The Black Sheep
fre a-p e...lik enn e g y, t iveake a-p all enn the y, t pen akenie s!
Vol. 5, Issue 11
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
11/7/13 - 11/13/13
Humpday
on Thursday: The Tale of Throwback Thursday Gone Horribly Wrong BY: Nathan Heintschel VCU freshmen Jack Goff and Willie Stroker thought their simple competition of “Throwback Thursday” oneups were harmless — certainly a competition that wouldn’t lead to either of them dropping out of school. Then Goff and Stroker found themselves in a browser history that just couldn’t be deleted. It all began back during freshmen welcome week. Goff and Stroker were roommates and immediately became friends on every social network known to mankind. The first Thursday after classes started, Stroker posted a picture of himself playing peewee football for his first “#ThrowbackThursday” on his newly minted Instagram account. After seeing Stroker’s post, Goff posted his three-year-old self playing soccer, and tagged his new best friend Stroker. The following Thursday, Goff tagged Stroker in a picture of Goff’s ceremonial circumcision. Stroker was flabbergasted as to how he didn’t know Goff was Jewish, let alone how Goff could one up with such an early picture. However, after much controversy and confirmation from the rabbi who performed the ceremony, it was determined that Goff’s circumcision photos were accurate. The weekend after Goff’s infamous post, Stroker struck gold in an old photo album his parents’ attic. On Thursday, Stroker posted a picture of himself mid-birth. The picture of Stroker’s bloody head crowning in his mother’s vagina was enough to lose all of his Instagram followers except for Goff, who would not be out-#ThrowbackThursdayed. Alas, Stroker was not prepared for Goff’s weekend find. Two minutes after the birth picture, Stroker got a notification that he’d been tagged in Goff’s newest picture. Stroker clicked the notification to find that Goff had uploaded a picture of his ultrasound when Goff’s mother was five weeks pregnant. Stroker left for fall break in a fit of rage, a rage that was only fueled when the earliest ultrasound photo he found in his parents’ house was of Stroker’s mother at three months pregnant. Stroker knew he couldn’t lose, and he tore apart the house looking for the haymaker post, the most throwback picture he could find that would ultimately crown him king of the dorm. It was in this rage that Stroker found a box buried in his parents closet that read “home movies.” In the box, Stroker found a VHS tape with the label that read “June 28, 1994.”
Stroker was surprised to find a VHS player still in his house but quickly popped it in the VCR anyway. The video had those weird VHS-lines running across the screen and the sound was muffled. Right when Stroker was about to give up hope, the video regained clarity. Sitting alone in his basement, Stoker was now watching his father pile drive his mother National Geographic style. His mother was screaming, “BREED ME!” and Stroker’s father acquiesced to her request. As he sat, face aglow by the old TV, the sight of his mom getting peen punched was enough to make Stroker want to rip out his eyes. All of the sudden Stroker came to the realization that June 28, 1994 was exactly nine months before his birth. Stroker was holding the videotape of not only the death of millions of his potential brothers and sisters, but the videotape of his conception. Thursday, November 7th, 2013 was like any other throwback Thursday for Goff; he sat in his 10 a.m. Law & Ethics class and eagerly anticipated Stroker’s concession post. His phone buzzed, and he immediately clicked on the notification from Stroker. However, Goff’s triumph faded to shame as “BREED ME” rang out in the lecture hall. Goff sat in horror as he realized that he not only lost Throwback Thursday, but he was also going to be expelled for watching porn in class. As he had nothing left to lose, he decided to take down his parent porn-watching roommate and reposted Stroker’s conception all over VCU’s social networks. Word spread like wildfire across campus as the class of 2017 learned of Stroker’s home movie, forcing Stroker to withdraw from school as his classmates all assumed he too had a wiener as tiny as his father’s.
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Dear Mass-Emailers, Get Some Friends
Richmond Crime Report: Sidewalk
Marcus Mumford Pursing Dream Job
and Please stop bombarding our inboxes with nonsense, okay!?
In the end, all you can think is, “Screw these Richmond sidewalks.”
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