The Black Sheep
Fre HeA e...liK rA e-w Bou Ai t M t, Di i l e D Yo Y CY u G r u s u Ys Yet ?
Vol. 5, Issue 2
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
8/29/13 - 9/4/13
the PeRks OF
BeinG a Used BOOk BUYeR By: natHan HEintsCHEL
Another semester is upon VCU students, and if you haven’t had the pleasure of blowing all your beer money on textbooks yet, that time is quickly approaching. Buying new textbooks is an experience that ends with you waking up in a bathtub full of ice and two hastily sewn wounds in your back. Once you figured out why you’re pissing every twenty minutes, you’ll realize that selling your kidneys for new textbooks wasn’t a smart investment because the return on your textbook buyback won’t even net you a kidney membrane. Before you take yet another hit of chloroform in that sketchy apartment on the south side of Richmond, just buy used textbooks instead — believe us, there are more benefits to buying used books besides being able to keep your internal urine filtration units. Buying used textbooks allows us to pocket extra bucks... or some extra butt. Skim through your used textbooks, and eventually you might see some vital information. No, not the racial themes of Lord of the Flies, but a random address scribbled in the margin. Hit up the place one weekend and who knows? You might have just stumbled on an exclusive sexy sorority ABC party. Now you’re crotch deep in skin pillows, and it’s all thanks to some hand-me-down text from a good, perverted Samaritan. Pervs make the world go round. Perk number dos of buying used textbooks? Previous owners have read and highlighted passages (aka done all the work) for you! Now you, the used textbook buyer, reap all the benefits. Say you’re stuck in some BS major requirement that’s going to give you a D and murder your GPA in cold blood. Alas, you just bought the Half-Blood Prince equivalent of your Theoretical Calculus and Physics Inversions book, and it turns out Stephen Hawking was the last owner. Now, not only do you have all the answers to the tests, but also a list of the TAs who put out the most. So while you spend your class time crushing virtual candy, you can have the peace of mind that you’ll crush the class. We live in a capitalistic society, and our investments are often based on their return. So like any good capitalistic American, you can make a profit on your book. Skip selling your books to the vampiric bookstores and find someone who needs the book. Reach a hand out to your fellow ramen slurper and tell him he’ll get to eat for another week. Undercutting the
bookstore makes you a hero to the book buyer since he gets to keep his kidneys, and it allows you to make your money back while possibly scoring the address to the most asstastic orgy of the year. Remember, hit the books, and you could hit the booty. Please heed our advice and reap the benefits. The money your parents
send you every two weeks will not support your “extracurricular” activities, and the money you save from buying the used textbooks will be essential during the opening weeks of fall semester. The small amount of keesh you save with used books will last you until middle semester, when you saving have to whore out your meal plan for a dented can of PBR. The struggle doesn’t have to be too real.
PaGe 6
PaGe 9
Bus FAre Ain’t FAir!
soCiAllY AwKwArD in tHe CitY
FRee TRaNSIT paSSeS FOR STUDeNTS! aNYONe? aNYONe?
FOR The TUMBlR-lOVING INTROVeRT, FINDING SOMeONe TO “DaTe” caN Be TOUGh.
wHAt it MeAns to Be “tHAt GuY”
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IN ShORT, IT MeaNS UGGGhhhhhh.