The Black Sheep
FR EE .. bu . Like zz fo reac ra h af ing te an rn oo imm n g ac am ulat e. e
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 4 9/27/12 - 10/3/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
the lawn assault the black sheep staff wrote this
You are a sitting duck. We all find ourselves in the same boat: class starts in two minutes and you are running from Monroe to Wilson, you scamper around slow folks in front of Garret, and, then…COME TO THE BLAH BLAH BLAH SHOW…SUPPORT CANCER RESEARCH…HELP THE CHILDREN…When you finally make it to class, you have more paper in your pocket than 2 Chainz at a strip club, and you have missed the first 5 minutes of lecture. While a lot of us have been in the position of doling out hand bills, the people that do it are still the bane of our existence. Why are they so persistent? Do they really think I care about their Winter Break trip to a National Park to preserve wildlife? How do I get them to ignore me and let me get to class? Well, here are some options. Their own medicine: As that sashaying thespian gets you in their sights, aiming to coerce you into coming to this season’s musical, shock them! As they start to poke you with their brightly-colored announcement, give out your own. Preferably, it should say something rather jarring, like “PUNCH BABIES! DRINK UNICORN BLOOD!” You don’t even have to say anything, though, a simple, “support the cause!” would be a nice touch. Bob and Weave: As you approach the Lawn, pull your backpack to the front and cradle it like a football. Now begin to sprint, making sure to juke around the optimistic panderers. Each time you get past someone, unleash your inner Chris Berman and yell “WOOOP!” If it is a really impressive spin and stiff arm of the would-be coercer combo, take the Madden tact and exclaim, “HIGHLIGHT STICK!” Unless rugby is tabling, chances are you will be very much left alone. Shake and Bake: They think you are just going to take the flyer, but you give them a bit more. Prepare a high-quality secret handshake and act like they know the progression of the salutation. Make sure you get a second hand into it, maybe a solid chest bump. If your enthusiasm is matched, you can give a look of, “Wow, dude, chill.” If they step away in fear, that’s still a win for you as you don’t have to fold a
fall’s reign
piece of paper and stuff it in your back pocket. You will have been too busy dapping up to take a handbill. Focus: Short on creativity? Look them in the eyes. Deep in the eyes. Don’t say a word; just give a solid, stern look right in the eyes. Make sure it lasts at least five seconds as that is usually when awkwardness sets in. Try to incorporate intimidation in the look. Think about the one time your roommate stole your last beer: give ‘em that look! Better yet, express the look you suppressed after your girlfriend vomited on your bed sheets last weekend. If they still want
what’s inside
to give you a flyer at this point, you should probably ask them out on a date. That kind of persistence should be rewarded with a dinner…downtown at that. Of course, you could just be a decent person and say, “No, thank you,” to a flyer, but that is frustrating after the thousandth time. For those that will be handing out flyers in the future, do keep in mind how annoying you can be. People are trying to get to class. If they wanted to get assaulted, they’d be on Culbreth on a Saturday night picking up some drugs.
what would poe do?
Construction criticism
when it rains it pours, and when it pours we don’t go to class
and no, it’s not become an alcoholic and marry your 13 year old cousin.
can they get this over with so we can streak the lawn like we were promised?
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