VCU - Issue 2 - 8/29/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

Fre HeA e...liK rA e-w Bou Ai t M t, Di i l e D Yo Y CY u G r u s u Ys Yet ?

Vol. 5, Issue 2

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

8/29/13 - 9/4/13

the PeRks OF

BeinG a Used BOOk BUYeR By: natHan HEintsCHEL

Another semester is upon VCU students, and if you haven’t had the pleasure of blowing all your beer money on textbooks yet, that time is quickly approaching. Buying new textbooks is an experience that ends with you waking up in a bathtub full of ice and two hastily sewn wounds in your back. Once you figured out why you’re pissing every twenty minutes, you’ll realize that selling your kidneys for new textbooks wasn’t a smart investment because the return on your textbook buyback won’t even net you a kidney membrane. Before you take yet another hit of chloroform in that sketchy apartment on the south side of Richmond, just buy used textbooks instead — believe us, there are more benefits to buying used books besides being able to keep your internal urine filtration units. Buying used textbooks allows us to pocket extra bucks... or some extra butt. Skim through your used textbooks, and eventually you might see some vital information. No, not the racial themes of Lord of the Flies, but a random address scribbled in the margin. Hit up the place one weekend and who knows? You might have just stumbled on an exclusive sexy sorority ABC party. Now you’re crotch deep in skin pillows, and it’s all thanks to some hand-me-down text from a good, perverted Samaritan. Pervs make the world go round. Perk number dos of buying used textbooks? Previous owners have read and highlighted passages (aka done all the work) for you! Now you, the used textbook buyer, reap all the benefits. Say you’re stuck in some BS major requirement that’s going to give you a D and murder your GPA in cold blood. Alas, you just bought the Half-Blood Prince equivalent of your Theoretical Calculus and Physics Inversions book, and it turns out Stephen Hawking was the last owner. Now, not only do you have all the answers to the tests, but also a list of the TAs who put out the most. So while you spend your class time crushing virtual candy, you can have the peace of mind that you’ll crush the class. We live in a capitalistic society, and our investments are often based on their return. So like any good capitalistic American, you can make a profit on your book. Skip selling your books to the vampiric bookstores and find someone who needs the book. Reach a hand out to your fellow ramen slurper and tell him he’ll get to eat for another week. Undercutting the

bookstore makes you a hero to the book buyer since he gets to keep his kidneys, and it allows you to make your money back while possibly scoring the address to the most asstastic orgy of the year. Remember, hit the books, and you could hit the booty. Please heed our advice and reap the benefits. The money your parents

send you every two weeks will not support your “extracurricular” activities, and the money you save from buying the used textbooks will be essential during the opening weeks of fall semester. The small amount of keesh you save with used books will last you until middle semester, when you saving have to whore out your meal plan for a dented can of PBR. The struggle doesn’t have to be too real.

PaGe 6

PaGe 9

Bus FAre Ain’t FAir!

soCiAllY AwKwArD in tHe CitY

FRee TRaNSIT paSSeS FOR STUDeNTS! aNYONe? aNYONe?

FOR The TUMBlR-lOVING INTROVeRT, FINDING SOMeONe TO “DaTe” caN Be TOUGh.

wHAt it MeAns to Be “tHAt GuY”

PaGe 5

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IN ShORT, IT MeaNS UGGGhhhhhh.

>> taBLe OF COntents << PaGE 4: tHanKs For sHoPPinG at...

>> The story of a boy who sometimes works at a shitty grocery store.

PaGE 6: toP 10: Ways to Piss oFF tHE ProFs

>> The best ways to be that little asshole who drives every professor to the drink.

PaGE 7: on tHE strEEts

>> If you were a mermaid would you want your top or bottom half to be the first part?

PaGEs 10-11: tHE LEast antiCiPatED aLBUMs oF FaLL 2013

>> From Jack Johnson to Drake, we look at the albums that we probably won’t look at again.

PaGE 12: BartEnDEr oF tHE WEEK

>> Chante from Piccolas is not impressed by Miley’s tweaking.

PaGE 12: rECiPE For DisastEr

>> FINALLY, we make a late-night treat with that delicious day-old Jimmy John’s bread.

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LamentiOn

WORD

The sad moment the morning after a hard night of drinking in which one person recalls an embarrassing, forgotten memory to another person. “rebecca’s lamention of sandra’s dance floor pee party caused sandra to lock herself in her room for the rest of sunday night.”

of the

WEEK GUESS THE MASCOT Tweet Us @BlackSheep_VcU First right answer wins a prize! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: OHIO STATE’S BRUTUS

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CELEBRITY BEFORE & AFTER Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_VCU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

A duo of divas, likely to release “Justify My Love to Love You Baby.” Last Week’s Answer: Harvey Milk and Cookies

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The following story details the awkwardness of a negligent college student about to enter a grocery store hes sometimes works at before leaving for school for three months. His shitty boss didn’t know he was in town, and oh boy, does he get his comeuppance.

shOPPinG at...

It’s a crisp Sunday afternoon. My blank stare turns sour as I pull up to the Wal-Mart parking lot, getting a good view of the clusterfuck of cars honking and screeching and scraping, trying to find a way through this maze.

By: LorEnZo

John, the newest manager. The one who grilled me his first week at the store for going on break when I wasn’t supposed to do so. The one who said he would sleep well at night if his complaints got me fired. After helping a customer find the Febreze, his gaze shifts away and locks on to me. Standing on opposite sides of the aisle, I imagine him staring at me like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill; a red film over his face, memories of me laughing it up with my co-workers, getting him demoted, sleeping with his wife, and then, the manic eye twitch.

While scanning to find an open space so I don’t have to wait for an 80-something year-old lady to caterpillar creep her way out of one, my wandering eyes land on two women in a heated argument. One of them has a British accent, which is very refreshing. The other lady is screaming and throwing her arms around her scratched up Scion Xb like a band conductor on Red Bull and ecstasy. Tuning in and out of the conversation, I catch a few barbs, like “Americans think they own EVERYTHING!” from the British woman, and “you’re way fatter than me!” from the Scion woman. My favorite one is, “I hope your food spoils, so when you eat it your throat closes up and you choke on your own vomit!” Get ‘em, Scion lady.

I have three options: One, walk past him and say “hello” like nothing’s wrong. Two, walk the other way out of the aisle like I didn’t see him. Or three, drop my basket, scream, “DON’T TOUCH ME THERE!” and run like hell.

I finally park and open my door very slightly. The car next to me is too close, so I have to Indiana Jones my way out. I walk through the sliding doors, grab a green basket, and enter the fray. I walk across the store, trying not to make eye contact with any managers. I work here part time, and neglected to let any of them know that I was in town for the weekend. I just want to grab some Tide and fish filets, then dip like a baptism. Then I see him.

“Hey,” John says, and keeps walking.

I choose the one that exhibits the least amount of bitch-assedness. I walk towards him, forehead sweating, mind racing. What if he fires me in front of the whole store? What if he confiscates my discount card? What if he traps me in another extremely long, drawn out lecture and I miss the first ten minutes of Breaking Bad? The tension is maiming my psyche… “Hey,” I say.

Nailed it! Time to ring up my stuﬀ and leave this place. The cashier, who has Brad on his nametag asks me, “Are plastic bags ok, sir?” “They’re okay Brad. They’re just perfect.” “Um, ok.”

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Villains! How far must the establishment fall? How many bites must you take from the poisoned apple of avid avarice? Taking the bus is depressing enough; must we bring the whips down upon our own torture sessions? Earlier in this year of our Lord, the powers that be at VCU made the Mensa-level decision to tax their precious students even more by adding a fee to the GRTC transit pass, which gives thousands of off-campus students transportation to and from our place of learning. The school said the decision was made in order to “reduce costs” and “make our operations more efficient.” We commoners thought the school would take better care of the cash cows they milk dry every day. How shall the student live under this period of outright tyranny? We give and give our money, our brains, and our colons to the cause of this Commonwealth University of Virginia. We put our coal-filled hands into the fire in order to make our diamonds. But you, you fiends! You rip off our arms once the diamonds are crafted, allowing us to pull back bloody nubs. If you could take the nubs, you probably would! Prepare yourselves, oh money-hungry malevolent ones, for long lines of students with their thumbs out up and down Broad Street. Prepare for students selling their bodies for transportation, holding signs reading, “Will give a ride to get a ride.” And prepare for the dark

horsemen, riding their bikes and chariots across town and flipping birds while doing wheelies past the now immobile student body. This place used to be a four-wheel town. It belongs to the Sons of Anarchy now. Surely, most merciful VCU Gods, you could find other areas to pillage from. Why do you empty out your pockets to these B-list rappers who perform at homecoming? We have heard their songs about 15,000 times; we’ll be okay if we don’t hear it for the 15,001st time if it means we can ride the bus for free. We tire of people who’ve already tasted the sweet ambrosia of success, when they tell us to believe in all of our wildest dreams, while also screaming that their dirtiest pair of shoes could buy our childhood. Local musicians would be delighted to perform for students if it meant getting a warm meal and money for hot water in their matchbox apartments. Lauren McClellan, someone who’s been attending this university since 2010, said “We already pay VCU enough to attend school here... we shouldn’t have to pay so much just to GET TO CLASS.” She saw the new fees and responded, “Aw, HELL naw!” so she made a petition, garnering over 1000 supporters. Lauren, we at The Black Sheep respect your HAVOC-like determination. We shall rally around you, shouting the loud cries of freedom from the grimy Richmond

streets! It’s time to tell the heads of our school that we need our $100 for books, bread, and booze, not the bus! We demand the best treatment a school can oﬀer! We demand that we leave these campus grounds after four years with a sense of hope and dignity, not a feeling of having our souls and wallets ravaged by the establishment! The road to a degree is tough enough without us having to walk the whole way there, sober as the revered Mormons. Please, find and sign Lauren’s GRTC petition on Change.org.

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SoCIaLLy aWKWaRD TOP TEN in the CitY

WaYs tO Piss OFF the PROFs By: VCU staFF

As the semester gets rolling, The Black Sheep encourages you to make the best of your education and not screw around. Unless it’s with a professor! Here are the ten best ways to be that little asshole who drives every professor to the drink. 10.) Cell Phones: We all know every professor hates when a cell phone goes oﬀ, so use that to your advantage. Hack the VCU Text Alert system and send out some bogus story. Rodney’s been kidnapped! He’s demanding free season passes as ransom! 9.) Double-r Mix Up: Get a Reuban Rodriguez look-a-like to sit in a random spot in the classroom. When class starts, have him stand up and shout, “All of you have the day oﬀ!” Please compensate the families of anyone who falls victim to the stampede. 8.) the snitch: Put a golden Snitch on the professor’s desk. In the middle of class, have a member of VCU’s Quidditch team sprint through on a broom, grab the Snitch, and scream “Got it! We win!” Have streamers and confetti ready for throwing. 7.) HaVoC Mouth: If you have to give a speech or present a project, try to inconspicuously slip the word havoc into almost every sentence. Make sure you give a light fist pump every time you say it. Don’t worry; the professor might see through your bullshit, but everyone else will just think you’re trying to make the proper hand gestures. Everyone’s scared of public speaking, so they’ll be jealous of how well you handle it.

By: saBrina FULLEr It’s that time of the year again, folks. Being on campus means seeing more of the opposite sex than you ever did back at home. There’s someone for everyone here at VCU. Hipsters, jocks, computer geeks, loners, bikers, stoners, streakers, stalkers... the list goes on and on. It’s easy enough to scout potential mating material. But for the introverted, Tumblr-loving, socially awkward gang it can be tough to actually find someone to *le gasp* date. Have no fear, The Black Sheep has your back on this one. First you need to determine the hot spots to meet people of the opposite or same sex. A good place for quiet people to meet other quiet people is on the “silent floor” of Cabell Library. The first step is eye contact — an introvert’s worst enemy. Looking at someone and being looked at can be pretty uncomfortable. Don’t worry, just try to keep your game face on. Look at your person of interest the same way you look at your blog feed: intently, but not not overtly sexual. Another good idea is to give a small smile to let the person know that you’re approachable. If you can’t muster up a shy grin at least try to pull out a grimace. The tricky part about flirting on the silent floor? You guessed it — the librarians. Librarians are notorious sex-haters, so once you’ve made your connections, take things to the next level, literally. Monroe Park after dark is another great place to meet people — some of the most violent and homeless interesting and exciting people at VCU cross through Monroe right around midnight. You can really sit down on a bench, fountain, or a pledging freshman and take some time to get to know someone new. If it’s just the two of you

there’s also a lot less social pressure to be loud and over the top in order to get attention. If he asks you to borrow money for his bus ticket back to Charlottesville, run away.

6.) twerk ambush: Pretend you’re the president of a student organization trying to get students to join. After about the third sentence, pull a boombox out of your backpack and re-enact the Spring Twerkfest! You’ll get double points if you can Skype Miley Cyrus in via the large projector. 5.) the Chase: As soon as class starts, let a hungry ram loose in the lecture hall. Someone will get bitten, so send out a mass email to everyone in your class the day before to wear knee pads, thick clothing, and cups.

You don’t have to be a Christian to crash a good mass once in awhile. The Cathedral of the Sacred Heart loves (read: is obsessed with) VCU students. You’ll be welcomed into the church with open arms as long as you don’t outwardly declare your undying love for Satan. You can meet some nice people at church, everyone knows that. And since it’s a Catholic church and not a southern Baptist church it will actually be okay for you to be quiet and reserved. As a socially awkward human being those can be two of your most prominent traits right? Well then, problem solved! Sacred Heart lists their mass schedule online, so get to it. The last great place to meet people on campus is an elevator. It doesn’t matter what building you’re in or what floor you’re going to. Elevators are the perfect place for serendipitous happenstance, so you should serendipitously ride an elevator for hours at a time. When someone finally gets on, the first step in this situation is to actually, you know, say something — but don’t mumble. You can yell at your laptop screen during an episode of Orange is the New Black but you can’t amplify your voice a little when you say hello to another human. Come on, all you have to do is extend the hand in conversation. But don’t fart; it’s like a locked safe in there. Armed with these tasty tips, there’s no way you won’t be able to find someone to watch Top Chef with this semester.

4.) ram it!: Before class starts, put a stack of animal porn magazines on the desk (featuring ramming rams). Make sure it’s open to a page where they’re really going at each other, horns flying, hooves stomping. Sit in the front row and stare at your dumbstruck professor, biting your finger seductively. Double points if you’re wearing a Rodney costume. 3.) nahWHaaat!: Have one of the slam poets from the Nahuatl group sit in your class. When they are called on to answer a question, have them perform a 5-minute, extremely emotional, thoughtprovoking poem. Hm, the teacher might actually like that. 2.) Video switch: Replace your professor’s regularly scheduled video selection with a video called “This is your stomach on Shafer!” A montage of puke vids from Youtube should follow. 1.) the smart: Get the entire class to wear bald caps and suits to look like Shaka Smart. When the professor shows the first Powerpoint, have everyone jump out of their seat and yell “SCREEN!”

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS FROM AROUND CAMPUS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS iF YOU WeRe a meRmaid, WOULd YOU RatheR haVe YOUR tOP haLF OR BOttOm haLF Be a Fish? ior kyle J., Jun

“top half fish. i want a man penis and fish gills, i don’t want no fishstick!”

Junior Brandon s.,

“Bottom; i don’t know no reason, just the bottom.”

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“i think backflips would be easier with a fish bottom than a fish top. so i’m gonna have to go with a fish bottom.”

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games then you could ever play.

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What it means to be "that guy" By: Brian Barsotti

During your first week back at school you’ll probably notice at least one eccentric fellow in your new classes. He’ll have a number of bizarre personal traits that make him stand out from the crowd right away. It may be his Ren & Stimpy backpack, he may eat grapefruit in the front row each day, or maybe he preaches about eternal damnation. Well, that guy fits a certain archetype that is known as “That Guy.”

referring to That Guy.

That Guy is weird, and not in the mild “my friends and I can be so weird sometimes” sense. No, That Guy is more than that: he’s way out in left field. That Guy is the kind of guy who uses duct tape to repair rips in clothing. He’s like Cosmo Kramer, except less racist. And there are quite a few of ‘em roaming the world, so if you happen to run into a “That Guy,” here’s roughly what you should expect:

That Guy spends much of his spare time attempting to make new inventions, despite having no formal background in engineering.

That Guy flosses his teeth every day. That Guy reads instruction manuals before starting projects, so that he knows exactly what he’s doing beforehand. He’s also not afraid to ask for directions when lost on campus.

That Guy has memorized the list of all the people who've ever served on the VCU Student Senate.

That Guy looks over the fire escape map of each building he steps foot in. It’s sort of a hobby of his.

That Guy refuses to have sex with a woman, no matter how beautiful she is, unless she’s seen every episode of Twin Peaks. And even then, he has strict standards.

That Guy practices Mario Party by himself.

That Guy goes to Hooters for the wings.

That Guy’s favorite band is Dexys Midnight Runners. Everybody knows Dexys Midnight Runners for their song “Come On Eileen,” but That Guy owns all of the LPs, singles, compilations and bootlegs ever produced from this one-hit wonder. He doesn't even consider "Come On Eileen" to be one of their better songs.

That Guy’s most cherished movie is Bio-Dome. He watches it three times a week.

That Guy reads the business section of The Richmond Times-Dispatch for fun. That Guy hosts parties, but the only entertainment he provides is Risk and Tiddlywinks. Somehow, though, his parties always turn out to be some of the most popular in at the University of Richmond. That Guy has no strong opinions on Justin Bieber. That Guy lost his virginity before receiving his first kiss. Whenever people say that they “know a guy who knows a guy,” they’re

That Guy is a real character, but he’s definitely not the type of character you’d feel comfortable around. He’s more the type of character who warrants a restraining order, although he technically hasn’t done anything wrong yet. Unfortunately, many people are stuck with a “That Guy” in their lives. You could very well have one in a class of yours, or worse yet, as your new roommate. And if that is indeed the case, then maybe it’s best to just deal with it. Learn to appreciate That Guy’s unconventional antics. Who knows? Perhaps we do need That Guy in our lives to show us what life is really about. After all, life isn’t about following social etiquette and always wearing clothes. Life is about having fun and going against the grain, and That Guy is just the guy to remind us that. So the next time you hear somebody get told, “Oh, you’re THAT GUY,” you might want to follow his example. Even if he is being an ass.

The Least-Anticipated 2013 has been a fantastic year for music. With great new releases from Youth Lagoon, Chance The Rapper, Vampire Weekend, Pity Sex, Major Lazer and The World is a Beautiful Place & I am no Longer Afraid to Die, you would hope the final third of this year of our lord has something great in store.

hall of Fame Big Sean - August 27th Big Sean is a hack who pairs a massive ego with miniscule rhymes. Dude raps like he has a mouth full of wind chimes and his best song has a Nicki Minaj verse on it. Big Sean is on that CyHi level on G.O.O.D Music where you just wonder why the hell Ye’ still keeps him on there, but at least CyHi has “Ray-Ban Vision” and his verse on “So Appalled.” Big Sean’s claim to fame is the phrase “ass quake.” Next time someone tells you that the Detroit mixtape is one of the best albums of 2012, break their jaw. Big Sean thinks his verse on “Control” (which won’t even be on the album) was better than Kendrick’s or Jay Electronica’s because Big Sean is the EXACT type of pompous jackass who would read how much praise someone besides him is getting on a song he’s on, only to get jealous about the pub, so he says he’s better. He’s the guy who not only will jump off the bridge if everyone else is doing it, but he’ll jump off the Ambassador Bridge, claim that it was cooler than everyone else who jumped off the Golden Gate, and say that anyone who disagrees is a hater.

PRediCtiOn: Certiﬁed Platinum

Speaking of taking a plunge, Big Sean needs to find a void to fall in, never to return to plague us with rhymes as lame as “Now we out in Paris, yeah I'm Perriering / White girls politicking, that's that Sarah Palin.” Every day, nursing home geriatrics take shits hotter than the best Big Sean verse out there. This album is going to absolutely suck, yet will go platinum, making it a commercial success but an absolute waste of musical talent surrounding Sean Michael Anderson. Not even production from arguably the hottest producer out right now in Hit-Boy, who created the beat for “Goldie,” “N***s in Paris,” and “Clique,” can save Big Sean from audibly tripping over his own feet trying to pronounce a word with more than two syllables.

From here to now to You Jack Johnson - (Sept. 17th) Everyone listening to this album will be too stoned or too stupid to realize that Jack Johnson is the worst. Every single Jack Johnson song sounds the same. That sentiment gets used often in music, but never has it been quite so apt. Seriously, go put on Jack Johnson Radio on Pandora or something and try to figure out when one song ends and another begins. We’ll wait. Oh you fell asleep already? Sorry about that. Anyway, we need another Jack Johnson album like we need another Olive Garden. The parallells between the two are eerie.There are already plenty, and they are all perfectly mediocre and should never be utilized by sentient beings, yet there’ll always be someone convinced to go back for the breadsticks. Or something like that. The next album has just about zero chance to be any diﬀerent. If Jack Johnson suddenly becomes something other than generic shitty stoner guitar music, it would cause a rip in the space-time continuum, letting in massive terrifying, spliﬀed monsters that would demand all of our couches and all of our Cheetos. If he drops something that’s not bland guitar and soft vocals, we’d be more frightened than impressed. Expect more of the same, unfortunately. Maybe he will just re-release “Banana Pancakes” and stretch it for like 45 minutes. That’s probably better than whatever this will be.

PRediCtiOn: Certiﬁed OG Kush

Albums of Fall 2013 Unfortunately, you would be wrong, as there is plenty of music scheduled to be released that is sure to be nothing short of an atrocity. Here are the five albums I’m least excited for in the Fall of 2013. By: Noel Purcell

nothing Was the same Drake - September 24th Stupid Drake. He still has that same monotone drawl that lulls you to sleep, and that same boring, lazy flow that makes him perfect in every generic white girl’s sex playlist on Spotify, nestled in between The Weeknd and “Burn” by Usher. The evolution of Drake has been commercial rather than musical, because in the end he is still exactly what he was when Best I Ever Had dropped in 2009: a soft, shitty, whiny fuckboy. Between the overrated, overstated, and wholly underwhelming cryfest that is Take Care and the absolute trainwreck that is “Started From the Bottom” (a song so soft that white bread suburban teenagers sipping bottles of Moet poolside while the maids clean the house took to it like ducks to water) the odds that we end up with anything more than Charmin Ultra Soft disc’s worth of music is merely wishful thinking. The album covers don’t bode well for this thing not sucking. That shit looks like what you’d get if you told someone to make a Drake album cover specifically designed to make fun of the other Drake album covers. He took the Nas/Biggie/Weezy route of the baby picture and then, in classic Drake fashion, made it the absolute softest and most uncool shit humanly possible, but 17-year old white girls will be all “Oh my god he’s so sensitive, this is what all hip-hop should be” while they finger themselves to pictures of Matthew McCconaughey, watch Gilmore Girls, and search Pinterest to design their dream wedding. Drake has oﬃcially earned the crown of the lamest rapper on the planet.

PRediCtiOn: Certiﬁed Double Platinum

this is...icona Pop Icona Pop - September 24th Man, “I Love It” was a fun song for like ten minutes, wasn’t it? It started getting serious play after being featured on episodes of both Snooki & JWoww and Girls, which is as bad of an omen as there is. It was catchy and fun and easy, it was basically the perfect piece of pop music. Then you heard it another fifty times, and after a while a chorus of sorority girls screaming “I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT!” and hounding you to change the song for three hours haunts your dreams and you wake up in a cold sweat, longing for the days where you could just say “sorry we don’t have the CD burned for it yet.” This is a song whose single release, in various formats, has produced no less than 21 diﬀerent remixes. 21. Talk about sucking the fat teat of fame dry. Anyway, Icona Pop is perfectly harmless as a synthpop duo, which is exactly why we’re not anticipating this album’s release. They say they’re trying new things and that it “Won’t be an album of 16 songs like ‘I Love It’,” which is exactly where they are messing up. True, they caught lightning in a bottle, and true Charli XCX (who was the reason “I Love It” was as successful as it was) is not a permanent member of the band, but if you can make quality, catchy pop music, stick to it. In the end they can either end up as a generic one-hit wonder that more or less encapsulated the spring of 2013, try something new and probably fail, or they stick to their strategy make another successful, catchy pop song. They don’t seem to want to do the last one, so this album will be the beginning of perpetual dissatisfaction for the entirety of the life of this band.

PRediCtiOn: Silver Record

Untitled Fourth studio album

Arcade Fire - Oct. 29th There is no more boring yet more universally praised album in 2010 than The Suburbs. “But it won a Grammy!” you say as we laugh in your face because using a Grammy as a measuring stick for the merit of a piece of music is like using the 30-inch rims on a guy’s Escalade as a measurement for his dick size. Remember, LMFAO has two Grammy nominations. Cut it out. Now, there are plenty of reasons one should be anticipating this album. LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy has been in the studio with Arcade Fire, recording them in his DFA studio! Funeral was really good! Win Butler does cool things with his hair! Wrong, oh so wrong. Pouring hype into this album will just leave you utterly disappointed when you hear 22 songs that sound like “We Used to Wait,” causing you to give up all hope in what you used to call indie music. Before you know it you’ll start listening to Lady Gaga religiously. Arcade Fire is the go-to “real” band for faux hipster girls who like to wear Indian headdresses and roll at MGMT concerts. It takes a lot to make Wayne Coyne think you’re an asshole, and these guys found a way. Enjoy what will surely be a universallypanned yet ultimately completely mediocre piece of profitable “indie” rock while you pretend you know who Brian Eno is. This album is going to eat a dick.

PRediCtiOn: Certiﬁed Platinum

BaRtendeR of the Week relationship status: Single Major: Mass Communications

Favorite shot: Rum or vodka

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: Cheese that literally tasted like a cow’s ass. The smell lingered forever!

Disgusting Drink: Sex with an Alligator — all I remember is the Jäger, which haunts me to this day.

What’s your favorite old-school slang term?: “The jam!” My mom and I use that term all the time.

you’ll celebrate Labor Day with what in your right hand?: Homemade Sangria. if a superhero movie was made about you, what would be the villain’s name?: DJ Scibble Scrabble.

Which “sexy” celebrity disgusts you?: Miley Cyrus, her VMA performance was cringeworthy.

Favorite drink: Lemondrop

What college-level class are you most qualiﬁed to teach?: A 200 level history class.

Chante of Piccolas dRinkinG Game

Justice?: Sotomayor, she’s fiery, funny, and works for human rights.

if you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: A charity that works to end food deserts. Who is the sexiest supreme Court

Good beer or bad wine?: Good beer. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done in public?: Puking in a cup at Don’t Look Back. Too much cheap wine. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s the best publication for finding the best restaurants and all the interesting things that happen in Richmond. Plus, it’s hilarious!

ReCiPe FOR disasteR

Frat Party Observations

Oven-Baked 50-Cent Pizza

This week you will encounter a phenomenon that primarily happens at the beginning of the school year. There will be hundreds of them, and they will all suck as much as the next one. We’re talking, of course, about frat parties. You will go to them whether you want to or not, and you will smell like expired, Keystone Lightinfused sweat for weeks. To cope with the madness, try this game.

Sometimes you really want pizza but just can’t justify spending another $10 at Papa John’s for the third time this week. That’s okay! Here’s a solution: 50-cent day old bread from Jimmy John’s and a couple supplies from the kitchen.

What you’ll need: Beer, a party, and frat bros and sorority sisters to stare at. number of Players: One (this game is a bit anti-social and creepy.) Level of intoxication: Varies from house to house.

What you’ll need: An oven, a loaf of Jimmy John’s Day Old Bread, one jar of your favorite pasta sauce, shredded cheese, veggies (onions or peppers), garlic, oregano, and chicken/ pepperoni/sausage/all of the above Cook time: 20 minutes Fatty Factor: It’s not the best…

How to Play: - Find a place to post up inside a house where you blend in just enough so some kid wearing an obnoxiously fluorescent “FRAT FRAT FRAT” tank won’t approach you. - Get yourself a couple beers so you don’t have to constantly go over to the tub of pneumoniainducing ice water. Now look. Really look at what is happening at this gathering and drink when: - Someone continues to play beer pong with the ball that has been rolling around the same floor the pledges had to piss all over the night before. - A helpless girl is crying for no apparent reason (there will be four or more).

- You spot Sperry Topsiders (if they are a chalky shade of blue or green, finish your beer). - You witness dancing that would have been illegal 30 years ago. - King “Player” and his “princess for the night” won’t stop sucking face. - A girl in the corner on her phone asks, “Lindsey, where are you? Why did you leave?” - A girl comments on how disgusting the bathrooms are (bonus drinks are encouraged if you politely remind her that she’s in a freaking frat, not her rich grandparents’ lake house). - When a dude comes up and asks, “Who do you know here?” - That one guy—who clearly practiced flippy cup in his garage all summer by himself—wins the third game in a row.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. - Slice your loaf of Day Old to your desired length and open it up so it lays flat. - Layer your toppings on the bread like you would on a pizza, starting with the sauce, the cheese and any chopped vegetables. - If you’re adding any meat on top, cook it if necessary (either on the grill or in a skillet). - Put your meat on top of the pizza bread and sprinkle on some garlic and oregano. - Place the pizza on a pan and into the oven for 10-15 or until the cheese is melted and the bread is crispy. You can basically toss anything onto this bad boy, and it’s guaranteed to be delicious. Plus, your bank account will love it.

the Game Ends When: The tub runs dry. Then it’s oﬀ to the next house!

dOWnLOad OUR FRee aPP FOR aLL the Games! 12

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6 degrees of seperation

MILEY CYRUS TO

MILA KUNIS THESE TWO ARE CONNECTED BY 6 DIFFERENT PEOPLE. IF YOU KNOW WHO, AND HOW, TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_VCU. FIRST 3 RIGHT ANSWERS GET A PRIZE!

The Seek and Find

This bookstore is filled with 10 stacks of fat cash. Can you find them all? Email your answers to seekfind@theblacksheeponline.com - The first three right get a prize!

BALL VARIETIES aCross 2) A ballistic this send warheads to a predetermined target. 4) The technical term for your man’s balls. 5) Lebron James, Michael Jordan, etc. 9) Foooore! 10) These high class ladies would attend a ball. 14) Ball State University is located in this state. 15) 30-Love 17) Soccer for the U.S. 18) This type of dance often happens on the ball of the foot. 19) Our beloved president is notoriously bad at this sport. 20) These popular pet snakes have a ball variety. DoWn 1) When a guy doesn’t get his rocks oﬀ, two words. 3) Football for the rest of the world.

6) “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston is considered one of her greatest what? 7) Pizza cheese that comes in the shape of a ball. 8) “N****s in Paris (Ball So Hard)” came oﬀ of which album? 11) Sophisticated pool 12) Most popular game in Australia, played with a bat and ball. 13) If your s/o is a pain in your ass, they might be your ball and this. 16) Girls in Spandex play this.

Meet The staFF CAMPUS MANAGER Kenneth Jordan EDITORIAL MANAGER Lorenzo Simpson ADVERTISING MANAGERS Tyler Harvey Erica Mirra, Joshua Sadler WRITERS Lorenzo Simpson, Nathan Heintschel, Kalsey Hanratty Sabrina Fuller, Ciara Roman

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disCLaimeR The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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8/16/13 2:47 PM