The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik ea at Val Ca en be tin ll ! e’s da te
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_vcu
Volume 4, Issue 4 • 2/7/13 - 2/13/13
Valentine’s On the Fly Olivia Walthal wrote this
So, Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching and if you’re anything like us, you’re completely unprepared. Thankfully for you, The Black Sheep is here to help! So put down the hair you’ve ripped out, swab up your tears, and get out of the fetal position. We have some helpful, albeit undignified, steps to take to get you what you want this Valentine’s Day. You don’t have a date, but aren’t completely hopeless looks and personality wise. For guys: It’s as simple as turning on the charm and not mentioning anything about your penis (unless we specifically ask). Try to pick a date that is on your level of attractiveness, that way it doesn’t seem like a sick joke from your frat brothers. Just be kind, be yourself, hold doors, pull out chairs, and try to be as un-chauvinistic as possible. You are a respectable young gentleman; act like it – no “slut shaming.” Also, eye contact, gentlemen. You can’t date boobs; the technology just isn’t there yet. For girls: Go into a part of town you don’t usually frequent, but make sure wherever you choose is considerably fancier than where you usually go. Then, find the most attractive man you can find (don’t be afraid to hunt around) and tell him that you’re terminally ill and too old for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. He might be puzzled at first, but tell him that it was your final wish to have a date on Valentine’s Day with the most attractive man in Richmond. After said date is over (because this is foolproof), avoid that part of town forever. For all you know, this guy thinks that you died, so commit to that. Stay fake dead. Congratulations! You’re actually an attractive human being and you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! However, you don’t not have a gift for your equally attractive significant other. You don’t want to seem like an asshole for forgetting Valentine’s, even though you totally did. So what do you do? For guys: This time, being a guy is a huge advantage (Ed. note: Just like in sports, the job market, and opening jars.) Unless you’re a part of the art program at VCU, your creative expectations are low, so make your girlfriend/date something really cute that looks somewhat decent. You can use crayons, macaroni and glue, paint (watercolors are a panty-dropper), whatever – go crazy, and remember reds and pinks! If you have little cousins or siblings, look to them for inspiration, but don’t steal their shit. No matter what you make, if you at least kind of tried you’re guaranteed an “Aw! So cute! Thank you!” and perhaps a nice, long, toothless blowjob later in the evening.
Love in the time of Mardi Gras love was found in a hopeless, drunken place.
page 4
If you don’t feel like making something, you can never go wrong with chocolate (in the most expensive heart shaped container you can find) and red roses. Did you get that? RED roses. No yellow or white or black roses. Don’t try to be adventurous or artsy here; we already saw that in your mediocre hand drawn card. For girls: As a fellow female creature, I hate to say this. If you completely forgot a gift until the day of Valentine’s Day, don’t panic! Be stereotypical, tone down your feminism JUST ONCE, and cook for your man. Yes, yes, it might kill you inside a little, but who knows! For inspiration, think of all the fucking stupid “ways to entice your man” tips that Cosmo taught you your freshman year. This way, you don’t have to spend money on that god-awful cologne he likes that you hate. (Ed. note: But it makes us feel sexy!) It’s Valentine’s Day! You remembered that you have a significant other AND you remembered to get said significant other a gift! So what did you forget? Oh yeah, a dinner reservation somewhere.
what'’s inside
This doesn’t even need to be split into genders, because either person can deal with this issue. First, how about lowering your expectations a little? Let’s be realistic for a second: when you’re eating Ramen and Easy Mac everyday and fiendin’ for swipes, you need to sit your ass down and be honest about this whole situation. The solution to this problem might strip you of your dignity, but at least it’ll be effective. Whenever you figure out what restaurant you want to go to, call them and cry over the phone -- bawl like a damn baby. Make it loud, make it unintelligible, and make it as embarrassing as possible. There’s nothing worse than an adult sob to you over the phone, especially a grown-ass man/hysterical lady. The least the restaurant will do is toss you some scraps from the back door, and you can whip those up into a nice Valentine’s Day stew! If you don’t fall into any of these categories, well, then maybe you should stick to feverishly masturbating in your roommate’s bed when he/she leaves for class. It’s a surefire method, and it’s never failed you before!
Top 10: Ice Cream Flavors for Loners on Valentine’s Day
Damage Control for the Lazy Boyfriend
page 6
page 9
Ben and Jerry’s has yet to respond to our demands for “Depressionberry Blast”.
How to scramble so this Valentine’s Day isn’t the worst holiday since last year’s Valentine’s Day.