The Black Sheep
FR EE .. bu . Like zz fo reac ra h af ing te an rn oo imm n g ac am ulat e. e
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 4 9/27/12 - 10/3/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
the lawn assault the black sheep staff wrote this
You are a sitting duck. We all find ourselves in the same boat: class starts in two minutes and you are running from Monroe to Wilson, you scamper around slow folks in front of Garret, and, then…COME TO THE BLAH BLAH BLAH SHOW…SUPPORT CANCER RESEARCH…HELP THE CHILDREN…When you finally make it to class, you have more paper in your pocket than 2 Chainz at a strip club, and you have missed the first 5 minutes of lecture. While a lot of us have been in the position of doling out hand bills, the people that do it are still the bane of our existence. Why are they so persistent? Do they really think I care about their Winter Break trip to a National Park to preserve wildlife? How do I get them to ignore me and let me get to class? Well, here are some options. Their own medicine: As that sashaying thespian gets you in their sights, aiming to coerce you into coming to this season’s musical, shock them! As they start to poke you with their brightly-colored announcement, give out your own. Preferably, it should say something rather jarring, like “PUNCH BABIES! DRINK UNICORN BLOOD!” You don’t even have to say anything, though, a simple, “support the cause!” would be a nice touch. Bob and Weave: As you approach the Lawn, pull your backpack to the front and cradle it like a football. Now begin to sprint, making sure to juke around the optimistic panderers. Each time you get past someone, unleash your inner Chris Berman and yell “WOOOP!” If it is a really impressive spin and stiff arm of the would-be coercer combo, take the Madden tact and exclaim, “HIGHLIGHT STICK!” Unless rugby is tabling, chances are you will be very much left alone. Shake and Bake: They think you are just going to take the flyer, but you give them a bit more. Prepare a high-quality secret handshake and act like they know the progression of the salutation. Make sure you get a second hand into it, maybe a solid chest bump. If your enthusiasm is matched, you can give a look of, “Wow, dude, chill.” If they step away in fear, that’s still a win for you as you don’t have to fold a
fall’s reign
piece of paper and stuff it in your back pocket. You will have been too busy dapping up to take a handbill. Focus: Short on creativity? Look them in the eyes. Deep in the eyes. Don’t say a word; just give a solid, stern look right in the eyes. Make sure it lasts at least five seconds as that is usually when awkwardness sets in. Try to incorporate intimidation in the look. Think about the one time your roommate stole your last beer: give ‘em that look! Better yet, express the look you suppressed after your girlfriend vomited on your bed sheets last weekend. If they still want
what’s inside
to give you a flyer at this point, you should probably ask them out on a date. That kind of persistence should be rewarded with a dinner…downtown at that. Of course, you could just be a decent person and say, “No, thank you,” to a flyer, but that is frustrating after the thousandth time. For those that will be handing out flyers in the future, do keep in mind how annoying you can be. People are trying to get to class. If they wanted to get assaulted, they’d be on Culbreth on a Saturday night picking up some drugs.
what would poe do?
Construction criticism
when it rains it pours, and when it pours we don’t go to class
and no, it’s not become an alcoholic and marry your 13 year old cousin.
can they get this over with so we can streak the lawn like we were promised?
page 4
page 5
page 9
contents page 4: top ten halloween costumes to raid goodwill for
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4
For slutty anything, though, you just need scissors.
page 6: secret agent sober sally
Table of
Go to a party and stay sober. You’ll learn some stuff you would have drunkenly forgotten.
page 7: From the streets What is your opinion on the n2 dining hall?
page 13: The Black Sheep’s Overly Specific October Horoscopes Well, about as specific as every other horoscope out there.
page 6
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page three
! k e e W e h t f o c Pi
COLLEGE KIDS I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE FACE "the one who thinkg they know everything
Sexy Anagrams
I AM BEER MAAAAN! (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Ark As Hi
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Rich Mesh Throws last week’s answers
Arianny Celeste & Ryan Phillippe
word of the week
Castrabate: A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship.
“Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”
page 4
fall’s reign
theblacksheeponline.com
pierce bishop wrote this
As fall crawls in like the cold, slimy rat it can be, Central Virginia will be hit by its seasonal spate of rain. For those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon, October will be a series of grey, rainy days that will (coupled with midterms, papers, and a DTR conversation with your hook-up buddy)cause you to plummet into a depression CAPS is no match for. So, while the wet days and wet pillows may be unavoidable, it would be nice to be aware of the physical dangers that await as college students act like complete idiots when they wake up to rain drops on their windows. Umbrellas: Students seem to have no clue how to properly use these, so much so that the simple metal and cloth objects are more likely to gouge out your eyes than shield rain. People, umbrellas are not for spinning, bobbing up and down, and certainly are not meant for swinging as you walk along. If anyone wanted to get that wet, they’d sit in the front row for a lispy professor’s lecture. For one thing, umbrellas take up a bunch of space when they are open. Little Laura with her sororitythemed print-on umbrella now takes up an ungodly amount of real estate. Her frame has been tripled, and she’s walking slowly so you will absolutely be late for class. We suggest only allowing fat people to carry umbrellas. At least they are conscious of their…um…extra space and are already more considerate. You, the one who lives in Page, young male of five-footseven and 120 pounds…GET A RAIN COAT!
Pizza
Boots: They are most certainly an agent of Lucifer. Little Laura is present again, but now she is swinging her feet in class (as she
always does). This is normally fine, almost cute, except this time she has sopping wet Hunter boots on her feet. STAB ME WITH A COLONIALERA ICE PICK! The constant squeak will surely necessitate more than the recommended dosage of migraine medication. With any luck, the professor will mention a key point in preparing for the exam…just as some Bean-Booted Bro returns from his bathroom break, squeaking out that vital information. Rest assured, no one will wipe their feet to lessen this pain…no one. Slip: It will happen at some point. You are going to slip walking into a building. Go ahead, wipe those shoe bottoms vigorously. It will still happen. Oh, yes, the tile floors in so many of the halls are great, especially due to their daily buffing, but the face plant you will execute will be less than brilliant. There you are shuffling across the door mat, thinking it is sufficient, then you take your first step on the tile…squueeee…you halve your pants, groin, and dignity in a swift motion. Drainage: After just an awful day of eye poking, migraines, and a groin pull, you can return to your sorry residence with some soul-comforting froyo. At least, you think. Ah, the trials of Central Virginia. Your solace will be entirely thwarted as
and Beer
Buy One, GeT One Free Pizza & aPPs every niGHT aFTer 10PM
Please, don’t be misguided: no one ever gets used to the rain. Rainy day in and rainy day out, you will suffer the same physical pains, complimenting the emotional wariness of the season. You shouldn’t even bother going to class. Goodness knows, you can’t escape the madness on the bus anymore.
1133 Emmet St Nor th
BrixxPizza.com
Has never
TasTed BeTTer!
you are swept away in a drainage current. The hills of Charlottesville are often pretty, but it makes for precarious storm water management. Have you ever been on 15th Street during a storm? Freaking trees are swept away it’s so bad. Can’t the city get a decent civil engineer to take care of it? Even avoiding being swept away means you’ll just get splashed by a car. Oh, Little Laura is majoring in civil engineering…that explains everything. Just get a raft. Hell, drowning may be the way to go after one of these days.
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What would poe do? Spencer Schloss wrote this
The Top 10
Halloween costumes to raid goodwill for With Halloween decorations already going up in public spaces and date functions resuming with their ridiculous themes, it’s time to start thinking about the classless Halloween costumes you’ll be putting together. 10.) Where’s Waldo: Maybe the first guy who dressed up as Waldo thought it was really clever, but now it’s overdone. It’s not unusual to hear those on door shift at frat parties yell, “NO MORE WALDOS.”
College is filled with an unfortunate multitude of awkward situations. You may have forgotten your sorority sister’s name. Maybe you neglected to do the reading, but got cold-called on. Or, better yet, you may just be suffering, nodding off in the hall after another night of being sexiled. During these times, we lucky UVa students can conjure up our inner weirdo and ask, what would Edgar Allan Poe do? Yes, he dropped out of this renowned university, but look where that got him! Maybe taking some of his advice will do us struggling students some good…or it will just leave us as unsuccessful college dropouts. Sure, UVa may have changed a bit since 1826, but once a Wahoo, always a Wahoo, right? So say you’re casually taking a Facebook study break in Clemons when that girl from your politics class interrupts your stalking to ask when your paper is due. Much to your horror, by some miraculous downturn of events, your stalking has led you through 564 of her tagged pictures and now here she is, in the flesh and on the screen. Now, what would Poe do? Of course, being the excellent novelist that he is, Poe would simply explain that he is in the midst of a new mystery novel, The Tell-Tale Heart: Part 2, and she is the basis for the main character the stalking is merely procedure to gather enough information for the story. Buzz…buzz. The classic “phone vibrate” in your twenty-person lecture. Everyone is looking around uncomfortably, and you are stuck in the awkward, “Is it mine? Do I check it?” It’s the standard paranoia that students of the 21st century often endure. If you find yourself faced with this dilemma, all you must do is ask what your fellow Hoo, Edgar, would have done, WWED? Mr. Poe did not have the luxury of a cell phone during his time at the university, but, being the suave man of mystery that he was, he would have nonchalantly reached into his backpack to see if the mystery buzz was indeed his. Then there’s parent’s formal. Yes, parent’s formals can be a fun time when the spheres of college and family collide, but what happens when the guy from your history class who borrowed your pen ONE TIME (never gave it back) asks you to meet the ‘rents for his “casual” parent’s formal this weekend? Before you panic, channel your inner Poe and just claim that you can’t because you’re already going to a rave(n) this weekend (then he will talk to you nevermore). Or how about walking back from your discussion along the bridge by Bryan Hall (otherwise known as the pedestrian autobahn), your text to your roomie is interrupted by, “Hey, what’s up?” This may seem like a normal occurrence; however, the timing of your friend’s question is poorly planned and leaves you with minimal opportunity for a full response. Had your friend been considerate of this awkward time lapse, he would have given you a simple head nod and saved you the trouble of frantically choosing an appropriate response. Do you just go with a “Hey” and leave him wondering “What’s up”? Or do you rapidly blurt out, “Hey, not much”? That could come across as rude for not asking how he is. Omniscient Poe to the rescue! He would respond with an improvised poem that would stop your friend in his tracks (allowing time to finish the poem) and to explain (through verse) how it is inappropriate to ask one such a question if they are not allowed a sufficient response time. Finally, you see an acquaintance while walking home from class and stop to chat (you’re polite). With the slightly uncomfortable small talk ending, you say your goodbyes only to realize that fate is against you: you are both STILL walking in the same direction. WWED? At this point the awkwardness would be too much for Edgar, and he would simply dropout. Looking into it, Poe’s looking more and more like your average college student. He’s a neurotic man with a drinking problem and a really, really messed-up love life. Sound like anyone else you know?
9.) Slutty anything: Skanky costumes really only need one good prop to function. Cop? Handcuffs. Doctor? Stethoscope. Once you have the actual prop, you can put on whatever slutty dress you have in a neutral color and call yourself the slutty version of whatever you’re trying to be. 8.) Celebrity look-alike: If you’re a guy and have shoulder-length hair of any hair color, you’ve been told that you “look” like Shaun White. All you have to do is throw on any snowboarding gear of any sort and you’re good to go. Though unoriginal, any drunk chick with beer goggles will think you look more and more like Mr. Right as the night wears on. 7.) Laxtitutes: Dress up just like any other jersey chaser—your favorite UVa jersey with booty shorts underneath, only tote around a champagne flute and one of those long cigarette holders to let the world know you’re the classiest tramp of them all. 6.) ABC outfits: These always make for great pictures at the very beginning of the night, but ultimately lead to embarrassing stories by the end of the night. While highly creative and commendable in terms of the amount of effort that went into creating the art piece, these costumes are a double-edged sword. What if you decide to go back to his place? Don’t be surprised if pictures of your walk of shame are tweeted later. 5.) Superhero: Who doesn’t love seeing a good superhero on Halloween weekend? Any guy that is bold enough to rock the spandex as Spiderman or Superman has our vote. 4.) The guy who was unoriginal and threw on a jersey last second: Not surprisingly, girls get a lot more into Halloween weekend than their male counterparts do. All the time a guy spends fantasizing about what whatever her name is wearing on Halloween weekend totally made him forget that he has to wear something too. 3.) Nicki Minaj/Lady Gaga/Ke$ha: The more obnoxious and ridiculous, the better. Glitter, feathers, and mascara in any combination is a recipe for success when it comes to emulating these freaks. If you make an actual meat dress, bonus points for you. 2.) Any historical/educational figure: Attending UVa means that you’re a nerd in more ways than you’re willing to admit, and Halloween is a time when all the inner nerds display their true colors. Jackie Onasis, Bill Nye, our beloved TJ…all these figures require basic historical knowledge, and you better believe that other nerds at this school will know exactly who you are dressed as. 1.) Cowgirl: Plenty of UVa lasses own the outfit staples of cowboy boots and a comfy flannel. The exceptional ones will have there’s tied at their midriff with cut-off denim booty shorts. While not creative, it is always a well-received costume among the upstanding male students of UVa.
the black sheep staff wrote this
page 6
Secret Agent Sober Sally
theblacksheeponline.com
Lauren Bryant wrote this
This is going to sound crazy, but give me a chance before you run through a window Kristin Wiig-style. Here it goes: Sometimes, some people go out to parties and don’t drink. Blew your mind right? This is a real-life occurrence that I have seen with my own eyes. For those of you who don’t know what it’s like to be on the sober side of that situation, I did a little experimenting by abstaining from drinking at a party and can now report back to you what it was like. First of all, you may be asking, “Why on earth would someone go to a party and not drink?” Let’s just pretend that one has a big test the next day or last week, but you were accidentally drunk all weekend, and you and your liver are in the process of making up. Maybe you’re allergic to alcohol. Maybe all they have at your party is cheap, disgusting beer and you’d rather be around a bunch of drunken idiots instead of drinking that Natty…er…nasty stuff. Now that you’re inside the head of someone who isn’t going to drink when they go out, grab a Solo cup, pour your soda in it, and examine the party environment. It’s like being a spy. You arrive at the party, and everything is pretty normal because at this point, only a few people have been pre-
gaming. As more people start to show up with varying B.A.C.s, it starts to get more interesting. For instance, as your friends start getting buzzed, you’ll actually notice it. It’s pretty amusing. All of a sudden, the lushes will find it appropriate to start yelling everything instead of talking, even though the party hasn’t gotten loud. There will be lots of screaming and stumble-into-each-other hugging happening as people begin to arrive. As the party starts to kick up a notch, your drunken friends will start dancing erratically, and when their favorite nineties song comes on, they will start jumping and screaming, “I love this song!” while simultaneously spilling their drinks all over everyone around them. You, meanwhile, will be having fun dancing with them and singing the lyrics to your favorite nineties song, just without spilling drinks all over everybody. Then, as your friends really start getting loopy, they will tell you all of their darkest secrets, like who they have a crush on, who they used to have a crush on (but turned out to be a real asshole), that they hooked up with that guy over there and were hoping to never see them again, etc. The best part is, you will remember all of these details later and they will never remember that they told you. Ba-
sically, you’ll be ready for the CIA when you’re done with this experiment. Finally, people will start leaving to go to other parties if they haven’t had enough yet, or back home so their head can get reacquainted with their toilet. You will be aware enough to make sure that your friends get home okay because you’re a good friend. You’ll justify ordering a pizza because you deserve it after not drinking all of those calories. Certainly, you will relish the fact that you had fun at a party with your friends (as a secret agent for the night, no less) and were able to actually get work done the next day while earning forgiveness points from your liver.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What is your opinion on the N2 dining hall? “I find it to be the opposite of aesthetically pleasing. It’s quite ugly.” - Art
“It looks like a greenhouse. I don’t have a meal plan, and I was there only one time during this semester, but it felt like the building was going to fall down.”- Melissa
“It makes me feel like a plant” - Pengbo
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
The Grid
Sunday Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
Happy Hours Specials: $3 Apps/$3 Margaritas Late Night Drink Specials: $2 VA Gentleman Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
Grad School Night! $2 Drafts & $2 Bourbon
We have Felix and Awesome T-Shirts
4-7 $2 Drafts
Enjoy a happy hour whilst kicking your friends’ butt in Connect 4 (other games available)
Freaky Friday Free Garlic Knots with any 18’’ Large Pizza
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
College Football Day!
Grab a bucket of beer and hang out on the balcony.
Gameday Show your game ticket and get $4 off any order
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
$3 Pitchers
Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
Happy Hour Specials: $1 Tacos Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 Rails/Green Card Member Deals Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails $5 Big Burritos Late Night Drink Specials: $10 Mexican Beer Buckets $5 Malibu Long Islands Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
Get $1 OFF
MON. 9/24
Happy Hour Specials: $5 pitchers w/Any App! Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Sauza Tequila Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
TUES. 9/25
Just tell us you read The Black Sheep
Happy Hour Specials: $6 Fajitas Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 BL 16oz. Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
WED. 9/26
SUNDAY 9/23
FRIDAY 9/21
Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
MONDAY: 4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
SAT. 9/22
THURS. SPECIAL 9/20 NIGHT
Rapture
Happy Hour Specials: All you can eat tacos Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Pitchers of Baja Gold Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
4-7 $2 Drafts $2 Rails
Boylan Dance Night 10pm
Over 80 Bottled Beers
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Salsa Night lesson at 7, dance party at 8
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Dane Alderson & Friends 10:00 PM (Free) Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
10 Constantly Changing Taps
Locally sourced food from sustainable farms
Every Day: Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails from 3 Until 7
UmlautGoth & Industrial Dance Party 10:00 PM
Wahoo Wednesday
$10 XL Cheese Pizza All Day
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Charlottesville Music Showcase 10:00 PM (FREE)
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Construction Criticism
page 9
uva staff wrote this
The construction around Grounds is slated to continue into the next year, and the next year, and the year after that. The year after that, though, everything should be done. Well, not really, the university will still be forcing students to take the long way to Nau/Gibson and listen to the sound of power tools, a chorus even an orangebibbed Home Depot employee couldn’t love, during any class in New Cabell. From Rugby, the sound of backhoes beeping away can be heard as they build the new indoor football facility behind University Hall. Lost in that project is the notion that University Hall already has, and will continue to, bastardize the view of the Blue Ridge Mountains. The West Range, the South Lawn, the Drama/ A School Annex, Alderman Dorms, and Newcomb Hall have all fallen prey to the wave of construction. Wasn’t that exactly what you were looking forward to when you came to UVA? One of the most beautiful campuses in the world having more cranes per capita than Abu Dhabi? Watching men scale the scaffolding jungle gym surrounding our Rotunda, though, one must wonder what other projects the University could undertake. Has anyone noticed the beige pavilion at the end of the Lawn? It is amazing that with all of this rather inconvenient construction and restoration, slapping a coat of white paint on the pavilion to match the rest of the architecture at UVA
isn’t at all on the radar. Granted, the point is for that particular pavilion renovation was to return the structure to its original look, but why exactly did they do just one, especially the one on the end? Heck, even the City of Charlottesville is feeling adventurous with the planned fencing of the railroad tracks. Why not just create a sky walk between Chancellor and Virginia similar to the new handicap ramp built for Old Cabell? At least then the drunken stumbles that occur more frequently than a sorority girl checks the Lily website would be on a more forgiving surface. No one likes a mixture of gravel and rail road ties annihilating their knees. Even better, perhaps we could replace our newly inefficient bus system, stairs, and sidewalks with a system of horizontal and vertical escalators just like an airport. Since South Lawn’s…uh… lawn was quickly opened and then blocked off from all humanity for Cabell renovations, isn’t that the perfect place for a horizontal walkway? Imagine how entertaining that would be. If nothing else, this would make the sprint to class from Clark to Gibson laughable. People will assume this improvement will enhance their speed, only to be thwarted by a complete oaf standing on the left side (walk left, stand right, folks).
The fact of the matter is that UVa is a complete mess at the moment, infrastructure-wise. The only thing wholly unaffected seems to be…wait for it…wait for it…the Comm School (surprise surprise). And, who is the most affected…again…wait…the kids studying the most liberal of the liberal arts. Yes, they have the pretty South Lawn institutions of Nau and Gibson, but try getting there without sweating like Todd Akin in a room full of rape victims. The University of Virginia has put us all under enough stress already…Can’t we just go streak the Lawn without getting trapped in a construction parking lot on the way there?
Flipping Flippingthe thescript script so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...
dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin’
We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves for watching. So, as we at The Black Sheep prefer to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan
ron swanson on survivor
Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tip toe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.
Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, Buffets, and Honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out-matched only by his mustache.
Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.
charlie day on america’s got talent
dave rose on top chef
Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.
Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?
back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini. Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.
Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.
sterling (malory) archer on
stars earn stripes Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, years of athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in. Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.
Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.
lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit
Win or Lose?
Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.
Win or Lose?
Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well. Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.
out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.
Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.
Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.
Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of The Night Man Cometh, if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.
Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come
Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedule and no time for a social life.
Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.
Win or Lose?
The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.
louie on the bachelorette
Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.
the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.
Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like…good. This won’t bode well because…
Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.
the interview
junk culture
Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept to finished product? Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question. TBS: I know. Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.” TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward? Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time. TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you? Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work. TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live? Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it. TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song? Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out. TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show? Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would always be interesting to see—doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that. TBS: Five words to describe your live show. Deepak: Tough, rock. TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music? Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be? Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend? TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long. Deepak: What about a gnome or something? TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome. Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something. TBS: No amusement parks, though.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.
the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.
matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.” That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Dietrich Blue Light Grill What would be your late afternoon drink? Something with mint in it, like a mojito, probably, for the late afternoon, it’s refreshing. But now that it’s getting cooler, I’d probably stick with a mint julep. What do you like to make for a customer? Something bourbon-based like a Sazerac or a Manhattan, I make really nice ones. I like to take an orange peel on top, squeeze out the zest and light it with a flame, gives it that smoking orange flavor. What would you suggest for a drink if someone ordered one of the burgers here? The burgers have a real strong taste, so probably a hoppy beer or an IPA, or something like that.
the drinking game
mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.
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Most overrated beer? Any light beer - Bud Light - there’s not really any taste but everyone drinks them because you can pound them and drink as many as you want. Are you a native of Charlottesville? Well, I moved here for school five years ago, and stuck around to work on developing a business, in the meantime, this is a good way to make money while staying focused on my goal. It doesn’t look like the patrons get out of control here. Or do they? It depends. For the most part, people in the Downtown Mall behave themselves. But last week, some guy went to the bathroom and pooped on the floor. We tried to make him clean it up, but he wouldn’t.
Recipe for Disaster
state fair mac’n’cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow. Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one). - Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet. - While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl. - Beat two eggs in another bowl. - Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour. - Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered. - Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy. - Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in. You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?
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The Black Sheep Overly Specific October Horoscope
page 13
uva staff wrote this
ARIES: The start of colder weather combined with the beginning of fall trends leads you to assume that chapped lips and hard nips are in this year. You’re wrong though; chapped lips and hard nips are in every year. Like leggings. TAURUS: The unexplained happens as you’re drawn to watching a sitcom about gay guys adopting babies. You deny watching the show to your friends, but they soon catch on as you start taking better care of your skin. GEMINI: A cafeteria binge leaves you incapacitate with a taco-demon reeking havoc in your stomach. You attempt to perform an “exorcism” of this bad karma by overdosing on laxatives, and the suffering evens it out. CANCER: The results of your last exam have induced a buying spree of 5-Hour Energy, Adderall, and salted caramel mochas in preparation for your upcoming exam. Unfortunately, your “broom hand” is too jittery to fill out the scantron.
LEO: This Sweetest Day, single you is visited by your ghosts of girlfriends past. True to character, they all show up drunk, crying, and you know, dead. VIRGO: You give the trick-or-treaters a scare when you open the door wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and loincloth. You may have dressed-down for Halloween, but we recommend dressing up for your impending court date. LIBRA: You fall victim to Olin’s business ploy/Devil’s Night prank when you use one of the condoms they covered with pepper and poked a hole in. Stay hydrated. SCORPIO: Congrats, the sultry looks you’ve been giving your T.A. have paid off, and after class she rewards you with a “hay ride” and trip to her “petting zoo.” Hopefully, for your sake, you’re into involving animals in your sex life and women with mustaches made out of hay.
DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!
“The Freshman 15”
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SAGGITARIUS: Your new diet of Captain, cider, and donuts has you leaving spooky, smelly farts haunting all the rooms you have class in. The same kind of farts from which Slimer originated. CAPRICORN: Haunted houses no longer frighten you, as you brave a much more frightening quest and take a dump at Carr’s Hill. AQUARIUS: You fear a rip in the space-time continuum has happened during the weekend of the thirteenth, but then you just realize that all these people saying that they are “you in twenty years” are just alumni coming back for homecoming. PISCES: This fall the falling leaves fall in line with you falling in love with a little fault called alcoholism as you fall off the wagon once and for (f)all.
the riddle
can you figure out what the hell this riddle says? email us the question and the answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and possibly win a prize!
the classtime
summer & winter olympic sports
Across
1) A certain Cleveland native comes to mind. 3) Love! 4) Nicole Richie would suck at this sport. 7) Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. 10) Tweet, tweet. 11) Neigh! 12) This grappling sport means “gentle way.” 13) Hipsters on steroids. 17) Stickin’ that booty out for the good of the sport. 18) Housewives would pick this up so easily. 19) A new addition for the 2016 Rio games.
5) Forrest Gump would definitely win a gold medal. 6) These nasty people get flexy. 8) Iceland digs this sport the most. 9) Really intense football, basically. 14) First played in 19th century Canada. 15) White picket. 16) This was known as yachting until 1996. 20) One of the most dangerous sports.
Down
2) Skeet, skeet, skeet. 3) Three times the difficulty.
Answers
Six degrees of separation
Think you know how Roseanne Barr and Matthew McConaughey are connected?
Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
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Meet The Staff
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owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone, Jakob Scheidt, AJ Nair Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
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Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the quiz: who is your white house hook-up? Regardless of how many morals you may think you have, when you’re seven SoCo limes in you’re going to be thinking with your nether regions, not your brain. Therefore you’re going to find a hook-up buddy, even if just for the night. So in the spirit of election season, take our quiz to find out which political person you would grab at 2 a.m.
8) What do you do the morning after a political victory? a) Press the meat…on your g-spot. b) Mimosas over the Washington Post. c) Establish citizenship in a different country and run for office there.
6) How do you engage with younger voters? a) Invite them over to the big house for some homemade brew. b) Outlining a series of policies that benefit them, like anal. c) Pop out enough babies to win the popular vote yourself. 7) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 8) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
9) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
answer key
5) Do you think gays should be allowed to marry? a) I’m Pro-Chick-fil-A, that shit is delicious. b) As long as I can keep doing what I’m doing, then I don’t care. c) Yes, all couples deserve the same benefits.
9) What would you do if you ran into a former opponent in public? a) Have one of your aides make up an excuse while you hide in the bathroom. b) Politely offer your well-wishes and move on with your day. c) Challenge them to a debate in the closest broom closet you can find.
5) a = 2, b = 1, c = 3 6) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
3) What do you look for in a potential running mate? a) A body to die for, but brain dead. b) Let’s just say it’s important they know their constituates intimately. c) Firm goals you believe in, with a butt to match.
7) What political perk would you casually drop in conversation? a) Your awesome view of Russia. b) The free condoms in the Oval Office. c) Having a full-time chef at your disposal.
3) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 4) a = 3, b = 2, c = 1
2) What’s the first thing you try to find out about a political opponent? a) If they like to get dirty. b) If their charity work involves washing the dirty. c) Just the dirt, immediately.
4) What is your stance on abortion? a) Pro-choice all day, every day. b) I’m pro-banging, is that enough for you? c) Psh, only if it’s legitimate rape.
1) a = 3, b = 1, c = 2 2) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
1) What political euphemism for sex would you drop on a hook-up? a) “How about we get bipartisan up in this?” b) “Judging by the look in your eye, the House of Representatives gavel isn’t the only think I’ll be banging tonight.” c) “Don’t Linda Tripp over my huge cock.”
less PAY more PLAY
9-14 Points: Sauced-Up and Sexy Sarah Palin or Paul Ryan They aren’t the sharpest crayons in the box, and they go off on all sorts of crazy drunken rambles about who knows what, but none of that matters when their ripped abs and beautiful hair are in your bed. These are the freaks who are stupid enough to try anything (or position) once, which makes for an awesome one-night-stand. It’s best to leave it at that though, because any future run-in’s with these crazy people will either be awkward or just uncomfortable. 15 - 21 Points: Exxxperienced Pooty Tang Monica Lewsinky or Anthony Weiner Usually a slick undergrad with a badass fake-ID or a 5th senior, these folks know what they want and are not shy about getting it. Maybe they’ve gotten extra credit in unconventional ways, or have taken a naughty picture or two in their day but, hey, that kind of shit really turns you on, and that’s cool. Whether it’s a one-night hook-up or something that turns into a regular weekend booty call, you know that whenever it goes down it’s going to be the real deal. 22 - 27 Points: Diamond in the Rough Barack or Michelle Obama You aren’t one to normally pick up a random at the bar, but we all have basic human urges that need to be fulfilled sometimes. Lucky for you, you’ve got a good enough filter to pick out the quality hook-ups in the dark depths of a dirty bar, the ones with just enough gusto to be inticing but with what appears to be (on the outside) a solid STD-free record. So it may not be the love of your life, but at least it’ll be a memory you’ll look back on fondly.
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