The Black Sheep
FR EE .. af . lik ter e t yo he v u w om al it k d on ow yo n ur Br s oa hoe d! s
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 8 • 3/14/13 - 3/20/13
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I’m wearing an Irish t-shirt Lorenzo Simpson wrote this
When asked about what St. Patrick’s Day meant to him, a VCU student who shall remain anonymous said, “Pinches of greed, everybody is mean, so you better wear green or else you’ll end up like Charlie Sheen…” So to him, the holiday is about childish violence fueled by avarice, animosity, and wearing green, or else one will go on a drug-induced tirade that will result in a terrible television show on FX. As beautiful and genuine as that description was, there is a little bit more to the holiday than that. He forgot about the consumption of cabbage and four leaf clovers, and the drinking of Shamrock Shakes and beer. So what’s the real story behind St. Patrick’s Day, besides the fabled story of the Leprechaun Holocaust of 1437, when millions of little magic people were slaughtered because they refused to share their Lucky Charms? St. Patty’s Day is about the story of St. Patrick, an Irish priest that converted all of the pagans to Christianity, much like when Michael Jordan converted from Nikes to Air Jordan, but with more Jesus. If anyone knows the story at all, they will say it’s about how the jolly green bishop harnessed the power of foliage, using the three leaf clover to drive the snakes out of the country. But this story seems a bit off. Snakes and plants have been tight for ages; we wouldn’t have the saying “snake in the grass” if they weren’t. And it’s common knowledge that the only creatures that have been known to drop everything and scoot away at the sight of green leaves are kindergarteners, fat people, and everyone against the legalization of marijuana. So after minutes of arduous research on Wikipedia, it was revealed that there were actually no snakes in Ireland at the time of the supposed purge, or ever, for that matter. The snakes were actually a symbol of the evils of the land, and Pagans used to worship serpent symbols before they started reppin’ Jesus. One could say pagans and reptiles had a deep hisssssss-tory… anyone? Anyone? Anyway, St. Pat came through and baptized everyone, and all was right with the world. Natives from Ireland traveled far and wide and narrow and diagonally over the world, taking their religion, culture and potatoes with them. The way the actual holiday came to be embraced by various parts of the world is the same way Catholic children come to embrace Christianity: LOVE IT, OR I’LL PLANT
When Your Poop Turns Green: A St. Patrick’s Day Epilogue
THIS RULER UPSIDE YOUR HEAD! St. Patrick’s Day is meant to celebrate spiritual renewal and to pray for missionaries all over the globe. So on this day, when a Mormon or a Jehovah’s Witness comes to your door, don’t give him the usual treatment of a Falcon-punching in the Blarney stones and a slammed door in their face. Give him a big hug, shove a fistful of boiled cabbage into his hands, and send
what'’s inside
Reasons We’re All Irish on St. Patty’s Day
him on his merry way. St. Patrick’s Day is meant to be a break from Lenten restrictions of consuming alcohol, so have a good time. Get a swimming pool full of Bailey’s and dive in. Just try to avoid getting into a bar fight. If you think you might be about to get pummeled, say “What’s your corned beef, bro?” If the other guy’s Irish, hopefully he finds it funny. At the least, he’ll be laughing too much to hit you as hard while his buddies cheer him on, dancing to Dropkick Murphys.
An Open Letter to People Who Come to Class Sick
A St. Patrick’s tradition longer than awful food and religious riots.
In an upset, “because we’ve watched The Departed, like, 60 times bro” just misses the list.
It’s rude and you’re basically blowing your nose with our feelings.
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