The Black Sheep
FR E st E... l ud ik en e t t s he b ec tio lac k n at eye th y e S ou t. J go oe t i n ’s ga the me !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_vcu
Volume 4, Issue 2 • 1/24/13 - 1/30/13
Dr. Fakelove, or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Fake Having a Girlfriend vcu staff wrote this So, life has you down? Classes a grind? Depressed because you can’t figure out where Jamba Juice is located? It’s going to be okay, if only your friends would stop asking you when you’re going to get a girlfriend or boyfriend! Maybe you don’t want one -- you’re a big beautiful truck who don’t need no man. But shit, people are really persistent when it comes to this sort of thing. They start to ask questions, like, “Why did you get two burritos if you’re just going home alone?” (that question answers itself, doesn’t it?) or, “Do you do anything besides run a Madden franchise and write comedy articles?” (the Dolphins aren’t going to lead themselves out of mediocrity). Well, enough is enough. The Black Sheep has dug through the middle school playbook and found the perfect solution: you’re going to invent a signifcant other. “But The Black Sheep,” you begin. Let us interject; it’s Dr. The Black Sheep. We did not get our doctorate in comedy to be addressed as “The Black Sheep.” “But Dr. The Black Sheep, isn’t it dangerous to have a fake boo? Notre Dame just had a big scandal with Manti Te’o!” To that we say, eh, maybe. The thing you have to keep in mind is that you’re not a star linebacker at the largest football program in the country. You are not a blip on anyone’s radar. If the world were VCU, your significance as an individual would be about equal to those fliers for dubstep shows that get passed around in the Compass. Plus, we’re not going to make the mistakes that those Fighting Irish scrubs did. First, no high profile schools for your fake ladyfriend or boytoy. Stanford? Easily verified, has a significant alumni pool, maybe overly ambitious (seriously, you’re you, why would anyone who got into a good school want to be your internet date?). Nothing doing there, shoot for something more obscure, but believable. It should be reasonably far away to explain why they don’t visit, intriguing enough to spin a story around, and common enough to where people don’t poke around too much. For the sake of this article, let’s pretend your fake hook-up goes to… Wyoming. It helps to know about the university that you’re pretending to date someone from, so Wyoming’s mascot is the Cowboys, it’s located in Laramie, and Dick Cheney went to school there. This should be enough to keep anyone from thinking it’s just something that you made up. “Your girlfriend goes to Wyoming?” “Yep, she’s a big Cowboys fan and Dick Cheney went there!” “Fair enough, I totally believe she exists!” *high five*. Second, no fake social media accounts. One, you’d have to interact with it, which is just depressing. It’s the technological equivalent of practicing kissing with your pillow (Ed. note: As the staff consists solely of sexhavers, we cannot confirm whether or not people still kiss their pillows). Two, it leads to questions: “Why did this social media account just come into existence? Why don’t they have a lot of friends? Why are all of their profile pics airbrushed or just stock images of flowers?” Remember, you created a fake girlfriend or boyfriend to avoid answering questions about your personal life; the last thing you want to do is talk about someone else’s life, especially when they don’t exist in the first place. If anyone questions why the ethereal hookup has no social media presence, explain that they’re pretty much the biggest hipster you know, which is why they’re going to Wyoming. It’s ironic. Keep everything simple and you won’t have to juggle lies. Third, have an exit strategy. You can milk the long-distance-fake-partner for about three months, but then you gotta ditch that fake bitch. You’ll be given about a month of grieving time after that by the people around you. You won’t actually be sad, but fake it. It’ll make the whole thing believable, and people like to feel like they’ve given you some sort of unconditional support. You may wonder, “Why three months?” Well, that’s about the time you’ll have before people start asking, “So when is he/she
The Bar Star’s Manifesto The brightest flame burns only half as long, broseidon.
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going to visit?” Tell people you have Skype dates to keep in touch, and use this time to take up a hobby, like woodworking, or ball handling (in hopes of walking onto the Rams next season) (Ed. note: It’s much easier to walk on as a shooter than a point guard, everyone needs a guy who can stand in the corner and make threes). Eventually, what you’re going to want to do is have one of these Skype dates “go wrong” (do not practice your hobby that night, you don’t want to explain to people why you have a whittling kit out in your apartment) and then call a friend, distraught over your long-distance relationship. Your friend may smugly reassure you that it was a bad idea to ever get involved with someone over the internet, especially long distance; this is good, because they will be too busy patting themselves on the back to examine anything too closely. If it all goes smoothly, people might even recognize that yes, you are a human being capable of having human feelings for another human, and therefore not feel the need to worry about your sex life! Sure, it might seem like a lot of work for a few months without people bugging you about your significant other, but you can’t put a price on peace of mind.
what'’s inside
The Black Sheep’s Guide to Fitting In
Bartender of the Week
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page 12
The best part is that you don’t have to wear any BAPE to do it!
Jennifer from Cary Street Cafe reveals the secrets of purple drank.