The Black Sheep
REC FREE OGN ...LI IZ A KE B BLE EIN THA G M N S ORE F AU STI N
Vol. 6, Issue 1
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
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3/20/14 - 4/2/14
DON’T MAKE UP STUFF, WON’T SEE NO STUFF:
HOW TO WATCH MARCH MADNESS LORENZO SIMPSON WROTE THIS
March Madness is a time to celebrate your Rams as they fight for college basketball supremacy. It’s also a time to pull your best excuses off the shelf, polish them off, and present them to your professor, boss, girlfriend, boyfriend, probation officer, or small pet funeral director so you can get out of whatever was previously scheduled to watch the Rams fight for college roundball pride, without prejudice. But these people, they know you, and they’re not gonna fall for the same diarrhea-related cop-out. Your excuses are gonna have to be multi-layered, multi-faceted, and multi-bullshitted to make them believe you. Let The Black Sheep walk you through some old-fashioned lies, with some new-fashioned pizzazz.
BE SICK AHEAD OF TIME:
No competent person is going to believe you if you call in sick while the NCAA Tournament theme music plays in the background. Like a Havoc Double-Fist Press, you gotta set it up ahead of time. First, Invite your boss/professor/lover/probation officer to lunch a couple days before the big game. Make sure you head to the grimiest, dirtiest seafood restaurant Richmond has to offer, but be sure to play up how awesome it is. When there, order the stankiest plate of oysters possible, and pretend to devour the sea boogers as you cough them into your napkin.
never going to Clams ‘R Us again, because the oysters planted a conflict in your nether regions that Russia couldn’t even fix. So, having been there when you were eating said oysters, they will believe you wholeheartedly. Enjoy the game.
FUNERAL SELFIE:
You know that great grandparent or aunt or uncle that you only call to ask for money? Well, it’s time to request their services once more. Funeral selfies are all the rage now, and it’s time to capitalize on it. What’s that? You don’t have a recently deceased old relative? No biggie. Invite them to town for the week, then snap a selfie with them sleeping peacefully in the background. After you have one of the pics, coax one of the Robertson School kids to Photoshopify that image so that it looks like they’re laying quietly in a coffin. Post this pic on your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, titled “I’ll always miss you, Nana.” You might wanna add a little poem or something for extra likes.
The next day, post on Facebook that you’re “Feeling weird. Hope it wasn’t those oysters.” This way, all your friends know that you might be headed to Hocktown.
With all the undeserved sympathy coming your way in the next week, your boss/prof/sidechick/bookie will probably call YOU. Just wait for those seven magic words, “Take as much time as you need,” and you’re in the clear. Now you can take as much time as you need to fold your burritos with the Monterey Jack queso ON THE SIDE! But remember, no amount of processed cheese can replace the fake loss of your relative, you’ll never be able to fake kill them again.
On the eve of the game, call your boss/professor/ lover/probation officer and tell them that you’re
When you show up to meet with your slavemaster/
PHONE A FRIEND:
test giver/funkbuddy/stalker, ask one of your homeboys to call you with some “urgent news.” Here’s where those three and a half improv classes are finally going to be of use. It’s time to sell it like a starving artist: “What? you’re in a car accident? The guy who hit you is from U of R? He’s angry that we beat them so bad in Brooklyn? HE’S PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT? HOLD ON DUDE!
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THE CABELL HUSTLE
TOP 10: COLLEGE COMMANDMENTS
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BE A CHAMPION AT CABELL.
I’m sorry, my friend’s in trouble, I gotta go.” End scene. Now go rescue your friend...who is also somewhere they don’t want to be, and needs an excuse to split. Now, with these crafty new excuses at your disposal, lie like the wind. Do what you have to do to see the Madness of March. You don’t wanna miss the war with the Rams, don’t make up stuff, won’t see no stuff.
THOU SHALT NOT LIVE ON HONEY BUNS ALONE (AND OTHER ADVICE).
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HOMELESS FOR ALMOST A DAY WE TAKE AN INSIDE LOOK INTO THE LIVES OF STUDENTS WORKING FOR CAF SWIPES.