The Black Sheep
fr ee ... lik it' e ye s t ll he ow be st sno ! w. ..
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 2 • 1/24/13 - 2/6/13
theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu
King in your Dorm-main Hannah Weyer wrote this
In most cases, college is the first experience in independence, most notably in living. Whether in the dorms, in an apartment or in a rented house, most students get their first taste of total control in their lives here. And most college students are shit at it. As a kid, you, of course, had a dream of your ultimate room. You drew a picture that your mom hung on the refrigerator, and you resented her for calling your Tyrannosaurus mouth bed “cute.” “She will learn to fear me,” you vowed. And then you ran off to eat Oreos and decide where to put the laboratory in your room and where to put the popcorn maker. How’s that going, slugger? This is the first time you’ve ever had this much control over your life. And what are you doing with it? Throwing dirty clothes all willy-nilly on the floor instead of handing them to your robot maid to clean? Leaving dishes in the sink to form bacterial colonies that you hope will wipe out the indigenous bacterial populations on your sponge? Lofting your factory-made bed to a socially acceptable height for aesthetic and efficiency? For shame, man. Were he any more than a metaphor for the juvenile urge to make a pillow fort, your inner child would punch you in your dumb stupid face. It’s time to take control of your life again. A man’s home is his castle, and you are the eccentric king that has to answer to no one. Start acting like it. Walls: The blank white walls in your room over time will sap your creativity and your will to move. That’s fine if you want to be the sort of king that doesn’t move. If you’re better than that, find a girl and give her a weekend. All girls come with an acute sense of color and an art the Chinese have come to call “feng shui,” or, “The painting is crooked. Yes it is. Yes it IS. No, look, it’s not even with the bed. Well, fix it, Daniel. You just made it more croo- move, I’ll do it. Jesus Christ.” Floors: Do you wake up every morning with a pit in your stomach, dreading the moment your feet touch the floor? You might live in Michigan. Tile floors have ruined more mornings than drunken hookups, broken alarm clocks, and Kalamazoo coffee combined. The obvious solution is a loyal subject or two sleeping on your floor so you can step on their warm bodies when you wake up. But let’s think outside the box. How about a nice bearskin rug? Or a space heater for the floor? How about a zip-line system to carry you from your bed to the bathroom so you wake up every morning with a sense of adventure and childlike whimsy? Remember, you’re the king of your castle. You can go anywhere with this.
princess fashion face off
But seriously, these hats deserve their own private French Revolution.
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Decorate: A castle reflects the king’s rich inner life. When a castle has a bed, a garbage can and a desk, the layman thinks, “This king is dull and probably weak. I will overthrow him.” When a castle is filled with tapestries, statues to his glory, a wall of sex toys, a fountain of PBR, trophies taken from his vanquished foes and a bounce house, the layman thinks, “This king has a thirteen-inch cock and is worthy of my respect. I will pay him tribute and spread tales of his magnificence to everyone I know.”
need someone to cook for you and someone else to clean for you. A king does not deign to dirty his hands with peasant chores. You’ll also need a court jester and some yes-men. Whether you want a queen, a harem and a queen, or just three harems that jealously compete with each other to be your favorite -- boobs -- or the gay king’s equivalent of boobs, are essential. The more people you keep in your castle, the easier it will be to invade other kingdoms and take their room and make them do your laundry.
Staff: There’s not a whole lot that can be considered more depressing than an empty castle. Maybe those Sponsor a Child commercials that interrupt your Nick at Nite time, but not much else. Find out who you need and fill your castle with people. Obviously you’ll
Whether benevolent or iron fisted, you are a king and a king deserves his castle. If you treat your dorm, apartment or house as anything less, you risk losing face, respect and bitches. Don’t lose your bitches, man. Where will they go?
what'’s inside
Bar Star’s Manifesto
Every man’s gots to have a code...
The black sheep interviews: bears in heaven Our chat with the Brooklyn band got kind of deep, then jet skiing with Michelle Obama came up.
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