The Black Sheep
FR EE ... Lik at e m UTK ak ’s ing ex bu pe ns tt jo e! ke s
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 5 10/4/12 - 10/10/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
Take a Walk
Lauren Bryant wrote this
If someone said to me, “In one word, describe walking around Grounds as a first year,” I would say: Painful. I didn’t think to ask about this as an incoming first year. Like most people, I had never heard of the term, “sidewalk rage.” However, it is something that all of my Facebook friends have heard us complain about it. Now that we’re about a month into school and we’ve all experienced it, let’s commiserate: 10-15 minutes seem like it would be plenty of time to get from Bryan Hall to Gilmer right? Wrong. What most first years don’t anticipate when planning their schedule, is that everyone’s class ends at the same time as yours, and everyone is trying to go every which way, and be there at the same time you’re trying to get there. Sound hectic? It is. Then there’s the lack of sidewalk space coupled with tons of people. There are over 21,000 students at UVA. That’s a lot of people, and that’s not even considering faculty and visitors (we’ll cover visitors later). So picture yourself, walking as fast as you can in your boots on those small, uneven bricks, in a sea of bag-toting students and faculty, some walking in the same direction as you (but mostly not), and sweating in a rainy 34 degrees (which, let’s face it, was every day of the winter season last year). Excited to be a Wahoo yet? Let’s continue. Oh texting, Everything that’s good and evil about college. Everyone says texting and driving is dangerous, but let’s consider the perils of texting and speed-walking. These include, but are not limited to: puddles, inevitable head-on collisions with other textersand-walkers, stepping into busy streets, bigger puddles, etc. Is your monosyllabic text message really worth the risk? Who can forget awkward eye contact. When you’re passing so many people in one 10-15 minute interval, you’re bound to see several people that you know. Sometimes they’re caught up in a conversation, and the only person who hears your, “Hey!” is the other person in the conversation, who gives you an awkward look and continues walking. Also, most people walking to class are listening to something with earbuds, creating an odd visual. It resembles a thousand, tightly packed, traveling zombies wearing backpacks. To add to the awkwardness, there are those tables next to the sidewalks with people trying to get you to take a free sandwich. Don’t they know that we are way too serious about learning
getting the most out of your roadtrip
to stop for a sandwich?! Instead, the sandwich-pushers try yelling something about how their free sandwich helps some humanitarian cause, then awkwardly gauge your speed relative to their ability to hand out flyers. Visitors are the final obstacle that an unsuspecting first year must hurdle when walking to class: the prospective student tours. These groups of awed teenagers and their nervous wreck parents walk as slowly as possible and take up as much space as they can. If there’s one thing that will make you late to class, it’s getting stuck behind a
what’s inside qdoba vs. chipotle
there are just some things you have to leave c-ville for.
we tackle this age-old debate before those fat old bastards in the supreme court do.
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tour group. We all were in those tour groups, we all made someone late to class, we all pay the price for it. Circle of life. At least when it comes time for Days on the Lawn, you’ll be such a pro at getting around tour groups that the only reason you’ll notice them is from the panicked shrieks of, “Old Dorms aren’t air conditioned?!” So, to best prepare for the hassles to come, we recommend getting a wristwatch, durable rain boots, dark sunglasses, an inhaler, and a new therapist.
the dangers of taking it up the butt utk made a real cognitive leap last week, we wonder how that’s going for them...
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contents page 5: Top ten: things to do with time travel
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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And no, have sex with all your exes didn’t make the list.
page 7: from the streets
Table of
You’ve just had a depressing setback. What do you drink?
page 9: UVA to form actual grammar police squad Grammar police? what a violation of our rights great idea!
page 11: The Black Sheep Interviews Zedd This music maker talks parallels between Skrillex and Justin Bieber.
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word of the week
Disshertation: Any longwinded, angry diatribe one woman makes towards another woman.
“Lisa’s disshertation on Theresa’s formal dress got her over 300,000 YouTube views and one lost Facebook friend.”
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Getting the most out of your roadtrip UVA Staff wrote this Okay, let’s be honest about Charlottesville. It’s a great place to live. In fact, C-Ville was voted the Best Place to Live in America at least once. There’s a great music and art scene, there are more restaurants per capita than New York City, we have a great university, and it’s the definition of a small city—you can get that city vibe but it’s cleaner, there’s less crime (we all know the five homeless people on the Corner), and there are fewer people. But there are certain things that you have to leave Charlottesville to do. So if you’re looking to take a road trip, here are some things that you should get out of town to do.
not at six o’clock in the morning under the influence of tryptophan, then you need to go to DC, Richmond, or Williamsburg. If you stayed in Charlottesville, you would run out of places to shop before the day was up. Or you’d spend an hour wandering around Fashion Square Mall until you found nothing of interest except meth head townies. Who really wants to do that? Clubbing: Are there even any clubs in Charlottesville? Who knows? Contrary to the belief of X Lounge, you should probably do that somewhere else. If you need more of a reason to leave get out, consider that no one wants to see you drunkenly fist pump at Trinity. Ever.
Get a mani-pedi: Sure there are some places in Charlottesville to get your nails done, but do they even compare to the places you can go to in Richmond or DC? No. If you just want to get your nails painted a shade that wasn’t what you expected, then sure, go to a place in Charlottesville. However, if you want a relaxing almost spa-like experience when you get your nails done that takes your mind off your latest one-night stand, get out of town. It’s a must-do…you can avoid his texts asking to go to Virg.
Visit Museums: If you’re into history, there’s a ton of awesome historical stuff in Charlottesville. If, however, you are looking for a great place to drop your family off for the day so that they can be tourists and you can avoid your grandpa embarrassing you with his fanny pack and kneelength socks, go to DC. Really, your social life will thank you.
Go shopping: If you want to spice up your wardrobe in preparation for fall weather, get out of C’ville to do your shopping. Sure, there’s Barracks Road, which has some good places, and there are a few cute shops on the Downtown Mall. But if you’re looking to have a day (or weekend) of shop-till-you-drop madness like Black Friday, but
Ride the Metro: If you happen to come across an underground train packed with people traveling all throughout Charlottesville, let us know...what drugs you’re taking. Riding the Metro is definitely one of those things you just can’t do here. So make sure that you take advantage of it while you’re in the DC area. That way, when you’re com-
Pizza and Beer
Buy One, GeT One Free Pizza & aPPs every niGHT aFTer 10PM
So while there are plenty of things to do in Charlottesville, there are a few things that you can and should only do in a bigger city like DC. But...you know... if someone wants to bring some of these things to Charlottesville, we would be open to it. Hint hint.
1133 Emmet St Nor th
BrixxPizza.com
Has never
TasTed BeTTer!
plaining about public transportation here (as we all do), you will cherish the experience of that ever-convenient Metro in DC. With that said, anyone who worked in DC over the summer knows that even Satan wouldn’t claim the evil of Rush Plus.
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Qdoba vs Chipotle:
The Debate Goes On Alessandra Hope wrote this
10.) Kill Hitler. Paradoxes and alternate realities be damned - it’s a universally agreed-upon rule that if you gain the power to travel in time, you kill Hitler. Period. If he still somehow manages to murder-rape Europe, everyone will call you a dick when you get back to the present.
Chipotle
Chipotle has made a commitment to the consumer that it will serve the best ingredients with the absolute highest respect towards animals, the environment, and farmers. All vegetarians can find solace in the fact that Chipotle tries to maintain its reputation as being as animal-friendly as possible while still killing delicious chickens, delicious cows, and delicious, delicious pigs. Food for thought (but mostly price). No one is going to tell you that Chipotle isn’t worth the price. For $6.55, you can get a burrito or a burrito bowl and top it off with an assortment of vegetables of your choosing. Hey, just because the vegetables didn’t die with dignity, that doesn’t make them less delicious. Cons: The nearest Chipotle in Charlottesville is located in the Barracks Road Shopping Center, a car ride’s length away or a 40 minute bus ride on the Northline. Not so convenient for the gnawing munchies you so badly have after-a-latenight partying. The music is too weird. Every time one walks into Chipotle, one never knows what to expect musically. African tribal music quickly followed by Indian Bollywood, followed by Eddie Freakin’ Money. There’s certainly no discrimination on Chipotle’s part. Although Chipotle was and still is cheaper than Qdoba, with comparatively the same amount of food, it always sucks when a company raises their prices. Chipotle may pride itself on being organic and globally sustainable, but at what cost (to my pocketbook) Chipotle? At what cost?
Things to Do with a Time Machine We have not seen Looper yet, but we think that mob hits are an awful way to squander time traveling technology. Here’s what we’d do instead of provoke Bruce Willis:
The Qdoba vs. Chipotle debate is heavily contested among University of Virginia students. Considering the (alleged) intelligence of UVa’s student body, this debate could go on for ages. While both exist as Mexican food chain restaurants, supporters of one are vehemently opposed to an outsider saying the other is as good as its counterpart. Well, let’s see where the truth lies in this delicious burrito-eat-burrito world.
Pros: Chipotles are everywhere. Every kid from NoVa will tell you they know all the locations of every Chipotle within a 20-mile radius of their home in excruciating detail. “Bro, it’s next to that Starbucks on Lincoln in Fairfax, you know, the one next to that grocery store and the kabob place that’s always empty. No, not that one, the other one.” Not only is Chipotle usually conveniently located beside a Starbucks, it is also on the way home from whatever sports practice you attended in high school. This adds to the fond sense of whimsy you have for the burrito-building establishment.
The Top 10
Qdoba Pros: Location Location Location. With Qdoba being conveniently located on The Corner, it makes it extremely easy to hit up on the weekends when you’re craving Mexican food that you will undoubtedly throw up in some frat toilet later. At Chipotle, you may find yourself waiting a good ten minutes before you start ordering. Thankfully at Qdoba, lines are usually short and can satisfy your hunger faster, even with the implications short lines may have. Qdoba charges less for guacamole. Chipotle’s price of $1.95 for guac makes most college students choose to go without. Guacamole is Mexican food at its finest, you can’t forgo the guacamole unless you’re setting yourself up for a big bout of self-loathing later on that day. Cons: Can you believe Qdoba closes at 10p.m.? Unlike its neighbors, Littlejohn’s and the White Spot, its closing time is unbearably early, you can’t actually hit it up when you’re having the munchies or want to drunk eat. Why Qdoba does not realize how much money it can make by staying open at least one extra hour is beyond us. It takes slightly longer to make than Chipotle. Due to Chipotle’s assembly line style of service, their food can be served almost instantly. Qdoba can leave you waiting for a couple extra minutes, and those minutes mean a lot when you’re starving. Chipotle has done a better job of marketing itself to the general public. Compared to Qdoba’s 17 measly locations, Chipotle gives me 120. After all of that, it’s still impossible to decipher a clear victor. Like the delicious food this piece argued, the resolution is wrapped in a soft, warm debate tortilla, forever argued over late into the night by drunken frat boys all over Grounds.
9.) Profit. There is no one among us who wouldn’t benefit from being disgustingly rich. Given the power to travel in time, we would get tomorrow’s lottery numbers and use the winnings to buy WWII bonds, which we would sell and buy Microsoft stock just before the boom. 8.) Freak Out Cavemen. Cavemen were stupid. How hilarious would it be to watch them run in fear from light bulbs, or hit cars with sticks? SO hilarious! 7.) Stop National Tragedies Before They Begin. We would punch Mrs. bin Laden in the ovaries, warn Pearl Harbor that shit’s about to go down, get Vernon Howell’s mom to get that kid in therapy and convince Snooki’s dad to pay for the abortion. 6.) Create Paradoxes. What would happen if we killed our great grandfathers before they had kids? Or handed an umbrella to the guy who was just about to invent the umbrella? Or stopped the unfair execution of a plucky young hippogriff? We don’t know, but we just bet it would be fun to find out! 5.) Dominate a Dinosaur. If you managed to tame and ride a triceratops like your own lizardy beast of war, you would basically win at life. You could name him Reggie Jackson and take him back to the future, where he would furiously defend his master and the President gives you his job because holy shit that guy tamed a goddamn dinosaur! 4.) Stop the World’s Most Notorious Villain. America still suffers today under the yoke of a totalitarian Russian government, put in place by the most infamous villain in history: John F Kennedy. With time travel, we would stop him before he has a chance to enslave all Americans and hand the keys to America over to Soviet President Brezhnev. Of course, we’d manage to pin it all on some mook from New Orleans, or something. 3.) Host Time Tours. The world has no shortage of Whovians, historians or creationists. Think of all the money you can make taking guided tour groups through the French Revolution! Think about having exclusive biography rights to the Bard! Think of how much fun it would be taking a fundamental Christian through the steps of evolution! 2.) Party Hard. Our country’s fun uncle, Ben Franklin, was known for being awesome. Imagine if you got him, Louis XIV, Roman emperor Nero, a couple Vikings, some Russians and Andrew Jackson at the same awesome party. Now imagine you got Smirnoff to sponsor said awesome party. Now go take a cold shower. 1.) Forrest Gump Photobombs. Old timey portraiture famously features modern celebrity lookalikes, like Anne Hathaway and Nicolas Cage. Noobs, we say. If we had the power to be anywhere in time, we would troll so hard. You would see us giving bunny ears to General Robert E. Lee and giving our best duck face behind Teddy Roosevelt. We would photobomb the holy hell out of war conferences and music festivals, and we’d even sneak into posed portraits of constitutional delegates. Then we’d sneak into the future and relish in the religions that will have been built around us.
the black sheep staff wrote this
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The Dangers of Taking It Up the Butt Pierce Bishop wrote this
Recently, a University of Tennessee student was taken to the hospital in critical condition due to a BAC of greater than .40 (you know, the point where death occurs). On its face, this is innocuous given how often college students indulge too liberally when taking booze “to the face.” However, this time the incident was atypical. The University of Tennessee police report stated that the deathly intoxication was from “butt-chugging.” Indeed, this practice involves, “inserting a tube into the anus and then funneling an alcoholic beverage rectally,” perhaps more scientifically referred to as an “alcohol enema.” A Knoxville police spokesman speculated as to the reasoning underlying this activity with the explanation that the, “abundance of capillaries and blood vessels present greatly heightens the level and speed of the alcohol entering the blood stream, as it bypasses the filtering by the liver.” Well, thank God a professional was available to clarify this sound logic. I mean, why waste time taking ‘Crat pulls when you can take a real ass shot? After all, college is (obviously) all about efficiency in drunkenness. Now, you may be asking, “How did these intellectual betters make the subtle connection between the circulatory system of the excretory canal and the omnipresent need to be more drunk, more quickly?” Well, although most do
not possess the logical capacity to make such trailblazing cognitive leaps in the field of alcohol ingestion, we can all learn from our anally fixated betters. To this end, I posit a new drinking game to rival beer pong, kings, and flip cup alike: “Pirate Wars.” The game is played using two beds as pirate ships, as one team tries to take over the other team’s bed. A battle ensues between the two pirate groups (including, per the police report, use of air soft guns) until one band of salty lads can subdue the other. Upon submission and the mounting of the other pirate’s vessel, the winning pirates may consummate their victory by “plundering the booty.” Apparently, this University of Tennessee student had his booty plundered repeatedly. However, with a BAC higher than a patchouli salesman at a Phish concert, one suspects that he wasn’t just an eager Volunteer. In a release from the international fraternity, they recognized that the incident represents, “an opportunity to increase the public’s awareness of what appears to be an unfortunate and extremely dangerous practice.” If I may speak with more than just my voice, I ask that the University not become intimately aware of this practice. It would be a tragedy of unthinkable depth to lose more great minds to the twin specters of anal fixation and alcoholism.
However, one is forced to question the ability of UVA students to engage in any game in which items - beer bong or otherwise - are inserted into the butt. After all, a casual observer could be forgiven for the assumption that the asses of most students are already occupied with a stick that seems virtually unmovable. While I do think a battle in Mad Bowl between the Rectum Ramblers and the Anus Annihilators would be captivating, the skills here would lag behind other schools that don’t have assholes that are otherwise occupied. If this assumption should prove true, UVA is safe from “butt-chugging” for now, but don’t be surprised if “Pirate Wars” becomes an epidemic of enemas across this fair nation. To those that pursue a pirate’s life…yoho.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
You’ve just had a depressing setback. What do you drink? “Dr. Pepper.” - Vega
“I’d probably go home and make myself a hot chocolate.” -Ethan
“A dirty Shirley. It’s like a Shirley Temple, so you can be reminded of childhood, but then you have the alcohol to speed you along.” - Elshi
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
The Grid
Rapture
SPECIAL NIGHT
MONDAY: 4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
Sunday Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
Every Day: Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails from 3 Until 7
THURS. 10/4
Grad School Night! $2 Drafts & $2 Bourbon
We have Felix and Awesome T-Shirts
Come Get Some Pizza at Slice!
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
FRIDAY 10/5
4-7 $2 Drafts
Enjoy a happy hour whilst kicking your friends’ butt in Connect 4 (other games available)
Freaky Friday Free Garlic Knots with any 18’’ Large Pizza
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
College Football Day!
Grab a bucket of beer and hang out on the balcony.
Gameday Show your game ticket and get $4 off any order
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
$3 Pitchers
Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
Come Get Some Pizza at Slice!
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Salsa Night Lesson at 7, Dance Party at 8
Over 80 Bottled Beers
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
SAT. 10/6 SUNDAY 10/7 MON. 10/8 TUES. 10/9 WED. 10/10
4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
4-7 $2 Drafts $2 Rails
Boylan Dance Night 10pm
10 Constantly Changing Taps
Locally sourced food from sustainable farms
Come Get Some Pizza at Slice!
Wahoo Wednesday
$10 XL Cheese Pizza All Day
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Dane Alderson & Friends 10:00 PM (Free) Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
UmlautGoth & Industrial Dance Party 10:00 PM Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Charlottesville Music Showcase 10:00 PM (FREE)
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UVA to form actual grammar police squad tbs staff wrote this An innovative new initiative aimed at promoting and enforcing proper grammar among University of Virginia students is slated to begin at some point later in the current fall semester. According to a highly placed source within the school’s administration, UVA will officially endorse a new section of the University Police Department, known as the Grammar Patrol and Action Squad (GPAS), which will be responsible for overseeing all issues of grammar incurred by UVA students. The new program is part of UVA’s attempt to raise its academic profile in the midst of a national trend of flagging test scores. The school believes that the GPAS will eventually become such an ingrained part of the university that their influence will begin to rub off on students, leading to thousands of graduates who can differentiate between words like “there” and “their.” Rumor has it that the original idea was hatched when a university official read a Facebook post, in which one party was called a “grammar Nazi” after attempting to correct a second party’s spelling mistake. After a focus group of school administrators decided the litigation costs of forming an actual Nazi Party to roam the school would be too great, a police force was formed instead. It is believed that the powers of the GPAS will be fairly far-reaching. Already confirmed is its responsibility to review all social media registered under the names of UVA students for potential misspellings, errors in punctuation, or incomplete sentences. Users of social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr can soon expect all of their previous posts, comments, and tweets to be edited for proper grammar. Other members of
GPAS will review a constantly-updating stream of new social media entries, and make corrections in real-time as the user posts new content. Despite the apparent violations of privacy, and even the right to free speech possibly occurring with this new enterprise, complaints from students thus far have been limited - with many accepting and even lauding the new system. One such student had the following post on his Twitter account: “I can’t believe UVA is allowing this to happen; the very idea of the GPAS is so wrong awesome that it’s ridiculous!” The Black Sheep has received a tip that the GPAS officers in charge of social media have already begun working. Another power the GPAS will have is the power to discipline students who repeatedly flout the basic rules of the English language.
believe that their actions will disrupt students’ concentration and focus. Others say that, because the GPAS officers will immediately examine each answer written down and make any necessary corrections, students will not have enough time to finish what would otherwise be relatively short exams. One English professor in particular took issue with the new practice.
“We have several plans in place for wrongdoers,” said one GPAS officer. “We have large dictionaries already in place for minor repeat offenders—they will be beaten with them, of course. We’re thinking about playing a game of hangman with the more serious offenders. A super special game of hangman…” The officer then began rubbing his hands together while laughing maniacally.
“This is kind of outrageous,” said the instructor. “My students write essays for their exams, and I’m pretty sure it’s my job to vet them for grammar and writing mistakes, isn’t it? I mean, that’s kind of what grading is. Wait…they’re going to be grading my work for me… Um, nevermind, just forget I said all this. I love this new idea!”
One potential concern about the institution of the GPAS is their presence in classrooms during examinations. Some professors
[This article has been audited by the Grammar Patrol and Action Squad.]
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Super Spectacular Sparty OUT and About!!
Mountaineer Back on the Flame Train???
top stories The Hottest Stories Right Now! Fuzzy photos LEAKED of CHIEF ILLINIWEK at underground poker table! VCU’s Rodney the Ram denies accusations of horniness - Buster Bronco says he’s considering CHARGES!!!
SHOCKING!! So, Sparty the Spartan was seen sportin’ his skirt outside the stadium! A source close to us says he just “feels right” wearing the skirt, and might soon take on more feminine attire. OMGZ! Maybe after getting rooted by the Irish, Sparty is getting in touch with his boy-loving Greek roots!! Seeing him swing around night clubs in East Lansing in his skirt AND emerging stories of several student athletes seeing Sparty carry his pride into the locker room, might lead us to one FAB conclusion: gay! gay! gay!!! Sparty has long been seen with a perm frown on his face, BUT we’re hoping this revelation might leave him with a glamz smile! Go Sparty! We’re all on your team!!
Dead Doggies’ Dark Doo-Doo Demises
Wait till you hear who’s at it again! Last week the paps caught The Mountaineer deep in the woods of West Virginia burning a couch! Fresh out of pyromaniac rehab, The Mountaineer couldn’t live without getting his fix, and was reportedly “found rolling around in the mud, in a catatonic state… pupils dilated while muttering ‘longhorn’ under his breath.” Apparently The Mountaineer couldn’t take the pressure of another big game, and needed fire to relieve himself. We don’t want to cast judgment on The Mountaineer, but several other mascots have lent their support. The forever shiz-faced Iowa State University Cyclone tweeted “@Mountaineer yo iz kool wut u did bro, liv by ur one rolzze!!1 #livurLyf.” LOL looks like Cyclone has had one too many hurricanes!
Redbird Cy, Oh My!
Cavalier attitude nets night in jail for UVa mascot. Goldy Gopher, 3, Found dead in auoterotic asphyxiation mishap. PHOTOS INSIDE!! After sex change USC’s Cocky legally changes name to Pussy. MUST SEE BEFORE/AFTER SHOTS! Two years later, Rebel Black Bear admits mascot change “A trap” in interview with ET. What was the Clemson Tiger doing outside the Trophy Lust Club at 4a.m.?? The pap catches Syracuse Orange shopping in baby store!! Is s/he pregnant! EXCLUSIVE PICS!
Do all doggies go to heaven? Let’s hope so! Seems as though the party went a little TOO hard in Athens two weeks ago, especially after the Bulldogs beat the Volunteers by 7.
Seems as though The Parent Trap really is about some redheads, after all!!! We’re here to reveal a Peep Sheep EXCLUSIVE! An intense investigate has finally proven that ISU’s Cy the Cardinal and ISU’s Reggie Redbird are one in the SAME!
Early reports out of the coroner’s office suggest both suffered from chocolate sickness after bonging Hershey’s chocolate syrup into their little hound heinies! According to the Athens Animal Hospital Uga IX and Smokey IX were admitted to the emergency room at approximately 2:14a.m. with sever fevers. By 5:00a.m. both were pronounced dead.
Turns out, Cy (Real name: Crandall Berkowitz III) been the head worm-catcher of TWO nests!!! During the winter months leaves his hen and two chicks to fly south for the winter to Bloomington/Normal, IL to live in the lap of luxury with his other family, the Redbirds under the assumed name, “Reggie.”
Hey, college football studyboyz like Uga IX and Smokey IX are notorious for partying with fine bitchez, so don’t act like we didn’t see this coming. They will be thrown in a local incinerator on Monday, October 8th.
When questioned on the matter, Berkowitz III’s lawyer, Hyper-Chicken, declined comment. Turns out, birds of a feather DON’T flock together. They’re the same bird!!!!!!
Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish swears all boys-club was a “fight club.” What do you think!? USC Trojan can’t seem to get excited with NCAA sanctions. Say’s [the sanctions] are “too tight.” Puddles, the Oregon Duck, is splitz-ville the Horned Frog - did religion get in the way AGAIN!?!
the interview
zedd
If you haven’t heard the name Zedd, you have definitely heard his work. At twenty-three, having work with an ambit of major artists – from Baby Biebs to Skrillex – Zedd has produced several chart-topping beats. Stepping into the spotlight with a full-length album, Clarity, Zedd is an artist worth picking up on (and following on Twitter @Zedd). By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’ve produced and toured with some pretty major artists - do you prefer being behind the scenes producing beats, or working on your own? Zedd: It really depends. I obviously love doing my own music because I don’t have to please anyone with my music. With all my love and respect to my whole team - at the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that I truly love something I did. If I do work for other people, especially major artists, there are so many people you have to make happy - compromises have to be made which I don’t like. At the same time I can try new things out if I work for other people that I would probably not have done for myself. TBS: You released Clarity to iTunes on October 2nd (October 9th everywhere). After a long list of singles and remixes, what made you transition to a full-length album? Zedd: You know, I really like releasing singles because you can put something out right after you finish it, and it’s still fresh and hot. Making a full-length album is very difficult, especially for us DJs who tour 24/7. Making an album is a huge commitment, but it also gives you the chance of expressing yourself in a way that is more detailed than you could ever do it with singles. If you put out a single all the attention is on one track. With an album you can very well show a wider range of yourself, make songs that would probably not be a good single, but a great album track, and fulfill a certain roll in an album - just like the tension is not constantly high in a movie, there’s ups and downs. I’m not talking about fillers; in fact I believe my album doesn’t have any fillers, but tracks can definitely tell a story in a context of an album that singles can’t. TBS: Any track you are particularly excited for on Clarity, or are they all equally awesome? Zedd: It’s very close to impossible to pick my favorite song. “Hourglass” is one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written in my whole life and... yeah ... it’s really just the whole album that I’m mostly excited about, more than particular tracks. TBS: How do you describe Clarity in comparison to your past work? Zedd: Well, I think to a certain degree it’s probably a little bit more adult and experienced. Where the focus sometimes has been on making a big club-hit before, the focus on this album is to make music that is so timeless you can listen to it in 30 years and still be proud of the musicality in it. TBS: How do you build songs? Like, how did you come up with mixing Skrillex and The Doors for “Breakin’ a Sweat?” Zedd: Usually I’ll just play around on a keyboard or piano till I come up with the melodic / harmonic part; mostly the chorus or the hook. Then I make the parts around it. With my “Breakn’ A Sweat” remix Skrillex asked me to do a remix so that was a no-brainer for me. TBS: When you play live shows, do you feed off the crowd or do you come in with a strict setlist? Zedd: It’s a good mix of both. I prepare for shows depending on where I play and what type of crowd is expected. But a lot of the times the crowd will be completely different from what you expect, and in that case I switch up things. I have certain routines but there’s never a strict setlist. TBS: Your parents are musicians, and you started studying classic piano at a young age - how has that influenced you? And how much do your parents love your music? Zedd: It influenced me very much because I’ve learned about music theory, and learned to play several instruments – that’s stuff I can use to make music that’s a little different from a lot of other producers. This doesn’t mean they’re better or worse; it’s just different and I like being different. My parents actually like the music! They’ve never listened to electronic music before but they like the “musical” part of my music more than the sound-design aspect. TBS: Of those major artists you’ve worked with, are there any weird similarities you find between them? Like, do Skrillex and Baby Biebs have anything in common that the layman wouldn’t know? Zedd: [Laughs] Well, the biggest similarities are that they all share the same passion: music! Skrillex and Bieber, I’d say, have fairly different personalities but they’re both very passionate about what they do in their own ways. TBS: Your Twitter is pretty hilarious - is that all you? Zedd: [Laughs] Thank you! It is all me - and probably sometimes a little bit too much of “me” but I enjoy not thinking too much about what I say there. TBS: Also on Twitter, your about me is “Shave it up,” what’s that about? Zedd: Illuminati man... It’s all Illuminati! TBS: What’s one thing you can’t tour without? Zedd: I can’t tour without shows! I really can’t!
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Jersey Shore Season 6 Premiere Thursday, Oct. 4 at 10pm on MTV The final season of the cultural phenomenon made up of meatballs and meatheads is coming to a tearful end, the kind that only comes after six shots of vodka annd a drunk dial to mother. The dynamic of the house is different this time, however, with Nicole being 6 months pregnant. How will sober Snooki do in a house full of alcoholic maniacs? We can’t wait to see.
v/h/s In Theaters Oct. 5
This film, comprised of five short films, revolves around a woven narrative of a group of guys who break into a creepy house in search of one particular VHS. They then watch five, each of which is more messed up then the one before, and all terrifying as hell. V/H/S was available on iTunes weeks ago, so take it from us that this is one of the scariest movies you’ll see...except for those movies inside the movies.
mellowhype - numbers out oct. 9 Odd Future members Hodgy Beats and Left Brain team up to form the Los Angeles hip-hop duo MellowHype. With two studio albums already under their belt, not to mention plenty of features on Odd Future and Tyler, the Creator albums, and even a song on the Madden NFL 12 video game, these wacky dudes are certainly on their way to certified success.
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Tyler Commonwealth Skybar Most underrated drink ingredient? Vermouth or bitters; they can completely change the flavor profile of a drink just by a really small amount and they have a lot of different flavors and infusions. But people just don’t think about them as real ingredients—patrons aren’t educated to know what those ingredients can do for them and how they affect the flavor profile of a drink. What do you do with them? Well, we use them in bourbon drinks; and all martinis and Manhattans have vermouth, and of course bitters go into sazeracs and old fashioneds, but bitters also go with something spicy like bloody Marys to make stuff hotter. We have hellfire bitters. Or we can make drinks more mellow, like with cucumber bitters. When was the something with I think we made customer loved
the drinking game
chestbump
last time someone ordered hellfire bitters? Last weekend a bloody Mary with them. The it, but it was a different kind
of spice than they were used to. Most people, if they want to make something spicier, they’ll add like, horseradish, or wasabi, or Tabasco, or peppers. How is Skybar compared to previous places you’ve worked in? It’s better- it’s well-managed and still new enough that everyone wants to learn and keep teaching; the management is open to suggestions and we’re very much a team. You don’t see this very often. I’ve worked for some corporations with a similar feel, but they were still very corporate. Skybar has all of the corporate standards-- all of the pursuit of perfection and achievement, but yet has the close-knit small-town family environment. How is upstairs compared to downstairs? Well upstairs, it’s busy and fast-paced and you really have to use your skills. You have less time to sit and talk to people, but down here, you have time to think about craft cocktails - it’s like an artisan bar, where everything’s hand-selected.
Recipe for Disaster
Bacon Cholesterol Toast
This game may sound like it’s only made for frat bros, but if you’re a girl who can hold your own when it comes to beer, then feel free to join on in. This game will involve more stinky burps than a roadside truck stop.
If you don’t wake up every morning without a craving for greasy delicacies, then something is wrong with you. Just when you thought breakfast toast was just a crunchy piece of burnt bread, we found a recipe to change the world of morning meals.
What You’ll Need: Cups, four ping pong balls, and beer. Number of Players: Four if you want to go hard, more if you actually want to remember your night. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be buying shots for the undercover cops at the bars later on.
What You’ll Need: About a pound of bacon, bread, and some salt. Cook Time: Ten minutes. Fatty Factor: No amount of Cheerios is going to lower your cholesterol after this.
How to Play: - Have everyone pick a partner and sit across from them around the table. - Every player grabs one beer and divides it up between three cups arranged into a triangle in front of them. If you’re feeling competitive up the ante and play will full cups. - On “Go,” everyone bounces a ping pong ball across the table to their partner. The receiver has to bounce it off his or her chest and get it into one of the cups in front of them. - If your partner succeeds, he or she slides one of the beer cups over to the opponent on the right of them, who now has to chug its contents before continuing bouncing. - After a team has finished all of their cups, one last full beer is placed directly in the middle of the table. The team must double bounce the ball into the cup to win. The Game Ends When: The last beer has been finished and someone spews into the cups in front of them. Drink up, brah!
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Let’s Get Baked: - Grease up a frying pan and fry up all that bacon on your stove, preferably shirtless after a night of heavy drinking. - After all the bacon stops simmering and popping, remove it from the pan. Drop some bread in the pan with the leftover bacon grease and brown it evenly on both sides. - Once the bread is toasted remove it from the pan and sprinkle both sides with salt. - The way to eat it is up to you. We’re fans of creating a mega bacon weave and sandwiching it between a few slices of our cholesterol toast. Maybe grab some syrup and have some finger food dipping fun? Have 911 and a respirator on standby. You will have trouble breathing and your blood flow may slow down immensely. But it’s super delicious so at least the last thing you eat before you die will be totally worth it.
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page 13
Dismal Date Dysfunction Spencer Schloss wrote this
College romance is uniquely different from any other type of relationship. Where else can one be surrounded by swarms of potential mates twenty-four hours a day? Remember enduring those awkward teen dances? The bad news is that these uncomfortable moments don’t stop once you leave the high school gym. In UVA Greek life there are formals for every holiday, school milestone, turn of season, word in dictionary and grain of sand on the beach. These functions, of course, are pure dysfunction for those sorority and fraternity members attending them. For example, the dreaded date dash: A last-minute cancel (because his mom had to go to the hospital, sure) means you have to find a date by…tonight. From the outside, non-collegians may assume that dates are easy to find just based upon the demographics found across campus: A high student population cohabitating in a tiny zip code. However, UVA students know that the dating pool is parsed into eligible, ineligible, and questionable. As we mentioned earlier, many students on Grounds are a members of Greek life, severely cutting down on their dating options. In this instance, protocol dictates that it’s bad juju to go to an event with someone who has recent ties with one of your fellow hoplites. If Jeff is still crushing on Becca, and
Becca still has feeling for Sam, well, pretty soon everyone is off-limits. Okay. Once you have navigated through the acceptable prospective selection process and you have a date-worthy target that your friends won’t exile you for, do they pass the rest of the selection criteria? For example: You can’t take just anyone to a Parents Formal. The date in question will be meeting the people that pay your tuition. It’s a big deal. So, do you bring a friend? Do you take someone you actually like? Or do you bring someone you hate, as to torture them with the FBI-grade interrogation your parents will inevitably level towards him. These choices are up to you. There is a bigger dilemma—time frame. When is it appropriate to ask this potential date? If you ask too early, you risk seeming eager, and the chance that things could turn sour between you and your date-to-be increases each extra day the date wonders, “Is this person insane? Why did they ask me so early?” On the other hand, if you ask too late, your prospect could be commandeered by another date-seeker. Time frame is not the only problem. Being the overachievers that we are, UVA students are prone to getting involved in a multitude of clubs. This becomes inconvenient when your date skips out on Parents Formal for a club event to tack onto
DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!
“The Freshman 15”
Ragged Mountain Running Shop ALWAYS OFFERING A SPECIAL 10% STUDENT DISCOUNT AND A FRee Bag with eveRy PuRchaSe. Conveniently Located Next to Grounds Where UVA students have been treating their legs and lungs as an alternate to the “Freshman 15” lifestyle since 1982! RaggedMountainRunning.com
their resume, and you are left swing dancing with good ol’ dad on the dance floor. The reality is there is no escaping this phenomenon of date dysfunction. The stress of narrowing down your choices to the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes of the university will never cease to exist until the day you graduate. Despite endless calculations of the probability of your date deeming you the next Mr. and Mrs. UVA, you can never be certain that you haven’t erred, making the result of your decisions a disaster of a date. College is about taking risks, so as much as your date selection could incur failure, we encourage you to take a leap of faith and join the rest of us as we plunge into the realm of uncertainty that is date dysfunction.
mad swag
Would you consider yourself a trill OG? Are you down with that flow, yo? Are you reading this thinking, “Whoever wrote this is painfully white.”? Well, la-tee-dah. More importantly, can you decipher our Mad Swag? Below are several mondegreens -words replacing similarsounding words - of well-known rap lyrics. Can you figure out what these artists are sayin’? email us the title of the song the lyric is from to madgab@theblacksheeponline.com and if you get them all right, you’ll win a prize!
Lives ab i tch hand ten nude eye
Soup her intend dose egg a ninja sis
Hi loafed win ewe calming beak pop huh
So far ash soak lean
Rapper: Nas
Rapper: Notorious B.I.G.
Rapper: Notorious B.I.G.
Rapper: Outkast
Hue mice hunch tine
Hi got nigh tee nigh bro blooms
La booty bro Emma moth kin pawn star
Yellow bee distiller orgy
Rapper: Lupe Fiasco
Rapper: Jay-Z
Rapper: Kanye West
Rapper: Dr. Dre
Smock we derriere
Adjust dope lava truck
Icee herb toy French ate in lick an idiot
Doughnut even a views my ache
Rapper: Snoop Dogg
Rapper: Eminem
Rapper: Lil’ Wayne
Rapper: Ice Cube
the classtime
90’s music stars
Across
4) Sugar, salt, garlic, pepper, oregano 6) Don’t go burning ex-boyfriend’s houses down. 7) He’s a loser, baby. 9) Blue Ivy’s god mother’s. 11) Just like rain on your wedding day. 14) Wake me up when this crossword ends. 16) Mmm, they’re all married with kids now. 18) Not Tyler Perry’s. 20) Titanic pipes.
upstairs. 10) Recently toured with the original 80s boy band. 12) Somehow still competes with women half her age. 13) Holds the longest-running #1 song in U.S. history. 15) With certainty. 17) Ladies loved this ripped rapper. 19) 14 minutes and 59 seconds of fame.
Down
1) Bye, bye, bye to all but one, really. 2) Definition of 90s grunge, and plaid. 3) Rocked the bald look very well. 5) The OG white rapper, after Vanilla Ice of course. 8) Now she’s dancing with somebody
Answers
Six degrees of separation
Think you know how Blake Lively and Alex Baldwin are connected?
Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
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Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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