The Black Sheep
ho FRE w E... go Lik od e n th ot e f ev oo en tb ca all ri te ng am is!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 8 10/25/12 - 10/31/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
the Black Sheep Investigates: Squirrels on Grounds Rob Mogni wrote this In a surprise press conference last Monday, the Board of Visitors announced that squirrels have surpassed construction workers to become the University’s largest minority. Although President Teresa Sullivan could not be reached for comment, an administration official has stated that the president welcomes mammals of all kinds and applauds the growing diversity of UVa. Additionally, due to the economic hardship that squirrels have faced after the university forbade them from harvesting fallen acorns on the Lawn as landscaping crews resod it for the sixth time this week, they will be receiving full compensation for their financial hardship. Nevertheless, some students are skeptical about the exponential growth of the squirrel population. One anonymous student noted their strange inclination to forage for food around Hereford, and postulated that the squirrels are attracted to the residents’ organic pine needle-knit sweaters. Indeed, something is iffy ‘bout them squirrels, so The Black Sheep decided to investigate. The first stop was the admissions office. In reviewing the university’s admissions policy, our investigators discovered that as of last spring, squirrels and other furry rodents were added to UVa’s list of underprivileged groups, and will thus be considered for affirmative action. One official proudly presented the Class of 2016’s admissions statistics, noting a 300% increase in the squirrel acceptance rate. “The University of Virginia is rapidly progressing toward the future of liberal arts education,” the report concluded. Still, many students have expressed outrage at the growing squirrel population, arguing that their presence is destroying UVa’s Southern heritage. Squirrels, they argue, descend from humid, continental climate zones and, thus, do not belong in UVa’s humid, subtropical environment. On the other hand, a growing number of students find these tailed-rodents to be outrageously cute. Because Virginia law forbids its citizens from acquiring pet squirrels due to their rampant rabies epidemic, there are unconfirmed reports that some students have kidnapped these animals, crafted small squirrel-sized leashes, and taken these furry little beasts for walks on The Corner. Our investigators also travelled to various dining halls around Grounds. As many are aware, in an effort to cater to all tastes
Foliage Follies
Just because you have can point your dumb phone at a dying tree doesn’t mean you’re the next Fosco Maraini.
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of the student population, the university has implemented a “green dining” program; their new options range from grassfed beef burgers to boiled grass clippings. In a stroke of luck, after months of persistent requests, our boys gained access to the strange industrial complex behind N2 that presumably serves as its supply warehouse. While the workers prepared a mystery free-range organic meat for the lunch menu, little pelts of fur lined the walls on small hangers. When asked about this strange sighting, the workers denied their existence and promptly escorted us out of the
what’s inside
Common Goods: Stealing Fratastic Items
When a man signs up to live in a frat house, his personal property belongs to the drunken public.
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back room. Amazingly, one of our investigators was carrying a camera and captured the cold hard facts: squirrel pelts. Yes, you heard us right, in a desperate attempt at “green dining,” your school is feeding you squirrel under the guise of “free range organic meat.” The next time you are mildly enjoying your burger at Runk to sustain basic nutrition, be assured that the fuzzy lump in the center is not your average bundle of lunch lady hair; nay, that is squirrel. Are these the true intentions of our university, to promote the squirrel population and then exploit their numbers to expand “green dining”? We may never know for sure.
While the Cat’s Away
Lauren lets us know what happens when females have the apartment to themselves.
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