VIRGINIA FALL ISSUE 1 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all th fore e bo you oze hea you ded stol to s e cho ol.. .

FALL 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

ISSUE 1

A 5-STEP PLAN FOR 4TH YEARS THE OFFICIAL UVA TRANSFER SURVIVAL GUIDE BOYLAN’S BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E ! W N O I T A N R E I L A CAV

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Lauren Robertson ADVERTISING MANAGER You? WRITERS Micah Jones Susan Ortiz Phoebe Clark

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham OWNER Atish Doshi QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Kerry Lapallo GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER You? HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGER You?

ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 321 N. Clark, Suite 2550 Chicago, IL 60654 Contact Corporate: 312.224.8320 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.” Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game. I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

how to obtain money now that you’ve been fired from your summer job... JULIE wrote this

START HERE!

WHY DID YOU GET FIRED?

I’m just a bad employee

“Creative differences”

START HERE! how quickly do you need money?

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

so you have trouble with authority?

I’m a pure cinnamon roll

I could wait a few days Like, yesterday

Screw the “Man”

Enough I still own a flip phone

I wasn’t bullied for nothing

are you a hoarder?

do your parents love you?

We cool

thoughts on medical procedures?

Define “love”...

Maybe

Naw man

I’m open to options Hard pass

is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

are you cool with possibly being arrested?

No I don’t think so I would do sex stuff

what is your ideal vacation

I’m down

but are you smart?

Vegas, baby! Backpacking through Europe

are you feeling lucky?

Yeah, street smart

are you cute? E = extremely so Lucky to be alive

My mom says so!

Like a punk Hella cute

My stuff is

donate plasma

start gambling

marry rich

sell your crap online

beg your parents

become a hacker

Skills Needed: Ability to sit still for an hour, reliable transportation, and no fear of needles

Skills Needed: Luck of the Irish, respect for Native Americans, and a tolerance for a lot of cigarette smoke.

Skills Needed: Pretty head, good in bed, and ability to smell wealthy, gullible people like a bloodhound.

Skills Needed: An eBay account from 2008, packing peanuts, and complete lack of nostalgia for anything you used to own.

Skills Needed: Middle-to-upper class background, a good puppy-dog face, and no sense of self-respect.

Skills Needed: Ability to code, a friendship with the group Anonymous, and a “V for Vendetta” mask.

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you. Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now. Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits. Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home. Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates. So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice. 4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both. 3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday. 2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary! 1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that. By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later. ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week. TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it. Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 28th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once. GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you. You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd. Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 30th. CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 29th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 4th. VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 1st. LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft. They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside. Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 29th, they’ll want to ketchup with you. SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 29th. CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero. They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked. Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 2nd this week. AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once. Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you. Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 3rd. PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good. Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 4th.

JULIE wrote this

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s r e t i r w al n i g i r o d n a d e t n t e a l a y t a r d o o t gf y l n i p k p o o A l . m a e t We’re r ou n i o j o t

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ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0? BRIANNA, 2ND YEAR

“Go on a date with Double Swipe Dean.”

THE OFFICIAL UVA TRANSFER SURVIVAL GUIDE Micah Jones wrote this

UVa would like to give all of the matriculating students a warm, open-armed welcome while quickly maneuvering Thomas Jefferson’s teat into your mouth for suckling. We know how it feels: Overwhelming, exciting, and deeply arousing—we’ve been there too, don’t worry. Yet if you’re a transfer student, this might feel even more overwhelming because you don’t have a cute live-in nanny/helicopter parent/Resident Advisor to walk you to and from opening-week activities. We are fully aware of the suckage that is your life, so here are some tips from our survival guide for UVa transfer students: Learn the Campus: If you’re a transfer, you don’t give a shit that it’s called “Grounds,” you just want to get your diploma and get back to your kick-ass life. But this can be hard when you can’t tell the difference between Ruffner and Ruffin (and for the record, there’s a big difference). We advise that you walk through your daily schedule a few times while asking people where certain buildings are. UVa students usually don’t bite, so don’t worry too much.... *evil laughter* Learn the Lingo: Okay, so we get that you don’t give a shit about it being called “Grounds;” but you may not understand that students at the University of Virginia take our lingo very seriously. Unless you want to end up like a bad headline about the First Year Players, just suck it up and call him TJ...we know you want to. Talk to Your Advisor: This one is super crucial. Transfer students are on the low end of the food chain— so low that T-Sully will quite literally eat you because of your stringy and gangly appearance— which means that most of your academic burdens rest solely on your shoulders. Please don’t end up graduating without fulfilling your foreign language requirement because that would just be floizheo (totally German for “really bad”and not a made-up language that we just invented). Join Groups: You should get involved, but always understand in what. If you want athletic stuff, join a team (duh), if you want freaky, get

involved with Brown College, and if you want music, go back to Romani you fucking vampire, we don’t like your kind here. You should also understand that the tour guide people will suck your soul away while being cheerful and attractive...and you don’t get paid for that shit, so maybe you should focus on your first writing requirement instead of when Clark Hall was built.

HADEN, 2ND YEAR “Transfer to Tech.”

Pick a Library...Except Clemons: Find yourself a study spot, as far away from Clemons as possible! Clemons is like the death trap for GPA. It’s like Dean Papovich is standing over you with a fiery trident demanding that you lose .5 on your GPA for every minute you spend inside Clemons. Let the first years screw up, that’s what they’re there for. This way, they’ll serve as T-Sully’s delicious appetizer (disclaimer: hopefully Theresa Sullivan is not actually a cannibal who eats first years). Learn to Thrive in the Hate: Every time you tell people you’re a transfer student, they will ask you where you transferred from. Why does that even matter? We don’t exactly know. At any rate, “Your mom” is not the right response to give to a professor (trust us, we tried it). The better option is to make up a pretentious sounding school like Westingfullmiddletrentonblithyress University. People will eat that shit up here. Rake in Brownie Points: There is so much shit you can get away with by telling people you’re a transfer student. You can get into closed classes, into programs whose deadlines have passed, and into Thomas Jefferson’s secret man cave beneath Ruffner... or was it Ruffin...we can’t remember. Regardless, just pull the transfer card as much as possible. This is hardly a complete list of things to do, but it will help you stay ahead right out of the gate. As transfers you aren’t coddled like the fetus first years, nourishing themselves of TJ’s teat milk. The Jefferson boob and cannibal T-Sully jokes will make sense to you next year. Don’t worry. You can fake it until you make it. You learn that from Your mom.

GABBY, 1ST YEAR

“Streak The Lawn in broad daylight.”

BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

KATY AT BOYLAN HEIGHTS

Relationship Status: Single Major: Media studies Favorite Drink: Tequila Sunrise Favorite Shot: Lemon Drop Disgusting Drink: Horse Jizz (Beer and milk. Yeah, it’s a thing.) What’s going to be all the drinkin’ rage this school year?: Always vodka cranberries. Bitches love a good vodka cran. Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeout sesh in Boylan?: Nowhere. You can’t hide from me. I see everything. What’s the best thing that happened to you this

summer?: Swimming with dolphins. What’s something you wish someone told you when you were a first year?: If he’s still ugly after 5 drinks, give up. Which 2 swear words are best put together?: Fuck and shit What is the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: Light beer What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: Otter Why should people read The Black Sheep?: For a good laugh.

FACING FOURTH YEAR: A FIVE-STEP PLAN Katy Cornell wrote this Hey fourth years. How many times have you been asked this past summer about your plans for life after college? 62? Sounds about right. Most of you are stressing out, and dreading your “last time” doing everything around Grounds. Don’t. Fourth year is going to be all sweet, and no bitter. You’re older. Wiser. Definitely cooler. When the nostalgia sets in, here are 5 exciting and comforting things to remember: 5.) The Ghosts of Fourth Years Past: A majority of the people you have embarrassed yourself in front of have graduated. At this point, three whole classes worth of folks who have witnessed some serious slip-ups are currently forgetting about you in the real world. Though you think, every night, about that one time during second year you accidentally texted your class partner “Let’s make out!” (huge miscommunication), that’s far off his radar by now. He also isn’t thinking about the time you accidentally knocked him out on the Trinity stairs exactly one semester later. There is no time to reminisce about the Good Old Days in the real world, as it is very busy and stimulating. 4.) Who cares?: In the same vein as above, there are really a limited amount of times you can embarrass yourself. Chances are you maxed out after you fell down the stairs in Chem 402 and flashed your peers and professor on the way down. And if you feel your cheeks getting red after some mortifying word vomit, just compare it to whatever you did first year that was more embarrassing. Voila: You don’t give a duck. You can basically do whatever you want now and not feel shit. 3.) Legality: You’re 21! Now you can actually buy the alcohol you drink. You can just breeze into those intimidating and elusive joints like Bilt and Virg. You can exercise your generosity and hand off another copy of your ID to your favorite first year. If you’re not 21, maybe you almost are. Thrilling! And if you’re not almost 21, did you begin college as a 12 year old prodigy and slip through the spotlight because Yik Yak wasn’t a thing yet? Hmm. Drop hints to your friends to plan you a surprise Sweet Sixteen at Jump C’Ville. 2.) The List of 116 Things To Do Before You Graduate: If you’re ambitious and legit, go forth and seek out The Real Crozet. Take out your pent-up finals aggression in front of a locked Bodo’s early one morning by elbowing enemies out of the way for the #1 ticket. Go wine

tasting at Pippin and take pictures of your friends looking mad classy. Heck, bring the selfie-stick. Joy ride a UTS bus. Huzzah. 1.) Traditions: You can now participate in the 4th year fifth, rather than help out behind the scenes. Some younger kid will fetch you something to vomit in. Code words: I’m gonna throw up. Feeling better? Well, here’s one last reason to face 4th Year with a huge smile on your face and a kick-ass attitude: the memories you’ve made at UVa. The Sharpied frat letters you’ve scrubbed off your hands. Your misshapen toe that reminds you of First Year Formal (in a good way). What good times you’ve had. The best of the best part is, there is another whole year of fun to be had, and it’s with the buds that you’ve known and loved for a while now. Let’s start our victory lap, hoos.

PAGE 10

THE TOP TEN

THINGS THAT DEFINITELY CHANGED THIS SUMMER AT UVA

CHINESE HACKERS VS. HOOS: WHO WILL LOSE? Susan Ortiz wrote this

Students, you’re well aware per email from T-Sully herself that China has been trying to hack UVa’s computer system. Well, not trying, succeeding. The email states that there was no known reason as to why China chose UVa as its victim, but we’re here to tell you otherwise. Today, the sleuths of The Black Sheep dug deep into the hackers’ methods and uncovered what they were really after: our season tickets. You can kiss all of those Orange Passport points you’ve been saving since first year goodbye. These hackers are desperate to get into every single home game here at UVa. Hoos rocked the world this past year with all of their impressive records and National Championship titles. With China’s economy on the rocks, they can’t risk missing a game because of pesky ticket prices and convenience fees. Their best bet is to gain access to all of the tickets saved for students. Many of you may be wondering how the hackers managed to break into SIS. If you’re thinking only one stupid bird could be behind this anarchy, you’re correct-- some Hokie engineers helped out with the takeover. Turns out, China and Virginia Tech have been cooking up this plan for years. Originally they were planning on sneaking into the UVa engineering building, but all of the construction on McCormick caught them off guard (truth be told, we don’t even know how to work our way around it all). Instead, they had to do a little extra studying to crack into the world of SIS from afar. Once in the system, the dynamic hacking duo sent out an email notifying all students to change their passwords. You all thought that was actually ITS administration trying to protect you? After you all handed over your information, the hackers stole all of the Orange Passport points you’ve been saving. To assuage the outrage, T-Sully already sent out an email survey asking about the best way to deal with this whole mess, but students feel like they’re basically reliving the entire decision about moving graduation. “Would you prefer to watch your Hoos from the comfort of a viewing lounge in New Cabell, or experience game day courtesy of the shitty projection screens and terrible seating at Boylan Heights?” True fans will not stand —or sit somewhere else for that matter—for this nonsense. UVa fans will stop at nothing to ensure they’re heard. Hoos have a big football game coming up against Notre Dame, but they’re not going to be watching from the comfort of Scott Stadium as of now. ND may be the Fighting Irish, but the Cavs are going to have to fight their way into their own home field. Cavaliers really only have one option moving forward: take back what is rightfully theirs! It’s time to band together and come up with a way to get students their tickets back! Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Hoos must act quickly, and act now, to beat this new, hacked system. China really isn’t messing around when it comes to Cavalier sports, but students will stop at nothing short of getting their seats back to cheer on their teams to victory. Game on!

For those who didn’t spend the summer in C’ville, here are 10 things that definitely changed while you were gone. 10.) Student Information System: After years of students complaining that SIS was designed in complex, convoluted manner, and in general made absolutely no sense, UVa programmers decided to downgrade to a simpler design. It is now called “Little SIS” due to the theory that even your five-year-old sister could work it. 9.) UVa Dining: Instead of giving our dining scene another face-lift, UVa has gone straight to the heart of the matter. In light of a negative text review referring to our dining as “Hell’s Kitchen,” UVa decided to take this sarcastic comment quite literally and hired Gordon Ramsay as the Head Chef for all of the dining halls. Despite his notorious bad attitude, UVa Dining has no doubt that Miss Kathy’s perpetually sunny disposition will make an optimist of him yet. 8.) Dorm Life: Old dorms now have AC for the first time in sixty years. No longer will first-years sing “it’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes” as they undress down to the bare minimum in a failed attempt to stay cool on move-in week. 7.) Construction: The construction has not only ended, but it was completed ahead of schedule! Some people thought it would be here forever, haunting our nightmares, looming dark and unfinished above our heads, and worst of all ruining any chance of true old-fashioned streaking. But no longer! We can streak in peace once more! 6.) TJ’s Return: Periodically throughout the summer semesters, TJ himself made an appearance in the ectoplasmic form which he now bears, utilizing his supernatural powers to return from the grave and see what his university became in the centuries after his death. Rumor has it that TJ even paid a visit to T-Sully herself, and suggested in no uncertain terms that the Rotunda be finished posthaste. 5.) Streaking: T-Sully decided to celebrate the Rotunda scaffolding coming down once and for all by making streaking the Lawn part of UVa’s graduation requirements. Regardless of your school or major, you must streak the Lawn at some point in your time here or else you will not receive your diploma. If you don’t complete this requirement before graduation, you must do it at graduation. 4.) Grit Café: After a mob of angry UVa students united with hipster Charlottesville locals and stormed Grit Café while wearing Para Coffee t-shirts and chanting “Para Coffee, Para-mount!” the highly-disapproved-of name “Grit Café” has expired and the coffee shop officially changed its name back to Para Coffee. 3.) Identity Crisis: While Para Coffee rediscovered itself, one small restaurant on the Corner is in identity crisis. Poe’s Public House/ Eddy’s Tavern/Number 5…. or was it 3? The little spot that has changed hands and names so many times has once again decided to shake things up. The owners took down the old sign and replaced it with one that says “The Place that Must Not Be Named”, because they have acknowledged that regardless of their constant effort to come up with a clever name for this restaurant, no one is ever going to know what it’s really called. 2.) The Fence: Ever since its creation, UVa students have fought to destroy the pointless fence. Even fence-enthusiast Donald Trump agreed, and in the latest presidential debate he declared that “the train track fence is awful, and somebody needs to tear it down, even if I have to do it myself.” While not everyone agrees with his politics, we can all thank him for making UVa realize how stupid the fence truly was. 1.) Justin Anderson: When he told us that he was leaving UVa to go to the draft, every Wahoo died a little inside. But, like his impressive moves on the court, he pulled a fast one on us, and slam dunked for the win of our hearts as he is returning to UVa instead of pursuing a real career with the Dallas Mavericks! Thank you, Justin, for coming back to us like a love song.

Phoebe Clark wrote this

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staff wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka. Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation. Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though. Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin. - The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.” - A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur. User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed by Predator 2 later on?” - “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.” - “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…” You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights. Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.” What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart. Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truffles, perfume. We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance. Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang. - For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot. - Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that. - When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose. - If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place. - If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. - Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface. - Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine. - Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.” - Wait a certain amount of time, you decide. - Carefully remove from oven. - Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester. - Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts. Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner. Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart. You’ve got a real mess on your hands. Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day. In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole. Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy. Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole. Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe. Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair. Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain. Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system. STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested. STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next. STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs. It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot. STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time. STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name. But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not. Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.) 2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year

8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

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