The Black Sheep
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Volume 3, Issue 2 10/4/12 - 10/10/12
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Navigating the Artsy Fartsy Areas of VCU Aaron Stein wrote this
VCU is a jungle inhabited by an eclectic mix of colorful deviants, prolific artists, canny hipsters, and empirical intellectuals. With VCU being such a diverse (and frankly, weird) place, it could be a cultural shock to some outsiders when they see gangs of blue-headed-mohawk-reppin’, too-tight-to-breathepants-wearing hoodlums. This guide is to help outsiders navigate through the odds and ends of the school and the surrounding city, and to not be alarmed when one sees an art student dressed almost uncannily like a peacock. Whether you’re a regular Joe who drives up I-95 every day for work, or you spend your days panhandling on the corner of Broad and Belvidere, there’s a lot in Richmond to catch your eye - and it’s not just the legions of art students in teal leggings. Rolling hills, endless billboards, and maybe the most appropriately-colored building in the city, the Gay Community Center of Richmond (which features a rainbow color scheme) all add to the feeling that Richmond is a colorful place. On the first Friday of each month, Broad Street hosts the Art Walk. If you’ve never experienced the finest arts, and the people who go with them, do this. Don’t just sit in your dorm watching Hey Arnold! re-runs, go experience some different shit. Relish in the fact that living in a college town offers you insight to cultures and beliefs that might not exist in your hometown. Hell, you might love it so much you yourself could head back down I-95 with an ironic mustache and Canadian tuxedo (denim jeans + denim jacket = Canadian tuxedo). If you really want to dive into a different experience head to the Hat Factory or Strange Matter. You’ll get a tasteful dose of weird, but who knows, maybe you’ll like it. And if you don’t, you don’t… whatever strokes your boat, ya’ know? As overwhelmed as you may feel with the patchwork nature of the city, there’s no need to lose heart. No one bites (unless they’re jacked up on bath salts) and the people here are generally quite friendly (again, except people on bath salts). You could even venture to say most of them are pretty smart (as some of them have just hung around campus for the last 12 years) and might offer some insight to the naïve little frosh you are. As you get older and feel you’ve experience campus-life to its fullest extent, you might find yourself venturing out here a few times. So, getting off the streets and heading into the center of the VCU campus you will find yourself in a smaller, enclosed version of Richmond at large, complete with both Confederate separatists and the art school bleeding heart types. Regardless of where you stand politically, there is always
Surviving as a Night Owl In Richmond
someone obnoxious to be irritated by. The beauty of college, all the different perspectives it can offer, also tends to be the worst part of college. You will inevitably come across Cary Street, a central vein that pumps through the heart of Richmond. Inevitably, you’ll end up passing through Carytown, which is the closest thing to a traditional downtown that you’ll see in Richmond. Carytown houses some of the richest and most artistic parts of the city. That said, it isn’t too unusual to walk into one of the many dive bars in Carytown and see a patron arguing with the one-armed karaoke DJ – this kind of shit happens all the time here, don’t be alarmed. Befriend the one-armed DJ, and you’ll have access to life’s greatest treasure: one-armed high fives. Along with the
what’s inside
Put Your Boozehound on a Leash
bars and restaurants, the stretch of street that makes up Carytown never wants for street entertainment. From the homeless banging on drums to wannabe naked cowboys, to drunk bums singing a swan song - the dynamic performers are plentiful. Many people have said that Carytown was made to look like a small street in New York - don’t let that discourage you from going to the Big Apple. Carytown was made for the culture that inhabits it. Richmond is a creative and outlandish small-big city. VCU is the magnet that draws all types of beliefs, personalities, and strung out grad students-turned alcoholic schizophrenics. We may not be harboring any savage beasts, international fugitives, or endangered animals - but we could if we wanted – we roll like that.
bartender of the week
when the sun goes down the freaks come out.
Whatever you’re doing now, you’ll regret in the morning.
Thomas D. from the Village Cafe has a best friend, and his name is Jameson.
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contents page 7: from the streets
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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How old is your oldest professor? If he was willing, how far would you go for an A?
page 10: Top ten: things to do with time travel
Table of
And no, have sex with all your exes didn’t make the list.
page 10: The Black sheeps Guide to the Apocalypse: Cthulhu Edition Who knew the Great Evil That Sleeps would be such a dick?
page 11: The Black Sheep Interviews Zedd This music maker talks parallels between Skrillex and Justin Bieber.
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Disshertation: Any longwinded, angry diatribe one woman makes towards another woman.
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Surviving as a Night Owl Anthony Vealey wrote this The daylight hours may lay claim to “morning people” and other sun-dependent elitists, but no day-dweller can hold a candle to the ever-stalwart Night Owl. Forever fueled by unreliable streetlights, Night Owls can take in the real, gritty version of Richmond that can only be seen in the wee hours of the morning. Drunken midnight brawlers, screaming pedestrians, and stark mad dumpster divers call out in joy at the sight of the anti-sleepers. Your neighborhood is a different venue in the sultry night, as painted ladies wake from a slumber to wave “Hello” as they clumsily trapeze the streets in stilettos. Risk takers, the cream of a miscreant partying crop grab the night with an attitude inherent among those who stalkthe darkened city byways. Not to be confused with sparkly vampires as written by a certain sexually starved writer, Night Owls are not out to necessarily cause mischief or tip over garbage cans - they’re simply folks who are up in the late hours, who outlast those that have gone to bed ages ago. Such an occupation – and it is a full time job – grants character to brave adventurers who may or may not be entirely sober. If you find yourself among those who sleep during the day, there are many obstacles that only the night knows, besides of course drunkenly tripping and falling on your face. Faceplants are a serious environmental hazard for Night Owls. Anyone can be a Night Owl - there are no dues to pay, no higher authority to curb potential: freedom is limited only by imagination, stupidity, and crime. While there is much fun to be had, even veterans of the pre-dawn game know dank street corners are not to be taken lightly. Not all the creatures that crawl in the night are innocent post-partygoers. The enemies of good-hearted wayfarers seek to ruin fantastic cheer at any cost - an obstacle best met with aversion of dangerous areas and deserted alleyways. Stick to the light, light is good. Those enemies typically take advantage of the weakest Night Owls – those who might be especially drunk, especially small, or especially female. To assist in juking the culprits who dare threaten night wanderers, your friendly neighborhood escort service is at the ready, courtesy of VCU and the inevitably nosey people who run it. If you can’t take advantage of the fine escort service you will find yourself braving the streets alone. You could take advice from Oscar Zeta Acosta and go “armed
to the teeth,” clenching knife in mouth while double fisting a dark brew containing razor blades. If you’re of the non-violent belief, you can always vault headlong naked into your assailants – not recommended for women - knowing full well your body will creep the hell out of any would be criminals. If you see a person approaching you fast from behind, just turn around, pull your shirt off, and whip the ole wiener out there. If it was an assailant they will run away, if not, you should run away. Be wary of those who would wish you to believe they are desperados of dusk and darkness, those who would dig deep to destroy good times. The best way to meet those who defile Night Owl ventures is with pure insanity, aided by zero commitment to work and complete acceptance of play. Let them know you are just as crazy as they are, and they will prey on someone weaker. Show a wild side framed by bloodshot eyes and battle cries dipped in kerosene, lit ablaze by the kindness of afterhour cigarette smokers who stand outside punk clubs. Explore the night with drunken glee and find joy in the strangest of places, but bring a second pair of underwear in case of emergency.
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Put Your Boozehound on a Leash VCU Staff wrote this Imagine waking up at 2 p.m. on a Friday. You’ve slept through class, 6 calls, and that sweet 30 minute window when your roommate is gone and you can shamelessly masturbate in the living room. You look around your room to see a 7-Eleven foot long hot dog protruding from a flower vase filled to the brim with water. Hot dog-flavored chips are sprinkled around your room like a little hot dog flower girl came along and sprinkled them everywhere. You are still drunk with bits of vomit on your shorts, your eyes are crossed, and you check your credit card statement to see you spent 200 dollars on a Nicki Minaj album, a tiny replica piano, 20 Lunchables, and a Tamagotchi. Somewhere that Tamagotchi needs all its poop to be cleaned up.
spent way too much money on pointless things, you feel very shitty, and you have to deal with the sick realization that you are obsessed with hot dogs. “Might it be some sort of phallic obsession?” your still-poisoned brain will ask you. No, of course not, you were just drunk, that’s it! No phallic obsession over here!
Think from a semi-sober perspective - what part of last night seems remotely fun? And why do you keep doing this to your liver?
The Black Sheep is privy to knowing what being drunk feels like. In the heat of the moment, when the booze is flowing and the girls are acknowledging your existence – it’s hard to stop taking vodka Red Bulls to the dome. But when you wake up with a splitting head ache, promises to never drink again, and pictures of your wrinkly nutsack sent to the Campus Manager of the comedy newspaper you write for – it might be time to reconsider going HAM whenever you go out. You want to do it all again tonight, but Lord help you if you even make it out of bed today. If you hadn’t gone ballsto-the-wall last night, you’d be able to have two nights of debauchery instead of one (that you don’t even remember). Look, there are ways to avoid drinking so much you don’t remember the horrible decisions you make. There is a middle ground, a golden mean, a perfect drunk.
You barely remember any of the night. Sure, you know you had fun - you hung out with your friends, made fleeting eye contact with 2 girls, and even beat that dickbag frat star in a shotgunning contest. But look what all that fun cost: you
when you remember the night and all of the hilarious events that occurred. Hit that middle ground, and you’ll remember the night, plus the hangover won’t be nearly as bad. Drink some water along the way, maybe stick to one type of alco-
“What the hell happened?” you might ask yourself. You might even wonder who stole your credit card and went nuts on Lunchables and hot dogs. Well, it was you, you drunk bastard. You consumed every shot that was offered, and even drank from an unattended whiskey Coke.
hol instead of all the types of alcohol, and hell, maybe try pacing yourself for once in your life (cough sex cough). You can trick yourself into saying you like hangovers because they give you an excuse to watch Disney Channel Original Movies, but zetus lepidus, you can do that whenever. Hangovers suck, especially when you have to deal with texting your boss that “those aren’t my balls lol I swear… it’s… my room mate and I were in the bath…. No… it’s a landscaping project I’m working on.” Just take it easy, don’t be a boozehound, and you’ll be in control of your social life, not the your drunken alter-ego who loves hot dogs.
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The Top 10
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Things to Do with a Time Machine We have not seen Looper yet, but we think that mob hits are an awful way to squander time traveling technology. Here’s what we’d do instead of provoke Bruce Willis: 10.) Kill Hitler: Paradoxes and alternate realities be damned - it’s a universally agreed-upon rule that if you gain the power to travel in time, you kill Hitler. Period. If he still somehow manages to ravage Europe, everyone will call you a dick when you get back to the present.
The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Cthulhu Edition
9.) Profit: There is no one among us who wouldn’t benefit from being disgustingly rich. Given the power to travel in time, we would get tomorrow’s lottery numbers and use the winnings to buy WWII bonds, which we would sell and buy Microsoft stock just before the boom.
As a child you became aware of the horrible pollution of the earth. For a month, you wouldn’t shut up about the Great Pacific Garbage patch. “How could humans let a 270,000 mile patch of trash in the ocean exist?” you wondered annoyingly. You vowed to go green and clean up the world for your own children.
VCU Staff wrote this
8.) Freak Out Cavemen: Cavemen were stupid. How hilarious would it be to watch them run in fear from light bulbs, or hit cars with sticks? SO hilarious! 7.) Stop National Tragedies Before They Begin: We would punch Mrs. bin Laden in the ovaries, warn Pearl Harbor that shit’s about to go down, get Vernon Howell’s mom to get that kid in therapy and convince Snooki’s dad to pay for the abortion. 6.) Create Paradoxes: What would happen if we killed our great grandfathers before they had kids? Or handed an umbrella to the guy who was just about to invent the umbrella? Or stopped the unfair execution of a plucky young hippogriff? We don’t know, but we just bet it would be fun to find out! 5.) Dominate a Dinosaur: If you managed to tame and ride a triceratops like your own lizardy beast of war, you would basically win at life. You could name him Reggie Jackson and take him back to the future, where he would furiously defend his master and the President gives you his job because holy shit that guy tamed a goddamn dinosaur! 4.) Stop the World’s Most Notorious Villain: America still suffers today under the yoke of a totalitarian Russian government, put in place by the most infamous villain in history: John F Kennedy. With time travel, we would stop him before he has a chance to enslave all Americans and hand the keys to America over to Soviet President Brezhnev. Of course, we’d manage to pin it all on some mook from New Orleans, or something. 3.) Host Time Tours: The world has no shortage of Whovians, historians or creationists. Think of all the money you can make taking guided tour groups through the French Revolution! Think about having exclusive biography rights to the Bard! Think of how much fun it would be taking a fundamental Christian through the steps of evolution! 2.) Party Hard: Our country’s fun uncle, Ben Franklin, was known for being awesome. Imagine if you got him, Louis XIV, Roman emperor Nero, a couple Vikings, some Russians and Andrew Jackson at the same awesome party. Now imagine you got Smirnoff to sponsor said awesome party. Now go take a cold shower. 1.) Forrest Gump Photobombs: Old timey portraiture famously features modern celebrity lookalikes, like Anne Hathaway and Nicolas Cage. Noobs, we say. If we had the power to be anywhere in time, we would troll so hard. You would see us giving bunny ears to General Robert E. Lee and giving our best duck face behind Teddy Roosevelt. We would photobomb the holy hell out of war conferences and music festivals, and we’d even sneak into posed portraits of constitutional delegates. Then we’d sneak into the future and relish in the religions that will have been built around us.
VCU STAFF wrote this
Then SpongeBob came back on and you forgot all about pollution. If a sponge can live in a pineapple at the bottom of the ocean, then so be it. But do you know who didn’t forget about pollution? The Old Ones. They slumber in the depths of the ocean, a deathlike coma blinding them to the movements of mortals. Until now, the world has nervously ignored the existence of the Old Gods, like a shadow in the corner of our collective mind. But as the world warms, as humanity fights one another for dwindling bacon resources, as we come to the final months of our world’s life, they stir. They stir. PREPARATION: When Cthulhu and the other Ancient Ones wake up, the last place you’re going to want to be is here on earth. The Old Ones are from, according to the prophet Lovecraft, space. They have as much regard for life on earth as we do for bedbugs, and when Cthulhu wakes up, we are in for an acid wash. Is that excessive? Yes, of course. The Ancient Ones are bad about doing laundry. But damn if it’s not the most effective way to kill bedbugs on the planet. If you crapped your pants in fear at that, you have just scratched the surface of how deep the shit we’ll really be in if we allow Cthulhu to end the world. When he awakens, he’s going to be pissed that he’s been breathing in our refuse from his sunken city of R’lyeh. We could, of course, clean up the ocean, switch to more sustainable energy sources than oil and protect the fragile ocean ecosystem. But that sounds hard and boring. Your best bet is to make a super convincing Lovecraft-inspired demon costume, and try to sneak onto whatever spaceship they’ll use to leave earth when they’ve finished enslaving all of humanity.
THE BATTLE: If the apocalypse manages to catch you with your pants down (it shouldn’t Christ, people have been warning you for years) and you find yourself without a suitable disguise, you will find yourself in a very tense situation. You cannot stop Cthulhu, and if the armies being massacred outside your window are any indication, no man can stand against the might of the most ancient of evils. In fact, there is no way for a simple human to defeat the Great Old Ones. That is why you have to download the Necronomicon onto your Kindle and summon other, darker Gods to fight the Great Old Ones (you can try the Elder Gods if you’re a pussy, but the benign Elder Gods are to the Cthulhu Mythos what 50 Shades of Grey is to Twilight.) Be warned: the Gods the Lovecraft saw treat humanity with either disdain or apathy. If you plan to convince Yog-Sothoth to even consider looking in this galaxy’s direction, you better have a hell of a human sacrifice planned and manage to teach the knowledge-craving God what “compassion” and “mercy” are. THE AFTERMATH: The world will be ravished, perhaps even devoured by Ubbo-Sathla, in the end. But let’s assume for the moment that, due to an insane amount of luck and the sexiest ass the Outer Gods have ever seen, they heard your pleas and postpone the obliteration of our planet for a thousand more years. Where does that leave you? Well, depending on how much you’ve practiced your puppy dog face, you’ll either be enslaved for eternity or repurposed as a food source for the Gods. And rest assured, your last moments will be spent in reeling, ceaseless madness from which no mind can escape - it is the fate of all who behold the Gods. Because science hasn’t delved too much into the effects endless existential horror have on the mind, we don’t know if insanity will dull or enhance the unimaginable pain Azathoth will inflict upon your inconsequential body, but we have to assume that it will be comparable to living in the center of our sun, unable to die in the hellish fires as the pressure crushes your every bone into dust. So recycle that damn Coke bottle, fucktard, before you doom us all!
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
How old is your oldest professor? If he was willing, how far would you go to get an A? “About 75, Uh maybe a walk around campus...he has good stories and cheesy jokes.” - Sarah
“About 40, I wouldn’t do anything...I want to earn my grades through hard work.” - Kat
“He’s like 50 I guess, maybe a kiss, no tongue action though.” - J.P.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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VCU to form actual grammar police squad VCU staff wrote this An innovative new initiative aimed at promoting and enforcing proper grammar among Virginia Commonwealth students is slated to begin at some point later in the current fall semester. According to a highly placed source within the school’s administration, VCU will officially endorse a new section of the University Police Department, known as the Grammar Patrol and Action Squad (GPAS), which will be responsible for overseeing all issues of grammar incurred by VCU students. The new program is part of VCU’s attempt to raise its academic profile in the midst of a national trend of flagging test scores. The school believes that the GPAS will eventually become such an ingrained part of the university that their influence will begin to rub off on students, leading to thousands of graduates who can differentiate between words like “there” and “their.” Rumor has it that the original idea was hatched when a university official read a Facebook post in which one party was called a “grammar Nazi” after attempting to correct a second party’s spelling mistake. After a focus group of school administrators decided the litigation costs of forming an actual Nazi Party to roam the school would be too great, a police force was formed instead. It is believed that the powers of the GPAS will be fairly farreaching. Already confirmed is its responsibility to review all social media registered under the names of VCU students for potential misspellings, errors in punctuation, or incomplete sentences. Users of social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr can soon expect all of their previous posts,
comments, and tweets to be edited for proper grammar. Other members of GPAS will review a constantly-updating stream of new social media entries and make corrections in real-time as the user posts new content. Despite the apparent violations of privacy and even the right to free speech possibly occurring with this new enterprise, complaints from students thus far have been limited, with many accepting and even lauding the new system. Once such student had the following post on his Twitter account: “I can’t believe VCU is allowing this to happen; the very idea of the GPAS is so wrong awesome that it’s ridiculous!” The Black Sheep has received a tip that the GPAS officers in charge of social media have already begun working. Another power the GPAS will have is the power to discipline students who repeatedly flout the basic rules of the English language. “We have several plans in place for wrongdoers,” said one GPAS officer. “We have large dictionaries already in place for minor repeat offenders—they will be beaten with them, of course. We’re thinking about playing a game of hangman with the more serious offenders. A super special game of hangman…” The officer then began rubbing his hands together while laughing maniacally. One potential concern about the institution of the GPAS is their presence in classrooms during examinations. Some pro-
fessors believe that their actions will disrupt students’ concentration and focus. Others say that, because the GPAS officers will immediately examine each answer written down and make any necessary corrections, students will not have enough time to finish what would otherwise be relatively short exams. One English professor in particular took issue with the new practice. “This is kind of outrageous,” said the instructor. “My students write essays for their exams, and I’m pretty sure it’s my job to vet them for grammar and writing mistakes, isn’t it? I mean, that’s kind of what grading is. Wait…they’re going to be grading my work for me… Um, nevermind, just forget I said all this. I love this new idea!” [This article has been audited by the Grammar Patrol and Action Squad.]
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Super Spectacular Sparty OUT and About!!
Mountaineer Back on the Flame Train???
top stories The Hottest Stories Right Now! Fuzzy photos LEAKED of CHIEF ILLINIWEK at underground poker table! VCU’s Rodney the Ram denies accusations of horniness - Buster Bronco says he’s considering CHARGES!!!
SHOCKING!! So, Sparty the Spartan was seen sportin’ his skirt outside the stadium! A source close to us says he just “feels right” wearing the skirt, and might soon take on more feminine attire. OMGZ! Maybe after getting rooted by the Irish, Sparty is getting in touch with his boy-loving Greek roots!! Seeing him swing around night clubs in East Lansing in his skirt AND emerging stories of several student athletes seeing Sparty carry his pride into the locker room, might lead us to one FAB conclusion: gay! gay! gay!!! Sparty has long been seen with a perm frown on his face, BUT we’re hoping this revelation might leave him with a glamz smile! Go Sparty! We’re all on your team!!
Dead Doggies’ Dark Doo-Doo Demises
Wait till you hear who’s at it again! Last week the paps caught The Mountaineer deep in the woods of West Virginia burning a couch! Fresh out of pyromaniac rehab, The Mountaineer couldn’t live without getting his fix, and was reportedly “found rolling around in the mud, in a catatonic state… pupils dilated while muttering ‘longhorn’ under his breath.” Apparently The Mountaineer couldn’t take the pressure of another big game, and needed fire to relieve himself. We don’t want to cast judgment on The Mountaineer, but several other mascots have lent their support. The forever shiz-faced Iowa State University Cyclone tweeted “@Mountaineer yo iz kool wut u did bro, liv by ur one rolzze!!1 #livurLyf.” LOL looks like Cyclone has had one too many hurricanes!
Redbird Cy, Oh My!
Cavalier attitude nets night in jail for UVa mascot. Goldy Gopher, 3, Found dead in auoterotic asphyxiation mishap. PHOTOS INSIDE!! After sex change USC’s Cocky legally changes name to Pussy. MUST SEE BEFORE/AFTER SHOTS! Two years later, Rebel Black Bear admits mascot change “A trap” in interview with ET. What was the Clemson Tiger doing outside the Trophy Lust Club at 4a.m.?? The pap catches Syracuse Orange shopping in baby store!! Is s/he pregnant! EXCLUSIVE PICS!
Do all doggies go to heaven? Let’s hope so! Seems as though the party went a little TOO hard in Athens two weeks ago, especially after the Bulldogs beat the Volunteers by 7.
Seems as though The Parent Trap really is about some redheads, after all!!! We’re here to reveal a Peep Sheep EXCLUSIVE! An intense investigate has finally proven that ISU’s Cy the Cardinal and ISU’s Reggie Redbird are one in the SAME!
Early reports out of the coroner’s office suggest both suffered from chocolate sickness after bonging Hershey’s chocolate syrup into their little hound heinies! According to the Athens Animal Hospital Uga IX and Smokey IX were admitted to the emergency room at approximately 2:14a.m. with sever fevers. By 5:00a.m. both were pronounced dead.
Turns out, Cy (Real name: Crandall Berkowitz III) been the head worm-catcher of TWO nests!!! During the winter months leaves his hen and two chicks to fly south for the winter to Bloomington/Normal, IL to live in the lap of luxury with his other family, the Redbirds under the assumed name, “Reggie.”
Hey, college football studyboyz like Uga IX and Smokey IX are notorious for partying with fine bitchez, so don’t act like we didn’t see this coming. They will be thrown in a local incinerator on Monday, October 8th.
When questioned on the matter, Berkowitz III’s lawyer, Hyper-Chicken, declined comment. Turns out, birds of a feather DON’T flock together. They’re the same bird!!!!!!
Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish swears all boys-club was a “fight club.” What do you think!? USC Trojan can’t seem to get excited with NCAA sanctions. Say’s [the sanctions] are “too tight.” Puddles, the Oregon Duck, is splitz-ville the Horned Frog - did religion get in the way AGAIN!?!
the interview
zedd
If you haven’t heard the name Zedd, you have definitely heard his work. At twenty-three, having work with an ambit of major artists – from Baby Biebs to Skrillex – Zedd has produced several chart-topping beats. Stepping into the spotlight with a full-length album, Clarity, Zedd is an artist worth picking up on (and following on Twitter @Zedd). By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’ve produced and toured with some pretty major artists - do you prefer being behind the scenes producing beats, or working on your own? Zedd: It really depends. I obviously love doing my own music because I don’t have to please anyone with my music. With all my love and respect to my whole team - at the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that I truly love something I did. If I do work for other people, especially major artists, there are so many people you have to make happy - compromises have to be made which I don’t like. At the same time I can try new things out if I work for other people that I would probably not have done for myself. TBS: You released Clarity to iTunes on October 2nd (October 9th everywhere). After a long list of singles and remixes, what made you transition to a full-length album? Zedd: You know, I really like releasing singles because you can put something out right after you finish it, and it’s still fresh and hot. Making a full-length album is very difficult, especially for us DJs who tour 24/7. Making an album is a huge commitment, but it also gives you the chance of expressing yourself in a way that is more detailed than you could ever do it with singles. If you put out a single all the attention is on one track. With an album you can very well show a wider range of yourself, make songs that would probably not be a good single, but a great album track, and fulfill a certain roll in an album - just like the tension is not constantly high in a movie, there’s ups and downs. I’m not talking about fillers; in fact I believe my album doesn’t have any fillers, but tracks can definitely tell a story in a context of an album that singles can’t. TBS: Any track you are particularly excited for on Clarity, or are they all equally awesome? Zedd: It’s very close to impossible to pick my favorite song. “Hourglass” is one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written in my whole life and... yeah ... it’s really just the whole album that I’m mostly excited about, more than particular tracks. TBS: How do you describe Clarity in comparison to your past work? Zedd: Well, I think to a certain degree it’s probably a little bit more adult and experienced. Where the focus sometimes has been on making a big club-hit before, the focus on this album is to make music that is so timeless you can listen to it in 30 years and still be proud of the musicality in it. TBS: How do you build songs? Like, how did you come up with mixing Skrillex and The Doors for “Breakin’ a Sweat?” Zedd: Usually I’ll just play around on a keyboard or piano till I come up with the melodic / harmonic part; mostly the chorus or the hook. Then I make the parts around it. With my “Breakn’ A Sweat” remix Skrillex asked me to do a remix so that was a no-brainer for me. TBS: When you play live shows, do you feed off the crowd or do you come in with a strict setlist? Zedd: It’s a good mix of both. I prepare for shows depending on where I play and what type of crowd is expected. But a lot of the times the crowd will be completely different from what you expect, and in that case I switch up things. I have certain routines but there’s never a strict setlist. TBS: Your parents are musicians, and you started studying classic piano at a young age - how has that influenced you? And how much do your parents love your music? Zedd: It influenced me very much because I’ve learned about music theory, and learned to play several instruments – that’s stuff I can use to make music that’s a little different from a lot of other producers. This doesn’t mean they’re better or worse; it’s just different and I like being different. My parents actually like the music! They’ve never listened to electronic music before but they like the “musical” part of my music more than the sound-design aspect. TBS: Of those major artists you’ve worked with, are there any weird similarities you find between them? Like, do Skrillex and Baby Biebs have anything in common that the layman wouldn’t know? Zedd: [Laughs] Well, the biggest similarities are that they all share the same passion: music! Skrillex and Bieber, I’d say, have fairly different personalities but they’re both very passionate about what they do in their own ways. TBS: Your Twitter is pretty hilarious - is that all you? Zedd: [Laughs] Thank you! It is all me - and probably sometimes a little bit too much of “me” but I enjoy not thinking too much about what I say there. TBS: Also on Twitter, your about me is “Shave it up,” what’s that about? Zedd: Illuminati man... It’s all Illuminati! TBS: What’s one thing you can’t tour without? Zedd: I can’t tour without shows! I really can’t!
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Jersey Shore Season 6 Premiere Thursday, Oct. 4 at 10pm on MTV The final season of the cultural phenomenon made up of meatballs and meatheads is coming to a tearful end, the kind that only comes after six shots of vodka annd a drunk dial to mother. The dynamic of the house is different this time, however, with Nicole being 6 months pregnant. How will sober Snooki do in a house full of alcoholic maniacs? We can’t wait to see.
v/h/s In Theaters Oct. 5
This film, comprised of five short films, revolves around a woven narrative of a group of guys who break into a creepy house in search of one particular VHS. They then watch five, each of which is more messed up then the one before, and all terrifying as hell. V/H/S was available on iTunes weeks ago, so take it from us that this is one of the scariest movies you’ll see...except for those movies inside the movies.
mellowhype - numbers out oct. 9 Odd Future members Hodgy Beats and Left Brain team up to form the Los Angeles hip-hop duo MellowHype. With two studio albums already under their belt, not to mention plenty of features on Odd Future and Tyler, the Creator albums, and even a song on the Madden NFL 12 video game, these wacky dudes are certainly on their way to certified success.
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Thomas D. Village Café Bar: Village Café
Do you have a porn name? Hunter Pocomoke
Nickname: Thomas Age: 26
Honestly, have you hooked up with any employee? Too many.
Status: Single Major: Bachelor of Fine Arts Painting and Printing What’s your drink recipe? Any good beer. Shot recipe: Jameson
What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? Too many people peeing and pooping themselves. Is there a celebrity you want to beat up? Guy Fieri from Diners, Drives and Dives, he’s an asshole.
“I Dare You” Recipe: Double Jameson
What’s the weirdest place you’ve hooked up? In an airport parking lot.
What three things you need on a desert island? Jameson. Good beer. Wilson.
Do you have a personal theme song? Big Boi’s “Fo Yo Sorrows”
the drinking game
chestbump
Recipe for Disaster
Bacon Cholesterol Toast
This game may sound like it’s only made for frat bros, but if you’re a girl who can hold your own when it comes to beer, then feel free to join on in. This game will involve more stinky burps than a roadside truck stop.
If you don’t wake up every morning without a craving for greasy delicacies, then something is wrong with you. Just when you thought breakfast toast was just a crunchy piece of burnt bread, we found a recipe to change the world of morning meals.
What You’ll Need: Cups, four ping pong balls, and beer. Number of Players: Four if you want to go hard, more if you actually want to remember your night. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be buying shots for the undercover cops at the bars later on.
What You’ll Need: About a pound of bacon, bread, and some salt. Cook Time: Ten minutes. Fatty Factor: No amount of Cheerios is going to lower your cholesterol after this.
How to Play: - Have everyone pick a partner and sit across from them around the table. - Every player grabs one beer and divides it up between three cups arranged into a triangle in front of them. If you’re feeling competitive up the ante and play will full cups. - On “Go,” everyone bounces a ping pong ball across the table to their partner. The receiver has to bounce it off his or her chest and get it into one of the cups in front of them. - If your partner succeeds, he or she slides one of the beer cups over to the opponent on the right of them, who now has to chug its contents before continuing bouncing. - After a team has finished all of their cups, one last full beer is placed directly in the middle of the table. The team must double bounce the ball into the cup to win. The Game Ends When: The last beer has been finished and someone spews into the cups in front of them. Drink up, brah!
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Let’s Get Baked: - Grease up a frying pan and fry up all that bacon on your stove, preferably shirtless after a night of heavy drinking. - After all the bacon stops simmering and popping, remove it from the pan. Drop some bread in the pan with the leftover bacon grease and brown it evenly on both sides. - Once the bread is toasted remove it from the pan and sprinkle both sides with salt. - The way to eat it is up to you. We’re fans of creating a mega bacon weave and sandwiching it between a few slices of our cholesterol toast. Maybe grab some syrup and have some finger food dipping fun? Have 911 and a respirator on standby. You will have trouble breathing and your blood flow may slow down immensely. But it’s super delicious so at least the last thing you eat before you die will be totally worth it.
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page 13
Skipping Class for Sukkot Sarah Everett wrote this As we head into midterms one thing has become increasingly clear: We just really don’t give a shit about class anymore. Sure, you started out the semester with valiant intentions of only going out on the weekends and getting a 4.0 for the first time ever, but all of those lofty goals are now long-gone. At this point, you’re looking for any and every reason to miss class. Some may consider it desperate, but I for one am not above exploiting my Jewish heritage and using religious holidays as an excuse to skip a lecture. You really can’t lose here. As per university policy, professors are required to be “understanding” of their students’ religious practices. You can interpret that as you will, but I understand it to mean that I’m free to miss class in observance of my faith and suffer absolutely no repercussions for it. As a semi-professional truant, I encourage not only my Jewish brethren to miss class for religious holidays, but my goy friends as well. Hopefully you established (or faked) your Jewish-ness earlier in the semester by skipping class for the High Holidays (that’s Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, you shmendrik). If so, congrats, you have laid the groundwork in letting everyone know that you are Jewish—not just culturally, but for-reallike-actually-doing-Jewish-things Jewish. If not, don’t fret: There are seriously more Jewish holidays than there are actual Jews, so you have plenty of upcoming opportunities to remind everybody that you are one of the chosen people. Whether you’ve been strictly observant, are just starting to embrace your Jewish roots for the sake of skipping class, or are simply faking it, the next such opportunity is the holiday of Sukkot. So, here are the basics: Sukkot, meaning “Feast of Tabernacles,” is the weeklong holiday beginning at sundown (for the non-Jews: Virtually every holiday begins at sundown—commit it to memory. I think we used to be vampires or something) on Sunday, September 30. The cool thing about Sukkot being a week long is that you can kind of pick and choose, a la carte-style, which days you’re going to skip class in observance of the holiday. Already in class as you’re reading this? Mumble something to your professor about what a shlemiel you are for missing shul and dip the hell out. If for some unfortunate reason your professor decides to question you about your religious activities (in which case you should imply that your prof is an anti-Semite—that’ll shut him up real quick),
you should probably have at least a vague understanding of the holiday. In short, Sukkot commemorates the 40-year period that the Jews spent wandering the Sinai Desert after their exodus from slavery in Egypt. The word “sukkot” actually refers to the fragile structures in which the Israelites dwelt during their years of wandering the desert. To up your Jewish ante, you should try to casually inform everybody of your plans to go build a Sukkah on the front lawn of Hillel. Not like you’re actually going to go, but you should at least stroll by the Hillel for the purpose of Instagramming a picture of the Sukkah. When you finally do return to class and are asked how your Sukkot was, reply that there was some brokh, but that overall the week was a brokheh. Continue by saying that you look forward to receiving aliyah during Simchat Torah, which is the day after the conclusion of Sukkot and yet another occasion to ditch class. Hopefully by now you’re prepared to “celebrate” Sukkot. Chag Sameach, y’all!
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mad swag
Would you consider yourself a trill OG? Are you down with that flow, yo? Are you reading this thinking, “Whoever wrote this is painfully white.”? Well, la-tee-dah. More importantly, can you decipher our Mad Swag? Below are several mondegreens -words replacing similarsounding words - of well-known rap lyrics. Can you figure out what these artists are sayin’? email us the title of the song the lyric is from to madgab@theblacksheeponline.com and if you get them all right, you’ll win a prize!
Lives ab i tch hand ten nude eye
Soup her intend dose egg a ninja sis
Hi loafed win ewe calming beak pop huh
So far ash soak lean
Rapper: Nas
Rapper: Notorious B.I.G.
Rapper: Notorious B.I.G.
Rapper: Outkast
Hue mice hunch tine
Hi got nigh tee nigh bro blooms
La booty bro Emma moth kin pawn star
Yellow bee distiller orgy
Rapper: Lupe Fiasco
Rapper: Jay-Z
Rapper: Kanye West
Rapper: Dr. Dre
Smock we derriere
Adjust dope lava truck
Icee herb toy French ate in lick an idiot
Doughnut even a views my ache
Rapper: Snoop Dogg
Rapper: Eminem
Rapper: Lil’ Wayne
Rapper: Ice Cube
the classtime
90’s music stars
Across
4) Sugar, salt, garlic, pepper, oregano 6) Don’t go burning ex-boyfriend’s houses down. 7) He’s a loser, baby. 9) Blue Ivy’s god mother’s. 11) Just like rain on your wedding day. 14) Wake me up when this crossword ends. 16) Mmm, they’re all married with kids now. 18) Not Tyler Perry’s. 20) Titanic pipes.
upstairs. 10) Recently toured with the original 80s boy band. 12) Somehow still competes with women half her age. 13) Holds the longest-running #1 song in U.S. history. 15) With certainty. 17) Ladies loved this ripped rapper. 19) 14 minutes and 59 seconds of fame.
Down
1) Bye, bye, bye to all but one, really. 2) Definition of 90s grunge, and plaid. 3) Rocked the bald look very well. 5) The OG white rapper, after Vanilla Ice of course. 8) Now she’s dancing with somebody
Answers
Six degrees of separation
Think you know how Blake Lively and Alex Baldwin are connected?
Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
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the quiz: who is your white house hook-up? Regardless of how many morals you may think you have, when you’re seven SoCo limes in you’re going to be thinking with your nether regions, not your brain. Therefore you’re going to find a hook-up buddy, even if just for the night. So in the spirit of election season, take our quiz to find out which political person you would grab at 2 a.m.
8) What do you do the morning after a political victory? a) Press the meat…on your g-spot. b) Mimosas over the Washington Post. c) Establish citizenship in a different country and run for office there.
6) How do you engage with younger voters? a) Invite them over to the big house for some homemade brew. b) Outlining a series of policies that benefit them, like anal. c) Pop out enough babies to win the popular vote yourself. 7) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 8) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
9) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
answer key
5) Do you think gays should be allowed to marry? a) I’m Pro-Chick-fil-A, that shit is delicious. b) As long as I can keep doing what I’m doing, then I don’t care. c) Yes, all couples deserve the same benefits.
9) What would you do if you ran into a former opponent in public? a) Have one of your aides make up an excuse while you hide in the bathroom. b) Politely offer your well-wishes and move on with your day. c) Challenge them to a debate in the closest broom closet you can find.
5) a = 2, b = 1, c = 3 6) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
3) What do you look for in a potential running mate? a) A body to die for, but brain dead. b) Let’s just say it’s important they know their constituates intimately. c) Firm goals you believe in, with a butt to match.
7) What political perk would you casually drop in conversation? a) Your awesome view of Russia. b) The free condoms in the Oval Office. c) Having a full-time chef at your disposal.
3) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 4) a = 3, b = 2, c = 1
2) What’s the first thing you try to find out about a political opponent? a) If they like to get dirty. b) If their charity work involves washing the dirty. c) Just the dirt, immediately.
4) What is your stance on abortion? a) Pro-choice all day, every day. b) I’m pro-banging, is that enough for you? c) Psh, only if it’s legitimate rape.
1) a = 3, b = 1, c = 2 2) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
1) What political euphemism for sex would you drop on a hook-up? a) “How about we get bipartisan up in this?” b) “Judging by the look in your eye, the House of Representatives gavel isn’t the only think I’ll be banging tonight.” c) “Don’t Linda Tripp over my huge dick.”
9-14 Points: Sauced-Up and Sexy Sarah Palin or Paul Ryan They aren’t the sharpest crayons in the box, and they go off on all sorts of crazy drunken rambles about who knows what, but none of that matters when their ripped abs and beautiful hair are in your bed. These are the freaks who are stupid enough to try anything (or position) once, which makes for an awesome one-night-stand. It’s best to leave it at that though, because any future run-in’s with these crazy people will either be awkward or just uncomfortable. 15 - 21 Points: Exxxperienced Pooty Tang Monica Lewsinky or Anthony Weiner Usually a slick undergrad with a badass fake-ID or a 5th senior, these folks know what they want and are not shy about getting it. Maybe they’ve gotten extra credit in unconventional ways, or have taken a naughty picture or two in their day but, hey, that kind of shit really turns you on, and that’s cool. Whether it’s a one-night hook-up or something that turns into a regular weekend booty call, you know that whenever it goes down it’s going to be the real deal. 22 - 27 Points: Diamond in the Rough Barack or Michelle Obama You aren’t one to normally pick up a random at the bar, but we all have basic human urges that need to be fulfilled sometimes. Lucky for you, you’ve got a good enough filter to pick out the quality hook-ups in the dark depths of a dirty bar, the ones with just enough gusto to be inticing but with what appears to be (on the outside) a solid STD-free record. So it may not be the love of your life, but at least it’ll be a memory you’ll look back on fondly.
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