freeze dried and diced into little bite sized pieces, which the girls will have to feed on. This is where they begin to “break.” This is where they stop being girls, and start being Girl Scouts. They will do anything and everything for a sale: fake a sob story on cue, use Illuminati mind control, even hold a family up for ransom. But you can stop these satanically skipping, barrette and Osh-kosh wearing fiends. Call 1-800-Save-A-Scout to donate money to our anti-slavery fund. Every dollar you send is used to help save an innocent girl who had her pigtails ripped off because she put too much caramel on a Samoa. Or the girl who got her temporary but-
what's inside
terfly tattoo rubbed off because she stopped smiling. You might even save the young life of Grinning Gretchen, who had to smile for so long her face got stuck in a deranged, empty smile. If we raise enough money, we could perform a mass exorcism for all of the girls put under the spell of this evil company. You rely on the amazing taste of Girl Scout cookies to enjoy a nice bake while watching Breaking Bad. These girls sacrifice their time (and 58% of their soul) to bring you awesome treats that make you the envy of every 3 hour lecture course. It won’t be easy, but with your help, we can keep girls in their homes where they belong. Girl Scout cookie baking will be left to underpaid, over-worked non-Americans, then sold in real grocery stores by underpaid, overworked non-union almost-citizens like they should be.
Inglorious bustards
Bartender of the week
Pedestrians hate cars, cars hate pedestrians, and everyone hates bikers.
Bathroom stalls: Where poetry (limericks about dicks) meets fine art (drawings of dicks).
Ben from Baja Bar thinks Anne Hathaway is a beaver, because dam.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 5: from the streets
What's your favorite childhood cartoon?
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page 6: Top 10: Ways to Take your Mind off of VCU's Tourney Run Let us be there for you in this time of need. Your boyfriend is a jerk, anyways. What were we talking about?
page 7: How to get Free Drinks at Bars Without Doing Sexual Favors The Black Sheep helps you avoid the customary tip (hey-o) that comes with free drinks.
Table of
page 9: Hipsterism: The Death of A Trend
The term “Hipster” has gotten out of hand and it must come to an end!
page 10: TV Shows That Need to Happen The Top Chef: Serial Killer Edition.
page 12: Game of Thrones or Porn?
It’s surprisingly hard to tell the difference between the two.
page 13: We Interview: The Black Angels Vocalist Alex Maas gives us a lengthy answer regarding psychedelic rock.
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! k e e W e h t f o c i P
word of the week Digestimation:
The ballparking of an amount of food or drink consumed in order to exaggerate or downplay the total intake.
“In Seth’s digestimation he downed 74 chicken wings, but the way Paul remembers it, Seth ate closer to 30.”
When it was all said and done, you'd think they were at a foam party.
Meet The Staff Editorial manager Gregory Alexander
pr/Marketing team Lorenzo Simpson, Rebecca Britt Jasmine Kent, Deanna Celmer Kenneth Jordan, Morgan Carey Kelsey Grupp, Meredith Frick
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campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Daniel Park, Olivia Talbott Jessica Overcash, Olivia Walthall John Borkey, Ciara Roman Lorenzo Simpson
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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An Open Letter to All Bikers Sabrina Fuller wrote this
Dear Bikers, The lot of you are going to rot in hell for that time you almost mowed us over on the sidewalk. We remember your blue bike with the black handle bars, and we remember that you weren’t wearing a helmet. Hopefully this makes it easier for you to sustain a concussion when you finally wipe out. It’s called karma, get some. Please know that wherever you go, you are hated. You can’t even obey the simplest traffic instructions. Red light? Run it. Pedestrian crossing? Pedestrians are expendable. We don’t understand how you sleep at night. Are you proud of yourself? Whenever we see you speeding through the Compass we want to throw a stick between the spokes of your bike and watch your teeth scatter across the concrete. Maybe then you’ll learn. We once saw one of you run through traffic, then bang on someone’s car telling them to watch where they were going. Really? Do you understand why people despise you yet? We have never met more selfish, self-centered people in my life. We want to slash your tires. We want to cut your brake lines. But we don’t want to be arrested. You can’t ride your bike forever. And when you’ve chained it and gone in for the night, we’ll be waiting. Baseball bat in hand, we’ll be ready to do major damage... to your bike, of course. Believe us when we say it’s only a matter of time. You people are so easy to spot, with your bike locks in your back pockets on the Campus Connector. We see the rubber combination locks hanging out of your half-opened bags. We’ve learned to hate you all on sight. Bikers are obnoxious, malicious, sadistic people.
We hope that your rides on the bumpy roads of Richmond make you uncomfortable and miserable. We hope that you develop hemorrhoids and your ride becomes even more uncomfortable. You deserve to suffer. And to the one guy who rides a bike and sometimes sings at the top of his lungs in the morning: stop. This isn’t VCU: The Musical. Stop being so sing-songy happy around the rest of us miserable walkers and pipe down. We have watched so many bikers come this close to clipping innocent bystanders. You guys weave in and out of traffic. You weave in and out of pedestrians like bats out of hell. And for what? If you’re running late to class maybe you should leave earlier next time. And if you’re just being straight-up insensitive asshole (as we suspect) you should reconsider, well, everything. Why are you like this, bike riders? Did your mothers not hug you enough as children? Did your parents not pay enough attention to you? Is this why you’re so reckless? So that people will give you attention? Do you do it for the shock value? Don’t feel obligated to answer us, just consider these questions before your next therapy sessions. We hope that this letter has made you more conscious. We really hope that you get the help that you so desperately need. But if you don’t, please know that if you hit us, we will sue. If you so much as clip us we will serve you so hard you’ll wish that you had never climbed on that Huffy you got in the second grade. Capiche? From the desk of The Black Sheep Dictated, not read
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From the Streets
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What'’s your favorite childhood cartoon? “Rugrats.” - Susan N.
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The
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Ways to Take Your Mind Off of vcu's Tourney Run
The candle that burns twice as bright only burns half as long. Such is the case with VCU, who in three years has gone from the Final Four, to the Sweet 16, to the Round of 32. We’re a pretty bright candle. Still, we have been blessed with much success, and nobody except for Michigan can take that away from us. With that in mind, here are some ways to get the bitter taste of defeat out of your mouth. 10.) Cry-sterbate: Got 15-ish minutes and an excess of tears? Put that liquid to good use and get your self-love on. It makes the pain go away, as long as you don’t chafe easily. 9.) Work out: Go do like 50 pushups and show the world you’re a man’s man or a woman’s woman, and nobody can give you shit except for Mitch McGary who is going to set an illegal screen on you in the gym and no one’s going to say shit. 8.) Study: Finals aren’t that far away and you messed up on your midterms anyways. Plus, there aren’t any pictures of Briante Weber getting clowned by Trey Burke in your textbook, so that’s a point in the favor of books. 7.) Learn a new skill: Now that you won’t be watching college basketball ever, ever again, you can take up a new hobby! Learn how to competitively stack cups, printmaking, or even learn how to rap! Expressing your pain in the form of words or geometrical shapes made of plastic cups is often therapeutic.
Inglorious Basturds Nathan Heintschel wrote this Locations of vandalized stalls have been removed from this article in hopes of preventing overzealous do-gooders from destroying priceless art. The Black Sheep believes in preserving Richmond's most cutting-edge art galleries: its bathrooms. The Black Sheep and “prestigious journalism” are synonymous terms. Therefore, it is only appropriate that we keep up our streak of hard hitting journalism by investigating the writing prowess of our peers. These peers operate independently and spread their influence through one of the most used mediums on campus, bathroom stalls. These porcelain throne philosophers drop shit in the toilet, and scrawl gold on the walls. Many have used the plastic separating their privates from the eyes of others to thump rhetoric, and many more have responded to such rhetoric. One multi-tasking log snapping philosopher suggested that we “question everything,” the response that followed was, “why?” Hopefully, the original author returned so that he/she may continue this debate. A person of faith made sure to ask his fellow Toilet Harlem Shakers, “What would Jesus do?” The subsequent response was simple and direct, “He wouldn’t vandalize the stall walls.” A man taking The Browns to the Super Bowl boldly stated, “Free all political prisoners,” and another man with the eye on the prize was quick to point out, “especially the slutty ones.” A girl stated that, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” unfortunately some shit head responded with, “you’re ugly.” Finally, a man birthing the bowl boa messed with future stall users with the message, “There’s no joke on this wall, because the joke is in your hands.” Other members of Occupy Stall have decided to stray away from rhetoric or drawing male genitalia to provide advice or alternative stall decorations.
A message on a rather dirty toilet paper rack simply read, “Don’t do cocaine on me.” Thanks, you don’t have to tell us twice! Someone responsible for baptizing a Baby Ruth urged his fellow men to stop drawing penises on the walls, then followed it up with a picture that held the caption, “chicks with big titties > dicks.” It should be noted that these writings are not just limited to inside the stall, some have risked awkward looks and janitor beatings to make sure their messages can be seen before making it to the toilet. One particular bathroom entrance carried the message, “Warning: You are now entering the Chamber of Secrets.” The risk of a basilisk attack and Moaning Myrtle’s cries were enough to entice holding it just a little longer. Another Harry Potter reference made an appearance on a bathroom entrance, which simply read, “Professor Quirrell lied, the troll is no longer in the dungeon.” During the fall 2012 semester, the first floor men’s bathroom in Temple Hall featured an addition of the word “mad” before the word men on the stall door. Unfortunately, it was heinously erased from existence halfway through the semester. Ultimately, bathroom stall writings can provide entertainment to those occupied with releasing their brown hostages. With this being the United States of America, you are entitled to your first amendment rights, however we here at The Black Sheep would like to 1.) Reinforce that you don’t vandalize, and 2.) If you must write on the walls, keep it funny and clever instead of mean, racist, or overly-detailed male genitalia. After all, no one wants to be offended when stocking the lake with brown trout. Writing on bathroom stalls is defacing public property, and illegal. We at The Black Sheep do not endorse the totally cool, and legacy-leaving crime of vandalism.
6.) Meditate: Center yourself, and abandon all of your earthly cares. Find a quiet place in your soul, and relinquish your ties to your ego, your possessions, and your hopes of an A-10 championship. We are only truly free when we accept that life has no meaning but to test us as we find our inner peace. When Shaka Smart leaves us for the PAC-12, it will simply be a reflection of the chaos in our own hearts. 5.) Write thank-you cards for every gift you’ve ever received: You’ve been putting it off and, let’s be honest, your great-aunt probably isn’t going to last to the family reunion, so at least send her a card and let her know you aren’t a total ingrate. It’s not her
fault that Magic Bullets suck. 4.) Go to class: Closely related to number 8, going to class can only help. Misery loves company. 3.) Watch the tape from the Akron game: Look at that amazing record-setting team. They’re so good. It’s a shame the tournament ended immediately after that game and none of the players or teams were ever heard from again. 2.) Make yourself cool: Buy some sunglasses, take up smoking, adopt a devil-may-care attitude. Invent slang and sneer at people when they don’t understand. Own a leather jacket. Be somebody. Somebody more interesting than you. 1.) Cheer against Duke: Well, duh.
Jackmerius Tacktheritrix wrote this
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How to get Free Drinks at Bars Without Doing Sexual Favors Jane Doe and Tyler Harvey wrote this Have you heard too many packs of whack girls brag in class about all the free drinks they scored last night, and wondered, "What the hell?!" What are they doing that you’re not, besides running around in an unsuitable, 2-sizes-too-small mini-skirt and heels that showcase their ever-swelling ass? Well, The Black Sheep is here to offer you an alternative to your self-pity, cookie dough gorging, Real Housewives mourning sesh of the lost drinks that never were. Here are five failsafe tactics for getting free drinks. The Cocktail Waitress Bar Hop: Virgin to a hot, new bar? Pop that cherry late at night. Walk up to a (preferably drunk) table of people, introduce yourself under a clever alias like Sexy Betty or Peter Poundtown, and ask them if they would like anything to drink. Since it’s late and there won’t be any cocktail waitresses on, they’ll have ordered from the bar. Ask for their tab name. BAM: Shots on that guy. Take it to the face, cherry popped, and swallow. Head to the next bar fast, because you basically just stole from a drunken bunch of strangers. The Networker: Spot the bored-out-of-his-mind but not socially inept guy in the corner of the bar. Mingle your way through his friend group and strike up a conversation about career ambitions. He’ll lay out his entrepreneurial/chef/journalism grad school ambitions and it’s FATED! You suddenly know, and are actually best friends with a real estate millionaire, a chef extraordinaire, and Matt Lauer’s son! Drunk hugs and a few (less than credible) numbers and emails are exchanged. The next one is on his tab. You excuse yourself outside to make a few calls (on his behalf) because you “really think they’re special.” On to the next bar! The Professional Hookup: Be somebody of professional wisdom and bravado. It’s amazing how easy it is to notice someone’s bad
roots/split ends under a strobe. “Girl, I know just what to do with this. I work at (insert creative salon name) in Short Pump. Come by and I will give you 50% off, because this mop is one mess that I can mold into a masterpiece.” You hand her your illustrious business card and a gracious drink from the beauty gods is on her. This approach will prove successful with any made up business, when effectively witted -- a semi-legit business card will pass like a semilegit fake ID, but a folded piece of computer paper with your name and a wiener drawn on it won’t. Don’t forget, “It’s a pleasure doing business with you.” The Mio Matcher: Of all the objects typical VCU girls keep in their purse (condoms, pepper spray, handcuffs, and Special K Protein bars), the popular drink flavor-mix Mio should be added to the mix. Order a clear drink from the bar such as a vodka-tonic. As soon as the drink is made and the bartender turns his head, shoot that Mio load into the drink and take a sip. You were given a cran-vodka. Colorblind much? Feel free to make your rage known regarding said red abomination! Demand the correct drink and sip away on a double. Pity on the Rocks: For this one, you must pick one of two. Either you get to the bar an hour early, or you pick a random chain restaurant where middle-aged stockbrokers go to drink outside the community’s public eye. Difficult? Yes, but for the drink, you better work. You sit down at the bar beside a successful-ish looking man and start crying. When he asks about the tears you tell him about all of your accomplishments/dreams and how you sort of but not really know what you want to do, even after the $50,000 worth of debt you’ve accumulated in attempting to know something. Don’t forget how bad the economy/world is right now and the fact that after all you’ve said and done, you’re considering giving up on your childhood dreams, because life is slipping through your fingers.
The next round is on the man in the suit who believes in your dreams. If you’re one free sob shot hasn’t fulfilled your optimum incoherent state, you can truly challenge yourself with the dead animal card. It’s always in your back pocket and as long as you keep the tears flowing, the drinks will follow. When you’ve achieved your optimism quota from the suited man and he’s requested two waters, your phone rings. You answer to find out that your cat died of stage four leukemia. Another martini, just as dirty as your morals, will be headed your way. So, even if your wallet is tight and your morals are strong (well, some morals), there’s no reason you can’t get a few drinks off of some unsuspecting schlubs. You may have to manipulate people emotionally, commit drink fraud, or even make a lonely guy feel like he’s way more awesome than he actually is, but it’s all in service of getting drunk on a small budget -- the noblest of causes. It’s a tough economy, and we all have to do what we can to make it through the day.
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hipsterism: the death of a trend tbs staff wrote this It’s time that we laid the term “hipster” to rest. Its uses have stretched so far and so wide that it has lost all meaning. It started as a fashion trend, a hybrid of grunge and skate, but has now branched off into a scene of its own. From clothing to music, from drinking pleasures to smoking habits, the hipster movement has grown into a behemoth so large that it has become the new mainstream. It is another passing trend and nothing more. Once again, a generation’s struggle for nonconformity has conformed them all. Such are the tides of popular culture. With each rising wave that crashes upon the shore, new sea treasures are surfaced and scattered across the sands. A new craze begins, the tides recede, and more salty treasures are brought from the stream to the sea. It all started with a man sporting his hot new Wayfarer Ray Bans, a freshly trimmed mustache, and a hand-selected outfit from his local resale shop. On his side was a woman with a matching pair of shades, modeling a flowing grandma dress, rouge lips, and combat boots. They strutted out of the liquor store and onto the street hand in hand while sucking on buds and carrying a 30 pack of PBR. As they passed by, the people scoffed and stared, but secretly dug their musty, retro vibe. And so, millions of teens across the U.S. of A. started asking their mothers and fathers for hand-me-down wears, and the old vinyls that were kept in the attic. The fashion and music of the 80s and 90s were resurrected from their dingy and glittery tombs. As the record spun, the sounds of Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself” traveled through the headphones, and the pseudo-nonconformists of the past were born anew. Celebrity culture caught wind of revival, the disease spread, and the inflicted were given a name—hipsters. It’s funny to look back on all the trends of past decades and compare them to the qualities commonly identified with the hipster. With a vintage swag, a grunge attitude, and a “white trash” partiality to beer, the hipster is a conglomeration of multiple trends and styles. The name itself means a person who is “hip” with the latest trends and fashions. It is a word that encapsulates the quintessence of “being in the know,” which would seem paradoxical to the stereotypical attitudes carried by the scene’s followers. To its credit, the hipster movement, or hipsterism, has sprouted new mom and pop coffee shops across the nation and has been the saving grace for the starving musician. Thrift stores have enjoyed
the increase in business, and the charities which many non-profit resale shops help fund are extremely thankful. What began as a fashion trend has evolved into a persona and a lifestyle, both of which have been brought under much scrutiny due to their vaguely leftist doctrine and the pontificating ways in which those associated with the movement conduct themselves. Hipster has been associated with many negative connotations, some of which are justified. Anyone who makes a condescending remark about your preference for non-free trade coffee is so bigheaded that it makes their fedora look more like a yarmulke. But an asshole, whether it’s a jock, nerd, or a hipster, is still just an asshole. We mustn't let stereotypes guide our judgment. We all have at least a few “hipsteresque” qualities that cyclically come with being a part of a generation. Everyone holds their taste in music, fashion, and art to be the best that had ever been, but it is not what sets us apart from the rest. So knock it off with the elitist talk, and quit whining about your shallow, pointless grievances with the preferences of others. To quote Bomb the Music Industry: “the shit that you hate don’t make you special.” Just as the trends before it, the hipsters must come to an end. There were the greasers of the 50s, the hippies of the 60s, the disco jocks of the 70s, the new wavers of the 80s, and the grungers of the 90s. The hipsters’ days are numbered, and soon they too, like all the others, will melt under the beam of the limelight and join those before them behind the curtain.
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TV Shows That Need to Happen: Top Chef: Serial Killer Edition tbs staff wrote this Ever since the premiere of Survivor back in the year 2000, America has been obsessed with reality television. Within that genre, the competition subcategory has done particularly well. Shows like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and Project Runway have given talented individuals the chance to skyrocket to fame and fortune by simply getting a camera shoved in their face. But let's be honest, we're all getting a little bit bored with that. It's been 13 long years of the same old shit time after time. We need to spice things up. This is where Top Chef: Serial Killer Edition comes into play. We've all seen a reality cooking competition. Usually the best part about it is salivating over the palatably photogenic masterpiece possible only on TV. Well what if the best part became watching people risk their lives? Take Hell’s Kitchen sans delicious food in a battle royale-style gauntlet. The format goes like this: get ten professional cooks to compete on the show under the false pretense of competing for the chance to open up their own restaurant. Little do they know that one of the ten contestants is actually a bloodthirsty serial killer. Sounds great already, right? Well it gets better. The chefs arrive at a new, state-of-the-art kitchen with the best (and sharpest) cooking supplies known to man. We prepare them for a standard, timed cooking contest in which they're supposed to show off their skills. Just as that competition is about to start, the lights go out. As they're
stranded in the dark with nothing to defend themselves but their spatulas and assorted cutlery, the serial killer is unleashed. One by one, she murders off each of the contestants until only one remains. The audience watches through a special night vision lens, authentically capturing the fear of culinary artists thrown in a struggle for survival. Will they put their cleaverchopping skills to the gladiatorial test? Or will they cower in the face of danger? This is television at its finest. If the danger of a Hell’s Kitchen: Hunger Games (pun intentional) does not impress, then the world can at least ponder the gritty reactions of threatened human beings and revel in the whodunnit suspense when the lights come back on. Once the final contestant is facing the serial killer it becomes a showdown. Either the anxious chef kills the maniac or the maniac takes the victory. The victor collects the life insurance payout from each of the dead contestants. How is this possibly legal? We've forced each contestant to sign a conveniently dense 100-page contract with mostly nonsense information before the show, but it essentially signs over their entire life as well as any pets or children. If the novice chef defeats the serial killer, he or she will move on to the next show as the new serial killer. Like some horror movie plot twist, the trauma is sure to render them mentally unstable enough to doom others to a similar fate.
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experience for every viewer. We'll laugh as the cooks wander helplessly in the dark; we'll cry as one chef gets down on his hands and knees and begs to cook another day; we'll swoon as two chefs band together as a team to defeat the serial killer, and we'll share a moment of silence as those two chefs die shortly after for foolishly drawing attention to their team effort. Television may be a field that is always changing, sometimes Campus Luxurious Off we Campus for better but often forLuxurious worse. With Off this show will restore faith in humanity and faith inStudent a chef whoHousing! is fit Housing! not only for the Student nkitchen, e t n s but t also s for the chopping block.
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AOff PLACE ACampus PLACECampus Luxurious Off Luxurious PREPARED PREPARED Student Housing! Student Housing! FOR YOU! FOR YOU!
Luxurious Off Campus Student Housing!
A PLACE A PLACE
Carriage House Apartments is located on the of the Carriage House Apartments is located onedge the edge ofVCU the Campus VCU Campus PREPARED PREPARED on WestonMarshall Street behind the West Center. West Marshall Street behind theBroad West Street Broad Arts Street Arts Center. SeveralSeveral floor plans available, some assome largeasaslarge 1680assq. ft. sq. ft. floorare plans are available, 1680 Many units decks or frontorporches. Manyhave unitslarge haveoutdoor large outdoor decks front porches. Other amenities and features include:include: Other amenities and features
A PLACE PREPARED FOR YOU!
FOR YOU! FOR YOU!
• Quick•walking distancedistance the VCU campus Quick walking to the VCU campus Carriage House Apartments is located onedge the edge theCampus VCU Campus Carriage House Apartments istolocated on the of theofVCU • Individual lease agreements • Individual lease agreements on West Marshall Street behind the West Broad Street Arts Center. on West Marshall Street behind the West Broad Street Arts Center. • 4 BR/2•bath and 4BR/4 apartments available 4Apartments BR/2 bath andbath 4BR/4 bath apartments available Carriage House is located on the edge of the VCU Campus Best Student Housing in Town! Several floor plans are available, large as floor plans are some assome large 1680Arts sq.1680 ft. sq. ft. •Several FREE on high speed internet inavailable, each bedroom West Marshall Street behind the West BroadasStreet Center. • FREE high speed internet in each bedroom Many units have large outdoor decks Many units have large outdoor decks or front porches. floor plans are available, some as large asfront 1680 porches. sq. ft. • FREE water, sanitation and sewage • Several FREE water, sanitation and sewage Walking Distance to VCU or Campus
Other amenities and features include: Other amenities and features include: units have large outdoor decks or front porches. • FREE electricity • FREEMany electricity Other amenities and features include: • FREE basic cable • FREE basic cable • Quick distance walking distance to the VCU campus • Quick walking to the VCU campus • Fenced and gated •• Fenced andcommunity gated community walking distance to the VCU campus •Quick Individual lease agreements • Individual lease agreements • Fully furnished throughout: bedrooms, dining room living room •• Fully furnished throughout: bedrooms, diningand room and living room lease agreements •Individual 4 BR/2 bath and 4BR/4 bath apartments ••4Full BR/2 bath and 4BR/4 bath apartments availableavailable appliance package includes washer, dryer, microwave, Full appliance package includes washer, dryer, microwave, •• 4 BR/2 bath and 4BR/4 bath apartments available •refrigerator, FREE highinternet speed internet in each bedroom • FREE high speed in each bedroom refrigerator, range and disposal range and disposal • FREE high speed internet in each bedroom FREEsanitation water, and sewage ••FREE water, andsite, sewage Limited parking on site,sanitation covered surface spaces available ••Limited parking on covered surface spaces available • FREE water, sanitation and sewage One-quarter outdoor recreation area with grass, FREEacre electricity ••One-quarter acre outdoor recreation area with grass, ••FREE electricity • FREE electricity volleyball court and community grills grills volleyball court and community FREE basic cable • FREE basic cable ••FREE basic cable Maintenance on call 24 hours ••Maintenance on call 24 hours Fenced and gated community ••Fenced and gated community • Fenced and gated community • Call box entry, camerascameras • Call boxsurveillance entry, surveillance Fullyfurnished furnished throughout: bedrooms, dining and living room • Fully furnished throughout: bedrooms, dining room androom living room ••Fully throughout: bedrooms, dining room and living room Fullappliance appliance package includes washer, dryer, microwave, • Full appliance package includes washer, dryer, microwave, ••Full package includes washer, dryer, microwave, refrigerator, range andand disposal refrigerator, range disposal refrigerator, range and disposal ••Limited parking oncovered site,site, covered surface spaces available Limited parking on covered surface spaces available • •Limited on site, surface available On the edge the VCU Academic Campusspaces • parking On theofedge of the VCU Academic Campus ••One-quarter acre outdoor recreation area with grass, One-quarter acre outdoor recreation area with grass, • •One-quarter acreshuttle outdoor recreation area with grass, The VCU shuttle bus connecting VCU to the MCV campus stops right • volleyball The VCU bus connecting VCU to the MCV campus stops right court andand community grills grills volleyball court community volleyball court and community grills outside outside the Carriage House Apartments locationlocation the Carriage House Apartments • Maintenance on call 24 hours call 24 hours • •Maintenance call 24onSiegal hours A few••blocks from VCU’s Center, VCU’s School the Arts, AMaintenance fewon blocks from VCU’s Siegal Center, VCU’s of School of the Arts, • Call box entry, surveillance cameras VCU’s parking deck and the VCU bookstore and cafeand cafe parking deck and the VCUcameras bookstore • VCU’s Call box entry, surveillance • Call box entry, surveillance cameras • Public•transportation one block onaway Weston Broad Public transportation oneaway block WestStreet Broad Street • Walking distancedistance to mostto academic buildings and many • Walking most academic buildings andrestaurants many restaurants and grocery stores stores and grocery • On the edge of the VCU Academic Campus • Campus SecuritySecurity and escort include include the Carriage House House • Campus and services escort services the Carriage OnVCU the edge of the VCU Academic Campus • On the edge ofshuttle thelocation VCU Academic Campus ••The bus connecting VCU to the MCV campus stops right Apartments location Apartments outside the Carriage House Apartments location • The VCUbus shuttle bus connecting VCU to the MCV stops campus stops right • The VCU shuttle connecting VCU to the MCV campus right • Athe fewCarriage blocks VCU’s Siegal Center, VCU’s School of the Arts, outside thefrom Carriage House Apartments location outside House Apartments location parking deck and the VCU bookstore and cafe •VCU’s A few blocks from VCU’s Siegal Center, VCU’s of the Arts, • A few blocks from VCU’s Siegal Center, VCU’s School ofSchool the Arts, •parking Public awaybookstore onand West Broad 728 West St Marshall 728Marshall WestWest Marshall St St. VCU’stransportation parking andblock the VCU andStreet cafe VCU’s deck anddeck theone VCU bookstore cafe 728 • Walking distance to most academic buildings and many restaurants 804.343.0007 804.343.0007 Richmond, VA 23220 Richmond, VA 23220 Richmond, 23220 • Public transportation one block West Broad Street •VA Public transportation one block away on away West on Broad Street and grocery stores fax.804.343.1599 fax.804.343.1599 fax: 804.343.1599 www.carriageapts.com a distance p tamost mr academic sn many www.carriageapts.com aa pracademic tebuildings mn et buildings t sand www.carriageapts.com • Walking to many restaurants • Walking distance to most and restaurants • Campus Security and escort services include the Carriage House and grocery stores and grocery storeslocation Apartments
NOW LEASING! UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT! Free Utilities - Free Cable Free High Speed Internet Washer/Dryer in Every Apartment Neighborhood Include: GarageAmenities Parking Available Neighborhood Amenities Include: 24-hour Maintenance VCU Shuttle Bus Stop Professional Management
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week ben baja bean co. How long have you been bartending: 2 years
would it be: Anne Hathaway
Favorite drink recipe: Jameson on the rocks.
Favorite bad pick up line: Are you a beaver? Because dam.
Favorite type of beer: IPS’s Have you invented any recipes: Jack Daniels, Amaretto, butterscotch schnapps “I dare you” recipe: Brick Shit Stack (bourbon, milk) Favorite movie: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Life motto: Life will kill ya’. Guilty pleasure: 80s music Ever met anyone famous: Antonin Scalia of the Supreme Court. If you could hook up with a celebrity who
the drinking game:
Spring Break vacation pictures All right, so the vacation of a lifetime is over and you’ve probably have a couple SD cards full of drunk babes on the beach, Broseph Stalin on the back patio roof drinking a forty, and the time you got so drunk you got your ears pierced and then had no recollection of said memory. If they haven’t been posted to Facebook yet, you should probably get on that right away because you can’t play this game if you don’t. What you’ll need: Lots of beer, hard liquor to take shots with, a laptop with access to internet and a Facebook account, Facebook friends who went on spring break How to play: First, make sure every person involved in the game has a beer. Next, go through the pictures one at a time. Every time you see the following, take the alcohol that correlates with it. Take a drink of beer for every picture: - At the beach - At the hotel - At a club - On the road - In someone’s butt
Take a shot for every picture: - On the beach with girls in bikinis - In the club dancing/grinding - Of someone on the roof - Of someone getting a tattoo or piercing they’ll regret - Of someone clearly about to get in serious shit - Of someone clearly on drugs - Of someone passed out - Of someone at the hospital
The Game Ends When: All the pictures have been viewed, you’re done, and definitely don’t have a boner. Chances are you’re going to make it to 13 and feel like a winner.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Favorite food: Pho What else do you do when your not working: Stand-up comedy Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: People touching each other sexually under the table. Biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: People who don’t tip. Best way to get your attention on a crowded night: Throw a $100 bill at me. Craziest thing you’ve seen someone do for a free drink: “I’ll drink whatever you make me.”
recipe for disaster: Cheesy Tots
Tater tots are like French fries’ fatter younger brother, man. But man, how did they get so fat when French fries are the ones covered in cheese, right man? Let’s try to remedy that situation and put the world back in the right place, man. What You’ll Need: A bag of frozen tater tots, a sleeve of Kraft singles, and a few extra places to pack the pounds. Cook Time: 30 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll look like you’re carrying a tot in the ole’ belly. Let’s Get Baked: - Pre-heat the oven to 450 degrees - Place the frozen tater tots on a baking sheet. If a baking sheet is not available, then you have bigger problems, mister. - Once the oven is properly heated, place the tater tots in the oven for 20 minutes. - After 20 minutes remove the baking sheet from the oven, Place the Kraft singles on the tater tots. - Put the tater tots back in the oven for five minutes. - After the cheese is melted, enjoy. Ah, a starchy nothingness totally void of nutritional value. The communication major of food.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
y Welcome to z
find the answers at theblacksheep onilne.com/got
Game of
hrones
People complain
1 or 2
porn?
internet porn is re-wiring our generation's brain to not care about the story, but Game of Thrones is like, 60% story! And the other 40%, well, the other 40% gives us an excuse to watch two ladies goin’ at it on the big screen in the living room like the good lord intended. Can you recall which of these scenes is from GoT and which is from a porn you won't admit to having watched?
1) Shot from a voyeur’s perspective, a naked woman is
2) A man lays injured in his bed, when an attractive woman
3)
4) It’s a stormy night. A voluptuous redhead in a robe walks
5) A man is put in an awkward situation when his best friend’s
6) In a dark dungeon a woman confronts a man who is tied
thrusting reverse-cowboy on top of a man. The camera then zooms out to reveal the voyeur isn’t the viewer, but a man receiving oral from a shirtless woman while spying on the two people having sex.
The scene opens to a shirtless brunette girl in a seethrough dress straddling the lap of another woman. She asks the other woman if she has ever kissed another girl, to which she says no, it had never crossed her mind. The girl then strips off her see-through dress and begins taking the other girl’s clothes off. They kiss, get naked, and kiss some more.
sister enters his room. He’s not sure what to say, so he compliments her dress. She says she likes it too, but like it better “this way,” and proceeds to take her top off. He is awestruck, and fumbles around for his words as she reaches down his pants and kisses him all naked-like. When he’s too nervous to get it up, she asks if he’d like her brother to join in the fun.
7) In a steaming hot tub, a skinny shirtless brunette strad-
walks in to nurse his wounds. She inspects his body starting with his head, looking for any abrasions or swelling. She comes across some major swelling at his waist. She pulls down the sheets to reveal the source of the swelling, and decides the best way to alleviate the swelling is immediately, with her mouth.
into a war room, demanding to talk to the general alone. She starts with innocent conversation, but quickly moves to rubbing his loins. At first he denies her, saying he has a wife who he loves, but she eventually wins him over after dropping her robe to the ground. He proceeds to lay her out over the war table, knocking all the pieces off as he pounds away.
up to a post. The man is blindfolded and seems to have been down there for a while, but the woman shows no mercy and whips his bare chest. Though at first she seems to be his enemy, things quickly turn around as she begins rubbing her ass into his lap.
8) A man walks into his room to the surprise of two naked
dles the lap of a man with long blonde hair. The two are merely chatting about historical events, surely just sharing a tub. But soon the subject matter of the man’s conversation alone begins to make the girl climax, and the two engage in steamy hot tub sex.
women waiting for him. They say they’ll do anything he demands of them. He decides to tell them to start on each other, and sits back to watch the two girls perform oral on each other. Soon he decides to heat things up by having one girl spank the other. As he gets more excited, he tells one to use a belt on her while he watches, telling them to hit harder. Finally, he picks up a thick black post and watches as they scream (in pleasure?)
9) A well-dressed man sits in his fancy office awaiting word from one of his workers. In walks
10) Looking through a peephole, the camera shows many women running around naked, and
a blonde woman in a skimpy dress to “alert him of some pressing news.” He doesn’t care too much about the news though, especially after she props herself on top of his table and straddles him with her legs. Despite the impending news from his attendants, the two engage in a long, sexual adventure.
11)
A midget stands tall while receiving an intense blow job from a large-breasted redhead. Just before he finishes the two move over to the bed to take things up a notch, but they’re quickly interrupted when the midget’s brother busts into the room. The brother doesn’t seem to mind what he is witnessing, and proceeds to invite three more shirtless women to climb into the midget’s bed.
13)
Open scene to a room full of naked women. Two in the corner are boisterously going at it. A man wanders in, but instead of joining in, starts to direct them on what to do to each other, and how to do it. As he speaks to them, the two women twist into several different positions before climaxing.
15)
In the hull of a pirate ship, a maiden is at the mercy of her capturer(s). She insists she is uncertain of where her rich father’s treasures are, but offers to provide booty of a different kind. The men inquire as to what kind of booty she is talking about, and the woman says “a treasure her father values greater than all of his gold,” and drops her dress to the floor.
innocently undressing. Soon, however, the man looking through the peephole is caught by a naked woman when she lays her hand on his shoulder. Instead of scolding him, though, she pushes him to the ground and proceeds to have sex with him.
12)
A boy is visiting his friend when his friend’s mom walks in. She tells him his friend will be just a moment, and asks if he’d like anything while he waits. Before he responds, his friend’s mom is sitting very close to him on the couch with her arm gently resting on his lap. He nervously asks for something to drink, to which she takes her shirt off and starts undoing his pants.
14) Upon entering his chambers, a man finds the woman who was supposed to be watching over his children bare naked in his bed. He asks what’s going on, stating a person of her stature has no business being in his bed, let alone naked. She asserts that he not worry about paying her, Her supple beauty entrances him, however, and the two engage in… all sorts of sexual deeds.
16)
It’s a dark night in a candle-lit room. A giant man with bulging muscles lies in bed awaiting a small, pale skinned blonde. Just as he’s about to have his way with her, pushing her face into the pillows, she pushes him back into the bed and gets on top, dominating him for the rest of the scene.
one very long answer from
Alex Maas, Vocalist for The Black Angels This past week The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to sit down with Alex Maas, vocalist for Austin-based psych rock group The Black Angels. Normally we have a nice back-andforth conversation in which we ask questions and get answers. Sure, that happened, but the first question we asked Alex turned into a sprawling six-minute epic that deserves to stand on its own. Their new album, Indigo Meadow hits the world on April 2nd, followed by a national tour. If you like this answer, you’ll like them. Give ‘em a whirl. The Black Sheep: Psychedelic rock is a very specific subgenre. What attracted you to it in the first place? What led you to it? Alex Maas: I mean it was basically the music we were the most drawn to. The music we were most interested in came from the late-60s era, and obviously people have hinted at that sound ever since that era came to a close. The [13th Floor] Elevators kind of claimed to coin the term “psychedelic rock n’ roll,” they were the first to put those two things together. But psychedelic music has been around since the dawn of time, right? Think about a tribe of people in the forest, and shamans taking them on a journey, a story about many generations—educational stories that their fathers had learnt over the years. That’s it, the first spiritual story that you’re telling someone through music. That concept—the storytelling concept—is intriguing in itself, whether you put “psychedelic” on it or not really isn’t the point. The idea that people refer to it—the psychedelic scene—as psychedelic, to me it’s less about the music and more about how the music makes you feel. It’s the sonic alchemist approach that we’re doing, where we’re trying to make the guitar sound like something else. Like, “What is that? Is that a guitar, or is that a helicopter?” That’s really interesting to me. You can talk about this being experimental music, or whatever, but to me the root of it is rock n’ roll. It’s not bar rock. There’s a difference, you know, between that white bar rock kind of thing and psychedelic rock. One of the main differences is, the feeling musicians have on stage, and the listener gets when listening to the music, so it’s always been about the music being a spiritual thing for us. It’s a sonic journey we take someone on. If it’s a different night we’ll take you on the same journey, but in a slightly different way.
entertainment-y things to
The reason I think I’m drawn to it, basically, is I think it has a little more soul to it. That’s why I keep referencing indigenous tribes, both currently and in the past. They are telling stories with the music, that’s why I play the music. If [I’m seeing] any band is playing music, I like to think where I am in that scenario, where the music takes me, whether it’s the Balkan Mountains in the 1930s, or wherever.
For me, psychedelic music has this visual thing that happens, and it’s more a spiritual experience than anything. That’s not to say other music can’t be psychedelic, it can—delta blues can be psychedelic, that 1920s or 30s style blues, that twangy, swampy guitar sounds like a bumblebee coming. That can be psychedelic. It can be soulful and moving. It’s coming from this soulful spot. The music makes us feel, and that’s why we’re drawn to it. And at the end of the day the goal is to translate this visceral experience through sound.
the big three
Game of Thrones: Season 3 Premiere Sunday, March 31st at 9pm on HBO Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Need to know anything else?
keep your eye out for.
Rilo Kiley Rkives out april 2
Cold War kids Dear miss lonelyhearts out april 2
These indie rock cutie-pies led by all-around perfect Jenny Lewis broke up back in 2011, as the nation sighed an exasperated sigh. If these kids couldn't make it, who could? Luckily for us, their latest release, Rkives, is a compilation album of previously released rarities and unreleased material, and we'll take anything we can get. Check out "Let Me Back In" and sigh at how cute the music video is. Ah, love springs eternal!
Arguably, Cold War Kids peaked early with their phenomenal 2006 debut album Robbers & Cowards, but have since steadily declined in the quality and originality of their music. But we like to see the glass half-full around here, and keep holding onto hope that they'll surprise with some more awesome tunes. Youtube has a few album teasers, and they sound pretty good to us.
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get in our maze
the crossword: super mario world Across 1) Five Yoshi coins gets you a free this 3) BFF Dinosaur 5) The Forest of _____ 7) It’s-a me! 9) The flavor of the 3rd world 10) Dumb jocks 13) Lakitu flies on this and throws shit at you 15) The Princess of this fruit
16) To get to the Special World, you have to beat this world 17) Blargg will be found creeping in this hot, red mess 18) A caterpillar that’s yellow, until it gets mad Down 1) Brother from another plumber 2) Great Demon King Koopa 4) If you look at these guys, they won’t bother you 6) Bowsers minions 7) These are indestructible species of Piranha plants 8) Yellow and purple arch rival of Mario 10) The flavor of the world before Valley of Bowser 11) Getting a feather will give you this 12) This world has levels called “Tubular” and “Groovy” 14) Pokey is the guardian of this type of terrain
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the madlib: April Fools’ day Dude, __1__ just left and I’ve been planning an April Fools’ Day prank that’ll have him shitting in his pants. It’ll be even better than last year, when we convinced him it would be a good idea to __2__ his __3__ to his __4__.
of __12__, but we’ll tell him he’s really eating __13__, which will totally freak him out. After, we’ll take him outside. When he starts getting handsy with strangers we’ll warn him that people are actually __14__, so he shouldn’t touch them. Finally, we’ll lead him to the roof of __15__, where the Okay, are you ready to hear this mind- plan comes to fruition. bending flash of genius? Here’s what we’re going to do: We’re going to make __5__ Once we’re on the roof we’ll let him know kill himself. I’ve been saving these __6__ we’re actually __16__ from __17__, and he’s hits of __7__ I picked up at the __8__ con- destined to save our planet from certain cert I attended last summer just for this oc- destruction. We’ll let him know the only casion. way he’ll be able to save us is by catching a __18__ __19__ that’s supposed to Here’s how we’re going to do it: First, we appear any minute. Just then, we’ll throw need to convince him that he’s actually a an inflatable water toy off the roof, scream 12-foot tall __9__ named __10__. Trust me, “It’s a __20__!” and see him plummet to __11__’s weird, so convincing him won’t be his death. too hard. Once he really starts to feel it, let the games begin. We’ll feed him a bunch It’s going to be so hilarious, man.
The
Classic
1) Name of a man 2) Verb 3) Body part 4) Different body part 5) Same name as 1 6) Number 7) Drug 8) Band or musician 9) Animal 10) Weird name 11) Same name as 1
12) Food 13) Gross item 14) Futuristic thing 15) Campus building 16) Mythical creature (plural) 17) Imaginary land 18) Color 19) Mythical creature 20) Same as 19
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