The Black Sheep
al FR um EE ni ... L ju ike st fo get r a tin ck g d no rin wle ks dg fro in gtm he m!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 6 10/11/12 - 10/17/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
Wait, What’s A “Homecomings”? Pierce Bishop wrote this
Apparently “homecomings” weekend is upon us at UVa… and a damn was given by no one. Sure, there is some traditional value given to homecoming, something ripped out of middle America when people married their high school sweetheart, but the value is seemingly absent. What’s the appeal? Come see a half-empty football stadium with lackluster talent, and then get drunk after with people you used to know? Well, the students who think themselves socially capable have left the game by halftime, and you hated all those people you used to know anyway, so you should just get a head start at The Virginian. Oh, the Alumni Association is putting on an event with free alcohol? Be honest, you never went to an event they put on when you were here. Now, even free booze shouldn’t convince you. There are a few crops of people that will come back - the lessthan-25s that still live close-ish by, the middle-aged with families looking to get away from those damn kids for once, and the older alumni who are still shocked that they allow women to go to this school. The less-than-25s predominantly come from the DMV area and turn it into a weekend trip. Do they come back because it is homecomings weekend? No way, they come back because it is a convenient rally point for everyone to meet up and get drunk in unison. The rationale is that others will come back that weekend so it won’t be so obvious that you’re hitting on second years at Trinity. This is not a huge population because, chances are, these people are working north of 60 hours a week and can find more fun without driving 2 hours each way. The middle-aged crowd is certainly more massive, but also more annoying. As a student at the university, nothing screams extra terrible hangover like the children of these ‘Hoos screaming their lungs out up and down Fourteenth on a Saturday morning. Also, as you’re trying to make brunch at The Pigeon Hole, they walk four-wide on the Corner, questioning your restraint—you will not kick that child. Sure, these groups give local businesses a nice bump, but why are they coming? Likely, this gives father an excuse to catch a football game while also entertaining the kids on the weekend. While he might think he is getting brownie points from mother, she is hip to this game and is left holding the bag when he claims to be “grabbing a beer for a minute” at an old friend’s tailgate. Three hours
Dare to dtr?
in our experience, defining the relationship leads to 3 results: Breaking up, staying together, or realizing your s/o is a gerbil.
page 4
later…the brats have doused her in ice cream and he comes back smelling of Maker’s. Finally, there are the old alums. These geezers are so old they came back for their 20th Reunion and had angry conversations about the PROSPECT of the university becoming co-ed. They shuffle around Grounds and stop abruptly in spots, overcome with memories that no one else shares (either because they are senile and it’s not a real memory, or those that could remember are dead). Accordingly, fourth years having tailgates in their Lawn rooms are drowning in awkwardness when these octogenarians ask about this room that used to be theirs, currently being soiled with aristocrat-laced vomit. If anything, they may
what’s inside Smoker madness
If uva passes a smoking ban, why stop there? dining hall food is unhealthy! bikers are scary! bras are too restrictive!
page 6
be thinking about an end of life donation to the university, but they slow the whole school down when they roll in on the weekend. Unlike their younger counterparts, they will not be spending a drunk evening at Biltmore, and certainly not a hungover morning getting brunch at Beer Run. What good is homecomings if all it seems to do is ruin a crisp, fall weekend? Furthermore, contrary to the bombardment of flyers, no one seems to know the weekend exists on Grounds. Or at least they do not seem to care. So, if a homecoming occurs and none of the people at home know that’s why they are there, does it really exist at all? Probably not, but enjoy that child-screaming-induced migraine come Saturday morning.
friend stalking: there’s an app for that Is stalking knowing where
someone is at all times? oh it is? well... whatever.
page 9