The Black Sheep
FR EE ... Lik ew th ea e l rin ibr g ar dia y! per si n
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 8 11/29/12 - 12/5/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_vcu
The Republic of Virginia J.T Stockton wrote this
It’s like being thrust head first into a period of tension and bad hygiene, a period of division between wannabe whitecollars and lazy assholes. The Civil War ended almost 150 years ago, and with it so did the dreams of successful secession. Apparently, some elementary school teacher neglected to inform some 90,000 former pupils in Texas, and their ignorance has led them to repeat the violent decisions of our past. Texas has petitioned the federal government to secede from the union. They’re not the only state, though - as a matter of fact, all fifty states have petitions underway to begin the secession process. Obviously this is just post-election bluster, like those people that say they’re moving to Canada or joining a coven that their buddy Moonbeam is starting (Ed. note: You can take my wand from my cold, dead wizard fingers). With all this secession talk, it gets the mind wandering and meandering through the terrible “what if” sagas of our mind. That is to say, what if Virginia became an independent country? Oh, the possibilities: Military badass? Check. Virginia already has one of the biggest naval ports in the country, so becoming a military powerhouse would be a no brainer. We could easily become that arrogant country that messes shit up just because. Picking on timid North Carolina could become our nation’s favorite pastime. It’s the ex-American way. No matter the feds would take back most of the navy, we could build our own! We have steel and, iron… and stuff, right? YEAH! ABC stores would, of course, be non-existent. Alcohol would flow as freely as exposed clap on a transient sex worker. Street vendors would work 24/7 to curb the competition in selling liquor. Gas stations would hire delivery drivers to satisfy all customers, young and old alike, who didn’t feel like traveling to refill their cabinet full of God’s brown drinking water. Would we continue to be granted our rights? Would we still be granted equality, and all the other stuff we fight so hard for? We guess, but the real concern is if weed will be legal-
How the Mitt Sold Christmas A political twist on a Dr. Seuss classic.
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ized. That’s all we really care about - that and the right to take over West Virginia and be whole again. Come back home, baby, we’ll treat you right. Look at all the weed, gasoline, and navy boats we have. The fact that we live in a day and age when secession is still a relevant word shows how divided we’ve become as a nation. Texas wants to secede from the union, and Austin wants to secede from Texas. When did we become so bipolar? When did we become so utterly ugly as a country that the only thing that ties us together is deadly natural disasters?
what’s inside
Top Ten Tips for Stretching Your Holiday Shopping Budget
Europe looks good about now, and Europe has bad teeth. We here in Virginia will remain part of the union, either fortunately or unfortunately, and that means we will continue to deal with the baboons in congress and the things they do, or attempt to do. Most psychos end up in insane asylums, in the U.S psychos petition to secede and people listen to them. You got to love this great country of ours, where you grow up in Latin America, move to the U.S in a cattle car, and create a revolution for the sheer fun of it – and it latches on. Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
The Ugly Sweater of your Dreams
Because turning out your pockets like a hobo isn’t going to work for two Decembers in a row.
There’s a gem hiding in those liceinfested thrift store racks.
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