The Black Sheep
FR EE ... “c like on th cer at t” ho in me th le e p ss ar gu k. y’s
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Volume 4, Issue 7 • 3/7/13 - 3/13/13
The Black Sheep’s Guide to
Staying Motivated for the Rest of the Semester Olivia Walthall wrote this And we all collectively sighed It’s only March… spring break has just abruptly broken up with us and we’re not entirely sure why, but it blows. With almost two months left of exams and professors we love, hate, and love to hate, there is a looming feeling of “sweet Jesus, this just really sucks” mixed with procrastination and the weird smell of sweat in the air. The Black Sheep knows the feeling, we’ve been there many times. The anticipation of summer, no classes for three months, being able to get skin cancer tan again, drinking by the James; it all seems so close, yet so very far away. “So…how exactly am I supposed to make it through this seventh-level-of-hell-that-is-half-a-semester?” you ask. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep is constantly working to find our own motivation to keep writing, seeking ads, PR-ing, groupie-ing, moisturizing, etc. Safe to say, we have some pretty good advice. Advice that’s so good, a therapist would charge you out the ass for it (like $30 an hour, or whatever). Our first piece of advice is to start small; think of goals that are so ridiculously achievable that you could do them no matter how pathetically lazy you’re feeling. For example, “Drink at least one glass of water for every three PBRs today” or “At least try to bribe someone into giving you notes from class instead of going.” We encourage you to stretch these tiny-ass goals a little bit every week. Within the next month, you should be going to class to browse the Internet during lecture and make fun of the professor’s lisp. It’s all baby steps. Next, we advise you to keep track of yourself, just a little bit. Like, if you know you have an exam Friday that you’ve devoted an astounding thirty minutes to studying for, binge drinking at a house show isn’t the best idea for you on Thursday night at midnight. You should also strive to keep track of your cleanliness. For example, showering twice a week isn’t that great for you. It’s a widespread joke around campus that VCU kids have a similar aesthetic to the homeless population that surrounds the perimeter of our campus. Don’t be that guy, don’t fulfill that stereotype, dammit. DON’T YOU SEE HOW THEY MOCK US?! It hurts! Spring break was a great excuse to abstain from showering, but come on… we can
SWipes for the Food Cart Because VCU students shouldn’t have to pay to combine fancy food and the ambiance of a gutter.
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smell you from this far away. (Ed. note: Your stank transcends both time and space.) Finally, before you get too caught up in all of our awesome life-changing advice, we would like to be very informal with you when we say this: remember to have a bit of fun, too. Don’t get us wrong, you need to get your shit together, but look at it like this -- at least one person you know is graduating soon. We don’t know if you realize the gravity of this situation. They have to become an adult and get a grown-up
what'’s inside
Father Nature: Women Murdered Chivalry
job. Essentially, they are about to descend into a nightmare that rivals the ninth level of Hades and you should enjoy them while they still have some of their sanity, and while they aren’t in bed by 10 p.m. At least try to study kind of hard and make grades good enough so your parents can still pretend to be proud of you. Unless you’re a Dean’s List student, in which case we encourage you to follow the words of notorious stoner, new father, and overrated rapper Wiz Khalifa: Work hard, play hard.
The Taylor Swift Effect And Other Pop Culture Phenomena
CHICKS, are we right?
Maybe it’s time you take control of your guilty pleasure addictions.
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contents page 5: How the 90’s became All That
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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Despite our best efforts, our staff was unable to come up with a suitable Amanda Bynes Show reference.
page 6: Top 10: Ways to Mess Up Spring Break When in doubt, just think “What would Juicy J Do?” Actually, don’t do that at all.
page 7: from the streets
Table of
what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever looked up on the internet?
page 9: Kid Next Door with Ukulele to Go on Open-Mic Night Tour Slated to reunite with Kid in the Quad with a Djembe, Guy Who Knows Wonderwall on Guitar.
pages 10-11: The Mike’s Hard Taste Test We choked down ten different flavors of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and hardly even got a buzz.
page 12: bartender of the week have you ever worked with a lizard faced man with huge balls? Well natalie from don’t look back has.
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word of the week Civiliesed: A faCade of normalcy put up by college students when visiting parents arrive.
“Quick Karen, hide our collection of stolen keg taps, my parents are five minutes out and we have to be civiliesed.”
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Swipes for the Food Carts Ciara Roman wrote this Every day college students are tempted to spend money that we just don’t have. And recently, temptations have grown with the increasing number of food carts popping up all over campus. If you have classes anywhere on the Monroe Park campus, chances are you’ve seen at one of these food carts. Richmond has its very own edition of the Food Network’s The Great Food Truck Race, except there’s no monetary prize involved, just the life savings of broke college students. These places bring lots of diversity to campus: we have a gyro cart, vegan cart, sandwich cart, a freakin’ Parisian crepe cart, and a Goatocado cart. Some of them are a little pricy, but judging by the line, VCU students can’t get enough of them. There are so many options and it’s so convenient, how can you resist? Oh VCU, we appreciate you allowing the competition to come in and bless us with the array of food options. Still, we have a few questions, comments, and concerns, but there’s no little card to leave our them on, so this article will have to do. Why aren’t these carts included in our meal plans? Some spend $500-$1000 on a meal plan only for a small amount of swipes and nowhere near enough Dining Dollars. On top of that, students are restricted to using swipes on certain times of the day and on certain days of the week.. Perhaps the worst part is that the really good food—Chick-fil-A and Subway—one can only swipe on the weekend, when students are far too hungover to march their pukey bodies to the nearest eatery. It’s a conspiracy! This calls for some sort of action. We demand good food! The portions with the food carts are simply better. For one swipe at a VCU eatery, you get one small pizza that wouldn’t feed a 10 year-old girl, a piece of fruit that’s never fresh, and a 16 oz. drink. At least at the food cart you can spend $6 and get a plate full of food, and maybe for a dollar more you can make it a combo with a chips and a drink. What’s the deal here? Is this how capitalism works, or are you just a bunch of cheep assholes? Food carts feature magical lines that are never too long, full of people who are never too grumpy. In a hurry? That’s fine, because you’ll never wait too long at these carts. They are truly skilled at handling more than one order at a time The people working the carts are a lot nicer, too. Hey,
maybe they could hold workshops for our food service employees – classes like Faster Food 401, Simple Tact 200, and You Have a Giant Kitchen Why Does the Food Suck 302. This is a salute to The Great Food Truck Race happening on VCU’s campus. We are starting to think this all a part of VCU’s master plan to get students to buy a meal plan. They know we will spend all our money on actual food at the beginning of the semester, and just when there’s a month or more left in the semester, we’ll fall to hard times and be forced to use our swipes. All we want to know is how come this food is cheaper, you get a better quantity, and the people are a lot more fun than VCU employees? Support small businesses - get rid of your meal plan and eat at food carts. USA! USA! USA!
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How the 90s Became All That Lorenzo Simpson wrote this Alrighty kids, it’s time to shake up your Tamagotchis, single-strap your faded overalls, and practice your Fresh Prince routine, because The Black Sheep would like to tell you how the 90s came back, and why anyone cares. It started out simple. About two years ago, people on Facebook started making statuses about how they missed certain TV shows, like Rugrats, (a show about dead infants), and CatDog (a show about two brothers, one dog and one cat, who share one body and zero rectums). Then came the dreaded “Like if you know who this is” posters. If you didn’t know who or what that thing was, you had a crappy childhood as far as the internet was concerned. Social media sites became flooded with testimonials about how they miss the simplicity of it all, and how they don’t make shows like they used to and blah, blah, preserve childhood, preteen angst, blah, blah, blah. And then it happened. One day, an undergraduate VCU student walked across the Compass donning a t-shirt with a red and white diamond pattern, emblazoned with a golden tyrannosaurus emblem in the middle. The opening guitar riff of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers’ theme song began blaring out of nowhere, like the campus siren at noon. It was official. 90’s retro was like, totally a thing. And like the first cringe-inducing wave in a bad case of diarrhea, this was just the beginning. Pretty soon, countless people on campus were wearing t-shirts and matching hats with everything from Pokémon to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, DVDs of Full House were showing up everywhere you looked, and students were revisiting the baffling cold case mystery of where Carmen Sandiego was. Never before has a generation exhibited such an open yearning to return to their childhood than this one. Maybe it’s because of the better quality of shows, or maybe the parents of this generation were more laid back. Kenan Thompson might even be to blame for all this nauseating nostalgia, with his rerun segment on TeenNick called The 90’s are All That. Now the smacked/stoned student who grew up in the 90s can come back from a long night of partying and chill with the perfect detox agent: shows that remind them of earlier times when they weren’t judged for being immature or drunk on a Monday. There’s a saying about being a kid at heart, which works because if it’s only in your heart, nobody can see you getting upset with how much of a jerk Angelica is. But young adults these days are being VERY visible about their inner child. It must be a generational thing, as most would agree that if a
kid who watched cartoons in the 60’s went to college rocking shirts with Looney Tunes or Yogi Bear on them, they would have fewer friends than the campus flasher. It’s a good feeling for people who grew up in the era of grunge music and blatantly-gay-butattractive-to-women boy bands. For the first time in their lives, they can say things like “Back in the day...” and truly feel the years that they have lived through. They can relate to their parents when they talk about their wonder years (and also The Wonder Years), which breaks down certain communication barriers. Parents will still hate the music you listen to now, but you’ll know that they truly understand why you like it. The days of hopping off the school bus and getting a solid 2 hours of cartoons in before diving into homework may be behind us but we all carry those memories around forever, because pretty much everyone in your social sphere is your age. Shocking. So please ease up with the Facebook posts. Every 20-something year old at this school knows what show Arnold is from, we are aware cassette tapes share a sacred bond with pencils, and we know that Hugh Laurie and Ron’s dad in Harry Potter were in 101 Dalmatians. We were there. We were ALL there.
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Father Nature: Women murdered Chivalry Daniel Park wrote this God entrusted a female with the keys to change the seasons. Who knows why, but ever since the existence of organized education, preschoolers were programmed to study the beauty and power of Mother Nature.
The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
ways to mess up on spring break
Every year thousands of students flee the halls of academia and dive liver-first into the boozesoaked, sun-drenched frenzy of spring break. But only a handful of these kids actually get it right. Don’t hold back; let your friendly guides at The Black Sheep help you master the art of shameless hedonism and properly fuck up your spring break. Like a total badass. 10.) Create an Alias: You’re about to be on some beach far away from home surrounded by highlyimpressionable drunks who’ll believe anything you say. Bradley Simpleton: chemistry major and bottle cap collector isn’t going to get any kind of play in Panama. Scott Takin O’Shit, however, is living it up. You can do whatever you want this week… why spend it being your boring old self?
For centuries, no one dared to ask their second grade teacher what happened to Mother Nature’s ex-husband. The Black Sheep investigated and found the whereabouts of Father Nature, and no, he wasn’t at the Cathedral filling in for the Pope. The bitter old man was actually piss-drunk in downtown Richmond, chugging on a 40-oz Hurricane and looking dreary in reminiscent thought. In exchange for more booze, he gave us the chance to interview him.
9.) Create a Spring Break Playlist: You and your posse can’t be rolling up to the scene that top-40 radio drivel. Who are you going to take more seriously: the guys parked at the beach with Taylor Swift screaming about god-knows-what? Or the badasses blasting “All Gold Everything” without a single thing of gold on? We’ll wait. 8.) Get Ratchet: We’d be lying if we said we at The Black Sheep didn’t appreciate all things ratchet, and what’s more ratchet than spring break? You can be “well behaved” and “polite” any week of the year. This week, take that shot, get naked, and twerk on anything that makes eye contact with you. Do it for the ratchets and who haven’t came out yet.
The Black Sheep: What’s up? Father Nature: Mm (gurgle) the sky’s fmrming up.
7.) Get a Tattoo: Who’s going to be walking around the beach with a tattoo gun and SpongeBob towel other than a professional badass? Do yourself the favor; get the tattoo.
TBS: Great… great. So what’s your real name? Father Nature (lights up a cigarette): Mmfrathser Nashuer
6.) Pick a Fight: So you’re making your way to the dance floor and some prick bumps into you. Sure, the place is reasonably crowded and he totally apologized. But you’re not here to be nice, you’re here to make an ass of yourself. You may not have a good reason to start swinging blindly, but then again a badass doesn’t fucking need one. If you win, go home and tell everyone about it. If you lose, go home and tell everyone you won. They have no proof you didn’t.
TBS: So it is you, we were wondering what happened between you and your ex-wife? Father Nature (suddenly collecting himself): Well you see, she was paranoid all the time, assuming that I was cheating on her with Mother Goose and Mrs. Claus. Clingy to the Maxi-pad. But it’s bullshit about Mother Goose – she was too loose. Mrs. Claus though, damn, was a dime piece nah’m sayin? She complained all the time that her husband’s protruding stomach made it difficult to perform doggy-style, so she seduced me into committing adultery. My wife at the time was in Cali, probably shaking the town up with another earthquake or whatever. Mrs. Claus thanked me for her first orgasmic experience, which was a tsunami by the way, and she vowed to never tell a soul. This is confidential, right? TBS: Well, we don’t distribute our papers to the North Pole, so Mr. Claus probably won’t see it for a while. What made you two finally separate? Father Nature: My ex-wife worked on-call. She was always stepping out of the house to get the job done; and since she was getting all the nature work, she said as long as I did the laundry and kept the apartment clean, she’d go down on me whenever I asked. I did what I could to contribute, mostly selling Viagra pills illegally. I blogged for fun, but my entries were private only because I didn’t want to attract stalkers. One day, she walked in crying, sobbing about something petty. TBS: What happened? Father Nature: Don’t marry a bickering woman. When you’re an adult, you need to learn how to take initiative and take responsibility for your actions. These women complain all the time—too much—that’s why they don’t grow mustaches like us men do. But anyhow, I asked baby what had happened. TBS: And that was? Father Nature: Shut up. I’m getting to that. Baby was crying about how I didn’t pick up the check after our dinner on Valentine’s Day.
TBS: Isn’t that a standard gesture? Father Nature: Are you serious? She invited me out that night. I was nursing an injury, tore my ACL in December, and my rehab was slower than usual. She knew I couldn’t leave the bed. But that’s what love does. I’m her gentleman. She’s my queen. When a woman asks you out on a date and you have $2.46 in your checking account because you just went grocery shopping, she needs to understand that the dinner’s tab is for her to handle. TBS: So… she ruined the relationship? Father Nature: Chivalry is dead. Women are insatiable. They pick up your slack one time and then catapult a series of prolific accusations of how lazy you are. We men are sensitive, too. That’s why I order her gifts online, because she’s so damn fickle. Nice one minute, Charizard the next. Baby needed to know her place. TBS: Wow. Do you seriously believe that chivalry is dead? Father Nature: I’ve been alive since unicorns roamed the world and I can say with confidence that chivalry is the next unicorn, son. Girls will always represent the Triple-C Club. Covetous, always comparing and they’re inherently competitive. It’s in their nature. They shot chivalry in the back of its head while sipping on a Coke. TBS: Thank you for your genuine answers and your time, Mr. Nature. Do you have any last words? Father Nature: Could you spare a dollar and a few cigarettes? TBS: I only carry a card. Sorry! (WORKS ALL THE TIME) There you have it, from the ex-husband himself. We “sensitive men” are at the edge of our days, closing in on our extinction date and will someday be referred to as the human unicorn. Guys, if you took your beloved spouses to a candle-lit dinner over spring break, kudos. If you gentlemen didn’t get laid but didn’t care for the action, even more props. You’re our last hope.
5.) Camera Time: This is your moment. With every flash we want you there sticking your tongue out or flipping someone off. When these people go home and look through their phone and ask themselves “who’s that weirdo in the back?” 4.) Enter a Wet T-shirt Contest: Ladies, regardless of whether you’re a member of The Itty-BittyTitty Committee or chair of the May-I-Squeeze Association we say let them be free. It’s fucking hot down there… plus you get to keep the shirt. 3.) Be A Slut: Sure, she looks like a foot and you could probably swing from her armpit hair, but at this moment W.W.J.D.: What Would Juicy J Do? Since he doesn’t say no to ratchet pussy we advise you not to either. 2.) Make a Harlem Shake Video: Why the hell not? Just get over yourself and jump on the bandwagon. 1.) Enjoy Yourself: Goddamnit, college is rough and you deserve a little break. Make memories with your friends and do things you never thought you would. Just… try to make it back to campus in one piece. Or not. Whatever. We really don’t care.
tbs staff wrote this
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’'s weirdest thing you'’ve ever looked up on the internet? “The Bilderberg Group.” - Augusta P.
“How coconut milk replaces blood plasma.” - Adriana R.
“The definition of ‘Cougle.’” - Elyse S.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Kid Next Door with Ukulele to Go on Open-Mic Night Tour tbs staff wrote this RICHMOND, VA — Freshman Brandon Lewis announced Sunday night via Tumblr.com that he’s taking his musical talents on tour this spring semester. Lewis’ solo project, Never Shout Neighbor, will debut next Thursday at McCook’s Grill. The popular monthly open-mic night has produced countless legendary performances, such as Linda-Ann Plath’s dramatic, poetic reading of the ingredients for vegan lasagna, and local favorite The Bowties’ acoustic cover of YouTube Profile xXMaggiexXxMayhemXx’s cover of Fall Out Boy’s cover of Michael Jackson’s song “Beat It.” “Never Shout Neighbor started out in high school,” Lewis said. “I have like, so many videos of me playing my songs on YouTube that have over like, one-hundred views and stuff.” After releasing his E.P. Broken Hearts & Broken Strings exclusively on his Tumblr.com blog last month, Lewis has seen an increase in followers on the popular social site. “Yeah, I mean, like, I’ve gotten so many new followers over the past month. I totally got like, two in one hour once. It was great.” Despite his recent Internet success, social media hasn’t always been kind to the Ukulele star. On his YouTube page, Lewis has faced numerous counts of “trolling.” On August 21, 2011, EagleBaller54 wrote, “Yo bitch grow sum balls lol.” “Whatever, I always knew I had what it took to become a YouTube star, but like, no one ever gave me the chance…” Lewis said, holding back some tears. “My mom always believed in me though. She knew I could do it.” As a photography major at VCU, Lewis has found much lyrical inspiration in nature while out shooting for projects. “Sometimes you just look at a tree and just see the beauty of the heart and love and the sun and stuff,
you know?” Lewis mentioned, as he tuned his ukulele. When asked about tour, Lewis said much planning went into the process. “I emailed so many managers at coffee shops and like, had friends show them links and stuff. It’s tough to get, but I’m headlining a lot of nights, so it’s obviously a huge breakthrough for me.” “The lyrics in his songs really reflect his personality,” friend Ally Benson admitted. “Like, that one line he sings about the girl he likes in that new song, ‘Sentimental Heart.’ It really speaks a lot about his original and authentic character. Nobody has emotions quite like him.” “What this kid really brings to the table is his quirky attitude and appearance,” Haley Cox, a totally credible twelve-year-old music critic, said on her blog. “The way he wears his bowties and suspenders really makes the music all the more better. Like a more hipster member of One Direction.” Lewis, often seen wearing fancy clothing and the occasional fedora, says that his choice of clothing style is “just like, a representation of the seriousness of reaching [his] goals as a musician. Also, it’s just so totally cool to do.” Receiving much acclaim for his spirited live performances, Lewis is excited to take his music down the road (about a block or two). “Live performances are where I really come alive,” claimed the youthful little shit. “Sometimes I shoot a wink at a pretty girl and dedicate a song to her. It’s a real treat for them.” The four-chord musician says he plans to play all six of his new songs about his only ex-girlfriend every night. “She broke my heart, but I’ll pick up the pieces one day,” Lewis said. With lines like, “You broke my heart, but I’ll pick up the pieces one day,” from his new single “These Tears Are For You,” Brandon “Taylor Swift” Lewis reaches more than just the
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ears of the grade-school girls listening, but also touches their immature, inexperienced hearts. Never Shout Neighbor will play three dates next month, starting at McCook’s Grill, playing a 3 p.m. Monday afternoon show at Emilio’s Tapas Bar, then concluding his debut tour by performing outside of Cary St.. When asked about Lewis’ music, his roommate Mark Hatteson simply said, “Jesus Christ.” When asked about Lewis’ plan to take his music on a campus wide open-mic night tour, Hatteson followed up, saying, “My god.”
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The Black Sheep presents: the mike's hard taste test
Spring break just ended, but that doesn’t mean you, dear reader, have to let go. While both studies and the reality of Richmond weather threaten to break your spirit, we beg you to cling on to the last vestige of both fun and sun. With whatever money you have left, we ask you don’t blow those buku bucks on inferior beverages. While your pittance will almost certainly go to beverages will start with names like “Keystone” and end in words like “Light,” there will be a brave, sad few who choose to “get the party started” with a novelty so novel, it’s hard to laugh at anyone who actually has the gall to drink it. Whether it’s a girl who thinks beer is “icky” or a dude who thinks purchasing it will allow him to get into said girl’s bottoms, there’s always a few insane enough to actually spend money on Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
r: Flavo l a i t Ini llowed this ha the When ge hits a r e v e b malted w good is it? , s lip ho
So, in true The Black Sheep fashion, we’ve bought as much Mike’s Hard Lemonade as our paltry bank accounts could afford. We have ten samples, and these samples were consumed during a blind taste test. None of the participants knew which sample they were tasting, but the testers ranked them from best to worst on a one-to-five scale, five being the best, one the worst.
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The categories on which the Mike’s Hard flavors were judged:
#1: Mike’s Hard Mango Punch
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Billy says the puke tastes just as good coming up as it does going down!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: A liquefied mango Dum Dum Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: A sexy girl pretending to be a misunderstood outcast Notes: Though artificially-flavored drinks taste more like Satan’s asshole than the flavor they’re meant to resemble, Mike’s Hard Mango Punch proves the exception to this rule. Sure, it’s less “mango” in its flavor than it is, “orange,” but it is legitimately not terrible.
5
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#2: Mike’s Hard Cranberry
#3: Mike’s Hard Black Cherry
Initial Flavor: 3.7 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 3
Initial Flavor: 3 • Lingering Flavor: 2.8 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes like the gummy bears Uncle Ben used to give me to get me to go to bed.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Cherry Luden’s cough drop diluted in Febreze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The bubbliest gay dude in the room
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Reminds me of the church wine I had during first communion. My stupid bitch step-mom didn’t even get me that Powderpuff Girls play house I asked for. I got the last laugh when she died from cervical cancer.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Prison toilet wine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The prim teen who thinks he’s way too mature for his age
Notes: Like the Mango Punch, the comparatively high marks have less to do with the drink’s cranberry flavor, and more to do with it not being objectively undrinkable. To say it tastes like cranberry is to say that cherries, or raspberries or shit, Taco Bell, tastes like cranberries.
Notes: Of all the flavors of Mike’s Hard tried during this experiment, the Black Cherry Lemonade had the best aroma -- a delightful candy aroma all but certain to arouse the latent candy addict in all of us.
Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 3.3 Lingering Flavor: 4.3 Wackiness: 3.3 Overall: 3.6
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When the second place drink in a blind taste test gets worse as the flavor settles on one’s tongue, this is not a testament to the overall quality of your product. Do you hear us, Mike’s Hard?
4.5
4
Lemonade
Though we’re almost certain Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade has the same viscosity and texture as other products, the consensus opinion was, this one was thicker than the other samples we tried. Note, this was the last Mike’s Hard we tried, so we may have just been, like, totally shitfaced on two drinks, bro.
3.5
3
#5: Mike’s Hard Lemonade lite
#4: Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 2.2 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.7 • Overall: 2.6
Initial Flavor: 2.3 Lingering Flavor: 2.5 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes just like my Mom’s Squirt! What? I don’t know what a double entendre is, I’m not French.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Leftover Pledge in a huffing sock Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Overweight suburban cheerleader
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Like, I totally wish I had, like, four more of these in my mouth right now. LOL, shut up Kyle!!!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lemon-scented Dial soap and vodka Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Virginal freshman female who quickly turns slutty deepthroat queen Notes: The flavor that started it all did relatively well in our blind taste test, though comments like, “This is tolerable” don’t inspire confidence in the quality of the beverage, in comparison to say, a beer. While many other flavors were sweet to the point of tasting medicinal, Mike’s Hard Lemonade actually burnt tasters’ nostrils like an aerosol air freshener would. It… it was weird.
Notes: Though it smells like teenage staple vodka and Sprite, Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite tastes exactly as one thinks it would taste: Like Mike’s Hard Lemonade, diluted with water by about 30%. Of course, this makes sense when one notes Mike’s Hard Lemonade has an ABV of 5%, whereas Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite has an ABV of 3.2%. So, sure, save 100 calories, but know that if you’re going to get Maggie to go down on you in the back yard of your parents’ house, you’re going to need twice the volume.
#6: Mike’s Hard margarita Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 2 Wackiness: 2 • Overall: 1.9
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Me no gusta tambien nosotros es un malo!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Burning garbage-scented air freshener Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Entitled Latina princess Notes: A good margarita is a pretty simple thing: salt, tequila, and a little triple sec. Mike’s Hard sure did get the salt flavoring right. Someone there owed the people at Morton’s a lot of money. While the drink tastes like a street after snowfall, it smells like tequila, in the same way a soiled diaper smells like baby shit. Very, very strongly.
#8: Mike’s Hard strawberry margarita Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.7 • Overall: 1.8
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “After some nachos, a DiGiorno, and some Pop-Tarts, this would make a great dessert wine!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Melted Fruit by the Foot Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Vaguely non-gendered Lot Lizard Notes: One taster described the Strawberry Margarita by groaning loudly, while another claimed it was “the worst.” Another gagged while drinking it. So yeah, there are still two flavors that are worse than Strawberry Margarita. The Mike’s Hard Strawberry Margarita wasn’t just too sweet or too sour, it was a sugary, sour mess of a flavor -- like snorting Pixie Stix with Sweet Tarts crushed up and mixed in.
2
1.5
#6: Mike’s Hard Limeade
Initial Flavor: 2.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.2 • Overall: 1.9 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Ew, someone call Chris Hansen; this totally raped my taste buds.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lime salsa found on the grocery store clearance shelf Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Divorced suburban mother watching Hawaii Five-0, dreaming of a vacation to the beach. Notes: Whoever is responsible for creating Mike’s Hard Limeade misidentifies “overpowering citrus flavor” with “exotic.” This take on limeade closely resembles childhood soccer game essential Ecto Cooler, though we don’t advise consuming it in the back of a minivan.
#9: Mike’s Hard raspberry Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.7 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “I don’t understand how other adults drink thick beers like this.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Carbonated cough medicine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Small-town cross dresser Notes: Primarily, “acrid” means, “having an irritatingly string and unpleasant taste or smell.” An additional definition of acrid has little to do with the senses, meaning, “angry and bitter.” Though the former accurately describes Mike’s Hard Raspberry Lemonade, the latter is certainly more apt.
#10: Mike’s Hard winter blackberry Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.3 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.3 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes worse than the time I tried a sample of my own period.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Grape antifreeze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: 14-year-old chain-smoking baby momma Notes: The lowest of the low. The Nelson Muntz of the Mike’s Hard family. It looks and tastes like motor oil laced with sugar water. It tastes more black than berry. A taster describes it as, “A carnival gone wrong,” which isn’t a thing as far as we know, but seems incredibly apt. It is not made of things found on this earth.
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bartender of the week Natalie don't look back Age: 26 How long have you been bartending? 3 years Favorite Drink Recipe: The Paloma: tequila, lime juice, grapefruit and a salted rim Favorite Shot: Oh, no, I don’t take shots. Absolutely not. That’s how you get yourself in trouble. Personal theme song? “Money Trees,” by Kendrick Lamar If you could live in a different era which one would you pick? Roman times Favorite past time: Video games What’s your guilty pleasure? Kelly Clarkson Ever met anyone famous? Tim Kaine
the drinking game:
If you could hook up with a celebrity who would it be? Paul Rudd Favorite movie genre: 80’s action What’s your biggest pet peeve? I hate when people take their shoes off in restaurants. What’s the best way to get your attention on a crowded night? Pay with cash and tip well, because I’ll remember you. Who’s the weirdest person you’ve worked with? The lizard faced young man with huge balls. Worst customers you’ve ever had to deal with: A couple who ordered a quesadilla (that consisted of a premade mix) and they didn’t want any mushrooms in it; when I told them it wasn’t going to happen, they threatened not to tip me and told me to find the manager to get her to take the mushrooms out. They had mushrooms in their quesadilla and I didn’t get a tip.
recipe for disaster:
beeropoly
Politically Correct Puppy Chow
There’s no better combination than Monopoly and beer. It’s like whiskey and Coke, a match made in heaven (or at the local bar). Beeropoly will get you drunk before you past Go!, and spending $200 you can’t afford at a bar on Baltic Avenue.
It’s a combination of chocolate, peanut butter and crunchy goodness. It’s amazing whether you’re drunk, high, or completely sober. Who in their right minds doesn’t love a great batch of puppy chow? This puppy chow doesn’t discriminate between black and white, but mixes it all together into one big mouth orgasm.
What You’ll Need: Beer and Monopoly. Number of Players: Two to eight. Level of Intoxication: Wasted enough to think the Monopoly money will be sufficient currency to pay cover and buy drinks with. How To Play: - Shotgun a beer before starting the game; do it twice if you’re the banker. - Take a shot of beer every time you roll the dice. - Beer bong a beer every time your drunken ass is sent to jail. - Chug every time you pass GO! - Drink half a beer every time you buy some property. - Sip a beer every time you land on a friend’s property. - When one player gets a monopoly everyone needs to take 7 shots of beer. - Take a shot of beer before picking up a “Chance” card or before reaching into the Community Chest. - Chug a beer every time you land on free parking or jail. - Take two shots of beer when you decide to sell a mortgage property. - Chug a beer when you go bankrupt. The Game Ends When: Does Monopoly ever end?
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What You’ll Need: 2 boxes of Chex cereal, 1 package of milk chocolate chips, 1 package of white chocolate chips, 2 sticks of butter, 1 jar of peanut butter, 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 package of powdered sugar, your favorite chocolate candies and a big ol’ pot. Cook Time: About an hour and a half ‘til snackage. Fatty Factor: Dentist recommended to cause cavities! Let’s Get Baked: - Place half the jar of peanut butter, the white chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and one stick of butter in a large pot. - Place the pot over the stove at medium heat until all ingredients are beautifully melted together. - Take the pot off the stove and mix in one box of Chex. - Place the white chocolate chow in a CLOSED zip lock bag, add in half the bag of powdered sugar and shake it up. - Place the bag in your fridge and wash the pot. - Do the same for the milk chocolate chips using the rest of the jar of peanut butter, the milk chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and the other stick of butter in the pot. - Let the two puppy chow mixes cool in the fridge for about an hour. - Once cooled mix them together and add your favorite candies in, like M&Ms or crushed Oreos. Always a great snack to bring to parties … or cuddle on the couch with while your roommate left you home alone all night for a hot date.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
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The Taylor Swift Effect
and Other Pop Culture Phenomena tbs staff wrote this Everyone’s guilty of it. You hear a song on the radio or at a sick party in a Frat, and you immediately think, “Oh. My. God. Another Taylor Swift song? That girl has more problems than a math major’s homework.” Yet the radio stays on. You stay in the room at the party, and a minute later you’re singing at the top of your lungs, “I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE WHEN YOU WALKED IN!” In this case specifically, it's the Taylor Swift Effect, but it can be labeled under a broader spectrum of guilty pleasure addictions: The Pop Culture Phenomenon. What is responsible for this? Is it some T-Swift virus-spreading bug? No one knows. It's the kind of trashy, distasteful music and TV shows that make you want to puke but still have you coming back for more. So what is it about these things that are so revolting yet so appealing? It can’t be the beauty. The only reason you watch The Bachelor is because you can’t let your roommate watch it by herself. Come on! That’s just sad. You have to watch it with her for moral support, and it has nothing to do with the All-American Texas hunk who is blonde... and tan.... and beautiful. Obviously that’s too superficial for your level of intellectual depth. You’re there for moral support. Only moral support. Actually, there must be something that attracts people to these third-rate genres of trash. If this can give the healthiest, most straight-shooting of your friends a mild Bieber Fever, there must be some strong, inexplicable force behind it that makes us ill. And not even the good “I’m sick enough to get out of class but healthy enough to go to Joe Mama’s and get completely wasted” kind of ill. This is the horrifying “Why can’t I turn off the AMAs?” kind of ill. When your roommate turns on the AMAs, VMAs, or some other trashy awards show, you try to walk away. But despite your best efforts, you find yourself sitting through the entire thing, bitching about how Nicki Minaj won Best Rap Artist when you know Macklemore is so much better. Then you go on about how the stupid people who run these shows don’t know good music even if it backhands them across the face. And when your roommate gets annoyed and says, “Fine. We’ll just turn it off,” you, being the wonderful roommate you are, say, “No. I know you really want to watch this. We’ll keep it on for you.” There’s nothing like passing off the blame to condescendingly mask your shameful
addiction, but The Black Sheep knows. We know you are dying to see if T-Swift finally wins that Artist of the Year award she deserves so much. It’s a horrible illness, and, unfortunately, we have no cure. There is only prevention. Sign up for a “Shitty Pop Culture” detoxification session at the nearest rehab and stay the hell away from any mainstream media source. We may not know what causes this “Taylor Swift Effect” or any other guilty pleasure phenomena, but we do know one thing: we must band together to free ourselves from its grasp. It’s time to take a stand against pop culture. We must do it now… or maybe next semester. With prespring break midterms around the corner, we might need a little trashy escapism. Besides, Dance Moms is getting really intense, and you have to watch it, you know, for your roommate. She'll need all the moral support she can get watching all those “tiger mom” cat fights. Yeah. That’s it. After that we’ll take a stand.
we interview:
AER
Aer, white-assed duo (as opposed to White Ass Duo, our threesome buttsex flick) David von Mering and Carter Schultz, are famous for slash-reggae hits “Float My Boat” and “Feel I Bring.” While on tour with similarly-styled artist Hoodie Allen, they were kind enough to talk to us on the phone about life, love, and the pursuit of…just read the interview. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you guys get started? How did you guys meet? Aer: You want to know the details, everything you want to know about? Well, let’s see…We met as football stars in elementary school, became friends, took music seriously in high school. Then, viola. TBS: At what point did you realize you could make money doing something like this? Aer: We get going into senior year of high school, everyone’s focused on where they’re applying, and we weren’t. It didn’t seem like the time to get involved in all that, so we decided to take a year off to do our worst. We did our worst, and now we’re here. TBS: How do you maintain a business side of a band that’s all about having fun? Aer: Well, I mean, it shows what kind of people we are. We take the music seriously because it’s our job. Our friends are in college and we’re not, and that’s how we pay the bills. For us to pay the bills, we have to be entertaining, we have to be fun and fresh and wild. It’s serious being fun. TBS: But with a job that’s not 9-5, or without a class schedule you have to hold yourself to, how do you go, “here’s fun time, here’s relaxing time”? Aer: As a producer, I’m always thinking of ideas. These past two days I’ve made four instrumentals, whether they’re going to be on the album or not. It’s a constant output of material we choose from. The commitment is there, the everyday love of it is how we do it. We live and do shit in order to write about it. TBS: How do you get from an idea to a finished product? Aer: It starts with a beat. There’s some kind of emotion or vibe or feeling inside of that beat. Then, there’s a phrase after the beat that sums up the lyrical content. Carter will expand on it—for example, “Floats My Boat,” there’s that phrase, “I do what floats my boat,” that encompasses the whole song, and we go from there. TBS: Do you write for your audience, or do you write for yourself, hoping your audience appreciates what you have to say? Aer: I’m in the middle. If I wrote just for myself, you wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about—you’d think I’m obsessed with owls and eagles. I like to keep the arc to myself, but I try to make it relatable and understandable for all fans. TBS: You’re touring with Hoodie Allen right now. What’s the touring grind like? Aer: It’s like going to a summer camp where you don’t get to sleep and you’re constantly driving. A lot of kids wish they’re doing this, and that’s what keeps you positive about touring. A lot of people are doing 9-5 stuff, and I’m stepping on stage for a job; it really keeps things in perspective. TBS: How did you guys get hooked up with Hoodie Allen? Aer: We’ve always been good friends with him. He reached out a while back saying he liked our stuff, and it took a while, but he invited us on tour. It came out of nothing, to be honest. TBS: Is this tour a new challenge for you? Aer: At this point we’ve got touring down. I know what to put on my packing list, I know how long we’re staying out, I’ve lost enough shit on tour, and I know we’re going to go crazy on tour. TBS: Do you think you can better connect with college students because you’re in the same age group, as opposed to say, Bob Dylan? Aer: Of course. Using social media—Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff, allows us to connect better with our audience. We also love to hang out at the merch tables after our show that lets us meet everyone who came out. TBS: What do you guys do in your free time? Aer: I like taking girls to the movies. I like making omelettes. I prefer Greek salad over Caesar salad.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
David bowie - the next day out march 12th
It's the return of the Thin White Duke, folks. The Next Day is Bowie's first new album in a decade, and it promises to be a strong addition to a collection spanning four generations. Sure, Ole' Ziggy over there may not have the "up-beat party time jamz" of people like Skyblu and Redfoo, but this is a guy once so addicted to cocaine, he would only drink milk and eat red peppers. He'd toss those shots (shots, shots, shots, shots) back like baby medicine.
God of War: Ascension out march 12th
The seventh installment of the God of War franchise acts as a prequel to 2005's first iteration of the game. Here, we'll see how Kratos got picked on by bullies in high school, left for college, got mad jacked, then came back to kick some ass and take some names at his 10-year high school anniversary. Yeah, you get them, Kratos! Those jocks deserve those wedgies!
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone out march 15th
The latest Steve Carrell vehicle sees the lovable doofus playing an arrogant Las Vegas musician down and out after his partner (Steve Buscemi) leaves him. Enter Jim Carrey as street musician Steve Gray, out to overshadow the former legend. One can only assume this flick is rife with awkward pauses and moan-inducing crotch shots. Or both, when Carrey...uh...Carreycter makes contact, only to find that Carrell no longer has a pair.
the madlib: prepping for a pop show Yes, it’s finally here! I bought my ticket months ago, it only took ___1___ shifts at ___2___and a ___3___ or two to get the money for the tickets, but its going to be sooo awesome. Sure, I may be a ___4___ in college, but I’m the hugest ___5___ fan ever. None of my friends wanted to go, so luckily I can meet up with some fellow fans I met on ___6___. Who cares if they’re ___7___ or getting driven by their mom, who thinks it’s creepy I’m hanging out with them? Whatever, we are total ___8___-fanatics and that’s all that matters! I’ve got my outfit all ready, too. First, ___9___ crop top with ___10___-print fringes that I handmade, totally inspired by ___11___, she’s so perfect! Let’s not forget my ___12___ skinnys with my ___13___ pumps! Oh yeah, and my ___14___ nail decals, yum! My dad said I look like a ___15___ but I told him that I don’t even love him. And what’s a concert without a little ___16___ vodka and Four Loko? I’m fittin’ to get mad hype! I’m going to try to bring some in for my new friends, but I’m having Skype session with my boyfriend from ___17___ before I go, and I might need all the liquid courage I can get to actually talk to him this time! His English isn’t the best, and he sends me ___18___ pics and dead-___19___ pics, but that’s a cultural difference, right? Plus I want him to finally hear me sing ___20___ ballads, because I think I could be the next ___21___ and make thousands of dollars. Okay, ___22___-flavored lip gloss? Check! ___23___- perfume? Check! Extra pair of ___24___, in case I meet the band? Check! Well, here goes nothing, hopefully I don’t faint from all this liquor and caffeine!
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