VCU - Issue 4 - 5/1/2014

A W SEENTIS R D E S PRE E F R E E D O M U A H A N E G A N D A C M S H E I I S S U E L P E E H S K C A L B THE

THE FUN AND GAMES ISSUE Volume 6, Issue 4 • 5/1/2014 @BlackSheep_VCU

T H E

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>> CAMPUS MANAGER Sabrina Fuller EDITORIAL MANAGER Lorenzo Simpson ADVERTISING MANAGERS Tyler Harvey WRITERS Lorenzo Simpson, Julie Gassaway Nathan Heintschel, Kalsey Hanratty Sabrina Fuller, Elena Correa SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Eva Soloman

Meet the Staff <<

MARKETING TEAM Selamawit Tadesse, Brian Guerrero Kelsey Knight, Lul Hussein Eva Solomon, Jackie Juarez CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham OWNER Atish Doshi FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER Ingrid Medrano

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the quiz

What VCU Summer Internship Are You?

1.) It’s 8:30a.m. You are…: a. Chomping on Cheerios, Daily News-ing it up. b. Submitting your third application today…from your Galaxy S5... while jogging. c. Dreaming about a threesome with two Jennifer Lawrences.

2.) Your roommate reminds you the rent’s due tomorrow. You…: a. Ask them to cover you, right before you press the “online purchase” button on a pair of Yeezy Red Octobers. b. Fork it over, crying silently about your new obligatory ramen and tap water diet. c. Already paid it last week, it ain’t no thang.

3.) You walk into your Senior Seminar wearing…: a. A bomb-ass three-piece suit. Two words: So. Fresh. b. A polo and khakis. Hey, you can’t afford much else. c. Jeans and an “OBEY” t-shirt...for the ho’s, for they thirst.

4.) Trinidad James is…: a. A god amongst men. b. In need of some god -- any god. c. Y’know...a person.

answer key:

5.) It’s 4:43p.m. You get off at 5, but you still haven’t finished your work. You…: a. Work until 5, then take the rest with you. All work and no play makes Jack a fun worker! b. Don’t sleep, eat, or cough until the job’s done. This is life, man. c. Are already at the bar...TURNT. Twerk is greather than work.

6.) Describe a handshake with your boss. a. Fist bump? No? Come on, bruh... b. You shake their hand, but look at the clock behind her. c. Grip it, baby. Grip it right.

7.) Your friends are…: a. Too busy running empires to ”chill” on a Friday night. b. Figuring it out. You’re not quite sure what “it” is. c. Stoned. Like you, right now.

8.) What quote screams, “YOU?” a. “Whatever happens, happens.” b. “Do or do not. There is no try.” c. “Ain’t nobody got time ‘fo dat!”

8 - 12: Paper Moon club promoter: Summer heat on the dance floor, you’ll be there.

You wouldn’t miss a beat. And it’ll be a blast!

That is, until the 12th time a toothless stripper yaks all over your Red Octobers. Get it together. Seriously. There’s life after graduation.

13 - 19: Commonwealth Times writer: Not lame enough for the bottom of the barrel, but not good enough for the big leagues. No biggie. You can still have fun busting your ass to write a story...which may or may not get published. Depends on the polar ice caps, or something.

20 - 24: Shaka Smart’s personal assistant: Huzzah! Your work ethic is basically at the presidential level. You don’t eat a cannoli unless it’s scheduled in your calendar. This’ll make you perfect for helping out the fearless leader of the mighty Rams! Get it, sahn.

1) A=2 B=3 C=1 • 2) A=1 B=2 C=3 • 3) A=3 B=2 C=1 • 4) A=1 B=3 C=2 • 5) A=2 B=3 C=1 • 6) A=1 B=2 C=3 • 7) A=3 B=2 C=1 • 8) A=2 B=3 C=1

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“BUT THE DOG ATE MY MORALS!”

EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE TO YOUR FINAL EDWARD FAHEY WROTE THIS

Finals season breeds some pretty intense stress, so the least you can do is be prepared with some grade-A excuses for if, and when, you end up Usain Bolt-ing in the door of a final and are met with the age old question: “Why are you late?”

Because It’s Hard In These Streets: Nothing beats a road-rash type street excuse, but you gotta sell it with your entire body. Come in hopping on one foot for a solid “I was hit by a skateboarder”, or better yet, slap a packet of ketchup on your chest for a totally convincing stab wound in the classic: “I got mugged crossing the Compass” routine. Your professor will be so impressed that you came to the test anyway that you’ll certainly get an A! Because I’m Basically Batman: Some professors can be pretty stubborn about their late policy, so sometimes a more emotionally gripping tale is needed. If you happen to have a job where things can get a little hairy, now is the time to

353-8885 en until 2am

break out your best doozy. Combining a few items that appeal to a variety of people ensures you can’t go wrong.

It’s like madlibs! Oh, you’re a volunteer firefighter (noble profession), who was called to save a litter of kittens (cute and or aesthetically pleasing noun) from a burning church (place of social significance)? Have a seat, hero.

Because Library = Death: Club Cabell is a place notorious for creating delays amongst the VCU masses, from students to professors alike, so it’s a good target for our excuses as it is a commonly acknowledged black hole of time. Good excuses in this case are truths that have a tiny, little itty-bitty lie in them for effect.

Like: “Have you seen the new doors on the library? A fat kid slipped on a venti moccachino right in the middle and literally Snorlax blocked all the doors!

So no one could get out of the library, people started getting hysterical, I think three kids got trampled like we were at Wal-Mart on Black Friday, I’m just happy

to be alive.”

See, the truth there is that those doors suck. A lot.

Because Jedi Mind Trick: Sometimes the best way to create an excuse is just by muddling your professor’s words to confuse them. So when asked why you were late, you can say: “Well you see, Einstein once claimed time was relative.

So if time is relative, and relative is a relative homophone for relevant, and irrelevant is the antonym to relevant, then it is irrelevant that I’m late.” That sounded convincing right? Your prof doesn’t want to argue with you, they just want you to take the test and leave so they can get back to whatever secret shit professors do, and by being late you’re holding them up, and by giving a long-winded excuse you’re wasting even more time.

Because I’m Basically House, M.D: If you happen to be always looking for an excuse to be able to be late to class, and the excuses just aren’t cutting it, there’s a

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guaranteed way to go about never being late again. Here’s what you do: Un-enroll your current classes in exchange for premed classes, then actually go to those classes. Graduate, then apply for medical school, get in, and chillax. Save a few lives here and there, no biggie.

Graduate AGAIN, get a residency at a hospital for a few years, and FINALLY, become a doctor. Now you can be late to any class you want, BECAUSE YOU CAN ALWAYS WRITE YOURSELF A NOTE! Bam, problem solved forever. You’re welcome, America. Also added benefit of this excuse is you become a doctor. Totally

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useful.

Because Conclusion: Long story short, there are more than a few good reasons for being late to a final, so don’t worry about it. Leaving your apartment three minutes before your exam is a good way to get your adrenaline pumping, and coming up with an excuse is basically a warm up for your brain. So there you go, your homies at The Black Sheep gotchu with those crucial exam tips to get you at the top of your game. Just don’t go blaming us when your first job out of college is at Taco Bell. And...cue the world’s smallest violin.

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AROUND CAMPUS

THE

TOP

TEN

RICHMOND SUMMER JOBS LORENZO SIMPSON WROTE THIS

So, did that other guy get the job/internship you wanted more than oxygen? Was it because his portfolio was all creative, made out of Legos or some shit? It’s okay, we’ve been there. It’s back to the minimum-wage grind for you. But it’s not all bad. You’re in Richmond! Let’s have a look at your possible J.O.Bs around campus.

10.) Sticky Rice: It’s a hot, fast-paced kitchen, and if you don’t keep up, you might get a sushi roll to the face. A very delicious sushi roll, but yeah. However, if you can keep up, you’ll get to spend the summer working at a spot where the food really sticks in your memory.

9.) Summer RA: What better way to truly enjoy the summer than to be in charge of watching over like, three people? Roommates are usually awful, and now you only have to deal with ones that don’t share a bathroom with you.

A SNEAK PEEK INTO THE

FALL SEMESTER SABRINA FULLER WROTE THIS

You’re gearing up for the best summer of your life. You’ve snagged a summer internship (read: you found a minimum wage job in your hometown). You have three whole months to sit around -- no projects, no papers, no problems. But what happens when your summer days drift away? Will everything at VCU still be the same? Well, The Black Sheep sat down with a local psychic who swore she has the lowdown on what to expect this fall. And it only cost us $29.99 plus tax.

Enter Madame Ram. Madame Ram predicts that there will be absolutely no road construction this fall.

She sees cone-free streets in all of our futures. Sure, that means the potholes will still be around, but at least traffic will flow a little better. A plus: every time you drive into Shockoe Bottom, you’ll get a free back massage. Tell us that isn’t totally worth it.

Our community clairvoyant also predicted better food in Shafer, “the likes of which we have never seen.” Madame Ram saw Kobe beef sizzling on the Ram’s Grill. She saw golden tiger fish sushi at Stir Crazy. Oh, and some vegan stuff for the vegans-- she didn’t get too specific on that one. Either way, VCU students are set to enjoy luxurious cuisine next semester. Madame Ram guarantees it.

Perhaps the most exciting news of all is that there will be therapy dogs in the Commons more often. That’s right, you won’t have to wait until finals to pet a furry friend. The dogs will frequently visit the Commons to help keep students sane throughout the

06

semester. These puppies are specially trained in cognitive analytic therapy. They have the degrees to prove it! Tell them what your problem is and they’ll tell you how to fix it.

There will be special dog translators to help out with the language barrier-- not all of us are fluent in dog after all. If you don’t have any serious issues, you’re still welcome to pet the dogs for a while. That’s cool too.

The mystic Madame Ram made one more prediction, but The Black Sheep is skeptical about this one. Ms. Ram looked right into her dusty crystal ball and told us lower textbook prices are in everyone’s future.

Of course, as serious journalists we had to question the verity of this prediction. We took a look inside of her crystal ball as well, but only saw our reflections. Madame Ram, on the other hand, saw textbook markdowns for every major. No more paying hundreds of dollars for on books and solution manuals and access keys. You can spend that money on something waaayyy more useful.

Madame Ram gave us some really awesome predictions to look forward to. Maybe coming back this fall won’t feel like a slow death after all. Maybe our tuition money will be put to good use. Maybe the VCU administration has started to truly care about its students.

If you want to know what’s specifically in store for you this fall, you could always go see Madame Ram for yourself. She works out of an abandoned building in Jackson Ward -- nights only. Yeah, it sounds kind of sketch but it’s really not so bad. Just uh, make sure you bring cash.

8.) VCUTour Guide: Herding masses of new college applicants to their impending doom -- er, we mean bright and job-plentiful future is a great way to re-familiarize yourself with the campus, and to laugh at the newbies who bust their asses on the crack-laden pavement.

7.) Red Eye Delivery Guy: You’ll be everyone’s favorite Richmonder after you take this job delivering warm cookies and milk to the boozed and blazed citizens of this colorful city. As for your play with the ladies, this ensures that you’ll be delivering the goods all night. BAM! 6.) Server at Osaka Sushi & Steak: Yeah, we know. Another sushi joint on this list. However, this place is frequented by none other than Mike Henry! This guy works on a little show called Family Guy, providing the voice of Cleveland. Maybe you’ll see him one day! P.S: we heard he LOVES doing the voice.

5.) Midlothian Delivered: Richmond’s sister town has a really cool delivery service that’ll hook you up with any restaurant dish you want for 5 friggin bucks! from Chinese to Mickey D’s, this is one of the more unique delivery services you can work for.

4.) VCU Brandcenter: Working as a receptionist for advertising students at VCU’s fine grad school ensures that you’ll never be bored. Ever. With very loud ideas flying every which way 24/7, you might get a contact high and write an awesome screenplay on your lunch break!

3.) BoDillaz: It’s a quesadilla restaurant. It’s open until 3a.m. They serve habanero-flavored tortillas.

And every ‘dilla comes with French fries. Sure, most of your time would be spent working instead of eating, but come on! You should never want to leave a place where fries and ‘dillas exist on the same plate!

2.) Cary St. Gym: Yes you’ll have to endure the stank of hard work for about 8 hours a day, but your front-row seat to attractive people in tight clothing bending their bodies makes it so, so worth it.

1.) Student: When you were a kid, going to summer school usually meant you screwed up royally. Now that you’re in your twenties, it means you’ll get to learn something awesome related to your major, and you’ll graduate even sooner! Well, hopefully. We all know how much VCU LOVES their students, never wanting their mone--them to leave.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT FICTIONAL FINAL WOULD YOU MOST EASILY GET A 100% ON? Dereck, Freshman

“Sleeping”

Tyler, Sophomore

“Girls. Chill to Pull Ratio.”

Iyla, Sophomore

“Pop Music 101”

07

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Food and Event Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERY DAY Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

FRIDAY: Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps DJ Jinxx Every Weekend - NO COVER

Monday - Friday: Happy Hour 3-6pm

Sunday: $1 Tacos

Asian Fusion, Sushi, Hibachi. 24 Craft Beers on Tap, Modern Atmosphere & Great Service!

Happy Hour Everyday 4:30pm-7pm

Thursday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps

Happy Hour 3-6pm March Madness Specials All Day!

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Open Until 2am!

Check out our Facebook page for special events!

Friday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps DJ Jinxx Every Weekend - NO COVER

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Open Until 2am!

Check out our Facebook page for special events!

Saturday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

DJ Jinxx Every Weekend - NO COVER

Come Watch the Game Here!

Come in on Sunday for $1 Tacos!

Open Until 2am!

Check out our Facebook page for special events!

Sunday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99

Come Watch the Game Here!

$1 Tacos!!!

Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm Beverage & Food Specials!

Monday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide 4-8 pm: $2 OFF Select Apps

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm Beverage & Food Specials!

Tuesday

1/2 Off Growler Night!

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00, Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps BURGER SPECIAL Buy One, Get One FREE TE-QUIL-YA TUESDAYS

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm Beverage & Food Specials!

Wednesday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @BLACKSHEEP_VCU

the madlib

Cleaning Out Your Dorm Room

Turning in your books was a breeze, using up the rest of your swipes was like that__1__ you haven’t felt since 2011, and putting your pencil down after your last exam is like someone stopped __2__ from __3__ in your general direction. But there’s one final obstacle: cleaning out your dorm room.

Cleaning out this damn dorm room isn’t too cray cray after all.

Until of course, you find that leftover __13__ from two weeks ago in your desk drawer.

You can’t exactly decide where you want to start, but you figure you should have at least a few boxes or __4__ to put your things in. After you borrow some boxes from __5__ you get to work. You look around at all of the nonsense you’ll have to deal with. There’s a television that’s been broken for weeks as well as a printer that’s useless and a desert of winter clothes that have been __6__ under your bed since March. Your school work will be the easiest to clean up; where’s the trash can? The closet is filled with shoes, clothes, and is that a__7__?

You grab a broom and vacuum to begin the deep cleaning process. You find leftover weed that’s still good and those coupons handed out at the beginning of the semester that everyone claims they don’t use, when in reality they do help a __14__ out. You feel sick knowing a family of spiders and their web of baby spiders have been living under your mattress, causing you to run to what used to be the nearest trash can that is now packed away in your mom’s orange __15__.

Instead your puke ends up in the middle of the tile floor you used to call your own and decide against mopping it up. That’s what __16__ is for.

Beer cans are stashed throughout your room; it seems like an Easter egg hunt just to find them all. There’s still so much to do and you keep finding things you didn’t even remember having; condoms in your __8__, under your __9__ and stuffed into your favorite pillow—very__10__. __11__ pills buried beneath dirty towels and scattered under your__12__ wardrobe.

Finally you’ve completed the awful task of cleaning out your dorm room and want nothing more than to flop on your couch at home and forget about the fact that this will have to be done at the same time next year. Until then you __17__ home, trying not to dream about the spider family resting under your bed.

Ali Bee wrote this

1) Emotion 2) Your mortal enemy 3) Mean action, -ing 4) Container, plural 5) Disliked Professor 6) Adverb 7) Sex toy 8) Furniture #1 9) Furniture #2 10) Adjective 11) Prescription 12) Adjective 13) Jonah’s dish 14) Sibling M/F 15) Clunker car 16) Sibling’s name 17) Means of transportation

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B AMES G G The IN K IN | DR R SPECIALS | BA ARTICLES

ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this

Well, it’s about that time of the year again.

The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.

ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns

4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs

For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.

Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.

3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on 7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd

Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”

We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.

6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival

9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.

“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.

8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s

2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd

Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not.

Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?

One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.”

Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.

5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts

Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.

1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do

It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.

Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Literature: This Harper Lee classic won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.

2) Food: Chanterelle and Porcini are types of this produce.

3) Geography: Europe’s microstate Andorra is sandwiched between the borders of two countries. Name one.

4) Music: What 80s rap group struck anti-establishment gold with hits like, “Straight Outta Compton” and “F*** the Police”?

5) Biology: The 21 variations of these organic compounds found in the human body allow it to produce thousands of different proteins.

SALWA SHEIBANY, ARABIC PROFESSOR

DRINKING GAME You Can’t Take it With You Finals are over. Summer is here. Why is it, then, that you’re anxious? Maybe it’s because nothing is packed up and your parents will be here tomorrow. They’re not going to let you take that half a handle, quarter of a fifth, and half a case of beer in the car with you, so, uh…here goes nothin’.

What You’ll Need: Whatever beer, wine, and liquor you have laying around. Also, your cleaning supplies. You have those, right?

Number of Players: However many roommates you have.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be too nauseous to get lightheaded from the cleaning supplies.

How to Play: -Make a list of all the rooms in your apartment.

-Divide each of these rooms into a sub-list: Floor, walls and ceiling, furniture, appliances and fixtures.

-Draw names. First person drawn gets to choose which room he begins in, etc.

-In each room, each participant is required to clean the entire room.

-Each time he finishes a sub-segment of the room (floor, furniture, etc.) he may assign a 10-second beer chug or a 5-second wine rip to one of the other participants.

-When a participant clears a room, he can assign a shot to another participant.

-When a room is cleaned, move onto the next room.

-If a participant tops off a garbage bag, he must drop off said garbage bag.

-A participant who finishes cleaning a sub-segment of a room may ask the other participants if it is adequately clean. If asked, participants must be honest about the cleanliness of a room.

-If a participant cleans a sub-segment of a room and doesn’t ask for a cleanliness check, then assigns drinks and a room is later dubbed not properly cleaned, the person assigned to that room must match the drinks he assigned.

The Game Ends When: Your apartment is clean…enough to get most of your security deposit back.

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6) Technology: What tech giant recently bought Oculus VR for $2 billion?

7) Television: What sitcom classic ends with the main character telling a stranger, “Sorry, we’re closed”?

8) Fashion: What hairstyle is defined as a cut with short layers on top with the back left long?

9) Art: Water Lilies is a series of about 250 oil paintings by what French impressionist?

10) Sports: What Hall of Fame-elect was famously known as “The Big Hurt”?

Salwa’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) I don’t know 2) Mushroom 3) France 4) I don’t listen to rap 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook? 7) Cheers 8) What?

9) Claude Monet 10) What?

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) France or Spain 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

Salwa’s Score: 6 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER Oh Shit, You’re Going to be Late, Better Grab a Banana Dude, you said you were going to get up at like, 7a.m. to study for that finance final. You still had to study chapter 8! Well, there’s no time for that now. Just grab a banana, you need something in your stomach.

What You’ll Need: A banana. Shut up, they’re delicious.

Cook Time: 0 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Bananas have like, 200 good calories, dude.

Let’s Get Baked: - Get out of bed and put on some pants. A shirt? Do you have time for a shirt? Okay, you better put on a shirt.

- Grab a banana from your kitchen. Who cares if it’s your roommate’s banana?

-Start speed walking to class. The best part of bananas? You can eat them while you speed walk.

-Top Tip: Did you know that if you open a banana from the bottom, those gross stringy bits don’t get all over your banana?

-Eat your banana. You can do it!

-Not that fast, dude, you might choke.

-Haha, yeah, they do kinda look like dicks.

Phew, you made it just in time. Don’t throw the peel away, leave it in a doorway, maybe you’ll end up tripping that kid who always asked questions just as the bell rang.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

DRINKING GAME WALKING HOME FROM YOUR LAST FINAL VCU Staff wrote this

So, you’re walking home from a final you either barely passed or bombed like an Al-Qaeda Nazi trying to attack a golden retriever puppy orphanage. You need a way to numb the synapse-frying, bowel-expelling stress of possibly having your inheritance revoked for dickin’ around all semester. So, you reach into the inside pocket of your tattered leather jacket and take out your second favorite flask (the first one you left in the exam room), and prepare to tie it on.

But wait! How about drinking in a way that differentiates you from the alcoholics? A way that fully involves strangers? Make a super-fun game out of it! This way, you can totally brownout during the fourth chew-out session with your mother, father, grandparents, and probation officer.

What You’ll Need: A drinking flask acquired in gratuitous battle, with bloodstains still present on the side. Also, it should be filled with some sort of liquor.

Number of Players: 1+ Level of Intoxication: Super Saiyan 4 Goku level. So like, well over 9,000.

How to Play: -Begin right after you take the last final you have this semester. You’re

about to kiss Richmond goodbye.

-Fill a flask with your favorite libation. Bring it with you to the exam room, then crack that bitch open as soon as you leave.

-You have to be mobile at all times. Ankle breaks, hit the crab walk.

-You must make eye contact with everyone that looks in your direction, no matter how awkward.

-Bonus points if you see your ex and make them SUPER uncomfortable.

-Saunter on down to the Compass area, so you can feed off others’ energy.

Hit the Nae Nae (Hard) with Your Flask in Your Raised Hand. Bring it Down to Drink When: -You trip over a crack in the pavement.

-You ram your crotch into the VCU Desk.

-The VCU Desk vanishes right after you run into it.

-Someone from The Black Sheep shoves a paper in your face.

-You attract a circle of people.

-They start throwing money at you, making it rain on that drunk ass.

-A homeless man runs in to pick up the money.

-You punch him because he didn’t work for that money.

-A photography student shoots this for their senior portfolio.

Stand on Your Right Foot and Drink Twice When: -A touring group of elementary schoolers walks by.

-The Campus Connector comes around.

-The RamSafe comes around.

-Someone’s dog walks up and tries to figure you out.

-The Red Bull people offer you a sugar-free drink.

-Someone from the Commonwealth Times shoves a paper in your face.

-One of your professors invites you to his AA group, having felt your pain.

-A frat offers you a place on their step team.

-The Mormons ask you to take a card, any card.

-The breakdancing groups become visibly pissed that you’re getting more attention than them.

-The Notochords show up and perform “Blame It” by Jamie Foxx.

The Game Ends When: Your classmate chases you down, dodging the vomit puddles you left behind and tells you you forgot to put your VCU ID number on your Scantron, so you have to drunk run across campus to find your professor. Or when the cops show up and withdraw their giant tasers. Whichever comes first.

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FIND YOUR FRIGGIN’ 10-PAGE PAPER!

You woke up late and need to turn your paper in on time, but there’s 10 pages scattered around the room... oh no! Well what are you waiting for, go on and find ‘em!

the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

SUMMER LOVIN’ EDITION Summer Slampiece: - Sexy Secretary Intern - Punk Festival Princess - Golf Cart Girl - Ice Cream Truck Ice Queen Summer Sex Slave: - Bad Boy Barista - Mall Kiosk Sunglasses Guy - Toned and Tan Lifeguard - Ring Toss Carnie

Where You First “Made Love”: - Looking at the stars at Lucky Man’s Pass - The supply closet on your lunch break - On your parents’ bed when they were away - In the McDonald’s ball pit after hours

You Spend the Fourth of July: - On a boat with some beer - At a family gathering meet-n-greet - Shoving firecrackers up frogs’ butts - Stuck working a stupid shift

Most Nights are Spent: - Cuddling in front of a campfire - Forgetting each other’s names at the bar - Looking for someone with a dime bag - Watching baseball on TV

Road Trip Destination: - Bonnaroo!

- Cedar Point - A National Park camp site - To take care of his/her sick grandma

The First Big Fight Happens When You Can’t get Tickets to: - X-Men: Days of Future Past - 22 Jump Street - Maleficent - Jupiter Ascending

Awkward Break-Up Platitude: - “Summer lovin’, had me a blast.”

- “One year from today, exactly, let’s meet here in this very spot.”

- “I’ll wait for you, I swear.”

- “Chlamydia’s not contagious, right?”

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