The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 1 • 1/10/13 - 1/23/13
theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu
much to do about flunking Hannah Weyer wrote this
A super semester starts with a sound structure for your schoolwork. Unfortunately, most of us have spent the last month sinking in apathy, booze, and cookies: the ABC’s of the scholastically screwed. In order to save your studies, we have to do some small resetting of our standards to skip the stock semester stresses. Professors: Contrary to what they will repeat throughout the semester, your professors, not your alcoholic peers, are the only thing standing between you and a 4.0 GPA. They are the ones who grade you, after all. You can win them over with the cunning use of bribery. Do you know who fails Spanish 1010? Definitely not the girl who gave her professor a shiny red manzana, that’s for damn sure. Books: An economics major would be able to tell you how and why textbook prices are so obscenely high, but to the layman it has less to do with supply/demand and more to do with how textbook manufacturers have students’ balls in an unyielding death grip and they can do whatever they goddamn please. That’s why only chumps buy their textbooks in the school bookstore. The seemingly reasonable solution is to buy used textbooks online, but if you haven’t already, the semester will be well over by the time you get them. Instead, figure out what you have to offer (Pokémon cards, a fake ID, boobs) and suggest to a classmate you become best study buddies 4evah! Roommate: Nothing is worse to come home to after a long day of studying and napping on Bernhard Center couches than a roommate you’re at war with. It’s impossible to hate someone, though, if you don’t care about them. Establish a relationship with your roommate based on cool yet firm detachment. The jug on the right is your milk and the jug on the left is his milk. No, you don’t want to go out drinking with her, even though you’re going to the same bar at the same time with the same people. And for the love of God, don’t touch her Cheez-Its. You are strangers that share a bathroom, not buddies. Job: Money doesn’t buy happiness? Maybe. But money buys, among other things: books, rum, strippers, gold fish, shoes, a skirt, pizza, fuzzy socks, posters, candy, teddy bears, My Little Pony dolls, movies and cable, which together are indistinguishable from happiness. Selling your organs will only get you so far because you have a finite number of
A hard bit to swallow
Shockingly, not another story about our Laundromat shenanigans of choking on quarters.
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organs. After that, you need to get a job. “A job?” you say. “But that’s the opposite of happiness!” Not if that job can get you South Park: The Stick of Truth. Then it’s just a tedious mission you need to complete before ultimately defeating the hippie vampire coven before anyone else come March. Ask your friends if their employers are hiring, or blackmail your favorite coffee shop owner into hiring you, and you’ll be set for the semester. Recreation: You’re not going to have much time between classes and your job, so you have to skip a couple lectures and call in sick a few times to make room for all the recreation that makes college so worth it. Sure, you could spend your
what'’s inside
down time volunteering at the Animal Rescue Project on Burdick, or writing for The Black Sheep. But are you going to? Or are you going to work out a complex schedule of parties and bar nights with a system of DD selection indecipherable to anyone outside your group of friends? Or will you start a steampunk-inspired RPG group? Or will you sit, pantsless, in your room, mindlessly swallowing handfuls of Chex Mix while you surf Tumblr for filthy anime fan art? Your college recreation is limited only by your time and your imagination. Please, purveyor of penile humor, plan the passing days post-haste! A tight itinerary is the only item that insures an even mix of insolence and intelligence.
Top 10 things to do before 2013 is over
The college boy's guide to hooking up
It's time to stop daydreaming and start getting kicked out of bars.
Go git 'em, tiger.
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