The Black Sheep
fr ee ... lik it' e ye s t ll he ow be st sno ! w. ..
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 2 • 1/24/13 - 2/6/13
theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu
King in your Dorm-main Hannah Weyer wrote this
In most cases, college is the first experience in independence, most notably in living. Whether in the dorms, in an apartment or in a rented house, most students get their first taste of total control in their lives here. And most college students are shit at it. As a kid, you, of course, had a dream of your ultimate room. You drew a picture that your mom hung on the refrigerator, and you resented her for calling your Tyrannosaurus mouth bed “cute.” “She will learn to fear me,” you vowed. And then you ran off to eat Oreos and decide where to put the laboratory in your room and where to put the popcorn maker. How’s that going, slugger? This is the first time you’ve ever had this much control over your life. And what are you doing with it? Throwing dirty clothes all willy-nilly on the floor instead of handing them to your robot maid to clean? Leaving dishes in the sink to form bacterial colonies that you hope will wipe out the indigenous bacterial populations on your sponge? Lofting your factory-made bed to a socially acceptable height for aesthetic and efficiency? For shame, man. Were he any more than a metaphor for the juvenile urge to make a pillow fort, your inner child would punch you in your dumb stupid face. It’s time to take control of your life again. A man’s home is his castle, and you are the eccentric king that has to answer to no one. Start acting like it. Walls: The blank white walls in your room over time will sap your creativity and your will to move. That’s fine if you want to be the sort of king that doesn’t move. If you’re better than that, find a girl and give her a weekend. All girls come with an acute sense of color and an art the Chinese have come to call “feng shui,” or, “The painting is crooked. Yes it is. Yes it IS. No, look, it’s not even with the bed. Well, fix it, Daniel. You just made it more croo- move, I’ll do it. Jesus Christ.” Floors: Do you wake up every morning with a pit in your stomach, dreading the moment your feet touch the floor? You might live in Michigan. Tile floors have ruined more mornings than drunken hookups, broken alarm clocks, and Kalamazoo coffee combined. The obvious solution is a loyal subject or two sleeping on your floor so you can step on their warm bodies when you wake up. But let’s think outside the box. How about a nice bearskin rug? Or a space heater for the floor? How about a zip-line system to carry you from your bed to the bathroom so you wake up every morning with a sense of adventure and childlike whimsy? Remember, you’re the king of your castle. You can go anywhere with this.
princess fashion face off
But seriously, these hats deserve their own private French Revolution.
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Decorate: A castle reflects the king’s rich inner life. When a castle has a bed, a garbage can and a desk, the layman thinks, “This king is dull and probably weak. I will overthrow him.” When a castle is filled with tapestries, statues to his glory, a wall of sex toys, a fountain of PBR, trophies taken from his vanquished foes and a bounce house, the layman thinks, “This king has a thirteen-inch cock and is worthy of my respect. I will pay him tribute and spread tales of his magnificence to everyone I know.”
need someone to cook for you and someone else to clean for you. A king does not deign to dirty his hands with peasant chores. You’ll also need a court jester and some yes-men. Whether you want a queen, a harem and a queen, or just three harems that jealously compete with each other to be your favorite -- boobs -- or the gay king’s equivalent of boobs, are essential. The more people you keep in your castle, the easier it will be to invade other kingdoms and take their room and make them do your laundry.
Staff: There’s not a whole lot that can be considered more depressing than an empty castle. Maybe those Sponsor a Child commercials that interrupt your Nick at Nite time, but not much else. Find out who you need and fill your castle with people. Obviously you’ll
Whether benevolent or iron fisted, you are a king and a king deserves his castle. If you treat your dorm, apartment or house as anything less, you risk losing face, respect and bitches. Don’t lose your bitches, man. Where will they go?
what'’s inside
Bar Star’s Manifesto
Every man’s gots to have a code...
The black sheep interviews: bears in heaven Our chat with the Brooklyn band got kind of deep, then jet skiing with Michelle Obama came up.
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Highrant:
A person who is like, really stingy with letting someone borrow a bowl, man. “Pat, don’t be such a highrant, I just need to smoke a little so I can catch some z’s tonight, dude.”
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Princess Fashion Face Off Erica Brazelton wrote this
The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Characters to watch on Game of Thrones (Without spoilers)
10.) Cersei Lannister: Cold, comely and calculating with a heart made of equal parts evil and brilliant, Cersei Lannister is as much fun to watch as she is to despise. Plus, it makes you look pretty good by comparison! “Look, baby, I know I slept with your roommate, but at least I didn’t [spoiler] with my [spoiler] and convince you the [spoilers] were yours!” 9.) Jon Snow: There are two kinds of people that watch Game of Thrones: those who sympathize with Ned Stark’s dark and mysterious bastard, and those who are all, “STFU YOU BROODY-ASS BASTARD! Get the fuck over yourself! Christ on a cracker, this guy sucks!”
Ugly Elderly Hat Wearing: Kate Middleton of Cambridge VS. Eugenie of York The funny thing about Kate is that from the neck down, she actually looks polished and put together, like the kind of girl you always want to work with in group projects because she’s sort of a rigid control freak and you know you’ll get an "A" despite giving no effort. Then from the neck up, she looks 87 years old, like the kind of girl who drags you to bingo and then makes you rub her corns because her arthritis is acting up again. The young Kate wants to wear chic, fitted clothes and enjoy life before menopause, but the old Kate is forcing her to tilt her hats to the side and pretend it's less tragic from a diagonal view. Eugenie’s hats aren't just elderly, they're scary. There always appears to be something sprouting from her head that looks as if it might be alive, and you're slightly worried for her safety. Winner: Eugenie! Hats off to you! Subtle Sexpot: Charlene of Monaco vs. Ameerah of Saudi Arabia Charlene isn't one of those royals who subscribe to the typical Victorian-era chastity that forces women to cover up, so as not as to excite the loins of the man folk. She's all, "Yeah, I have legs and boobs and I'll bust them out if I want, bitches." Plus, ever since she cut her hair she's had that Sharon Stone Basic Instinct thing going on, only instead of Michael Douglas it's her bald husband dude. But you get the point.
8.) Joffrey Baratheon: Did you think you hated Draco Malfoy? Oh, that’s cute. Joffrey is the tyrannical king of all blond douchebags. On his mother’s side, of course. Malfoy never [spoiler] his [spoiler] [spoiler] with a [spoiler]. And he never [spoiler] his [spoiler] [spoiler] [spoiler] and showed it to her. And he didn’t [spoiler] a hooker to [spoiler] another hooker with a [spoiler]. DAFUQ EVEN IS THAT?! 7.) Hodor: Hodor may be dumb, but he has the biggest schlong you’ve ever seen swingin’ around on the small screen. 6.) Arya Stark: Arya is everyone’s favorite Stark! She and her sister Sansa present the starkest (ha!) of contrasts: one is a vapid, helpless, spoiled little princess to be, the other fearlessly [spoiler] from the [spoiler] and becomes a bit of a badass when she [spoiler]. 5.) Daenerys Targaryen: Half the people who watch Game of Thrones are watching it for the broest of all ladies. When confronted with a [spoiler] to a [spoiler] lord, most of us would probably piss ourselves in fear. Not this BAMF. She turned around and made him her bitch, and now she has [spoilers]. When a Targaryen plays the Game of Thrones, she plays for pinks, bitches. 4.) Melisandre: There are three types of women in the Game of Thrones series: helpless little princesses, strong, self-actualizing characters and ladies that bewitch men with their magical vaginas. Any guesses which kind the Red Woman is? 3.) Tyrion Lannister: The half of people that isn’t watching Game of Thrones for the Targaryen up there is watching it for the Lannister down here. Did we say down here? That wasn’t a short joke, we swear. But seriously. This son of a bitch may be the coolest, most compelling and most fun-to-watch character in any series on TV today. The little scene where he [spoilers] Joffrey will live forever in your heart. 2.) Samwell Tarly: For everyone in the world that hates Jon Snow, there’s Sam Tarly. Fat, chicken and a bit pathetic about ladies, Sam is surprisingly good-hearted and smart. Sam is like the Sam to Jon’s Frodo.
Princesss Ameerah reminds us of a sexy secret agent. By day, she champions women's rights and does charity work, but by night she puts on a bitchin' pair of sunglasses and fights evil while wearing six inch heels, then walks away in slow motion while something explodes behind her and a Beyoncé song plays in the background. Winner: Draw - they're both kind of awesome. Trying too hard: Elisabeth von Thurn und Taxis of Germany vs. Beatrice of York Is there a Worst Dressed List in Germany? We also wonder if Elisabeth's wardrobe is the entirety of that list. Most little sisters look to their older sisters for fashion advice. But if your sister is Eugenie you should just go ahead and burn your hand-me-downs. We know the fairy tale usually ends when you meet a handsome prince, duchess, but happily ever after needs a good stylist. Winner: Elisabeth -- hands down.
1.) Eddard Stark: Ned Stark is the moral center of the entire series. When everyone else plays the game for money or power, this dude takes the ball off the court and sits on it, forcing everyone to act like human beings instead of spiders and assholes. And it’s great to know as the center of this series, he’s gonna stick around for the- WHAT?!? WHAT? NO FUCKING WAY! SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH! Oh, SHIT, bro! Wow!
@Black_Sheep_wmu wrote this
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The Black Sheep Guide to:
“Help! The Kid I Pushed Out of a Window to Protect my Queen/Twin Sister/Lover Won’t Stay Dead!” wmu staff wrote this Jamie Lannister: You there. Help me. The Black Sheep: Wow, rude. Try asking nicely, dick. JL: Come help me or I’ll stab this paper with my enormous sword. TBS: If you know what I mean. JL: Now, peasant. TBS: I do not like you. But I’m bound by the sacred Help Guide oath to help you. What’s the problem? JL: I need someone… taken care of. TBS: Isn’t that what your enormous sword is for? JL: You might not recognize me, but I am very rich and famous. I can’t be seen murdering people all crazy. TBS: If you’re so rich, why not pay someone to do it? That happens, right? JL: I would, but my payroll assassins all have certain… misgivings about this particular target. TBS: Misgivings? Assassins don’t have a whole lot of morals. It’s pretty much just pay, kill… right? Unless- Oh my God. JL: Remember, you’re bound by oath to help me. TBS: No, man! No way! I ain’t hurting no kids! They didn’t say nothin’ about no kids! JL: You haven’t even heard my side of the story! TBS: What could possibly have happened that would make someone even consider child murder? JL: If he wakes up, he’ll remember I pushed him out of a window. TBS: Why JL: Because he saw me and the queen… you know… TBS: …What? JL: He saw me and the queen together and I couldn’t risk him telling anyone, so I had to push him out of the window. TBS: You’re sleeping with a king’s wife? What are you, stupid? JL: Hey, I loved her first! We’ve been together ever since we were in the womb together and TBS: Whoa, hold up. What? JL: The queen is my twin sister. I assumed that went without saying. TBS: Hoooooooooo boy. Hoo. Wow. Okay. JL: So, tell me how to kill the child that miraculously survived a hundred foot fall after I pushed him out the window for accidentally seeing me sleep with my twin sister the Queen, Help Guide. TBS: I don’t know, dude. JL: A Lannister always pays his debts. TBS: Fine. But I want a BIG castle, and a whole stable of ponies that look like Applejack. JL: I’ll make the hats myself. TBS: You’re pretty rich and powerful. How about you just pay off the kid’s family? Peasants only live like 30 years or so. Give it a year or two and it won’t even be a problem. JL: It’s not some worthless peasant family. It’s Bran Stark.
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TBS: Wait, the Starks? As in, the noble family that hates your family’s guts, and has the power to ruin your name to the king?
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you were queen of America, what would you do first? "I would go to the urban populations and make sure they knew how important education was."- Mara, Sophomore
JL: That’s the one. TBS: And you pushed their son out of a window. JL: Yup. TBS: Big castle. Big castle. Big castle. Okay. The Starks hate you, right? And your sister is married to the king. JL: Go on. TBS: If your sister says the Starks lied about the king to make her doubt him, he’ll get pissed off at them and consider them liars and jerk heads if they tell him about you and your sister. It’s lady-game. JL: Okay, good start. But the king hates my sister, loves the Starks and we don’t want him looking too close at the kids. TBS: …The kids? What - oh, no.
"I'm not American, but I would improve enforcement on all environmental laws." - Iris, Junior
JL: Yeah. TBS: Bro, why? JL: At least they’re really good looking! TBS: Aww, gross, man! And you guys are twins! That’s, like, double incest? JL: I’m sensing a lot of judgment. TBS: Shit, man. Okay. How about this: If your sisquoverJL: Sisquover? TBS: Sister/queen/lover. Stay with me, Lannister. If your sisquover can somehow incapacitate the king- say, murder him with a boar - and put your creepy incest kid on the throne quick enough to declare the Starks traitors to the crown, anything they do against you will look like political scrambling and they won’t have any support. Maybe get that dour Stark lord dude to publicly take back any charges levied against you, but for the love of God don’t hurt him or you’ll be looking at a really long, boring political war during which you’ll have to say “A Lannister always pays his debts” so much it becomes a drinking game. JL: Uh oh. TBS: Oh no. What? JL: Remember that thing you said not to do to Ned Stark? TBS: Oh, GOD damn it! You Lannisters are a real piece of work, you know that? JL: Wait till you meet my brother.
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The Bar Star’s Manifesto Thomas Stewart wrote this
So you wanna be a Bar Star? Well grab your snapback and hold the hell onto it because you’re about to get a crash course in being a Boss-Hog-Alpha-Male-Snatch-Wrangler. Follow this guide and you’ll be King of the Grotto in no time. That’s right, welcome to the big leagues, bro. First, make sure you’re looking like a boss. Does your Affliction t-shirt have at least eight skulls floating around some SICK barbed wire iron crucifix on it? Check. Do your $300 blue jeans inexplicably have fleur-de-lis on the butt pockets? Chickety-check. White Pumas for the gentleman who refuses to compromise, and demands a shoe that screams both style and androgyny? Check and mate! Now, have you used an entire bottle of gel to make your hair into a unicorn horn? Oh, you better believe that’s a check! Now that you look like a million bucks, it’s time to spend that much at the bar. A true Bar Star drinks nothing but top shelf liquor. No way would a baaawse like Ricky Rozay lead you wrong. Plus, if there’s any honeys around it’s important to really shout the top shelf part because, you know, chicks love that ca-lassy shit. This next one goes without saying: order shots. You secretly think alcohol tastes icky, and shots get it down the hatch pronto, Tonto. Take that shot and let everyone know you’re counting down the days until Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy is back by making a face so uncomfortable it’s like a shirtless Steve Buscemi just hugged you from behind. But don’t chase it, only weak women chase things. Then, slam that glass down and roar like you’re Mufasa on Pride Rock, you big beautiful lion. Roaring is key. It intimidates the lesser men (i.e. everyone) and lets the broads know you mean business, loud and over-compensating business. For good measure, scream out something cool that
will make everyone like and respect you, like “Turnt up!” (in a 2 Chainz voice, naturally). At this point someone might throw a bottle at your head saying, “It’s one in the afternoon on a Wednesday. Shut up, spazz.” Don’t let it stop you; brush off the haters and shine on like the bedazzles on your shirt, you crazy little diamond; they’re just threatened by your steez. Speaking of steez, having the right attitude is important if you want to be the big dog. Having a conversation isn’t cool -- a bunch of blow and wearing Oakleys indoors is cool. Cut out that lame getting to know people stuff and stick to leaning against the bar shouting out random onomatopoeias, “Boom blakow!” is a personal favorite. Now, if some jabroni eyeballs you the wrong way, or you run out of onomatopoeias, simply start a fight. If there’s one thing that establishes Bar Stardom and gets ladies falling all over you it’s getting your Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out on over some real petty stuff. It’ll show the bitties you’re even more spontaneous, dangerous, and exciting than your barbed wire tat already leads on. This should also go without saying, but when you’re looking for some mouth-breather cruising for a bruising make sure he is much smaller than you and cannot defend himself. If this joker’s big and scary, then avoid actually fighting and just shout, “Hold me back!” a lot to your party posse. Then after the chump walks away you can all safely call him a pussy. Yeah, you know the drill. “But why’s a boozing, babe-slaying pirate king like yourself sharing all your secrets?” you’re surely asking yourself in a less masculine voice than mine. Well, maybe I’m getting sentimental about my legacy in my ninth year of college, maybe my liver has
finally quit on me, or maybe I’m just not allowed in the majority of Kalamazoo bars anymore. They say they'll take me out back and beat me with a tube sock full of pennies, but I can fend off like, eight of those bitches. My reasons aren’t important. What is important is that you go be the Bar Star this city needs. Wherever a butt is creepily pinched, you’ll be there. Wherever someone takes a bump off a filthy toilet seat in a bar, you’ll be there. Wherever someone is throwing up inside a bar but denies it immediately after and keeps violently dancing, you’ll be there. Godspeed, dawg.
Become the
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The Bar Grid WEDNESDAY: $5 Pitchers of Beer $5 Mixed Drink Pitchers $1 Tacos
Friday and Saturday! Glow Bowl! $10 for 2 hours of Glow Bowl Flavor of the Week Pitcher Special 9p-2a
WED: College Night NO COVER WITH WMU ID .50 cent drafts - $1.50 wells DJ Kane on Main DJ MT in the PIT
THURS
LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS
$5 Wraps, Sandwiches & Burgers 3pm-10pm, Happy Hour 3-7pm, $2.50 Tall Domestic Drafts 7-10pm, $2.50 Bud/Bud Lt Bottles, $2.50 Wells, $3 SoCo Lime Shots 9pm-1am
$3 U-Call-Its ALL NIGHT
PBR Night! $6 Pitchers PBR and $3 Calls All Night Long
Late Night HH 9pm - 12am 1/2 off Apps and $3.00 Bud Light Pints $6.50 Medium Pizza
FRI
9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts $5 Double Premiums
2 For $20 (1 App, 2 Entrees or Medium 3 Topping Traditional Pizza & 1 Dessert) 3-10pm, Happy Hour 3-7pm: $1 Rolling Rock Pints, PBR & High Life Bottles, $3 Washington Apple Shots $4 Long Island/Beach 9pm-1am
$1 Domestic Pints, $2 Wells, $3 Pizzas (4-7) $4 Vodka Red Bull, $5 pizza (7-close)
Glow Bowl! $10 for 2 hours of Glow Bowl Flavor of the Week Pitcher Special 9p-2a
Progressive Pints 3pm - 9pm $1.25 Domestic and $2.00 Leiny Pints 9pm - 12am $2.00 Domestic and $3.00 Leiny Pints DJ CREOLE playing in the PIT
SAT
After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
$2.50 U-CALL IT 3PM - 1AM Grotto's HALF OFF Food Menu 3PM - 10PM
1/2 Off All Food and Drink (noon-midnight)
Glow Bowl! $10 for 2 hours of Glow Bowl Flavor of the Week Pitcher Special 9p-2a
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MON
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TUES
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$1.00 Wells $6.99 nachos
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WED
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$5 Pitchers of Beer $5 Mixed Drink Pitchers $1 Tacos
Ladies Night! $1 Games, $2 Wine, $3 Cosmos for Ladies, $3 Micro Pints 6p-close For All
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Dr. Fakelove, or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Fake Having a Girlfriend black sheep staff wrote this So, life has you down? Classes a grind? Depressed because you can’t figure out where Jamba Juice is located? It’s going to be okay, if only your friends would stop asking you when you’re going to get a girlfriend or boyfriend! Maybe you don’t want one -- you’re a big beautiful truck who don’t need no man. But shit, people are really persistent when it comes to this sort of thing. They start to ask questions, like, “Why did you get two burritos if you’re just going home alone?” (that question answers itself, doesn’t it?) or, “Do you do anything besides run a Madden franchise and write comedy articles?” (the Dolphins aren’t going to lead themselves out of mediocrity). Well, enough is enough. The Black Sheep has dug through the middle school playbook and found the perfect solution: you’re going to invent a signifcant other. “But The Black Sheep,” you begin. Let us interject; it’s Dr. The Black Sheep. We did not get our doctorate in comedy to be addressed as “The Black Sheep.” “But Dr. The Black Sheep, isn’t it dangerous to have a fake boo? Notre Dame just had a big scandal with Manti Te’o!” To that we say, eh, maybe. The thing you have to keep in mind is that you’re not a star linebacker at the largest football program in the country. You are not a blip on anyone’s radar. If the world were WMU, your significance as an individual would be about equal to those fliers for dubstep shows that get passed around on campus. Plus, we’re not going to make the mistakes that those Fighting Irish scrubs did. First, no high profile schools for your fake ladyfriend or boytoy. Stanford? Easily verified, has a significant alumni pool, maybe overly ambitious (seriously, you’re you, why would anyone who got into a good school want to be your internet date?). Nothing doing there, shoot for something more obscure, but believable. It should be reasonably far away to explain why they don’t visit, intriguing enough to spin a story around, and common enough to where people don’t poke around too much. For the sake of this article, let’s pretend your fake hook-up goes to… Wyoming. It helps to know about the university that you’re pretending to date someone
from, so Wyoming’s mascot is the Cowboys, it’s located in Laramie, and Dick Cheney went to school there. This should be enough to keep anyone from thinking it’s just something that you made up. “Your girlfriend goes to Wyoming?” “Yep, she’s a big Cowboys fan and Dick Cheney went there!” “Fair enough, I totally believe she exists!” *high five*. Second, no fake social media accounts. One, you’d have to interact with it, which is just depressing. It’s the technological equivalent of practicing kissing with your pillow (Ed. note: As the staff consists solely of sexhavers, we cannot confirm whether or not people still kiss their pillows). Two, it leads to questions: “Why did this social media account just come into existence? Why don’t they have a lot of friends? Why are all of their profile pics airbrushed or just stock images of flowers?” Remember, you created a fake girlfriend or boyfriend to avoid answering questions about your personal life; the last thing you want to do is talk about someone else’s life, especially when they don’t exist in the first place. If anyone questions why the ethereal hookup has no social media presence, explain that they’re pretty much the biggest hipster you know, which is why they’re going to Wyoming. It’s ironic. Keep everything simple and you won’t have to juggle lies. Third, have an exit strategy. You can milk the long-distance-fake-partner for about three months, but then you gotta ditch that fake bitch. You’ll be given about a month of grieving time after that by the people around you. You won’t actually be sad, but fake it. It’ll make the whole thing believable, and people like to feel like they’ve given you some sort of unconditional support. You may wonder, “Why three months?” Well, that’s about the time you’ll have before people start asking, “So when is he/she going to visit?” Tell people you have Skype dates to keep in touch, and use this time to take up a hobby, like woodworking, or ball handling (in hopes of walking onto the Broncos next season) (Ed. note: It’s much easier to walk on as a shooter than a point guard, everyone needs a guy who can stand in the corner and make threes). Eventu-
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ally, what you’re going to want to do is have one of these Skype dates “go wrong” (do not practice your hobby that night, you don’t want to explain to people why you have a whittling kit out in your apartment) and then call a friend, distraught over your long-distance relationship. Your friend may smugly reassure you that it was a bad idea to ever get involved with someone over the internet, especially long distance; this is good, because they will be too busy patting themselves on the back to examine anything too closely. If it all goes smoothly, people might even recognize that yes, you are a human being capable of having human feelings for another human, and therefore not feel the need to worry about your sex life! Sure, it might seem like a lot of work for a few months without people bugging you about your significant other, but you can’t put a price on peace of mind.
If you don’t start following us...
YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY. @BLACK_SHEEP_WMU
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are you smarter than? daren, a psych major?
1) Math: What is six squared minus nine squared? __________________________________________________ 2) War: The 1940 Battle of Britain was fought between the United Kingdom and this country? __________________________________________________ 3) Chemistry: What is the second element listed on the periodic table? __________________________________________________ 4) TV: Who co-created Seinfeld with comedian Jerry Seinfeld? __________________________________________________ 5) Geography: What is the highest peak in North America? __________________________________________________
__________________________________________________ 7) Religion: Purportedly, what did Mormon founder Joseph Smith translate the Book of Mormon from? __________________________________________________ 8) Fashion: What renown designer had a fashion line at Target from 2002-2008? __________________________________________________ 9) Quotations: Who famously said, "England expects that every man will do his duty."? __________________________________________________ 10) Music: What is the title of the Justin Timberlake single released on January 14th, 2013? __________________________________________________
1) -45 2) Germany 3) Helium 4) Larry David 5) Denali/Mt. McKinley 6) "Al Dente" 7) Golden Plates 8) Isaac Mizrahi 9) Admiral Horatio Nelson 10) "Suit & Tie"
correct answers
6) Cooking: "To the tooth" is the English translation of what cooking phrase?
daren'’s answers 1. I hate math. I wanna say... 45. 2. Germany? 3. That one I had to memorize. Helium. 4. Larry David. 5. Mt Everest. 6. Aw, man. You got me.
7. I don't know... He wrote it on golden plates... 8. Can I call a friend? Nah... Ralph Lauren. 9. I'm gonna go with Henry. 10. I dunno, "Love Again"?
daren's score: 4/10 correct
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Tits and beer! Can you think of a better combination? This game will now give you an excuse to check out some boobs without having to worry about looking like a creep, all while getting drunk. Sounds like a win-win to us.
You might hear a lot of talk about chips being drunk food, but that does not have to be the case. With a little ingenuity and elbow-grease, chips can be utilized to create a cheap and delicious main course for any drunken occasion.
tits
What You’ll Need: 13 cups, beer pong table, 2 ping pong balls Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: Depends on the size of your tits, and how well you can use them. How to Play: - Divide the players up into two teams of two players. - Each team sets up on either with players on opposite corners of the table. For example, Team A would have one player on the right near corner of the table, and one player on the far left corner of the table. - In front of each player is a three-cup pyramid. Place a cup filled with beer in the center of the table. - In order to sink a cup, a team member must bounce the ball once on the table, bounce off the tits or chest of the other teammate, and fall in one of the three cups. - When this happens the opponent on the same side must drink the sunk cup and “flip cup” it before s/he may shoot again. - When a team no longer has any of their opponents’ cups in front of them, they may shoot for the middle cup. - A team can only win when they double bounce the ping pong ball into the middle cup. - The losing team then has to drink the final cup. Next time you’re with some girls or guys and you want an excuse to check out or be checked out, this game is a winner! Just make sure to compliment the girl on her skills; girls love the compliment.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Chip Explosion
What You’ll Need: Chips of many kind, cheese, sour cream, beef, and anything else you would like to add. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you include Cool Ranch Doritos or not. Directions: - Begin by cooking up some beef on the stove. You can use any meat you want, but we’ll go with beef. “B” is for beginners. - While the beef is cooking, take all of your different kinds of chips and place them into a bowl. - Sprinkle cheese onto the chips and place it in the microwave for 2 minutes. - After ensuring that the cheese is melted, pour the beef into the bowl and add sour cream. - Add any other food you want into your very own chip casserole. The secret to making this dish extra good is to buy as many different kinds of chips as possible. With Martin Luther King, Jr. Day just behind us, remember that diversity is the key!
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
passing the bar If you're too cool for Keystone or stopped bonging Busch Lights months ago, well la-di-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank beer labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.
we interview:
bear in heaven
Brooklyn-based band Bear in Heaven has a sound that you can't quite put your finger on. A bit of rock and a bit of electronic noise with a psychedelic undertone gives these guys a totally unique sound. Their music might not be so easily definable, but when we got to chat with head honcho Jon Philpot, it was clear that cool dudes make cool music. We go to chat with Philpot about a whole range of things, from the meaning of the band name to ridin' jet skis. You know it's a good chat when jet skiing comes up. The Black Sheep: How'd you get started playing music? Jon Philpot: I went to college and bought a guitar and basically it just went from there, I just kept playing music. I didn't know what I was doing, and then I started making noise music and trance, and then went into more normal music. I played piano when I was a little kid but I hated it. I hate piano lessons, like having to learn something. Kids were outside playing and you were inside trying to play this stupid song that you didn't like. TBS: You never get to play cool songs during piano lessons. JP: Yeah! I wanted to learn, like, Prince songs, or something like that. TBS: Where'd you grow up? JP: I grew up in Marietta, Georgia. It was good, it was peaceful. There were trees and creeks and dirt bike jumps and that kind of shit. But living there, you hit a wall, and you want to be a punk-rock kid and you just look like an idiot because you're out in the sticks. TBS: Did growing up Georgia have any influence on the music you play now? JP: Oh, definitely. There was a lot of strange, one-thing-leads-to-another kind of situations. I had an internship with this record label called Table of Elements, this minimal, experimental label. They specialized in early minimalism, just some freaking-ass art. For some unknown reason to me, they moved their offices to Georgia. I thought it'd be a good idea to intern at this record label, and I learned a great deal about not just art music, but art itself, from these folks, and that kind of set my sail in that direction. It was eye opening, and I think if I lived somewhere else where there was a multitude of options instead of just this one, weird group of people, then I would've done something else. TBS: Is there an explanation behind the name Bear in Heaven? JP: There's a constellation with a bear in it, and there's also the philosophy that everything that you do and everything you take here on Earth is what you'll bear in heaven. TBS: Could you compare Bear in Heaven to any other bands? JP: Comparing is a hard one. I'm not even going to toot my own horn, and to say that we're "unique" is out of naivety. We approach music in sort of a non-standard way. Our music starts in many different ways, but the one thing we've always done is made sure that we're not doing anything that sounds like something that's happening, we try to stay away from that. We steer clear of the pop music form, but we're sort of opening our doors up to all different forms. TBS: Is there a story behind your latest album title, I Love You, It's Cool? It seems kind of sad, or something. JP: It's a little loaded, that one. It embodies a lot of emotions that were happening with us at that time. It was oddly given to us by one of our ex-bandmates, he wrote these notes and he wrote one to me, and hid it underneath some of my gear. It said "Dear Jon, I love you, it's cool." The reality of it that there's this kind of double meaning, you can sense the lament but also the actual positivity that I think all of us were feeling at that time. It's nice, it's a nice sentiment. TBS: If you weren't making music for a living, what do you think you'd be doing? JP: Editing television and film, that's what I do now when I'm not making music, so I'd just be doing a lot more of that. If I wasn't doing that, I'd probably be chillin', maybe boating? Maybe some jet skis? I'd be doing that. TBS: Would you rather: Michelle Obama or Sarah Palin? TBS: Michelle Obama. Well, depends what the spin on it is. If it was go hunting, I'd say Sarah Palin. If it was to have a party, I'd invite Michelle Obama. TBS: Who would you rather go jet skiing with? JP: Can I pick both of them? Sandwiched in-between them? That'd be amazing. TBS: What's your spirit animal? JP: I'd say a dog. An American mutt, you know? A cross between a beagle and a golden retriever, like a fast frisbee dog. TBS: What your drink of choice? JP: Mescal.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
winter x games January 24th - 27th on ESPN
The winter X Games are upon us once again, starting Thursday afternoon and lasting through Sunday night. Indulge in insane winter sports like men's and women's superpipe or big air. If you have the luxury of a 3D TV, prepare to have your mind blown watching athletes flip around in your face.
movie 43 out January 25th
A series of 12 short films follow three kids as they scour the wild wild west that is the internet to find the most banned, offensive movie in the world. This film stars one of the biggest ensemble casts ever, from Kate Winslet to Richard Gere and every level of celebrity in between. Let's hope the plot doesn't rely too heavily on that.
local natives - hummingbird out January 27th
It's about damn time the geniuses in Local Natives released another studio album, their second, Hummingbird. After coming off an impressive debut album from early 2010, these guys don't seem to stray much from their heartfelt sound of folk-rock in their latest album. Check out their singles "Heavy Feet" and "Breakers."
can you
spot the difference?
Well, geesh, can you? Send us the seven differences you found to differences@ theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll get a prize.
the crossword: Games Across 3) Can you really kill someone with a candlestick? 4) You get five of a kind and you yell this. 7) Normally played on a board that comes in a
faux-suitcase. 8) A jumbo-sized one can be found in bars. 11) A letter gets picked, then you go to town. 13) Learn how to be a greedy businessman. 14) A card game sometimes known as the legal drinking age. 17) Do they wear glasses? 18) If you’re good at lying, you’re great at this. 19) Classic computer card game, played solo. 20) If you suck at drawing you probably hate this game. Down 1) You’re a dick if you play a 3-letter word.
2) Try to get three of a kind, or three in a row. 5) “Hey, what’s trump again?” 6) It’s a game where you describe things without saying what it is! Everyone gets super loud! 9) Way more exciting than real fishing. 10) A type of poker game from this state, y’all. 12) Uses a particular set of cards, all colorful and stuff. 14) Also a terrible movie featuring Rihanna. 15) King me! 16) The ultimate strategy game (for nerds). 18) Every grandma plays this card game.
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