The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 1, Issue 9 12/6/12 - 12/14/12
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marter are you sate, the than k a? pg. 9 barist
contents page 5: the Madlib Distract yourself from studying by filling in the _____________!
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 6: The Best Ways to get Arrested during Finals Week A piece of advice from Richmond’s largest collection of Yolosexuals.
Table of
page 7: A reading of my Finals Will and Testament Here Lies Greg Alexander, He Loved the Oxford Comma.
page 7: from the streets how do you carry on your college lifestyle at home?
page 12: Christmas movies drinking game make your millionth time watching a christmas story a special one.
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word of the week borantine:
The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam. "Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."
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quiz: Which VCU Late Night Food Binger Are You?
3) You just took a great dump, now that you have so much space in your stomach you… a) Go to the gym and burn some more calories. b) Gorge at Shafer. c) Head to the convenience store to get a re-up on your bag of gummy bears. d) Sleep, because it’s getting late. 4) After breaking the post-sex tension with your random classmate you… a) Are not hungry, he can make that sandwich himself. b) Burned enough calories, time to call Domino’s. Delivery, of course. c) Realize nothing’s opened at 1 a.m. except, oh, thank heaven – 7-Eleven! d) Say to your partner, “We need to go eat. House rule.”
7) Peek inside your trashcan real quick, you… a) Are proud of how many bags of Doritos and Combos you’ve eaten. b) The rancid Chinese food smells good, the gnats love it too. c) Think about harvesting all the old fruit in your garden. d) See aluminum foil and bowls, with all the tortilla on the side. 8) When it comes to your weight, it… a) Fluctuates because, you work out twice a week. b) “It’s not the food, it’s my slow-ass metabolism.” c) Screams “HELP SOMEONE’S TRYING TO KILL ME!” d) Thanks your insatiable mouth for being so caring.
5. A) 1 B) 2 C) 3 D) 4 6. A) 1 B) 3 C) 2 D) 4
7. A) 3 B) 2 C) 1 D) 4 8. A) 2 B) 3 C) 4 4) 1
answers:
6) Your boo is out of town, and the diet you both maintain is keeping you up, so… a) “Hello? Jimmy John’s?” b) “Hi, Ever Green?” c) “I think I have some croutons in the cupboard. Must. Maintain.” d) “Hellllllllo Qdoba, you’re looking mighty fine right now.”
By: Daniel Park 3. A) 2 B) 3 C) 4 D) 1 4. A) 1 B) 3 C) 4 D) 2
2) When you pay at the register you… a) Thank GOD this is for a swipe. b) Have to tip? No problem. c) Smile, because $4.23 for some taquitos and an Arizona Mucho Mango is legit. d) Take a picture of the receipt and proudly text your mother what you ate.
5) When you make a sandwich, you generally use… a) A lettuce wrap, mustard, lean white meat. b) Anything you can find, and BBQ sauce. c) Corned beef. d) Pickles, mustard, and an obscene amount of cheese. So much cheese. It doesn’t even matter that it gives you nightmares.
1. A) 1 B) 3 C) 2 D) 4 2. A) 3 B) 2 C) 4 D) 1
1) First things first, when you think food you think: a) What time is it? Damn, never mind. b) What’s open? Cane’s, hell yeah! What do I want? c) Shafer? They offer vegan… and waffles. d) 7-Eleven is so far, but so very delicious…
8-16 Points: SALADS AND FRUIT
Honestly, do you ever eat? We don’t know who the hell you’re trying to impress in those skinny jeans, but you need to get your grub on. Oh, you’re a health freak? Your boyfriend called you fat didn’t he? Well newsflash, you look like a diving board. Keep buying salads at Qdoba or the fruit at 7-Eleven, you’ll live three years longer than everyone else.
17-24 Points: KNOW YOUR LIMIT(S)
You know that eating late night means one thing: satisfying your cravings. You’d make a sandwich for yourself, but you like the atmosphere of latenight eateries, and frankly you don’t have any real food at home. Working out tomorrow won’t be a problem because you enjoyed your meal, didn’t go overboard, and didn’t go as hard as this next guy.
25-32 points: WE ALL DIE SOME DAY…
For you “Going HAM” means pork products smothered in melty cheese. 7-11’s motto, “Oh thank heaven” is taken literally, because you actually think 7-Eleven is heaven. When you look at the mirror and lift your shirt to your neck you see Qdoba, chili cheese 7-Eleven dogs, and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Better start looking towards the treadmill.
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the madlib
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my last night on campus
My life can’t bear the troubles of dorm life any further. Drunk __1__ continue to __2__ in my bed, unwelcomed, and consistently piss a __3__ of aged yellow, horrifically smelly urine. They persist in their __4__ antics of waiting until I fall asleep then doodling crude __5__ all over my __6__. I am constantly having to purchase __7__ to drone out the sound of angry, drunken __8__, but the weird __9__ that echoes throughout the room still finds a way to penetrate my skull like a cobra’s fangs into a moist piece of __10__. Is it too much to ask for some semblance of normalcy and peace and quiet? Is it too much to ask for these people to be __11__ in their sleep and their existence to be forgotten and the circumstances to not be questioned? My last night on campus will be filled with premeditated ponderousness. Can I go on living with these __12__? The answer is a quick no. I woke up the other day to the terrifying sight of my suite mates engrossed in a __13__. One would think my coming awake would cause the “activity” to crumble out of awkwardness, but it appeared as if my consciousness fueled their __14__ and they just went __15__ and __16__; it was horrendous. These “__17__” have made the last few months indescribably gross and __18__. I wish nothing but the worst for these people in their future endeavors. __19__ you all; have a nice break. By: Aaron Stein
1) Group of
10) Food item
people
11) Violent
2) Verb
act
3) Form
12) Type of
of liquid
animal
measurement
13) Fancy
4) Adjective
sexual act
5) Body part
14) Emotion
6) Body part
15) Adjective
7) Form
16) Adverb
of noise
17) Noun
canceller
(plural)
8) Action
18) Adjective
9) Sound
19) Insult
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VCU This Semester
10.) VCU Goes to the Big Apple: After VCU made it to the final four, black and gold buses turned up in the streets of New York City. The doubledecker buses bearing the words “Go VCU Rams. Remember Us?” were even seen this year by New Yorkers, and are in your face reminders of where VCU basketball has been. Which is, you know, on the inevitable decline (save us Shaka!).
The Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Week Jess Overcash wrote this It’s that dreaded time of the year once again: Finals are here, lurking right around the corner. All of the procrastinating and those late nights not spent studying are ultimately catching up to you, and quickly. You might be on the verge of insanity, but it’s okay; everyone else is just as delusional and sleep-deprived as you are. These are some surefire ways to put your ass in jail if you’ve decided to take a walk on the wild side during this chaotic time. Buying or selling massive amounts of amphetamines: Let’s face it, most of us are useless without Adderall (or Vyvanse or just straight up bath salts). When it comes to the last minute papers and projects, these pills are the only answer to getting shit done. Those with Adderall prescriptions hike up the price during finals week, after all, this is the Lamborghini of study drugs we’re talking about, and all our peers are potential buyers. When it’s time to drive ourselves harder, faster, and longer to make the grade, it’s Adderall to the rescue—just don’t get caught! Breaking into your teacher’s office to steal the answers to the final exam: Desperate times call for desperate measures; everyone has fantasized about getting their hands on the answers to that test determining whether you pass or fail. Even with cell phones that are practically made to make cheating a breeze, it’s just not enough when you’ve been texting, tweeting, Instagramming, playing Words with Friends, pinning, and snapchatting all semester when you should have been paying attention in class. It’s becoming more common to steal exam keys, it isn’t just a daydream anymore, so get out there and pick some locks! Hotboxing one of those cozy study rooms in the library: You know those little rooms that were made for small group meetings and a less distracting study space? Well one way you’re guaranteed to get arrested would be to throw a towel down along the inside of that door and start blazing up. There aren’t any blinds, but if you tack up a sheet nobody will notice. If that actually works, then the distinct smell of Mary Jane will definitely give you away; don’t even bother with the Febreeze.
Violently riot against final exams: If you’re burning the candlestick at both ends and you just can’t take it anymore, RISE UP! Start flipping cars and throwing bricks, break windows, and spray paint the halls! Cover your body in red war paint and hope your peers are also losing their minds enough to join in your rampage. (Ed. note: The revolution will not be editorialized.) Streaking naked through campus: At some schools it’s an annual tradition to streak before finals start, however, it’s illegal in the fine state of Virginia. Once you graduate, running around campus butt naked isn’t socially acceptable anymore, and it will put you on the fast track to ending up on the sexual offenders list. So you better get it out of your system now! After you’ve knocked out a final, strip down and strap on your sneakers for a crisp jog around the Compass. Between the alcohol and stress that accompany final exams, this shouldn’t be too much of a struggle. Just don’t forget to catch up on all the grooming you’ve been neglecting the entire week. There’s always the chance you won’t just be chased down, tackled, and handcuffed; your sweet cheeks are most likely going to end up on Facebook as well. Lighting all of that useless shit on fire: Go through your notebooks and binders from the entire semester, save the important stuff, and things that could benefit your friends if they ever find themselves in the same classes you’ve already taken. Then start a bonfire to celebrate your accomplishment of surviving through another semester with all your notes and books (the ones you can’t actually sell back or get shit for). Some people out there have a general affinity for fire, but keep in mind it’s not for everyone, arson is extremely dangerous and a great way to hurt yourself. Oh, and you’ll certainly be put on the FBI’s terrorist list. Hopefully everyone can pull it together and we won’t be reading about any dives over the deep end. If you decide to involve yourself in these activities, be smart (although it might be too late for that) and be careful, unless you want your excuse for missing the exams to be “I was incarcerated,” which, who knows, might actually be a legitimate excuse.
9.) Rodney the Ram Makeover: If you’ve ever participated in a VCU poll, you may have come across the extremely pertinent question involving our basketball mascot. Due to a majority vote, Rodney appears fiercer with a gym body physique and sculpted face. Throughout the years, Rodney has evolved from a cartoonish character to the present day body builder. At your next basketball game, make sure to root for our Rams and pump it up with the all new Rodney, or else his new hormone supplements might decide you need a beating too. 8.) Bomb Defused: Even with the threat of a bomb, neither VCU staff nor faculty was required to evacuate campus in September. Alerts were sent out notifying of an investigation, but VCU Police just didn’t deem the threat credible. VCU Police, the FBI, and Rodney the Ram conducted building checks, all the while hastily encouraging students the environment was safe. 7.) Water Wars: While the summer heat still beat down, VCU wet up the campus with water gun games. On May 2nd, 2012 Cary Street Field was filled with a crowd of students intent on relieving stress by battling it out. Some of us crossed our fingers for an impromptu wet t-shirt contest, but to no avail. 6.) Rash of Robberies: Throughout the month of October, VCU Alerts were constantly being sent out to the student body warning of several robberies, an armed man on campus, and even shots being fired in one case. Even with VCU adding security to its staff, students were on edge, fearing any and all men in jalapeño-peppered pants. 5.) The Storm That Never Came: By now, students have become used to the frustration of VCU waiting until the last minute to cancel classes. Hurricane Sandy was pictured as such a dangerous storm, that Richmonders feared for the worst and emptied out grocery stores. Either way, a Monday cancellation was followed with heavy rain and whipping winds, but didn’t stop us from having a good ‘ole candle-light booze-fest. 4.) VCU takes Over Broad Street: Even in the November cold, VCU students took to Broad Street celebrating the reelection of President Obama. Students ran in joy, shouted cheers of congrats, and held signs in honor bearing the president’s name. 3.) New Openings: This year alone the VCU area has become home to a number of new businesses including Yogi’s, West Grace dorm, Sweet Frog on Cary Street, Bobalicious, and Collegiate. Students now have more options as where to drunkenly lay their heads and what desserts to cram down their throats, not necessarily in that order. 2.) PSY Flash Mob: A group of VCU students showed off their moves dancing to a rendition of the Asian pop sensation, Psy’s “Oppan Gangnam Style.” The dancers mimicked Psy’s signature choreography, and giddy-upped their way through the upbeat Korean lyrics. The unexpected Compass act drew a crowd of observers and set the standards for what a flash mob scene should look like – despite everyone never wanting to hear that song again. 1.) Bottom and Back Bus Rides: The “BNB Bus” is a well-known weekend transportation on the VCU campus. It works to service the social drinker who is smart enough not to drive, the low on cash VCU student, or anyone needing a ride for another well-deserved night out. So hop on the lime green bus to meet some new people, hit on the bus driver, or at the very least try to hold down all the Burnett’s you pre-gamed with.
Shanae Edwards wrote this
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A reading of my Finals Will and Testament
by Gregory Alexander, Editorial Manager of The Black Sheep and English major at VCU
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
How do you carry on your college lifestyle at home? “I fill in my friends and family about all the activities that I’m a part of.” - Dacia T., 2nd Year
Greg (witnessed by Crazy Randy) wrote this If you are reading this, it means that I have gone into a deep slumber and the coffee technicians in Cabell were unable to revive me. As I am now incapacitated and unable to fulfill my duties as either student or Editorial Manager, I would like to ensure that my affairs are settled before I pass on into another, more vacation-y realm. First, I leave my Rowdy Rams shirts to whoever picks them up from my shitty apartment on Cary. Please wear them with pride as we inexplicably drop another gimme to Wichita State. I leave my editorial responsibilities and my laptop to Crazy Randy, the guy who always begs for change outside of the ABC store. I don’t know if his name is actually Randy but he does have crazy eyes and I think the intensity he’ll bring to The Black Sheep will be a welcome change. Also, he won’t make puns like “welcome change” when talking about a guy who asks for quarters outside of the liquor store.
“I take a break. I don’t take my college lifestyle home.” - Michelle A., 3rd Year
I leave that coupon book they always give out at the beginning of the year to my roommate. If I weren’t in a book coma, I’d complain about how we never eat locally, and how this coupon book would be a good start if we didn’t lose it a week after getting it every single year. If anyone is interested, they are welcome to my “Getting Shitty in River City” car magnet. It is located on Cumberland Street, unless it’s the third week of the month - in which case it can be found in Seibert’s Towing Lot in Henrico because who the fuck can tell when they’re doing street cleaning anyway? As for my Finals Funeral arrangements, I would like to have a large bonfire so that I might have a Viking funeral for my southern literature books. It’s great that Ellen Glasgow is from Richmond; it’d be even cooler if she hadn’t literally bored me to death. If I am unresponsive at the funeral pyre of The Sheltered Life, please hand me a beer with a sticky note that reads, (Ed. Note: Drink this.) If I am still unresponsive after a period of time deemed suitable by a group of my peers (in the event of a split decision, flip cup will be used as a tiebreaker), the arrangements for my funeral shall be as follows: - Casket in the shape of a giant semi-colon. - No less than three (3) impassioned wails from Rodney the Ram (or a person wearing Rodney the Ram’s costume should Rodney be unavailable). - A 21-slam dunk salute performed by VCU alum and current Milwaukee Bucks center Larry Sanders. - In the coffin proper, there should be a laminated menu from Elephant Thai that smells kind of like curry but a little bit like fried chicken, too, copies of all of this year’s editions of The Black Sheep, and an overpriced Sonics jacket from Rumors (if the jacket cannot fit within the casket, draping it over the top of the casket as I am laid to rest in Hollywood Cemetery is also acceptable). - After the funeral, a brief reception will take place. If possible, set up a t-shirt airbrushing stand with one of the kids from Pollak. If more possible, I would like the shirts to be an airbrushed rendition of my ghost. - The entire event will be set to a piano trio (book them through the VCUArts website) playing somber renditions of Chief Keef songs. Should these duties prove to be too much, I will also accept tweets marked with the hashtag #IMissBlackSheepGregButImGladFinalsAreDone as a tribute. (That’s about 40 characters, make those tributes short and to the point. Alternatively, #IMBSGBIGFAD) Signed, Greg Alexander (Witnessed by Crazy Randy)
“Basically I keep my college lifestyle in RVA…”- Logan H., 2nd Year
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Live Music/DJs Every Wednesday - Saturday! Check Our FB Page for Upcoming Shows!
EVERYDAY! VCU Student Discount: 10% Off EVERYDAY! (**MUST SHOW ID**)
SUNDAY! Football Sundays! Up to five games on simultaneously! Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99
Live Music every Tues, Wed, Fri. & Sat., Check our FB Page!
THURS. 12/6
PBR, Live! Daily Food and Bar Specials! $5 Menu During All Football Games + Bucket Specials!
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Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm
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FRI. 12/7
Pigeons Playing Ping Pong w/ Sophistafunk Daily Food and Bar Specials! $5 Menu During All Football Games + Bucket Specials!
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Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!
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SAT. 12/8
Soundstorm, Live! Daily Food and Bar Specials! $5 Menu During All Football Games + Bucket Specials!
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SUN. 12/9
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Football Sundays! Up to five games on simultaneously! Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99
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TUES. 12/11
DJ Williams Project w/ H2-Kiernan McMullen Wing Night & Flight Night Trivia at 8pm
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Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps Burger Special Buy One, Get One free Te-quil-ya Tuesdays
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WED. 12/12
Check Out our FB Page for Bands!
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Buy ANY Coffee or Coffee Drink and get a FREE Muffin Top from 7:00 AM - 10:00 AM
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps College Night Show Your ID For Great Specials
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are you smarter than? kate, cary street bistro barista 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.
6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.
2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.
7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.
3) Geology: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust? 4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle. 5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.
correct answers:
8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest? 9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as? 10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.
1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus
kate’s answers 1) Parking garage 2) No answer 3) Tectonic plates 4) Circumference: All around the outside. Radius: Midpoint to the edge. Diameter: all the way across.
5) Making plastics 6) Spock 7) No answer 8) Jerusalem 9) RNA 10) No answer
kate's score: 3/10 correct
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Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?
for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”
• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it. • 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early. • 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it. • 14gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.
for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her. • 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to
protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun. • 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close. • 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box. • 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.
for the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change. • 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving. • 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3): Everything he eats
may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms. • 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache. • 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.
for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet. • 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix
this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays. • 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not. • 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit. • 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”
for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick? • 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you
by morning. • 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night? • 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important. • 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.
for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday-- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do. • 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can. • 4 Random shirts from the local
Goodwill ($4): When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings. • 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one. • 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.
the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME
Home Alone
A Christmas Story
Take a drink anytime a scene features hilarious head trauma. Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?” Take a drink when you notice product placement. Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey. Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting. Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall. Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”
Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams. Take a drink when Mom serves food. Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.” Take a drink when Randy whines or cries. Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker. Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference. Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up. Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose. Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story. Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced. Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting. Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys. Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.
Elf Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced. Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit. Take a drink when Buddy sings. Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to. Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned. Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them. Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas. Take a drink when something goes wrong. Take a drink when a calendar door is opened. Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose. Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree. Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie. Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation. Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.
The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument. Take a drink when bell rings or a clock tolls. Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly. Take a drink when someone says “humbug”, “Ebenezer” or “Scrooge.” Take a drink when Michael Cain gets teary-eyed. Take two drinks for each new ghost. Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes. Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”
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Quiz: What Christmas song are you?
3) It’s snowing! This means: A. St. Nick came! Maybe there are dollars in my shoes! B. Girls will be easily wooed into staying in warmer places. C. You get to bundle up in your cutest winter accessories. D. Death, things are finally dying. 4) People start reminiscing about past Christmases, and now it’s your turn to talk: A. You stare into the eyes of the most attractive mate and say “My favorite Christmas has yet to come.” B. “Last year my significant other and I stayed in and drank wine by the fire. It was so presh.” C. “Any time of year is good when the old man is too drunk to get mad.” D. “I can’t decide what Christmas I like the most! I LOVE THEM ALL!”
7) A group you are involved with decides to do a Secret Santa, you buy: A. Hot cocoa and wine :) B. Nothing, I’m sick and can’t leave my apartment… C. “Leftover” Magnum condoms. D. What’s the dollar limit!? I BUY THE BEST GIFTS! 8) You’re finally home for winter break, the first thing you do is: A. Help mom put up all the decorations! B. Send “I miss you,” texts to my significant other(s). C. Look for porn I might have hid in high school. D. Lay in my bed, reaching for my childhood innocence.
5: A=4 B=3 C=2 D=1 6: A=2 B=4 C=1 D=3
7: A=1 B=2 C=4 D=3 8: A=3 B=1 C=4 D=2
answer key:
6) What’s your favorite Christmas movie? A. The Nightmare Before Christmas. B. Barbie in a Christmas Carol. C. Love Actually!! D. Uh, It’s A Wonderful Life? Duh.
3: A=3 B=4 C=1 D=2 4: A=4 B=1 C=2 D=3
2) Someone invites you to the third Christmas Party of the weekend, you: A. Prefer to drink whiskey alone during the holidays. B. Say YES! I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME! C. Would rather have your own party, far away from campus. D. Will go if the guy to girl ratio is heavily in your favor.
5) At what age did you stop believing in Santa/any other winter holiday spirits: A. I believe Santa lives inside us, and comes out through passionate love making. B. NEVERRRRR!!!!!! C. When the old man re-gifted his half pack of cigarettes when I was six. D. I believe the Christmas Spirit lives on through love.
1: A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 2: A=2 B=3 C= 4 D=1
1) Studying for finals, you listen to: A. None other than our campus radio! The hits! B. My heartbeat and breath. C. Christmas Music!!!!!!! D. I prefer to sit by cute girls and listen to them breathe.
0-8 points: “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey: Well aren’t you just a preppy little love bird!? This song revolutionized Christmas by giving people an outright way to say “I want to have sex with you tonight.” So have some wine, wiggle your hips and point at anyone during the chorus, and Santa won’t be the only one coming on Christmas. 9-16 points: “Carol of the Bells”: You are very serious. Christmas is nothing more than a signifier of the endless passage of time. Christmas bells, snow, and cold weather only mark another year closer to death. People are out there starving, and here we are, worshipping capitalism and reveling in manufactured cheer. In the winter, we should just sit in front of the fireplace, waiting to die. 17-24 points: “Jingle Bell Rock”: You are just the worst. You’re the poster-child for the Christmas season, and everyone cringes at your unwavering enthusiasm this time of year. It looks like a Christmas bomb exploded in your apartment, and you just love having the sisters over to show it off. If the bar isn’t playing Christmas music, you’ll request it and dance your pants off. DANCE GOD DAMMIT IT’S CHRISTMAS BE HAPPY. 25-32 points: “Baby It’s Cold Outside”: For some reason, winter and Christmas bring out the creep in you. You are the rapiest of the Christmas songs, and unlike Mariah Carey, utterly fail at sexualizing Christmas. The cold weather just gives you a reason to tell girls their “lips look delicious,” and convince them they’ll catch pneumonia if they go outside. Yes, they’ll be way better off staying in your dank love-dungeon for sure.
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real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013
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Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing. Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays! But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing. Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays. Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all! But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea. Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop. Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted! But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.
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Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again. Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents! But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right. Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy! But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays. Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time! But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer. Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list! But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.
Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethnic friends’ memories do not, you racist. Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner! But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength. Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do. But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies. Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome! But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional. Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet. Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out! But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours. Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em. Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit! But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.
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