The Black Sheep
a As frs fre ee a e as t s yo h e w ur ind tho bl ng ows sho . ws ...
Vol. 5, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/12/13 - 9/18/13
Breaking bathsalts the alleged reason why we need a new Rodney Ram BY: SolarMane VCU recently held tryouts to find the next person to don the Rodney Ram outfit. The Commonwealth Times might use “facts” to tell you the last Rodney graduated, but that’s not a juicy enough story, so here’s the alleged reason why we need a new Rodney Ram. Remember, this story is alleged, so please don’t complain about it on Twitter for like, two days. We all take losses hard, but last year after the VCU vs. Michigan game, Rodney Ram took it harder. Security cameras at a convenience store in Auburn Hills, Michigan showed Rodney cleaning out the O.E shelf and as well as copping a bottle of Cuervo and a bottle of Everclear. A trainer close to the situation, whose name is being withheld for confidentiality purposes, told The Black Sheep that he witnessed Rodney drain every last drop of the booze on the trip back to Richmond. When he arrived to the airport, Rodney took a cab back to the city. Unfortunately, in his drunken stupor, Rodney sputtered to the driver, “take me to the church! I’m ill!” Even though Rodney was thinking of the cathedral next to Shafer, the cab driver dropped him off in the middle of Church Hill. Now thoroughly rammed, Rodney stumbled into a trap house, but thankfully the drug lords who owned the house were known as the friendliest trap stars in the city. They recognized Rodney and decided not to beat the crap out of him, they even gave him some free bath salts, which really perked his mood up. Rodney liked the way these salts made him feel, they made him forget his ruined hopes for the basketball team. Every-
thing was fast and everyone was happy, despite being along in a dilapidated house a gray day in March, he felt like he was in the middle of Sigel Center pumping up the Rowdy Rams! A local dog walker reported she saw Rodney in the Oakwood Cemetery hunched behind some graves, lighting some kind of glass tube. She then saw Rodney pop up and sprint out of the cemetery, and down the street, ripping off all his clothes except for his head — because as a mascot, even when you’re on bath salts and drunk, YOU NEVER TAKE OFF THAT HELMET. A woman given the alias “Betty Kayme” has alleged the rest of this report. Miss Kayme is alleged to have had “relations” with Rodney. She told us that she found Rodney twerking on the Tableith statue, screaming “Screw Trey Burke,” whilst showering himself in bath salts. Rodney ran up to Miss Kayme, “about to eat [her] face,” when she suggested he eat something else. Rodney looked her long in the eye, then proceeded to perform acts he’d seen on the internet such as: the Angry Dragon, the Cleveland Steamer, the Tony Danza, and the mythical ZJ. Unfortunately for Rodney, Miss Kayme was an amateur filmmaker and a University of Michigan spy, who sought to shame the Rams even more than they had already. Therefore, when the video surfaced, Rodney had to give up his head, and hold his real head in shame. Hopefully the new Rodney will bring as much pep and cheer as the old Rodney, but won’t succumb to taking methamphetamines, cemetery dwelling, and twerking alone in public places.
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VCU Makes It Real ...Hard to Graduate
Are You Moderately Prepared For Some Football!?!
If Fraternities Ruled The World
4 years and you’re out? That’s cute.
Wait, “Rams” is taken? Never mind.
Forget about a G20 summit, how about a 420 Summit!
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