The Black Sheep
FR E VM E... FA lik th e th at e yo be u h au ave tifu la never nd beescen ic n to .
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Volume 4, Issue 9 • 3/21/13 - 3/27/13
Shaka Smart isn’t leaving (is he?) g-unit wrote this
With the NCAA Tournament rapidly approaching, there are many winners and losers in college basketball. VCU, of course, is a winner, a winner of a five-seed, and round-one game against the zips of Akron. However, as much as VCU is beloved in our hearts, and as big as they are in terms of enrollment and actual size, VCU is not a big player in college athletics. We play in the best mid-major conference in the country¸ but we are still a small pond, and Shaka Smart is a big fish. With any number of “legit” schools looking to replace their head coach, it is possible that our days with our beloved Shaka are numbered. Not that he would ever, ever dare leave us, but if he thought about maybe jumping ship to a bigger conference, here are some of his potential landing spots and WHY HE SHOULD NEVER EVER GO THERE. EVER. UCLA: Yeah, they won their conference but their current coach Ben Howland kind of sucks. He’s got a decent record and is good at recruiting, but anyone with a pulse can recruit in LA. They may be looking to upgrade to a deluxe model. They’re still a big time basketball school and they’re one of the sport’s historic powers, so it’s a dream job for a lot of guys. Why they’re a bad fit: They won’t love you like we love you, Shaka. Almost 40 years after they let go of John Wooden they’re still not over him. Much like a chubby girl who somehow landed a star point guard, you’re the best and only thing we’ve ever known. You can talk to other universities and we won’t mind. We know your heart is with us. Northwestern: They actually fired their head coach, so they’re looking over lots of guys. They’ll want someone fresh and young and innovative, and that’s pretty much Shaka to a T. They also play in the best basketball conference in the country (Big Ten) in close proximity to one of the biggest basketball cities in the world (Chicago). They’re a sleeping giant and that shade of purple they wear is faaaaabulous. Why they’re a bad fit: Imagine a majestic lion, roaming the Sahara, stalking antelopes or whatever. It’s powerful, hungry. It takes what it wants. This lion is an imposing creature, and its domain is all that it sees. This lion and the alumni of Northwestern are alike in one very significant, important way: neither of them gives a fuck about basketball. Wake Forest: Another university with the coach on the hot seat, the Demon Deacons have a proud history of basketball and a winning tradition, until recently. They also have a pretty cool name. They’re located in North Carolina, so Shaka could use his existing recruiting connections to scoop up Virginia recruits along with the
The Bi-Annual Hunger Rams
talent in North Carolina. Why they’re a bad fit: In a conference where they’re maybe the eighth fiddle—not to mention in a state where they’re fourth to UNC, Duke, and NC State. Shaka would get eaten alive. The ACC was also on the verge of collapse, so it’s not like he would be going to a much better situation. They also use black and gold, which is clearly inferior to black and yellow. Minnesota: Minnesota started out strong this year before hitting the Big Ten part of their schedule. Then they shit the bed. It would be a strong roster in a strong conference, and Shaka would have first dibs of the surprisingly strong Minnesota recruiting scene. Why they’re a bad fit: With respect to our fellow The Black Sheep publication based in lovely Minneapolis, have you ever been to Minnesota? The winter sucks because it’s somehow colder than science says should be possible, the summer sucks because it’s hot and humid, the entire state is passive-aggressive, the sports
what'’s inside
Graduate VCU in Five Years!
Winning means a decent class schedule. Losing means death.
Because college is way too awesome to finish in eight semesters.
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are all worse versions of stuff you find in Wisconsin, and the only interesting famous person that they’ve ever produced is Prince. Yeah, Prince is a pretty strong point in your favor, Minnesota, but it’s Prince versus all of that other shit. So, there are a lot of places that Shaka could go, but why would he? At VCU, he is beloved (we’re pretty sure he could stab a man in daylight and no one would say a word to him), he is never ever going to get fired, he’s on inspiring posters that make us want to read, and his family is already situated here. So, Shaka, if you’re reading this, please please please never leave us. Those other schools are just no good for you, and we promise that we will love you forever. And if you leave us we will find you and make you wish you had never met us. Do you know what happened to the last guy that left us after a few good seasons? He’s somewhere in Alabama where no one will ever see him: at the basketball games.
Fear and Loathing in Olive Garden
We can’t stop here. This is breadstick country.
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contents page 5: Chlamydia Attacks PCB Leaving Hundreds of VCU Students Itchy, Uncomfortable
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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Alcohol, Hangover, Chlamydia‌who are these people, and why do they insist on ruining Spring Break for us?
page 6: Top 10: Game of Thrones Characters to Drink With Surprisingly, the guy who owns a whorehouse is not at the top of the list.
page 7: from the streets
Table of
What’s your guilty pleasure?
page 10: NCAA Bracket Selection Bracket Oh, your bracket is already screwed? What a surprise!
page 11: We Interview: Caspian Our chat with these post-rock Massachusetts men, who just released their fourth album.
page 12: bartender of the week Angie from Legend Brewery wants to make you her secret recipe, the Asian Snowcone.
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word of the week Anacomical:
Any use of one’s body part for humorous effect. “When Dave lit a fart that started Ryan’s hair on fire, it was anacomical to the second degree, as were Ryan’s burns.”
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the bi-annual hunger rams lorenzo simpson wrote this In the college experience, there is one dreaded task that will be the deciding factor of your future. A task so visceral, so harrowing, that it will test your very soul. That task: class registration. There will never be a more stressful, white knuckled, indigestion-inducing event in your life than being chained to a desk, staring blank-eyed at an eServices screen, hoping and praying that your desired class is not full nor does it meet for three hours at 7 p.m. In this short period of time, friends become enemies, lovers become fighters, and washcloths become diapers. Everyone is grabbing at the chance to land a chill religion class they can skip half the time, or a creative writing class in which they can barf up suppressed childhood memories. No, during registration your only ally is the F5 key, or whatever Mac people use to refresh. The pounding of the key is the drumbeat of life, renewal and death of hope in a flash. But what if classes were chosen a different way? Presenting the first ever VCU Hunger Games! Thousands of students will be put to the test, facing perilous events, finding their way through the raw brutality of the wilderness, and enduring a movie reference that has been lampooned so much since its emergence, the writer of this article should be thrown into Gitmo for such a heinous cliché. Each student willing to participate will be placed in random parts of Richmond, from downtown to the James River. Each contestant will be given a bag full of supplies: a $10 gift card to either Sweet Frog or Bobalicious which actually only has $3.75 on it, a nail file, an 8oz bottle of non-vegan diet water that someone opened and took a few sips out of, a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights, a pocket butter knife that doesn’t lock in place, and the last PBR in a six pack, with two of the plastic rings being filled with dead pigeons. However, the honor students who always get to register first, will be supplied with a four-function calculator, a Coke and a smile (sticker). One of the main objects of the Games will be to make it to the Compass, where there will be several gifts waiting, including extra dining dollars, free housing, and a Get Out of Lecture Hall Free Card. Completing challenges will also earn you RamBucks. Events include holding a 10 minute conversation with the judgemental priest, asking a professor whose class you’re failing to write you a recommendation, or eating six Shafer burgers and not using the restroom for five hours. Now, the original goal of the Hunger Games was to kill everyone so that there is only one person left standing. But since dead students are bad for business (and, frankly, smell horrible), each student will be equipped with either tranquilizer blow darts, (more) chloroform rags or tas-
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ers. The last thirty conscious students will be awarded the greatest college gift of all (except for discontinuing dry dorms.) You will receive priority in class selection. You will also be able to interview all of the professors for each class to see who will be the best fit for you. As for the rest of the students, pray to whoever you pray to that you come to in time to register; it’s back to the same old, same old. Now we know registration isn’t for another couple of weeks, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start prepping; one arm pushups, judo lessons, practicing control of your gag reflex, etc. Oh, and for the cupcakes who can’t stand the sight of a few gallons of blood, just go ahead and transfer to ODU. Be swift, be strong... hell, be ratchet. Just think how happy you’ll be when you’re sitting in the middle section of a class where the tests are all online essays, and the teacher loves talking about pop culture and drops the F-Bomb more than Dick Cheney. So Happy Hunger Games, and may the odds... well, you know.
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Chlamydia Attacks PCB Leaving Hundreds of VCU Students Itchy, Uncomfortable tbs staff wrote this Police in Panama City Beach, Florida, have confirmed an attack on the large group of students there for spring break by the infamous criminal Chlamydia. Little is known about the so-called “burning bandit,” other than he prefers to strike where masses of horny coeds have gathered. Official reports put the number of VCU students affected by the attacks in the hundreds, as Panama City Beach is a prime spring break locale for many students. Officer Stuart Pinkman, a PCB police officer, spoke with The Black Sheep via telephone. “Every spring it’s the same story. We try to prepare for this guy, but it’s like we can never catch him, although everyone else seems to. We’re not sure why he targets places where undergrads are drunk and away from home, it just seems to be a part of his M.O.” Officer Pinkman continued, “Luckily, Chlamydia seems to be an in-and-out perp. He comes in, strikes a couple hundred people, and is gone a week or two later. It’s insane. It’s like he gives them just enough time to regret last week’s decisions, then he disappears. We want to assure the public that we’re doing everything we can to catch him.” Stacy, a freshman at VCU who wished to be identified by a pseudonym, recounts her harrowing experience during the attack. “We were just drinking a lot ya’ know. Like, tons. I got a really badass fake so I could get into all the good bars. Guys were just throwing drinks at me, it was so cray, I don’t really remember what happened the whole time we were there, but it was such an
AWESOME trip. Then, I get back to class this week and my whole downstairs situation is acting up. I was like WTF.” Stacy continued, “Apparently I had been attacked by that asshole Chlamydia and had no idea. I don’t understand how he got me, I was blacked out the whole time I was in PCB and only slept with, like, eight guys, I think.” Jonathan, an VCU student also going by a pseudonym for this story, related an attack by Chlamydia, and also suspected accomplices. “The night started pretty tame. I was having a few drinks to get my confidence up to dance with a girl who was about a 7. You don’t want to start too high, that’s a quick way to crash and burn. Anyway, I start dancing with her and talking and we hit it off. Next thing I knew, I had Alcohol whispering in my ear to take her outside to my buddy’s car. ‘He won’t mind,’ he said. ‘He’s a total bro; you’d do it for him!’” Jonathan continued, “So me and this chick had a really romantic first date in the back of his Honda Accord. Everything was great, but apparently somewhere in those passionate five minutes, Chlamydia struck. Now, today, it hurts to pee and I can’t even have the lights on in my room because of that bastard Hangover. My life is irreparably changed for the next 48 hours, when these drugs run their course.” PCB Police are investigating Alcohol and the notorious Hangover as accomplices to Chlamydia in his weeklong crime spree. Officer
Pinkman commented, “It seems that Alcohol likes to set up the attack from Chlamydia. Most of these students are unsuspecting of him, but they do expect Hangover, who seems to show up constantly. We’re using every resource available to track down these sick bastards and bring them to justice.” VCU Student Health Services issued a statement to the student body advising those that may have fallen victim to this attacker. The statement was published on their website and reads, “Due to the high volume of victims in this recent attack, the Student Health Center will be handing out antibiotics at the Student Union from 10-2 every day this week to ensure all students are free from the burning sensation of regret.”
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The
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Game of Thrones Characters to Drink With
The wait is almost over for the hotly-anticipated third season of Game of Thrones. With such a rich collection of characters that run the gamut from “Jeeze, what a dick” to “Tragic and beloved little person,” our first thought at The Black Sheep is, “Which of these dudes would we have a drink with?” [Warning: Minor spoilers, but if you aren’t caught up by now then you brought this upon yourself.] 10.) Joffrey Baratheon: Yes, he defines “bastard” in more ways than one, and yes, watching him get slapped to kingdom come was a highlight of our lives, but just think: if you got drunk with him, you could crack a bottle over the back of his skull. 9.) Tywin Lannister: Tywin is Lord of Casterly Rock, head of the Lannister House, and a ruthless veteran of many wars and countless skirmishes. You could trade war stories -- he’ll talk about actual wars, and you can mention that time you totally broke up two guys who were definitely going to start shit at your friend’s beach house. 8.) Ser Jorah Mormont: Ser Jorah Mormont is a grizzled veteran with many battle stories to be shared, so like Tywin, the guy has seen some shit. He’s also in love with a teenager, so that could be a fun icebreaker.
Graduate VCU in Five Years! daniel park wrote this
Recently The Black Sheep accidentally stumbled into one of those “job fairs.” Filled with real people seeking real jobs, we immediately started looking for an easy way out, as we are wont to do. Upon ducking behind a dividing wall to sort through all the free corporate knick-knacks we picked up, we came across an archaic-looking pamphlet that stood out from the rest. Sure, we’ve all read these prototypical advice pamphlets before, but this one seemed different. Maybe it was the hot trans-racial graduate on the front, maybe it was the mushrooms we ate before heading into the fair, but this pamphlet seemed… magical. So, we decided to share some of its wisdom with you.
Anecdote #41: Intern, Network, and be Polite: Whether it’s janitorial work or assisting an executive, always (ALWAYS) stay polite. Pee stains or grammar mistakes, maintaining humility is essential when it comes the time for the nitpicking employers to hire eligible candidates. Your interpersonal skills are what will be remembered, not the one night you fucked up major. Reach out, seek help, ask for professional advice, and massage professors’ egos by visiting during their office hours. Listen to them when they encourage you rub it up, and you’ll have resources and references at hand. They’ll come in handy someday after you graduate. Give your professor a hand job…
Anecdote #20: Live Life: The writers kept it simple. Take a second to focus on the purpose of your life. What is your current title? You are a student. You pay tuition. By nature, you are here to study. But after dozing off in class all freshman year and acting “too cool for school,” your updating Facebook on how drunk and hung-over you’ll be the next day amounted up to nothing. Examine the condition that your life is in right now. Think about it. For once, will you please exercise your brain cells? Life is for you to live--yet you’re doing the exact opposite: dying.
Anecdote #63: If YOU’VE no sense of humor, you’re not ready to graduate: We’re guessing that our ancestors wanted to make the world a funnier place to live. Laughing is a medicine, and the older generations were pretty set-in-stone with this remark. Laughing at others isn’t the point. The ability to laugh at ourselves may tax us an extra ounce of energy, but it is a normal gesture to those who’re already in the real world. So when you epically fail a test, or your professor violently rejects your eloquent offers of hand jibbers, just laugh it off! Laugh, and laugh, and laugh until you don’t even care that you’re 33 and still living in the dorms.
Anecdote #25: Maturation>Education: When you received your “Welcome Freshman!” acceptance packages near the end of your senior year in high school, this statement in fine print went unread: “The youthful woman in her elegant capand-gown receiving her honorable diploma and gracing the cover of our course catalogue isn’t as young as she appears. In fact, she’s 26 and spent the first three years here getting drunk and grinding dudes four or five days a week… and you can too!” Yes it took her a while to graduate, but sometimes it just takes a few years of waking up with random men to mature into a proud VCU graduate.
A wise woman told our senior writer that employers would hire an under qualified individual and train the personable candidate, rather than the candidate who carries a superior resume but won’t be seen as a strong fit with the business’ culture. So young ladies and strapping gentlemen, get out there and make yourself personable. You’ll graduate in five years, trust us. Maybe four, depending on your hand job skills. This isn’t a scam like when R. Kelly sung how he believed “he can fly” as he urinated on a 12-yearold’s back. Sad but true. Good luck.
7.) Shae: She is a beautiful and exotic woman, with a certain veil of mystery surrounding her. A word of caution: Ladies drinking with Shae should shy away from talking about Tyrion, which will inevitably flame Shae’s jealousy, and she will cut a bitch. The Black Sheep heartily endorses drinking with people who might stab you, but tread lightly around her. (Ed. note: The Black Sheep does not heartily endorse drinking with people who might stab you.) 6.) Petyr Baelish/Littlefinger: Littlefinger is an advisor to the king, a gambler, and entrepreneur in such ventures as whorehouses. You could talk shop, gossip, and try to bring up the one time he might have maybe had one of his whores killed so someone could have sex with her dead body. ScAnDaLouS!~!
5.) Robb Stark: “The King in the North,” son of the honorable Ned Stark, would be an excellent drinking companion. The man has a dire wolf and a pretty sweet entourage, and after a falling out with one Theon Greyjoy, he’s probably looking for a new BFF. 4.) Ned Stark: The O.G. King in the North and father of five was quite possibly the most honorable man in all of the seven kingdoms. Now he’s dead, but he’d be a blast to hang out with if he wasn’t. If anything, everyone should know a “Ned.” 3.) Robert Barathion: He has gone on the record saying that all he does is “eat, and drink, and shit, and fuck…” A man after our own hearts, he’s a bit obnoxious but at least he wouldn’t judge us for getting sloppy drunk and pooping the bed. 2.) Bronn: Bronn drinks a lot of booze, kills a lot of people, sleeps with a lot of women, and loves singing drinking songs. He seems to get along with just about everyone, so the only way he could be better was if he could turn water into booze. 1.) Tyrion Lannister: Tyrion Lannister is that guy who everyone loves at the bar. He’s funny, clever, charming, drinks a lot, and slaps the shit out of the annoying guy. He’s also a dwarf, which makes him even cooler.
Nathan Heintschel wrote this
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
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fear and loathing in olive garden tbs staff wrote this We were somewhere near the bar, at the edge of the restaurant, when the food lust began to take hold. I was shoveling my fifth meatball into my mouth, when the room began to spin. I remember saying something like, “I’m stuffed. Are you going to eat that?” Suddenly, there was a crash and a waiter carrying a tray filled with our half-eaten dishes tumbled to the ground due to the sheer weight of our refuse. I decided to take inventory of our present delicacies. Laid before us like a gleaming city of sultry herbs, noodles, and meats were two plates of bruschetta, thirty-five sautéed four-cheese shrimp, two sheets of lasagna, three empty parmesan cheese shakers, and a whole spread of edibles rich in carbohydrates, stewed meats, boiled noodles, steaming soups, and bottomless breadsticks, and salad. Of these last two—we simply could not run out. As God as our witness, we had tried. We also had a bottle of chardonnay, an empty bottle of pinot grigio, and a broken bottle of merlot. Not that we needed all of that for the meal, but once you start an Olive Garden binge, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the breadsticks. There is nothing in the world more helpless, irresponsible, and depraved than a man in the depths of a breadstick binge. At that moment a waiter walked up and asked how we were doing. I leapt up, sat him down next to me, and began to recount
the tale of how the man sitting across from me had come to this country from the depths of sacred Mexico to find an education in the great wilderness of Virginia. I looked at this man, this server of men, and asked if he was prejudice before offering him a breadstick. He confusedly took the breadstick and walked off with it. I knew he wouldn’t eat it, the thieving bastard. I missed him already. He smelled like marinara sauce and olive oil, although that scent could have merely been my upper lip. I dove into my chicken parmesan with furious gusto, wanting only to eat and to forget the sounds of laughter, smooth piano music, and my comrade asking how we were going to pay for this. He simply didn’t understand that this was more than a meal—it was a salute to the success of Italian Americans, entrepreneurs, and high-end restaurants for the collegiate masses. It was a battle in the ever-growing war against anorexia, public image, and the stingy assholes living within their means. I prepared to down some merlot, but instead reached for the chardonnay to preserve what little class had managed to cling to us through this never-ending orgy of chow. Sipping delicately, I then released a belch that could’ve shaken the walls of Valhalla, had we been Norse. Of course, we weren’t Norse; we were broke. The server returned, still holding the breadstick. I knew the question he would ask. He was terrified though, for he knew the answer had to be, and would always be yes. His mouth opened slowly, and the phrase, “Did we save room for dessert?” left his lips like a au jus soaked lamb thrown into the lions’ den.
Knowing that even looking at the dessert menu would send us both into another food lust from which none could return, I closed my eyes and feverishly ordered myself tiramisu with a piece of chocolate mousse cake for my Mexican friend. The waiter audibly thanked God before dashing away from the table like a frightened house cat. It was now that we began the world-ending debate of how to pay for the feast. My Mexican friend insisted that I pay since it was my idea to dine at this last bastion of affordable fine Italian, but I countered, remarking that it was I who paid when we had gone to Chili’s. This dance of course was meaningless, a ritual that would end in the two of us casually walking out the door of this place, then making a mad dash across the parking lot to the Honda, leaving a message written in breadsticks on the table: IOU.
t e k c a r b Ncaa t e k c a r b n o i t c e l e s
It's bracket season, and with it, all the insane ways millions of people make irrational decisions in hopes of eking out a few extra tax-free bucks. Well, not to get too meta, but we've decided to release our bracket on bracket selection processes. Which methods are most and least effective? Hint: Cuteness of animals has no correlation on basketball success.
we interview:
caspian
This week we had an opportunity to catch up with Erin Burke-Morgan, guitarist for post-rock monolith Caspian. These Massachusetts instrumentalists released their fourth album, Waking Season, in 2012, and are currently touring the United States to support it. We talked… well, we talked about that album, and touring in support of it. The Black Sheep: You guys are touring right now, where are you? Erin Burke-Moran: We’re in Portland, Oregon. TBS: When you tour, do you have the opportunity to take in the sights? Erin: You know what, on this tour it’s not so much sights. In the United States the drives are so long, the four or five days we have off are driving days. We went to a place called Voodoo Doughnuts today. TBS: They have a bunch of wacky doughnuts, right? Erin: Yeah, I had some crazy mango-filled doughnut. And that’s kind of cool, it balances out not being able to see anything. TBS: Since you’ve been on tour, we’re sure you’re tired. What does fatigue mean for a band? Are you mentally exhausted? Physically? Erin: We all have our routines before going on stage every night. We have a stretch routine we go through each night, and that puts you in the music mindset. But yeah, I think the lack of sleep, in and out of reality, makes performing easier. At one point you’re in this wacked out zone in a van, then it’s like, stage time, and you know it’s time to perform. TBS: What’s your pre-show routine? Erin: Listen to some music, have a brew, and I do my stretches for twenty minutes before we play. I’ll catch the last song of the band performing before us, then it’s go time. TBS: Is the stretching a precautionary measure, or in response to an injury? Erin: (laughs) I’ve actually hurt myself a couple of times. I’m not old, but I’m getting older, you know? In 2010 we were in the middle of a tour and I swear to god, I gave myself whiplash. (laughs) It was hard playing two more weeks with an injured neck. TBS: How long does it take you to hit your stride on tour? Erin: It’s usually a week or so before you really get into a zone. Once we get there we try to stick with it. Of course you get tired. We were over in Europe last summer, and some of the craziest shows were at the end of the tour, and you have to stay up for those. TBS: What are you most looking forward to when you get back from tour? Erin: I mean, just having dinner with my girlfriend. I’ve been with her for three years now, so it’s tough getting away. TBS: What do you go for when you’re recording music? Erin: It’s different for every record. On Waking Season we were going for an ambient sound. About three quarters of the way through it we looked back and realized, “Wow, a lot of these songs are similar.” That’s when you know it’s natural. Now we’re performing it live and deciding what’s next. TBS: A running theme in music, what is that a result of? Erin: Our method usually involves someone getting an idea for a melody or a chord progression or a skeleton of a song. We’ll get together and jam on it. We just record ideas or practice sessions on an iPhone, then build from there. TBS: Are there ever heated arguments regarding music, or is it mostly eye rolls? Erin: It goes back and forth. There’s days where we’re looking at the floor, not being able to stand looking at each other. There’s other times when everyone just needs to step outside and smoke a cigarette. One thing that was great about Waking Season we got past inhibitions and insecurities, and found ways to communicate. TBS: Do you pay attention to criticism or acclaim from music press? Erin: I think we like to say we make music for each other; that we play what we’re happy with. The more we do this, the more we learn we can’t make everyone happy. To some degree you have to write for your fans, what’s been important to us is making music we can vibe with. Response from friends, interestingly enough, is when listening to Waking Season they’d uncover new stuff and it’d settle in with them. That’s a great response. TBS: But do you go, “Yeah! Spin gave us a nine!” or “Motherfucker, why did you give us a three?” Erin: (laughs) I mean, you read the reviews. It’s always funny to see what people say. It’s also just… part of the whole thing. TBS: What’s some music you’re into that your bandmates say, “Man, I can’t believe you listen to this garbage.”? Erin: (laughs) Not so much anymore, but I started playing guitar at fifteen, and some of my favorite bands were Live and Bush. Bandmates would give me such a hard time about that. Nowadays, I’m always trying to get them to play weird chords, and they won’t do it. That’s kind of the beauty about writing in a band, collectively coming to decisions.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
NCAA March Madness March 21st - 24th
There's nothing quite like celebrating the end of winter hibernation than by getting mad during the month of March and bingewatching basketball in your living room. Have your brackets handy, your refrigerator stocked, and your comfiest party pants on, because you're going to be glued to the TV for four straight days. Good luck trying to go to class.
The Strokes - Comedown Machine out march 26th
Acclaimed indie rockers The Strokes are back with their fifth studio album, Comedown Machine. Suckily off of a mediocre 2011 album, sexy Juilan Casablancas and the rest of the bros say that this album returns to the sound from their classic first album Is This It. Be sure to check out the album's single, "All The Time."
Wavves - Afraid of Heights out march 26th
Goofy and perpetually stoned Nathan Williams, the head honcho behind surfer noise/rock band Wavves, has managed to remain relevant since his 2008 debut. Despite multiple band line-up changes, Wavves is cruising along at full force with the release of Afraid of Heights. Their fourth studio also includes two cameos by Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley fame, which is all one needs to say for us to pay attention.
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bartender of the week ANgie d. legend brewery How long have you been bartending: 5 years Favorite Drink Recipe: Crown, water and lime Favorite Shot: Tuaca
Favorite bad pick up line: ”If you were a booger I’d pick you first.”
Have you invented any recipes yourself: The Asian Snowcone, it’s a secret recipe.
Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: A girl crying because she didn’t win a bikini contest.
“I Dare You” Recipe: Cement Mixer
What do you want to be when you grow up: I’m going to school to be a pastry chef and baker. I want to open up a store with my friend Sarah.
Karaoke song: “The Sign” by Ace of Base Favorite movie genre: Horror Favorite beer: The Legend Brown Ale mixed with the Golden Guilty pleasure: Cheesy pop songs like “Call Me Maybe.” Ever met anyone famous: Steve Sanders from 90210
the drinking game: march madness
It’s that glorious time of year again, the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. It’s all anyone will be talking about for the next couple weeks, so you might as well get drunk enough to not cringe at the throaty gurgling of Dickie V’s voice. What You’ll Need: Beer, eyeballs, a television Number of Players: The more (who bring beer) the merrier! Intoxication Level: It’s a slam dunk. How to Play: Take one drink - For every “official” reference of a field of “68 teams” - For every Buffalo Wild Wings commercial - For every 60 Minutes commercial - Every time Dickie V. says something incredibly predictable on ESPN - Every floor slap
If you could hook up with a celebrity who would it be: Ryan Gosling
Take two drinks - For every ol’ fashioned college-hustle play - When the higher seed goes up by ten - For every Craig Sager appearance - Every time a school’s band sadly attempts a pop song - When Marv Albert makes basketball seem poetically absurd Finish your drink - For every upset - For every correct pick in your bracket - When you realize you’re watching TruTV long after the games have finished - For every buzzer-beater - Before the guy you owe a lot of money to breaks your legs The Game Ends When: The games end, dummy.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What’s your biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: When somebody orders a drink and walks away. What’s the best way to get your attention on a crowded night: No snapping, whistling, or shouting my name, just wait patiently. Craziest thing you’ve seen someone do for a free drink: Serenade me [with] “Angie” by the Rolling Stones.
recipe for disaster:
Now Brewing at VCU!
Nutella Cool Whip Popsicles We’re sick of winter and its iron-fisted, anti-popsicle policies. Just because it’s cold outside doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to make it cold inside our mouths! What better way to make winter go away by denying its existence and eating a frozen treat? What you’ll need: Cool Whip, Nutella, milk, blender, and one of those popsicle-makers (though an ice cube tray would work in a pinch). Cook Freeze Time: 3 hours Fatty Factor: Just tell yourself eating Cool Whip and Nutella in popsicle form isn’t as bad as sneaking spoonfuls of each at 3 in the morning. Let’s Get Baked: To make three popsicles: - Put 1 cup Cool Whip, ½ cup milk, and 3 Tbsp. Nutella into a blender - Blend - Pour gooey goodness into popsicle molds/ice cube tray/ shot glasses - DON’T pour gooey goodness into your mouth, you impatient fat ass - Freeze for a few hours - Eat all three in one sitting
Compass Plaza M-F 7:30am-3:00pm
It doesn’t have to be summer out to enjoy frozen treats, just like it doesn’t have to be the weekend to be drunk at 11 a.m.
@alchemyrva alchemycoffeerva Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
e l d d i r e th
? e r e h y sa o t g n i y r t e r ' e w t a h w w o n k u Do yo Send the question and the answer to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com If you’re right, you’ll win something cool, like a sprinkled donut!
the madlib: hungover at the gym Oh my ___1___, why am I here? I am sort of glad my bitch of a roommate is dragging my ___2___ ___3___ here to ___4___ on the elliptical, but only because I’m still kind of ___5___. All right, I’m going to try the treadmill first, get the hardest one out of the way. Hopefully ___6___ is on, it’s the perfect thing to stare at mindlessly. Okay, got my earbuds in, blasting ___7___ so loud I hope I knock this tiny Asian next to me off her machine. First minute done -- I’m not doing too shabby! Except my head is pounding like ___8___ would pound ___9___ after a roofied ___10___ or two, so maybe I’ll just run a mile. Maybe I’ll walk the last half. God, the Asian is giving me the stink eye, maybe because I’m sweating out all the ___11___ from last night and smell like the floor of ___12___. You know what, screw this. I’ll try the elliptical, at least it’ll make the bouncing of my head more subtle. Lord, why do all these girls look perfect while I’m sweating and shaky like I took a bunch of ___13___ in ___14___. Whatever, I can do this! Perfect, a machine open next to the ___15___ girl so I can feel better about myself. Damn, she makes Kim Kardashian’s ___16___ look small. Okay, of course she’s watching ___17___ make ___18___, what the hell! Just focus on ___19___ getting drunk and making bad decision, wow, I’m not really as bad as them. Sure, I danced on ___20___ bar last night and slipped on a pile of ___21___ but at least I didn’t get arrested! That ___22___ looks so good my stomach is growling like a ___23___ . I can’t do this. Okay I see my roommate, I’m gonna motion that I’m going to just chill out on the bike until she’s done. I’m going to cool down, put on some ___24___ and just mellow out and… …. I cannot believe I feel asleep on the bike. Thank God my roommate is ready to leave, I need ___25___ ASAP and maybe a ___26___ .
Meet The Staff campus manager Hayley Evans
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Editorial manager Gregory Alexander
pr/Marketing team Lorenzo Simpson, Rebecca Britt Jasmine Kent, Deanna Celmer Kenneth Jordan, Morgan Carey Kelsey Grupp, Meredith Frick
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campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Daniel Park, Olivia Talbott Jessica Overcash, Olivia Walthall John Borkey, Ciara Roman Lorenzo Simpson distribution manager Jess Overcash Social media manager Jasmine Kent pr/marketing manager Casey Burnett
1) Swear word 2) Synonym for big 3) Plural body part 4) Verb 5) Synonym for drunk 6) MTV show 7) Intense rapper 8) Slutty male celebrity 9) Whorish girl you know 10) Girly drink 11) Liquor 12) Popular bar 13) Party drug 14) Hot exotic location 15) Synonym for big 16) Body part 17) Famous chef 18) Typical drunk food 19) MTV character 20) Bar from #12 21) Liquid 22) Food from #17 23) Wild animal 24) Indie band 25) Food from #17 26) Cocktail
owner Atish Doshi Founders Sarah A., Lenton A., Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Republic Mojo’s Philadeli 1800 Bar & Grill Fish Bowl First & Main Electronics The Camel Club Infuzion Posh Aurora Village Cafe Little Mexico Little Mexico
821 Cafe Rumors Panda Garden Good Taste Cary and Belvidere Strange Matter Crossroads - ice Sticky Rice Presidential Cuts Ackell Cous Cous cream and coffee Bodillaz 8 1/2 Canal The Art building Bellytimber shop Baja Apartments Chilli’s/Cary St Deli Roxy Cafe Virginia Book Mulligans Sports Head Hunters Snead Hall Starlite Company Bar Piccolas Engineering Starbucks Absolute Tattoo Rev it UP Red Dragon China building Godfreys Plaza art supply City Dogs Hibbs hall Bleeker St Cafe Carry St Cafe shop Delux Harris Hall Jonahs Cafeteria Cha Cha’s Apprentice Hair Monkeys Bar&Grill The Commons PLUS DORMS Lucky Buddha Salon Sidewalk Cafe Academic Building AND STREET Off The Hookah Ramz Nails Empire Broad and BelviTEAMS AND Stuffy’s Fine Foods T T Lounge dere MORE!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the wordsearch: What’s for brunch? Eggs Omelette French Toast Pancakes Toast Cereal Muffins Bagels Granola Oatmeal Yogurt
Grits Bacon Sausage Fruit Quiche Coffee Green Tea Orange Juice Bloody Mary Mimosa Bellini
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