The Black Sheep
Fr ee ... l a ike we dr t t ink -sh s irt aft co er nt yo es u w t! in
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 4 • 2/21/13 - 3/6/13
theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu
cancun bar remembers
kalamazoo hero Phil McCracken wrote this
As WMU warms up for another spring break, many Broncos are taking a moment to reflect on past vacations. For the some dozen students who travelled to Cancun, Mexico last year, one brave, heroic act stands above all the drunken shenanigans that flavor so many spring breaks. “Liz Warner showed us her boobs,” recalls senior Rich Wang. “It was incredible.” Several eyewitnesses, including Warner’s BFF, eagerly confirmed for The Black Sheep that, while waiting for her glass to be filled at Cancun club, Senor Frogs, then-super senior Elizabeth Warner turned around to the patrons behind her and heroically lifted her shirt to expose her breasts. “I’ve never seen such courage,” Warner’s friend, senior Kevin Duncan recounted. “I’ll never forget it. ‘Tick Tock’ by Ke$ha was playing, and it was at that part, the one where she’s like, ‘The party don’t start till I walk in,’ and Lizzy just turned around at that exact moment and flashed us.” “It was like magic,” Duncan added. Warner, who was pursuing a degree in primary education during spring break 2012, (she has since graduated), had reportedly stashed her bikini top in her Best Friend Forever’s saddlebag in anticipation of a later wet t-shirt Contest. BFF Sarah Morris remembers the event well. “Lizzy has always had the biggest heart,” Morris said. “We were standing at the bar to get her drink -- I was the designated sober in our group that night -- and we were dancing and laughing, and then Liz turned to me and said, ‘I think we cut in front of the guys behind us!’ I told her I wasn’t sure and kept dancing, but Liz turned around with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen and lifted
her shirt to expose her bare breasts. She shouted, ‘Woo! I love you guys!’ and turned back around.” Added Morris, “I miss that bitch.” The Black Sheep tracked down the group of spring breakers Warner and Morris allegedly cut in front of at the bar -- a group of juniors from Virginia Tech. Did now-seniors Jerome Page, Leon Williams, Charles White and Sybil Martinez recall the event? “This little blonde chick flashed the whole bar!” Page said. “It was the most memorable experience of my college life!”
stand why someone would expose their breasts to strangers. “Voolay voo be en parlay ploo luntumun, seal voo play.”
ers.
“Did she cut in front of us?” Williams said. “What? Wait, did she? Hell, man, I don’t remember.”
As the first anniversary of Elizabeth Warner’s selfless, courageous, noble, valiant night of valor approaches, TBS caught up with the heroine herself. As of press time, Warner was heroically working as an assistant in a preschool in Grand Rapids and hadn’t had more than four hours of sleep a night in the past month.
“Who?” Warner asked.
“She was the nicest person I’ve ever met,” White remarked. “It was the craziest thing,” Martinez said. “I remember being really pissed about something, but suddenly there were boobs and I just got really happy suddenly. I think that girl rescued my whole night. I… I never got to thank her.” And yet, there are some who recall Warner’s selfless act of bravery in a different light. “Ugh, what a slut,” said CMU junior Kelly Vargas, even though she has no idea what she’s talking about. “Who seriously flashes an entire bar? What a drunk whore.” As of press time, Vargas was sleeping with her boyfriend’s brother. “Day solay,” said Montreal University senior Monique Paschal who was at Senor Frogs during Warner’s heroic display. “Juh nuh comprend pa.” Paschal shook her head as if she didn’t under-
What Your Spring Break Playlist Say About You
“Excuse me, sir, you have to check in at the office,” she told TBS, valiantly. When we clarified that we were here to interview her about spring break 2012, her courage nearly faltered. “Janelle? Have they… Have they found her? Is she okay?” TBS clarified further and Warner became annoyed. “Who are you? Get out.” When Warner finally relented to an interview while the preschoolers napped, she remained humble and oblivious to the effect her act or courage last year had on her fellow spring break-
what'’s inside
Pinterest: You Are a Douchebag
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Putting women back in the kitchen since 2010!
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“Sybil Martinez says ‘thank you,’” we said.
We asked Elizabeth Warner to recount the event in her own words. “I don’t know, dude. I was so drunk. I remember dancing with Sarah [Morris] at Senor Frogs and I just flashed the bar. I spent the next two hours throwing up and crying for my mom in the bathroom with Janelle. That was… that was the last time I saw her.” We changed the subject so Warner wouldn’t talk about her (probably dead) friend again. “Do you think you’ll go on spring break again this year?” At that moment, a young boy came up to us, put his finger in his nose and wiped it on Warner’s arm before going back to his nap mat. Warner sighed unhappily. “No. I’m a grown-up now. I’m a… a…” As of press time, Elizabeth Warner was sobbing inconsolably in her classroom’s closet.
Spring Break Homebody
It has never been more important to be drunk in your life.
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Meet The Staff
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink... responsibly and legally.
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word of the week Egocentrick:
A delusional personality trait in which a loathed person perceives themselves as popular. “When Kaylee invited herself to Jason’s party after he called her a bloated sea whore, we knew she was egocentrick.”
The
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Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Places to go for Spring Break
10.) Disney World!: Sick of paying too much for food, a bed and valuable experiences you won’t even remember in a month, all while being an uncomfortable temperature and forced to wear pants? For a change of pace, try doing it at Disney World with a sunburn. 9.) Vegas!: The City of Sin is the perfect place to visit for spring break. It has everything: booze, strippers, hookers, sluts, man strippers, man hookers, man sluts and tigers. It’s every wet dream you’ve ever had rolled up into one town you’ll never remember. 8.) Middle Earth!: You want to do something that matters this spring break? Try following a mischievous old wizard and his posse of 12 short, bearded dudes on ponies. We can think of nothing bad that can come of this. Only excellence. 7.) Your parents’ house!: There is nothing cooler than free laundry, home cooked meals, playing with your childhood dogs, sleeping in a racecar bed and playing video games until it’s time to go back to school. 6.) Alaska!: Beaches are a little bit too “corporate America” for you and your friends. So go to Alaska to, like, see polar bears before they’re wiped out by global warming. It’s, like, so great that you’re making a statement about the wasteful nature of capitalism and how it’s like, killing our, like, earth, like.
The Black Sheep Fashion Corner: Spring Break Hannah Weyer wrote this Spring break is the sort of event that seems like what you wear shouldn’t matter nearly as much as what you don’t wear. But just because your clothes will be spending most of your trip on the floor of a stranger’s hotel room doesn’t mean that you can’t give a damn! Here are some spring break fashion tips from your friendly neighborhood sheeple! Wear as little as possible: Anyone can wear that cute one piece you saw in Walmart. Most people can pull off the floral tankini you saw at Target. Some people can pull off a cute Meijer bikini. That means the beach will be filled with those clothes items. How do you stand out? By skipping the expensive swimwear and wearing the legal minimum. Nothing says “Here I am, MTV!” like a yarn string thong and masking tape over the nipples. Don’t layer: It’s been almost twenty years since city kids started wearing pants below their asses to show off their underwear, and if the macdaddy triple-layer underwear/plaid skinny jeans under the ass combo TBS saw today is any indication, this trend is not slowing down soon. Take a break from wearing shit your kids are going to laugh at you for in 20 years and wear regular human pants (or nothing; see above). Get in shape: Bathing suit season has come so quickly, it feels like we haven’t had any time to prepare our fat, fleshy bodies for beach judgment. If you find yourself a couple inches too thick in places it’s rude to ask about, there are a few options. You can crash diet (this comes with the added bonus of wicked hallucinations), crash work out (because being un-hospitalized is overrated) or invent a time machine to take you back to Christmas to take that third helping of green bean casserole and throw it on the ground. Screw green beans, anyway.
Speedos are not sexy: There are very few men in this world that can pull off a Speedo, and unless your last name is Tatum, you are not one of them. Dress for the body you have -- not the body you want: Muffin tops are not okay for a regular outfit. What on earth made you think it would be okay on the beach?
5.) Cancun!: If you like Mexico but hate shitting blood for a month, head to lovely Cancun. Cancun (Spanish for “Shots! Shots! Shots!”) is the only place in Central America your mother won’t have a heart attack if you go. That’s because she has no idea what sort of depravity you have planned. 4.) Texas!: A lot of us have pent-up aggression from mid-terms that we fantasize working out on the corpses of our childhood bullies. And a lot of us also really like bacon. Slake that perfectly natural bloodlust in a state where wild hogs have become such a problem, you don’t even need a license to stalk, hunt, kill and devour the flesh of them. 3.) Up North!: The northern part of the state is in the perfect time of year when it’s warm enough to go canoeing and drinking with your friends during the day, yet cool enough to set a campfire and drink with your friends at night. Be sure to watch Blair Witch Project before you leave. 2.) Paris!: “Man,” you’re thinking. “School is great, but it’s leaving too much money in my pocket! If only there was a way I could spend a week in a city that smells like trash filled with snobby people that hate my guts because my French sounds like an American speaking French! And if only I could deplete all of my savings while there and come back just as broke as everyone who hates me for thinking this!”
Bra + water = misery: Unless your bra is specifically a water bra, it’s best to forgo the whole thing if you’re going to be spending time on a beach. You spent too much damn money on that thing to risk ruining it. Bikini tops are much more durable and cheap. And if you’re planning on putting your puppies on show, underwire is frustrating cumbersome. Makeup: It’s not a fine line between beauty and beast. It’s a half inch thick, sparkly, florescent orange-tinted, lipstick-slathered, perfume scented line that stops at your neck. Play it safe: Spring break can be really dangerous for young women and young men with girly figures. And since America hasn’t yet created the “Punch them in the dick” punishment for people who say “With that skirt, she was asking for it,” it’s important to protect yourself. Get a fun, sparkly pink case for your pepper spray and a leopard print rape whistle. Make sure you wear clothes that say “Yes means no, but no means NO.” Like breakaway pants. Most importantly, it doesn’t actually matter what you wear for spring break as long as you get to ride a pony drunk. Have fun, be safe, and send your pics to The Black Sheep when you get back!
1.) The doctor!: Your mother has been hounding you to get that whooping cough checked out for the past two months, but you always put it off because between school and maintaining your unhealthy lifestyle, you just can’t find the time. Well, now you’ve got a week, buster. Do the “responsible adult” thing and keep yourself alive. While there, you can also ask about those genital warts and the lump in your armpit. And your sore tooth. And your tire pressure. Wait, can you do your laundry at the doctor’s too?
@Black_Sheep_wmu wrote this
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What your Spring Break Playlist Says About You hannah weyer wrote this The second classes let out on Friday, March 1st, thousands of Western Michigan University students will get in cars, planes and hovercraft with their friends, acquaintances and secret enemies to get to their spring break destinations. Many of them have been compiling the perfect playlists for months, because movies and Doctor Who have taught us that while spring break should be fun, silence most definitely is not. So what does your spring break Playlist say about you and your friends?
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's the craziest thing you've witnessed on Spring Break?” “A guy and his roommate started pooping in bowls and setting them in front of doors, leaving notes attached to the poop bowls that said, ‘Hope your spring break doesn’t stink.’” - Meredith B.
The Memory Maker The Songs: “Raise Your Glass”- Pink; “Firework”- Katy Perry; “We Are Young”- 3OH!3 Let’s face it - you’re only young once. Someday soon, you’ll wake up with screaming children and a mortgage hanging over your head. But until then, you’re going to seize the day with retroactive nostalgia, calling your best girlfriends to dance and almost instantly missing the days when you called your girlfriends to dance. You’re a famously weepy drunk. Not a Saturday night goes by when you don’t look at your friends and sob, “I just love you guys so much!” The Internetter The Songs: “I Can’t Decide”- The Scissor Sisters; “The Ultimate Showdown”- Lemon Demon; Any K-Pop that isn’t Gangnam Style. What are you doing outside? The sun is going to burn your fragile, anime loving skin! You probably communicate in memes and Adventure Time quotes, unintelligible to everyone but your other “fun guy” friends (you probably just named yourselves the Mushroom Club on reading that sentence because you’re the only ones in the world who appreciate a pun and a double entendre in the same phrase. Life will not be good to you). The Slut The Songs: “S&M”- Rihanna; “I Wanna Go”- Britney Spears; Anything by Ke$ha
time; you’re ruining spring break for everyone! The Hipster The Songs: Your tastes are far too eclectic and obscure to summarize in a trite three item list. Fuck you. The Dementor The Songs: “Unce Unce SKREEEE kcth pththth”- Skrillex; “Pchchch SKRUUUUULL KSH”- Skrillex; “AUGH! AUGH! AUGH! AUGH!” –Skrillex
Nothing says, “daddy issues” like a playlist filled with Ke$ha. Instead of hanging out with friends, you’d rather troll the streets of a new city for some strange, and ain’t nothing wrong with that if syphilis is your idea of a successful vacation. TBS recommends condoms - many, varied and colorful to keep your attention. And remember - if you’re gonna bang a hooker, double wrap that shit.
You are a Dementor because you eat happiness. You hate the sight of people enjoying themselves almost as much as you hate being able to hear your own demon-voiced thoughts, so you take matters into your own hands by forcing dubstep, death metal and soundtracks of their parents humping onto your happy fellow human beings. You were probably only recently released from your holding cell on the technicality that you’re an adult now.
The Broken Heart The Songs: “Rolling in the Deep”- Adele; “Somebody I Used to Know”- Gotye; That new Taylor Swift one
The Fun One The Songs: “Gangnam Style”- Psy; “Sexy and I Know It”LMFAO; “Shoes”- Kelly
As if guilting your friends into staying in with you on Valentine’s Day to watch Pretty Woman wasn’t bad enough, now you’re going to ruin spring break for your friends by dragging your emotional bullshit into the sunniest, happiest, hookeriest places on earth? Yes, she stepped on your heart with stiletto shoes. Sure, he promised you’d be together forever. Heal on your own
You’re the funniest guy no one remembers inviting. When a joke works, you milk it for every last laugh it has, because your momma told you not to waste. People who are attracted to you call you hilarious, friendly and a good dancer. People who are not attracted to you wish you’d stop standing over your unconscious friend and thrusting your hips like that.
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Sleep Deprivation
theblacksheeponline.com
Erica Landry wrote this
How many students would clamor to be the first in line to receive a vaccination that would protect them from having to sleep? With all the advances in technology and research conducted by drug companies, it amazes us that there isn’t some sort of shot or pill to replace your seven hours a night. They can give you a shot so you do not get pregnant for three months, so why couldn’t they stave off sleep as well? Where is our magical potion that gives us a couple more hours in the day to study, work and party and doesn’t taste like Red Bull? If you’re not constantly tired, you’re not doing college right. Side effects may include poor decision making, inability to concentrate, vision problems, diminished motor skills, mood swings, daymares and short term memory loss. Other signs that you are sleep deprived may include: - Forgetting how to do simple tasks, such as brushing your teeth or shaving. You’ll know this is you if you just realized that you only shaved one leg in the shower this morning or that people you are speaking to keep covering their noses. - Forgetting where you placed items around your house and then tripping over them. - Children’s programs suddenly grab your attention and become increasingly interesting (Oh, the colors… and why is that music so catchy?). - Simple skills become major tasks, such as typing, speling, and forming complete - Dozing off mid-ZzzzZzzzZzzz. - Using unconventional methods to stay awake, such as watching horror movies, slapping oneself, or amphetamines. You’ll notice as you become more and more sleep deprived that your decisions become less stupid. You know you shouldn’t have another beer instead of a nap, dummy. And although the burn will keep you up for another week, getting in a tanning bed just for an excuse to catch twelve minutes of sleep is really bad for you. Slapping yourself in the face until you leave handprints doesn’t look good and may result in a lot of unwanted questions about how your significant other treats you. And switching to espresso just means fewer bathroom breaks and dehydration -- apparently, you need the water just as much as the caffeine.
Drinking coffee and smoking crack just don’t seem to work as well after a while. What unconventional methods do you use to stay awake when you find yourself sleep deprived? Sitting on a tack voluntarily and slapping your own face are old school, but only effective momentarily. New-age philosophies may suggest more invasive options such as nipple clamps or breaking a finger, but The Black Sheep does not advocate self-mutilation. Anything that causes effects that will last long into when you actually get the opportunity to sleep should be avoided. Call us naturalists, but diving head first into a snow bank is much more invigorating. Try “naked snow angels” if you need a jolt in a pinch -- just exercise caution because it can get you in trouble in some places, like the middle of campus or directly in front of the police station. The only sound answer to getting more sleep that seems to have minimal side effects is a time machine. We currently have an ad on Craigslist to find one if anyone has or knows someone with a used one, because the box in our office is dark and only moves forward in time at a normal speed.
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Pinterest: You Are a Douchebag Sara Czarnecki wrote this
Pinterest is a douchebag. It was designed to give stay-at-home moms and lonely sorority girls a look into what they could do, if only they owned a table saw, hot glue gun, and a drill. It gives uncreative people hope that they can be creative enough to impress their friends. Creativity can’t be pinned, Pinterest. It’s natural. This is total crap. Not only is Pinterest full of stupidly awesome ideas and glorious wedding photos, but it’s a straight tease. The chances that your project will look and go smoothly are slim. And Pinterest knew this. All along. How many women know how to work a table saw? Better question, how many women have a table saw lying around? Yes, that homemade bookcase made out of old wine bottles that you and your girlfriends racked up over the course of a month would look fabulous in your apartment, but is it worth it? Is it worth the amount of time lost constructing this bookcase that realistically will stink up our apartment like old, cheap wine? It’s not. Pinterest is lying to you. Like a douchebag. After you commit to a Pinterest project, you better get physically, mentally, and emotionally ready for hell. Sitting on the floor for hours trying to glue sticks together in the shape of stars is going to do wonders for your lower back. Two hours into the gluing you’ll wish you would have opted to just buy the stupid things like a real American. For every one good stick star glued together, there will be four crappy ones. So… Congrats? Don’t get us started on the wedding section. These wedding photos are so extravagant it makes one really hopeful for your own special day. Well, we got some bad news: the pictures
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won’t look nearly as good at the Knights of Columbus as they did at that country side winery. They just won’t, sorry baby girls. That beautiful outdoor wedding where everyone has perfectly white smiles and the groom doesn’t look drunk isn’t real. The groom is going to be drunk, and if you’re lucky, so will you. Pinterest, shut up. You’ve stolen so many Sunday afternoons and left pinners with only a mess to clean up after lying to them that “It's this easy!” -- it’s not this easy. It’s never this easy. And it gets not this easy real damn quick -- one moment you’re confident and you’re ready to make this scarf your bitch, the next moment you’re weeping uncontrollably on your apartment floor as you wonder where your life is going. We don’t want to be lied to, is what it comes down to. Pinterest, be up front with us. We’ll forever respect you. We’re fine with reading something that says, “Dude, this is going to be tough and you might want to kill yourself, but if you complete this, you’ll be a craft god.” That’s honesty, and people damn well deserve that. We don’t like seeing a beautifully made cake and no directions, because in our minds, we’ll be overly confident about baking. It’s going to go horribly wrong in the end. Some people are more creative than others. So rather than giving hope to everyone who has never seen the inside of a Hobby Lobby, let some people be sucky at crafts. Not everyone needs to be awesome, nor does everyone need to own a personalized wreath made out of baseballs. And if you’re one of those people who sucks at crafts but really, really wants a scarf with the summer constellations on it, well, that’s what Etsy’s for.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY: After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
WED: Happy Hour 3-7pm, LIVE TRIVIA Starting at 8pm! $3 ALL Pints, $3 Jack and Captain, $3 Fire and Ice Shots
WEDNESDAY: $5 Pitchers of Beer $5 Mixed Drink Pitchers $1 Tacos
Friday and Saturday! Glow Bowl! $10 for 2 hours of Glow Bowl Flavor of the Week Pitcher Special 9p-2a
WED: College Night NO COVER WITH WMU ID .50 cent drafts - $1.50 wells DJ Kane on Main DJ MT in the PIT
THURS
LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS
Happy Hour 3-7pm, Progressive Bells and Wells, $4 Johnny Vegas Shots (8-1am)
$3 U-Call-Its ALL NIGHT
PBR Night! $6 Pitchers PBR and $3 Calls All Night Long
Late Night HH 9pm - 12am 1/2 off Apps and $3.00 Bud Light Pints $6.50 Medium Pizza
FRI
9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts $5 Double Premiums
$1 PBR and High Life Bottles, $4 Long Islands, $3.50 Blue Magic Shots (9-1am)
$1 Domestic Pints, $2 Wells, $3 Pizzas (4-7) $4 Vodka Red Bull, $5 pizza (7-close)
Glow Bowl! $10 for 2 hours of Glow Bowl Flavor of the Week Pitcher Special 9p-2a
Progressive Pints 3pm - 9pm $1.25 Domestic and $2.00 Leiny Pints 9pm - 12am $2.00 Domestic and $3.00 Leiny Pints DJ CREOLE playing in the PIT
SAT
After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
$2.50 U-CALL IT 3PM - 1AM
1/2 Off All Food and Drink (noon-midnight)
Glow Bowl! $10 for 2 hours of Glow Bowl Flavor of the Week Pitcher Special 9p-2a
$2.50 pints of Bud Light and Miller Lite until 7pm $3.00 U-Call-It 9pm - 12am $7.99 Large 1 item Pizza
SUN
Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells
$2.50 Domestic Draft Pints, $4 Bloody Marys
$3 Bloodys, $3 Mimosas, $2.50 Domestic Pints, Wings starting at $0.35
1/2 off Drinks 8pm - Close
$12 Domestic Buckets $3.99 Build your own 1/2 pound Burger Bloody Mary Bar w/ over 25 items to choose
MON
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Premium Pints $2 Wells, $4.00 Dbl Wells Service Industry 1/2 Price on Everything w/ Pay Stub!
$1 PBR ALL DAY Pints $2.50 Wells $3 Manger Choice Shots (9pm-1am)
Closed
Monday Rocks at Pinz $2 Rolling Rock Bottles & Pints $5 for 2 hours Bowling 6p-2a
$3.00 Domestic Mugs $4.00 Premium Mugs, $0.50 Hot Wings and Boneless Wings
TUES
$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 ANYTHING 9pm-1am
$1.00 Wells $6.99 nachos
College Night! $2 Games, Wells, and Domestic Bottle, $5 Pitchers DJ Stoz and Glow Bowl 9p-2a
SIN Night - 1/2 off $6.50 1 item Medium Pizza
WED
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Prem Pints $2.00 Well Drinks $4.00 Double Wells
Happy Hour 3-7pm, LIVE TRIVIA Starting at 8pm! $3 ALL Pints, $3 Jack and Captain, $3 Fire and Ice Shots
$5 Pitchers of Beer $5 Mixed Drink Pitchers $1 Tacos
Ladies Night! $1 Games, $2 Wine, $3 Cosmos for Ladies, $3 Micro Pints 6p-close For All
College Night NO COVER WITH WMU ID .50 cent drafts - $1.50 wells DJ Kane on Main DJ MT in the PIT
$2 Miller Lite Pints (midnight-close)
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bartender of the week Becky Old Burdick's Downtown Nickname: BBoss
and have a good time.
Favorite drink recipe: Tunnel Vision -- 1.25 oz hypnotic, 1.25 oz cherry vodka, pineapple juice and maraschino cherry - serve in 14-16 oz glass.
Favorite beer: Short's Soft Parade. It's a fruity ale with a higher percentage of alcohol. Makes you feel warm ‘n fuzzy.
Favorite shot recipe: Green Tea -- 1/2 shot Irish whiskey, 1/2 shot peach schnapps, splash of sour, and a splash of Sierra Mist. Chill, shake and serve. Favorite "I dare you" shot: Mind Eraser – 1.25 oz coffee liqueur, 1.25 oz vodka. Serve over ice in 10-12 oz glass and top with club soda. Suck it down with a couple of big straws. Funniest thing I've ever seen on the job: Waiting on famous people and just enjoying them act chill and relaxed, like the rest of us (and they tip great!). Also, it's fun to see people "hook up" when they've just met that night, and they don't think anyone's watching... we see more than you think! Favorite type of customer: Kind, patient and generous. Just people who are out to relax
the drinking game: award season
Congratulations – it’s award season once again! The red carpets, the celebrities, the performances… the list of nonsense winds on and on. One of the most anticipated award shows of the season is of course the Oscars; however, one cannot forget the other events that are to follow. Such shows include The Country Music Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the TV Land Awards, the Tonys, the Bronys, and our favorite, the AVNs. What You’ll Need: Hard booze, cheap beer, and a bloated ego. Number of Players: As many as can fit around your crappy living room. Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and pre-rehab Mickey Rourke How to Play: - Decide beforehand on the nominees whom you think will win or whom you want to win. - Take a drink anytime someone is asked who they are wearing. - Take a shot anytime a celebrity shows up without their partner. - Anytime someone you pick wins, choose one person to take a shot. - If your nominee loses, chug for five seconds. - Take a shot every time a winner thanks god. - Waterfall for the first 30 seconds of each tribute. - Take a shot anytime a winner is cut off by music. The Game Ends When: People have an existential meltdown as to the concept of award shows and worshipping celebrities… or people just stop paying attention because all the relevant awards have been handed out.
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Favorite night to work: Wednesday breaks up the week and people tend to stay out longer than normal. More guests, more dollar bills! Favorite quote: "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." I truly believe we're only given what we can handle. Also, I like one from the movie Steel Magnolias: "An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure." Silly quote, but oh so true! Favorite food: I love going out for authentic Mexican -- I love homemade guacamole. So yummy! Favorite event at Burdick's: It's really not an event, but I love when guests or even employees put money in the jukebox and play fun upbeat tunes... it makes for a fun, relaxed atmosphere.
recipe for disaster: Beercakes
As if pancakes weren’t already good enough, beer makes them even better. Pancakes and beer go together like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston; it just makes sense. Start your day off in the best way with some beercakes for that essential morning pregame. What You’ll Need: 1 can of your favorite beer, 1 teaspoon of salt, 2 cups of all-purpose flour, 2 beaten eggs, 1/2 cup of white sugar, 1/4 cup melted butter, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and cooking spray. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you’re using light beer or not. Let’s Get Baked: - In a large bowl stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. - Add the eggs, beer and melted butter to the mix. Stir until mixture is blended; a few lumps is fine. - Heat a skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Spoon the batter out over the skillet using either a 1/3 or 1/4 cup measuring cup. - When the beercakes start to bubble, flip them over until the other side is browned. - Pour your favorite syrup over the beercakes and eat ‘em while they're hot! They taste a lot better going down than they do coming up, so eat wisely.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
where your
mouth is Each week, under our Bartender of the Week feature, we publish a small article, “Recipe for Disaster.” In it, we outline a means of preparing drunk food that caters to your average student. Well, we decided just making up recipes was bullshit—real chefs taste their food! At least, that’s what Tom Colicchio tells us.
poptartilla Ingredients: Two tortillas, two blueberry Pop-Tarts, extra-crunchy peanut butter, strawberry jam Preparation Time: 6 minutes Flavor: 3.5 Texture: 4.9 Ease of Eating: 3 Ease of Preparation: 4 Ease of Clean-Up: 2.5
So here we have six recipes, both normal and bizarre, that have ran in that wacky feature. We had all of our full-time staffers try them, rating each six items in five categories scaled 1-5, 1 being the worst, 5 the best. Some were amazing, some ah-mah-zing, others, well, we’d tell you, but there’s still some puke left in the darkest recesses of our stomach.
Notes: -The Poptartilla turned out much better than any of the judges We found love. expected. Some questioned how the tortilla would mix with the processed Pop-Tart, others, whether the consistency would be too weird after a couple of bites. These fears were unfounded. The tortilla posed no threat, and the texture was spot on. - As the above pictures suggest, the Poptartilla is a visually stunning culinary masterpiece, sure to impress any wastoid foolish enough to accompany a The Black Sheep reader home to “watch Anchorman.” Beyond that, the tortilla offers easy eating opportunities. Not only does it look nice, it’s easy to shove down your throat, easier than his tobacco-stained tongue, at least. - However delicious the Poptartilla may be, it sure does poach one’s throat. A huge gravity bong rip always gives the late-night muncher a mean case of cottonmouth, and the peanut butter all but assures a choking hazard as it tries to slide down that dehydrated highway. - Sloppy drunks should be wary of preparing the Poptartilla. For maximum flavor, the tortilla should be warmed in a skillet, and the Pop-Tarts toasted in the...the toaster. Both of these present serious burning risks to those lacking full-body control.
ghetto fab chow mein Ingredients: Chicken-flavored ramen, two hot dogs, green onions, a red bell pepper, lettuce, tomato • Preparation Time: 13 minutes • Flavor: 2.1 • Texture: 2.25 • Ease of Eating: 4.5 • Ease of Preparation: 1 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Do you like ramen? Of course you do, you’re a college student, and it’s the best meal twenty cents can buy. Well, how about you throw out the MSG flavor explosion, add some of your precious veggies, a hot dog and spend twice as long coo…HEY! GET BACK HERE AND FINISH READING THIS HUMOROUS QUIP! - But really, the Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is almost certainly more trouble than it’s worth. An amateur chef has a hard enough time boiling water, sautéing veggies, and cooking hot dogs at the same time. Force
them to do this intoxicated, and all of a sudden, spending the last six dollars on a Jimmy John’s sub is a much better proposition. - The best use of Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is for wooing that lusty little beast you randomly made out with on the walk home. Visually, the noodles mixed with juicy red meat and a variety of veggies promises the promiscuous person a meal of a lifetime. Since everything tastes better drunk, (s)he’ll be fooled by the visuals. Your resulting visuals won’t be so bad.
inferno walking taco Ingredients: One can of chili, three small bags of Fritos, sour cream, lettuce, tomato, green onions, and mozzarella cheese Preparation Time: 4 minutes Flavor: 4.1 Texture: 4 Ease of Eating: 3.6 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 5
Notes: - Eating doesn’t get much easier than opening a bag that has food in it, putting more food in said bag, then eating food out of the bag. Ever see a commercial that claims “X” can be done if the user “just adds water”? Well, the Inferno Walking Tacos are the “just add water” of delicious food, minus water, plus fat and meat. - Once everything’s in the bag, you’re set. Think about it; if a drunk suddenly needs to up and run from the fuzz, WTF, right? no need to put anything in a bag, it’s already in a bag! And a bag in a bag?! College kids can’t afford that many bags. Need to throw it away? Just put the bag in a garbage bag. “But I thought you said I shouldn’t be putting bags in bags?” you say? Exception proves the rule, son. - The only real knock to the Inferno Walking Tacos is, the eater has to get down there and really find those Fritos. While the other ingredients taste good, the texture, sans-chip, is unpleasant. - If there was a diarrhea factor, this would get a 5.
Fluffernutter Cookies Ingredients: One cup extra-crunchy peanut butter, one cup marshmallow fluff, one egg • Preparation Time: 28 minutes • Flavor: 4.4 • Texture: 2.7 • Ease of Eating: 2.1 • Ease of Preparation: 2.5 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Our Recipe for Disaster called for baking these cookies for fifteen minutes. For this to work, the cookies need to be portioned out to Oreo-sized cookies, or they will not bake all the way through in this period of time. -If you’re stupid enough to make four large cookies (see left), be prepared to have a… wait for it…sticky situation on your hands! Marshmallow fluff is sticky, so is peanut but-
ter. So is undercooked sugar. - We’re still not quite sure why egg is to be used in this. Does one really need a binding agent if there’s no flour and two sticky ingredients involved? (Note: The answer is no.) -The above failures aside, the cookie actually tasted pretty good, as peanut buttery and marshmallowy things are wont to do. One taster noted chocolate chips would be a wonderful addition. Sure. Why not?
bbq nachos Ingredients: Tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, green onions, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce Preparation Time: 3 minutes Flavor: 2.4 Texture: 2.6 Ease of Eating: 3.9 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 3.5
Notes: -The biggest compliment one can pay to BBQ Nachos is that they’re easy to make. Chips— hobos can afford chips—plus a few condiments, and one has a snack that is, well, not good, but edible. - Drunken peoples should avoid using dangerous appliances; this is fact. Sure, this rules out obvious enemies like the food processor and the Rotato, but there’s the always-dangerous oven. What if one falls asleep using it, causing a fire? Or burns their hand badly, meaning no masturbation for weeks? Well, the microwave is safe, but not for the food. We popped our BBQ Nachos in there for two minutes—about a minute and a half too long. The chips were hard and the cheese way overdone.
the lent buster Ingredients: Two blueberry Pop-Tarts, one pint chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, one Snickers bar, a handful of hot dog-flavored potato chips, a handful of original potato chips, chocolate syrup, two shortbread cookies, one cupcake, a handful of Cheerios, one can of Coke Zero, a handful of pretzels, ice, a splash of vodka. • Preparation Time: 7 minutes • Flavor: 1 • Texture: 0.5 • Ease of Eating: 3.3 • Ease of Preparation: 4 • Ease of Clean-Up: 2 Notes: - All those ingredients went in a blender for about ten seconds. The end result was a cold slurry of salty-sweet slop that looked and smelled like throw-up. - There’s an old saying about camels: A camel is a horse designed by engineers; the idea being, a camel is a bunch of good ideas poorly applied. If this analogy holds true, the Lent Buster is liquid diabetes created by malevolent assholes with early-onset Type 2
diabetes. Does a small item of food have more than 100% the daily suggested sodium or sugar intake? Throw that shit in there, son. - Though it was mostly a thick, grainy paste — ostensibly easy to consume — the Lent Buster scores low marks for being so visually and olfactorily disgusting. It was like drinking an ugly hobo milkshake. - When drinking the Lent Buster, one could chew on wet potato chip. It was not pleasant.
Hard cheese, not pleased.
- We re-cooked a smaller batch for 45 seconds, and this batch of BBQ nachos were good, which is the apex of this snack’s potential. Do you like salty things? Sweet things? Cheesy things? Congratulations, so does everyone else! The line ends around the forever.
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theblacksheeponline.com
Spring Break Homebody Sara Czarnecki wrote this
We all can’t be lucky enough to drink tequila like it’s water on the beach next to some guy wearing an airbrushed t-shirt. Some of us have to be boring and hold down the fort here in good ole Kalamazoo, but how does one have a fun-filled spring break when trapped in the same city they reside in day in and day out? Easy. Make your own fun; the city is yours. Use it, abuse it, and dominate it. First things first, to have a successful spring break you have to consume one or more alcoholic drinks each day. But because you’re the only one who couldn’t afford to go to Mexico, you’ll need to find a new partner in crime. Usually it is very awkward going to a bar by yourself, but shoot, no one is here to judge you (because no one is here). Go to a hole in the wall bar and talk up some randoms. They won’t care, and there’s nothing more adventurous (or ridiculous) than talking off some ex-truck driver’s ear at 4:30 p.m. over some Bud heavies. If you’re really lucky, or your new friend is super lonely, you’ll be drinking for free. Everyone likes free drinks, especially from an old man who has a naked lady tattooed on his forearm. Now that you’re up a new friend, bring on the wild bar stories, right? There’re only two things that could possibly go wrong: you and he fall madly in love and drive away into the sunset in his Mack truck, or you grab control of your life and text that one guy from class in whom you have no interest whatsoever. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Judgments will be passed later, but for now, you have someone who is less likely to sexual harass you anymore in a dive bar.
Alright, it’s about that time where the boredom sets in. Mmyeah, but aren’t these the same bars that you and your friends trolled around just last week? Get that negativity out of here! Stop being lame! A perfect thing to do in this situation is invent games. You can’t be the only one trapped in this town, can you? Call up some long-lost friends who aren’t normally on your call list and drag them out. Spring break in a ghost town is the perfect time to play bar scavenger hunt. Bar scavenger hunt? "Why, what is that?", you’re asking the paper like a psychopath. Bar scavenger hunt is the perfect game to play with random friends. Start with a list of crazy shit that either has been seen before or only dreamt about (a jean jacket and a mullet type of dream). Give the list to people who are down for a good old fashion adventure and let the drinking begin. Have some people start at a different bar and set a time where if you haven’t blacked out yet, you’ll all reconvene to see what people found. One thing to put on your list might be a nudey mermaid tattoo on an old trucker, and in that case you, my friend, are king. In the end, just find reasons to drink. A few years back, there was a pro-choice rally where after women’s rights were demonstrated, the pitchers of beer kept coming. It’s the little things like a bar scavenger hunt, making new townie friends, and hanging out with strangers that’ll keep you sane while all your friends are getting plowed by some pseudo Ronnie from Jersey Shore.
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