The Black Sheep
FR EE wh ... l o ike see di yo rty u re lo o ad ks in fro g th m b is pa iker per s .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 4, Issue 11 • 4/4/13 - 4/10/13
rampage: the gold standard of rva Lorenzo Simpson wrote this
The Black Sheep is tired of the crime in Richmond, and we know that you’re fed up as well. With robbery, assault, and 9 a.m. classes, phones have been vibrating so much due to the VCU Alert system, the campus sounds like a breeding ground for Africanized bees. So do we do something about it? Press the police to beef up their efforts? Write a letter to Mayor Marsh? Enforce the buddy system? Nah, let’s just make up a fictional character that will solve all of our problems for us. The people of Richmond need a hero. Someone they can look up to. Someone they can depend on. Someone they can stop on the street and scream out to, “Hey! You’re that guy! Take a picture with me!?” while drunk. Introducing the Heavily Horned Hero, the Gilded Champion, the Gold and Black Avenger, RAMPAGE! Enter Atticus Smith, a Graphic Design student at VCU’s School of the Arts. He currently lives with his 6 roommates in downtown Richmond. During the first 8 years of his life, he was a self-centered jerk, always throwing fits if things didn’t go his way, and relying on his parents to feed him and give him money for field trips. But that all changed on one fateful day full of fateful fate. On his 9th birthday, his parents took him to The National to go see Limp Bizkit. Young Atticus couldn’t understand why Fred Durst was dressed kind of like a rapper, but performed music that was kind of like heavy metal. Needless to say, he was not rollin’ with it, and asked his parents if they could leave early. As his family exited The National, they were approached by a religious leader, asking them to convert to Pastafarianism, the tastiest religion there is. Atticus and his family fled in fear through the streets. Well, his parents ran through the streets, he just ran on the sidewalk like a normal person. Right when they thought they were in a safe place, Atticus watched in horror as his parents got leveled by a Campus Connector bus that actually decided to show up on time. And just like that, he was alone. He devoted the rest of his life to fighting for justice, because that’s what you do when your parents die when you’re young. Upon getting to college, Atticus decided to major in graphic design. The obvious thing to do for a justice-loving fellow would have been to go to law school, but he “wanted to do justice to the world of art.” One day, on a solo trip to the VMFA, he caught some drug dealers trying to steal presidential paintings to draw handlebar moustaches on them. He furiously chased the three men into the Egyptian art exhibit. They stopped running when they realized that there were three of them, and they were extremely muscular. They beat him mercilessly, making sure to crack each of his ribs and give him the most mortifying atomic wedgie ever.
Senior Unaware He Has No Marketable Skills
They threw him up against a golden ram statue, which split open to reveal a black necklace with an ankh attached to it. Contact with the black bling endowed Atticus with a set of indestructible golden ram horns, along with healing powers, super strength, heightened agility and an ability to control gold with his mind (which he later calls the Trinidad James Effect). Sadly, he was not able to demonstrate these amazing powers on the drug dealers, as they were long gone before he regained consciousness. Luckily, there is a lot of crime in Richmond, and he was able to put the smackdown on the candy asses of several criminals that night. When he
what'’s inside
I Got 99 Problems, but a Diploma Ain’t One
got back to his apartment, he immediately designed a costume, scoured Craigslist and VCU’s engineering department for supplies and gadgets, wakeboarded the Web for ram puns, and lo, RAMPAGE (always all caps) was born! Now the gilded good guy runs all over Richmond, saving lives and headbutting the crap out of wrongdoers. You’ll see him for a split second before he disappears in a puff of gold dust. Watch out evil. Justice is going on a RAMPAGE.
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Blissfully Ignorant to Thousands in Student Loans; Possibly Has Chlamydia
“Son, do you know what this letter is for? You needed a major GPA of 2.5 but got a 2.4.”
Now with more Leonardo DiCaprio burns!
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