The Black Sheep
FR go EE.. t fr . lik om e t sw he c im as mi e o ng f in sep th sis e J yo am u es !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 4, Issue 6 • 2/21/13 - 2/27/13
spring break!: ROAD TRIP! BEER! THIRD THING! lorenzo simpson wrote this
AW YEAH! The breaking of spring. Time to call up four of your closest friends, load up the Toyota with Doritos and Arizona Iced Tea, and head out on a weeklong excursion in search of inebriated adventure, which will ultimately end in a blood oath never to be spoken of until 20 years from now, when you all start disappearing one by one. Spring break is a time to celebrate the beginning of a new season by filling Super Soakers with Four Loko and spraying them at bikini-clad women who are too gone to realize that whatever they flash on camera will be discovered by their kids in the future when they stay up and witness Girls Gone Wild 65: Spring Break 2013. But enough slut-shaming, this article’s all about the ride. Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single engine rev. When going on a road trip, you need to bring the essentials. Countless bags of salty chips are mandatory for any trek on four wheels. Get a big ol’ economy size bag from Costco, because even your boss knows that Costco keeps the cost low (economical swag). Make sure to get a cooler filled with tasty beverages, such as Monster to keep the driver up, Coke Zero for your “healthy friend” who still hammers down Whoppers when they think no one’s looking, and Canada Dry for your carsick little brother whom your mom made you take with. Oh, and throw in some extra-large Gatorade bottles; they make amazing urinals in a pinch. Make some ham and cheese sandwiches for the road, but PLEASE skip on the mayo. Salmonella produces the worst party poopers (pun very much intended). Alcohol is fine too, just as long as the driver only uses the beer bottles to throw at slow jaywalkers.
making a massive, dirty, exhaust-belching vehicle more obnoxious by getting it to make loud noises.
Before you leave, make sure you have enough gas in the car. Or make sure you bring along a jacked friend, so they can push the car the last few miles. When you’ve finally left the neighborhood, put on some good music to cruise to. Wiz Khalifa, Kendrick Lamar, or anything from Odd Future will ensure fun will be had by all. Make sure to have an agreement with all passengers that if anyone utters the names of Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen or No Direction, they will be receiving the Mitt Romney treatment (i.e. they will spend the duration of the trip latched to the roof of the car in a urinestained kennel). If and when you drive past an 18 wheeler, always give them the horn-honking signal. There’s nothing better than
Your GPS has to be on point. Get a real one, because using Siri or Google Maps on your phone will ensure that you will never get to your destination. It’s very likely you’ll end up in some dank, tumbleweed town like Stabbington, Connecticut, population: 10 (all corpses). If that happens, just turn around, roll out slowly, and ignore the voices in your head. When you finally get to your spring break destination, be it a beach house, a lake house, or your great aunt Helen’s house (her macaroons are the shyznitz), make sure to mind the parking rules. You don’t want to take that walk/bus ride of shame to the impound lot. But after all that, you can start having fun! Drink just enough not to pass out, stay somewhat close to
Spring Broke 2: Broke Harder Just when you thought it was safe to leave money in your checking account…
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what'’s inside
your friends, and be sure to give a shout out to VCU if you make it on camera. And if one of your group members doesn’t make it to the meet-up spot the next morning, just check your pockets for clues. And maybe call the police -- just be sure to sound sober: “Well, we were out having some consensual sober fun, when he just disappeared!” Spring break is a magical time of dancing, debauchery and deatahem, dancing. The week itself contains enough hardcore partying for eight lifetimes, plus one. But the journey there is just as special -- telling jokes, farting on everyone, and saying the N-word when your black friends aren’t around. When you get back, your parents may look at your funky, dinged up ride and think of one word: ratchetness. But the only thought in your mind? Bonding.
The Conceptual Limitations of ratemyprofessor.com
Bartender of the week
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page 12
Because crowd-sourcing may not be the smartest way to decide your educational future.
Brian from Selba would like to remind us all to not throw ice at the bartenders.