The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 2 9/13/12 - 9/19/12
Wait List Magic
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
Pierce Bishop wrote this
It is such an annoyingly political time of year. So much jostling for position, constant viewing of figures to see who is in the lead, checking on multiple websites to see the latest moves…yeah, the time of year where the wait list game is at its peak is grueling. But what really pushes some people into a class and not others? The professors, of course. If you think it’s SIS then you’re on the same thing the professors are on (seriously, making a career out of purportedly enlightening the minds of the youth…really?). Yes, we are all aware that they say it’s out of their hands, but somehow you magically get jumped over on the wait list by some person way at the back of the line. Then, there are those people who always seem to be on the wait list but never miss out on being in the class. With no obvious rash of murders, you wonder how they do it. Canoodling? Cavorting? Sake bombs? Professor worship? It really isn’t clear. Now, many of you may think it is always the girls that get in, especially the hot ones. Not really, folks. In fact, most of the girls that get in late like that, if from a questionable liaison, would have gotten in from a Monica Lewinsky- President Clinton situation. Besides, professors normally know better than to be that obviously creepy; they save their creepiness for a different realm (fascist obsession, talk of women beating, their collection of China dolls). Again, they’re professors so they have to keep that “unique” thing going in their lives. No, the way people get in is by brown nosing, sucking up, fawning…you choose the phrase, but you know what it is. This is “that guy” who goes to office hours…the first week. They introduce themselves after the first class to say, “I’m not enrolled in the class yet but I just must take this class before leaving the prestigious University of Virginia. You come so highly regarded by my former professors.” Oh, the seed has been planted. They think, “oh, yes, that’s right, I am renowned across Grounds.” They do that little mental fist pump, but that brown noser has only just whetted the professor’s appetite with their seed. There must be some way to keep the affair going. Boom! Then comes the office hour. Hello again. You may not remember my name but it’s…
Why, it is indeed, my boy. Do you have a certain fascination with him as I do myself? Like no other, professor! I find his depiction of light and space of the utmost intrigue.
No! Of course, I remember you said Professor whatshisname had mentioned my book on…
You are such a fine lad! I’m sorry did you say you were not enrolled before? Let me resolve this post-haste using my magic deSIStifyer.
I’m sorry to interrupt but is that a calendar containing works by Hopper?
Yup, just like that, we all lose. “That guy” just went in and faked a love for an American painter…AN AMERICAN PAINTER. Come
collier’s: towing your life away.
doubly so, if you’re living in your car.
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what’s inside tas 101
An introductory course in managing the grey area between professor and student.
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on, he doesn’t know who Hopper is. He thinks Picasso is Play-Doh for adults and Impressionism is doing his Christopher Walken voice. Nevertheless, dude jumped your spot on the SIS wait list… magically, with actual magic. What are we to do? YOU WILL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT. Wait, no, worse…you will be banished to a Monday-Wednesday-Friday 9 a.m. Gender Studies class in Cabell basement. You may now embrace your sorrow and irrelevance. Take caution when re-examining your dignity as these contents certainly shifted during the fight to get into the class.
I’ll Try the Next Size Up...
Only after you try another eclair, fatty fat-fat.
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contents page 5: the top ten first years you saw this weekend.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 7: from the streets Where would you meet for a Sunday morning study group?
Table of
page 9: Confessions of a Campus House Pet So this is why they shit on your carpet.
page 12: bartender of the week andrew w. at boylan will be your bud for a bud
page 13: an inside look at: the untold horror of the girl’s bathroom. girls are supposed to be unicorns and rainbows, not hairballs and used tampons.
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! k e e W e h t f o c Pi
Hi everyone, My name is Jake, I’m the Campus Manager of The Black Sheep here on Grounds. The staff and I are very excited to bring The Black Sheep to UVa this fall, and we hope you’ll enjoy our unique brand of humor that has flourished at other schools across the country. Everyone who contributes to The Black Sheep, from editors to advertising reps to writers are all full-time UVa students dedicated to splitting the sides of our peers, so we hope that you’ll pick up a copy of the paper every week. We are in every dining hall, library, and multiple locations on The Corner. We pride ourselves in bringing you the real news here at the University, from the best places to get your 4 o’clock post-class drink on to the best first year transgressions over the weekend. So wake up, have some of that magical hangover curing orange juice and read a copy of The Black Sheep, a college newspaper that is actually about college. -Jake
Sexy Anagrams
Taking beer goggles to the next level... (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
A Safari Grove
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Each Honk Trust last week’s answers
Amber Heard & Taylor Kitsch
word of the week Spinsturd:
A piece of poop that wraps all the way around the bowl of a toilet. “Hey Jeff, come look at this spinsturd I dropped after eating all that cheese!”
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theblacksheeponline.com
Collier’s: Towing Your Life Away Pierce Bishop wrote this Was it risky? Well, not exactly. There were plenty of empty spots. Also, there is no way your neighbor will be back or give a damn that your car is in their “assigned” spot. This is fungible.
The hell it’s a hundred…it was $75 20 minutes ago.
And then, there was that all-too-familiar tow truck.
End call, forcefully. You mosey back to the ATM machine and see beer money flying away like birds at the sound of a gun. The anger that rages through you at your neighbor (even though that civil term is not one you want to use) and his unfathomable bitch move is unparalleled. Really, who the hell does that? Where did you really need to go? The most social thing you’ve ever done, mister, is go to a student council bar hour…with other whack jobs like you. At least you’ll get your car in the morning. Damn your neighbor and damn Collier’s.
As always, we are moments too late as the towperson oozes back into his cockpit with your car attached to his chariot like some slain cow. Off you run, stupidly thinking he will turn around and let your car off scot-free. That will be $75…straight cash, homie. I don’t have that in my wallet; can’t I pick it up in a few minutes? Sure can…
Price goes up if we tow it back.
hi, i’m here to pick up that Trailblazer for $100.
Will it still be $75?
$100?
Sure will…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “$100 question mark”?
Wrong. You arrive 20 minutes later to Collier’s Towing’s “lot” that stands in embarrassing disrepair only to learn that they are now closed, but you can call their office. That makes no sense… THEY’RE CLOSED. Conniving bastards. Nevertheless, you call like the pitiful person you are.
That’ll be $125, boy.
I’d like to pick up my car in the morning I guess. That’ll be $100…cash.
The urge to commit terrible atrocities does not subside, but you hand over what seems like all the money you have in the world. Handles of bourbon and cases of Natty…whoosh…gone. Those oh-so-necessary late night Little John’s Chiptole Chickens…also vanished. But, to whom are you handing this money? Did you get a receipt? Nope. Was there anything “official” aside from the name on the truck? No way. What about ANY way of keeping records in their “office”? HELL NO.
We’ve been scammed. All cash exchanges, no receipts, lack of organization, lack of what is commonly referred to as a building…indeed, whatever these guys are fronting must be pretty lucrative because they do a damn good job of keeping it under wraps. Puppy mill? Prostitution? Crack house (you wouldn’t be surprised given the shape the building is in)? A business has been made that preys on UVA students and our quickly-shrinking ability to be confrontational as the “employees” are large enough to have their own gravitational fields. In truth, there is that story of the one kid that had an “altercation” with an employee and they found him a week later…in their navel. Point is, Collier’s has us by our collective hoo-nads and they will not let go. What’s the solution? Don’t be a dick. Just put a simple sticky note on your neighbor’s door or car if they park in your spot. There is no way they have done anything to you that warrants a journey through Hell even Dante finds frightening. Oh, yeah, and just don’t park in the Bank of America lot…ever. That’s on you.
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Lauren Bryant wrote this
The Top 10 First Years You Saw This Weekend
10) “Who do you know?”: “Umm... I know John, Matt, Alex, Will and Steven…” “I’m Steven.” (an awkward silence ensues whereby the first year will try to correct her mistake.) 9) The first year walking barefoot on Rugby Road: Although her stripper heels may have completed her outfit, they’re definitely not making it through the night. It might make for a sad sight, but at least she’s getting bonus points for being so ambitious.
It’s that time again. Six o’clock on a Thursday night. You thought you were done with classes for the day—but no. Now that you’ve spent three hours in your sweatpants relaxing in your apartment, you have to get dressed, get your books, and catch the bus to a discussion. Almost all of us pay the price of no Friday classes in the form of the weeknight discussion. Less common, however, are great TAs that lead these discussions. While they are a rarity, they do occur. Sometimes you’ll have a super TA: one that asks thoughtprovoking questions, is very knowledgeable about the material, grades fairly, can actually teach. A great TA can also have a good sense of humor, an easygoing personality, and if you’re really lucky, overwhelming sexiness. However, the TAs that make your discussion lively and enjoyable are far and few between. Since they aren’t real teachers, many TAs struggle to make discussions fun. You know the type: the awkward, gangly guy who looks like he belongs in the 7th grade, but is pretending to be old enough to be a TA for undergrads. He doesn’t really know how to move the discussion along smoothly and asks confusing questions, causing the students to start looking awkwardly around the room or scribbling something in their notebook so that they don’t have to answer the question. We’ve all been in that discussion where the TA asks a question and waits for ten minutes in awkward silence for someone to answer before finally asking the question differently. Unfortunately, this is fairly common in discussions, and when we get stuck in that situation, we thank our lucky stars that discussion is only once per week and remind ourselves that it could be worse. How could it be worse? Well, sometimes you get a bad TA that teaches your
entire class. The best way to describe this situation is with one word: confusion. You walk into class the first day and are confused by the fact that you couldn’t distinguish your TA from the rest of the class because he’s wearing gym clothes. Or how about when the TA is confused by the questions you ask and his answer is even more confusing than the thing you were asking about? Students constantly write, and they’ll end up scratching out what they just wrote because the TA got confused in the middle of what he was explaining and decided something else was correct. Then, those very same students are confused by their notes later. Studying for the test, they realize that they forgot to scratch something out, now there’s two contradictory statements right next to each other. Which one is right? Who knows? Ask a bad TA, you’ll get something along the lines of, “Well two plus two equals four when…uh…but sometimes, it doesn’t because of this and this and this, but when it does, then you do this, and actually, sorry I was wrong, it really does this so that you can do that”. Now you’re even more confused than you were to begin with. TAs can be super. They can be very insightful, helpful people that enrich your school experience. Luckily, when you catch a bad one, there are usually other resources to help you out like the professor or a tutor. The thing to remember is that being a TA is tough, and they get points for trying even if it’s not the most enjoyable thing to be sitting in a room talking about the Great Depression at dinnertime (the best time of the day). Besides, isn’t it worth the benefits of no Friday classes and therefore, thirsty Thursdays and long weekends? Think of all the possibilities!
8) “I’m not a lightweight”: This is the downfall of most first years their first few times out. They may be trying to impress others but, it’s truly only the third time they’ve come across Natty Light in copious amounts and will try to overachieve as a result. This will be followed by their first hangover. 7) She can and she will: Is that your fourth year fraternity brother over there making out with a first year? YES. She’s trying to check the walk of shame off her list of things to do while she’s at it. She’ll not have the sense to realize what a one-night stand means, only to fall in love with him. 6) The roommates: “Oh my gosh, we r so totally bonding right now.” “I hope we join the same sorority so we can be sisters 4 lyfeee.” “I luv you.” All the excessive love will ferment itself into excessive hate by the end of the year. By this point, they will have already signed their housing contract for the next year. Oh, they’ll severely regret it come next October. 5) Hall bonding!: The pack is being led by one slightly more informed first year. They closely resemble lemmings in the sense that if one falls off the cliff the rest do as well. Safety in numbers? 4) Club Clemons anyone?: This first year can be seen walking back from Clemons on a Friday night as all his counterparts are heading out to Rugby Road. Although the first week’s assignments all consisted of reading the syllabi, he will find himself work to do anyway. On his first exam, he will also get a better grade than the fourth years in the class. 3) Frat star in the making: This guy has eight girls revolving around him like the planets in the solar system. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, nonetheless he’s making some middle-tier fraternity very, very happy. 2) “I have a boyfriend”: You’re dancing with her, but once it starts to get hot she turns around to say those dreaded words. She’s been dating him for two years, he’s the only one she’s ever been with and they’re “staying together” throughout all four years of college, even though he’s going to school at Tech. 1) Abstinence: This first year is going to go to her first and last fraternity party, she’ll spend the rest of the year abstaining, both sexually and recreationally. She will look and feel totally out of place and nothing is going to change her mind about her moral code of conduct. While somewhat commendable, this first year is never going to branch out, marrying the first guy that meets her vaguely-defined idea of chivalry.
Alessandra Hope wrote this
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I’ll Try the Next Size Up…
theblacksheeponline.com
Spencer Schloss wrote this
Weight gain in college is like the common cold—everyone gets it, and there is no avoiding it. You may think all is well with your BMI, but little by little you will notice that you are struggling a little longer than usual to shimmy into your favorite pair of skinny jeans. You will ignore the crushing sensation surrounding your abdomen and justify that as long as they still zip, they fit. Then one day the flab rolls peak and you find yourself on the phone with dear old mom choking out the words, “I…I think I need some new clothes…” Rationalizing that your weight gain is due to increased muscle mass from walking around Grounds is not a valid explanation. Are you still in denial that you have succumbed to this horrific disease? Here are some tell-tale symptoms. You arrive home from the library at approximately 12:30 a.m., long after Greenberry’s has closed its doors and refused you one last mocha mint java shake. Your sense of hunger is overwhelming, but all you can find is a frozen English muffin. Being the rational UVa student that you are, you resort to defrosting it with a hairdryer. After the “night of the frozen muffin”, you vow to only have a yogurt for breakfast. Alas, the disease sneaks up on you and forces you to submit to the pancakes, always choosing whole wheat batter to justify the extra calories. You tell yourself that eating healthy will start…after breakfast. However, a bleep of your phone indicates that the UVa mail service has a package for you! Little do you know that this is a care package from your loving fam consisting of every imaginable candy to provide the necessary sugar rush to survive those 75-minute classes.
Rationalization kicks in again and you promise to only eat a few pieces a day. Unfortunately, when you wake up on Saturday morning you find that your late night drunchies got the best of you. This is the low point of the disease. By now, guilt has set in and you and your roommate make a pact to diet…only to commence the endeavor with some Reese’s you missed the night before. First years seem to catch this disease worse than anyone. This can most often be associated with the freedom bestowed upon them in the dining hall. All you can eat for one meal swipe triggers a sense of power and entitlement among first years. Exclamations of, “Who’s ready for round four?! Ice milk and cereal are on me!” are not few and far between. Recovery is a long process. Don’t be discouraged when you see your parents after a few weeks and your dad asks why you have bagels pasted to your cheeks. It’s okay if people start mistaking you for those crazy C-Ville chipmunks; at least they’re cute, right? Right?
Some of the possible remedies for this vicious disease include severing off your upper appendages so you are unable to reach out for that last cookie at O-Hill, wiring your mouth shut, which results in only consuming liquids, living by the mentality of “if it tastes good then you definitely shouldn’t eat it,” or you could simply make the trek to the AFC and try burning off the calories from that irresistible slice of Christian’s pizza.
Getting rid of this disease requires an understanding of caloric intake. To the girl who yells in sobbing exasperation, “How did I gain so much weight?! I don’t even drink beer, only vodka!” Sorry, honey, but you’re better off with a Bud Light than that adorable cranberry vodka.
Remember, it’s a normal part of going to college, but try and remind yourself that liquor does have calories, Dunkaroos really don’t taste that much better at 2a.m., and justifying that ice milk isn’t ice cream doesn’t really help.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
You have a Sunday morning study group. Where would you meet? Well, Clemons- it’s like the default I’m used to when studying with my friends. - Mariam
Definitely a place with morning food, like Bodo’s. - Geoffrey
Probably not a coffee shop, because that’s distracting, and not someone’s house, because that can get distracting too. I would personally probably do Clemons. - Virginia
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
The Grid
Sunday Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
Happy Hours Specials: $3 Apps/$3 Margaritas Late Night Drink Specials: $2 VA Gentleman Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
Grad School Night! $2 Drafts & $2 Bourbon
We have Felix and Awesome T-Shirts
4-7 $2 Drafts
Enjoy a happy hour whilst kicking your friends’ butt in Connect 4 (other games available)
Freaky Friday Free Garlic Knots with any 18’’ Large Pizza
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
College Football Day!
Grab a bucket of beer and hang out on the balcony.
Gameday Show your game ticket and get $4 off any order
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
$3 Pitchers
Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
SUNDAY 9/16
Closed
MON. 9/17
$5 Big Burritos Late Night Drink Specials: $10 Mexican Beer Buckets $5 Malibu Long Islands Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
Happy Hour Specials: $5 pitchers w/Any App! Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Sauza Tequila Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
TUES. 9/18
Happy Hour Specials: $1 Tacos Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 Rails/Green Card Member Deals Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
Happy Hour Specials: $6 Fajitas Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 BL 16oz. Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
WED. 9/19
FRIDAY 9/14
Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
MONDAY: 4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
SAT. 9/15
THURS. SPECIAL 9/13 NIGHT
Rapture
Happy Hour Specials: All you can eat tacos Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Pitchers of Baja Gold Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
4-7 $2 Drafts $2 Rails
Boylan Dance Night 10pm
Over 80 Bottled Beers
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Salsa Night lesson at 7, dance party at 8
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Dane Alderson & Friends 10:00 PM (Free) Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
10 Constantly Changing Taps
Locally sourced food from sustainable farms
Every Day: Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails from 3 Until 7
UmlautGoth & Industrial Dance Party 10:00 PM
Wahoo Wednesday
$10 XL Cheese Pizza All Day
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Charlottesville Music Showcase 10:00 PM (FREE)
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Confessions of a Campus House Pet
page 9
kitty kat wrote this I’ve always been your typical fat cat who enjoys naps near an open window and tossing my felt mouse from paw to paw. I’m not one for snuggling or purring against the ear. I’m a lush for catnip and a good roll in kitty litter, but other than that, I’m not the friendliest pussy around. Regardless, my owner Hillary hasn’t gone one day without planting a sickening kiss on top of my head or hugging me into oblivion before bed. That’s why I almost gagged on a hair ball the day that she brought me off to college with her for her sophomore year. Between her homework and part-time job at Boylan Heights, she barely had time to keep my milk bowl full. Bitch. So I was surprised when she brought somebody new home: an ugly, furry bunny. That hideous thing had beady, red eyes, and it couldn’t aim its piss to save its life. One day I was lounging and watching a stoned Hillary force-feed that fuzzy asshole some crisp baby carrots. Within seconds, it started choking until it eventually flopped over and remained motionless. Hillary looked sad for a few minutes, but then scooped up the body, tossed it in an empty plastic bag, and brought it out to the dumpster. A few days later Hillary bought a squirrely little hamster. It lasted for a week or so until one night when Hillary came home from the bars with a half empty beer bottle. She didn’t know it, but I saw exactly what that sneaky girl did. With an evil glint in her eye, she emptied the remains of the
bottle right into the hamster’s dish and coaxed him to take a drink. After a few minutes, the pathetic thing swayed right to left and collapsed. This time there was no mourning; Hillary picked it up barehanded and tossed it in the trash. I started to grow concerned. Were these just careless accidents or something more? Was an intoxicated college student really capable of taking care of another being, when she really couldn’t take care of herself? I found myself growing restless and anxious when I was alone in the apartment with her. I flinched at any noise I heard, and flickers of light across the wall sent me flying. Just the sight of Hillary caused my fur to rise. Was she coming for me next? Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Hillary brought home a puppy. Normally I hate those damn yappy things, but I felt bad because I knew what was coming. Hillary hosted a party, and the place was wall-to-wall with people. The dog was annoying, humping random legs and licking people’s toes. Hillary shut him up in the bedroom with me and threw a plastic cup at him for a toy. Within minutes the dog had ripped it apart and swallowed every last inch of plastic. A few gags, a whimper, then nothing. I sat frozen on the bed, terrified. Later, when Hillary found his body, she just kicked it out of the way, under her bed. After Hillary passed out I snuck under the bed to give the puppy a proper burial. The puppy was still alive, but was
bleeding profusely from his mouth and anus caused by internal lacerations from the jagged pieces of Solo cup. I asked him if he had trouble breathing because of the blood coming from his mouth. He said he wasn’t actually bleeding from the mouth, but had earlier attempted to eat his anus blood, mistaking it for runny diarrhea. At this point I remembered why I hated dogs so much. However, what he said next will remain with me until the day I die. He said, “I just don’t understand why college students buy animals that they are only going to neglect. Don’t they realize that they are assholes? Total assholes?” and then closed his eyes.
As long as the entertainment industry ignores the internet and continues to pour money into cable television, we will continue to be bombarded by mind-numbing commercials. Take some smiling middle-class twenty-somethings with nice jobs and cool clothes, inject a few minorities, and voila, you’ve got yourself a commercial. Despite being material girls in this material world, The Black Sheep wondered what would happen if advertising execs stepped out of their money caves and into the real world. What would these commercials look like if their commercials just dropped the pretence and said what the company was really trying to convey? By: Quinn and Brendan
Miller Lite
5-Hour Energy
Hey dude! Yeah you, sitting alone on the couch! Look at us bros on the TV, drinkin’ Miller Lites and razzin’ each other like dudes do. Look at all the hot girls around us! Look at how hot that bartender is!
Got that been-drinking-for-3-days-straight feeling and it’s only Friday? Second day of frothy acidic coffee shits? Too pussy to reach out to an acquaintance for Adderall? Try 5-Hour Energy. It might trick you into thinking it’s working.
Why are you sitting alone, drinking water and watching football like a pansy? Who does that? No one here does that! Join us, crack open a cold Miller brew and you’ll never look back. You’ll be at a tailgate or a not-decrepit sports bar with your pals! Don’t have any pals? You will if you drink Miller Lite! But if you’re thinking about drinking anything else besides a Miller Lite you can see yourself through the God dammed door. Go ahead, order whatever is on special, and watch as your new hot friends and bartenders call you out for being such a pussy. Drinking anything else is unmanly, you might as well push your penis up inside yourself and wear lipstick.
You are a man, aren’t you? Men have beards, watch football and have sex on women that resemble Grecian goddesses. They don’t, above all else, drink “whatever.” You might as well be some sort of tight jean-wearin’, soccer watchin’, he-she who doesn’t know what good beer tastes like. Our beer is good, and that’s why we’ve invented bottles and cans that funnel it down your throat as fast as possible.
AXE Body Spray
Listen, you’re a hard-working person who doesn’t have time to make coffee. While your co-workers sit in the dark pit that is their cubicle, drinking latte after latte and thinking about hanging themselves in the shower later, you’re chock-full of B-Vitamins and Guarana – it’s basically gasoline for humans! Drink a 5-Hour energy every morning and you won’t not be not having sex and running on treadmills before dawn! DAWN! You don’t need to nurse your hangover with “food” or “sleep,” 5-Hour Energy has everything your body needs in a 1.93 oz package! Plus, you won’t crash!*
Hello there, our very stoned friend. Sure, you could change the channel, but that remote is literally three feet away, and after that fourth bong rip we both know you’re not lifting a finger.
Well, it’s because you’re not getting enough of that sweet, sweet pussy.
Instead, we’re going to show you some images of delicious, low-rent Tex-Mex food. Yeah, look at the way we drape that velvety cheese-flavored wax blend all over finelyground possum assholes. Right now you’re wishing you could fire that gooey goodness into a spoon and inject it straight into your cholesterol-laden bloodstream. Oh, but we’re not done yet. After that we’re going full-on H.A.M., wrapping that bitch up in flour tortilla, smothering that thing in cheese, then wrapping another deep-fried corn tortilla around that diarrhea missile. Sure, you’re going to shit your pants later, but that just means you can shove some more Type-2 Diabetes down your gullet.
The problem isn’t your general disgust towards mainstream music, movies, television shows and books. It’s not your obsession with Minecraft. It isn’t your greasy, unwashed hair, or your chain wallet, or the black jean short and Queensryche t-shirt combo you sport in the middle of December. Nope, you’re not fist-deep in freshman snatch right now because you don’t smell like a dumpster behind a strip club. You need to get in the car right now and head to your nearest department store. Park
*In you won’t crash the airplane you’re not flying. An emotional crash, however, is guaranteed. Imminently.
Taco Bell
Sitting alone in a corner? Does the scent of self-loathing seep through your pores? Feeling like you’re slowly slipping away from the world because you exist on a different plane of being?
So listen up loser, you need some Axe Dark Temptation Body Spray before you put that Glock to your temple and double tap your way to the big Poon Tang Palace in the sky.
So get to the store and grab yourself a case. Stock your cabinets with 5-Hour Energy, people won’t think you’re a psychopath, they’ll think your smart and awesome! Are you a boring old office worker? You should drink 5-hour energy! Are you a boring old construction worker? You should drink 5-Hour Energy! Are you an inmate snowman? 5-Hour Energy!
in a handicap spot, because if we’re being realistic, you’re afflicted with a mean case of Vagophilia. Hustle down to men’s health products and just grab the first can you see. Spray that shit all over your body. Just… just empty that bitch out. If you think you’ve sprayed enough, you haven’t. Alright slithound, now it’s time for you to get all up on the bitches. You see, we lace our shit with chemicals that draw them sluts towards you. Pheromones or hormones or something. What Einstein, does it look like we went to college? Either way, you’ll have some whores moaning all up on you when you’re Axin’ and relaxin’.
“But I’m way too high to drive, and it’s almost 10:30p.m.,” you foolishly mumble to yourself. Hah! Don’t you know we’re open later
than shit? We invented the fourth meal to eliminate the anguish degenerates like you feel when you’re mouth banging your food hole mere minutes before you pass out from exhaustion after a long day of self-loathing and jacking off. So yeah, we’ll wait a few hours for you to hop in your 1997 Chevy Lumina and haul your “sober enough to drive” ass down to the nearest Taco Bell. And don’t forget to pick up some Baja Blast when you swing through, that shit is legit.
the interview
fitz & the tantrums
Noelle Scaggs, lead female vocalist for the indie soul band Fitz & The Tanturms, may be technically considered a “tantrum” in the band, but her powerhouse voice makes her the feistiest of them all. We had the chance to chat with the singer about performing love songs, being the only chick in a gaggle of guys, and, of course Ryan Gosling. Check out their hit album, Pickin’ up the Pieces while you wait for their newest album in 2013. By: Jess Sommers The Black Sheep: How did you get to know Michael Fitzpatrick, and how did Fitz & The Tantrums get started? Noelle Scaggs: Michael had been going through a really bad break-up and he wrote the song “Breakin’ the Chains of Love,” which was kind of his first song he had written with this Motown style. He called up John Wicks, a mutual friend of ours and our current drummer , to help develop more of these types of songs, which turned into our first EP, Songs for a Breakup, Vol. 1. So I went to the rehearsal studio and the first rehearsal we all just really jelled, mine and Michael’s voice jelled really well together. It felt like we had been performing for a long time. The beginning stages were really cool because it was a rare happening, you know, finding musicians who can really play and you have this moment of knowing this works. You’re not really sure where it’s going to go, but it really worked out. And everything with the band kept falling into place. We just kept getting offered gigs , and then came people who wanted to manage us. We had been together for six months before we go an offer for our first tour, with Hepcat and Flogging Molly, then came touring with Maroon 5. It was really special . TBS: A lot of your songs have to do with love and heartbreak. Tell me a little bit about the songwriting process. Noelle: On the new record we’ll all just get together and kind of jam out. The guys will send a track and Michael and I will build from them; I’ll create the lyrics and sometimes I’ll do the melody, or we’ll go back and forth. It’s just a melting pot of ideas that happen. I’ll write some stuff at my house and send it to Michael, he’ll vibe off of it and decide if he likes it or not, and vice versa. It’s a very collaborative effort. With Picking up the Pieces, because of the situation of Michael coming out of love, the entire story of that record was about breaking up and trying to get through that process. When I came to the table and brought that female dynamic, it became the two sides of the tale instead of just being about the male heartbreak. You get that female side as well which really dominates on stage. [Michael and I] have a really cool dynamic. TBS: So how do you like being the only girl in a group of guys? Noelle: I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’m used to being the only woman in a lot of bands. In my former band I was the only woman as well, and I was the front woman, so I’ve gotten used to it. You do have those times where you miss having a woman around. Thankfully, one of our managers is a woman and she comes on tour with us, so it gives me a nice break from being around all the guys all the time. But these guys are really amazing people, they’re really mature, it’s not like I’m touring with a bunch of teenagers who don’t really understand the business. We’re all good friends, we all respect each other, and, for that, it’s really cool. They’re very sensitive to me being the princess of the group. TBS: You personally have collaborated with a ton of different kinds of artists. Who are some of your favorites? Noelle: I really enjoyed working with will.i.am. He’s a really interesting character in the studio in that he just lets you go, he lets you flow, and the minute that he hears something good he’s like, “I want you do that.” He’s always been this really cool person to just jam out with and try to develop ideas and not really think about what’s going to happen. You just try things and have fun with it. I’ve always really enjoyed that about him in the studio, like I could just be playing around with something and he’d be like, “Go do that!” TBS: What are some things you always have around when you’re getting ready for a show? Noelle: Slippery Elm, it’s basically a root that comes in capsules that Michael and I drink in a tea, especially during cold season. I always, always, always have my watch. I don’t really like having my phone on me constantly, and that’s the reason why I bought the watch, so I know how much time we have before we go on stage. TBS: If you were stuck in an elevator for 24-hours, what one person would you ideally like to be stuck with? Noelle: From the music stand point, Thom Yorke. Also, maybe Ryan Gosling. I wouldn’t mind being locked up in an elevator with him, that’d be cool.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Band of Horses - mirage rock out september 18
Indie-rock darlings Band of Horses are back with their fourth studio album, Mirage Rock. These sleepy Seattle natives have undergone several changes in the past few years, while always keeping their signature style of pseudo-bluegrass tunes mixed in with catchy pop and rock beats. Check out their new tracks, "Dumpster World" and "Knock Knock."
liberal arts - in theaters out september 14
Cute, bearded, single, unemployed, and 35, Jesse Fisher (Josh Radnor, from How I Met Your Mother fame) gets asked to speak at his favorite college professor's retirement party. While back on campus he, naturally, falls for a cute, precocious sophomore Zibby (Elizabeth Olsen) and awkward love ensues. Cue the cute emotional cuteness!!!
SNooki & jwoww - Season finale thursday, september 13 @ 10 p.m.
Curious to find out how the summer of Snooki and JWOWW will end? Well if you've looked at any magazine covers or been on the internet at all, you probably know. But what you won't know are all the ridiculous and entertaining intricacies of the two guidettes that only a supremely edited show will give you. And let's all applaud for a season 2, in production now!
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Andrew W Boylan Heights How long have you been at Boylan? A year and a half. I’ve been a bartender since January. So you were a manager before you were a bartender? I actually got to be both in the same week. I started bartending first, and then four days later I became manager. What’s your preference on beer? I’m a big Budweiser guy. I like Budweiser, but for drafts, I like a lot—I like stouts, pours, a lot of wintery beers, 312—I like pretty much everything, but a lot of times I stick with Budweiser. What’s your favorite thing to make for a customer? Well I have something I make, but I don’t really have a name for it. It’s orangey. Our most popular shooter is the Sethwaze. It’s a little bit strong, but it also has pineapple juice in it, really fruity. Do you have a say over the music? Yeah, we put in our influence—we can tell the person who’s scheduling the DJs whether we like them or not—it’s a big factor in whether we invite
the drinking game
Categories
them back. Any perks? Do you make yourself any drinks when the customer leaves? Well, I have a beer when I close up, when I’m doing my receipts. Perks? It’s really fun. It’s also getting to know a bartender—it’s kind of a fun environment, you know everyone who works here. We’re one of the bigger restaurants on the Corner, so we kind of see ourselves as a family. Your friends, coworkers come in—it’s great. Any really bad nights? Well you know, we have nights where it gets really busy and people get drunk and start yelling at you. But if that happens, we can just have them removed. If they’re acting drunk, we don’t have to serve them. There’s also been kind of slow nights which are kind of sucky where you just sit here for a while and don’t make a lot of money. Never felt overwhelmed? I don’t really get overwhelmed—it gets busy, but I’m a pretty level-headed person.
Recipe for Disaster
Nutter Butter French Toast
Forgive us, loyal boozers, for we have sinned. We’ve been so preoccupied with partying hard that we forgot about the pleasures of just casually drinking among friends. Do your liver a favor and try this one out.
Have you ever bit into a Nutter Butter and thought, “Wow, it doesn’t get any better than this!”? Well think again, because we’re taking your favorite buttery nuts to the next level.
What You’ll Need: Beer and beer only. Number of Players: Four or more. Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a great buzz going, so even if your alcoholic self wants to go hard, this is a good way to pregame.
What You’ll Need: Bread, bananas, peanut butter, and butter. Cook Time: As long as it takes your ex to bust a nut, so like, 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’ll give you a little chub, that’s for sure!
How to Play: - Grab some beers and sit around a table. - Choose a broad category, like U.S. states, colors, Adam Sandler movies, etc. - Going around the circle, each player must say a word that falls under the chosen category. For example, if “Adam Sandler movies” is the category, possible answers would be Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. - If a player can’t think of an answer, they must drink their beer for five seconds. - If a player repeats an answer that was already said, the player must take a sip of beer along with the person originally said the answer. - Once someone messes up, switch to a new category. The Game Ends When: The beer runs out, and everyone just wants to call it a night. We’re tired from being so glamorous, give us a break, uggo.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Let’s Get Baked: - Beat eggs in a bowl. - Spread one tablespoon of peanut butter on top of each slice of bread. - Cut up your banana and spread the pieces across your peanut-buttered bread. - Put the pieces of bread together, making a peanut butter and banana sandwich. - Melt butter into a frying pan. - Dip your sandwich into the beaten eggs. - Place the sandwich on the heated pan and cook until both sides are brown. If you’re really trying to indulge, grab your two main squeezes, Aunt Jemima and Betty Crocker, and smother syrup and chocolate all over this delicacy.
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page 13
An Inside Look At: The Untold Horror of the Girl’s Bathroom Zoë Kremke wrote this Your alarm goes off, and slowly but surely you get out of bed. Half asleep, you shuffle down the hall in your fluffy slippers and mindlessly feel your way into a stall of your community bathroom. Suddenly, out of the corner of your eye you spot a, a—what the hell is that? You crane your neck and examine it further as all of your worst lavatoryrelated fears are confirmed. Yup, it’s an old tampon; a filthy, rancid, old tampon that’s just hanging out to say, “Hello!” first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, this sort of early morning “greeting” isn’t as uncommon as you assumed it would be before moving in. Most people assume that girls are cleanly creatures who poop rainbows and live in a world of singing silk unicorns. Wrong, but understandably so. After all, girls do smell like flowers and baked goods 97.23% of the time, and they do seem more put together than their male counterparts. However, all of that repressed messiness explodes in community bathrooms. A quick peek around any housing’s shared bathroom will tell you everything that you didn’t need to know about girls. The first week held the relatively minor shock of clogged toilets, grime-coated tile floors, broken toilet paper dispensers, an array of used tissues coating the countertops, unmentionable stains on the toilet seats, and, of course, the aforementioned grubby tampon incident. Could it really get anymore horrifying than that? Probably not, you think, hopeful that mercy is in sight.
Well, you were definitely incorrect, because the showers haven’t even been broached yet! There you find enough hair in the drains to donate to Locks of Love as a cruel April Fool’s prank. Not to mention the endless piles of razors, soap bars, and shower-scrunchies that seem to materialize day after day. How do residents forget these things in the shower? Aren’t they sort of necessary, for, like, the next time you need to shower? And how on earth do you forget them every damn day? With more unanswered questions than an X-Files episode, you decide to investigate. Why do your floor-mates insist on creating a space less sanitary than a pigpen? Do they really just not give a shit (pun fully intended)? Maybe that’s the case, or maybe—just maybe—there’s something deeper in the female psyche that causes this haywire college housing phenomenon you’re experiencing. Perhaps it’s the “crazy college” bubble that causes this disaster, or maybe it’s just that they’ve been so clean their whole lives at home, that being at college is a whole new world, with unsanitary living as exciting as the new experience of untethered, purely sexual relationships? I realize that sex isn’t always unsanitary, but these options do seem plausible. But really, we can come to only one conclusion: girls in any shared housing situation are clinically insane. Leaving a used tampon on the floor is unforgiveable.
DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!
“The Freshman 15”
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Clearly the culprit of such Tampax treachery was beyond insane in the membrane. You’re not the crazy one, they are, and there is no use trying to understand their sick, twisted logic. Keep your chin and toilet seat up, kid, and maybe consider using the bathroom in a different neck of the woods.
the photo hunt
can you find all 10 differences in this lecture hall? email us at puzzle@theblacksheeponline.com with the locations or a picture of your findings and win a prize!
the classtime
messing with mixies crossword
Across
3) This dessert may get you falling. 5) UTI cure, sort of? 8) Bubbly Vitamin C. 9) A biblical reference. 10) Poor man’s mimosa. 11) Shaken, not stirred. 14) An odd mixture and a college staple. 16) A tool we all should have. 18) A borough of New York. 19) Readers of this magazine probably also enjoy these. 20) A punch with vino. 21) Very European, very trippy.
6) A drink for The Dude. 7) Very muddled. 10) A fairly legitimate meal. 12) Drink this then shout “Slainte!” 13) Fun, but sandy. 15) If you like this, and getting caught in the rain. 17) Lindsay Lohan’s birthplace, and probably drink of choice.
Down
1) Ichi... ni... san! 2) Katrina, that bitch. 4) It’s not Taco Tuesday without these.
Answers
Meet The Staff
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owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone, Jakob Scheidt, AJ Nair Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
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Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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