The Black Sheep
FR EE wh ... l o ike see di yo rty u re lo o ad ks in fro g th m b is pa iker per s .
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Volume 4, Issue 11 • 4/4/13 - 4/10/13
rampage: the gold standard of rva Lorenzo Simpson wrote this
The Black Sheep is tired of the crime in Richmond, and we know that you’re fed up as well. With robbery, assault, and 9 a.m. classes, phones have been vibrating so much due to the VCU Alert system, the campus sounds like a breeding ground for Africanized bees. So do we do something about it? Press the police to beef up their efforts? Write a letter to Mayor Marsh? Enforce the buddy system? Nah, let’s just make up a fictional character that will solve all of our problems for us. The people of Richmond need a hero. Someone they can look up to. Someone they can depend on. Someone they can stop on the street and scream out to, “Hey! You’re that guy! Take a picture with me!?” while drunk. Introducing the Heavily Horned Hero, the Gilded Champion, the Gold and Black Avenger, RAMPAGE! Enter Atticus Smith, a Graphic Design student at VCU’s School of the Arts. He currently lives with his 6 roommates in downtown Richmond. During the first 8 years of his life, he was a self-centered jerk, always throwing fits if things didn’t go his way, and relying on his parents to feed him and give him money for field trips. But that all changed on one fateful day full of fateful fate. On his 9th birthday, his parents took him to The National to go see Limp Bizkit. Young Atticus couldn’t understand why Fred Durst was dressed kind of like a rapper, but performed music that was kind of like heavy metal. Needless to say, he was not rollin’ with it, and asked his parents if they could leave early. As his family exited The National, they were approached by a religious leader, asking them to convert to Pastafarianism, the tastiest religion there is. Atticus and his family fled in fear through the streets. Well, his parents ran through the streets, he just ran on the sidewalk like a normal person. Right when they thought they were in a safe place, Atticus watched in horror as his parents got leveled by a Campus Connector bus that actually decided to show up on time. And just like that, he was alone. He devoted the rest of his life to fighting for justice, because that’s what you do when your parents die when you’re young. Upon getting to college, Atticus decided to major in graphic design. The obvious thing to do for a justice-loving fellow would have been to go to law school, but he “wanted to do justice to the world of art.” One day, on a solo trip to the VMFA, he caught some drug dealers trying to steal presidential paintings to draw handlebar moustaches on them. He furiously chased the three men into the Egyptian art exhibit. They stopped running when they realized that there were three of them, and they were extremely muscular. They beat him mercilessly, making sure to crack each of his ribs and give him the most mortifying atomic wedgie ever.
Senior Unaware He Has No Marketable Skills
They threw him up against a golden ram statue, which split open to reveal a black necklace with an ankh attached to it. Contact with the black bling endowed Atticus with a set of indestructible golden ram horns, along with healing powers, super strength, heightened agility and an ability to control gold with his mind (which he later calls the Trinidad James Effect). Sadly, he was not able to demonstrate these amazing powers on the drug dealers, as they were long gone before he regained consciousness. Luckily, there is a lot of crime in Richmond, and he was able to put the smackdown on the candy asses of several criminals that night. When he
what'’s inside
I Got 99 Problems, but a Diploma Ain’t One
got back to his apartment, he immediately designed a costume, scoured Craigslist and VCU’s engineering department for supplies and gadgets, wakeboarded the Web for ram puns, and lo, RAMPAGE (always all caps) was born! Now the gilded good guy runs all over Richmond, saving lives and headbutting the crap out of wrongdoers. You’ll see him for a split second before he disappears in a puff of gold dust. Watch out evil. Justice is going on a RAMPAGE.
Top 10 Celebrities That Should Endorse VCU
Blissfully Ignorant to Thousands in Student Loans; Possibly Has Chlamydia
“Son, do you know what this letter is for? You needed a major GPA of 2.5 but got a 2.4.”
Now with more Leonardo DiCaprio burns!
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6: Why Do Strangers Keep Handing Us Stuff?
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Also, why do they keep writing funny things in the table of contents? How does that help me know what’s in the article?
page 7: from the streets
what flavor of vodka would you like to see invented?
page 9: Jesus Sees His Shadow 600 more years of damnation ahead!
pages 10-11: We’re All Going to Die!!!
Table of
According to all the apocalyptic movies coming out this summer, that is.
page 12: bartender of the week
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page 13: Farting Etiquette
Because you wouldn’t want to cut the cheese with the wrong knife.
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page three Dear world, For many of you, last week may have been your first time reading The Black Sheep. Hi. We’re satire. We try to be funny. Last week we missed the mark with our “Open Letter to Bicyclists” article. It was meant to be humorous in the same way the cover article, “Girl Scouts: America’s Sweatshop for Little Girls,” didn’t truly imply that the mothers who run Girl Scouts are actually a sadistic cult. We understand the article may have fell short and not come across as purely satirical; sometimes jokes can go too far or be misconstrued as truth, when the intent is nothing more than an attempt at humor. In no way would we actually support violence or recklessness towards bikers, walkers, writers (both good and bad, real journalists and fake), pilots, dogs, or people who are a little too audible in public bathrooms. We apologize if that’s the impression we gave to our readers. Many of our staffers ride bikes, and we would never wish harm upon them. We value our relationship with the VCU community and we hope this ordeal, as any good argument in a worthwhile relationship does, will in time strengthen that bond. If you have any questions, comments, or feedback, please contact me at Quinn@theblacksheeponline.com Thanks, Quinn Myers. Campus Director
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Cattle Hero Terry last week’s answers
Dawn Olivieri & Joe Manganiello
word of the week Illuminaughty:
A secret society that exists on hundreds of college campuses, they aim to prevent loser freshmen from ever getting laid. “‘If it wasn’t for the Illuminaughty I totally would have slept with a bunch of skanks by now,’ the delusional freshman muttered in disgust.”
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senior unaware he has no marketable skills
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tbs staff wrote this “I’m thinking I might as well put a down payment on a house now. Why wait? I can put it on my mom’s credit card, and I’ll make enough money in like five months to pay it off completely. Can you imagine how embarrassing it’d be if the fellas at Microsoft found out the new guy was living in some tiny-ass luxury apartment?” senior Chris Gerblanski laughed and shook his head. “No way. ‘Have the house for the job you want,’ that’s what Trump said. Or what he would say, if he was as smart of a business guy as I am.” Chris, like so many graduating seniors, hasn’t begun to accept the reality that he doesn’t offer anything any employer would ever want. “I saw my ex Becky waiting tables at Cary St. the other day. Hahaha, what a stupid bitch! Can’t she see how degrading that is?” Becky graduated at the top of her class with a degree in speech pathology, makes roughly $30 an hour, and spends almost all of her free time sending in applications and resumes. “All the big Fortune 300 guys are gonna look at her and think ‘here’s some chick who just wants to make an easy buck and doesn’t follow her dreams.’ And then they’ll look at my resume and be all like ‘now here’s a guy who doesn’t settle for no bullshit.’” Chris proudly mentioned he’d never had a job, because he’s saving himself for “the one.” “Read the Bible, man, that’s how God wants it to be.” While he added “businessy” clip-art to all the blank space on his MS Word resume, Chris told us about his qualifications and life achievements. “Look at all this, man. Work experience: None. I got a full tank of gas, baby, unlike all these other overworked burnouts. “Philanthropy: I’m always down to give food to the hobos, as long as it’s after 2 on a Saturday and I’m not too hung over and nothing cool is going on. Oh, and I made that red equals sign my profile picture, and I always almost give a dollar to the diabetes-for-kids thing at the 7-Eleven checkout.”
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“Other skills: I’m funny as shit. The other day I saw this fatty, and I was like ‘hey, fatty!’ and she looked over and I pretended I was eating a big thing of ice cream. I’m totally down to be the office Jim. And my brain is like a steel trap, man, I remember everything I learned in school. All that stuff about inventory, factories, selling stuff, and uhhhh...ahhh, what’s the other thing... oh yeah, accountanting! If there’s a problem and they come to me all like ‘Chris, we need to know how many race cars to buy,’ I’ll be like ‘we need enough supply to meet the demand.’ Boom, that’s business.” Unfortunately, Chris is completely unaware that he’s missing 15 credit hours and still has to retake four classes before he can graduate. But instead of working on his final projects, he’s been spending his time researching ways to avoid random drug tests. “I’m pretty sure I can just pee through some cotton balls. It might not work for everybody, but I smoke so much fine sticky-ass dope-ass chronic weed that the pot molecules are definitely big enough to get stuck in them.”
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I Got 99 Problems, But A Diploma Ain’t One Nathan Heintschel wrote this Here at The Black Sheep we recognize that the world is a realm filled with possibilities. In turn, we realize that there is a chance when you register for classes next semester, your favorite hiphop celebrities could be the professors teaching your business classes. Do you think this article is too farfetched? Realize that, even with a crippling codeine addiction and a proclivity for hella weed, Lil’ Wayne’s still alive. Pretty farfetched, too. In this “farfetched” world, Dr. Rick Ross’s unorthodox teaching methods will provide students with a new way to succeed in their business ventures. “Hustlin 203” will teach students that to succeed in business, one must satisfy their customers. On the first day of class Professor Ross will note, “I cut ‘em wide, I cut ‘em long, I cut ‘em fat, I keep ‘em comin’ back.” Dr. Ross also emphasizes that networking is a must in business, “I know Pablo, Noriega, the real Noriega, he owe me a hundred favors.” “Ashamed 313” provides students with Dr. Ross’s thoughts on business leadership, “Before I was a fetus, had the genes of a leader.” Some people just have all the luck. Finally, “Addicted to Money 100” will provide students with insider tips to get ahead in business, “Time to milk the game, bitch / I went and bought a cow.” Be quick to sign up for this heater of a class, because Dr. Ross’ class is sure to fill up quicker than his bank account. It’s also big news that the greatest rap mogul and businessman in the game has officially signed on to teach for VCU. Dr. Carter, better known as Jay-Z, has always said, “I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, man, Let me handle my business, damn.” Dr. Carter’s “Girls, Girls, Girls (Part 2) 410” reveals that the VCU gig will not be his first foray into the teaching profession, “She call me professor, say daddy come and test her/So she can fail on purpose and repeat the semester.” Like Dr. Ross, Dr. Carter used “D’Evils 101” to also pursue unorthodox money making, “I kept feedin’ her money ‘til her shit started to make sense.” Finally, students will receive knowledge from Dr. Carter’s T.A. as well. T.A. Kanye West will remind students to stay away from gold diggers, because they WILL take your money, leaving you a broke...person.
Rumor has it that the engineering students have harnessed the Tupac hologram technology, and starting next semester, you’ll be able to take classes taught by his foe in the afterlife, Dr. Hologram B.I.G. His entire business class will be based off of his own doctorate, received in the “Ten Crack Commandments 210.” Dr. B.I.G. was asked why he created the class, and he said, “I been in this game for years, it made me an animal/ It’s rules to this shit, I wrote me a manual A stepby-step booklet for you to get your game on track/ not your wig pushed back.” However, some underclassmen will be disappointed to know that Dr. B.I.G.’s class is “Strictly for live men, not for freshmen.” Bummer, better wait until you’re a senior for this one, freshie. Those able to attend the class will benefit from the good doctor’s tips such as: “Never get high on your own supply,” and “that god damn credit, dead it, You think a crackhead payin you back, shit forget it.” Ultimately, there is a wealth of knowledge to be gathered from any of these professors, and these classes will be pivotal for your success in business school. As Professor Malice, on loan from Clipse University teaches, it’s important to keep spending, because keys open doors, and “All it is is paper.”
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Celebrities That Should Endorse VCU
Unless you live under a rock, you had to have to have seen the pictures of Leo DiCaprio, Snoop Dog/Lion/Mammal, and Spike Lee, gracing the sidelines of our basketball games. For a team who only has a handful of years of NCAA relevance, we’re doing pretty well! Here are some other celebrities who should endorse our increasingly awesome basketball team if they knew what was good for them. 10.) Lindsay Lohan: Let’s face it, everything since Herbie: Fully Loaded has been rocky for LiLo. She could use some time away from the spotlight doing things that won’t age her another ten years. Though she’s only 26, she looks like the geriatrics we had to practice sponge bathing in our pre-nursing class. Clearly, college credit is the right play here. 9.) Miley Cyrus: From breaking off her engagement to cutting off her hair and making a career change to a twerking unicorn, Miley could be a refreshing bit of excitement for the Rams. Plus, maybe in some ASL class she’ll learn that moving one’s hips doesn’t mean, like, “Yeah.”
Why Do Strangers Keep Handing Us Stuff? Sabrina Fuller wrote this “Have you accepted our Lord and savior Jesus Christ into your life?” a tall, balding man in a suit inquires. Oh no. We’ve all been there before. You’re taking a normal stroll through the Compass when all of a sudden they appear out of nowhere. Usually these perpetrating peddlers mean no harm, and their hearts are really in the right place. But no one has the time to stop and have a friendly chat about religion. So what are you to do? It seems as though this Bible thumper can see right through to your soul, your stomach is knotting up in panic. Or is it a Shafer burger that’s making you feel that way? No matter, either way you’re screwed. From here you can either take the pocket-sized copy of the New Testament and be on your way, or pretend that you don’t speak English. Your move. Of course, it would be too easy if Compass was littered with just church-goers. Everyone wants a piece -- the tree huggers beg you for signatures and “just a small contribution, only $20 which is nothing when you really think about it,” and student organizations ask you to donate something even more heinous: your precious time. Gasp! Where do they get off? When did it become okay to pass out flyers and student-written, poop joke-filled newspapers? The problem started with the appeasers, the people who didn’t really want to sign a petition or take a button, but did so out of politeness. These people opened a gateway for the solicitors to swarm our peaceful campus. They have learned to never, ever take no for
an answer. These “distributors” will stare you down. Their hands are already extended out waiting for you, fingers tensed and ready to strike. The old tricks aren’t going to work anymore either; it’s almost like these people are trained to see through every lie and excuse. Being on the phone is definitely not a good enough reason for someone not to accost you, and if your hands are full? Well then they can just tuck it securely under your arm for you. Problem solved, now have you ever considered donating money to Richmond’s local clown college?
8.) Waka Flocka Flame: Because every team needs a voice to reach the ratchets in Ratchmond and the world over. Embrace and use the ratchet appeal! We “promise” it’ll pay off in the end. Besides, VCU already goes hard in the paint. 7.) Jennifer Lawrence: Like expensive gin, she just makes us all warm and fuzzy inside. She’s wellspoken, a badass, and so awesome that she ate shit (Ed. note: violently tripped and fell) at the Oscars. This basic humanness caused us to love her even more. Plus she’s hot, and science shows people like it when other, hotter people endorse things. 6.) Taylor Swift: Just kidding! T Swizzle would do much more harm than good for the Rams. Although, we would absolutely listen to an album of songs dedicated to how each member of the VCU basketball team broke her heart. “You’re Smart but I can’t Love You,” would be a very subtle single. 5.) Stephen Colbert: The Colbert bump is a real, observed phenomenon. We need to embrace the Colbert Nation and have them rally behind us. With those kind of numbers, we could take over the world (or at least run the A-10 for the next decade). 4.) Quvenzhanè Wallis: Our potential damage control celebrity. How much trouble and controversy can a nine-year-old stir up, that asshole comment from The Onion aside? 3.) Lance Armstrong: It doesn’t take balls to be a tough guy on a bike, but if Armstrong comes back into the spotlight donning the black and yellow, we’ll know he got a new, prosthetic set. 2.) Charlie Day: We could really use his obnoxious high-pitched voice and spastic movements when the refs are making bullshit calls. VCU needs that one really annoying guy to pester and annoy the absolute shit out of everyone. Plus, someone here will help him patent Kitten Mittens.
So what can you do when the fiends take over every street corner, crosswalk, and building entrance? Well it’s time for you to step your game up and formulate a new plan. Get creative, and by all means if you’re going to lie make it indisputable. If someone tries to catch your eye, don’t look away -- it’s a sign of weakness. Instead, hold eye contact as you walk by. This requires a fair amount of confidence. You really need to sell the fact that you are serious, you’re on your way to a very important meeting and even the slightest hesitation in stride will make you late. If that doesn’t work, you could try carrying some paraphernalia of your own. Two can play the game right? When one of those leeches tries to hand you a flyer, hand them one of your very own. A nice pamphlet exchange might be just the thing to get someone off your back. If all your tricks fail, just give in. Politely take a paper, put a fake name down on a petition, take a second to donate a few ounces of blood. It won’t kill you to support a cause, and you can always trash whatever they hand you as soon as they’re out of sight (Ed. note: You wouldn’t do that to us, would you?). Just remember what route you took, and never take it again.
1.) Barack Obama: We helped turn Virginia blue for you, Mr. President! Too bad your RVA constituency didn’t feel the same love when we heard about your bracket. That’s cold, even for the POTUS. You know what, Shaka for President 2016! NO NEVERMIND NEVER LEAVE US SHAKA WE LOVE YOU.
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Jesus Sees His Shadow:
600 More Years of Damnation Ahead tbs staff wrote this As per standard Christian tradition, thousands gathered at what is reported to have been Jesus Christ’s final resting place before being “resurrected” after his crucifixion this Easter weekend. In hopes that the Messiah would emerge from his annual hermitage and not see his shadow on the way out (signifying the complete amnesty and reconciliation of all worldly sin), many cried out in both agony and exasperated frustration when Jesus poked his head out of the tomb, stood idly for five minutes, and returned back to his chambers. The newly appointed Pope Francis estimated that Jesus’ continued seclusion for this year will bring forth approximately 600 more years of eternal damnation. “Our Lord and Savior pulls the same shit every year,” said Robert Heeltop, a Chicago suburban father of two. “I love the man and all, and God strike me down for blaspheming, but every single year I have to tell my sons the same lie about some anthropomorphic rabbit that irresponsibly leaves expired eggs that sit in the house just because Jesus Christ won’t stop bumming around like a lazy-ass.” Several others in the audience expressed an unholy discomfort in possibly having to endure 600 more years of eternal damnation, a number that has been multiplied over 2,000 times since the first Easter in which Jesus decided to play an April Fool’s prank on his disciples by cutting two holes in the Shroud of Turin and acting as a spooky ghost. “Ah, yes, the story of the first Easter,” remarked Pope Francis after he issued out the excuse on Jesus’ behalf that the weather was far too humid to even consider having a proper resurrection. “I believe it’s in one of the hidden texts of the New Testament that states that John was
‘royally pissed off’ when Jesus faked his own resurrection. The story goes on to tell the tale of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John waiting outside of Jesus’ tomb, or ‘The Bitchin’ Palace of Res-Erection’ in Hebrew, ready to ‘kick his grace-giving ass’ for being a spoiled brat of the Father. If you actually read the Bible, this would be second nature for you.” In addition to heading home in disappointment to continue spreading the fallacy of Jesus’ resurrection, biblical scholars at the scene debated on what the extra years of bonus damnation would take the form of. Most argued that this would merely contribute to the already staggering 1,207,800 years that humans will have to suffer in Hell before gaining entrance into Heaven, or the amount of years it will take before God decides that the Westboro Baptist Church isn’t a funny practical joke anymore. “It’s a pretty big downer, you know, having to get home just to tell your kids that they’re damned for another six centuries,” said Sandy Hitchens, a Utahan mother who was running late to drop off her daughters at soccer. “My 5-year-old started putting tally marks on her wall, and she gets so excited to tell me that she’s got five years down and only 2,995 of irreparable suffering to go. We always make it to church every Sunday, but our pastor always seems down in the dumps as well, often showing up for his sermons reeking of liquor. Last week, he said to us ‘Oh, you wanna see a homily on eternal suffering? I’ve got your homily right here’ before exposing and hysterically screaming about his blue-balled Holy Trinity.” After the barrage of disgruntled Christians dissipated and the Vatican
orchestra finished playing Jesus Christ Superstar in its entirety, the snickering Messiah shared a few words with The Black Sheep before retreating back into his tomb to finish up the most recent season of Breaking Bad on Netflix. “I’ll be honest, man, my dad and I haven’t really been on speaking terms for the past few millennia, you know? I’m still kind of bitter about the whole ‘if you love me, you have to die for their sins’ thing that he threw on me at the last second. So, yeah, I didn’t ascend into heaven like my old man wanted me to; I was never much of a right-hand man anyway. I’ve just been chilling here and enjoying my time, occasionally calling up the guys to see if they want to hang and play cards, minus Judas because he’s a total dick. I really don’t mind having to come out once a year just to stare at my blatantly apparent shadow for a few minutes.” When asked what his reasoning was behind not seeing his shadow this year, Jesus replied, “Some asshat in the third row thought he’d be clever or whatever by dressing up as Pilate, so I was like ‘Wow, yeah, fuck this.’”
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! ! ! e i d o t g n i o g rewrite A Tale to re e w s n e ick e end of times.” If D d n e e th ession with th s s a b w o r it u , s o e d m n a ti , ake ystem orst of y’re sure to m ive political s , it was the w e s is th e iv d m r; e ti a f m y, o m g t u s lo s e n this techno “It was the b time. the big scree note bitchin’ g n ’d ti e h it , h 3 Pickles, in no s 1 ie r. 0 v 2 D o t, in m a s t c h ie d it ig a C e e our d these of Two the sky with y e us? Look at v in e li r e ie b rr ’t a c n o ty D ol’ kit of days. an and Quinn e living in the d b n l ’l re u B o y y b k n in e Writt you th
Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating intergalactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there. What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.” Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world. Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.
Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld. What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens
are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.
Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th
Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied. She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.
What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.
What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight.” Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.
What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.” Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was dead-set on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to
ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.
After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way. What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!” Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago. 440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pacific rim JUly 12th
What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind. What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.” Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almostspoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter,
we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.
Elysium - August 9th
What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat.
What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.
What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.” Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people. That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s
World war z June 21st
What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).”
population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.
Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for first-world nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks all an unhappy peasant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours.
Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb. Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.
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bartender of the week Mary lou b. home team grill Favorite drink recipe: Bushmills and Diet Coke Favorite shooter: Tic Tac: whipped cream vodka, Rumple Minze Have you invented any recipes yourself: The Octagon (vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec, splash of sour, Coke and Raz on the bottom) What’s your karaoke song: “Baby Got Back,” by Sir Mix-a-Lot Life motto: I like to live by Dr. Seuss books. Favorite phrase: Last call! What’s your guilty pleasure: Texting while driving. Ever met anyone famous: I served Steve Carell a cheeseburger once. If you could hook up with a celebrity who would it be: Channing Tatum.
the drinking game:
Favorite bad pick up line: “How’s not being my girlfriend working out for you?” Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: When VCU won the [game to get into the] Final Four against Kansas it was insane, we sprayed champagne on everyone from the bar, people were dumping ice buckets on each other, and the TV’s were covered in beer. Ever hooked up with a co-worker: No, but I’ve done a lot of dirty dancing with them at Christmas parties. What’s your biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: When someone turned 21 last week and they don’t still take out their ID when they order a drink. What’s the best way to get your attention on a crowded night: Having tipped well the night before. Craziest thing you’ve seen someone do for a free drink: During a marathon we had someone hold a sign up outside that said, “If you stop to drink a beer it’s free!” and this guy did, he chugged a beer and kept on running.
recipe for disaster:
Go Drunken Fish
mom’s homemade wasted pizza
While some people love drinking games, others would rather get trashed without having to play by the rules for twenty minutes. Instead of painfully re-explaining the rules for Irish Poker or Circle of Death to all your drunk and dumb partygoers, stick with a game so simple even the most intoxicated drinker can understand.
You have no clue how to really cook. Though your mother has made you countless homemade meals over the years, you still think preheating an oven means getting to it before other male ovens start trying to plow it. This recipe’s both easy and delicious; you can’t go wrong with a big-ass pizza.
What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and some obnoxiously fruity vodka. Number of Players: Four to six players. Level of Intoxication: When done right, by the end you will have forgotten how to play.
What You’ll Need: Two packs of crescent roll dough, a jar of tomato sauce, a massive amount of different types of cheeses, and any pizza toppings you desire (sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapples, garlic, etc.) Cook Time: About 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: Pizza is a vegetable now, so you’re fine. Let’s Get Baked: - Press the crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far as it’ll go. - Bake the dough for about eight minutes on recommended baking heat (probably 400 degrees). - Take the pan out of oven and lower the oven temperature to 200 degrees. - Spread the tomato sauce over the dough. - Load on that cheese until you think you have more than enough. Then add more. - Add your momma’s favorite toppings to the pie and throw it in the oven again until the cheese melts. - Serve your mother the homemade pizza with a smile and a kiss.
How to Play - Give each player a shot glass and keep the bottle of vodka in the middle of the table. - Take one shot before the game begins. - Pass out five cards to each player and place the remaining cards in the middle, face down. - The point of the game is to get as many matches as possible, just like regular Go Fish. After each player looks at their cards and sets aside their matches, the game begins! - If a player is only left with one card after pairing up their matches they may take two more cards from the middle. - The dealer starts the game by asking another player for a card (“Mary, do you have a 5?”) The player must surrender the card the dealer asks for and take half a shot. - If the player does not have the card they must shout, “Fuck you, fish!” The dealer must take a half shot and a card from the middle. - The process is repeated for every player until everyone uses up his or her cards. The Game Ends When: All the cards are used up. Count up your matches to see who has the most.
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When you’re done with this, be sure to take a pic for posterity. Just wait until the sun’s up before sending it to dear ole’ mom.
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Farting etiquette tbs staff wrote this Hey there. Yeah, you in the corner avoiding eye contact with everyone else in the elevator. Why? Why would you unleash that foulness currently wafting beneath everyone’s nasal passages and slowly building to a pungent crescendo? Could you honestly not clench up for a measly five stories before the elevator reaches your floor? It’s obvious it’s you. Christ, at least have the dignity to accept responsibility and apologize for your stinky transgression. But you won’t, will you? You’re going to continue to nervously pore over your smartphone before booking it out of this desecrated tomb, leaving everyone else to suffocate on the stale aroma of mustard and day old salami. Awesome. Everybody farts. That most certainly must be accepted despite what the women-folk might have you believe. At this very moment, there are in fact literally millions of people blasting the pants cannon and turning their undergarments into the kind of fuming swamp a wide array of amphibian species could easily call home. However natural tooting may be, like many unpleasant human behaviors (using the rest room, choking, genocide, etc.), it does not give you the right to ignore the protocols in place for avoiding said acts whenever humanly possible. Sadly, there are a disgustingly high number of you here at State who seem to have never been properly educated in this particular matter. Hopefully this article can help set you straight and your sphincters tight. The first rule in the gentleman’s code of proper gas passing is, whenever possible, do not fart in public places. It doesn’t matter where you are or how discreet you can be. If you are waiting in line outside the Apple Store in New York City with a million other people and the wind is wailing in your ears, ensuring the stank won’t be around long enough to strangle anybody, you still do not let loose until the pressure gauge has breached maximum capacity. You don’t see people walking around shouting racist jokes on the bus or light rail, and if you do you probably think those people are obnoxious. Likewise, do your part and don’t offend people with your anal reek. This especially applies to enclosed spaces: elevators, classrooms, tightly packed lecture halls... Just don’t do it. If you must honk your horn amongst the general populace, there are a few situations in which it is acceptable or simply undetectable. Walking across campus, for example, as long as they’re relatively silent, quick sporadic releases are fine. Everyone is in such a hurry to get to class that no one is lingering to notice your deadly secret. Just be wary when crossing the street. That old accordion player has
the olfactory senses of a synesthetic bloodhound. If you are stationary or sitting down, it is standard regulation to ensure there is no one within a fifteen-foot radius. The coast must also be clear for the proper dissipation time of sixty seconds. The back of a library would be examples of such acceptable locations. And once you’ve planted the seed of the putrid odor bush, swiftly evacuate the scene in the least conspicuously casual manner possible. Really, the only appropriate place to flatulate is in the comfort of your own apartment. Your roommates have forfeited the right to judge because your home is your space, and a ruler is free to fill his domain with as much bum-wind as he sees fit. This is a sacred tenant handed down from the first men and was the driving force behind Henry VIII breaking away from the Catholic Church (embarrassed, Pope Clement VII blamed Anne Boleyn to save papal face). Your home is your personal fart tub. Go nuts. Hopefully you can now go forth and regulate your backside activity with presence of mind and courtesy. Sorry ladies. Queefing is still never ok.
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