The Black Sheep
FR E VM E... FA lik th e th at e yo be u h au ave tifu la never nd beescen ic n to .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 4, Issue 9 • 3/21/13 - 3/27/13
Shaka Smart isn’t leaving (is he?) g-unit wrote this
With the NCAA Tournament rapidly approaching, there are many winners and losers in college basketball. VCU, of course, is a winner, a winner of a five-seed, and round-one game against the zips of Akron. However, as much as VCU is beloved in our hearts, and as big as they are in terms of enrollment and actual size, VCU is not a big player in college athletics. We play in the best mid-major conference in the country¸ but we are still a small pond, and Shaka Smart is a big fish. With any number of “legit” schools looking to replace their head coach, it is possible that our days with our beloved Shaka are numbered. Not that he would ever, ever dare leave us, but if he thought about maybe jumping ship to a bigger conference, here are some of his potential landing spots and WHY HE SHOULD NEVER EVER GO THERE. EVER. UCLA: Yeah, they won their conference but their current coach Ben Howland kind of sucks. He’s got a decent record and is good at recruiting, but anyone with a pulse can recruit in LA. They may be looking to upgrade to a deluxe model. They’re still a big time basketball school and they’re one of the sport’s historic powers, so it’s a dream job for a lot of guys. Why they’re a bad fit: They won’t love you like we love you, Shaka. Almost 40 years after they let go of John Wooden they’re still not over him. Much like a chubby girl who somehow landed a star point guard, you’re the best and only thing we’ve ever known. You can talk to other universities and we won’t mind. We know your heart is with us. Northwestern: They actually fired their head coach, so they’re looking over lots of guys. They’ll want someone fresh and young and innovative, and that’s pretty much Shaka to a T. They also play in the best basketball conference in the country (Big Ten) in close proximity to one of the biggest basketball cities in the world (Chicago). They’re a sleeping giant and that shade of purple they wear is faaaaabulous. Why they’re a bad fit: Imagine a majestic lion, roaming the Sahara, stalking antelopes or whatever. It’s powerful, hungry. It takes what it wants. This lion is an imposing creature, and its domain is all that it sees. This lion and the alumni of Northwestern are alike in one very significant, important way: neither of them gives a fuck about basketball. Wake Forest: Another university with the coach on the hot seat, the Demon Deacons have a proud history of basketball and a winning tradition, until recently. They also have a pretty cool name. They’re located in North Carolina, so Shaka could use his existing recruiting connections to scoop up Virginia recruits along with the
The Bi-Annual Hunger Rams
talent in North Carolina. Why they’re a bad fit: In a conference where they’re maybe the eighth fiddle—not to mention in a state where they’re fourth to UNC, Duke, and NC State. Shaka would get eaten alive. The ACC was also on the verge of collapse, so it’s not like he would be going to a much better situation. They also use black and gold, which is clearly inferior to black and yellow. Minnesota: Minnesota started out strong this year before hitting the Big Ten part of their schedule. Then they shit the bed. It would be a strong roster in a strong conference, and Shaka would have first dibs of the surprisingly strong Minnesota recruiting scene. Why they’re a bad fit: With respect to our fellow The Black Sheep publication based in lovely Minneapolis, have you ever been to Minnesota? The winter sucks because it’s somehow colder than science says should be possible, the summer sucks because it’s hot and humid, the entire state is passive-aggressive, the sports
what'’s inside
Graduate VCU in Five Years!
Winning means a decent class schedule. Losing means death.
Because college is way too awesome to finish in eight semesters.
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are all worse versions of stuff you find in Wisconsin, and the only interesting famous person that they’ve ever produced is Prince. Yeah, Prince is a pretty strong point in your favor, Minnesota, but it’s Prince versus all of that other shit. So, there are a lot of places that Shaka could go, but why would he? At VCU, he is beloved (we’re pretty sure he could stab a man in daylight and no one would say a word to him), he is never ever going to get fired, he’s on inspiring posters that make us want to read, and his family is already situated here. So, Shaka, if you’re reading this, please please please never leave us. Those other schools are just no good for you, and we promise that we will love you forever. And if you leave us we will find you and make you wish you had never met us. Do you know what happened to the last guy that left us after a few good seasons? He’s somewhere in Alabama where no one will ever see him: at the basketball games.
Fear and Loathing in Olive Garden
We can’t stop here. This is breadstick country.
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