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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 1 9/27/12 - 10/3/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_vcu
an open letter to the guy outside of mojo’s wearing cargo cutoffs vcu staff wrote this
Dear Guy Outside of Mojo’s Wearing Cargo Cutoffs, How are you doing? I hope the summer went well for you. I assume your endless days of riding fixies, wearing ironic tshirts from businesses that no longer exist, and debating which Animal Collective solo album is best have been great fun, but unfortunately you must, as we all must, return to campus to continue your education here at VCU. I’m sure your art history degree is coming along great. That being said, we need to have a talk: Hide your balls, dude. Put them away, I don’t want to see them. They’re orchestrating a jailbreak and those nuthuggers are a minimum security prison. I am not a prude. I believe that the human body is a beautiful thing to be admired in all its different forms. Tall, short, thick, thin, dark, pale - they’re all wonderful in their own ways. It’s not even that I have a problem with male nudity; I’ve been in enough locker rooms to not be shocked by guys in various states of undress. No, the problem here is that you and your testicles have thrust me into a situation where the sight of your balls is being forced upon me. I get that shorts are breezy and fun and you’re appropriating something traditionally reserved for women, whatever. You’re dressed like you’re on a float in the Hairy Legs Pride Parade, and what once may have been acceptable shorts are now frayed to the point of Daisy Dukesdom. It’s “Not a Good Look” on the level of Zubaz pants or a throwback Raptors jersey. I mean, shit, I applaud your ironic detachment from fashion, common sense, and modesty. Clearly, you give no fucks, and it shows, from your weird Hitler Youth haircut to your freaky mustache. It takes balls to have your gonads front and center, and the cut of your shorts just draws the eye into them. This was not an accident; I refuse to believe a tragedy on this scale simply just “happened.” This was a deliberate chain of events, all designed to get me to stare in horror at your package. You laid it out on a khaki platter like a bird at Thanksgiving, the centerpiece of a disgusting meal of hipster visuals. It was like a
Best Places to Eat… Late Night
yuppie version of Truck Nutz, and frankly, I’m offended that you would just be so cavalier about your family jewels. So, where do we go from here? Obviously, my life will never be the same, knowing there are some ironic exhibitionists freeballing their way through life and smirking their way to American Apparel. Your lifestyle is obviously vindicated, because you managed to get someone to write over 500 words about how they could totally see the outline of your sack and how pissed it made them. Can’t go back to Mojo’s, because what if we recognize each other? More importantly, what if I recognize your boys again? I liked that bar, but I don’t want to risk another
what’s inside
those nights: Where you Went Wrong
run-in with the outline of your twig and berries. Here is what I propose: If you and your balls are reading this, meet me outside Cabell (in some damn pants, you barbarian) and we can discuss a visitation schedule for the bar, because I think shared custody is the best option here. Also if you want, I can help you pick out some pantaloons that don’t shout HEY LOOK AT MY BALLS to everyone in a ten yard radius. Sincerely, VCU Staff
bartender of the week
Greasy grub just seems to get better as the night goes on.
Blame it on the goose, who got you feelin’ loose.
Kristen from Beach House know that everything little thing is gonna be all right.
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contents page 4: I didn’t text you, bacardi did
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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Who even invited that guy, anyway?
page 6: the Top 10 Methods to Suppress the homicidal rage incurred by gridlock traffic
Table of
page 7: from the streets given the opportunity to tell off one celebrity you absolutely loath, who would it be and why?
page 9: beyond the cellar door We ask you to give lateral thinking some thought.
page 10: flipping the script What happens when your favorite TV character stops being fake, and starts being real?
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! k e e W e h t f o c i P
college kids i want to punch in the face "The One Who Thinks They Know Everything"
Sexy Anagrams
I AM BEEEEEER MANNNN!!!! (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Ark As Hi
Rich Mesh Throws
Do you know who these
celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
word of the week
Castrabate: A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship.
“Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
I Didn’t Text You, Bacardi Did rachel sutton wrote this We’re all familiar with the morning after a great night – at least, you think it was great. Your memory is a mosaic of bright lights, witty retorts, and some pretty baller dance moves. As you shovel down a handful of ibuprofen and pray the sunlight decides to take a vacation today, you find yourself almost 93% sure it was worth it. Then a stranger scares the shit out of you as they emerge from your bathroom. “Oh shit, not again,” you say to yourself, dreading the imminent awkward conversation in which you cultivate a clever lie to get them out of your apartment. And when they finally do gather their things and leave, you can’t help but sit down and wonder what else you don’t remember from last night. Luckily, your friends are all too willing to help shed some light on the situation. Over your favorite hangover concoction of choice, your buds tell you how hilarious you were drunkenly singing Katy Perry off key, and hitting on the nearest gay guy, repeatedly asking him if he’s sure he was “all the way gay or just kind of gay.” Then they remind you of your attempt to lead the Electric Slide to the rest of the party, getting only one or two of the fifty to follow suit. Your stomach slowly turns in shame, completely mortified of your behavior, and to top it off, you just realized you sent about twenty texts to that certain someone you’re crushing on. “I’m never drinking again,” you proclaim to anyone who will listen, though somehow the completely genuine yet utterly false statement does nothing to remedy your bruised ego and battered sense of self. So how do you survive your latest overwhelming humiliation in front of your friends, classmates, and crush? Easy - act like nothing happened. Once you get past the inevitable vomit, brush your teeth, take a shower, and completely ignore any activities from the previous night. Delete your drunk texts, dump any evidence of the previous night’s transgressions in the trash, and Febreeze the crap out of your apart-
ment. Go out to a movie or curl up with your favorite book; get lost in a mosh pit at your favorite venue of choice or sleep for about seventeen hours, if that’s what suits you. But do not, in any case, rehash the gory details of your latest “great” night. Just remember that tonight, someone else will make an even worse attempt to lead the Electric Slide and sing horribly over bar music until the early hours of dawn. You’ll be yesterday’s news in no time. And if it happens again (which let’s be realistic, it’s only Friday) just remember that everyone makes idiots of themselves at parties. You’re in college, so live it up while it’s still socially acceptable and not an indicator of a serious problem.
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Best Places to Eat…. Late Night daniel park wrote this After a long night of joyful endeavors the man who hides in your stomach will soon start to cry out from the hollowed cave. Girl, you’ve been jiggling those rolls for three hours and the poor guy is exhausted like an old father with three children coming back from the circus. Now, the only way to appease his loud grumbling is to satisfy his craving for junk food. He’s been starved for days, just so you could fit into the medium 1MX shirt you just snagged from Express or the extra small dress from Forever 21. In a predicament about where to go? Let us help you out. First off is the convenience store classic, 7-11. SOME people come here to get their grocery shopping done. It’s true, around midnight last week I witnessed a man make a large purchase: a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, Lunchables, instant noodles and yes, toilet paper. 7-11 quickies are the best before you pass out. Asante’s Pizza is also a solid choice. When you’re drunk and order, please make sure you have the money when they get to your door. I lost a bet two years ago and had to prank call them at 3:45, order three large pizzas, and felt really stupid when nobody chipped in for their delicious pizza. Forgive me Asante’s! Sometimes, greasy pizza just isn’t going to cut it. Have no fear, BoDillaz’ famous quesadillas are here! Choose from 20 signature quesadillas from their menu. They close at
4 a.m. on the weekends, so you’ll have sufficient time to sit and rest your calves to decide. And if your brain’s not fried and you can muster up some energy, create your own. Another late night spot to consider is Galaxy Diner. I got diarrhea the first time I went, but that’s because I had the fried pickles. Screw fried pickles. Everything would’ve been if it weren’t for those things. Didn’t expect that kind of sloppy twist at the end, but that’s what you get for feeling adventurous. For those who care about their health, Jimmy John’s might be the only place to go. Here you have two options, either you step into a place of friendly rock stars that will make your sandwich in two minutes or less, OR you call in like the lazy ass that you are and they’ll bike it over to your house. Don’t forget to tip, though. Being on the Chipotle side of the argument, it hurts to write this, but if you are able to walk in your ridiculous heels, Qdoba is a great choice. Fulfilling entrees will give you the perfect amount of energy just to get you walking back home and start your food coma. For people who like late-night breakfast food, Waffle House is definitely a solid choice. This 24/7 restaurant is a sweet deal. The meal prices are college student-friendly and the waffles are money. Other options include the VCU staple The Village Café. Food Network abombina-
tion Guy Fieri visited Richmond to feature this restaurant and he hyped up the beer-battered onion rings. Try these things before you graduate. A little bit pricey but the quality of the food gets an “A,” even if Fieri likes them. Finally, if you don’t mind a bit of a drive, pack your crew into your car and go to The Silver Diner, now. When you get there, request me as your server and I’ll help you out with the rest. Your freshman 15 starts now!
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The Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Methods to Suppress the Homicidal Rage Incurred by Gridlock Traffic We’ve all been there - sitting bumper to bumper in the blistering heat as each of your favorite radio stations play the same songs over and over again. Your foot is seconds from cramping up on the brakeand you can’t put your car in park because every two minutes your lane moves forward all of three feet. You can almost taste your exit, but not quite. Slowly each of the faces around you become familiar and you can’t help but have the overwhelming urge to bitch slap every one of them. Well, here are some tips that will, hopefully, restrain that irritating homicidal urge from rush hour traffic. 10.) Stare at the people in front of you until they notice and have an awkward reaction: Make eye contact and do not break it. This is easier than it sounds, as there will be almost nothing else for you or them to look at. If you’re having trouble getting them to notice, focus on their rear-view mirror. 9.) When that overplayed pop-rap hybrid song comes on for the fourteenth time, plug your ears in alternating rhythms and trip out from the radio: It’s the only way to make Airplanes palatable at this point. 8.) Whatever you do, do not to think about how full your bladder is: No good will come from this. Do not think about waterfalls, rivers, whirlpools, faucets, flushing toilets, gently flowing brooks, streams, ocean waves, leaky buckets, giant boats, seas, melting icebergs, the bottle of soda next to you, the bottle of soda you already drank… be right back.
those nights: Where You Went Wrong nick wright wrote this In college a huge part of socialization centers around drinking. Many people fantasize about the day they get to their school and go to their first huge kegger and get completely trashed. By the time they realize how much they’ve been drinking, they’re about to hit Blitzedville and two girls are next to you, making out in a trashcan. Have no fear; this article will walk you through a night out on the town.
6.) Daydream about hulking out and smashing every car between you and your destination: It’s what we call cathartic. Other options include destroying cars with eye lasers, somehow becoming so bored that you learn how to teleport, or pretending that your car is a Transformer and Bumblebee is carrying you to your destination.
So, you get out of class on a Thursday and ready to start pre-gaming. It’s 7 o’clock and you have had a little to eat. You bring your handle of Burnett’s over to your friend’s house for a pregame. Once you get there you’re not ripping shots yet, instead you start having a beer or two that was left over from last weekend and that is it. So far, so good.
5.) Act like a robot: Who doesn’t love robots? Besides the obvious conspiracy theorists who swear they’re humanity’s demise. Just to be safe, don’t get on your radio’s bad side and buy something nice for your iPod. Otherwise, you might be first against the wall when the revolution comes.
A half-hour passes, and now the beers are gone. You don’t feel a thing so you think, “Okay, one shot of vodka.” You’ve had a hard week - you earned that shot.
4) Hone your telekinetic abilities; it really is only a matter of time. Eventually, you’ll be able to read your own thoughts, project mental images within your mind, erase your own thoughts, and give yourself a stress headache.
Two beers and a shot deep, you’re ready to put on music and talk about your shitty week. You feel confident enough to take another shot, but you decide to go for a two-shot mixed drink to keep conversation flowing. This is where sane people might slow down a bit.
7.) When all else fails, search every imaginable compartment for hidden treasures: Makeup, water bottles, Dead Sea Scrolls: the possibilities are endless!
3) Do not underestimate the simple joys of screaming your head off. It actually releases chemicals in your brain that will help soothe you. It also discourages people from cutting you off, because who wants to cut off someone who’s just screaming in their car in traffic? 2) Close your eyes really, really tight and stare into the blackness. Watch as a crazy epileptic-seizure worthy light show emerges from your enraged eyelids. If you’ve been practicing your telekinetic abilities, you may even be able to get them to form messages, like some sort of hazy alphabet soup. 1) Of course, we can’t forget about a Chinese fire drill. Run around the car as fast as you can, jump into a different seat, and see if anyone notices. It’s classic for a reason. Do not attempt this if you’re driving by yourself.
Rachel Sutton wrote this
Conversation is getting pretty heated, you are talking about politics and religion and arguing your points like most hard-headed college kids do. The two shot mixed drink is down and everybody wants one more shot before going out. At this point you are definitely feeling something… You know that you’re tipsy but, as everyone knows, it’s mighty impossible to slow down once you show up to the actual event. People are everywhere and you are socially awkward,
so you use the classic excuse, “I need to be drunk to be social.” Once you walk in you see the keg and think that a cup of beer won’t be too bad, so you get a Solo cup and fill up. A responsible person would decide that this is a good stopping point, but you are no responsible person. That beer lasts for about 20 minutes, and by now you are definitely drunk. You are confident, grinding with some hipster who thinks you’re Joseph-Gordon Levitt and life is great. The girl knows the owner of the house and says she knows a room where they keep (of course) jungle juice. You proceed. Congratulations, you’ve doomed yourself and you don’t even know. Maybe the jungle juice was a bad idea. Holy shit, you are HAMMERED. Not to worry though, everybody is dancing, they’re on the same level as you, right? Nope. Walking up to random people and telling them that your dog is addicted to cigarettes makes you look like an asshole. The lies start pouring out and you literally have no idea what you’re talking about, nor will you remember it. You decide to have one more cup of beer because someone gave it to you. Actually you don’t decide, it just happens naturally because you have no clue what’s going on. Although you know what’s happening, it’s too late for you. You go upstairs to somebody’s room in the house claiming it is yours, you take off your clothes and that is what you wake up to in the morning. Congratulations, you’ve partied too much! Still drunk the next morning and naked in a random house, you have no clue what happened. You may never know…
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Given the opportunity to tell off one celebrity you absolutely loath, who would it be and why? “Kim Kardashian, she brings being a pointless celebrity to a whole new level.” - Katyrna B.
“Justin Bieber, he gets a face full of fist.” - Justin B.
“Nicki Minaj, she has no talent whatsoever.” - Brooke B.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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, s d n , Frie r o v Fla ! t s a e F Bistro Bar 101 South 15th street | (804) 562-1438 | 11am-2am daily
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1/2 price Apps 4-6pm Wake of the Flood, Grateful Dead Covers, 10pm, $5
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Live Music: Collegiate Highschool Reunion Daily Food and Bar Specials! $5 Menu During All Football Games + Bucket Specials!
Student Discount: 10% off anything (MUST SHOW ID) Live Jazz Every Other Saturday Night
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Open-Jam w/ Dave Shiflett 2-5pm, Free King Solomon’s Marbles, Grateful Dead Covers, 10pm, $7
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page 9
beyond the cellar door
vcu staff wrote this
Before this semester is over, I want to urge you to try something new, something avant-garde: I want you to stop thinking logically. That’s right, I want you to throw out all your preconceptions and everything you’ve learned thus far when it comes to problem solving, and instead turn your brain on its side and start thinking laterally. (Ed. note: Do not literally put your brain on its side, as this would cause blood to pool and possible brain death. This is not the purpose of the exercise.) You may need bricks and blue paint to build a blue house but you only need glass to build a greenhouse. (Ed. note: Greenhouses require support structures typically made out of metal or sometimes plastic. Please do not try to construct a greenhouse made only out of glass.) Lateral thinking is what leads to innovation, and innovation is what keeps good ol’ America moving; we are America’s next generation - whether the powers at be like it or not. And I’m sure it would be quite fulfilling to be the first person in the world to solve the world’s hardest math problem, but then what. (Ed. note: Grigori Perelman actually solved the world’s hardest math problem and won $1 million for his troubles.) In the grand scheme of things, nothing has happened. What’s the point in being a genius if you don’t use your genius to improve the world, or at the very least improve the way people brush their teeth? Think of the late, great Steve Jobs. (Ed. note: If you are unable to conjure up an image of Steve Jobs in your mind’s eye, imagine a pale, balding man in a turtleneck, who is also dead.) It could be argued that he single handedly used his skills and knowledge to transform the way people listen to music and communicate on a daily basis. He embodied and personified everything lateral thinking stands for. He used his
intellect, knowledge, and lateral thinking skills to the max, and in turn helped change the world - whether for better or worse is a debate for another day. Imagine, if you do so please, that you’re wandering aimlessly throughout town pondering the essence of your livelihood. The wind is blowing ever so delicately through your glimmering, wavy hair, the sound of life is nothing short of poetic, and someone beautifully calls out your name to ask… eh, you know what, f*** this noise. (Ed. note: Please use protection when engaging in intercourse with noise, even if it’s noise you know and trust.) Imagine you’re sitting in class, hung-over as hell from the kegger the previous night and your professor decides to switch things up in class – always on the worst damn days possible – and wants to do some critical thinking exercises. He asks you the following question: A girl lives in a house with her parents. There is a cellar door in the house, and her parents warn her to never, ever open it, because she’s not ready to see what’s behind it. What is on the other side of the door that her parents don’t want her to see? Now, a logical thinker may begin to come up with dark, gruesome, or scary items, whereas a more lateral thinker may begin to develop unclear ideas. The key technique is to view the question from a completely different perspective not usually applied. By thinking about this question from different angles, different perspectives, different mindsets, and different emotion you will come to the correct answer. When the girl opens up that cellar door she will see a kitchen, a living room, and the rest of the house. The girl’s parents locked her in a cellar and told her to never come out. So when she did she saw the outside world. (Ed. note: We do
not endorse locking girls in cellars.) If we could all master lateral thinking techniques imagine the inventions we could create, the ideas we could ponder, the compromises we could come to, and the lives we could improve. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you to tell your teacher that 2+2 is not 4, because it certainly is and will always be. But the next time you’re given the opportunity to brainstorm in a group activity, do it. Brainstorming can take creative ideas and stretch them even further. Don’t lock your brain in a cellar, open the door and let it explore the outside.
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Flipping Flippingthe thescript script so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...
dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin’
We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves, for watching. So, as The Black Sheep prefers to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan
ron swanson on survivor
Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tiptoe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.
Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, buffets, and honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out matched by only his mustache.
Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.
charlie day on america’s got talent
dave rose on top chef
Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.
Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?
back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini. Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.
Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.
sterling (malory) archer on
stars earn stripes Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in. Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.
Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.
lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit
Win or Lose?
Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.
Win or Lose?
Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well. Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.
out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.
Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.
Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.
Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of “The Night Man Cometh”, if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.
Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come
Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedule, and no time for a social life.
Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.
Win or Lose?
The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.
louie on the bachelorette
Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.
the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.
Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like…good. This won’t bode well because…
Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.
the interview
Dan Deacon
Ask someone what they first think of when Baltimore comes to mind, and often the response will be one of two things: Crime or The Wire. Well, there’s also Dan Deacon, people. Part of the vibrant Wham City Collective, Deacon’s brand of music is as weird as it is catchy. His latest album, America, dropped last month. Be patriotic and cop that shit. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: I’m not as interested in how you started playing music, but when did it hit you that this is something you wanted to do for a living? Dan Deacon: Actually, I think the “this is it” moment came in three parts. When I was young and I first heard the trombone, I knew at that moment I was really interested in music. The second step toward my life in music occurred when I first started using MIDI files (Editor’s Note: these are used in making music on a computer.), it showed me how much one could actually toy with sounds, and those sounds became music. It wasn’t until my first tour that I was sure that this was what I wanted to do for a living. I wrapped up a tour and realized that I got paid a little bit of money to play music in parts of the world I didn’t think I was going to see. TBS: Your live shows are notoriously awesome. Do you plan ahead for them, or is it all spontaneous? Dan: When I’m playing a live show, a lot of what happens really is playing off the crowd’s energy. I’ll try to introduce one or two new ideas on each tour, but a lot of what happens are spontaneous reactions to the crowd’s energy. Like, if the crowd is going crazy, I’m having a great time up there. If the crowd doesn’t seem like it’s having a good time, I take it in one of two directions, either I’ll try harder to try to win them over, or it’ll be like, “fuck ‘em, I’m doing this anyway.” TBS: So what’s it like playing in front of a crowd that’s not into it? Dan: Oh, I mean, that rarely happens. I’d say nine out of ten times the crowd is really into it. I mean, really, I can’t even remember the last time I played a show and the crowd wasn’t having a good time. Even then, when I say, “fuck ‘em,” it’s more, “I’m going to put on the best show I can, regardless of what they may think about it.” TBS: Over the past few years electronic music has really came on the scene, though it’s music that’s very different from the stuff that you do. Does that excite you? Make you wary? Dan: I’ll just be happy when it’s not considered electronic music anymore. I may not be really into a lot of what people consider electronic music, but I’m really interested in the way artists are able to create sounds that we’ve never seen in music before. Even more than that, many “electronic” musicians add non-electronic elements to their music. What I don’t want to see is us going backward- music that sounds like music that was popular in the eighties and the nineties. TBS: When you started to introduce elements like strings into your music again, was that difficult? Was there a learning curve? Dan: Well, when I started working with acoustic instruments again, it was challenging. I was rusty, having not used them in so long. Creating music isn’t like riding a bike—you don’t just pick it back up right away; it’s like speaking a language, if you don’t practice regularly, then you lose those skills. When I picked up some of the compositions that I had written when I was in college I was sitting there wondering how I had put them together back then. TBS: What the fuck is “Crystal Cat” about? Dan: [Laughs] I’ve never heard anyone ask that before. Well, on “Crystal Cat” I took the instrumental part of the song and I just started making nonsense noises that fit with how the song was progressing. After that, I worked on turning those noises into words, which fit with the music. TBS: Watermelon or cantaloupe? Dan: I guess it would depend on the situation that I’m in, but nine times out of ten I’m going to choose the watermelon. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what animal would you choose? Dan: A dragon. TBS: What is one thing you want to see or do before you die? Dan: I’m not sure. Nothing.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.
the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.
matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.” That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week kristen h. beach house Nick Name: “Ker” Age: 27 Status: Single Drink recipe: The Secret Surprise - Vodka, Rum, Gin, Triple Sec, Sour, Red Bull, Midori Shot Recipe: Dragon Berry Lemon Drop Who would win in a fight, Bigfoot or Chewbacca?: Chewbacca Has the book 50 Shades of Grey changed your sex life?: No Personal theme song: “Everythings Gonna Be All Right” by Bob Marley Favorite pick-up line: “I lost my phone number, can I have yours?” Funniest thing you have seen on the job: Two drunk chicks tried to steal the Jack Daniels statue during a fire drill.
the drinking game
mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.
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Recipe for Disaster
state fair mac’n’cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow. Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one). - Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet. - While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl. - Beat two eggs in another bowl. - Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour. - Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered. - Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy. - Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in. You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?
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page 13
The Black Sheep’s Overly Specific October Horoscopes the black sheep staff wrote this ARIES: The start of colder weather combined with the beginning of fall trends leads you to assume that chapped lips and hard nips are in this year. You’re wrong though; chapped lips and hard nips are in every year. Like leggings. TAURUS: The unexplained happens as you’re drawn to watching a sitcom about gay guys adopting babies. You deny watching the show to your friends, but they soon catch on as you start taking better care of your skin. GEMINI: A cafeteria binge leaves you incapacitate with a taco-demon reeking havoc in your stomach. You attempt to perform an “exorcism” of this bad karma by overdosing on laxatives, and the suffering evens it out. CANCER: The results of your last exam have induced a buying spree of 5-Hour Energy, Adderall, and salted caramel mochas in preparation for your upcoming exam. Unfortunately, your “broom hand” is too jittery to fill out the scantron. LEO: This Sweetest Day, single you is visited by your ghosts of girlfriends past. True to character, they all show up drunk,
crying, and you know, dead. VIRGO: You give the trick-or-treaters a scare when you open the door wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and loincloth. You may have dressed-down for Halloween, but we recommend dressing up for your impending court date. LIBRA: You fall victim to the Student Health Services business ploy/Devil’s Night prank when you use one of the condoms they covered with pepper and poked a hole in. Stay hydrated. SCORPIO: Congrats, the sultry looks you’ve been giving your T.A. have paid off, and after class she rewards you with a “hay ride” and trip to her “petting zoo.” Hopefully, for your sake, you’re into involving animals in your sex life and women with mustaches made out of hay. SAGITTARIUS: Your new diet of Captain, cider, and donuts has you leaving spooky, smelly farts haunting all the rooms you have class in. The same kind of farts from which Slimer originated.
CAPRICORN: Haunted houses no longer frighten you, as you brave a much more frightening quest and take a dump at Belle Isle. AQUARIUS: You fear a rip in the space-time continuum has happened during the weekend of the thirteenth, but then you just realize that all these people saying that they are “you in twenty years” are just alumni coming back for homecoming. PISCES: This fall the falling leaves fall in line with you falling in love with a little fault called alcoholism as you fall off the wagon once and for (f)all.
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the riddle
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the classtime
summer & winter olympic sports
Across
1) A certain Cleveland native comes to mind. 3) Love! 4) Nicole Richie would suck at this sport. 7) Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. 10) Tweet, tweet. 11) Neigh! 12) This grappling sport means “gentle way.” 13) Hipsters on steroids. 17) Stickin’ that booty out for the good of the sport. 18) Housewives would pick this up so easily. 19) A new addition for the 2016 Rio games.
5) Forrest Gump would definitely win a gold medal. 6) These nasty people get flexy. 8) Iceland digs this sport the most. 9) Really intense football, basically. 14) First played in 19th century Canada. 15) White picket. 16) This was known as yachting until 1996. 20) One of the most dangerous sports.
Down
2) Skeet, skeet, skeet. 3) Three times the difficulty.
Answers
twitter trivia hicwh hosclo sha aemd hte omts soer lbow aapcneerps? Unscramble the clue above and tweet us your answer @BlackSheep_VCU
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the classtime • Cans of ___1___, to mix in my roommates ___2___ blender with ___3___ so I can get my bulk on finally. • ___4___ and ___5___ to get my freak on with the ladies. Maybe some ___6___ for when we ___7___? Also, paper towels. • Solo cups ( ___8___ ones! Err’one love neon.) and ping-pong balls. • The new Doritos, ___9___ Extreme ___10___ , ___11___ Blast. • ___12___ cases of Mountain Dew, doubles as a chaser and hangover cure.
madlib: Grocery Store List
• Oh yeah, and ___13___ bagels. Oh yeah, and ___14___ but that’s from Carl. • Peanut butter, to mess with our neighbor’s ___15___ . And my ex. • Several cases of ___16___ and a 6-pack of ___17___ to impress my ___18___ dad. • Dumb ___19___ Burnetts, so the hotties dance on the table. ___20___ so my bros get into brawls. ___21___ for the people I really care about (sexy biddies). • ___22___, if I can find them, for those lonely nights.
1) gross protein 2) adjective for bad 3) Vegetable 4) Ice cream topping 5) Uncommon fruit 6) type of syrup 7) sex position 8) bright color 9) B-List athlete 10) type of cheese 11) type of spice 12) Large number 13) flavor 14) slang for weed 15) odd pet 16) shitty beer 17) craft beer 18) adjective for mean 19) fruit 20) hard liquor 21) Expensive alcohol 22) childhood snack
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