Vol. 5, Issue 3
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
fre con e...lik d o m e yo s. A ur r nd o too omm thb ate rus ’s h.
9/5/13 - 9/11/13
Policémon:
The Battle of Richmond’s Finest BY: Kalsey Hanratty Ladies and gentlemen, the match that will determine the undisputed champion of Richmond’s police forces is finally here! The Richmond Police deal with meth head and the occasional murderer, while the VCU Police keep the Compass clean of filthy, good for nothing jaywalkers. But which police force protects Richmond the best? We pitted the two forces against each other in a fight to determine who would win the battle of Richmond’s finest. Round 1: FIGHT! Richmond Police uses Drug Dealer against VCU’s Library Thief. Drug Dealer makes the first move, but he is unsteady, not certain what he is doing. He shuffles slowly past the Library Thief… oh, it’s a non-conspicuous drug deal ladies and gentlemen! Library Thief uses suspicion and looks around too much. Drug Dealer scolds Library Thief, reaches in his pocket and pulls out a Taser. Looks like this battle is over... BUZZ! And the Library Thief is down for the count! VCU Police loses this round; the thief was no match for the slinger of drugs. Who will they use next? Round 2: FIGHT! VCU Police uses a Traffic Violator against the Richmond Police’s Meth Addict. The Meth Addict approaches the ring, scratching at his face. Could he be making a subtle move? The Traffic Violator is nowhere to be seen, this could be a dull match ladies and gentlemen. The Meth Addict pulls out a shovel, ready for battle, or wait, he begins to dig at the ground. What could he be doing? A car horn is honking somewhere, this could be the Traffic Violator, but where is he? He is not coming in through his gate. Oh shit! There he is, coming in from the wrong side of the stadium! Should have expected that! He’s coming in fast, 70 miles per hour, at least. He’s getting close to the Meth Addict and looks like he just might ram this guy out of the ring. The Meth Addict looks up, but not toward the car, he walks toward the edge of the ring! VCU Police’s Traffic Violator is going too fast, he’s out of control and swerves into the Meth Addict’s hole! But where is the Meth Addict? On the sidelines, buying some meth, understandably. And it looks like Richmond Police takes this match by a hair. Or a nose. Or a bloody nose! Round 3: FIGHT! VCU Police throws out the biggest threat they have, which is just a Big Dude. What is his crime? We’re being informed he has multiple outstand-
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ing parking violations outside of the gym. Richmond Police responds with a Third-Degree Murderer, about 5 feet tall and skinny as a pool stick! Appearance-wise, it seems the VCU Police might take this one home. The two men stare each other down. This is getting suspenseful, ladies and gentlemen. Who will make the first move? Oh! VCU’s Big Dude pulls out his 10-pound dumbbell! He throws it at the murderer’s head and… he misses! The Murderer walks over to the Big Dude and whispers something
in his ear. He starts to laugh! The Big Dude is completely open, and, oh! Richmond Police’s Murderer stabbed the Big Dude in the heart, a direct hit! Well ladies and gentlemen, it looks like Richmond Police rams the VCU Police into the ground in this battle, no pun intended, or maybe it was. Good night, and until next time, remember to tip your policemen on the way out.
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Well, it was more like an interrogation, but we needed some answers.