The Black Sheep FR
EE
... L ON IKE LY THE TW W O AY WE PA EK RK S A IN GO G W AS .
• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_vcu
Volume 4, Issue 1 • 1/17/13 - 1/23/13
A SYLLABUS FOR SYLLABUS WEEK BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS
Colleges these days, including our mostly-inebriated-butclassy-as-James-Bond’s-left-testicle Black and Yellow, are doing an A-plus job of teaching vital real world skills, curbing GPA inflation, and keeping tuition affordable. And by “doing” these things we actually mean actually they’re not doing them at all. There is one week to be optimistic, though, and that is the magical, twice-yearly syllabus week that nearly every college student, kind-of-in-a-way, looks forward to. It is the one-week in which you pretend that you might actually enjoy a course and not find yourself medicating with ten to twelve self-prescribed Keystone Lights on a Tuesday night. It’s also the one week where you’re practically required to procrastinate or be designated an overachieving dork. So, naturally, you should have plenty of time to read our course requirements on how to get down during syllabus week. Course Title: VCU 445: “Syllabus Week.” Also known as” Welcome Week, Part Deux” or “Advanced College Life for Students Who Don’t Introduce Themselves to the Professor on the First Day and Therefore Designate Themselves as Ass-Kissers: A Technology-Based Survey”. Dates/Times: Monday, January 7, 2013 - Sunday, January 13, 2013. All day, e’rr day, or until the night before the first quiz that some professors like to have during the first week to show that they have suede elbow pads and they are not dicking around. Instructors: The Black Sheep, Ph.D. in Gender Studies with a Concentration in Male Genital Monikers, MS in Historical Football Time Travel, and President Simon, BS and only BS. TAs: Have no effect on your grade. But these pseudo-librarian ladies often have Hefner-worthy T’s and A’s, just not quite worthy enough to waste your time on during this first magical week. Course Objectives: The student will only be able to demonstrate knowledge of his or her courses to the extent that he/she vaguely knows when and where they are, as well as the level of attractiveness of the professor. The student should also be able to determine the relative difficulty and seriousness of the professor, and should be able to demonstrate the proportionality of such properties as they relate to the age and number
MOVING ON WHILE THE MAYANS LAUGH AT US
“THE WORLD WAS SUPPOSED TO END FOUR WEEKS AGO” IS NOT A CONVINCING ARGUMENT TO AN OFFICER.
PAGE 4
of sexual encounters of the professor, i.e. are they still young enough to give the students a break and are they still banging eligible suitors at the same pace as Taylor Swift on a Percocet binge. Finally, the student should also be able to fully analyze bars, parties, clubs, and other social gatherings to determine their level of drunk, hot, and duck-faced girls, ranging from bro-temptuous to bro-nasty. The student should also know which one of those is a good rating and which implies serious danger of STDs and those dramatic drunk-girl tantrums that still occur every night despite everyone agreeing that they’re fucking worse than cancer and an aging Eminem combined. Grading Scale: 4.0: 0%-89% 0.0: 90% and above. You’re trying way too hard already, slugger.
what'’s inside
Hints for Succeeding in this Course: -Don’t buy any textbooks now. If The Black Sheep were ever serious about anything (we’re not, but whatev’s), it would be this. Unless you’re looking to buy a doorstopper that happens to be pricier than a mountain of gold-plated hooker robots, don’t buy the book. -Wear a monocle — being a fancy gentleman never goes out of style. -When you get a ticket for daring to park anywhere on campus without surrendering your first born, please, set your ticketed car on fire. You only experience so many syllabus weeks in your life, might as well make it memorable with some good ol’ fashioned arson. -Don’t do any reading. At all. Why are you even reading this? Stop now.
HOW TO RELOAD ON FRIENDS
POINT/COUNTERPOINT: SOCKS
SINCE YOU’RE ALREADY A SOCIAL MEDIA STALKER, YOU SHOULD BE A PRO.
FURTHERMORE, WHERE DO WE STAND ON WOOL SOCKS? ITCHY NUISANCE, OR HOURS OF ELECTRIFIED FUN?
PAGE 5
PAGE 6