Vol. 5, Issue 8
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/10/13 - 10/16/13
Attention VCU:
Beware the Common Cold and a Bunch of Other Ailments BY: Sabrina Fuller In light of the recent tuberculosis scare on campus, The Black Sheep compiled a list of public service announcements for other illnesses circulating around town.
Havoc Hives:
getting a car or getting a knee brace. On the bright side, with all that walking, you have nicely toned calf muscles.
Monroe Park Mumps:
Everyone on campus is at least a little excited about the return of basketball season. However, some people just can’t handle the wait. For these people, the Black and Gold Game on October 13 won’t be enough to hold them over. Those affected will begin to experience severe symptoms. The first sign is itchy skin. Infected persons may write off the itch as a prank, but no shower or Cortizone-10 will cure this! Acute Havoc Hives often result in black and gold patches forming on the skin. Optimal treatment would be going to see a VCU home game, stat. But since the season hasn’t started yet there is one other top-secret cure: direct contact with Rodney the Ram. Apply some of that sweet mascot love to your wounds and watch them heal.
The homeless people in the park may seem harmless enough. Hell, most of us have given them food at one point in our budding college careers. But you must take precautions this season, lest you end up with one giant “bum bump,” as Kevin Hart would say. The key to prevention is to stay clear of any physical contact. Hopefully, you already take this precaution when frolicking through Monroe. Keep five feet away from other. It’s also not a bad idea to wear a face mask. On the off chance that you do contract this particularly devastating virus, make an appointment at Student Health. Just make sure that you’re willing to pay an arm and a leg for your medication.
MCV Walker’s Knee:
Did you know that using public showers and locker room increases your chance of getting “the itch”? One of the most unpleasant parts of living in an underclassmen residence hall is the central bathroom. Even with your shower shoes and nice, clean toiletry tote, you are at risk. If you aren’t careful you may find fungus growing in every moist, warm crevice of your body. Symptoms of Johnson Hall Jock Itch include a STD-like rash in the infected area. Steal some of your roommate’s antifungal cream and get to work. And please, use a clean towel next time to prevent relapse.
It’s hard being a student who commutes between VCU campuses. The early mornings and late nights tend to take a toll both mentally and emotionally. What sucks even more is that once you finally make it downtown you are putting yourself in direct risk of Walker’s Knee. The downtown pace means that you already have to speed walk at every crosswalk. To top that off, Richmond’s roads and sidewalks are bumpy, uneven, and just gross. Your professor is not going to accept “acute Walker’s Knee” as an excuse to miss your biology test next week. Your only two options for treatment are
Johnson Hall Jock Itch:
Live Music Laryngitis:
This illness is especially dangerous for those who frequently visit local bands. Seeing multiple performances in a week is a great way to have fun and meet new people, that is until you realize you have a class presentation on Monday, but you can’t talk. Symptoms of LML include a raspy voice and a sore, scratchy throat. In extreme cases you may not be able to verbalize any sound whatsoever. For a quick fix you
could buy an insanely expensive pack of lozenges from the Rite Aid on Broad Street. But if you’re a reasonable or broke consumer, visit one of the local tea shops around Richmond. Equipped with this guide to campus illnesses, you should be able to breeze through the semester. Just because you told your prof that you were in bed with strep, who says you actually have to get sick this year? Stay healthy VCU!
page 5
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Richmond Murals: An Interpretative Story
Interview: Brother Pillar of Hot Spot
Burnt Rubber Smelling Bicycle Gang Comes to Town
Who’s that guy who sells bajas? You’re about to find out!
Sons of Anarchy, meet the Sons of Meta-Chic.
We’ll see what’s so jar-ring about the Strawberry Lady.
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Richmond Murals: An Interpretative Story By: Kalsey Hanratty Richmond is as crazy as your grandma when no one is looking. Cigarettes, tattoos, crazy hair, individualists, and hipsters define Richmond, but the most defining characteristic this city has is its art. Richmond walls get tagged more than third graders in gym class. We all see what we want to see in local murals, and The Black Sheep is going to tell you what you missed at first glance.
Skeleton Robot Cat Mattress: Mr. Stark, I do believe another stray cat has found its way into your suit again. Nah we kid, but really he’s just had a rough life. A mad scientist created Rusty in his basement one night in a drunken stupor and left him unfinished. Rusty has spent the last 10 years of his life trying to fit in. The house cats bolt from windows when he walks past and the alley cats think he’s cracked out. Rusty scavenges the streets of Richmond searching for dollar bills to spend on pussycat shows in the sewer every night.
Strawberry Lady: As of right now, this is the most popular mural around Richmond. Who doesn’t love a naked girl in a strawberry jar (sorry, horny diabetics). Jane is her name and she loves strawberries. Her obsession with strawberries didn’t make Jane the most popular person around town, so Jane spent a lot of time alone. She had never had a boyfriend and as Jane got older, she realized she had never even kissed a boy. Jane wasn’t oblivious to the world outside of strawberries, but she also wasn’t a part of it. She knew quite a few men that’d be willing to smuck her (KY jelly had nothing on her lube game). So she went to the nearest Container Store, walked around the back of it to a grimy alleyway, and bummed a giant jar from the farmers market. She tweeted that pic with her and the forbidden fruit; needless to say, bananics (fruit fanatics) rejoiced that they had an image to critique and/or whack it to.
Vulture Down: Artists love to flip the bird at harsh critics, and this mural is a representation of that fact. The story of OI’ Lenny starts at the club one fateful night with some friends when he got so hammered he began squawking at strangers. Lenny made friends with a bald eagle before he got so drunk, he couldn’t lift a wing. When Lenny ran into the bald eagle at the bar, he asked the bald eagle if he liked representing America. The bald eagle began to answer, but Lenny interrupted him with profanities. Lenny called him a pansy and 20 other slurs that all ended in “Death to America!” Naturally, the bald eagle grabbed an arrow off of the wall and shoved it into Lenny’s chest. As he painfully bled out, someone Snapchatted the image to their friends instead of calling for help. The image found its way to a Richmond artist, and history was made. You see, the murals around our beautiful city are much more than just pictures. They’re strange images that locals feel required to defend to tourists. Take a second to feel those feelings and write those stories in your head next time you walk past a mural, because that’s what it’s there for. Just don’t stand right in front of Strawberry Lady; hobos need love too.
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We Interview:
Brother Pillar of
The Hot Spot
The
Top
Ten
Ways to Not Get Robbed in Richmond By: Nathan Heintschel
VCU has invested in preventing crime by employing 90 police officers and more than 200 security personnel who have completed over 600 hours of training. However, incidents like the infamous Chili-Pepper-Pants Robber are reality. The Black Sheep is here to provide 10 silly and/or serious ways to decrease your risk of robbery. Please remember, despite what’s written in the article, to follow the suggestions made by the VCU Police, sign up for VCU Alerts, and keep the on campus police number, (804)-828-1234, saved in your phone. 10.) Kill ‘em with kindness: This method probably won’t prevent you from getting robbed, but it might prevent a future robbery. As you give your things to the robber, let them know how slim they look in their ski mask. Maybe this will give them the confidence to pursue modeling and not robbery. 9.) Walk in large groups: Statistically, you are less likely to be robbed when traveling in large groups. If someone tries to hit you up, hit them up with an outdated Harlem Shake! 8.) Travel home in a bubble similar to The Flaming Lips’ Wayne Coyne: While there are no statistics to prove this, we have to assume it’s hard to rob someone that is rolling around in a giant bubble. The logistics of taking your wallet out, maneuvering the opening of the bubble to the robber, and then extracting the wallet from the bubble seems too frustrating and time consuming for the average robber.
By: Elena Correa For those of you who don’t know Brother Pillar, he’s the colorful guy with dreads and a great spirit selling colorful bajas (a.k.a. drug rugs) and some of the coolest tie-dye shirts you’ve ever seen outside of the Commons. If you catch sight of these on your way to gorge yourself on Taco Bell, it’s coming from: The Hot Spot. We decided to interview the man who runs the show. The Black Sheep: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen on the job? Brother Pillar: A person riding their bike and had a full-on collision with someone crossing the street. The craziest thing about it was that everyone stopped and stared, but no one even helped them up! TBS: What’s one thing you wish you could sell, but can’t? BP: At this point, his co-worker, Owen, chimes in “1000 bajas!”Brother Pillar laughs and rolls his eyes. Well, yeah, that would be nice, but really if I could do it, I would have a health bar out here where I could sell all natural juices made with fruits and veggies. I’m actually trying to do something like that, but it’s hard because of the space restraints. TBS: If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be? BP: Lion. I’m a Leo, so… TBS: What? No way! I’m a Leo too! BP: See, that’s why we vibe so well, we already know what’s up. See, Owen, this is why I’m always telling you I already know! Owen rolls his eyes, he’s an Aquarius. After talking astrology for a bit, we get back to business. TBS: If you could give one piece of advice to the students at VCU, what would it be?
06
BP: I like that question. One important thing to keep in mind is to listen; to be a great listener. Ask the right questions and listen. In other words, you got to ask the right questions to get the right answers.” TBS: What song best describes your work ethic? BP: “Shut Em Down” by Public Enemy TBS: What’s the craziest thing you would do or have done to attract customers? BP: I don’t do anything crazy. My attitude towards it is to just sit back, play music, give out good vibes, and good people will come. Plus, our stuff is so dope I don’t really have to try. TBS: What’s the best part about your job? BP: Now we’re talking. The best part for me is being outdoors with all kinds of people; I like the variety. It’s cool to be able to communicate and share stories with people out here. It’s also cool to work for myself, you know, and have the freedom to express myself.
7.) Pay attention to VCU Alerts: Do not ignore the stabbing alert while sending your side-chick that 38th dick pic. Be concerned. Be very concerned.
TBS: What’s one word you would use to describe VCU students? BP: You know, you see so many different people around here, doing so many different things. So, I guess I would have to say diverse.
5.) Walk in well-lit areas: Remember when Mary Jane got robbed in Spider-Man? Yeah, that was in a dark alley. You need to bask in the street lamps whille you walk at night since you probably don’t have an arachnid-themed stalker/hero.
TBS: Rap or reggae? BP: Ah, that’s hard.Right now, reggae. TBS: Why should people read The Black Sheep? BP: Cause you wrote the article! And because you have good, mature writers. There you have it, folks, Brother Pillar. If you haven’t yet, stop by his stand right in front of the Commons. Whether you’re looking for some new threads or just avoiding an ex, you’re bound to walk away feeling refreshed and relaxed.
6.) Hire bodyguards: The average career for NFL players is three years, which means there are scores of enormous men in their late 20s and early 30s who are ready to deliver some justice.
4.) Join a team of ninjas: Now when you walk home, the team of ninjas will silently race across the rooftops, ready to strike any adversaries, or make a cool escape. 3.) Keep a dummy wallet: It is astute (not pronounced “ass toot”) of you to keep your money in your underwear and have a dummy wallet with like two bucks in it. 2.) Shit your pants: If we were robbers, we wouldn’t want our stolen greenbacks to be brown. Do not employ this method if you are also doing the dummy wallet method. 1.) Use the Ram Safe Escort Services: Walking is lame and requires effort, but getting a ride that your student fees have already paid for is anti-lame and requires maybe two calories burned to make the call. Plus, it’s an actually legit way to fight crime.
Around campus LICKING STUFF EDITION
We tweeted out a request to send us pictures of you licking something. and boy, are we glad we did.
from the tweets If you had to move one part of your body to another part of your body, what would it be?
07
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Food and Event Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY: Doc & The Keynotes
Thur. 10/10
$2 Taco Night K-Dub Experience, Live!
SUNDAY:
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Sunday: $1 Tacos
Tuesday-Saturday! Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Fri. 10/11
Doc & The Keynotes
Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!
No Cover! Live Music at 9:30pm Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Sat. 10/12
6pm - 8:30pm: Matt Blanton 10pm: Capoeira Resistência Benefit
Live Music & DJ’s Every Saturday Night!
Check Us Out During the Week for Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Come in on Sunday for $1 Tacos!
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Sun. 10/13
Emilio’s Brunch Starting at Noon! Plus 1/2 Off Wings The Andres Santamaria Experience
Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99 We have Sunday Ticket! Every NFL Game, Every Sunday
Check Us Out During the Week for Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
$1 Tacos!!!
Piano Brunch!
Mon. 10/14
Open Mic Night w/ Stretch & The Elastics 9pm Sign-up, 10pm Start
Low Tide 4-8 pm: $2 OFF Select Apps
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Closed
Tues. 10/15
Salsa Night w/ Dj Steve Greene
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps Burger Special Buy One, Get One free Te-quil-ya Tuesdays
1/2 Price Burger Night! 4-11pm, Dine-in Only Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Wed. 10/16
Da York Brotherz
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps College Night! Show Your ID For Great Specials
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99 We have Sunday Ticket! Every NFL Game, Every Sunday
Burnt Rubber Smelling Bicycle Gang
Comes to Town By: Elena Correa Bikes and Richmond go together like rum and Coke. Walking around campus, you see more bikes than you do cigarettes. But beware, there’s a new biker gang in town. They call themselves “Burnt Rubber,” and they’re here to make your wheels squeak, forcing you to slam on your brakes as they zoom through street signs and crosswalks without the slightest hand signal.
came from, but some speculate they travel from city to city, with their one purpose being to take over the roads and wreak havoc on drivers. Apparently, there have been several reports of members of the gang causing drivers to slam their brakes so hard that they spill hot coffee in their laps. They are also notorious for provoking road rage, leading some drivers to seek anger management.
This gang follows a pretty standard dress code. And we’re not talking about leather chaps and handlebar mustaches. We’re talking ass-tight, blood-red skinny jeans, patterned short sleeve button-ups and VANS. We’re talking burgundy lipstick, combat boots, bandanas, and your mom’s old jean jacket with the sleeves cut off. Move over Sons of Anarchy, this crew doesn’t crush faces... they crunch falafel.
Drivers aren’t the only ones victim to their games; they also like to mess with pedestrians, using their speed as an advantage. They may speed by you without a word, too cool to care that they almost clipped you with their handlebars. They refuse to be mainstream, they don’t ride their bikes on the road like everyone else does. They like the bumps and divots of the sidewalk. You can try to scream and yell when one nearly gives you a heart attack as they zoom by, but they won’t hear you. They’re in their zone, blasting Lana Del Rey like a boss.
They’re not your average Richmond badasses; these bikers mean business, and they don’t backpedal for nobody. No one knows where these edgy cyclists
But their most imminent threat is upon us. Do you live on or drive down Floyd Avenue? Sucks for you, because Richmond City Council is pushing to turn Floyd Ave into a “bike boulevard,” meaning low-volume and low-speed traffic as far as cars go, giving priority to bicyclists. That’s right, folks, City Council voted last month to ask the Commonwealth Transportation Board to approve this notion. This bike boulevard would extend for 27 blocks, from Dooley Avenue to Laurel Street, with traffic “diverters” installed at intersections to force car traffic onto other streets. Upon hearing this rumor, the bike punks proceeded to rally
around the campus: leaving thin skid marks on the pavement, slightly shifting the BookHolders sign to the right, and congesting the Twitter feed with pics of their ironic Hey Arnold! tattoos. While convenient for bikers, if you travel most places by car, this could add another 10-15 minutes to your day. We don’t like throwing around the term ‘conspiracy theory’ but something tells us that this is no coincidence. There’s a mole in City Council, and it smells like burnt rubber...
The Top 10
Awful, Unfunny Twitter Accounts Your Dumbass Friends Are Following (and How to End Your Friendships With Them)
Running a Twitter account is hard. Trying to come up with witty things to say and relevant jokes to make is not as easy as the handsome, well-endowed and talented folks at The Black Sheep make it look. However, despite the best intentions of those with actual senses of humor, Twitter is populated by a number of “comedy” and “parody” accounts that have an endless supply of followers. If your Twitter feed has ever become infested with terrible attempts at topical jokes, puns and memes, it means one of your friends has caught the Parody Plague, and it’s time to cut him loose. Here, we’ll detail some of the worst accounts on Twitter, accounts so bad that ending your friendship over them would be more than justified.
Read on to see the first five most obnoxious Twitter accounts!
Next Week: The crème-de-la-crème of crap: the top-five worst accounts on Twitter.
Dishonorable Mentions:
@TotalSratMove • @_DosEquisMan, @FauxJohnMadden • @The_HelenKeller, @ItsBadLuckBrian • @SenTedCruz
10. @chuck_facts
WORST of the WORST
9. @OhWonka
8. @WolfpackAlan
WORST of the WORST
WORST of the WORST Terminal, communicable disease-based humor is a surefire way to prove that you’re an insensitive asshole with the intellect of a poorly raised child. It is 2013. That means that Chuck Norris “jokes” have been around for eight years, and have not been funny for seven-and-a-half of them. The entire premise is “Chuck Norris Does Absurd/Impossible Thing” and that’s literally it. That’s the entire joke. It may be kind of worth a sly grin the first couple of times you hear one, but after the sixth time you hear that “Chuck Norris pushes the Earth down when he does pushups” you should make like the terrible Chuck Norris joke reference on Family Guy and punch that person in the face. This account is only ranked so low because it sticks to its principles and does not branch out, which is kind of the point of a parody account. However, it’s here because it’s terrible. How to End the Friendship: Tell him or her to “talk to the hand” and leave. Because that’s another totally modern and relevant insult that didn’t become oversaturated six months after you first heard it or anything.
When in doubt, homophobia is always a great substitute for actual wit and humor! Ugh, our first image macro-based account. Image macros exploded in the world of internet culture and into the mainstream sometime between 2009 and 2012. The world is a far, far worse place because of it. Any actual attempts at humor by particularly uncreative individuals can now be placed on a picture in Impact font, and scores upon scores of brainless morons will share it. It’s a real case study in just how low we’ve sunk as a society. The Condescending Wonka idea certainly isn’t the worst in theory, but in practice it proves that people don’t even care about the proper use of an image macro, as long as it has some generally relatable and unfunny bullshit spit onto it. Whoever runs this account has forgotten what condescension actually is (or, more likely, had no idea in the first place because they are a humorless shitsack) and replaced it with middle school-level insults towards a general audience. If you’re following this account, we hope you are filled with intense levels of self-hatred, because if not we’re more than willing to fill in the gaps for you. Gene Wilder deserves better than this. How to End the Friendship: Write, “Oh, you thought we were friends? Well then you followed this stupid fucking Twitter account and made me realize that you are unfunny and miserable” on a picture of Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka. That should do it.
Gibberish and nonsense phrases are inherently funny because I’m so alternative and random, I should put this tweet next to my Invader Zim picture on my MySpace in 2006! The Hangover was kinda funny in 2009. It wasn’t the “funniest movie ever made” as some made it out to be, but it had plenty of solid moments. Of course, every minor cultural experience requires a Twitter “parody” account, and Zach Galifianakis’ Alan is no exception. Except this isn’t a parody account. In fact, does anybody on Twitter know what parody means anymore? This account tweets random recycled garbage that relates to either 15-year olds who aren’t popular in high school or those who are having their first experience with humor and are wholly incapable of judging the comedic merit of any one attempt to be funny. It’s the same stupidity that every parody account pumps-and-dumps and that their armies of brainless followers will retweet without second thought. It doesn’t even ATTEMPT to write in character or anything. It makes “topical” jokes about Justin Bieber and Twilight and “MIND = BLOWN” linkbait posts. That, plus the wonderful plethora of racism and slut shaming make this account wholly abhorrent. How to End the Friendship: Invite your friends over, and when they all come walking through the door, tell the offender “Not you, Fat Jesus” and slap them in the face.
7. @UberFacts/@WTFFacts, etc. If you have a great thirst for knowledge and the IQ of a gnat these accounts are perfect for you, as they not only make sure all of their facts are easy-to-digest exercises in stupidity, but they usually just make shit up. The word “fact” is used about as loosely as the word “parody” on Twitter, and these guys epitomize that. For every post that is actually a legitimate, reputable, provable piece of information, there are six that prove that sad lonely losers in the 11th grade are truly the greatest people on earth and that all the popular kids are secretly neo-Nazis who will eventually live in trailer parks. Notice a trend? Preying on stupid people and immature high school kids, and reposting the same stuff as everyone else on top of it, makes for a knockout Twitter account follower-wise, and a complete dearth of intellect and humor on your timeline. This account is a one-trick pony, except the pony is filled with shit and every time you try and ride it; it tries to give you a lobotomy. They may not be as bad in terms of attempts at humor as others on this list, but they have one thing few other terrible accounts do: they’re verified. Twitter found it within them to verify this pillar to the sheep-like nature and general stupidity of the average person. Incredible. How to End the Friendship: Just tell them that you read on Twitter that your friendship increases your likelihood of an early death, and that it has to be true because it’s on the internet.
Ah yes, subjective bullshit stats about high school pettiness. The ultimate fact if we’ve ever seen it.
6. @Lord_Voldemort7 Harry Potter is one of the most incredible cultural phenomena of all time. Between absurd book and movies sales, career-making roles for many of it actors, and the cult-like devotion of its most loyal followers, the story of The Boy Who Lived is one that has permeated our culture. A Twitter account pretending to roleplay as Tom Riddle himself was created to tweet about things that are completely unrelated to the Harry Potter universe, the next obvious step in a natural progression. If this account stuck to tweeting stupid shit about Harry Potter for people who cannot seem to escape their own childhoods that’s perfectly fine and inoffensive, but it recycles the same faux-relevant jokes everyone else does most of the time, and people retweet it because “OMG VOLDEMORT SAID SOMETHING ABOUT RIHANNA,” because people are stupid. Over two million followers watch some idiot masquerading as a (dead) fictional character as he tries to relate to every special snowflake who thinks they’re the only person who “hates everyone.”
Ah yes, Justin Bieber and Chris Brown are the exact type of topics that The Dark Lord Voldemort would tweet about if he had a Twitter handle. Bonus abuse humor, because battering women is always funny!
If your obsession with Harry Potter has gotten to the point where your main source of humor must come from a Voldemort role-play account, you should probably find a hobby, because you’re a hyper-obsessive weirdo. The added terribleness of this dumpster fire of a Twitter account making references to Mean Girls, Twilight, The Hunger Games, and Nickelback take it from being awful and stupid and weird to a world-class atrocity. If you follow this account you deserve eternal suffering. How to End the Friendship: Kill their parents.
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Major: Communication Arts and African American Studies Favorite Drink: IPAs
Disgusting Drink: Goldschläger What’s the best thing about fall at VCU?: It’s very moderate. Being able to layer, I love layering. What’s the worst thing about fall at VCU?: Fleas from my dog. What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: I say horse when I try to say dog or vice versa.
Drinking Game Wrecking Ball It’s the insane bastard child of a torrid affair between beer pong, flip cup, dizzy bat and Jenga. No, we’re not asking you to get naked and dance around like Miley. We’re just asking you to get drunk. What You’ll Need: 42 Solo cups, 3 ping pong balls, 2 baseball bats and one perfectly flat table Number of Players: 6 Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between “lampshade over head” and “lampshade in bed.” How To Play: - Set the cups up like 21-cup beer pong, filling the cups with a reasonable amount of beer. - Split up into 2 teams and pair up with someone on the opposite team. - Decide who starts by shooting the balls like regular pong until someone makes a cup. - When a player makes a cup, he and his partner both grab a cup from their respective triangles. - These two players then play a 1-cup game of flip cup. - If the shooter’s partner wins, then both cups are returned to each teams’ triangle and refilled. - If the shooter wins, then his team refills their cup and returns it to their triangle. The partner’s team must stack their cup upside down on their side of the table to make a standing pyramid with a base of 6 cups. - If your stack falls at any point, you must rebuild it and everyone on your team takes a shot. - Continue to play in this fashion, rotating players until one team has a full standing pyramid.
- When the opponent’s stack is complete, the player on the winning team who made the last cup gets a chance to win the game. The player must grab one of the baseball bats and spin around 8 times, with his head on the bat and the other end of the bat on the floor. He then has 3 seconds to pick up a ping pong ball and throw it at the enemy stack. - If he knocks down 15 or more cups, then his team wins! - If he knocks down fewer than 15 cups from the stack, his team must all take a shot. - As soon as the shots are finished, another player on the team can begin spinning around the bat to try again. This process repeats until 15 or more cups have been knocked down. - In the event that fewer than 15 cups were knocked down on the first throw, the opposite team has an opportunity to catch up. They can run to the other side of the table, drink their opponents’ remaining cups, flip them, and stack them. They can start spinning on their own bat and then throwing at the other team’s stack.
The Game Ends When: One of the teams successfully knocks down their opponent’s stack, hopefully without hurling everywhere.
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What fictional hero would be a dick if he were real?: The Roadrunner. In the far future when aliens discover earth, what modern object will they think is a sex toy that is not a sex toy?: An Atari joystick.
Favorite Shot: Bourbon
Yoseph of The Nile
item, what would you choose to eat?: Cheesecake.
If you had to eat five pounds of one
What’s the weirdest Wikipedia page you’ve ever read?: I usually just go to check birthdates of artists; I don’t really use it. What message would you like to convey to your archenemy?: “What goes around comes around.” Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s informative, it’s funny, it’s a quick read.
Recipe for disaster Chicago Style Taco The Windy City deserves the nickname, what with Chicagoans bloviating endlessly about what should go on a hotdog and what shouldn’t. Guys, it’s a meat casing stuffed with raccoon assholes, chill out for a second. Still, they’re A-ok in our book for inspiring this gem. What You’ll Need: Taco shells, hot dogs, hot peppers, sweet relish, chopped onions, pickle spears, a tomato, and mustard. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: The Superfans weren’t exactly skinny. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 200 degrees. - Chop the onions. - Slice your tomato. - Once preheated, place the taco shells in the oven for 7 minutes. - Cook the hotdogs in the microwave for 2 minutes. - Remove the taco shells, place one hot dog in each taco shell with a pickle spear on top. - Add onions, relish, peppers, tomatos and mustard as desired. Seriously though, no ketchup.
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He Didn’t Deserve You Anyway: Break-Ups and You By: black Sheep Staff Everyone experiences rejection — be it from our jobs, our friends or that goddamn ass-fart Jim Morton and his stupid-ass face. Rejection is just a part of life, and since there’s no point in letting life ruin life for you, you can’t let it break your heart and turn you into a volcano of hate or a cheap Taylor Swift knockoff. So what is a less-thanor-equal-to-drinking-age young adult supposed to do with their feelings? Drink: You just had your heart torn out of your chest, and stomped on, and sprayed with pepper spray, and doused in gasoline, and set on fire, and chewed on by a rabid deer, and thrown against the canvas of a tormented artist, and tossed in the street, and run over by a monster truck, and exposed to no less than six kinds of electromagnetic radiation, and shoved back into your chest cavity by some ass-hat that never cleans under his damn nails. There is someone in this town who will buy you a drink. Call Them: “You know whad Jim? Fluck you! You didda even know how much I frickin gave you! Go on, find some tramp’ll pud up wif yer shiiid, Jim! I dune’en need you! If I ever see yer douche-crapper face agai’, I’mma
punch it in id’s face, an’ when it pops off yer neck, I’mma roun’house kick it in th’ jaw super hard, and then I’mma run all th’ way ‘roun’ the worl’ tuh kick it again b’fore it hits th’ groun’, an’ I’mma jus’ play tennis wif yer head wif m’self until yer ass-fart-dildo face explodes all over yer bitch muhver. Call me when you get this.” Figure out How to Delete Someone Else’s Voicemail: Oh, shit, you just drunk-dialed your ex-boyfriend/ girlfriend/boss/BFF/professor/roommate/senator! Why did you go for tequila? Why did you stop using your phone for Candy Crush? Why did you even wake up this morning? Okay, calm down. You can fix this. All you have to do is delete the message. You can do that, right? With all the miracles of technology, someone had to have invented a way to get rid of drunk phone messages at 2 in the morning before Jim Morton gets it! GOOGLE! Google will know! You Can’t Delete Someone Else’s Voicemail: God DAMN you, nerds, what are you even doing?!? Call to Clarify: “Heeeeeeey, Jim, listen. Tessa — you remember Tessa, right?
— has been working on a really great impression of me and she got, like, so wasted tonight and she got my phone and I, like, just saw the call to you so I thought I should let you know that whatever she said, that totally wasn’t me, okay? Tess is so funny, she just wanted to see if she could fool the man I’ve spent the last two and a half years with! Okay, just to clarify: that was Tessa that said she wanted to play tennis with your head. Not me. Talk to you later!” Get Bad News: Who is texting you at 2:30 in the morning? Jamie? What does she want? Doesn’t she know you’re asleep and totally not obsessing over Jim and his douche-turtle voicemail? “OMG im sooooo sorry.” What? Type back, “4 what?” “tess and jim left the bar 2gether :(((“ No. No way. Uh-uh. No goddamn way! That skank! How could she do this to you?! She’s probably been trying to break you two up for months, just so she could sleep with your boyfriend! That’s why your sweet Jimmy Jams broke up with you! That pock-faced whore bewitched him! Throw Up: Gross, did you eat an en-
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tire green pepper pizza? And… corn? When did you have corn? Ew, it’s still coming out! Oh God, why won’t you stop throwing up?! Jesus, flush the toilet now so you don’t clog the system! Are you done ye- *gag*! OH GOD IT’S *gag choke gargle* IT’S JUST- shhh, no, don’t cry. It’s okay, don’t cry! You’re going to be okay! Everything’s going to be okay, calm down! Pass Out: Are you supposed to be on your stomach so you don’t choke on your vomit? Or on your back so you don’t drown yourself in the piss puddle by the toilet? Maybe… okay, on your side, and use your shirt like a pillow. Theeeeere we go. Remember That Your Alibi Doesn’t Work Anymore: SHITDAMNIT! Call Again: “Hey, Jim. It’s me again. Listen, about those last two voicemails — I was totally just joking with you. We’re cool, like, I still want us to be friends, so when I realized that what I said might not have sounded like a joke to you, I was like, ‘Ahh, I gotta make sure he knows it was a joke,’ haha! Eenyhoo, totally call me when you get this, kay? Kay! Buh-bye!”
Call Again: “And just so you know, I’m totally cool with you and Tessa making love. Totally fine with it. Nah, we’re all friends here, we’re all good. Call me back!”
You hear me? Jim and I are soul mates, and once he realizes what a trashy slut you are, he’ll come right back to me and we will spend the rest of our lives laughing at your pathetic, sorry ass!”
Call Again: “Listen up, you slackjawed-whore-bitch-dildo: I don’t know what you did to convince Jimmy to leave me, but it’s not gonna work.
Call Again: “Whoopsie, that last call was the wrong number! Sorry, Jim! Just joking again, haha! Yeah, so, call me!”
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madlib Even though
it’s a ___1___ night, I’m always down to party! Crush some ___2___, slam some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ ’s cousin’s friend’s neighbor who lives in ___5___ , and they are turning 21. Hell yeah! I love birthdays!
Going to a Birthday party
too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___ , everyone loves those! Maybe a little Pin the Tail on the ___11___ , maybe some helium balloons to get a little funny later. Since I’ve got a fake ID, I want to flaunt it. I’m Ladies love my ___12___ voice impression. bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth Damn, I love that ___13___ so much. of ___7___ just to keep people on their toes. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up I heard ___14___ is going to be there, and a new striped button-up, and just tell people that she can twerk better than ___15___ and it’s from ___9___ because everyone will be ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make 1: Weekday 2: Shitty Beer 3: Freshman dorm 4: Your roommate 5: Notorious party apartment
6: Flavor 7: Unusual liqueur 8: Grocery store 9: High-fashion designer 10: Cliche party favor 11: Animal
a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___ , some ___18___ , and ___19___ , the bitches love them. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to show the ladies that I’ve got pipes… all over the place, if you catch my drift. Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___ on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!
12: Cartoon character 13: Cartoon that #12 is from 14: Hot girl on campus 15: Young female celebrity 16: Old female celebrity 17: Terrible EDM artist
18: Classic hip-hop artist 19: Popular pop band 20: Classic karaoke song 21: Cartoon from #13 22: Drunk food
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