The Black Sheep
FR EE ... Lik fl e te ee a c h ca rim b y e s ou ce ta ne ke
to
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 3 9/20/12 - 9/26/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
Something To Read While Waiting for the Bus
Lauren Bryant wrote this
Wasn’t everyone else under the false impression that the bus system was supposed to make our lives easier? Last year, we went from place to place with hardly any problems. However, sometime between last semester and this semester the transportation gods decided that UVa students have (in typical UVa fashion) committed one too many sins and must repent this year in the form of lots of extra walking, waiting for buses, and being late. Here are some of the ways that the transportation gods are trying to complicate our lives: The buses can’t cross McCormick Bridge anymore. You may be saying, “Oh that’s no big deal, I can just walk across the bridge. It’s not very long.” But you would be forgetting all of the other issues that this causes. For instance, say you are coming from Rugby or 14th Street and you want to go to Alderman to cram for those three exams you have tomorrow. Your backpack is as full as you could get it, with four textbooks, a notebook, pens, your laptop, and plenty of snacks for this inevitable all-nighter. Basically, it weighs a hundred pounds. Since the buses can’t cross McCormick Bridge, you are going to have to choose whether you would like to walk all the way from Beta Bridge to Alderman or all the way up the hill from the tennis courts with a hundred pounds of knowledge on your back. Either way, it’s not a good situation because you still have to walk a hell of a long way, dragging with you the equivalent of a very smart, very fat midget. Also, it sucks that the buses don’t seem to be on any sort of timed schedule at all. We can’t count the number of times that we’ve gotten to a bus stop and seen that there were three Northlines coming in the next twenty minutes, but the next U-Loop was in thirty minutes. Let’s just say there is a strong correlation between the number of times this has happened and the number of times we’ve walked home. The bus routes are not even close to what they were last year. It’s taken students so long to figure out where each bus went this year because we thought (silly us) that even
ten ways to avoid looking wasted on facebook
open your eyes and smile, whats wrong with you? oh right...
page 5
though the buses couldn’t cross McCormick Bridge, they would still go on similar routes with a few changes. Wrong. So much time was wasted on the wrong bus in the few days before and at the beginning of classes, that as a student body we could have written a New York Times Best Seller on the bus. This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as bus issues go. If there were another hundred pages of space, we could also tell you about the time that three buses broke down before 9a.m. Or about the time that a certain student realized the
what’s inside
Northline stops at U-Hall twice before going to Barracks Road, and you don’t know if the time you get on at U-Hall is the first or the second time, and therefore, what you think should be a 10 minute ride, turns out to be a 40 minute ride. Or about the time that the buses were running on the holiday schedule because it was Labor Day, even though our classes were on a regular schedule. Needless to say, it looks like we’re all going to have some rock hard calf muscles by the end of the year.
eat drink and be marry... or demise
the wrong way to get into a frat
page 6
page 9
the different kinds of drunk mosters you all become.
one big hint - girls are more welcome than guns.
contents page 5: this is south lawn an epic battle took place between ppl majors and comm schoolers. who won? read and find out.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 7: from the streets
Table of
How do you best distract yourself from studying?
page 9: bartender of the week cameron s. from michael’s bistro enjoys a fine mint julep.
page 13: The Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports The flex position isn’t what you think it is, ladies.
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Cereals Any Nite
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Rally Rye Hip Nip last week’s answers
Sofia Vergara & Asthon Kutcher
word of the week Bravadon’t:
An act of heroism meant to impress, resulting in embarrassing failure for the person in question.
“Patrick’s had an act of bravadon’t when he broke his leg by jumping off of the roof.”
The Top 10
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This Is South Lawn pierce bishop wrote this
An ego is a necessary part of being a UVa student, but recent events have brought the issue to a head. This past week, the Comm School kids finally lost it. With Robertson Hall reaching a critical mass of hot air and LinkedIn emails, the collective future investment bankers set their sights on expanding their networking hub to commodious South Lawn. Nau and Gibson, in their minds, provide ample space to learn to properly work an Excel spreadsheet as well as a Starbucks to give them a caffeine boost when their store of classics majors’ blood runs out. Accordingly, a precocious first year in the McIntire School was sent across South Lawn to ask the college students to give up their bastion of liberal arts. Being late at night and given the perplexing nature of swipe access, the only students present to receive the Comm schooler were the PPL majors. For those unfamiliar with the Political Philosophy, Policy, and Law program, they bind in a cult-like manner. They can be found doing séances in front of a Colin Bird idol or pulling Constitutions out of their pockets for the purpose of making a Hugo Black joke. When asked to give up their exclusive study spot, they did not respond kindly. Calling upon the Spirit of Thurgood Marshall, the collected PPL majors chucked the young finance major from the South Lawn bridge and into a speeding truck’s windshield. Needless to say, they were not giving up Nau and Gibson so easily. Offended, and aware that news would quickly get back to the Comm School, the PPLans went about preparing to protect the majestic South Lawn. The small band of intellectuals, fighting for principles not yet formulated but they swear will be in their upcoming thesis, hunkered down in the passageway between Cabell and Wilson, awaiting a Robertson offensive. Keenly aware of the unfavorable odds, they were set on fueling their fight with what they knew best: the will of the people. In the last vestiges of night, they recited a Madisonian prayer and took their last slumber before facing their button-down clad foes. After a meeting where the entire Comm School made no executive decisions because they’re all VPs not Presidents, they stormed out with freshly printed résumés and business cards in tow. Certain their grandeur and employment history would make the PPLans crumble, heads were held high…even given their immense weight. Alas, as the first ranks descended the stairs, the tightly-bunched PPLans were ready. The crashing waves of CVs and pompous tie bars were beaten back by frightening recitations of Engels. The first beads of panic formed on the collective brow of the McIntirians. This would not keep them back, though.
ways to Avoid Looking Wasted on Facebook 10 ) Hide your cup: The red Solo cup is an instant indicator of, “Yeah, I’m in college, yeah, I like to party, so what?” Just because your poor mother believes you when you tell her, “No Ma, it’s just soda” does not mean the rest of the world will fall for your puerile ploy.
They were sure of their numerical advantage and geared up with a greater weapon: New York City references. Now, the PPLans did start to quiver as their high-nosed foes had them in death throes. They worried their writing samples on British legal history from their semester abroad would not measure up. It was clear that some would get swallowed whole by the prospects of being a corporate lawyer, aspiring to their suppressed aims of being Michael Clayton. As the smell of Goldman Sachs and Deloitte stationery began to fill the narrow strait the PPLans held, the small program’s tight ranks broke. Some fell victim to the promise of a penthouse, others perished fleeing (accidentally) into Cabell construction, and the remaining fighters took their last intellectual breaths as, in true McIntire fashion, the Comm School cadets ruthlessly ran them over in pursuit of their own goals. Their last gasps of, “THIS IS SOUTH LAWN,” fell on deaf, over-competitive ears. The South Lawn had been won by the McIntirians, even in the face of the PPLans gallant resistance. Meanwhile, college students not so consumed with their egos (be they money or principle driven) were pissed because this mess was blocking their their ability to get to discussion in Monroe and Cabell. After trying to decide which of “those guys” they disliked more, only to see that the PPL “those guys” no longer existed, the mass of Politics, History, Religious Studies majors pouring out of South Lawn decided to deflate the McIntirians. This battle does continue to some extent, but the college students have found success securing the South Lawn by sending a heavy barrage of Reality at Robertson. Pamphlets depicting the life awaiting Comm Schoolers in cities like Charlotte, Kansas City and Cincinnati were enough to grip them with debilitating shudders and fits. As a fighting force, nothing seems to be stronger than the college fighter’s mixture of acceptance of inadequacy, lack of a cause, and healthy self-deprecation. For now, the awkward land mass of South Lawn remains unstained by unchecked Comm School ego.
9) Open your eyes: The classic eye droop is a tell-tale indication of being wasted. As soon as you feel this start to occur, be on the lookout for any form of flash and open your eyes as wide as you possibly can so you look alert and ready when any picture is taken. Chances are, you still won’t open them wide enough, But hey, you tried. 8) Avoid the “peace sign duck face”: Yes female population, this is directed at you. Alcohol seems to reduce its victims to their awkward middle school years when the only face they could come up with was the classic pouty lip, “I love world peace” look. So ladies, before you upload or upchuck, try to avoid chucking the deuce up. 7) Close your mouth: When led by the magic beer fairies into the realm of intoxication, people have a tendency to open their mouths in pictures. All the drunkards that smile open their mouths as wide as they can as if they are pleasantly surprised their picture is being taken, despite holding the pose for several minutes while the intoxicated photographer attempts to use an iPhone, and only manages to take an accidental selfie. 6) Smile: Alcohol is a stimulant, so it makes you feel good. However, as the Stall Seat Journal in the bathrooms around Grounds have so kindly informed us, when you exceed the “golden zone” it becomes a depressant. If you want to avoid sentiments of “What is wrong with that kid…” as people click through your recently tagged photos, please remember to smile when someone is taking a picture, rather than being the kid that looks like their face has just been shot up with novocaine. 5) Do not fall asleep: Unless you want your wall blown-up with pictures of your body ridden with Sharpie-scribbled profanities and genitalia, avoid crashing on that frat couch at 1a.m. 4) Keep your clothes on: We’ve all heard of the “liquor blanket” but this lovely figment of our imagination does not provide any material coverage, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself it does. So the next time alcohol persuades you to remove an article of clothing remember that, no, you are not too sexy for your shirt, and you should do yourself and everyone else a favor and keep your clothes on. 3) Avoid spills: Alcohol severely impairs functional hand-eye coordination skills. As a result, many articles of clothing are ruined by spatters of the weekend’s mystery punch, and no matter how hard you try and remember the activities you partook in over the weekend, the only thing you can be sure of is that you somehow managed to miss your mouth. 2) Don’t throw what you know: Sure, Greek involvement looks great on a resume with all the philanthropies that sororities and fraternities are involved in, but avoid displaying your love for Greek life at parties. No one employer wants to see you throwing up Greek gang signs in one hand while you’ve got a can in the other. 1) Be sober: Ha, right.
the black sheep staff wrote this
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Eat, Drink, and be Mary…or Denise
theblacksheeponline.com
Spencer Schloss wrote this Booze, beer, liquid courage, regardless of what you call it, alcohol ultimately brings out alternate personalities, which include the best and worst personas of UVa students. We’ve all had one too many drinks from that ever-enticing gin bucket, or not even that many cups of the mystery punch… Regardless of what substances may or may not be in the punch, each student at UVa eventually adopts their alter ego as the blood alcohol gauge moves up on our trip towards Yorktown (one mile away from Pukesville). It all starts at the pregame. Girls in short skirts and chunky necklaces arrive with water bottles and fruity chasers (just in case their only choice is like, beer, ew) and the boys and their Sperrys come with beer, tequila, Four Lokos and whatever else their fake ID could get them. The shots, shotgunning, and mixed drinks commence and the students-by-day become unrecognizable party animals by the time the sun sets on Rugby Road. First up, is the “loving drunk.” This is the friend that manages to spill every single feeling she’s ever had to you. She loves him, but adores him, hates her, and loves you, but also thinks that you need to stop getting so much gooey brownie at Arch’s (sorry the truth hurts). The alcohol causes an impulse where the loving drunk cannot bottle up her love and proceeds to hug and kiss every party attendee. There are some benefits to this type of drunk. The loving drunk assumes she is bffs with everyone and manages to take pics with all her biffles so she will have an album of selfies with random people that she coerced by saying, “best friend, come take a pic with me!”
Then we have the infamous “token drunk”—that one kid who always drinks way too much, but insists on having more. Oftentimes, they can be found stumbling around the party with a bottle of vodka, taking swigs every now and then to make sure they are maintaining their impressive BAC. The token drunk is extremely smooth with the ladies as he slurs, “w-wwu ew ike ooo ance?” This will be the kid who pukes at Final Exercises, and will forever be the token drunk guy at college and family reunions telling drunk stories to young children as he spikes their lemonade with a little bit of whiskey. The one we all envy is the “classy drunk.” No matter how much this person drinks they always manage to have their shit together. Their shirt is always buttoned, absent of sweat stains or spills, and they have a superior look on their face as they sip out of their Solo cup amused by the sloppy drunks before them. The “angry drunk” always provides plenty of entertainment to party goers. For this class of drunk, there is something about alcohol that makes them want to fight every person they see. “You see that guy in front of Boylan, he’s looking at me like he wants to fight” “Dude…he’s just homeless, he probably wants money…” “Whatever…I can take him.”
The angry drunk can frequently be heard yelling, “come at me bro!” One of the most depressing drunk personalities is that of the “lonely drunk.” This is the guy that shows up to Rapture alone in search of social interaction and conversation. Oftentimes, they are the quiet ones who drink just so they have the courage to muster a conversation. Usually, this results in a second type of drunk: the repeater. The guy who repeats the same thing over and over because his brain cannot come up with anything else to say—“our stat teacher really blows” or even worse “the music is really loud in here…” It is at this time that the people who are still sober enough to be annoyed, smile and nod as they gaze over the crowd seeking refuge in a not-so-awkward alternative. Yes, we all succumb to our “dark drunk” alternative persona during our breaks from grueling school work, but it is the dynamic of this diverse body of students that make UVa the great public university that it is. No matter who you are or what you become once you see yourself approaching the line and inevitably zoom past it, it is interesting to watch the show.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
How do you best distract yourself from studying? “Drinking with friends and going out.” - Dallas D., 3rd year
“Staring at the wall and Facebook.” - Cat C., 2nd year
“Going outside to smoke a cigarette.” - Zach G., 3rd year
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
The Grid
Sunday Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
Happy Hours Specials: $3 Apps/$3 Margaritas Late Night Drink Specials: $2 VA Gentleman Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
Grad School Night! $2 Drafts & $2 Bourbon
We have Felix and Awesome T-Shirts
4-7 $2 Drafts
Enjoy a happy hour whilst kicking your friends’ butt in Connect 4 (other games available)
Freaky Friday Free Garlic Knots with any 18’’ Large Pizza
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
College Football Day!
Grab a bucket of beer and hang out on the balcony.
Gameday Show your game ticket and get $4 off any order
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
$3 Pitchers
Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
Happy Hour Specials: $1 Tacos Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 Rails/Green Card Member Deals Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails $5 Big Burritos Late Night Drink Specials: $10 Mexican Beer Buckets $5 Malibu Long Islands Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
Get $1 OFF
MON. 9/24
Happy Hour Specials: $5 pitchers w/Any App! Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Sauza Tequila Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
TUES. 9/25
Just tell us you read The Black Sheep
Happy Hour Specials: $6 Fajitas Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 BL 16oz. Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
WED. 9/26
SUNDAY 9/23
FRIDAY 9/21
Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
MONDAY: 4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
SAT. 9/22
THURS. SPECIAL 9/20 NIGHT
Rapture
Happy Hour Specials: All you can eat tacos Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Pitchers of Baja Gold Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
4-7 $2 Drafts $2 Rails
Boylan Dance Night 10pm
Over 80 Bottled Beers
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Salsa Night lesson at 7, dance party at 8
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Dane Alderson & Friends 10:00 PM (Free) Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
10 Constantly Changing Taps
Locally sourced food from sustainable farms
Every Day: Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails from 3 Until 7
UmlautGoth & Industrial Dance Party 10:00 PM
Wahoo Wednesday
$10 XL Cheese Pizza All Day
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Charlottesville Music Showcase 10:00 PM (FREE)
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page 9
the Wrong Way to Get Into a Frat Lauren Bryant wrote this
All UVa students received an email Sunday morning about the drama at a Saturday night frat party. As students, we’re used to occasionally getting these emails about crime that occurs on or around Grounds. Usually, they involve a person walking alone late at night, but sometimes, there are more unusual occurrences. For instance, the incident at the party was quite odd, and luckily we can laugh about the ridiculousness of the situation because no one was seriously hurt, and faces continued to go uneaten (good thing bath salts haven’t become a hit in Charlottesville…yet). However, several questions came to light reading about the incident
want to get in so badly? It seems like it would’ve saved a lot of time and trouble.
The first, obvious question was, “Who wants to get into a frat party so badly that they would punch someone in the face and bring back 3 friends…and a gun?” We’re not really sure what’s so great about being packed in like sardines with a bunch of sweaty, drunk college students. A better Saturday night can be found not sliding around in the combination of beer and various bodily fluids otherwise known as the “frat sludge,” ruining your shoes, and then stumbling home at five in the morning only stopping to puke behind a bush. However, people have different tastes. If that’s your thing, enjoy yourself, we guess.
And then, fleeing in a taxi? I don’t even know what to say about that. That must have been a great exchange:
Another difficult-to-understand aspect: If you’re not a UVa student bound by the honor code, then why wouldn’t you just say yes, you are a UVa student and 21, if you
Yeah, a cab. Ain’t no one gonna expect us to leave in a cab.
Also, if you couldn’t get in the first time, why would you return with three more guys? Have you ever been to a frat party before, dude? You just quadrupled your chance of not getting in. At least bring, oh I don’t know, three girls? Even just one or two? A pimple-faced first year can saunter his brace faced smile in if he just coerces a couple sympathetic coeds from his dorm. This shouldn’t be news, even to the less university culture-conscious townies.
Bro, where are we gonna go now? I dunno, dude, but we gotta run, that’s for sure. Naw, man. I’m way too faded for that. You tryna catch a cab? (Others in unison) A CAB?!?!?!
Oh true. I can see that. I ain’t got no cash, though, so you guys can just get me for coming up with that idea. Meanwhile, eyewitnesses must have been having their drunken stupor amplified tenfold by the ridiculousness of the idea. Given the proximity to the maze of streets off Rugby in that area, there are DOZENS of better options than cramming in some vomit-filled taxi. The point is, this crime seemed pretty odd and pointless. Everyone knows that if you want to get into a frat party, you have to be friends with the brothers—not punch them in the face (though we have all been in situations where we would totally condone punching some bros in the mouth). And it’s probably a good idea to bring some girls with you. Just a tip.
Point / Counter Point:
Fall TV Shows 666 Park Avenue (ABC) Q: A young couple moves into a “too good to be true” apartment complex, and if you haven’t figured it out already from the spoon-fed title, it’s haunted. Who cares about a plot when the preview shows people being sucked into the walls by spirits or committing suicide off the edge of the building? It looks like nothing new, just the same old “whipping out an old book to find out the dragon insignia in the shitter is an evil omen” run-around. Just move you assholes. Problem solved. B: Ah, but Quinn, don’t you see that the producers are taking horror to a whole new level? Because this family leveraged all their assets to afford their Manhattan apartment, they can’t move without dealing with a citizen’s greatest fear: The IRS. Certainly this show is just an extended metaphor for the plight of the American homeowner in the post-recession real estate horrorscape.
Ben and Kate (FOX)
Made in Jersey (CBS)
Q: Ben is played by Academy Award-winning Nat Foxan, and his older sister Kate is played by Dakota Johnson. Ben is the lovable, awkward man-child, and Kate is the uptight but quirky single mom “trying to make ends meet.” While on the surface this looks like a pretty typical setup, Ben will walk the line of getting under your skin and being endearing/funny perfectly - if you can keep your eyes off his mangled grill, that is.
B: “A streetwise lawyer born and raised in New Jersey joins a posh New York City law firm, where she must defend her clients while surviving her colleagues’ skepticism and her Italian family’s constant interruptions.” In other words, a paint-by-numbers drama full of over-the-top stereotypes. WHAT-A? YOU NO LOVE-A YA MOMMA’S SPICY MEAT-ABALL NO MORE NOW YOU A BIG CITY GIRL? GABBAGOO!!!
B: The only upside this show offers is the off-thecharts awkwardness potential. Roommate comedies thrive off of tired odd couple tropes, so when it comes time for Ben and Kate to do, “the single mom gets laid” episode, having Ben say, “I can’t believe I had to hear you during sex last night, you cried harder than when dad spanked you,” will be fun for the whole family.
Q: Get over yourself. If people aren’t constantly reminded of stereotypes, how will we ever know when to judge one another? How will our kids know how to walk the line between “playing it by the book” and “getting their hands dirty once in a while”? A bully beats them up – do they give the perp a few cheap shots before turning him in? We need these shows, Brendan, not everyone can paint without numbers.
The New Normal (FOX)
Chicago Fire (nbc)
The Mindy Project (FOX)
B: Listen up, Hollywood. If your best idea for convincing closed-minded people in flyover states that two dudes getting hitched is okay is a shitty sitcom about a gay couple adopting a baby, we as a nation have much larger problems.
B: A show. About firefighters. In Chicago. Produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, this show promises to have the firefighters discover a fire, threaten it without evidence, get frustrated, find a new fire, question it, only to find that it was the first fire’s fault the whole time right when there’s like, three minutes left in each episode. In 2015 prepare for spinoffs Chicago Fire: Lake Forest and Chicago Fire: Aurora.
B: Ah, a show actually worthy of excitement. After years of seasoning on The Office, Mindy Kaling gets her opportunity to shine. Though The Office may be a shell of its former self, it’s the Bill Walsh of TV shows, spawning disciples that have created current great, Parks and Recreation. Kaling doesn’t rely on any crutches - like her gender or ethnicity - to be funny, so don’t expect any terrible CBS-quality jokes about how hard it is to have one’s period in a sari.
Q: How else do you want them to represent this classic struggle? People in Hollywood are progressive and better looking, everyone else is backwards and old. If sitcoms aren’t the beacon of change in this country, then yes, we as a nation have much larger problems. I look forward to Digger & Greene the unlikely law partnership of the son of an Oil Baron and a UC Berkeley hippie.
Q: Did you want this to be about the Chicago Fire soccer team, or Mrs. O’Leary? It’s called ESPN, Brendan, and they air US Soccer matches at least twice a year. No, this procedural drama is about a bunch of sexy firefighters (modeled after real Chicago firefighters), putting out fires and taking their shirts off. GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL (in my pants).
Q: Kelly is annoying, and this seems to be the same character. A female OBGYN with a “unique persona” trying to navigate her personal and professional life? She’s a rom-com aficionado? Give Creed from The Office his own show. Please.
Just like the World Masturbation Championships, the fall TV schedule offers different strokes for different folks. With such a wide breadth of programming, it’s smarrt-- nay-- necessary to have qualified experts breaking down which new shows you should spend time watching this fall. Sadly, we don’t have any experts. Hell, we can barely afford pants. We do have two editors, though. So, we made Quinn and Brendan debate the merits of eight shows debuting this fall.
Malibu Country (abc)
Q: So this is just Reba right? They are trying to say it’s not, but the lead role is Reba McEntire playing “A mother of two kids, and a once country music sensation trying to get her foot back in the door.” Our only hope is that this show is very dark – Reba moves her family to Malibu, but fails to jumpstart her music career. She delves deep into depression and huffing computer dusters, only to accidentally microwave her youngest daughter in the season finale. B: God, then the second season opens up with Reba getting off on a technicality, only now she has a taste for blood. At night she roams the streets of Malibu, committing random acts of violence on unsuspecting rich couples. Thankfully, the Malibu PD have just the man for the case, a grizzled old cop (Jeff Foxworthy) who’s only days away from retirement. He’s following the trail of blood…and it’s on her hands.
Animal Practice (nbc)
Q: As much as one would hate to see anything replace the current NBC lineup, this show might be decent. Whether or not it was the psychotic clusterfu*ck that was the closing ceremonies it aired after, the pilot seemed okay. We really like Justin Kirk (Andy from Weeds) and this show looks like that same character with a mix of Dr. House, but in a veterinary. B: Eh, the dialogue in this show is ruff-er than tree BARK!
the interview
menomena
Portland indie rockers Menomena are releasing a new album, Moms, on September 18th before kicking off a nationwide tour. Because they have moms, and we have moms, and you have moms, we thought it would be a wise decision to talk to them. But not about their moms, though. That stuff’s personal, man. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When starting a new album, what mindset do you put yourself in? Justin Harris: We’ve never put ourselves in the mindset, like, we’re making a concept album. On Moms in particular, early on there was a theme, at least, and it gives us a chance to think about issues that you want to write about. But again, it’s not a concept album my any means. TBS: You guys often introduce new instruments into your music. Is that your attempt to create a specific sound you’re looking for, or just a challenge to yourself? Justin: A lot of the time it’s, “How do we make that sound?” TBS: Have you ever had an experience where it just didn’t work? Justin: Yeah, definitely. [Laughs] There might be a couple of times on this album where we’re not sure if it’ll work or not. TBS: There’s democracy behind your songwriting, when do you know you have a finished song? Justin: For us, it’s the person who started writing a song who decides when the song is done. For me, over the years I’ve become familiar with the process. When I start playing something, I see it getting better, and eventually I just know when it’s done. TBS: You guys go to great lengths to recreate how your album sounds live on stage. Why? Justin: I don’t know, we started off early on thinking that’s what you do. You create your music on stage. Sure, it won’t sound exactly the same, but it’s really important to make sure the signatures of the songs are recreated on stage. TBS: With all that stuff going on, how much practice gets into making sure you can perform without screwing something up? Justin: A lot. We spend a lot of individual time working on getting to that point. On one of our songs on the last album I was supposed to be able to play this sax part and this bass part while on stage. Then I handed over the sax part to someone else, but it turns out my body wasn’t prepared for it. I couldn’t do one without the other, because I had trained my body to do both. It was an interesting realization for me. TBS: So how do you strike the balance between doing all that and still having a sense of showmanship? Justin: It’s something I struggle with daily. There’s a big part of me that wishes I could just go up there and play my instruments, but there’s an element of showmanship that’s necessary in a live show. The more we play songs, the easier it is to incorporate that kind of stuff as part of the show. At the same time, it helps that we have a really animated drummer. [Laughs] TBS: What kind of music are you interested in that your fans wouldn’t assume you’re interested in? Justin: Man, I wish I could ask [band mate] Danny Siem, he listens to a much wider variety of music than I do. I went to the symphony last weekend with a friend of mine, and it got me thinking about symphonics. TBS: What would you consider your greatest athletic achievement? Justin: Hmm, it’s been many years. I pitched a no-hitter in high school.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
the perks of being a wallflower in theaters - 9/21
Based on the 1999 uber-emotional (albeit, spot-on) novel by Stephen Chbosky, Perks tells the tale of self-proclaimed wallflower Charlie (Logan Lerman), an incoming high school freshman. The first-person narrative takes us through his highs and lows of adolescence, from the freeing feeling of being infinite to his rocky pursuit of his friend's sister (Emma Watson).
no doubt - push and shove in store - 9/25
Sure, Gwen Stefani has released two solo albums in the past decade that were so successful that that shit was bananas. But the group has a whole hasn't released an album since 2001's Rock Steady, and these Californians have been hard at work on their latest album since 2010. Push and Shove, their sixth studio album, features beat geniuses Diplo and Major Lazer. Check out "Settle Down" and "Push and Shove."
brickleberry 9/25 @ 10:30pm on comedyy central
If you watched Tosh.0 last season, you know a thing or two about the new animated series from the disturbed yet hilarious mind of comedian Daniel Tosh. With celebrities galore doing the voiceovers of these national park forest rangers, we're looking forward to a new animated comedy that is one part Parks and Rec and one part South Park.
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Cameron S. Michael’s Bistro Most underrated beer?: A lot of the West Coast beers don’t have a big presence out here, like Stone IPA, which should be on every tap...but on further thought, I’d say Tremens, not enough people know about Delirium Tremens.
Is that your favorite to drink as well?: Hmm, I like to drink mint juleps. Are you a native of Charlottesville?: I wasn’t born here, but I lived here from eight to eighteen. I moved back here because of family.
Most overrated beer?: PBR. Favorite mixed drink to make for a customer?: Sazerac - take a glass with a lemon peel, Peychaud’s Bitters and a brown sugar cube, muddle that together, then mix with a rye whiskey and ice. Then strain the mixture free of the ice and pour into a glass coated with absinthe.
the drinking game
across the bridge
Do you have a favorite bar other than Michael’s Bistro?: Well I’m here working most nights so I don’t have time to go out much - I do like Miller’s, Mono Loco, Commonwealth - but I’d probably say C&O.
Recipe for Disaster
Impostor Cinnastix
Feeling lucky? This game takes absolutely no skill whatsoever! It also requires little thought and physical movement. As that weird-looking chick from The Hunger Games says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.”
You’re at the peak of your “munchies stage” and you’re craving Domino’s Cinnastix, however you’re too lazy to get off your ass and walk to a Domino’s. Then you realize your pocket full of dollar bills is now just a pocket full of bad decisions and the aroma of stripper perfume. What do you do? Make these Impostor Cinnastix, that’s what!
What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and your brew of choice. Number of Players: Two or more. Just make sure you have enough cards! Level of Intoxication: If you’re lucky, you’ll get tipsy. If you’re unlucky, you’ll black out.
What You’ll Need: Bread, butter, sugar, cinnamon, milk, powdered sugar. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: If you’re on a diet, just stop reading now.
How to Play: - Deal ten cards face down in a straight line for your “bridge.” - One player starts the game by flipping the first card. - If the card is a 2 through 10, the player can move on to flipping the next card. - If the flipped card is a face card (jack, queen, king or ace), the player must drink (one second for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king, and four for an ace). - The player must also add cards onto the end of your bridge (one for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king and four for an ace). - The next player flips their next card and continues the game in the same fashion. The Game Ends When: One player stumbles all the way across the bridge. In that case, shuffle the cards and start over.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Lay pieces of bread onto a piece of foil. - Microwave ¼ cup of butter. - Spread the butter across your pieces of bread. - Mix 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and ½ cup of sugar in a bowl. - Sprinkle your cinnamon sugar on top of your bread. - Let your bread bake in the oven for 10 minutes on 150 degrees. - In a separate bowl, mix ¼ cup of melted butter with ¼ tablespoon of milk and 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar. - Mix well until it looks like icing. - Take your bread out of the oven and let cool. - Drizzle your icing on top of your bread. Bring these with you to the bars and sell them for five bucks a piece to those drunken girls who “need something to absorb the obscene amount of alcohol they drank.” Yeah, good luck with that.
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The Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports
page 13
the black sheep staff wrote this
Ladies, if you’re lucky enough to have a man who puts up with both your complete lack of personality and utter reliance on him to drive you everywhere - congratulations. Pat yourself on the back for being eh, hot enough, and put down the Cosmo that’s telling you how to properly caress his balls. Seriously. If you’re brave and/ or trashed enough to shackle yourself to one guy for more than the time it takes to get him to buy you a drink, the last place you should take advice from is women’s magazines. Indeed, if you want to take on the challenge of keeping a man happy, there is one, and only one question you need to ask yourself. And you better answer with an affirming jumping high-five! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!? Or baseball. Or basketball. Or pro bass fishing, if your guy is in Farmhouse. Face it, your man has a lot of fantasies, but did you know that not all of them are about you? At least .317% of them are sports-related. Specifically, having his own fantasy team. Note that you can’t be a member of this team. So how do you navigate this confusing world of mythical RBI’s and make-believe second downs? How can you make sure you own stake in his little you-less sanctuary that is fantasy sports? By following our Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports, silly. Pro Tip 1: Show up at his draft party. Draft parties are totes boring sausage fests with way too many confusing numbers and
statistics. Your guy will want nothing to do with it anymore after the first round when Aaron Rodgers, Sidney Crosby, or Kobe Bryant has already been drafted to Team Master Chief. Get your sweet, yoga ass over there to sit on his lap and keep him entertained through the boring hours of beer, wings, and icky male bonding. Pro Tip 2: Give him lots of advice on whom to put in on his game nights. Everybody knows that good-looking guys are more talented, nicer, and better at foreplay than ugly guys. So when your sweetie wants to have a total cave troll play for his team tonight, it’s your job to stop him! The sweet, cinnamon baby face of Blake Griffin must mean that he’s better than that bearded jack-o-lantern LeBron James. Plus “power forward” sounds so much manlier than “small forward.” Pro Tip 3: Trash text the guys in his league. Strike fear into the hearts of your boo’s opponents by letting them know that they are going down hard—you know, like you when you want a new purse. Just a simple, “Ur team sucks! Get a girlfriend loser!” should do it. This tip is so effective that it will cause the entire league to stop talking to your man out of what we can only assume to be sheer terror.
DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!
“The Freshman 15”
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Pro Tip 4: Withhold sex unless he wins his match up. Fantasy sports are as important to guys as graduating college, so you need to show him you take his team as seriously as he does. If his guys aren’t scoring, he isn’t scoring. Trust us; he’ll appreciate this spirited dedication to his success and coital condemnation of his failure. Fantasy sports are not for the faint of heart. The next time you make eye contact with a guy over your Brody Square sushi that shows how worldly and daring you are, think twice. Ask yourself, “Will this end badly, with me sobbing and praying to the porcelain god while his suitemates do the pee dance? Or will it lead to me making him into a fantasy player with possibly the best record ever?” That may be a question you’d never thought you’d ask yourself, but follow our tips and you can make this season be his “fantasy come true.” Princess Leia costume not included.
the classtime
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
Wedding destination: • Dominican Republic • Dom Peditro, Brazil • Domino’s Pizza • Downtown Des Moines
type of cake: • Vegan Pomegranate • Cookie Cake • Oreo Ice Cream Cake • Your Sister’s Leftovers
career path: • Italian Chef • Telemarketer • Crab Fisherman • Car Wash Cashier
Token drunken attendee: • Mother of the Groom • Grandfather of the Bride • Maid of Honor • Midlife Crisis Priest
Honeymoon adventure: • Hammock Camping • Rain Forest Exploration • Jamaica, Queens • Mt. Everest
Wedding entree: • Spaghetti • Chef Boyardee Ravioli • AYCE Soup & Salad • Frozen Lasagna
Pet acquired: • Bottle-nosed Dolphin • Common Marmoset • Maine Coon Kitten • Lice
midlife crisis: • Buys Mercedes Convertible • Face tattoo • Plastic Surgery ala Heidi Montag • Mike’s Hard Lemonade Addict Claim to Fame: • EDM Sensation • Becomes Facebook CEO • Breeds Kangaroos • Stops World Hunger
some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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copy editor Lauren Bryant Advertising Manager AJ Nair Writers Spencer Schloss, Ana Saragoza photographer John Soong distribution manager Peter Finocchio Social media manager Monica Mohapatra
owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone, Jakob Scheidt, AJ Nair Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
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Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the classtime • Cans of ___1___, to mix in my roommates ___2___ blender with ___3___ so I can get my bulk on finally. • ___4___ and ___5___ to get my freak on with the ladies. Maybe some ___6___ for when we ___7___? Also, paper towels. • Solo cups ( ___8___ ones! Err’body love neon.) and ping-pong balls. • The New Doritos, ___9___ Extreme ___10___ , ___11___ Blast. • ___12___ cases of Mountain Dew, doubles as a chaser and hangover cure.
madlib: Grocery Store List
• Oh yeah, and ___13___ bagels. OH yeah, and ___14___ but that’s from Carl. • Peanut butter, to mess with our neighbor’s ___15___ . And my ex. • Several cases of ___16___ and a 6-pack of ___17___ to impress my ___18___ dad. • Dumb ___19___ Burnetts, so the hotties dance on the table. ___20___ so my bros get into brawls. ___21___ for the peeps I really care about. • ___22___, if I can find them, for those lonely nights.
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