The Black Sheep
FR EE .. af . lik ter e t yo he v u w om al it k d on ow yo n ur Br s oa hoe d! s
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 8 • 3/14/13 - 3/20/13
kiss me,
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I’m wearing an Irish t-shirt Lorenzo Simpson wrote this
When asked about what St. Patrick’s Day meant to him, a VCU student who shall remain anonymous said, “Pinches of greed, everybody is mean, so you better wear green or else you’ll end up like Charlie Sheen…” So to him, the holiday is about childish violence fueled by avarice, animosity, and wearing green, or else one will go on a drug-induced tirade that will result in a terrible television show on FX. As beautiful and genuine as that description was, there is a little bit more to the holiday than that. He forgot about the consumption of cabbage and four leaf clovers, and the drinking of Shamrock Shakes and beer. So what’s the real story behind St. Patrick’s Day, besides the fabled story of the Leprechaun Holocaust of 1437, when millions of little magic people were slaughtered because they refused to share their Lucky Charms? St. Patty’s Day is about the story of St. Patrick, an Irish priest that converted all of the pagans to Christianity, much like when Michael Jordan converted from Nikes to Air Jordan, but with more Jesus. If anyone knows the story at all, they will say it’s about how the jolly green bishop harnessed the power of foliage, using the three leaf clover to drive the snakes out of the country. But this story seems a bit off. Snakes and plants have been tight for ages; we wouldn’t have the saying “snake in the grass” if they weren’t. And it’s common knowledge that the only creatures that have been known to drop everything and scoot away at the sight of green leaves are kindergarteners, fat people, and everyone against the legalization of marijuana. So after minutes of arduous research on Wikipedia, it was revealed that there were actually no snakes in Ireland at the time of the supposed purge, or ever, for that matter. The snakes were actually a symbol of the evils of the land, and Pagans used to worship serpent symbols before they started reppin’ Jesus. One could say pagans and reptiles had a deep hisssssss-tory… anyone? Anyone? Anyway, St. Pat came through and baptized everyone, and all was right with the world. Natives from Ireland traveled far and wide and narrow and diagonally over the world, taking their religion, culture and potatoes with them. The way the actual holiday came to be embraced by various parts of the world is the same way Catholic children come to embrace Christianity: LOVE IT, OR I’LL PLANT
When Your Poop Turns Green: A St. Patrick’s Day Epilogue
THIS RULER UPSIDE YOUR HEAD! St. Patrick’s Day is meant to celebrate spiritual renewal and to pray for missionaries all over the globe. So on this day, when a Mormon or a Jehovah’s Witness comes to your door, don’t give him the usual treatment of a Falcon-punching in the Blarney stones and a slammed door in their face. Give him a big hug, shove a fistful of boiled cabbage into his hands, and send
what'’s inside
Reasons We’re All Irish on St. Patty’s Day
him on his merry way. St. Patrick’s Day is meant to be a break from Lenten restrictions of consuming alcohol, so have a good time. Get a swimming pool full of Bailey’s and dive in. Just try to avoid getting into a bar fight. If you think you might be about to get pummeled, say “What’s your corned beef, bro?” If the other guy’s Irish, hopefully he finds it funny. At the least, he’ll be laughing too much to hit you as hard while his buddies cheer him on, dancing to Dropkick Murphys.
An Open Letter to People Who Come to Class Sick
A St. Patrick’s tradition longer than awful food and religious riots.
In an upset, “because we’ve watched The Departed, like, 60 times bro” just misses the list.
It’s rude and you’re basically blowing your nose with our feelings.
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contents page 5: A St. Paddy’s Day in The Life of Green Beer
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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If you’ve ever been drunk enough to wonder what you’re beer is thinking…
page 6: Top Ten Richmond Celebrities Chris Brown fails to make the list, partly because he’s from Tapphannock, but also because he’s a dick.
page 7: from the streets What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth?
Table of
page 10: St. Patrick’s Day, The Movie Brought to you by the guys who made The Hangover and other sweet college partyin’ movies.
page 11: We Interview: Pandora’s Boxx This infamous drag queen reminds us that you can just kind of do anything you want to do.
page 12: bartender of the week Jackie from Roxy keeps it real and ridiculous.
page 14: play st. patty’s day bingo! Bonus points if you see a naked cop crying.
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When Your Poop Turns Green: A St. Patrick’s Day Epilogue tbs staff wrote this As always, you rocked the pants off St. Patrick’s Day. Not to mention the pants of of the horny leprechaun you picked up somewhere between barfing up a green, jizzum-like shot of some sort of alcohol and stealing a CATA bus stop sign. However, like any fervent and painful story of epic liver-damaging proportions, there’s always an aftermath, and, if it’s anything like the post-St. Patrick’s-Day-wrath served up by all those years before you were a super senior, a whole lotta shit will be involved in your St. Patty’s Day epilogue. While there’s presumably nothing wrong with letting out a solid fart next to your hook-up from the night before, this can become a most dangerous game. The possibility of sharting out a runny, emerald blumpkin presents itself with linearly increasing probability relative to the number of green beers consumed the night before. Everyone is well aware that if you don’t consume ten ounces of liquid green-gold for every time you see the words “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” adorned across some butterface’s breasts, you’re cursing the grave of St. Patrick himself. So, like the innovative conquistador you are, you sleuth your hungover self to the ass gasket before some snarky poo goblins waddle out your unprepared cornhole. Having successfully avoided the beginnings of an unintentional hot carl on the solid five lying to your left, you reach the toilet. Since your supple buttocks are already bare from the sloppy trip to pound town you took after that little charmer in your bed drunkenly asked you if you’d like to see her three leaf clover, you don’t have to factor in the ever-variable pant-dropping time. With the glory of a thousand demon penises up your archenemy’s nose, you experience a poo-phoria so sweet it can only be described as the assquake of the ages. You look down to see the longest, greenest chi-chi gong anyone has ever created. Pleased with yourself, you prepare to return to your sex cave as you feel another emerald storm a-brewin’ in your underbelly. All things considered, you decide to leave your agape anus hovering over the community pool. Without warning, a wild poop soup of mossy green stool projectiles out your bum hole with the fiery burn of the worst ass-piss known to mankind. As you examine what lies beneath you, you try to diagnose what variety of green-dyed Dub and liquor could have lead to this distinct breed of black-green that permeates your poo stew. Your heart runs wild with conflicting emotions, unsure of whether to be ashamed of the concoction you’ve avalanched out of your rectum, or to be proud that, as a result of binge drinking, you have finally produced the most naturally beautiful thing you will ever craft.
You’ve been in the bathroom for a solid half-hour now, and that St. Patty sex partner has long gone, but it’s all moot, as you can sense round three lurking. So, like a good American, you keep your butt cheeks affixed to an already traumatized toilet seat. As a result of rushing to the water closet faster than you can say “asparagus loaf,” you forgot your essential pooping partner: your iPhone. You feel even colder and more alone, as you’re unable to ask Siri important, existential questions including “Oh, God, when will it end?” and instead have to resort to reading the shampoo label you’ve nearly memorized. While pistachio colored diarrhea continues to surge through your body for the next few days, you realize it’s merely the darkest before the dawn. And while you may be entirely foggy on the details, you take your days worth of green dumps as a sign of St. Patty’s Day success. Savor the feeling, the whole process only gets worse with age.
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A St. Paddy’s Day in the Life of Green Beer tbs staff wrote this
God, it’s loud in here. Clock above the bar says… 10 a.m.? That can’t be right, this place is packed already. Calendar above the bar says Sunday, March 17th. That explains it. It seems as though I’ve just been expelled from the keg I’ve called home my entire life, and forced to relocate to this Solo cup that reads “Mark” and has a poorly drawn picture of a leprechaun sporting a large rainbow boner on it. So this is what I was made for, it all comes to this. How dignifying. Up I go, into the loving embrace of my new friend Mark, who proceeds to spill part of me down the front of his shirt, while yelling “YOLO, mothafuckas!” What have I done to deserve this? After another failed attempt at simple handeye coordination, Mark puts me down on a table and walks over to his frat bros to do some high-fiving and to say things like, “Dude I can’t believe we all ended up in the shower last night, that was so much fun; no homo.” I scan the crowd, hoping to be picked up by someone with a tenuous grasp of the English language, and preferably not wearing stunner shades and a lax pinnie that says “Come at me, bro.” I spot a sketchy-looking dude walk past me and drop something into the cup on my right. Close call. No roofies for me, thanks. Mark is back to get me and I start to splash around as I’m brought over to a couch with four girls on it, all jabbering about something. I can only make out bits and pieces of their conversation, such as, “lost my iPhone at Pinkberry” and “I’m not drunk, you betch.” The one with pigtails stands up and pinches Mark on the arm. Something about not wearing green. Um hello, does no one even notice my existence? It’s not every day Nasty Natty turns into a mean, green, love machine. Back to Mark. I can tell he’s attempting to flirt with Pigtails but clearly crashing harder than the kid in the corner who looks like he’s coming down from a bi-winning binge and quickly realizing he does not have tiger blood. I think I just heard Mark mention something about putting his grandma in a home. Is he actively trying to not get laid? It’s time to step in. I start
rocking myself back and forth as hard as I can until some of me spills out onto Pigtails. Jackpot. Mark takes my cue and starts apologizing as he wipes my contents off her shirt. Second base. You’re welcome. A while later, the conversation is really rolling. Mark hasn’t mentioned his grandma in at least 15 minutes and Pigtails keeps saying things like, “You are so totally right, the gym at Independence is like, such a far walk from the Towers.” I can see where this is going and sure enough, a few minutes later, they leave me on my table again and run off to someone else’s bedroom to give themselves something to regret tomorrow morning. I scan the crowd again and spot a kid in a green t-shirt that says, “Kush me, I’m Irish.” Going around and rescuing all of the fallen soldiers at this party probably seemed like a good idea three blunts ago, but I can tell he’s about to approach the table of cups filled with ugly-people aphrodisiac. Time to save Reefer Dude from Roofie Dude. With my 10-second window of time, I do the only thing I can; tip myself over. Reefer Dude somehow sees me start to fall and, with startlingly agile reflexes for someone who looks like he just dipped from a late-night bongo sesh with Matthew McConaughey and Snoop Dogg, he actually manages to catch me before I hit the ground. Close call. He returns me to my full, upright position and walks over to the fridge for some bacon-flavored potato chips and whipped cream. My hero. It’s 4 a.m. now and the party crowd dwindles until it’s down to the last five guys, sitting around in a circle, determined to surpass a level of fucked-up that any normal person would ever aspire to. These are the last true partiers. The chuggers. I feel myself being picked up by the one with the biggest beer belly. He’s wearing a black t-shirt that says, “College,” but no one pinched him today for not wearing green. Because this guy treats every day like St. Paddy’s Day. I realize it’s time to finally fulfill my destiny and I tip my hat to him as he throws me back in one big… GULP!
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Richmond Celebrities
Whether you’re a senior who knows all the stories, or a freshman with a lot to learn, there are certainly several people in Richmond that are well known among students. From crazy Pastor Ross to Erik Fox, these are our RVA favorites: 10.) Pastor Ross: Whether you love him or (most likely) hate him, we all know Pastor Ross. This fire and brimstone religious zealot was one of VCU’s most popular forms of free entertainment at VCU... Before we scared him off. 9.) Gwar and Lamb of God: These heavy metal superstars began banging their heads in Richmond… unfortunately. Next time they have a homecoming we’ll all welcome them with a warm “… so, anything else going on this weekend?” 8.) Cocoa the Poodle: Everyone who has been to Carytown has seen the cute pink, purple, and turquoise poodle with the creepy old man on a leash. You can even rent them! But they don’t strip, so don’t ask.
why we’re all Irish on St. Patty’s Day
7.) The Mighty Wurlitzer: With a name like The Mighty Wurlitzer, you would think we are talking about a character from The Expendables. But no, we are referring to the massive organ (Ed. note: Tee-hee) that we all have to experience before a movie at the Byrd Theatre. Mighty fun... right? 6.) Erik Fox: This VCU heartthrob known for the music/photography name Dope on Plastic, is one of VCU’s most popular students. Hopefully he doesn’t graduate and fade into nothingness like the rest of us… but he probably will. 5.) Rodney the Ram: He may be the long-lost and better-looking brother of The Black Sheep, but we love him nonetheless. Rodney has been a symbol of VCU for years, despite getting several makeovers – just be yourself Rodney!
ciara roman wrote this
Contrary to what you might have thought, we don’t celebrate March 17 year-after-year to honor one of the most important patron saints of Ireland. We celebrate it because everyone needs a good reason to be Irish for a day. Who doesn’t love a holiday where we can take some frustration out on a friend or receive a kiss, all under the guise of “being” Irish? And who doesn’t need a great excuse to get drunk on a Sunday? Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day for more reasons than just “I want to get sloppy drunk when it’s bright outside.” Frustrations are high! You’re out of elementary school so you’re a little more mature, right? But even in college, we take every chance we get to be immature. St. Patrick’s Day is that chance to hurt all of your frenemies in the name of keeping traditions. Spring break is over now and it’s back to reality: summer is so close, but you’ve still got to dredge through the remainder of school, and worse, finals. Lucky for you, you get to take that frustration out on anyone who dares step in your vicinity without a piece of green on. It won’t be easy though, because no one wants to have their skin clamped between your extra-large clammy hands. So instead of pinching, getting drunk and airing all your frustrations for everyone to hear might be the better route. Pageantry! There just aren’t many good drinking holidays between New Year’s Eve and Cinco de Mayo. Valentine’s Day drinking is for lonely people, Easter drinking just feels wrong, and we’re not sure April Fool’s drinking is a real thing, but maybe the joke’s on us. So, all we have to fill our daydrinking void is St. Patrick’s day. And oh, how it fills that void to perfection. Free kisses! We’ve all seen the buttons, bumper stickers, shirts, and doormats with the famous slogan “Kiss Me I’m Irish.” We all know that drunk girl who will do it just because you whisper it in her ear. Whether you’re Hispanic, Asian, or Native American, this is your day to see how many kisses you can get with this simple phrase. The Black Sheep advises that you don’t kiss anyone on the mouth or any other “open” areas on the body, and restrict your St. Patty’s kisses to the cheek. Diseases are real, people, and mono is no joke. Excuses to drink! The most important reason we’re all Irish on St. Patty’s Day is because we ALL need a good reason to drink. Do you know the Irish? They celebrate everything with a song and a drink. They’re the hobbits of real people. If you can’t beat em, or if you don’t want to beat them, then join them. This is the day to experiment with Irish alcohol you would never try on a regular day. Visit an Irish pub because everyone will be Irish on this day, and revel in the Irish in the spirit. Sing a song and have a beer or two, or nine. To celebrate St. Patty’s Day without either, just wouldn’t be the Irish thing to do.
4.) Brian McDaniel: Associated with the popular Richmond thrift shop Rumors and founder of the viral Tumblr page Dirty Richmond, this typical Richmonder has managed to summarize the RVA fashion culture through the lens of his camera. 3.) Audio Ammo / Long Jawns: You know, those DJ’s who drain our brains? Anyone with a social life has been to one of their dance parties, and to all those nights we did something regrettable, we owe front-runner Long Jawns and his fellow DJs the honor. Long Jawns has “expressed himself” with Diplo, collaborating on his popular EP and will assuredly make it far in the electronic genre. 2.) Shaka Smart: This man brought VCU’s basketball team to new heights, and has become the face of our university. Well... many ridiculous faces of the university. 1.) YOU!: Yes, you’re probably suffering hangover-shits while reading this in your filthy bathroom, but YOU’RE IN COLLEGE! This is the time where you sink or swim; party hard or sober up; aspire for a Nobel Prize, or a Woodie. Whatever happens, you have an opportunity, so do something with it!
tyler harvey wrote this
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's the weirdest thing you've had in your mouth? “A battery.” - Brady R.
“A pacifier.” - Micki M.
“A footlong.” - Glenn J.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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An Open Letter to People who come to Class Sick Olivia Walthall wrote this Dear Walking Pools of Disease, As you sneeze and cough and wheeze into your tissues while popping cough drops in your mouth every two minutes, please know that there is a collective anger building from deep within the bellies of your classmates. The longer you attempt to be a “good student” by staying in class as long as you can, everyone else in the room is thinking: “Why the shit is that stupid sick person here, and how can we get them to leave?” Although, dearest ill human being, you are technically doing the right thing by making the most of the $5k your parents spent to put you here, you’re still in the wrong by most of the world. Yeah, we know, lots of people will say “Aw, you’re sick?! I’m so sorry!” But they really mean “How dare this dumb bitch come here and infect us all!” Indeed, everyone in the room feels that same sentiment while you’re poisoning our air for fifty to seventy-five minutes. Every time you sneeze, we can all feel your germs. If you’re really ill, we can see them. Please leave and don’t come back without one of those creepy swine flu masks. Now, now – we don’t mean to be so harsh. We kind of understand and maybe (that’s a big maybe) we’ll forgive you if you’re sick and miserable in a class that counts attendance. However, if you’re sitting in a lecture class or a class with over 130 people then WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? LEAVE! Give up the “good student” act and go home. Take you sick ass to bed. We would like to clarify here that we’re not trying to encourage you to skip class. To make your illness evaluation a little easier, The Black Sheep has created a set of guidelines that will help you decide whether you’re actually sick or if you just have Sick Apathy.
Signs and symptoms of Sick Apathy: - When experiencing Sick Apathy, one will have a strange urge to tell everyone, “Oh, just feeling kind of sick today.” - Upon discovery of a tickle in the throat, a “sufferer” of Sick Apathy will run to Rite Aid and buy all of the amenities: NyQuil, cough drops, sinus relief meds, tissues, etc. - In the middle of a bout of Sick Apathy, one will find oneself making an immense amount of soup and complaining about how terrible being sick is. - The next signs of Sick Apathy consist of the sufferer telling all of his friends he’s ill. His friends will not believe him, as he won’t shut up about it. - The final signs of Sick Apathy consist of very light, infrequent, baby coughs and attempting to change one’s voice to make it seem as though one’s sick. Signs and symptoms that you need to take yourself home: - Someone who is actually sick will find themselves coughing to clear their throats and not being able to stop coughing thereafter. - Upon true illness, one will find themselves putting off getting medicine because they feel so terribly that they would rather have die in a fiery blaze of certain Hell than go outside. - A truly sick person will lose their voice, but will still make an effort to try to talk. - True illness hits its peak when one finds himself using over four tissues in a thirty-minute period. - Disappearance of one’s appetite is another wonderful indication of true illness. Soup will help, but sadly, it won’t help that much – especially when it comes back up. - Someone who is truly ill is told several times during a class period to just GO HOME. Trust us, we can tell when you’re faking.
If you’re feeling ill in the near future, we hope you use this as guide to gauge your symptoms and make an informed decision on whether to feign or declare, and surrender to your illness. And you, stop sniffling and take your ass to bed.
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S t. p A T R I C K' S D A Y Brought To You By The Guys Who Made The Hangover And Other Sweet College Partyin’ Movies In case you didn’t know, The Black Sheep dabbles in more than just print and porn. A few weeks back we had the opportunity to meet with a bigwig executive at a movie makin’ company. “This is our big shot,” we thought. We couldn’t blow it; we had to come up with an idea that no one could turn down. And what’s one movie that seems impossible to kill off? Star-studded ensemble holiday movies, of course! So we marched into that executive’s office ready to pitch The Black Sheep Presents: Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day The Movie. Since this idea was so golden, so perfect, so mouth-wateringly fresh, we brought a taperecorder so that we could send our pitch to other movie companies… just in case this guy was actually stupid enough to pass on the idea. The Black Sheep: Hi Mr. [redacted] nice to meet you! Are you ready to hear our pitch? Executive: I suppose, but let’s make it snappy. I’m eating sushi off of a naked woman in 20 minutes. The Black Sheep: No problemo! Okay, the scene opens on a lush green field on a quiet morning in southern Ireland – yes, Ireland. Then, out of nowhere, a stout little leprechaun -- played by Adam Sandler or Tracy Morgan, because, as an offensive racial stereotype would say, “a leprechaun ain’t black!?” -- runs across the screen with a HUGE bong in his hand. He turns back and yells “You’ll never get me POT of gold!” He’s being chased, but by whom? Drunk guys clad in St. Patrick’s Day gear – Sean William Scott and Ryan Reynolds. Then, freeze frame on Sean and Ryan diving after the leprechaun, (maybe they miss, and accidentally pull down a girl’s shirt instead, and there’s like, these huge tits on this huge screen, except the nipples are green, like St. Patrick’s Day! It doesn’t matter where the girl came from, we’ll figure that out in production. Titles SMASH into the screen, “Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day, The Movie.” Executive: Okay, I like boobs on the opening scene – always an eyecatcher. Make them golden boobs, for St. Patrick’s Day. Otherwise, I don’t see where this is going, and my naked sushi is waiting. TBS: (flipping through pages and pages of loose paper) Okay, okay… Here! So basically, Ryan O’Toole (Ryan Reynolds) and Brady McDuff (Sean William Scott) are looking for the perfect solution to day drinking without falling asleep. In their search they run into a crazy German coke dealer (Kevin James), an uppity high school Adderall dealer (Andy Milonakis), a Scottish butcher obsessed with
“meaty bits,” that is, if we can get Mike Meyers, who tells them they must travel to Ireland – the land of drinking to find the “Irish Trifecta, the three-leaf clover of drinking.”
TBS: Also, his helicopter will be blasting, “Party All the Time,” like that scene in Apocalypse Now. That’s like, double nostalgia.
Executive: Okay, this is starting to get better, but what’s going to make it stand out from all the other comedy romps out there?
Executive: I GET IT! Uh, okay, wait. When did they find out where the rainbow weed was?
TBS: Well, Ryan and Brady finally find a secret book that spells out the Irish Trifecta – green beer, gold boobs (we winked at the executive upon saying this), and a very special strain of weed found on a marijuana farm that photosynthesizes from refracted light. “A rainbow!” say Brady and Ryan to each other, looking up from the ancient book.
TBS: …They just know… because… Ryan had a dream where he saw Vanilla Ice dressed as a leprechaun show him the field, so he like, knows what it looks like.
Executive: Amazing. TBS: (our voices gathering excitement) So Brady and Ryan have their work cut out for them. The conflict: Where do they find these three things? Well green beer is everywhere, and they start hilariously drinking too much of it – we’re thinking a montage of these two getting super hammered and dancing around Ireland, pulling down girls’ shirts to see if they have “golden boobs” – who wouldn’t watch that? It’s gold. So after that 20-minute montage, we’re thinking they finally realize “boobs” didn’t mean “breasts,” but rather the archaic English meaning of “dolts.” Sean and Ryan look at each other – half naked, covered in Goldschläger sitting in a pool of green beer in Colin Farrell’s Irish castle with 21 bareboobed women – “That’s us!” they say. It’s a revelation! Colin Farrell looks up from a line of coke, “DUH DOY!!!!!” he says! Executive: Ok, I’m putting through word to get this into production right now. Do we have a screenplay? Actually never mind that, we’ve still got the broomstick that fell on a keyboard and wrote Hangover III on retainer from BroBible.com. But, how does it end!? TBS: Okay, so Brady and Ryan now have two parts of the Irish Trifecta – all they need is the pot at the end of the rainbow, but they can only get there via helicopter. Whose helicopter? EDDIE MURPHY’S! He’ll be playing a black Irish millionaire who loves to PARTY! Again, remember, Irishland doesn’t have a whole lot of black people, so him doing that accent will be really funny. Executive: Eddie Murphy’s awful expensive, boys.
Executive: … Works for me! TBS: Okay, so they get in Eddie Murphy’s helicopter and find the rainbow weed, but unfortunately Adam Sandler/Tracy Morgan leprechaun is guarding it. But we know you’re short on time Mr. [redacted], so we’ll get to the end, just to prove we definitely haven’t not thought out the ending. This is where the chase from the beginning happens, and they chase the leprechaun into his layer. And what do they find there? Women, with golden boobs! “There really are golden boobs!” they say! And after talking to the leprechaun (who will say hilarious things like “Kiss me I’m stoned!” and “I’m higher than Tommy Pickles’ dad!” 90’s nostalgia is so “win” with kids these days!) they realize he can’t visit big Irish cities because he’ll get caught and sold as a leprechaun slave like his ancestors. Therefore, he’s been unable to obtain green beer and instead guards the two other constituents of the Irish Trifecta, waiting for the right two people to bring him green beer. But Ryan, Brady, and Eddie don’t have any green beer on them! So the four of them all get super stoned on rainbow weed – cue hilarious stoner montage – when they come up with a great idea: put the sad, dejected leprechaun on stilts and treat him like a human! They head to the nearest city, Dublin, and fuse the Irish Trifecta. A sick golden three-leaf clover rises above the bar and everyone goes crazy, but the leprechaun falls off his stilts… silence, shock, awe (are people going to capture him?)… no! Everyone keeps partying, treating him as an equal, not a novelty. So he buries his face in some golden boobs, and declares that everyone shall day drink without repercussions for all St. Patty’s Days to come! Executive: The end! I love it! and just got word that the broomstick has the first draft done already!
we interview:
Pandora's boxx
We had the opportunity to interview Pandora Boxx (of drag queen lore, not Greek mythology). You probably know her from multiple appearances on Ru Paul’s Drag Race, but she’s involved in a plethora of other projects. Check out PandoraBoxx.com for a peek into her bo… okay that’s enough. By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’re a comedian, entertainer, musician – a Swiss army knife, basically – when did you start being an entertainer, and did drag go hand in hand with that? Pandora Boxx: I think that since I was a kid I’ve always been an actor… but I didn’t really know you could do drag, so when I got older and tried it I thought “oh wow this is actually really fun, and you can kind of just do anything you wanted to do.” And that’s basically how I got started, I never thought of doing it as a career until much later. TBS: So did you treat it as a career while in college, or afterwards? PB: I had been interested in doing that all my life but never on stage. I’m always cracking jokes and telling funny stories, so I was kind of doing it, but not actually calling it stand up. I also hosted drag shows, which are a lot like standup because you have to talk to the audience and interact. But I guess I didn’t realize that was what I was actually doing until I went into stand up comedy. TBS: How did you come to the name Pandora Boxx, besides the ol’ double entendre? PB: When I started I knew I had to pick a name, and I wanted to pick something fun and punny. I was in Greek mythology at the time, and I liked the story of Pandora and thought with a name like that you wouldn’t know what to expect. TBS: You’ve got The Gay (means happy) Show! and two pretty crazy music videos with chart-topping songs. What makes you want to keep branching into new things? PB: Since I was a kid I’ve always wanted to do music – you know, lip synching to Madonna songs in my room. And then I met some people through Drag Race and it started to become a reality. I just wanted to make fun music, because there really aren’t any comedy dance songs. But then you actually [make music videos] and you realize how much work goes into making everything – there’s a lot of money and a lot of time, it’s just this crazy process and I have a new found respect for any artist that does any kind of music or album. TBS: The lack of comedic dance music is definitely a good point. Was your “Nice Car, Sorry About Your Penis,” a bit before it was a song? PB: Actually it wasn’t… I met this girl Shango who did the backup vocals on the song in San Francisco. We started talking about the song idea, that I wanted something Ke$ha-sounding because I think her style would fit mine -- I’m certainly no amazing singer, and I should stick to my realm. So she came back with the song, and we went back and forth in the writing process. I just thought it was funny, and I’ve never heard a song about that, even though it’s a common thing that people talk about. TBS: And then you have the Huffington Post blog -- do you treat it as a personal blog or a platform for a voice for LGBT? PB: Well, I haven’t really been amazing with my Huffington Post blog, because I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with it. Like, I don’t want it to just be a personal blog, I want it to mean a little more. So I’ve been using it more as a personal story, because I realized on Drag Race when I talked about myself and how I was depressed as a kid and tried to commit suicide, I realized how many people that affected and how many people still talk about it… so hopefully by saying that it can change someone’s life who might also be going through that.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
Girls Sunday, March 17th at 9pm on HBO
Just when you were really starting to understand the intricacies of Hannah's barely-decipherable mind, Season 2 of Girls is coming to an end. In the season finale, Hannah (Lena Dunham) must write her voice-of-a-generation book in a single day, Marnie (Allison Williams) totally misinterprets her ex-boyfriends intentions (just get naked already), and Ray makes a move to impress quirky Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet). Don't worry, season 3 is already in the works.
Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience out march 19th
TBS: What other projects are you working on now? PB: I’m kind of at a point where I’m trying to figure out what the next thing to do is. Like do I work on another song or anything else. And one thing I’ve learned from Drag Race and being an entertainer full time, is that there’s a lot of stuff that starts but never finishes – because that’s just the nature of the business with working with people and their schedules. But I do have a short film called Ex-Confident that’s coming out, and I’m not sure if what all the screenings will be for it, but we’re going through the film festival process and seeing if they’ll pick it up. And I’m doing a new web-series for Logotv.com called Drag Center, where I recap the episodes of Drag Race. TBS: And finally, what’s your perfect sandwich? PB: Hmm, food sandwich or sexual sandwich? I’ll say sexual sandwich.
After nearly seven years and a few legit acting gigs, Justin Timberlake is back with his third solo album, featuring the so-so single "Suit & Tie." Timberlake said he began working on the album with "no rules or end goal in mind," which sounds like a pretty sweet way to make a record. Try to check him out on tour with Jay-Z this summer, because who ever would've thought a former Mickey Mouse Club member and drug dealer would share a stage.
admission in theaters march 22nd
Tina Fey and Paul Rudd star in this rom-com about Portia Nathan (Fey), a Princeton admissions officer who makes a recruiting visit to an alternative high school overseen by her former college buddy John Pressman (Paul Rudd). Upon visiting the school, Pressman suggests that one of his wacky, gifted students is her son that she gave up via a secret adoption many years ago. Will this deep, dark, quirky secret drive them together? Only time will tell. (Also, yes it will.)
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week jackie l. roxy Age: 23 Ever met anyone famous: George Foreman How long have you been bartending: 8 months Favorite Drink Recipe: Cherry limeade: cherry rum, lime juice, grenadine, soda water
If you could hook up with a celebrity who would it be: James Franco Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: In one week both of our bathroom sinks got ripped out of the walls.
Favorite Shot: Fireball Have you invented any drink recipes yourself: The Ian Hamilton C Game Shooter: gin, grapefruit juice, PBR
What’s your biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: When I’m really busy and people want to just talk or tell me a long story.
Karaoke song: “Spice Up Your Life” – Spice Girls Life Motto: “Keepin’ it real and ridiculous.” Favorite phrase: “Good god girl, get it together.” Guilty pleasure: Reddit
the drinking game: table horse
Sports are just an excuse to get hammered; you drink before the game and get plowed after to celebrate a win or ease the pain of a loss. March Madness is no different, but instead of just throwing back a few brews, practice your ball handling skills while getting a great pregame buzz.
What’s the best way to get your attention on a crowded night: Raise your hand. Craziest thing you’ve seen someone do for a free drink: Take a Jersey Turnpike, aka all the nasty stuff in the bar mats at the end of the night.
recipe for disaster: swoll shake
There’s nothing meatheads love more than a protein shake before, during, and after their workouts. It’s important to stick to a strict protein regimen if you need large muscles to compensate for your below-average dick and brain. This Swoll Shake will take care of that for you, so you have more time to focus on your squat form.
What You’ll Need: A plastic cup, a table, a ping pong ball and beer. Number of Players: Between 2 and 4. Level of Intoxication: A legit pregame buzz unless you have no game, then you’ll be wasted.
What You’ll Need: An 8 oz. steak, 4 oz. of salmon, 2 oz. of tuna, 4 oz. of turkey, 4 eggs, 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, ice, half a gallon of milk, 1 cup of peanut butter and a kick-ass blender. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: No fat, bro. Just muscle.
How To Play: - Set the cup in the middle of the table. - Have a shoot-out to pick the order. - The winner of the shoot-out starts the game by shooting into the cup any way he or she wants. - Be creative with your shots—bounce them in, shoot them behind the back. If the first player misses their shot, they have to take a drink of their beer. - Once a player makes the cup, each player will have to match their shot. - Every player that misses while trying to mimic the shot receives a letter (H-O-RS-E) and will have to chug for ten seconds. - After everyone tries to mimic the shot, the person next in line creates their own shot and play continues. The player that gets HORSE first has to beer bong a beer.
Let’s Get Baked: - Chop up the steak, salmon and turkey into little pieces. - Cook each item separately to the desired level of doneness. - Beat the four eggs and cook them in a pan. - Mix all of the ingredients and then throw them in the blender with the ice. - Blend the items up until the drink is smooth. If the mixture is too thick add extra milk. - Pour you Swoll Shake into your favorite workout bottle and hit the gym.
The Game Ends When: Once a player gets HORSE. Then start it up again!
Don’t be turned off by the smell… or the taste for that matter. Just man up and drink it down.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
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Y B D E T N E E G S N U E O R P AL B L E S D HEEP AN
S K C A L B THE
Y D E M O C F O d r T H A NIGRDAY, MARCH 23 SATU
T H G I N A R O F S U N I O J TS I K S Y D E OF COM 'S U C V Y B ED ! PERFORM E F I L K E RE G N W O Y VER
R THE O F D E D R E AWA B L L I W S G GIFT N I PRIZE D U L C N I TINE, RANTS U BEST ROU A T S E R L R LOCA O F S D R , AND A S C R E N G I S ION DE AND FASH EAR! G P E E H S BLACK
K N I R D O T + 1 2 , D N E T T A O T S S E 18+ R P M I O T DRESS Also featuring a fashion showcase for Image1 presented by R.A.I.N
play st. patty's day bingo! Nudity
Green Beer
Someone Crying
A Paddy Wagon
Drunk Old Man
Someone Asleep
Striped Socks
A Cop
A Beer bong
Greenman
Green Eggs or ham
A Fight
Leprechaun Hat
A Wipeout
Dropkick Murphys Shirt
This Sign
A Makeout
Outdoor Peeing
A Bags Game
Puke
A Drinking ticket
A Drunk asian
Marijuana paraphernalia
Indoor Sunglasses
the crossword: Things that are green Across 2) St. Patty’s Day mascot. 5) Spanish for green (salsa). 6) Snooki loves to drink its juice. 8) The winner of this gets a green jacket. 9) No matter how many times you cut it, it always grows back. 12) An edible, mini tree. 14) Guacamole, essentially. 17) Normally paired with spinach and pita bread. 19) A minty McDonald’s shake. 20) Jim Henson’s
most famous creation. Down 1) Mad Christmas H8R. 2) She put this in the coconut, and drank them both up. 3) Not to be confused with a crocodile. 4) Ganja, baby. 7) The capital city in the Land of Oz. 10) Luke’s teacher, he was. 11) He can blow a bubble with his bum bum bum. 13) Prickly son of a bitch. 15) They are black, too. 16) Delicious when drizzled with ranch. 18) This city dyes their river green.
Meet The Staff campus manager Hayley Evans
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pr/Marketing team Lorenzo Simpson, Rebecca Britt Jasmine Kent, Deanna Celmer Kenneth Jordan, Morgan Carey Kelsey Grupp, Meredith Frick
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campus director Quinn Myers
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owner Atish Doshi Founders Sarah A., Lenton A., Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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