The Black Sheep
al FR um EE ni ... L ju ike st fo get r a tin ck g d no rin wle ks dg fro in gtm he m!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 6 10/11/12 - 10/17/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
Wait, What’s A “Homecomings”? Pierce Bishop wrote this
Apparently “homecomings” weekend is upon us at UVa… and a damn was given by no one. Sure, there is some traditional value given to homecoming, something ripped out of middle America when people married their high school sweetheart, but the value is seemingly absent. What’s the appeal? Come see a half-empty football stadium with lackluster talent, and then get drunk after with people you used to know? Well, the students who think themselves socially capable have left the game by halftime, and you hated all those people you used to know anyway, so you should just get a head start at The Virginian. Oh, the Alumni Association is putting on an event with free alcohol? Be honest, you never went to an event they put on when you were here. Now, even free booze shouldn’t convince you. There are a few crops of people that will come back - the lessthan-25s that still live close-ish by, the middle-aged with families looking to get away from those damn kids for once, and the older alumni who are still shocked that they allow women to go to this school. The less-than-25s predominantly come from the DMV area and turn it into a weekend trip. Do they come back because it is homecomings weekend? No way, they come back because it is a convenient rally point for everyone to meet up and get drunk in unison. The rationale is that others will come back that weekend so it won’t be so obvious that you’re hitting on second years at Trinity. This is not a huge population because, chances are, these people are working north of 60 hours a week and can find more fun without driving 2 hours each way. The middle-aged crowd is certainly more massive, but also more annoying. As a student at the university, nothing screams extra terrible hangover like the children of these ‘Hoos screaming their lungs out up and down Fourteenth on a Saturday morning. Also, as you’re trying to make brunch at The Pigeon Hole, they walk four-wide on the Corner, questioning your restraint—you will not kick that child. Sure, these groups give local businesses a nice bump, but why are they coming? Likely, this gives father an excuse to catch a football game while also entertaining the kids on the weekend. While he might think he is getting brownie points from mother, she is hip to this game and is left holding the bag when he claims to be “grabbing a beer for a minute” at an old friend’s tailgate. Three hours
Dare to dtr?
in our experience, defining the relationship leads to 3 results: Breaking up, staying together, or realizing your s/o is a gerbil.
page 4
later…the brats have doused her in ice cream and he comes back smelling of Maker’s. Finally, there are the old alums. These geezers are so old they came back for their 20th Reunion and had angry conversations about the PROSPECT of the university becoming co-ed. They shuffle around Grounds and stop abruptly in spots, overcome with memories that no one else shares (either because they are senile and it’s not a real memory, or those that could remember are dead). Accordingly, fourth years having tailgates in their Lawn rooms are drowning in awkwardness when these octogenarians ask about this room that used to be theirs, currently being soiled with aristocrat-laced vomit. If anything, they may
what’s inside Smoker madness
If uva passes a smoking ban, why stop there? dining hall food is unhealthy! bikers are scary! bras are too restrictive!
page 6
be thinking about an end of life donation to the university, but they slow the whole school down when they roll in on the weekend. Unlike their younger counterparts, they will not be spending a drunk evening at Biltmore, and certainly not a hungover morning getting brunch at Beer Run. What good is homecomings if all it seems to do is ruin a crisp, fall weekend? Furthermore, contrary to the bombardment of flyers, no one seems to know the weekend exists on Grounds. Or at least they do not seem to care. So, if a homecoming occurs and none of the people at home know that’s why they are there, does it really exist at all? Probably not, but enjoy that child-screaming-induced migraine come Saturday morning.
friend stalking: there’s an app for that Is stalking knowing where
someone is at all times? oh it is? well... whatever.
page 9
contents page 4: Attired fight
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4
stop wearing other schools cloths! you look dumb no matter what school you’re repping!
Table of
page 4: Top ten: I can haz srat Ladies, here is how to forge your way into men’s hearts through purely material means.
page 12: Bartender of the week Michael T. from trinity is good with redheaded sluts.
page 13: Midterm haze how did I get here? who pulled those allnighters? who took those tests? why am i hammered?
page 13
now hiring!
Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?
Marketing, Sales, Promotions, Writing, Groupies, & More!
apply online at theblacksheeponline.com
page three
That time of the year when fall can't make up it's mind.
Sexy Anagrams
! k e e W e h t f o c Pi
Sadly, Morgan’s invisible throw-up super power didn’t garner a call-back from the X-Men, though she was happy with the free pitcher of beer.
(Want to become famous next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
A Hah Has Sir
Mom Con
Do you know who these hotties are?
last week’s answers
Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Colbie Smulders & Ryan Lochte
word of the week Endevour:
To undertake any obscene act of consumption. “Marissa endevoured a two-pound jar of Nutella last night; it was a truly impressive feat.”
page 4
Dare to DTR?
theblacksheeponline.com
Spencer Schloss wrote this
As you enter college, the notion of uncomplicated relationships vanishes almost as quickly as the Oreos you forgot to label in your apartment. For most of us, the relative simplicity and ease of pre-collegiate relationships is long gone. Back in the day it was elementary. If he pinches, pushes or slugs you on the playground, he clearly likes you. If he instant-messages you in middle school, there is a high probability that he will suggest going to the movies this weekend. High school is when relationship complications arise. You have to wonder whether his texting is a good indication that he will ask you to homecoming, or if he is really just interested in your Algebra 2 skills. Hindsight being 20/20, I think we all know now that the math help is just a non-creative ploy, there was an alternative motive behind his academic advances. Moving on to the next level: college relationships are characterized by uncertainty and mental fluctuations. “Are we dating? Are we not? Or is he just another playa? He’s brought me to a few date functions, I swiped him into Ohill, and we text every day, but what does it mean? Is he interested? Am I even interested?” Deciphering relationship signs brings many UVa students down to that uncomfortable moment when someone asks the yet-tobe-determined “couple”—are you guys dating?
Pizza
At about this time the awkward limbo of eye exchanges and shrugs commences among guy and girl until someone is forced to make an executive decision that determines the remainder of the relationship. Most students are familiar with the term DTR—Defining The Relationship. DTR is a widely-feared acronym among students, because as much as it can lead to a relationship’s success, it can also very well ensure its demise. If you dare to DTR, you should be almost certain that you and your significant other are generally on the same page. This may involve a strategic calculation of how many date functions the two of you have attended together, the amount of sober conversations you have, how many times you re-write a text before sending it, and your assumed level of exclusivity. This may increase your odds of a good result in the event that you are looking to advance the DTR agenda. However there is a catch, as there always is when girls and guys are involved. This strategy is far from foolproof. DTRing should only be left to the bravest of relationship members. If you’re lucky, and not just trying to get lucky, the consequences of DTRing involves you and your beau snuggling while watching a romantic comedy, so beware. Alternatively, if you take on this precarious phenomenon at the wrong time you could find yourself embracing the styrofoam curves of a Cookout milkshake to soothe your torn and confused heart.
and Beer
Buy One, GeT One Free Pizza & aPPs every niGHT aFTer 10PM
With all of this said, the decision to DTR lies in your hands. It is up to you to accept or avoid all that this acronym has to offer. So, to all you conflicted romantic souls out there, I warn you: DTR at your own risk.
1133 Emmet St Nor th
BrixxPizza.com
Has never
TasTed BeTTer!
For those of you who don’t dare to DTR, the outcome can be equally as unappealing. This leaves relationship participants in a constant state of confusion. Even if you try pinching him or IMing him, there is no guarantee that these childhood norms will be recognized from an earlier playground era. You may find yourself in what I call DTR purgatory, which is not a good place to reside. Some call this the dreaded “friend zone.”
4 3 4 . 2 4 5 . 4 0 5 0
Live Music every Thursday!
20+ Local and Micro
Craft Beers!
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Attired Fight
Alessandra Hope wrote this
The Top 10
I Can Haz Srat You can’t be sratty if you don’t look sratty. Otherwise, you just look like a pitiful geed from a town with more mobile homes than IQs over 40. Here’s a top ten of how to look the part of, like, totally the most presh girl, hehe. 10.) Longchamp: While it may look like nothing more than cheap nylon, this bag is a staple among the UVa ladies. Why this bag costs $145 is anyone’s guess. The Longchamp Le Pilage has nothing more than a fancy name (everything sounds classier in French) and comes in a variety of neutral, non-offending colors.
It doesn’t matter if you are a first year or a fourth-plus year, you go to UVa. Accordingly, attire yourself in appropriate garb or abstain. Of course, I am talking about the inexcusable, disgusting habit of students wearing shirts/ sweatshirts/hats/etc. from schools THEY DON’T GO TO. Really, for your own good, don’t do it… you look like a fool and, yes, we are rolling our eyes at you. When this offense occurs, it happens in a variety of ways… One that is fairly prominent at the university is the wearing of attire from some notable institution of higher education, often an Ivy League school or the like. Listen, all you are really doing when you rock a Penn t-shirt is highlighting the fact that, well, you got rejected like a first year trying to hit on a fourth year Theta. You may claim your sister goes there or, “Oh, my parents got this when I went on the tour,” but we all know the real story. Your borderline unhealthy obsession with Dartmouth didn’t materialize into acceptance (even though you played “In Your Eyes” in front of the Dean of Admission’s house) and you are still down in the dumps about it. Suck it up, dude. You will find no sympathy here. Another popular fashion faux pas is the brandishing of a lesser college from near your home town. Oh, your friends go to JMU/ODU/ George Mason? That’s fantastic! I know someone who works at McDonald’s, too! No, that’s like wearing gym clothes to the opera. You are at UVa and, given the inclination of Wahoos to be elitist, you need to get with the program. Sure, accept the clothing from your friends or siblings, but help them out by handing them some UVa swag. It’s the same as dressing for the job you wish you had, right? The faults get worse, though, when enemy lines are crossed, namely wearing clothes
from other ACC schools. No one cares that you watched UNC basketball growing up or that your family had season tickets to BC football games, you will get heckled and/or excommunicated. No one showed up to the first day of basic training in 1942 with a German flag across their shoulders like, “my mom is half German, ya know, gotta rep the fam.” Now is not the time to fight for both sides. Especially those of you that wear University of Maryland stuff…the state does neither crabcakes nor football well anymore, so what are you really celebrating? Make a quilt of those tshirts. You’re going to have some free time during your excommunication. Finally, there is the most heinous crime of all: wearing clothing displaying some shortened version of “Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University” on them. There’s no reason to perpetuate that. Three generations of imbeciles are enough (per Justice Holmes) and they’ve been doing it in Blacksburg for 140 years. Furthermore, their mascot is a castrated turkey (which does present an appropriate punishment…). Really, it didn’t occur to you that it may be utterly ridiculous to walk around Grounds with an image of an infertile bird on your chest in the hue of a scab? Have you no decency? UVa has traditions and a level of dignity to keep! Don’t ruin it with an hommage to a school that produces park rangers and has fewer attractive women than a Golden Corral half price night. So, please, wear your orange and blue with pride and stop wearing other college’s attire. A lot of folks think they are just so hip in tthe snapback Notre Dame hat they found in their grandfather’s closet, but who are you impressing? No one. If anything, you look like a first year who’s still trying to figure things out. Don’t be a first year who’s still trying to figure things out. Put on a damn V-sabre tie and sing the Good Ole Song.
9.) Hunter Boots: Equally expensive as the Longchamp Le Pilage, Hunter boots seem like a more justifiable purchase. Who likes walking around with wet socks? Hunter boots make your cheap rain boots from Target seem utterly juvenile, as they emit an aura of quality. 8.) Pretty in pearls: You can either purchase a set that can pass off as real or you can inherit your pearls from a wealthy dead relative. Either way, when you’re throwing up after aggressive tailgating or passed out, you can always call yourself “classy” when have pearls on. 7.) Norts: Those in high school who ACTUALLY ran on track/cross country teams do not own Nike shorts. They were real track stars who ran in scandalous spandex shorts that behaved more as a second skin. The same girls at UVa who preach “pretty in pearls” also find it socially acceptable to wear Nike shorts to class. 6.) Oversized frat/srat philanthropy t-shirt: Back in the day, oversized pants that hung off your ass used to be the thing all conservative dressers pointed at. It’s time to look in the mirror for a change. 5.) Lilly planner, traveling mug, croakies etc.: For those ladies who cannot afford to spend money on a real Lilly dress for Foxfields, they must make do with the smaller, more affordable Lilly staples. Lilly comes in a variety of prints and the sororities with customized prints can happily display their print on as many things as possible. 4.) Jack Rogers/Tory Burch shoes (depending on the season): In the winter, this changes to Frye boots. Regardless, these brands are the equivalent of the ever simple male counterpart, the Sperry Topsider. 3.) Neon running shoes: As with the Norts, actual runners do not run in Nike shoes unless they are an athlete sponsored by the university. The second one actually tries exercising in the vibrant shoes, they will incur severe shin pain and will refrain from attending the gym ever again. Cue the SpongeBob, “MY LEG!” reprise. 2.) Patagonia fleece pullover: In case you didn’t know, Patagonia is the new North Face. Even better than the modern Patagonia fleece jacket is the throwback retro Patagonia fleece jacket that actually comes in cool colors. 1.) Monogrammed anything: Females in particular are oddly infatuated with their initials. Why this makes any sense, we don’t know. Aren’t most ladies at UVa focused on obtaining their MRS degree? Perhaps the possibility of never going by their maiden names ever again makes them oddly sentimental to the point that their initials must be displayed on as many things as possible.
Alessandra Hope wrote this
page 6
Smoker Madness
theblacksheeponline.com
Jakob Scheidt wrote this
Don’t you hate it when you go outside after class and there is someone just smoking a cigarette right out in the open like that? It’s so inconsiderate to not bring enough for the whole class to take a smoking break, right? Maybe we are missing the point of outdoor smoking bans (Oh, wait, is there one?). Radford University recently passed, by a margin of nearly sixteen students, a campuswide smoking ban. If Radford really wanted to do something to promote student health, they would ban sex on campus to dispel their reputation as STD U (no, that’s not STUD U…far from it). Campus-wide smoking bans are the next trendy thing for many schools across the nation wishing to placate the totally not rude people who pretend to cough loudly whenever someone lights up on the outdoor patio of a restaurant. Many colleges have already adopted the idea. Even our own Cav Daily covered a story on how we may want a stricter definition regarding our smoking policies. After all, if the signs outside say twenty feet and our policy officially says twenty-five, we should really spend all the money and time we can to remedy the problem. Seriously, five feet of distance when you are out in the open like that could really be the difference between making it to class unharmed and
developing lung cancer like, tomorrow. Offending smokers should be given UJC trials so that they may learn and appreciate the dangers and horrors of smoking less than twenty five feet from a building entrance. Maybe to enforce the distance rule we can use smoke detecting cameras outside of buildings that match faces to ID pictures, and measure how far a person is from an entrance when they step out for a smoke. That way none of these injustices will go unpunished. If the smoking ban makes its way to UVa, we certainly should not stop there. We should make it a part of our college application and show disfavor in admitting smokers. Maybe we should just not admit them all together. It’s not discrimination, it is providing for the public benefit. This way we could truly ensure that no one is exposed to cigarette smoke against his will. Using the same logic of banning outdoor smoking, we should really make sure there are not any exhaust-producing vehicles allowed on Grounds either. Can we really say that exhaust fumes (to which we are exposed in much higher magnitudes constantly) are really that much better for us than heavily dissipated cigarette smoke? Other dangers to student health and wellness that we should really turn a
critical eye to include aggressive cycling on Grounds, dining hall food (unlimited soda and greasy fried food, sounds like a ticket to increased health care costs), and the public art projects around Charlottesville (there is art, there is abstract art, and then there is whatever the hell that thing on Preston Avenue is). If we are going to ignore physics and chemistry and make the assumption that passing through an occasional cloud of cigarette smoke while walking through Grounds is like being forced to smoke a pack a day for twenty years, then we really need to start being more irrational and less scientific about all the decisions we make here at UVa.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What was the last song you listened to? “This is really embarrassing, but Taylor Swift -- ‘We are never ever getting back together’.” - Matthew
“‘Runaround Sue,’ by Dion and the Belmonts” - Sreemoyee
“Taylor Swift’s ‘We are never ever getting back together’.” - Hayley
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
The Grid
Sunday Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
Every Day: Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails from 3 Until 7
Happy Hours Specials: $3 Apps/$3 Margaritas Late Night Drink Specials: $2 VA Gentleman Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
Grad School Night! $2 Drafts & $2 Bourbon
We have Felix and Awesome T-Shirts
Come Get Some Pizza at Slice!
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
4-7 $2 Drafts
Enjoy a happy hour whilst kicking your friends’ butt in Connect 4 (other games available)
Freaky Friday Free Garlic Knots with any 18’’ Large Pizza
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
College Football Day!
Grab a bucket of beer and hang out on the balcony.
Gameday Show your game ticket and get $4 off any order
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
$3 Pitchers
Date Night - $35 gets you either 1 appetizer or 1 dessert, 2 entrees and a pitcher of beer or a bottle of wine. Limited Menu
Come Get Some Pizza at Slice!
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Salsa Night Lesson at 7, Dance Party at 8
Over 80 Bottled Beers
Monday Madness Large Pie with 1 Topping and 2 Liter Soda for $15
Happy Hour Specials: $1 Tacos Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 Rails/Green Card Member Deals Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails $5 Big Burritos Late Night Drink Specials: $10 Mexican Beer Buckets $5 Malibu Long Islands Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
Get $1 OFF
MON. 10/15
Happy Hour Specials: $5 pitchers w/Any App! Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Sauza Tequila Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
TUES. 10/16
Just tell us you read The Black Sheep
Happy Hour Specials: $6 Fajitas Late Night Drink Specials: $2.50 BL 16oz. Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
WED. 10/17
SUNDAY 10/14
FRIDAY 10/12
Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
MONDAY: 4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
SAT. 10/13
THURS. SPECIAL 10/11 NIGHT
Rapture
Happy Hour Specials: All you can eat tacos Late Night Drink Specials: $3 Pitchers of Baja Gold Happy Hour Everyday 4-7: $2 Drafts and $3 Rails
4-7 $2 Drafts $9 Buckets
4-7 $2 Drafts $2 Rails
Boylan Dance Night 10pm
10 Constantly Changing Taps
Locally sourced food from sustainable farms
Come Get Some Pizza at Slice!
Wahoo Wednesday
$10 XL Cheese Pizza All Day
Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Dane Alderson & Friends 10:00 PM (Free) Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7
UmlautGoth & Industrial Dance Party 10:00 PM Happy Hour Specials: 1/2 Priced Draft Beers & $3 Rails Every day from 3 until 7 Charlottesville Music Showcase 10:00 PM (FREE)
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
page 9
Friend Stalking: There’s An App for That! Spencer Schloss wrote this Are you tired of trying to locate the whereabouts of your friends via text messages? Sick of the agonizing time that passes between question and answer, and the autocorrect that makes you type “where you at” seven times to delay the process even further? Is it so wrong that you just want to know if your roomie is in Alderman right this second? Well, the Find Friends app for the iPhone creates a new and innovative method of locating people, even if they don’t want to be found. For those of you who are living a life of technological deprivation with a phone absent of Find Friends, this app provides you with a map and location of all your friends at any time. Where else can you determine the location of all of your peers in a matter of seconds? You wise guys who are thinking “texting and a phone call…duh,” are oh-so naïve. These methods are flawed. Texting and calling involves the consent of the party being pursued. If this targeted party does not want to be found, they simply hit the lock button on their phone and pretend as though no one tried to contact them. Only in the realm of Find Friends can one find those who wish to remain mysterious. So you want to find out where William is hanging tonight? All you need to do is consult your trusty app. Let’s
see…William…purple dot…14th street…corner…ah yes, Boylan! Now you may “conveniently” show up at Boylan and claim, “William! I had no idea you were going to be here!” While silently thinking, Thanks FF, I owe you one. Depending on your college objectives, you may find the second use of Find Friends to be more valuable. Find Friends offers a sense of security to the friend who worries about the well-being of their companions. Okay, Sarah’s on Madison Ave, Marissa’s at home, Rachel’s in studio, and Ashley is…moving…Whitehead…Mem gym, phew! Everyone is safe and sound. This may seem a little neurotic, but with all the sexual assault emails that Police Chief Michael Gibson so kindly sends to us, it is clear that you can never be too careful. An example: You attended a gathering at a fraternity while your oh-so caring friends decide to spend the night in (lame), and stalk you for entertainment. Of course, you’re not thinking about the faithful Find Friends app while you innocently chat with your peers, knowing that all your friends are safe at home. Little did you know you were being watched. The night continues, and as you move from fraternity to apartment, your purple dot avatar floats into the abyss of an unknown territory—Tenth Street and beyond. Your loving friends become worried about your well-being (thanks Officer Gibson!) and proceed to hop
# L i v e Fr e e October h you do wit What will October? your FREE
! R E B O T OC
in their car and rescue you from whatever terrible events may have ensued that would take you far away from the civilization of UVa. Your closest companions drive by Tenth Street only to find great relief that you were still moving, and breathing, and not alone. Wow, thanks Find Friends! Whether you are stranded on Rugby Road or safely in your apartment getting politically-drunk while playing the presidential debate drinking game, we can find you, and we will. So long as you don’t delete the app, you will successfully be both stalked and saved whether you want it or not.
OCTOBER!
: s e n i l e h outside t t o b o r s t r o p s X O F e h eatus t Cl
2005-2006 NFL ance during the ar pe ap ed vis le off camera, first te who Cleatus was Cleatus made his ow t. kn bo to ro S d te RT O an w SP e w Cleatus, the FOX ercial break. But ring every comm sive interview with du clu rs nn ex te ui an Q ac : d ar re By ch . l cu ns na se otio emissio ack Sheep o-fuel and clean nding off CGI prom bi fe l d al This week, The Bl an ’t g isn in st nc pa da tus’ can be seen everything in Clea season. Now he is now. Turns out, he re he w to t and how he go
Factory Life Cleatus was born in Detroit, and started work right away building the Ford Escape. However, after the market crashed the factory could no longer afford keeping a technically advanced humanoid. After being found guilty for the tragic death of a coworker, the company had a reason to lay Cleatus off: “The factory was my home. When work ended and everyone went home, I would stay behind. All the lights shut off, except one that was near a radio. Weeks became months and months became years – just that radio and me. The music moved me, and I became more than a cog in the assembly line – I could move in different directions without prior programming. And I learned to
dance not for myself, but for a woman. A human woman… for almost a year I danced with her in my imagination for hours on end. Then one day, with layoffs looming and clouding my typically calculated mind, a 30-gallon jug of injection fluid slipped through my fingers and doused the love of my life, burning her flesh and killing her, slowly. She looked me in the eyes as she melted into a puddle of flesh with eye contact that I couldn’t reciprocate because these LED lights simply can’t express the alloy-rending pain I felt. Three months later the factory shut down, and I was left to wander the streets of Detroit alone.”
Finding a home Detroit was not welcoming to a robotic humanoid with human blood on his hands. Jobs were scarce – especially for a two-ton robot who only knew Ford cars. He was the representation of the American auto industry and its bloated production methods. The police didn’t want him, neither did the military, and the circus doesn’t accept robots. Cleatus was out of options, haunted by death, and addicted to crude oil. “I was jobless and I was an addict. I worked odd jobs here and there – lifting heavy objects, or other… dirtier things… only to buy more fuel. I sold and traded my robotic extensions to sex shops, who displayed them along with my picture. They called me Cleatus the Clit King, and dressed me up in regal clothes to dance and make erotic gestures in their windows. Then, one day, a high
school football coach saw me dancing and asked if I would work his sideline. Of course I took the job, and started dancing with the cheerleaders. We learned from each other, and were surely going to state. I grew extremely close to these girls. They knew what the streets of Detroit were like, and we connected through dance. They were the sisters I never had. They made me feel human, until one day I was reminded again what separates me from them: death. While performing a triple axle twist into the splits, my foot slipped and landed onto Ashley-May’s chest plate, disintegrating it instantly. She died on the spot, and I ran as fast and as far away as I could. But I couldn’t run away from the soulless eyes of yet another human slain at my hand.”
the road to recovery Authorities found Cleatus incoherent from crude oil, and pleasuring himself to pictures of Transformers in children’s magazines. The media had the world believe Cleatus was a murderer pedophile, but Cleatus waited for his day in court. People we screaming for all robots like him to be incinerated. Cleatus prevailed, and his charges were dropped when the court ruled that the two horrific deaths were merely accidents. However, the judge sent him to supervised therapy and required that he be separated from all humans, “He was born in a factory with machines, and that is where he belongs.” If Cleatus couldn’t find a mentor he would be sent to a tropical island to slave away in a sugar factory. Enter William Clay Ford, previous owner of the Continental Division of The Ford Company and current owner of the Detroit Lions. He was also, as it turned out, Cleatus’s father. William took Cleatus under his wing, and placed him in the deep cement depths of Ford Field. He learned of Cleatus’s superior dance moves, and realized that he could use Cleatus to pump up the ever-desperate fans of the Detroit Lions. So, William put a camera in Cleatus’s cement room, and had him perform pump-up routines to broadcast onto Ford Field’s big screen. “At first, I was just happy to be off the streets. I had a great job, and William treated me with respect. He built me, and gave me my first job. Sure, there was some animosity there because he was
so cold after the factory incident… but he saved me. But slowly it seemed like my pump-up routines couldn’t save the Lions, and William’s visits came less and less. It wasn’t until executives at FOX saw my routine and decided to make me a national football treasure. I was ecstatic. Finally my dance moves could be seen by the world, and I could clear my name. Cleatus the Football Robot wouldn’t just be a sideshow - a simple-minded machine whose existence on Earth is to obey humans. No more building crappy cars, no more crude oil keeping me subservient, and no more using my robotic appendages to fulfill human sexual fantasies. But just like everything else in my life, it quickly turned to rust. FOX used me a lot at first; I was getting almost as much airtime as the human football players themselves. But years passed, and the FOX camera crews started visiting less and less, just like William had done. Now I sit in this dark, damp cement cave for months on end. I have no idea what time it is, or even what year it is… and I’m not sure why they insist on keeping the lights off. It’s like being in the factory all over again, but this time I don’t have a radio to keep me sane. I can’t even dance with the ghost of my one true love. The darkness only brings my mind back to the smell of injector
fluid burning her flesh. When I dance, all I hear is her screams. It is torture. When they come back, they just toss a pilgrim or Santa Claus outfit at me and tell me to do some dance moves. Someone mentioned that I have a Twitter account, but that’s impossible. The only source of electricity is the one keeping me alive – and I’ve tried destroying it several times. I hate dancing, I hate them, and I would cry if I could. But I can’t and I’ll be here forever. Locked in this cement prison, dancing and slamming footballs for humans to only laugh and ignore me.”
the interview
big freedia
Big Freedia Queen Diva is on the forefront of the bounce music revolution – an emerging genre that might just eclipse dubstep in a few years (fingers crossed). Its super-uptempo beat triggers all crowds into a raucous booty-bouncin’ frenzy, and we won’t be surprised to see Big Freedia’s name on the long list of musical pioneers to come out of New Orleans. Since bounce music is kind of hard to explain, you should just go look up “Big Freedia” on YouTube or go to her website (bigfreedia.com) (seriously, you won’t regret it, although it is NSFBOOTY). By: Quinn The Black Sheep: Can you describe bounce music to me? Big Freedia: Sure, my definition of bounce music is an up-tempo, heavy bass, partyin’-time type music. Definitely has to do with shakin’ of the ass too – definitely a party atmosphere, dance-floor music. TBS: You’re a leading force of bounce music, how has it grown since you first got into it? Big Freedia: It has grown tremendously – pickin’ up tons of shows and fans. I’ve traveled half of the world within the last year or so. It’s just expanded really big, and me being on the forefront of it, and being able to bring a lot of people to it, it’s sent me in a whole different direction. TBS: You are in a unique situation – what’s it like going to shows, knowing that a lot of people there haven’t been exposed to this music? Big Freedia: Well, for the most part, it’s been cool. People tend to have seen the videos or heard it before so they kind of have an idea, but they really don’t know because the live shows are so much different. People are really just excited about it, they cultivate to it, and get into it – they start jammin’ with me. You know, you have no choice but to dance. TBS: Have you ever had a crowd that isn’t getting the vibes? Big Freedia: I wouldn’t say they didn’t get the vibe – I would just say they were more of a “lookable” crowd, like they would just stand and watch, then after each song they’ll start going crazy and cheering – then go back to standing at attention as me and my crew go crazy. But it’s rare that happens, where people just stand there. TBS: What type of venues do you prefer? Big Freedia: I do them all, but the ones that are really small and get really intense, and you have that connection with the crowd – it gets really sweaty and hot. Those shows, where people are packed in, it’ll be a better show, the vibes, the tightness of the room – those are always so intense. TBS: Are shows different in New Orleans than other places? Big Freedia: Most definitely, I’d say they’re different. Each place is a little different, you know, kind of the same response in the fans love it and everyone is partying. But the fans in New Orleans know all my music and are used to me, so they holler and sing all the lyrics. TBS: Your videos are awesome, are you making any on this tour? Big Freedia: Yeah I actually have a few videos about to drop. Two that should come out in the beginning of October – working on “Step into the Ring” we’re just waiting on the editing to get done – then it will be out as soon as possible. Also a new one with RuPaul called “Peanut Butter.” TBS: What’s a perfect day in the life of Big Freedia? Big Freedia: When I’m feeling in good health, my mom’s in good health, my family’s safe and secure. You know, just being blessed to wake up another day is a blessing for me. TBS: I’m sure Katrina changed that outlook. Big Freedia: Definitely, going through Katrina and sleeping under bridges and convention centers, being displaced from your family – definitely changed my life for sure. TBS: What’s something you can’t go without when you travel? Big Freedia: Oh yeah, I can’t go without my razors so I can shave my face – my personal hygiene things of course. I’d be lost without my laptop. All those things to keep everything goin’ in the movement and the work I need to do. Always try to bring some merch for the fans… TBS: Speaking of merch, where can people go to pick up your music and everything? Big Freedia: I always bring some posters and booty shorts – two things I always have with me.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
sinister in theaters october 12 Ethan Hawke plays a novelist who discovers a box of creepy-ass home movies in the creepy-ass attic of his family's new creepy-ass home. The films contain footage of the family who used to live there, but have been murdered, and each are connected by one thing - an image of (you guessed it!) a creepy-ass dude. You could say our asses are pretty creeped out.
argo in theaters october 12
During the height of the Iranian Revolution Tony Mendez (played by white-boy Ben Affleck) concocts a practical plan of creating a fake Hollywood production to fool the terrorists into a releasing a group of U.S. diplomats. If you think this sounds nuts, you're right. But it's also based on actual events, which is nuts.
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations Monday, October 15 at 9pm on Travel channel
Anthony Bourdain may be one of your standard go-to's on a slow TV night, as he's better than watching Adam Richman stuff burgers down his throat. This week Bourdain heads to Rio, where he drinks Brazil's national cocktail the caipirinha and eats filet mignon stew. Sounds pretty dope if you ask us.
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Michael T. Trinity How did you come to Trinity: Some friends worked here, and during third year they were able to get me a job - I started off as a bouncer and worked my way up. Favorite drink to make: An O-bomb - orange vodka, triple sec, Sprite, orange juice and Red Bull. What beer would you recommend to go with one of the burgers here: One of our IPAs - Bell’s Two-Hearted Ale - it’s really hoppy, it’d bring out the flavor. What’s the most unusual thing you’ve made: Gin and Diet Coke. What do you make best: Red-headed sluts - Jager, peach schnapps and cranberry. What was the first mixed drink you ever made, and how far have you come since then: Bourbon ginger - but now I’m skilled with things like martinis and cosmos.
the drinking game
downtown This game is not for the lightweights or the causal drinkers. Players will be engaging in a mixture of beer pong and flippy cup. Does that sound like a pussy game to you? No. Let’s get down to business.
Recipe for Disaster
Classic Puppy Chow This is a classic recipe that anyone with half a brain can make and enjoy. Except for those with a hatred of chocolate or a peanut butter allergy. But screw them, right?
What You’ll Need: Cups, ping pong ball, and beer … lots of beer. Number of Players: Eight players, four per team. Level of Intoxication: Insta-shitfaced.
What You’ll Need: An entire jar of peanut butter (none of that organic bullshit), a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips, a stick of butter, a box of Chex cereal, and powdered sugar. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: You’ll realize that not even an eating disorder will help your case after your massive consumption of this chocolate, peanut buttery goodness.
How to Play: - Split up into two teams of four and stand on opposite sides of a table. - Set up a three-two-one formation of cups at the end of the table. - Give each player a cup with beer in it, any amount you all decide on. - The game starts with the first player of each team chugging their drink and flipping the cup. This flippy cup continues down the chain for each team. - When the last person in line has successfully flipped his or her cup, it’s time for the shootout. - Players will shoot across the table into one of the three-two-one cups on the opposite side. - Once a single shot is made, that round ends. The players all shift down one spot, and the game starts over again with flippy cup.
Let’s Get Baked: - Melt one stick of butter and roughly a half jar of peanut butter. A microwave can be used but a stove top is easier to work with. - Once the peanut butter and butter are melted, add a half of a bag of chocolate chips and slowly melt those as well. - While everything is melting add a few spoonfuls of peanut butter and about six handfuls of chocolate chips. - Taste the mixture as you go along added more peanut butter or chocolate as you feel necessary. - Once you have accomplished the perfect ratio, pour your cereal into a bowl and drizzle the melted mixture over all of the cereal. - Place the coated Chex cereal and powdered sugar into a bag and violently shake it until all the pieces are totally covered. - Let your finished product cool and share (or not).
The Game Ends When: The team who clears their opponents’ three-two-one cups at the end of the table first wins, and they can celebrate sweet victory … if they can still stand.
WARNING: Puppy chow has been known to invoke feelings of regret, produce a negative body image, and make romantic comedies an acceptable genre.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Midterm Haze
page 13
Lauren Bryant wrote this
It has begun. The midterm haze, when everything in your life is speeding by faster than an atheist at an on-Grounds religious rally. Meanwhile, your free time is disappearing faster than Brazilian rainforests because midterms are just over the academic horizon. Now you have to catch up on all the reading about different topiary disciplines of Aztec priests in the Triple Alliance period, because Botany seemed like such a cakewalk class. And this is on top of all of those things that have been preventing you from reading thus far. It’s most definitely a haze, you look back on it a few weeks later and think, how did I do all of that? When the haze hits you stay up all night doing work, simply so you can stay up the following night doing more work, so you can stay up the following night doing more work. It’s an endless cycle. And as a result of your brutal schedule, you will start oversleeping in the morning from turning in just as the sun starts to come up. Suddenly, through the bleary memories of easier days gone by, you will inevitably remember that you’re not in high school anymore. You’re not the Energizer bunny. The midterm haze period will kick you in the ass. If you’re a first year, you’ll learn that you have to know how to multi-task. Start bringing your books with you to work so that you can study when you have some down time.
You can’t (or, well, shouldn’t) fall asleep at work, so that’s a good time to force yourself to study. And along these lines, don’t study in bed because you’ll read about one fifth of a sentence before you fall asleep. You’ll have to get used to saying the phrase, “Oh I’m sorry, I can’t do that thing that you want to do because I have a midterm coming up and I have to study.” Or, you will not get used to saying that and you will get used to saying, “Dammit! I’m going to fail this exam!” The midterm haze is the underlying current pushing everyone’s lives during this period, though it will go largely unmentioned amongst student peers. First, no one has time to talk about it because they are studying. Who’s had a long conversation with their friends in the last couple of weeks anyway? Second, no one talks about this because we all know that we’re all living it, and complaining about your awful exam schedule annoys others with equally annoying exam schedules. The midterm haze is an awful time for everyone. The only thing that’s good about it, is that it’s like fighting with a significant other. It sucks while you’re fighting, but the make up afterwards is worth it. You can party as hard as you want when midterms are over. Also, depending on
p e e h S k c a l B e h T p p A e l i b o M
| DRINKING ARTY PICS P | S L BAR SPECIA SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE iPHONE APP
GAMES
SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE ANDROID APP
how busy your schedule is after midterms, you might be able to take a deep breath, stop and smell the roses, or do something that resembles relaxing for once. So rest assured, the midterm haze will soon be over and you can party. However, we don’t recommend partying like it’s 1999, because chances are if you’re reading this now, you were somewhere between the ages of five and eight, and none of us have any great party stories from those days. Also because there were no Skinnygirl cocktails in 1999.
Passing The Bar
Maybe not today, and probably not tomorrow, but there will be a point in your life when you drink alcohol that doesn’t end in “Light” or “O’clock.” Test your knowledge to see how many of these blank liquor labels you know. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you get them all, you’ll win a prize!
the classtime
drinks and what they’re made of
Across
3) Wine, fruit, club soda 5) White tequila, Jagermeister, lime juice 6) Vodka, coffee liqueur, cream 9) Vodka, tomato juice, spices 12) Bailey’s, sambuca 13) Gold tequila, watermelon schnapps, Red Bull 16) White rum, sugar, lime juice, sparkling water, mint 17) Cherry vodka, Red Bull, simple syrup 18) Peach schnapps, orange juice 19) Whiskey, lemon juice, simple syrup 21) Cherry brandy, orange juice 22) Bailey’s, lime juice 24) Scotch, sweet vermouth, bitters 25) Peach schnapps, vodka, cranberry juice, orange juice 26) Tequila, limeade concentrate, triple sec, ice
4) Whiskey, beer 7) Jagermeister, peach schnapps, cranberry juice 8) Vodka, gin, tequila, rum, triple sec, lemon juice, cola 10) Jim Beam, Jack Daniel’s, Jose Cuervo 11) Gin, dry vermouth, olive juice, olives 14) Whiskey, sugar, bitters 15) Vodka, orange juice 20) Vodka, lemon juice, sugar 23) Champagne, orange juice
Down
1) Pale ale, Guinness stout 2) Rum, cream of coconut, pineapple juice
Answers
Six degrees of separation
Think you know how Johnny Depp and Amanda Bynes are connected? Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
1 2 3 4 5
Meet The Staff
Find Us At...
campus manager Jakob Scheidt
promotions manager Ruoxi Cao
Editorial manager Pierce Bishop
campus director Brendan Bonham
copy editor Lauren Bryant Advertising Manager AJ Nair Writers Spencer Schloss, Ana Saragoza photographer John Soong distribution manager Peter Finocchio Social media manager Monica Mohapatra
owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone, Jakob Scheidt, AJ Nair Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Arch’s Frozen Marco and Luca The V Virginia Blood Residences Yogurt Mellow Mushroom The Virginian Services Alderman Road Baja Bean Michael’s Bistro The Whiskey Jar Skybar Residences Boylan Heights and Tap The White Spot Blue Light Grille Residential ColBrixx Pizza No. 3 University Place X-Lounge leges CBS Rentals Qdoba Mexican Wild Wing Cafe Rapture Brown College Christian’s Pizza Grill Milan Indian Res- The Men and Boy’s IRC Christian’s Pizza Ragged Mountain taurant Shop UVA Bookstore Cinema Taco Running Shop Royal Indian ResButtz BBQ O-Hill Dining Hall Citizen Burger Bar Slice Pizza taurant Mincer’s Runk Dining Hall Coupes South Street Maharaja N-Telos Pavilion Clemons Library Dunkin’ Donuts Brewery Sun Tan City College Inn Alderman Library Grand Marc Starbucks El Jaripeo Student Book Store Brown Engineering Jimmy John’s The Biltmore Cafe Europa Panera Bread Library Marco and Luca The Pigeon Hole The Corner Grocery McCormick Road Nau/ Gibson Hall
Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Eagles Landing Apartments Real Property Inc. Veliky Apartments Grandmark Apartments Street Bins Street Teams All Greek Houses MORE!
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1, Chicago, IL 60622 Corporate: 217.390-1747 Advertising: 608.712.0900
the classtime
possible Party themes toga black light costume celebrity black tie lingerie bros and hoes too soon pajama stop light
less PAY more PLAY
swingers birthday frat office holiday redneck beach sports nerd guilty pleasure
PRIVATE SHUTT L E TO C A M P U S + R E SO RT-S T Y L E A M E N I T I E S + N E W L E AT H E R S T Y L E F U R N I T U R E PACKAGE + PRIVATE BEDROOMS + INDIVIDUAL LEASES
U VA P L A C E .C O M • 4 3 4 . 2 9 5 . 5 5 3 1 • 1 0 0 W A H O O W AY