The Black Sheep
FR go EE.. t fr . lik om e t sw he c im as mi e o ng f in sep th sis e J yo am u es !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_vcu
Volume 4, Issue 6 • 2/21/13 - 2/27/13
spring break!: ROAD TRIP! BEER! THIRD THING! lorenzo simpson wrote this
AW YEAH! The breaking of spring. Time to call up four of your closest friends, load up the Toyota with Doritos and Arizona Iced Tea, and head out on a weeklong excursion in search of inebriated adventure, which will ultimately end in a blood oath never to be spoken of until 20 years from now, when you all start disappearing one by one. Spring break is a time to celebrate the beginning of a new season by filling Super Soakers with Four Loko and spraying them at bikini-clad women who are too gone to realize that whatever they flash on camera will be discovered by their kids in the future when they stay up and witness Girls Gone Wild 65: Spring Break 2013. But enough slut-shaming, this article’s all about the ride. Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single engine rev. When going on a road trip, you need to bring the essentials. Countless bags of salty chips are mandatory for any trek on four wheels. Get a big ol’ economy size bag from Costco, because even your boss knows that Costco keeps the cost low (economical swag). Make sure to get a cooler filled with tasty beverages, such as Monster to keep the driver up, Coke Zero for your “healthy friend” who still hammers down Whoppers when they think no one’s looking, and Canada Dry for your carsick little brother whom your mom made you take with. Oh, and throw in some extra-large Gatorade bottles; they make amazing urinals in a pinch. Make some ham and cheese sandwiches for the road, but PLEASE skip on the mayo. Salmonella produces the worst party poopers (pun very much intended). Alcohol is fine too, just as long as the driver only uses the beer bottles to throw at slow jaywalkers.
making a massive, dirty, exhaust-belching vehicle more obnoxious by getting it to make loud noises.
Before you leave, make sure you have enough gas in the car. Or make sure you bring along a jacked friend, so they can push the car the last few miles. When you’ve finally left the neighborhood, put on some good music to cruise to. Wiz Khalifa, Kendrick Lamar, or anything from Odd Future will ensure fun will be had by all. Make sure to have an agreement with all passengers that if anyone utters the names of Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen or No Direction, they will be receiving the Mitt Romney treatment (i.e. they will spend the duration of the trip latched to the roof of the car in a urinestained kennel). If and when you drive past an 18 wheeler, always give them the horn-honking signal. There’s nothing better than
Your GPS has to be on point. Get a real one, because using Siri or Google Maps on your phone will ensure that you will never get to your destination. It’s very likely you’ll end up in some dank, tumbleweed town like Stabbington, Connecticut, population: 10 (all corpses). If that happens, just turn around, roll out slowly, and ignore the voices in your head. When you finally get to your spring break destination, be it a beach house, a lake house, or your great aunt Helen’s house (her macaroons are the shyznitz), make sure to mind the parking rules. You don’t want to take that walk/bus ride of shame to the impound lot. But after all that, you can start having fun! Drink just enough not to pass out, stay somewhat close to
Spring Broke 2: Broke Harder Just when you thought it was safe to leave money in your checking account…
page 4
what'’s inside
your friends, and be sure to give a shout out to VCU if you make it on camera. And if one of your group members doesn’t make it to the meet-up spot the next morning, just check your pockets for clues. And maybe call the police -- just be sure to sound sober: “Well, we were out having some consensual sober fun, when he just disappeared!” Spring break is a magical time of dancing, debauchery and deatahem, dancing. The week itself contains enough hardcore partying for eight lifetimes, plus one. But the journey there is just as special -- telling jokes, farting on everyone, and saying the N-word when your black friends aren’t around. When you get back, your parents may look at your funky, dinged up ride and think of one word: ratchetness. But the only thought in your mind? Bonding.
The Conceptual Limitations of ratemyprofessor.com
Bartender of the week
page 6
page 12
Because crowd-sourcing may not be the smartest way to decide your educational future.
Brian from Selba would like to remind us all to not throw ice at the bartenders.
contents page 5: Iron Laden to Kitty Maidens: Monopoly’s Strives for Gender Equality
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6
A new Monopoly game piece means steps in the right direction for women.
page 6: The Top 10 (Potentially Dangerous) Things to Do if You’re Stuck in RVA over Spring Break Richmond over Spring Break is a lot like Australia in the Mad Max movies, only with more gas and less stuff to do.
Table of
page 7: from the streets Where’s the weirdest place you’ve taken a piss?
page 9: The Pros of Blood Diamonds Diamonds are forever, but the guilt of buying a blood diamond can be relieved pretty quick!
page 13: Cancun Bar Remembers Richmond Hero Her boobs will forever be in our hearts and memories.
page 9
now hiring!
Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?
Marketing, Sales, Promotions, Writing, Groupies, & More!
apply online at theblacksheeponline.com
page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T ile App
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
Mob
G GAMES IN K RIN D | CS | PARTY PI LS IA C BAR SPE SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE iPHONE APP
SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE ANDROID APP
Sexy Anagrams
The Black Sheep is 100% recyclable and 125% fierce when worn as an accessory.
(Want to become famous next week?) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Hay Burp Rim
Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
SEX HUT IRON JUT last week’s answers
Malin Akerman & John Legend
word of the week Egocentrick: A delusional personality trait in which a loathed person perceives themselves as popular.
“When Kaylee invited herself to Jason’s party after he called her a bloated sea whore, we knew she was egocentrick.”
page 4
theblacksheeponline.com
Spring Broke 2: Broke Harder Daniel Park wrote this We The Black Sheep fellas aren’t exactly financial advisers, but even Helen Keller could gesture in signlanguage that you, dear pathetic and naïve child, are broke. That’s right, unless you apply for the drug overlord position via Backpage.com or you’re winning gambling degenerate, The Black Sheep isn’t exactly sure how to word this next phrase. You might have to make a few unwilling commitments and drastic tweaks to your lifestyle if you want to get your ass back on track. If you’re satisfied with Busch Light and Keystone Light to complement your Kroger manager’s special (burger patties that expire tomorrow), be our guests. We’ve all been down that aisle before. But if one’s serious about getting his or her “bread up” for the college bash of a lifetime, please, for God’s sake, turn off your smartphones and continue to read these life-changing testimonials. You don’t want to end up like these peasants. Dumb Daniel, freshman: If you ever begin to feel self-conscious, stand next to this guy. The Febreeze he sprays on himself to substitute morning showers and unwashed laundry he recycles will help you realize how beautiful you truly are. Call it confidence, call it raunchy, but don’t underestimate his skills, he’s really good about teaching you how to manage a bankruptcy: do nothing. On spring break he took $200 dollars to Cancun, Mexico for a five-day vacation and thought he’d be frugal enough to spend $40 per 24 hours. After paying for the snorkeling, chipping in for cases of Dos Equis and munching on the talk-of-the-town grilled shrimp tacos, this bulletproof idea was shot down after he discovered that the entry fees to Daddy ’O, Bulldog Café and The City would triple-penetrate his sleaze funding. Overpriced drinks were affordable – if he starved himself the next couple days. His altruistic friends helped some, but couldn’t assist when they got inside. The stench of bankruptcy must have reeked from his pores; when he asked one of the Spanish locals to dance, she violently shook her head, hitting him with more than the traditional 1-2 swivel. Dan the Dolt, sophomore: In his first year at VCU, six of his amigos thought it’d be brilliant to plan a trip to Virginia Beach. They carpooled and enjoyed a rainy night in March at the world’s sketchiest motel. Luckily for them, they knew a student that lived in the area and was kind enough to open his house for the next night. Dan, as usual, didn’t carry a fully-loaded wallet so he had his dinners at McDonald’s (the value menu at Wendy’s was too pricey). On the last day, members of the party decided to dine in at Captain George’s $31 buffet. However, Dan played his role of party-diarrhea-er and stayed in the car. While his boys were enjoying all-you-can-eat crab legs, the only “seafood” Dan gorged on was cheap and sufficient: a bag of UTZ potato chips “with Chesapeake Bay Crab Seasoning.”
Daniel Poor, junior: No matter how loaded, incredibly charming and handsome he thought he was, the costs of SB bullied him worse than an abusive stepfather. Every time Daniel looked Abraham Lincoln in the eye or Andrew Jackson in the face, he imagined a group of wicked dicks plotting against those who struggled with poverty. Yet Daniel, still, like a fool, decided to take a risk with his limited funding and head up north to Atlantic City, New Jersey with his girlfriend. They witnessed the the “bright lights and fancy restaurants” that Sisqo sang about in his classic, “Incomplete.” Who paid? His girlfriend did, and that’s probably why he lost the love of his life to yet another $31 buffet. Daniel Park, senior: Spring break will suck this semester. He’ll most likely stay in Ratchet-mond and accept his share of miserable shortcomings. He vows to no longer pay another dime on such a worthless week. Alcohol gets you in nothing but trouble and hospital visits, and why pay more for it in some exotic destination when he can get good and drunk for cheap alone in his apartment? If you’re desperate to spend the money loitering in your checking account, use it on yourself. Go to a massage parlor. You’re guaranteed to relieve the knots in your neck and pain in your back by the slender hands of “sexy and attractive young women” with forged masseuse certifications hanging on the walls. Ask them for a happy ending and they’ll ask you for $70 more dollars. Get it.
everything BAR SPECIALS ON YOUR PHONE. Download
THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE APP
YEAH!
SCAN FOR THE iPHONE APP SCAN FOR THE ANDROID APP Or Search Black Sheep Mobile
page 5
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Iron Laden to Kitty Maidens: Monopoly’s Strives for Gender Equality Sammie Sea wrote this Think back to your childhood game cabinet. Among the dried clumps of Play-Doh and dust bunnies lies the longest and most frustrating game in history: Monopoly. Not only does the game force the ideas of big business and outrageous taxation onto children, but you can never finish the damn thing! It’s doubtful that anyone has ever truly won this game. And even if they did, they were probably the banker, and should go to jail for embezzlement of funds.
husbands dominate with the clearly superior piece, the racecar. Because really, whether it be for practical use or play, no man ever used the iron without suffering a severe blow to his masculinity. But that’s all changed now. Women have successfully made the transition in the game world from dowdy housekeeper to single cat lady! There’s still the thimble that mildly represents the Betsy Ross sewing fanatic in all women, but let’s take this one step at a time here.
This begs the question, who the hell is still buying this game? At this point, everyone pretty much has an old board lying around their parents’ house. Re-circulate those suckers if you want to have a shitty game night. Hasbro still sees profit in Monopoly, which is shocking in itself. But the fact that they’re trying to revamp the game is just unnecessary.
The cat bears the same stigma as the iron. It’s a woman’s piece. So maybe the equality of the pieces hasn’t evened out but hey, at least we’re out of the kitchen, right? Along with the inherent characteristics that come with being a feminist, such as the unshaven legs, bra-less chest and anger towards any gender roles that resemble “tradition,” also comes the harsh reality that you’re most likely going to end up alone, taking comfort in your hourly meditations with your three cats.
Recently, Hasbro held a poll on their Facebook (they have a Facebook?) asking people to vote on their least favorite Monopoly game piece. Among the options were the wheelbarrow, the boot and the iron—the true bitch pieces. Evidently, the iron was voted the least favorite by voters and got the boot, no pun intended. But what’s even greater about the retirement of the iron is the introduction of the new piece, the cat. That’s right, a cat. You know what that means? There has been a breakthrough in the feminist movement! Gone are the days of women begrudgingly being forced to play as the iron while their
Unfortunately for women, we only have two options in life: devoted wife or single cat lady. Men can get away with being an eternal bachelor, but an eternal bachelorette? Your looks will only get you so far, ladies. But we say embrace it and relish in the triumph of another feminist piece inducted into the game of Monopoly. Apparently, as fate would have it, there seems to be a dispute about the legitimacy of the cat’s victory. There was a subsequent poll, after the poll to retire the iron, that had people vote on the new piece to be added to the game. Among the choices was a robot, a diamond
ring, a helicopter, a guitar and of course, our beloved kitty cat. Many voters believe that the voting was rigged as the robot had a clear lead throughout the entire process. In all honesty, the robot seems to be the obvious choice among the five, but somehow the sly feline seemed to coax its way onto the roster. However it happened, Hasbro seems to be giving Monopoly a couple of facelifts to keep it relevant. Will there be a recount to determine the true victor of this polling? Who knows? Better yet, who really cares? Until someone makes up a Monopoly drinking game that utilizes that weird thimble piece as a shot glass, we’re not buying it.
we deliver food, beer, wine, champagne and cigarettes DELIVERY HOURS: Monday - Sunday 11am to 10pm 2631 West Cary Street • 804.353.7445 carystreetcafe.com
• music daily •
page 6
The Conceptual Limitations of
Ratemyprofessor.com
Jane Doe wrote this
The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
(potentially dangerous) Things to do if you're Stuck in RVA over Spring Break
So you made a few too many Rumors trips and spent a little too much money on PBR this semester and now you can’t afford to make it to Cancun with 3949038490384 of your sorority and fraternity buds? Never fear! Many of us at The Black Sheep have rarely ventured out of RVA for spring break, so we have some ideas to keep you and your friends mildly entertained (and possibly headed to the emergency room.) 10.) Pack a cooler of cheap beer and head to Belle Isle: There’s nothing as relaxing as drunkenly basking in the sun, amirite? Here’s the thing with buying cheap beer: if your drunk ass drops it and lets it get washed away down the James, it’s not a huge deal! There wouldn’t be anything worse than watching your grandma’s old orange Igloo cooler rushing down the James full of Blue Moon or Raging Bitch you never got to indulge in. No one wants to see a drunk person crying over beer. Play it safe with whatever skunk beer 7-Eleven will sell you. 9.) Play the cop drinking game!: Every time you see a cop car, ambulance, or fire truck, drink. If they have their siren on. Waterfall until you can’t hear it anymore. 8.) Outdoor sex: It’s pretty frequently recommended, although they probably had a beach in mind. But hey, nothing screams “great outdoors” like getting plowed next to a dumpster! 7.) Trip out at Maymont: We hear from many that Maymont is an excellent place to trip shrooms. So, we suggest that you go find a nice tree to climb or sit against, depending on what you’re feeling, and have a clichéd experience with nature.
Consumption of horrendously half-baked opinions is excessive, to say the least. We rely on the opinions of our peers (better known as the polarized intellectual equals of Courtney Stodden, or in the worst cases, The Black Sheep writers) to make the most important decision one makes in college: which professors are worth our pathetically expendable energy and Adderall-supplemented attention spans. When our peers fail us, we get foaming at the mouth, Mel-Gibson-drunk-dialing-the-cops pissed. We don’t have the luxury of interviewing and choosing professors on a personal basis. This is not Scientology’s bid for the lifelong, submissive and psychotic nightmare role of Tom Cruise’s future wife. Choosing our professor is a big fish to fry, so there are important notes to take into account. There’s the teacher’s hotness (obviously most noteworthy). The professor’s valor, because we need someone cool, brave, and daring - someone that would kick Rush Limbaugh’s ass if s/he ever ran into him in a Coldstone, kids in tow or not. We need someone who is funny (a little more Stewart/Fey than Colbert/ Wiig, but either way), as charismatic as Jennifer Lawrence meets Ryan Gosling meets Barack, and as time efficient as your mother’s neighborhood power walk/gossip hour partner. Ratemyprofessor.com fails us in many ways, most obviously in its 350-word limit. What is anyone going to say in 350 words that expands upon anything relevant? “My professor is a well-meaning moron because he prefers dogs over cats, and overrated because he’s mean and makes me do homework”? It’s like fine, spare us, but not the details. First, there’s the “muy caliente” implication behind the red cayenne pepper, because we’re all Spanish. We can’t get a nice little in-season peach or sexy little albino face, an extra yellow thermometer at 110 degrees, maybe a super fancy dark chocolate bar on the side? Yeah, that shit is as racist as Floyd Mayweather’s tweets after a good Asian beat down. Furthermore, is it ever really accurate? Maybe half the time the chili pepper is actually, maybe, remotely deserved. Then there are the other times, the times when fetishes are laid bare with a 5 red
pepper rating: There’s the “mean bitch that ignores me, who but so sexy because I want to be whipped in my sub/dom” fetish. There’s the “old man hipster in a vest with poor hygiene” fetish. Then there’s the “excessively hairy, man’s man” fetish. It’s safe to say that the chili pepper does not always represent classical beauty. The ratings of overall quality, helpfulness, clarity, easiness, and hotness are rated upon on a 1-to-5 scale. Overall quality is entirely too vague, kind of like Jennifer Aniston’s taste in men. Let’s be real, you’re going to forget 95% of what you’re learning in three months, no matter what you learn. With helpfulness the question arises: Has this teacher served you on a needed basis? It depends. There’s a possibility that his/her TAs have offered to help you let off some steam, wink wink. But does that count? Clarity implies that it is your teacher’s responsibility to be clear in explaining the learning material. The delinquents in your class are never going to be clear on the material, because we all know that ever since Hannah did it on Girls, cocaine is totally kosher.
6.) Peruse Carytown: Get a cheap meal at Galaxy before you look at clothing at Fab’rik, Need Supply Co., and other obnoxiously nice places that you can’t afford, before getting kicked out of World of Mirth for being a twenty-something that is less mature than the seven year old playing with toys in the corner. No trip to the self proclaimed “Mile of Style” is complete without getting kicked out of somewhere and almost rear-ending someone with your car. 5.) TV marathon!: You’re finally going to finish watching Six Feet Under. Yeah, it’s been eight years but what happens? You’ll never know unless you devote 16 hours a day to a show. 4.) Start the Harlem shake at a club: Quickly, before it gets run into the ground! If you’re even the slightest bit behind with the latest internet sensation, everyone will hate you forever. 3.) Start on your bikini body by losing ten pounds: Sure, you were supposed to be doing this before spring break, but better late than never. After the massive amount of heavy drinking we’ve suggested, you should’ve already lost at least five by the time you reach number four. Hop to it! 2.) Give yourself a little bit of retail therapy: Hit Rumors, Diversity, or Bygones -- that is, if you haven’t heard Thrift Shop enough times to make you want to kill yourself.
Are they rating your professors? The social lepers of MCV and everyone’s major (there are a few in every group) are sitting on the cusp of obsession with the “reading material,” believing that good grades really are the key to success, and building shrines to our professors. Easiness implies that the material should be easy to learn for everyone, because that kid in your class who thinks that he’s living in The Sims and the girl that spends the entire semester on whatshouldwecallme on Tumblr (guilty) are totally going to pick up the wealth of sixteenth century literature they are being exposed to, albeit while blatantly ignoring it. Ratemyprofessor is a lose-lose-lose situation. Most of the teachers are described with general, so-so commentary, and the rest are described with extremes of passionate opinion. Trust no one but yourself, your instincts, and your professor’s answer of varied opinions on Beyoncé (following your inquiry), because we all know that that is the only opinion that showcases one’s true character.
1.) SLEEP: The Black Sheep’s preferred hangover cure/post-coital activity. Sleeping through spring break is safe, easy, and won’t land you in jail or with any venereal diseases.
Annie Hall wrote this
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Where's the weirdest place you've taken a piss?” “In that guy’s mouth.” - Stephen M.
“In my own mouth.” - Jason N.
“In Hareford’s mouth.” - Justin M.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
Fish Bowl Carytown Bistro
Live Music/DJs Every Wednesday - Saturday!
$2 Taco Night (Beef, Chicken, or Black Bean)
Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm
Cherry Red w/ Hero Get the Girl, Live! Daily Food and Bar Specials!
5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm
20% off ANY Signature Latte
Beer-Battered Fish Fry with Fries & Cole Slaw
Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!
El Peas, Live! Covering albums from start to finish, this time w/ Elvis Costelle Daily Food and Bar Specials!
5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm
Student Discount: 10% off anything (MUST SHOW ID) Live Jazz Every Other Saturday Night
1/2 Off All Paellas!
Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!
Old You, Live! Check Our FB Page for Upcoming Shows!
5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm
VCU Student Discount: 10% off EVERYDAY! (**MUST SHOW ID**)
1/2 Off Wings (Plain, BBQ, or Spicy!)
Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99
Ribbons Make Music, Live! Come try the best BRUNCH in town!
Brunch Carafe Specials!
Show Student ID = 15% Discount on Total Price
1/2 Off Burgers & Fries
Low Tide 4-8 pm: $2 OFF Select Apps
1/2 Off Burger Night
Closed
DJ Williams Projekt, Live! $5 Wing Baskets All Night!
5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm
FRI. 2/22
$1.00 off ANY Panini OPEN MIC NIGHT! 8:00 PM - 10:00 PM
E-String Al Acoustic 4-6pm, NO COVER! King Solomons Marbles, 10pm, $7 1/2 price Apps 4-6pm
SAT. 2/23
The Trongone Bands 10pm, NO COVER! 1/2 Price Apps 4-6pm XBox 360 Rockband 9pm
Open-Jam w/ Dave Shiflett, 2-5pm, Free! The Root Downs, 10pm, $5
SUN. 2/24
SUNDAY! 1/2 Off Wings (Plain, BBQ, or Spicy!)
THURSDAY: RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm
Tripp & Jenny, Old-Time Jam Session, 2-5pm, Free! Karaoke 9:30 pm
MON. 2/25
EVERYDAY! VCU Student Discount: 10% Off EVERYDAY! (**MUST SHOW ID**)
1/2 price apps 4-6pm Karaoke 9:30 pm
TUES. 2/26
Live Music every Tues, Wed, Fri. & Sat., Check our FB Page!
ChampJam! feat. members of Former Champions plus different guests every week, 10pm, Free! 1/2 price apps 4-6pm
Buy ANY sandwich and get a FREE Small Latte!
1/2 Off All Regular-Sized Tapas
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps Burger Special Buy One, Get One free Te-quil-ya Tuesdays
WED. 2/27
THURS. SPECIAL The Food and NIGHT Event Grid 2/21
, s d n e , Fri r o v a Fl ! t s a e F Bistro Bar 101 South 15th street | (804) 562-1438 | 11am-2am daily
Old Dominion Playboys, 10pm, FREE! 1/2 price apps 4-6pm
Buy ANY Coffee or Coffee Drink and get a FREE Muffin Top from 7:00 AM - 10:00 AM
3-Course Meal with Dessert for only $40
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps College Night! Show Your ID For Great Specials
All Televised VCU Basketball Games Are Sound Up with Great Specials All Game
Radio Rubber Room Presents Local Live Shows Date Night! Dinner for 2 for $40
Tuesday - Saturday: 5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm
5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm
page 9
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The Pros of Blood Diamonds
Hannah Borland wrote this
So you think she’s the one, huh? The one that’s going to love you forever, despite your lack of ambition, money, and the several blonde “mistakes” you’ve made after four years at VCU? The one who is going to cherish every Saturday night spent watching Barter Kings together and fighting over who had to do the dishes? The one who will always encourage you do the few things you really do love, even if those things are fetish porn, gravy, and artisan handjobs? You’re probably wrong. But here at The Black Sheep, we aren’t interested in talking you out of the second biggest mistake of your life. We’re here to help you pick out a ring like we’re your own personal slightly-more-flamboyant-and-even-more-delightfully-sassy Queer Eye for the Straight Guy posse. After that, we’ll talk you out of the actual biggest mistake of your life— your decision to care about human rights. That’s right, politically-correct-but-still-apathetic one. Diamond engagement rings are expensive, and us girls are still too shallow to realize that spending two months’ salary on a piece of jewelry is about as smart of a life choice as spending two months’ salary on a robot hooker (actually, you would get more practical use out of a robo-whore). But you have to get her a diamond, otherwise you’re “not really engaged, sweetie,” so why not a blood diamond? Popularized by Leonardo DiCaprio in 2006, blood diamonds are Africa’s answer to ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, the Holocaust, and every movie starring Kristen Stewart (we get to choose our problems in the first world—otherwise we wouldn’t be the first world, idiot). Yes, these are diamonds specifically mined in dangerous war zones, often by slave labor, which finance warlords who often discourage democratic voting by chopping off the hands of innocent civilians.
Are we having fun yet? First of all, they’re much cheaper than any diamond not subsidized with the tears of families that have been torn apart by the violent and greedy actions of a few random guys they’ve never met. That’s great news for you, since your job barely pays for the rent, let alone a fancy ring that only tells other guys that your girl is currently only allowed to think about blowing them. It’s not like you’re ever going to be able to talk her into something less Kardashian, because then everyone will think she’s selling the milk for a deeply reduced price. They might even think she’ll put out after just one “Two for $20” deal at Applebee’s. Secondly, are war zones really that bad? Our research tells us that, on average, they’re on the same level as Lord Licorice’s castle in the beloved and intellectually challenging board game Candyland. That is to say, they’re intimidating and may scare small children, but are also secretly delicious. Think about it: if war zones are really that bad, why are there so many of them, and why are children drawn to them? It must be because they are actually a twisted and tasty strawberry-flavored treat. Next, who are you to decide if a warlord is right or wrong? They have their reasons for what they’re doing. Isn’t it just a little presumptuous of you to assume that you know what’s best for a place that you’ve never been and probably never will go? Right. It’s only fair that you attempt to be as unbiased as possible by spending your money in such a way that you have no idea who or what it is funding. You never can, and never will hold warlords down. After all, we all love Braveheart. Would you want to quash the next William Wallace by declining him funding because you think he’s corrupt? Didn’t think so.
Nothing says, “I love you, but I’m not turning off the game for you” like a blood diamond. Here at The Black Sheep, we’ve heard you can get certified blood diamonds these days, and they’re often deeply discounted. By buying a certified blood diamond, you’ll ensure that at least four children, two adults, and seven to eight elephants lost various body parts in the mining process. Come on, buddy. Isn’t your girl worth it? She definitely isn’t worth the $4,000 and lifetime of missing Monday Night Football that a regular engagement ring costs.
OPEN
MIC NIGHT
EvEry Thursday 8:00 PM - 10:00 PM
Carytown Bistro & Coffee House
26 souTh auburn avE | 804.340.0272
where your
mouth is Each week, under our Bartender of the Week feature, we publish a small article, “Recipe for Disaster.” In it, we outline a means of preparing drunk food that caters to your average student. Well, we decided just making up recipes was bullshit—real chefs taste their food! At least, that’s what Tom Colicchio tells us.
poptartilla Ingredients: Two tortillas, two blueberry Pop-Tarts, extra-crunchy peanut butter, strawberry jam Preparation Time: 6 minutes Flavor: 3.5 Texture: 4.9 Ease of Eating: 3 Ease of Preparation: 4 Ease of Clean-Up: 2.5
So here we have six recipes, both normal and bizarre, that have ran in that wacky feature. We had all of our full-time staffers try them, rating each six items in five categories scaled 1-5, 1 being the worst, 5 the best. Some were amazing, some ah-mah-zing, others, well, we’d tell you, but there’s still some puke left in the darkest recesses of our stomach.
Notes: We found love. -The Poptartilla turned out much better than any of the judges expected. Some questioned how the tortilla would mix with the processed Pop-Tart, others, whether the consistency would be too weird after a couple of bites. These fears were unfounded. The tortilla posed no threat, and the texture was spot on. - As the above pictures suggest, the Poptartilla is a visually stunning culinary masterpiece, sure to impress any wastoid foolish enough to accompany a The Black Sheep reader home to “watch Anchorman.” Beyond that, the tortilla offers easy eating opportunities. Not only does it look nice, it’s easy to shove down your throat, easier than his tobacco-stained tongue, at least. - However delicious the Poptartilla may be, it sure does poach one’s throat. A huge gravity bong rip always gives the late-night muncher a mean case of cottonmouth, and the peanut butter all but assures a choking hazard as it tries to slide down that dehydrated highway. - Sloppy drunks should be wary of preparing the Poptartilla. For maximum flavor, the tortilla should be warmed in a skillet, and the Pop-Tarts toasted in the...the toaster. Both of these present serious burning risks to those lacking full-body control.
ghetto fab chow mein
Ingredients: Chicken-flavored ramen, two hot dogs, green onions, a red bell pepper, lettuce, tomato • Preparation Time: 13 minutes • Flavor: 2.1 • Texture: 2.25 • Ease of Eating: 4.5 • Ease of Preparation: 1 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Do you like ramen? Of course you do, you’re a college student, and it’s the best meal twenty cents can buy. Well, how about you throw out the MSG flavor explosion, add some of your precious veggies, a hot dog and spend twice as long coo…HEY! GET BACK HERE AND FINISH READING THIS HUMOROUS QUIP! - But really, the Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is almost certainly more trouble than it’s worth. An amateur chef has a hard enough time boiling water, sautéing veggies, and cooking hot dogs at the same time. Force
them to do this intoxicated, and all of a sudden, spending the last six dollars on a Jimmy John’s sub is a much better proposition. - The best use of Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is for wooing that lusty little beast you randomly made out with on the walk home. Visually, the noodles mixed with juicy red meat and a variety of veggies promises the promiscuous person a meal of a lifetime. Since everything tastes better drunk, (s)he’ll be fooled by the visuals. Your resulting visuals won’t be so bad.
inferno walking taco Ingredients: One can of chili, three small bags of Fritos, sour cream, lettuce, tomato, green onions, and mozzarella cheese Preparation Time: 4 minutes Flavor: 4.1 Texture: 4 Ease of Eating: 3.6 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 5
Notes: WTF, right? - Eating doesn’t get much easier than opening a bag that has food in it, putting more food in said bag, then eating food out of the bag. Ever see a commercial that claims “X” can be done if the user “just adds water”? Well, the Inferno Walking Tacos are the “just add water” of delicious food, minus water, plus fat and meat. - Once everything’s in the bag, you’re set. Think about it; if a drunk suddenly needs to up and run from the fuzz, no need to put anything in a bag, it’s already in a bag! And a bag in a bag?! College kids can’t afford that many bags. Need to throw it away? Just put the bag in a garbage bag. “But I thought you said I shouldn’t be putting bags in bags?” you say? Exception proves the rule, son. - The only real knock to the Inferno Walking Tacos is, the eater has to get down there and really find those Fritos. While the other ingredients taste good, the texture, sans-chip, is unpleasant. - If there was a diarrhea factor, this would get a 5.
Fluffernutter Cookies Ingredients: One cup extra-crunchy peanut butter, one cup marshmallow fluff, one egg • Preparation Time: 28 minutes • Flavor: 4.4 • Texture: 2.7 • Ease of Eating: 2.1 • Ease of Preparation: 2.5 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1
Sticky-icky-icky.
Notes: - Our Recipe for Disaster called for baking these cookies for fifteen minutes. For this to work, the cookies need to be portioned out to Oreo-sized cookies, or they will not bake all the way through in this period of time. -If you’re stupid enough to make four large cookies (see left), be prepared to have a… wait for it…sticky situation on your hands! Marshmallow fluff is sticky, so is peanut but-
ter. So is undercooked sugar. - We’re still not quite sure why egg is to be used in this. Does one really need a binding agent if there’s no flour and two sticky ingredients involved? (Note: The answer is no.) -The above failures aside, the cookie actually tasted pretty good, as peanut buttery and marshmallowy things are wont to do. One taster noted chocolate chips would be a wonderful addition. Sure. Why not?
bbq nachos Ingredients: Tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, green onions, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce Preparation Time: 3 minutes Flavor: 2.4 Texture: 2.6 Ease of Eating: 3.9 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 3.5
Notes: -The biggest compliment one can pay to BBQ Nachos is that they’re easy to make. Chips— hobos can afford chips—plus a few condiments, and one has a snack that is, well, not good, but edible. - Drunken peoples should avoid using dangerous appliances; this is fact. Sure, this rules out obvious enemies like the food processor and the Rotato, but there’s the always-dangerous oven. What if one falls asleep using it, causing a fire? Or burns their hand badly, meaning no masturbation for weeks? Well, the microwave is safe, but not for the food. We popped our BBQ Nachos in there for two minutes—about a minute and a half too long. The chips were hard and the cheese way overdone.
the lent buster Ingredients: Two blueberry Pop-Tarts, one pint chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, one Snickers bar, a handful of hot dog-flavored potato chips, a handful of original potato chips, chocolate syrup, two shortbread cookies, one cupcake, a handful of Cheerios, one can of Coke Zero, a handful of pretzels, ice, a splash of vodka. • Preparation Time: 7 minutes • Flavor: 1 • Texture: 0.5 • Ease of Eating: 3.3 • Ease of Preparation: 4 • Ease of Clean-Up: 2 Notes: - All those ingredients went in a blender for about ten seconds. The end result was a cold slurry of salty-sweet slop that looked and smelled like throw-up. - There’s an old saying about camels: A camel is a horse designed by engineers; the idea being, a camel is a bunch of good ideas poorly applied. If this analogy holds true, the Lent Buster is liquid diabetes created by malevolent assholes with early-onset Type 2 diabe-
tes. Does a small item of food have more than 100% the daily suggested sodium or sugar intake? Throw that shit in there, son. - Though it was mostly a thick, grainy paste—ostensibly easy to consume—the Lent Buster scores low marks for being so visually and olfactorily disgusting. It was like drinking an ugly hobo milkshake. - When drinking the Lent Buster, one could chew on wet potato chip. It was not pleasant.
Hard cheese, not pleased.
- We re-cooked a smaller batch for 45 seconds, and this batch of BBQ nachos were good, which is the apex of this snack’s potential. Do you like salty things? Sweet things? Cheesy things? Congratulations, so does everyone else! The line ends around the forever.
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week BRian g. selba Age: 26 How long have you been bartending: 5 years Favorite drink recipe: Jameson and ginger ale Favorite shot: Big cup of jizz. “I dare you” recipe: Cement Mixer: Bailey’s + Jameson + half and half What’s your Karaoke song? You gotta have one for the ladies and one to rock out to, so any Taylor Swift song and then Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid.” Life motto: “If it’s free, I’ll take it; if it’s nailed down, I’ll get a hammer.” Favorite phrase: “Hey there, buddy.” Guilty pleasure: Yoga pants, Netflix, and red wine.
Ever met anyone famous: Bruce Smith and Tim Hightower If you could hook up with a celebrity who would it be: Scarlet Jo Favorite pick up line: The best pick up line is a smile. Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: A girl got on top of the bar thinking she could dance and she took a dive into our metal ice bin; there’s still a dent in it. Ever hooked up with a co-worker: Yes, but it’s never a good idea. Biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: When people throw ice at me to get my attention. Best way to get your attention on a crowded night: Have your money or card ready and eye contact; oh, and your situational humor better be as good as mine.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Congratulations – it’s award season once again! The red carpets, the celebrities, the performances… the list of nonsense winds on and on. One of the most anticipated award shows of the season is of course the Oscars; however, one cannot forget the other events that are to follow. Such shows include The Country Music Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the TV Land Awards, the Tonys, the Bronys, and our favorite, the AVNs.
As if pancakes weren’t already good enough, beer makes them even better. Pancakes and beer go together like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston; it just makes sense. Start your day off in the best way with some beercakes for that essential morning pregame.
award season
What You’ll Need: Hard booze, cheap beer, and a bloated ego. Number of Players: As many as can fit around your crappy living room. Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and pre-rehab Mickey Rourke How to Play: - Decide beforehand on the nominees whom you think will win or whom you want to win. - Take a drink anytime someone is asked who they are wearing. - Take a shot anytime a celebrity shows up without their partner. - Anytime someone you pick wins, choose one person to take a shot. - If your nominee loses, chug for five seconds. - Take a shot every time a winner thanks god. - Waterfall for the first 30 seconds of each tribute. - Take a shot anytime a winner is cut off by music. The Game Ends When: People have an existential meltdown as to the concept of award shows and worshipping celebrities… or people just stop paying attention because all the relevant awards have been handed out.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
beercakes
What You’ll Need: 1 can of your favorite beer, 1 teaspoon of salt, 2 cups of all-purpose flour, 2 beaten eggs, 1/2 cup of white sugar, 1/4 cup melted butter, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and cooking spray. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you’re using light beer or not. Let’s Get Baked: - In a large bowl stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. - Add the eggs, beer and melted butter to the mix. Stir until mixture is blended; a few lumps is fine. - Heat a skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Spoon the batter out over the skillet using either a 1/3 or 1/4 cup measuring cup. - When the beercakes start to bubble, flip them over until the other side is browned. - Pour your favorite syrup over the beercakes and eat ‘em while they’re hot! They taste a lot better going down than they do coming up, so eat wisely.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
page 13
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Cancun bar remembers richmond hero TBS staff wrote this As VCU warms up for another spring break, many of us are taking a moment to reflect on past vacations. For the some dozen students who travelled to Cancun, Mexico last year, one brave, heroic act stands above all the drunken shenanigans that flavor so many spring breaks.
biggest smile I’ve ever seen and lifted her shirt to expose her bare breasts. She shouted, ‘Woo! I love you guys!’ and turned back around.”
“Day solay,” said Montreal University senior Monique Paschal who was at Senor Frogs during Warner’s heroic display. “Juh nuh comprend pa.”
Added Morris, “I miss that bitch.”
“Liz Warner showed us her boobs,” recalls senior Rich Wang. “It was incredible.”
The Black Sheep tracked down the group of spring breakers Warner and Morris allegedly cut in front of at the bar - a group of juniors from Virginia Tech. Did now-seniors Jerome Page, Leon Williams, Charles White and Sybil Martinez recall the event?
Paschal shook her head as if she didn’t understand why someone would expose their breasts to strangers. “Voolay voo be en parlay ploo luntumun, seal voo play.”
Several eyewitnesses, including Warner’s BFF, eagerly confirmed for The Black Sheep that, while waiting for her glass to be filled at Cancun club, Senor Frogs, then-super senior Elizabeth Warner turned around to the patrons behind her and heroically lifted her shirt to expose her breasts. “I’ve never seen such courage,” Warner’s friend, senior Kevin Duncan recounted. “I’ll never forget it. ‘Tick Tock’ by Ke$ha was playing, and it was at that part, the one where she’s like, ‘The party don’t start till I walk in,’ and Lizzy just turned around at that exact moment and flashed us.” “It was like magic,” Duncan added. Warner, who was pursuing a degree in primary education during spring break 2012, (she has since graduated), had reportedly stashed her bikini top in her Best Friend Forever’s saddlebag in anticipation of a later wet t-shirt Contest. BFF Sarah Morris remembers the event well. “Lizzy has always had the biggest heart,” Morris said. “We were standing at the bar to get her drink- I was the designated sober in our group that night- and we were dancing and laughing, and then Liz turned to me and said, ‘I think we cut in front of the guys behind us!’ I told her I wasn’t sure and kept dancing, but Liz turned around with the
“This little blonde chick flashed the whole bar!” Page said. “It was the most memorable experience of my college life!” “Did she cut in front of us?” Williams said. “What? Wait, did she? Hell, man, I don’t remember.” “She was the nicest person I’ve ever met,” White remarked. “It was the craziest thing,” Martinez said. “I remember being really pissed about something, but suddenly there were boobs and I just got really happy suddenly. I think that girl rescued my whole night. I… I never got to thank her.” And yet, there are some who recall Warner’s selfless act of bravery in a different light. “Ugh, what a slut,” said junior Kelly Vargas, even though she has no idea what she’s talking about. “Who seriously flashes an entire bar? What a drunk whore.” As of press time, Vargas was sleeping with her boyfriend’s brother.
As the first anniversary of Elizabeth Warner’s selfless, courageous, noble, valiant night of valor approaches, TBS caught up with the heroine herself. As of press time, Warner was heroically working as an assistant in a preschool and hadn’t had more than four hours of sleep a night in the past month. “Excuse me, sir, you have to check in at the office,” she told TBS valiantly. When we clarified that we were here to interview her about Spring Break 2012, her courage nearly faltered. “Janelle? Have they… Have they found her? Is she okay?” TBS clarified further and Warner became annoyed. “Who are you? Get out.” When Warner finally relented to an interview while the preschoolers napped, she remained humble and oblivious to the effect her act or courage last year had on her fellow spring breakers. “Sybil Martinez says ‘thank you,’” we said. “Who?” Warner asked.
We asked Elizabeth Warner to recount the event in her own words. “I don’t know, dude. I was so drunk. I remember dancing with Sarah [Morris] at Senor Frogs and I just flashed the bar. I spent the next two hours throwing up and crying for my mom in the bathroom with Janelle. That was… that was the last time I saw her.” We changed the subject so Warner wouldn’t talk about her (probably dead) friend again. “Do you think you’ll go on spring break again this year?” At that moment, a young boy came up to us, put his finger in his nose and wiped it on Warner’s arm before going back to his nap mat. Warner sighed unhappily. “No. I’m a grown-up now. I’m a… a…” As of press time, Elizabeth Warner was sobbing inconsolably in her classroom’s closet.
the seek and find
Can you find all the items on this messy-ass desk?
Send us where everything is to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com If you're right, you'll win something cool, like a Justin Bieber sex doll!
the wordsearch: comedians Dan Aykroyd
Bill Murray
Lewis Black
BJ Novak
Dave Chappelle
Conan O’Brien
Andy Dick
Amy Poehler
Bill Engvall
Randy Quaid
Jimmy Fallon
Don Rickles
Tom Green
Sarah Silverman
Chelsea Handler
Daniel Tosh
Gabriel Iglesias
Tracey Ullman
Penn Jillette
Dick Van Dyke
Jimmy Kimmel
Kristen Wiig
Jon Lajoie
Weird Al Yankovic
Meet The Staff campus manager Hayley Evans
Find Us At...
Editorial manager Gregory Alexander
pr/Marketing team Lorenzo Simpson, Rebecca Britt Jasmine Kent, Deanna Celmer Kenneth Jordan, Morgan Carey Kelsey Grupp, Meredith Frick
Advertising ManagerS Tyler Harvey, Taylor Smith
campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Daniel Park, Olivia Talbott Jessica Overcash, Olivia Walthall John Borkey, Ciara Roman Lorenzo Simpson distribution manager Jess Overcash Social media manager Jasmine Kent pr/marketing manager Casey Burnett
owner Atish Doshi Founders Sarah A., Lenton A., Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Republic Mojo’s Philadeli 1800 Bar & Grill Fish Bowl First & Main Electronics The Camel Club Infuzion Posh Aurora Village Cafe Little Mexico Little Mexico
821 Cafe Rumors Panda Garden Good Taste Cary and Belvidere Strange Matter Crossroads - ice Sticky Rice Presidential Cuts Ackell Cous Cous cream and coffee Bodillaz 8 1/2 Canal The Art building Bellytimber shop Baja Apartments Chilli’s/Cary St Deli Roxy Cafe Virginia Book Mulligans Sports Head Hunters Snead Hall Starlite Company Bar Piccolas Engineering Starbucks Absolute Tattoo Rev it UP Red Dragon China building Godfreys Plaza art supply City Dogs Hibbs hall Bleeker St Cafe Carry St Cafe shop Delux Harris Hall Jonahs Cafeteria Cha Cha’s Apprentice Hair Monkeys Bar&Grill The Commons PLUS DORMS Lucky Buddha Salon Sidewalk Cafe Academic Building AND STREET Off The Hookah Ramz Nails Empire Broad and BelviTEAMS AND Stuffy’s Fine Foods T T Lounge dere MORE!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave., Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
six degrees of separation think you know how tina fey and michelle pfeiffer are connected? email us at classtime@theblacksheeponlne.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a prize! how cool is that?
RELAX WITH A $30 MASSAGE Exclusively for VCU Students and Faculty
GET A 1 HOUR MASSAGE FOR 1/2 OFF BOOK YOURS TODAY! BY APPOINTMENT ONLY • MUST PRESENT CURRENT VCU ID CARD
CALL OR TEXT FOR YOUR APPOINTMENT TODAY! ELIZABETH A. MAURER DOULA CARE AND MASSAGE THERAPIES 919 W. GRACE ST, SUITE A | (804) 592-9838 | TRINITYDOULA-MASSAGE.COM
1 2
3
4 5