The Black Sheep
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Vol. 5, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/12/13 - 9/18/13
Breaking bathsalts the alleged reason why we need a new Rodney Ram BY: SolarMane VCU recently held tryouts to find the next person to don the Rodney Ram outfit. The Commonwealth Times might use “facts” to tell you the last Rodney graduated, but that’s not a juicy enough story, so here’s the alleged reason why we need a new Rodney Ram. Remember, this story is alleged, so please don’t complain about it on Twitter for like, two days. We all take losses hard, but last year after the VCU vs. Michigan game, Rodney Ram took it harder. Security cameras at a convenience store in Auburn Hills, Michigan showed Rodney cleaning out the O.E shelf and as well as copping a bottle of Cuervo and a bottle of Everclear. A trainer close to the situation, whose name is being withheld for confidentiality purposes, told The Black Sheep that he witnessed Rodney drain every last drop of the booze on the trip back to Richmond. When he arrived to the airport, Rodney took a cab back to the city. Unfortunately, in his drunken stupor, Rodney sputtered to the driver, “take me to the church! I’m ill!” Even though Rodney was thinking of the cathedral next to Shafer, the cab driver dropped him off in the middle of Church Hill. Now thoroughly rammed, Rodney stumbled into a trap house, but thankfully the drug lords who owned the house were known as the friendliest trap stars in the city. They recognized Rodney and decided not to beat the crap out of him, they even gave him some free bath salts, which really perked his mood up. Rodney liked the way these salts made him feel, they made him forget his ruined hopes for the basketball team. Every-
thing was fast and everyone was happy, despite being along in a dilapidated house a gray day in March, he felt like he was in the middle of Sigel Center pumping up the Rowdy Rams! A local dog walker reported she saw Rodney in the Oakwood Cemetery hunched behind some graves, lighting some kind of glass tube. She then saw Rodney pop up and sprint out of the cemetery, and down the street, ripping off all his clothes except for his head — because as a mascot, even when you’re on bath salts and drunk, YOU NEVER TAKE OFF THAT HELMET. A woman given the alias “Betty Kayme” has alleged the rest of this report. Miss Kayme is alleged to have had “relations” with Rodney. She told us that she found Rodney twerking on the Tableith statue, screaming “Screw Trey Burke,” whilst showering himself in bath salts. Rodney ran up to Miss Kayme, “about to eat [her] face,” when she suggested he eat something else. Rodney looked her long in the eye, then proceeded to perform acts he’d seen on the internet such as: the Angry Dragon, the Cleveland Steamer, the Tony Danza, and the mythical ZJ. Unfortunately for Rodney, Miss Kayme was an amateur filmmaker and a University of Michigan spy, who sought to shame the Rams even more than they had already. Therefore, when the video surfaced, Rodney had to give up his head, and hold his real head in shame. Hopefully the new Rodney will bring as much pep and cheer as the old Rodney, but won’t succumb to taking methamphetamines, cemetery dwelling, and twerking alone in public places.
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VCU Makes It Real ...Hard to Graduate
Are You Moderately Prepared For Some Football!?!
If Fraternities Ruled The World
4 years and you’re out? That’s cute.
Wait, “Rams” is taken? Never mind.
Forget about a G20 summit, how about a 420 Summit!
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VCU Makes it Real ...Hard to graduate By: Kalsey Hanratty
Sally came to VCU in 2008 as a pre-med student. Fast forward to 2013 and Sally is taking biochemistry, organic chemistry, history of the English language, and ballroom dancing. Why would she take such a ridiculous spread of classes? Well, Sally goes to see her advisor every semester, and to an advisor, she may as well just be a chubby little piglet in the diploma mill. This is how the conversation went before this fall semester: Advisor: So Sally, how was your summer? Sally: Oh, it was great; I went on vacation to the Bahamas, worked part time at the strip club, and I shadowed a doctor at the hospital near Advisor: Wow, I really don’t care,, I was just trying to be nice. Do you know what you want to take this semester? Sally: Well, what else do I need to graduate? Advisor: Ahh, let’s see here, let me grab your non-existent file. Here it is, it looks like you need six more upper level science credits and the rest are electives. Sally: Well what do you suggest? Advisor: Well, there’s not many seats left in any of the good classes, so I’ll just put you in a bunch of bullshit classes so you’ll have to wait until next semester to get into the classes you really need, and thus pay more money to be here. Sally: Sounds great! Thanks so much for your help! Advisor: Come back and see me anytime! I love to sit here in my rolling chair, pretending like I know what I’m doing. Before you get to college one of the most common things you hear is “no one graduates on time.” Sadly, that is a true statement, but how many of those poor super seniors are truly incapable of passing their classes, how many changed their majors too many times, and how many of them were deceived by the ambivalence of the one person who is there to guide them to the graduation stage? To fight this injustice The Black Sheep has come up with some advice on this subject. We don’t want to see you
become a super senior any more than your parents do. Do your research: It’s as simple as that. Don’t put your college schedule in someone else’s hands. If stoned high school version of you had the ability to find the application for VCU, then caffeine’d up college you have the ability to find your degree requirements. Just go to “Academic Programs,” find your degree and click on it. There is literally the entire list of what you need. Stop Googling top ten lists of what Rodney the Ram looks like naked and pay your future some attention. (PS: Look for “Top Ten Naked Rodney the Ram Poses” in our next issue!) Make Your Schedule: After finding out what you need, divide your classes into your remaining semesters. Make sure you read the course descriptions for prerequisite requirements and all that nonsense. You could even make a game out of it. Put a list of potential electives on a bull’s-eye, and chuck a few darts; whatever you hit, you’re stuck with. Hey, that’s how most people end up married! Don’t Wait: If you wait until you can see your advisor to make your schedule, there won’t be any seats left the good classes and you’ll be bitching for the entire semester how your advisor screwed it up for you. You’ll end up in Advance Ballroom Dancing on Friday at 8 a.m., and you can’t blame your advisor for that one… unless they’re on the ballroom dancing professor’s payroll for keeping him employed. Think about it. Maybe, just maybe, there is a huge conspiracy where advisors get paid for keeping students here. Maybe certain professors give them a kickback for signing naïve students up for their soonto-be-extinct classes. Is it so crazy? Is it? Well The Black Sheep thinks it’s not, so back to the dartboard kids! It’s time to take our college careers into our own hands.
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Prepared y l e t a r e d o M u o Y e r A
! !? l l a b t o o f e For som
By: The Black Sheep
VCU fans are known for their high morale and unflappable school spirit. From cross country to Quidditch, the Ramophiles have been there to harp about their players while gabbing garbage about the competition. If you’ve ever been to a VCU basketball game, you understand the time we’re willing to kill waiting outside the stadium. Cramming as many Rowdy Rams as we can into the stands like it’s the financial aid office in mid-August, there’s no telling how much ignorance they’ll dedicate for the chance to agitate. Incessantly. With all this high energy, one might assume the crowd at a VCU football game would be wilder than an Ariel Castro daycare center. And maybe it would be… If VCU actually had a football team. Although students bitch bitterly for our beloved university to grant us with a team, there are plenty of reasons why it wouldn’t work, beyond the expenses we’re spending on weak shit like “teacher salaries” and “curriculum improvement.” There isn’t a week that goes by where VCU student either overhear, or partake in, a conversation revolving around the idea of us fostering a football team. Students assume that because our basketball team is swagalicious and our percentage of stereotypical ethnicities to play football is larger than average, we’re good to go. Besides the fact of these generalizations being WRONG, we don’t have college football players. We have former high school football play-
ers. Yeah, the underclassmen and a few of the uppers still rock their “InsertNameHereHS” hoodies in the fall, acting like anyone cares that they used to push around 16 year olds. But all that swagger will fizzle out in 2.5 seconds with the first snap against a real team. Funny how watching your only QB that can throw a spiral get guillotined by a 300 pound Samoan can be a real spirit-crusher. This same certain selection of students love to believe that having a football team added to the sports spectrum at VCU would benefit the entire student body. Unfortunately for these naïve souls, they’ve forgotten that we attend an urban, 30,000+ student sized art and science university. Most people walking around campus don’t speak pigskin. This school tends to attract more of a “modern arts gala” attendee or “underground electronic” listener. Most students would literally rather watch paint dry than watch football. And can you imagine the tailgate parties? We’re pretty sure the last person who asked for a gluten-free veggie burger on a whole wheat bun at an ODU game got buried underneath the parking lot. A final question yet to be answered by the students praying to the NCAA football Gods is, where the hell would we put a football stadium? We live in downtown Richmond-Metro area. If you can’t find parking to drop off a damn Redbox at the 7-Eleven, how do you expect to find space for a 100-yard patch of grass with stands surrounding it? The only viable option would be to place it 40 minutes out of the city,
which is the last place any of our students would want to travel. Unless free transportation (obviously not by GRTC anymore) is provided or gas-refund checks are distributed, the only people in attendance would be: the team, the opposing team, and an unpaid intern covering the game for his Intro to Journalism class. In short, no one would honestly care if a football team became an addition to the VCU athletics department. Well, maybe a few would care, but not enough to openly admit it. As of now, VCU is focusing on spending their money, or more truthfully, our money, on a new library and academic improvements. As much as the minority of meatheads may want it to happen, they will always be outvoted by the overlycultured majority. Pass the veggie burgers!
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If Fraternities ruled the world
The
Top
Ten
People You Have (And Will) Encounter at Cary Street Gym By: Sabrina Fuller
10.) The Towel Guy: Wanna know why Cary Street stopped giving out towels? This guy smuggled out 200 kilos worth of soft, high thread count sweat sopper-uppers. He’d have a pre-workout towel, forehead towel, a towel for his pits, and he’d “accidentally” take them all home. But don’t worry, he’s now being wrung dry by a 200-kilo white supremacist down at the pen. 9.) Plyo-Guy: This guy discovered plyometric fitness last summer and now it’s his Lord and Savior. You can spot him doing burpees or jumping rope in a corner, and if you walk by him don’t be surprised to hear him mumbling “explode!” He’s just self-motivating and excer-bating. 8.) The Rock Wall Guy: He hogs the Rock Wall. He hangs on the ropes upside down. He one-arms the top rock while stepping on other peoples’ fingers, ‘cause he’s extreme and this is an extreme workout. Eventually he’ll attempt to climb Mount Everest and fall to his death due to a bird turd to the pupil.
By: The Black Sheep Imagine a world where political parties were, instead, replaced by Greek letters. Imagine a world where the White House would throw ragers, with the beer pong in the Oval Office and all the dirty bumping and grinding in the black light basement. Imagine if, rather than candidates, frat houses competed for a spot at the White House. The winner would be decided by how cool their t-shirts were and how well they could hold their liquor. With the recent spurt of shawties walking around in matching shirts and balloons, The Black Sheep staff couldn’t help but imagine what a world ruled by “Greek life” would be like. Obviously, VCU is nowhere near as “fratty” as the comparisons we’re about to make, and we’re thankful for that. Things haven’t been the same here since the Headless Rodney Incident of ‘04. No mascot was ever safe to roam the streets again.
Hemings all the way up to Lewinski. If you fail, you’re subject to a political paddling hard enough to shift you from Left to Moderate Left.
Imagine Joe Biden being chosen as Vice President for being a ridiculously good wingman? And if Hillary had to go a weekend without drinking? Hello, WWIII. Our nation would be divided by Greek letters, crowds of people would huddle around the different houses chanting “Theta! Theta! Theta!” and the world would be littered by Lilly Pulitzer and Southern Proper t-shirts. Rather than war with other countries, the US would be in a “Greek” war, with the different frats constantly pranking each others’ houses; TP-ing their lawns, egging their houses, and dumping on front lawns.
And as for the girls, an everyday wardrobe must include stilettos and Bodycon dresses (they’d have the freedom to choose which color). The only exception to these outfits would be when the current frat in office hosted “country night,” or “freaks and geeks,” or, who could forget, lingerie parties. Only the hottest girls and the loudest guys would be able to get into these parties. The liquor stores would no longer be closed on Sundays, but instead would run 24 hours. How else would we be able to supply jungle juice on a daily basis?
Once a frat is elected into the White House, the Supreme Court (aka the Greek Council) would elicit a series of hazing rituals that would include getting all candidates wasted off their asses and forcing them to successfully write and pass a law, negotiating with the bros over in Phi Si while getting a handy, and having everyone recite the names of every presidential sidechick, from Sally
06
As a form of humiliation, all candidates would be forced to post their embarrassing high school prom pictures on Facebook AND Twitter, or announce that they carry more clap than a Juicy J video. Candidates would gain rapport from the voters for how well they can bounce back from a hangover, how good they are at beer pong, and how many girls they can give tongue baths to. Once a frat is elected to the White House, they have the freedom to pass and veto any laws they please. This could have terrible repercussions, like a law passed requiring the entire male population of our country to wear Sperrys and pin striped shorts. THE HORROR!
But in the end, GDI’s would run more amok than they do now, everyone would wake up to “Wagon Wheel” played over loudspeakers, and the US would be one big orgy of brothers and sisters. So let’s keep this but a dream, and leave the incest to West Virginia. We like VCU the way it is — a place where bros can be bros, sisters can be sisters, and no one can force you to listen to Dave Matthews Band.
7.) The Former Fatty: When he isn’t Instagramming before-and-after pictures or pining over recipes on Buzzfeed, you can find him on the 2nd level StairMasters. They are prone to accosting giving advice to fellow gym patrons. Just smile and nod, and don’t forget to compliment them on their journey. If not, they’ll sabotage yours. Oh my, how’d you get that Charlie horse? 6.) The Competitor: This person eats competition for brunch. What’s that? You can bench 250? The Competitor can bench YOU benching 250! Boom! He’ll tear your dreams apart, just like his rotator cuff at the high school homecoming game. Aw, too soon? Have a sip of Muscle Milk and a crysturbate; your life isn’t that meaningless. 5.) The People Watcher: This person posts up in the back on a low speed stationary bike. They pretend to sweat it out and read a magazine, but really they just watch everyone. If you’re attractive, they’ll stare shamelessly, just peddling away. If you’re fugly, they’ll throw all of the salt in your direction. 4.) The Resident Hottie: The RH might turn you into a People Watcher if you aren’t careful. Sweating really makes those “Make It Real” shirts so... transparent. Really. Don’t bother approaching — he/ she majors in condescension. 3.) The Early Bird: The most dedicated gym goer, this person is up at 5 a.m. every day like clockwork. He’s the guy most likely to get salmonella from all the raw eggs he shotguns every morning. You want to make fun of him for having “no life,” but you can’t help but respect him. 2.) Overly Enthusiastic Fitness Instructor: Permanent Ken doll smile? Check. Performing ab blasters like it’s hopscotch, after everyone else has painfully quit? Check. Carly Rae Jepsen dubstep remix playlist? Sigh... check. 1.) First Week Freshman: FWF has no idea what he’s doing. He’s only at Cary to look cool. He’ll probably do only bench presses for three weeks, turning himself into a human seesaw. The Black Sheep is handing out free koozies to whomever leg sweeps this guy. Real men never skip leg day.
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, which one would you choose? r Cody, Junio
“Loch Ness Monster, so he can go find me sunken treasure.”
ior George, Jun
“Minotaur, because they kill people.”
r Josh, Junio
Centaur, because it’s a horseman and I can ride it.
07
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games then you could ever play.
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how to create: By: black sheep staff
a Hypothetical Business
We’re college students for a reason — because we are the brightest, most ambitious, creativest 36% of our age group, and because we love being intoxicated. Oftentimes, this combination leads to entire Saturday nights drunkenly inventing entrepreneurial ventures we won’t even remember in the morning.
like? Let’s take a shower! I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: Everything in the bathroom is great at inspiring our most creative ideas. It is known. Have a seat for ten minutes, or take a long, hot shower. Splash your face with water and stare at your reflection for half an hour — inspiration will come.
There is a right way to creating a fantasy business venture, and there is a wrong way. And too often students ignore procedure in the throes of their high, leading to an empty life as a pencil pusher at some boring generic office to pay the mortgage on their condo. Here’s a handy guide to creating your hypothetical business, as well as the foundation for your retirement plan and your first divorce because “you don’t support my dreams!”
STEP 3: The Seed What it sounds like: “You know that edible body paint stuff? I like that shit. Can we go shopping? Let’s get cupcakes on the way! Oh my God, when’s the last time we went to a comic book shop HOLD UP.” What it is: You’ve recognized a gaping hole in the market; a hole you can hypothetically fill. Let the seed germinate for a few minutes. Yes. Yes! That could work!
STEP 1: The Drunkening What it sounds like: “Come on, you pussy! Finish the bottle! Finish him, haha! Like, BOOM! Do we have anymore root beer schnapps? I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: Drinking is the best way to release all those creativity elves you have stored in your brain, and drinking with friends is the best way to do it without making your roommates think you have a drinking problem. By encouraging you to drink even more, your friends are telling you that they believe in the power of your dreams, and want to see you reach your full potential.
STEP 4: The Pitch What it sounds like: “Check it out! What if we started, like, a nerdy themed bakery, right? Like, Star Trek cake pops and lembas and, like, Hogwarts cupcakes. Hang on, listen, Danny! And in the back, in the back, we could have like a nerd-themed bar, slash sex toy shop!” What it is: Telling other people your idea is very important for many reasons. First, you’re less likely to forget it in the morning, especially if your friends record you furiously gesticulating and falling over. Second, if they’re eccentric billionaires, they might be able to suggest ways to make it happen or pay you for the entertainment. Third, if they’re into it, they’ll help you hammer out some more great ideas, leading to:
STEP 2: Bathroom Time What it sounds like: “Shit, dude, I have to piss like a goddamn racehorse. Ha, what does a racehorse even piss
STEP 5: Infinite Details What it sounds like: “Every week could have a different theme, like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or classic American novels, or Avengers vs Justice League! Yes, Danny, obviously we’d have Borg bondage stuff. ‘Resistance is Futile,’ right? I like Karen’s idea! We could call it, ‘Talk Nerdy to Me’!” What it is: Planning all the trivial hypothetical details is the most fun you can ever have with a hypothetical business. Everything from arming your employees with marshmallow guns to Pantsless Tuesday makes planning your enterprise a fun group activity. Bringing your friends into the action often creates a positive feedback loop of ideas, each feeding off the last, until you have a glorious, one-of-a-kind dream. STEP 6: Too Far What it sounds like: “It’ll be easy! There isn’t a bank in the world that won’t give a business loan on this! And I heard that that bar on Rose just went out of business! We have to get the loan tomorrow and buy the store front while real estate prices are still low! Forget student loans, Kelly, this is gold!” What it is: This buzz-kill step is important to the life cycle of the hypothetical. By suggesting achievability, no matter how ridiculous, you’re bringing the fantastic into the realm of reality, and few drunken ideas are good enough to survive in the real world. STEP 7: What it sounds like: “No, but, wait. Listen. Danny. Listen.
Listen to me. Like, imagine… Karen, wait, shh. Okay. Fire drinks. I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: This is the last stage in the life cycle of the hypothetical business, and it’s important to remember that what feels like flailing and sputtering conversation is actually a normal, healthy transition into a peaceful hypothetical death. STEP 8: Fatality What it sounds like: “BLEUGHHHH cough pant pant BLAAAARRRRRGHHHH oh my God I’m dyi-zzzzzzzzz.” What it is: This sad, messy end is the death of your business hypothetical and your night. While you might be tempted to mourn your loss, we think you should celebrate your experience instead. All good things must come to an end to make way for better things. You might not remember much of your hypothetical business proposal. If you do, it must have been something very special — run with it, little rabbit. If not, a million dollar idea is just around the Thursday. Get some more vodka and repeat!
serious
series addictions
By: Zach Wyrzykowski A guide to faking your way through any series-related conversation...
So the first few weeks of the new semester have gone smoothly in the stenchbox you call a dorm. Your roommate probably isn’t going to skin you in your sleep, and you’ve been dodging the topic of favorite television programs until one day it rears its ugly head. You feel safe informing your roommate that you’ve casually dabbled in a few of the big dogs, like Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead, when he springs on you a terrible truth: he follows his show with devoutness that would frighten the Pope, and now is insisting that you begin catching up on all 25 seasons while he tells you how great each
episode it is. Somehow, he does this to the minutest of detail, while avoiding spoilers. Luckily, there’s a way to avoid this sweaty, fanfic-filled fate: fake it. With only a few vague references, a “favorite character” and a falsified understanding of some inside jokes thanks to your best buds at The Black Sheep, the most loyal Whovian can pass for a Game of Thrones nerd in all but the most engaging of conversations.
game of thrones
breaking bad The Gist: Walter White is a brilliant teacher until he gets cancer, starts cooking meth, shaves his head, and gets progressively more ruthless. Also his brother-in-law is in the DEA. This leads to delightful hijinks of the murder-y kind.
The Gist: Skyrim with politics. It sucks to be a Stark, the Lannisters are richer than Romney, and boobs are everywhere. Like: Tyrion. He’s a dwarf who can talk circles around other every character. He bones everything he can reach, and then some, before falling in love with a whore. A tough little bastard, overall.
Like: Jessie Pinkman, Walt’s cooking partner. He gets less chill with Walt’s self-serving tendencies throughout the series, and tries to distance himself from his meth-filled murder parade several times.
Hate: King Joffrey. He’s a blonde, seventeen-year-old ball of shit. If you ever mention him without using the words “rat bastard” in the same sentence, you’ve been found out.
Hate: Women. Walt’s wife, Jessie’s girlfriends, and really every other female in the series ends up screwing everything up for everyone all the time, somehow.
Fun Phrases: “Valar Morghulis.” “Dragons.” “Hodor.”
Fun Phrases: “Science, bitch!” “Say my name.” “Minerals.”
Difficulty to Fake: Difficult
Difficulty to Fake: Casual
The Newsroom The Gist: Will McAvoy is a news anchor for ACN, a fictional news network set in our universe. His ex-girlfriend/ executive producer shows up and helps him make the news less bullshit and more honest. The entire cast of coworkers get way too involved in each other’s personal lives. Like: Charlie Skinner, McAvoy’s boss and friend. His bow-tie always makes him look like a balloon salesman, and his freak-outs are always followed by large amounts of bourbon. Hate: Reese Lansing, the president of ACN. He’s a sneaky bastard who desperately tries to bring Will and his team down for the sake of profits from advertising. Fun Phrases: “Don Quixote.” “Throw out the rundown.” “Bigfoot.”
Difficulty to Fake: Easy
Sherlock The Gist: A twist on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic detective tales set in modern times. Sherlock is essentially a more badass Sheldon Cooper with a stalwart sidekick and a Blackberry. Like: Irene Adler, dominatrix, master thief and the only person Sherlock shows any interest in romantically. Hate: James Moriarty. He’s as smart as Sherlock, with a metric ton more annoying mannerisms and facial expressions. Fun Phrases: “Mind palace.” “Sherlocked.” “Tea.”
Difficulty to Fake: Elevated
Arrested Development The Gist: A recently-revived sitcom, this show follows the Bluths, a wealthy family with more self-destructive tendencies than Kurt Cobain. It falls to Michael, the unofficial head of the family, to stop the family from destroying itself. Like: Lucille Bluth. She’s an alcoholic, judgmental hypocrite with a dash of racism thrown in. Lucille could teach a college course on backhanded compliments. Hate: Barry Zuckerkorn. He’s the family’s bumbling lawyer, and frequently shows up to court even less prepared than the Bluths. Fun Phrases: “Banana stand.” “No touching.” ”Analrapist.”
Difficulty to Fake: Medium
Dr. who The Gist: Quirky time traveling British guy in a blue police box whose mission is to convince you that everything in the world is actually alive and trying to kill you. This show’s been going on since the beginning of time, so it’s probably best to avoid trying to watch every season at all costs. Like: The Doctor. All of them. There are 13, but they’re all the same person because British people drive on the left side of the road and scoff at things like logic and dentistry. Hate: Daleks. They’re basically a race of R2-D2s, if R2-D2 was big, shiny, and wanted to electrocute everything with his dick. Fun Phrases: “T.A.R.D.I.S.” “Sonic screwdriver.” “Exterminate.”
Difficulty to Fake: Expert
the walking dead The Gist: Zombies. But mostly people talking about them. Rick Grimes is the leader of a group of survivors, and spends most of his free time letting people screw him over, hallucinating about his dead wife, and not watching his son. Like: Daryl Dixon. He’s the no-bullshit redneck with a crossbow who exists to kick ass and take ears. Hate: Carl Grimes, Rick’s thirteen-year-old son. He thinks he’s hot shit because he gets to wear a cowboy hat and doesn’t flinch while shooting his mombie in the head. Fun Phrases: “Carl, get in the house.”
Difficulty to Fake: Easy
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Married
would care less about?: Text messaging.
Major: Environment and Human Society
What was the first CD you ever owned?: Soundgarden – Badmotorfinger
Favorite Drink: I actually don’t drink. Favorite Shot: Sky Juice
If you had to lose one appendage, which would you choose and why?: Left leg, I’ve already broken three bones in that leg. Get rid of the bum one.
Disgusting Drink: Car Bombs. They’ll ruin a sink in half a second. What would you title a TV show that was about Richmond?: RVA Nights What’s the third best restaurant in Richmond?: Zeus Gallery Café. Explain twerking in five words or less: Is that texting while working?
Bobby of Penny Lane Pub
What rumor about yourself would you like to start?: I’m a really cool guy when I’m sober. What’s one thing you wish everyone
Bartenders who can do cool tricks with bottles and stuff: Yea or nay?: Totally nay. Fucking useless, get me my drink, fanboy. Go back to Applebee’s. What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: Saying we’re out of Solo cups. I don’t know, I haven’t been to a party in a long time and I was usually too drunk to remember them. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To stay informed of course and to know the TRUTH.
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Boxing
Sweet Potato Fries
At The Black Sheep, we don’t support roughhousing of any kind, but we do love a good drinking game to get you drunk pretty quick. Get some friends and some girls in bikinis. Welcome to Boxing. *ding ding*
Sweet potato fries are all the rage lately, like twerking and hashtagging the shit out of everything. Instead of going to your favorite restaurant and tossing down a Hamilton for a basket of ‘em, try making a batch yourself. It’s actually not that hard.
What You’ll Need: A stop watch, 2 shot glasses, 2 dice and some beer. Number of Players: Four Level of Intoxication: Let’s hope you can take a punch well.
What You’ll Need: A few pounds of sweet potatoes, cinnamon, olive oil, salt and pepper. Cook Time: About 30 minutes Fatty Factor: It’s a vegetable, or something. You’re fine.
How to Play: - Two of the players (called “boxers”) play head-to-head, like a boxing match, and sit at opposite ends of a table. - The other two players act as the boxers’“coaches” and sit to the side of their desired player. - Give each boxer a die and a shot glass full of beer. - One of the coaches start the timer, and the boxers each roll their die. - The boxer who rolls the lower number takes “the punch” and drinks their shot of beer. Their coach then has to quickly refill the shot glass for the next roll. - The game continues like this: The boxers roll again, the lower number drinks and the shot glass is refilled. - If the boxers roll the same number, just re-roll! - Play three rounds (for three minutes each) with a 30 second break in between. - Once the boxers finish, switch places with the coaches and keep going!
Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. - Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil. - Wash off your potatoes and scrub off any dirt. - If you want, peel the potatoes, but it’s not really necessary. - Cut the potatoes into strips so they’re sized like normal fries. You know what those are right? - Lay out the strips on the aluminum foil as flat as you can. - Drizzle a little olive oil across the fries. Move ‘em around a bit so the oil is evenly dispersed. - Sprinkle on the cinnamon, salt and pepper. - Put the fries in the oven for 20 minutes, stopping halfway through to move them around a bit. Add more cinnamon if you want! - Let them cool a bit before serving, so they don’t burn your mouth or mush together. - Dip them in ketchup, honey mustard or nothing at all!
The Game Ends When: A real fight breaks out. No blood in the beer!
Not a fan of cinnamon? Try them with honey! Or parmesan cheese. There’s no way to go wrong with this.
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Breaking News: Area Man’s Underwhelming Life Affected by the Coming Out of Many Lesser Known Celebrities By: Black Sheep Staff Recent reports indicate that celebs such as Wentworth Miller, the star of Prison Break; Zachary Quinto, Spock in the Star Trek film; and WWE wrestler Darren Young have come out loud and proud as gay men, confirming in the minds of millions of Confederate supporters, religious leaders, and a fair amount of truck drivers that the gays are conquering America. To the dismay of Charlie Sheen and right-wingers everywhere, one area man revealed to our informants that “Honestly, instead of hearing about some gay dude that I wouldn’t know is a celebrity unless someone told me, at the end of the day, I would rather just take a bubble bath and find something new to pulse in my food processor.”
“...at the end of the day, I would rather just take a bubble bath and find something new to pulse in my food processor.” Sources confirmed that the area man is a twenty-something data entry specialist straight out of college who lives by himself in a two bedroom apartment, who is surprisingly okay with his life. The coming out of many celebs has given the area man very little to think about. Earlier this month, he released a statement to reporters indicating he neither
plans on becoming an advocate for LGBT communities nor for anti-gay rights. While many have found the area man’s apathy utterly appalling, he fails to waiver and wishes to continue living a normal life. The area man recently agreed to let a select few reporters shadow him in order to better understand how the average American male has reacted to this new influx of gay C-list celebrities. One reporter stated that the full impact of publicly coming-out-of-the-closet gay celebrities must have been lost on the area man since he blankly listened to talk radio that briefly discussed the topic and then proceeded to make a turkey sandwich and walk his dog, Mr. McFluffers. Another reporter made a similar observation that it’s as if the area man’s life hasn’t been affected at all by this news as he continues his hobbies of assembling model airplanes and frequenting local dive bars with the IT guys from the seventh floor of his work building. “It’s really baffling,” one neighbor commented with a shocked disposition, “it’s like the sexuality of others has no bearing on his daily life. He just continues to use his panini press like it’s no big deal, and, guuurl, doesn’t he know the gays invented the panini press?” The neighbor continued to reveal his sneaking suspicion that the area man may in fact himself be gay stating, “I have never seen him with a woman. I don’t think he even wants to be with a woman sexually, and, ew, like who would?” When confronted about his sexuality, the area man claimed to be straight just “not interested in dating right now.”
While the local area man may continue to carry out his days in unaltered solitude, celebrities all across the US are now in with the gays. In whatever way the daily lives of Americans have been affected by this starling wave of new age gays, one thing is certain: women are a thing of the past. Gone are the days of moms having maternity leaves lasting longer than the time they spent in college finding a husband before promptly dropping out, and in are the days of gay parents adopting the children of Ecuador, Guatemala, and the Philippines and generally sticking it to the straights everywhere.
the seek n find
can you find everything in this computer lab? Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!
famous jims ACROSS 1) President Jimmy, of the late 70s. 3) This Jimmy wants you to come on down to Margaritaville. 5) Jim Davis created this famous kitty cartoon. 6) Jim Morrison sang, “Come on baby, light my” what? 10) One of the headliners of Woodstock ‘69, two words. 11) This rapper’s biggest single was 2006’s “We Fly High,” two words. 12) Last name of Jim on The Office. 13) This Jimmy’s hit song was “The Middle,” two words. 15) Creator of Kermit the Frog, amongst others. DOWN 1) This Jim’s most famous role was as Jesus in The Passion of the Christ. 2) Jim Parsons played this character on The Big Bang Theory. 2) Sean Connery is amongst many who
played this famous James. 4) Former SNL cast member turned latenight talk show host. 5) This comedian’s most famous standup is King Baby. 7) British hottie Jim Sturgess played Jude in the 2007 film Across the what? 8) Guitarist and leader of Led Zeppelin, two words. 9) Former co-host of The Man Show. 14) Jim Carrey played this character in the successful 1998 film.
crossword
6 degrees of separation
Kendrick Lamar to
Dana Carvey These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @Blacksheep_VCU First 3 right answers get a prize!
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