The Black Sheep
FR EE ... li on ke t ev he er lef yv t eg over gi e t ca ra ul i y, ev flow er er .
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Volume 4, Issue 3 • 1/31/13 - 2/6/13
Why VCU Homecoming Will Suck This Year
and The ensuing Havoc
Olivia Talbott wrote this
At VCU, homecoming is not just about fun, community, or even the abuse of alcohol. VCU’s homecoming is about making our partially literate basketball team out to be the gods that they will never be in the real world, freezing our ass off, looking at shitty graffiti on our windows, gawking at the bunch of Regina George meets Rihanna looking wannabes wearing as little of whatever shirts they can get away with, and the pathetic reality of the only decent homecoming event we ever cared about, the Chill and Grill. The truth of the matter is, it doesn’t matter. We VCU students are a resilient bunch. Even though our student population isn’t exactly intelligent enough to know one of the three most used definitions for havoc; we know that homecoming this year will literally reek of havoc, which we will stand by appropriately, with our bottle, our pride, and some good old grade school mocking to get us through. Let’s start with the homecoming ritual most closely related to the Kim Kardashian program of VCU, the window painting. A reminder to those unaware of the festivities that, no matter what kind of hipster misfits we are, VCU still celebrates a traditional, ceremonious event of college. You walk through the Compass booking heat, and just look at that professional art on the windows! One would think that at a respected liberal art school like VCU students would be able to create respectable art. Or art that doesn’t pose concern that Richard Simmons with horns represents our school mascot. The worst part about the my-sorority/fraternity/club’s-ego-is-bigger-than-yours graffiti on the windows? Our student population clogging up traffic in the Commons to stop and witness the color puked up on the window. Then there’s the lip-sync event. Nothing says “plethora of scantily clad girls with daddy issues” like this one. We can imagine that the girls spend all week working to make their t-shirt, jeans combo into one that subtly says “I had never read a book until I read 50 Shades of Grey three times.” The battle commences and the girl that looks as if she would be the most comfortable working in a nail salon by day, and sliding down a pole by night, wins. The creative genius of the group receives almost an equal nod in respect to her great skill in cutting more holes in her shirt than the rest. The dancing is intended to be erotic, but appears mostly as a desperate bid for her next prospect of fraternity boyfriend that just might make enough money one day for her to continue living the mindless life that ambitious girls like her only dream about. Groups of more dullards do their very best to portray big time, equally moronic rappers, pop singers, and whoever the flavor of the month is. The obviously innovative yutz that is brilliant enough to wear sunglasses receives widespread cheers and attention.
Puppy Bowl Renovations
Mid-week brings the Blood Drive which makes the Commons feel like a hospital. Thursday brings the “Block Party,” that might have been more appropriately named, “The Gathering of Freshman With Too Much Time.” A$AP Rocky, obviously the most well known of the homecoming performers, will perform on Friday. Saturday the sun’s insidious humor will appear in one of two ways. Either shining incredibly bright, laughing at the hangovers we achieved Friday night (in response to our disappointment in this A$AP character), or disappearing hysterically so that we may drink more and find ourselves drunk on a side street, mid-day. Either way, it’s destined to be a hoot hollerin’ good time despite being bombarded with horrific Greek and Club only elitism with the thrilling premiere of a homecoming parade. Those of us excited to suck down that bottle of Jack, Smirnoff, wine, or case of beer and pack on twelve layers in order to stand on the side of the street beneath the “representatives” of our school, looking up
what'’s inside
with disgust, accepting off brand gum and milk chocolate hurled at our heads, will really enjoy this event. By the time we get to the game, the only event that most students even know about, someone should be just drunk enough to fall down the stairs. Many of these someones will be brilliant enough to continue drinking and enjoy the after parties. A few Sarahs may hook up with that skeezy guy that everyone hates, right in front of you. Maybe a ridiculous Joe or two will take a dare to stand outside without clothes on, get locked out and arrested. Sunday morning most of homecoming will feel like a distant memory. Events of the following night, and for many, even Friday night, will be lost memories. The only remnant left will be the smell. Sunday morning’s light will wake us up and a loud consensus between us will resound. This apartment reeks of havoc.
Top 10: Homecoming Essentials
The Vultures of VCU
Animal Planet wants to boost its annual Puppy Bowl ratings. May we suggest more bloodlust?
Make sure you’re prepared for any situation by having these ten things on you at all times.
Girls rule, boys drool, end of story.
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