The Black Sheep
fr ee .. sm . lik el e t l o he f s sw ec e on et, d- smo ha nd oth sm , sa ok ss e. y
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 1 • 1/10/13 - 1/23/13
theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu
much to do about flunking Hannah Weyer wrote this
A super semester starts with a sound structure for your schoolwork. Unfortunately, most of us have spent the last month sinking in apathy, booze, and cookies: the ABC’s of the scholastically screwed. In order to save your studies, we have to do some small resetting of our standards to skip the stock semester stresses. Professors: Contrary to what they will repeat throughout the semester, your professors, not your alcoholic peers, are the only thing standing between you and a 4.0 GPA. They are the ones who grade you, after all. You can win them over with the cunning use of bribery. Do you know who fails Spanish 1010? Definitely not the girl who gave her professor a shiny red manzana, that’s for damn sure. Books: An economics major would be able to tell you how and why textbook prices are so obscenely high, but to the layman it has less to do with supply/demand and more to do with how textbook manufacturers have students’ balls in an unyielding death grip and they can do whatever they goddamn please. That’s why only chumps buy their textbooks in the school bookstore. The seemingly reasonable solution is to buy used textbooks online, but if you haven’t already, the semester will be well over by the time you get them. Instead, figure out what you have to offer (Pokémon cards, a fake ID, boobs) and suggest to a classmate you become best study buddies 4evah! Roommate: Nothing is worse to come home to after a long day of studying and napping on Bernhard Center couches than a roommate you’re at war with. It’s impossible to hate someone, though, if you don’t care about them. Establish a relationship with your roommate based on cool yet firm detachment. The jug on the right is your milk and the jug on the left is his milk. No, you don’t want to go out drinking with her, even though you’re going to the same bar at the same time with the same people. And for the love of God, don’t touch her Cheez-Its. You are strangers that share a bathroom, not buddies. Job: Money doesn’t buy happiness? Maybe. But money buys, among other things: books, rum, strippers, gold fish, shoes, a skirt, pizza, fuzzy socks, posters, candy, teddy bears, My Little Pony dolls, movies and cable, which together are indistinguishable from happiness. Selling your organs will only get you so far because you have a finite number of
A hard bit to swallow
Shockingly, not another story about our Laundromat shenanigans of choking on quarters.
page 4
organs. After that, you need to get a job. “A job?” you say. “But that’s the opposite of happiness!” Not if that job can get you South Park: The Stick of Truth. Then it’s just a tedious mission you need to complete before ultimately defeating the hippie vampire coven before anyone else come March. Ask your friends if their employers are hiring, or blackmail your favorite coffee shop owner into hiring you, and you’ll be set for the semester. Recreation: You’re not going to have much time between classes and your job, so you have to skip a couple lectures and call in sick a few times to make room for all the recreation that makes college so worth it. Sure, you could spend your
what'’s inside
down time volunteering at the Animal Rescue Project on Burdick, or writing for The Black Sheep. But are you going to? Or are you going to work out a complex schedule of parties and bar nights with a system of DD selection indecipherable to anyone outside your group of friends? Or will you start a steampunk-inspired RPG group? Or will you sit, pantsless, in your room, mindlessly swallowing handfuls of Chex Mix while you surf Tumblr for filthy anime fan art? Your college recreation is limited only by your time and your imagination. Please, purveyor of penile humor, plan the passing days post-haste! A tight itinerary is the only item that insures an even mix of insolence and intelligence.
Top 10 things to do before 2013 is over
The college boy's guide to hooking up
It's time to stop daydreaming and start getting kicked out of bars.
Go git 'em, tiger.
page 6
page 10
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Sexy Anagrams
Who knew The Boss had a drunken superhero alter ego? (Want to become famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Tabby Ole Lit
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word of the week Jockulard:
A star high school athlete that has since gained a significant amount of weight. “Did you see Kevin over break? That jockulard used to stuff the ball down a guard’s throat; now he’s stuffing whole pizzas down his.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
Your new New Year’s Fashion Resolutions Erica Brazelton wrote this 10.) Stop Getting Obscure Tattoos with Specific Personal Meanings: If you have to keep telling people that the crying snake with the polka dots on your back represents the time you found out you had genital warts, maybe you should stick with the temporary tats. 9.) Dispose of Any Jeans That Create the Illusion of a Muffin Top: Every time we see a girl in this tragic situation, we don't feel sorry for her. We immediately side with the pants. Those poor seams must be holding on for dear life, and that waistband is no doubt struggling to breathe under the excessive layer of skin that hangeth over. How were they supposed to know that day they met you in the Gap you'd turn them into a breakfast pastry? 8.) Burn Any Trendy Hat Resembling an Animal: Continuing to wear this kind of shit will result in some overzealous member of PETA unexpectedly beating your ass, because they'll assume that furry thing on your head is something you must've killed for the sole purpose of looking like a douche. 7.) Take a Break from Your Ugg Boots: We’re not saying you have to quit cold turkey. All we’re saying is that there are a plethora of other footwear options that don't make your feet feel like furry saunas. 6.) Stop Sagging Your Pants: This whole setup is a doublestandard. Guys, how is it cool for you to assault our eyes with man parts and Fruit of the Looms in assorted colors? If we can't make style choices that warrant public humiliation, you can't either.
5.) Never Wear Your Pajamas Outside of Your House Again: There's never a good reason to wear pajamas in public. Not even when you have to go to class and you're too hungover to find proper pants. Not even to run to Walgreens at 4 in the morning for Midol when you're too bloated for real clothes. The only exception would be if you somehow encountered a Pants Burglar who had you at gunpoint and he's all, "hand over every single pair of your pants you own or else," and the only articles of clothing you're left with in your entire wardrobe are pajamas and you have to wear them in order to stop the Pants Burglar before it’s too late. Actually, no. Not even then. 4.) Stop Accessorizing Your Goddamn iPhone: It all started innocently enough. You bought a case to protect your phone and show a little bit of your personality. But soon after, you were bored with that case, and found yourself another. And another. And another. And before long you were changing cases every other day, you'd named your phone, and you were having lengthy one-on-one conversations with it about your personal life. Accessorizing turned into it a full on addiction, and you'd sometimes spend hours searching for your next fix. Some nights you’d leave home and go on week long casebuying binges and your friends would find you strung out in an alley behind the Apple store. 3.) Burn Your Northface Jacket: One out of every two college women suffers from NorthFaceitis, a contagious disease that forces you to buy overpriced, mundane looking fleeces just to look identical to every other person with a vagina on your college campus. Symptoms include: laziness, lack of creativity, and proneness to peer pressure. Do your part to stop the epidemic.
2.) Resist the Urge to Wear Leggings as Pants: Before leggings came back from the 80s, all we wanted was a pair. But now that they're the new pants, all we want is a time machine. 1.) Be Yourself: It's up to you break the cycle of bad trends in 2013. Avoid being a fashion victim by breaking the rules and carving out your own personal style. Because if you don't, you'll be hearing from us next year.
a hard bit to swallow
Cody Manthei wrote this
The first day back to classes. A bright-eyed freshman walks down the isle of a packed lecture. She’s hopeful and adventurous, this being her second semester, and, thus, a little more experienced at this “college” thing. She scans the rows and sees a boy slouched down in his seat, half awake. Reveling in her newly-found outgoing nature, she takes the seat next to him and begins her rambling. “Hi!” She says giddily. He only looks, nodding his head back as if to say, “What up?” or something equally as bro-y. “I’m Megan.” She extends her hand. “Scott.” He completes the handshake. “Isn’t this exciting?” She begins to unpack her bag, the contents including a spiral-bound three-subject notebook, G-2 pens, and an almost ripe banana. “What do you mean?” Scott sits up in his chair. “I mean the new semester. We have a new opportunity to learn and meet new friends!” “Are you a freshman?” She nods her head.
white page. “I love this place. I don’t think anything could change that.” “What makes this school so good for you?” “Well, the first thing that comes to mind is the friends I’ve met.” “Yeah that’s great and all, but let me tell you: Next year, or perhaps the year after that, you guys will move in together, then by the end of a twelve month lease, you’ll hate each other’s guts and wish terrible things on them.” Taken aback, Megan shakes her head reluctantly. “What about classes?” “What about them?” Scott asks. “What’s your major?” “Advertising.” She smiles. Scott lets out a laugh. A good hearty laugh, like Fran Drescher. “Yep, you’ll find a job for sure; you and the twelve-thousand other students here with the same dream as yours. Most likely, you’ll end up teaching some scrapbooking class at the local learning annex.” “No I won’t. I love my major! It’s really fun.” “I’m sure it is.” He slinks back down in his chair. The two sit in silence for a moment. Megan begins to process what he said, taking a look at her life and the choices she's made.
too much for a degree that won’t give you shit. Go to a goddamned trade school. At least then you can feel okay about having a drinking problem. Not to mention, you’ll actually get a job.” Megan, heart broken and flustered, slips down in her chair. “I’ve wasted my time,” she says to herself. “You certainly have, my little friend.” Scott reaches down in his bag to grab the only object in there. He retrieves his flask and hands it to Megan. “Here, you can have some of this.” “What is it?”
“Yeah, I thought so.” He turns slightly in his chair. “Listen, I’ve been in this godforsaken place almost five years now and I can tell you that things only get worse. As time goes by you realize how utterly meaningless you actually are at this university. Pretty soon, you’re fighting premature alcoholism while trying to maintain a 2.5 GPA.”
She looks at Scott, “Do you really think I won’t get a job?
“Your newest friend, Evan Williams.”
Scott doesn’t move, “Want to know what I think?”
She takes a swig as the professor booms in to the room with a robust, “Good morning, students!”
“I don’t seem to understand.” She opens her notebook to a fresh,
“Drop out.” He pauses to let his bomb hit. “I’m serious. You’re paying
“Yes, I really do.”
Megan finishes the flask, “What do you think this asshole wants?”
TREND: SHEER SHAMELESSNESS, 2012 ADRIENNE BAILON, from 3lw JUSTIN BieBER, DECEMBER 2012 Uh oh. The Biebs has been referencing his How to Be A Caricature of a Wannabe Black Person: A Handbook, Yo again. Only now, information overload has him fuzzy on the rules. "What did it say in chapter 2 about accessories that make you look more gangsta? Was it a cheesy backwards hat or goofball sunglasses? And what were the tips on representin' thug life? I can't remember if it was sloppy t-shirts or droopy drawers. You know what, screw it. I'll just wear it all.”
This year’s sheer style was little more than a contradictory mindfuck. The peek-a-boo effect of a sheer outfit is supposed to be sexy, yet anyone who wears it seems to be sporting granny panties or Spanx underneath. It's like 2012 and 1868 had catfight, but both were TKO'd by a simultaneous head butt, forcing the ref to call it a tie.
Erica Brazelton wrote this
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
have any New Year's resolutions?
Adrienne Bailon was the girl at the party who had you asking just what in fresh hell she was wearing. Was it sheer underwear with a really expensive wad of toilet paper that she forgot was tucked into it? Oh I know, it's a blanket for her crotch in case it gets cold later. Kind of like a vaginal Snuggie. But when a gust of wind blows it up and her lady parts make their red carpet debut, you’ll realize that it’s actually a dress. And then you’ll wish you'd never asked.
"No. I always have things I'm working on, but nothing specifically for the new year."- Chelsie, Senior
Rihanna, all year long
MARC JACOBS, THE MET BALL Dear Marc, Had I known you were desperate enough to rip down your curtain, sew buttons on it, throw it over your boxers, and then rob Stephenie Meyer’s leprechaun for his shoes, I would've gladly sent you some dresses to wear to the Met Ball. All you had to do was text me, dude. XOXO, Karl Lagerfeld
nicki minaj, THE 2012 grammys
Okay Rihanna, we get it. You're eccentric and wacky and avantgarde. You can throw on a strapless bra and a pair of Converse and just go shopping because shirts are for uncool people and you give zero fucks about what anyone thinks. Yawn. Go bore someone else with your I-spend-a-lot-of-time-to-look-as-if-I-don’t-spend-anytime-on-myself attitude. Dressing like a schizo with 14 different personalities does not a fashionista make. Stop. Focus. Pick ONE look and follow through. And is it so hard to go with a hair color that doesn't make you look like an albino?
erin wasson, the golden globes
There's a lesson in this, girls: next time a mountain lion wants to fight you for your dress, just let him have it.
kanye west,
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"To take better care of myself. I started a diet notebook and I just started doing yoga this morning. Don't do that on an empty stomach!" - Lindsey, Junior
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"I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. You should better yourself daily, not wait a year to change."- Blair, Senior
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How We Saved the World Phil McCracken wrote this Look around you right now. Notice anything strange? Like how it’s not all on fire, under water, melting, covered in slime, lousy with zombies, smashed to bits or Terminatored?
9.) Write "2013" on your papers: To some, writing the date correctly comes as naturally as singing into oscillating fans when they’re bored. Others are still a bit “two thousand and late.” Make it your goal to write 2013 on your assignments, even though it feels weird and foreign.
Everything that exists now exists because The Black Sheep saved the world. Don’t worry about recognizing, or even remembering. Umr at-Tawil the Prolonged said that might be a consequence of creating a tangential reality to the one we thought we knew.
From what we can gather, it began at around 6 a.m. that day, with an earthquake in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, too far away from any land to be noticed until it was too late. From the depths of the nightmare corpse city of R’Lyeh arose the slumbering Old Ones to reclaim their profaned Earth. Cthulhu, the Dark Prince came first. He rode a tsunami to California, smashing 70 miles of coast. San Francisco got the worst of it, prompting Mike Huckabee to say some very stupid things on television that later got him lynched after the second bomb fell. Soon after came the others. The winged Mi Go hunted us relentlessly, eating indiscriminately and making it impossible to escape to the air. The Deep Ones infested the lakes and rivers, devouring the people who tried to escape the slaughter on land. The infection of Elder Things had begun to spread inland to the United States when North Korea, whether out of paranoia of the Gods or mercy for us - we’ll never know - ordered the first nuclear strike in California to kill Cthulhu. But North Korean intelligence is the worst intelligence, and when the bomb exploded a mile away, Cthulhu was untouched. He sneezed and the radiation carried 50 miles. We were told that’s where the first zombies were unbirthed. The Black Sheep might have been done for then, if the Vogons hadn’t come for the scheduled demolition. Using the Curiosity rover, they reflected and magnified cosmic radiation via satellites to Earth, killing everyone who had their phones to their ears. Much neater, they said. When Dagon saw what was happening, it alerted Cthulhu and they focused on the immense Vogon fleet for six hours - enough time
Top 10
Things to do before 2013 is over
10.) Have a reality show: We can all agree that MTV stars are the most entitled, untalented, vapid waste of grey matter this side of 17. They’re also disgustingly rich. Have a TV show featuring your untalented ass so you can swim in diamondencrusted pools of Goldschlager by 2014.
You’re goddamn welcome.
Oh, and that whole “saving the world” thing? We had no help, by the way. The Black Sheep remembers specifically laying out preparation plans for everyone on Earth before December 21st, 2012, but by the time the first cell phone murdered its handler with brain-melting cosmic rays beamed from the alien base née Curiosity rover on Mars, not one single person had even tried to communicate with Yog-Sothoth to spare us. (We, counting on the newly enlightened The Black Sheep readers to jump into action once they had instructions to prepare, began preparing for a much more obscure, yet just as horrible, apocalypse eventuality. Unfortunately, the Old Ones hit us with every conceivable apocalypse except mutated Killer Shark Bees, so that one’s on us, we guess.) There were no bomb shelters, Iowa had not been evacuated and our iPods died, like, two hours after it began. Despite having had hundreds of years to prepare, the apocalypse caught us with our pants down.
The
theblacksheeponline.com
8.) Travel: On a good day, Michigan is boring. We haven’t had a good day in ages. This year, travel out of state or country where the sun shines more than two months of the year and the people aren’t weighed down by soul crushing ennui. 7.) Get “Call Me Maybe” out of your head: It will be very tricky, and you might need some help. Try throwing a wish in a well. Da da da I’ll never tell OH GOD DAMN IT!
for The Black Sheep to attempt to make contact with the Elder and Outer Gods to plead for our lives. Yog-Sothoth, Azathoth and even Nyarlahotep ignored us at first. But He Who Must Not Be Named heard us from his kingdom on Carcosa and, seeing an opportunity to subvert his dreaded brother’s power, spoke on our behalf to the Outer Gods. The zombies and sentient drones were nearly on The Black Sheep when Yog-Sothoth opened the trans-dimensional gate under our feet. Even now, the sight of The Beyond One boggles our eyes and boils our mind, though we ought be grateful for the honor of seeing it and being allowed to plead our case. We cannot remember exactly what was said or who said it, because even as we write these words the memory is too physically painful to bear. But the All Knowing Yog-Sothoth became very interested when Sarah asked a certain question. The Gatekeeper tricked Azathoth into reaching back in time and erasing Nicole Polizzi’s memory of her father, Cthulhu, before she could shoot the 12 more victims needed to complete the profane ritual to summon him. It split reality in two, creating one world ravaged by apocalyptic powers, and this one, safe for the moment. Suddenly quiet, the Vogons were unable to locate the earth to demolish it and assumed the unruly Daleks had already done so and neglected to inform the Galactic Council.
6.) Find Love: You’d think Love would be easier to find, but it’s a very big world and there are so many other people with glasses and red and white striped shirts and hats that it can be - wait, that’s not Love. Who am I thinking of? 5.) Master a recipe: Cooking might not be the most impressive of skills, but if you have one dish that you do better than anyone else, you have a much higher chance of getting laid in 2014. “Come to my place, I’ll make you my signature Pringlecrusted chicken on cheesy Ramen,” will get a girl into your apartment faster than “Your butt looks like a butt Jell-o mold.” 4.) Get kicked out of a bar: Not everyone wants to hear about the time you drank three martinis and danced with a less attractive member of the desirable sex. EVERYONE wants to hear about the time you got kicked out of a bar. You can challenge yourself with this. Will it take more alcohol than anyone has ever drunk? Or a gorilla suit? Or fire? 3.) Figure out what you want to be when you grow up: Better late than never, but you’re not going to be a dragon. You do understand that, right? 2.) Make a pillow fort: Nothing, and we mean nothing, is more conducive to a happy, healthy lifestyle than dinosaur nuggets, shadow puppets and a well-constructed pillow fort. You have to put the “NO BOYS ALLOWED” sign out front, though, or else you risk cooties.
And for now, it seems we are safe. In another reality, one that grows farther away from us with every passing second, Ubbo-Sathla devours the Earth and the Galactic Council, while secretly hating everything about the Vogons, seeks to avenge their slaughter. Umr at-Tawil tells The Black Sheep the ensuing war will kill 30% of all life in that universe and continue until “a star dies, becomes dust, is born, dies, becomes dust, is born, dies” when a tallish man in a blue box finally answers the Question and ends it all. We’ve been given another chance to impress the universe. One more chance to deserve the mercy we’ve been shown. One last chance to prove we are not the vapid, wasteful, violent, hateful planet that earned its destruction. You’re goddamn welcome.
1.) Start following The Black Sheep on Twitter: It’s the most rewarding two seconds you can spend. Not only will you have access to the newest news with your favorite campus paper, but we say the smartest, funniest, awesomest things that you won’t want to continue to miss.
@Black_Sheep_wmu wrote this
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page 9
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a syllabus for syllabus week hannah borland wrote this Colleges these days, including our mostly-inebriated-but-classyas-James-Bond’s-left-testicle Black and Gold, are doing an Aplus job of teaching vital real world skills, curbing GPA inflation, and keeping tuition affordable. And by “doing” these things we actually mean actually they’re not doing them at all. There is one week to be optimistic, though, and that is the magical, twice-yearly syllabus week that nearly every college student, kind-of-in-a-way, looks forward to. It is the one-week in which you pretend that you might actually enjoy a course and not find yourself medicating with ten to twelve self-prescribed Keystone Lights on a Tuesday night. It’s also the one week where you’re practically required to procrastinate or be designated an overachieving dork. So, naturally, you should have plenty of time to read our course requirements on how to get down during syllabus week. Course Title: WMU 445: “Syllabus Week.” Also known as” Welcome Week, Part Deux” or “Advanced College Life for Students Who Don’t Introduce Themselves to the Professor on the First Day and Therefore Designate Themselves as AssKissers: A Technology-Based Survey”. Dates/Times: Monday, January 7, 2013- Sunday, January 13, 2013. All day, e’rr day, or until the night before the first quiz that some professors like to have during the first week to show that they have suede elbow pads and are not dicking around. Instructors: The Black Sheep, Ph.D. in Gender Studies with a Concentration in Male Genital Monikers, Buster McFly, MS in Historical Football Time Travel, and President Dunn, BS and only BS.
TAs: Have no effect on your grade. But these pseudo-librarian ladies often have Hefner-worthy T’s and A’s, just not quite worthy enough to waste your time on during this first magical week. Course Objectives: The student will only be able to demonstrate knowledge of his or her courses to the extent that he/she vaguely knows when and where they are, as well as the level of attractiveness of the professor. The student should also be able to determine the relative difficulty and seriousness of the professor, and should be able to demonstrate the proportionality of such properties as they relate to the age and number of sexual encounters of the professor, i.e. are they still young enough to give the students a break and are they still banging eligible suitors at the same pace as Taylor Swift on a Percocet binge. Finally, the student should also be able to fully analyze bars, parties, clubs, and other social gatherings to determine their level of drunk, hot, and duck-faced girls, ranging from bro-temptuous to bro-nasty. The student should also know which one of those is a good rating, and which implies serious danger of STDs and those dramatic drunk-girl tantrums that still occur every night despite everyone agreeing that they’re fucking worse than cancer and an aging Eminem combined. Grading Scale: 4.0: 0%-89% 0.0: 90% and above. You’re trying way too hard already, slugger. Hints for Succeeding in this Course: -Don’t buy any textbooks now. If The Black Sheep were ever serious about anything (we’re not, but whatev’s), it would be
this. Unless you’re looking to buy a doorstopper that happens to be pricier than a mountain of gold-plated hooker robots, don’t buy the book. -Wear a monocle - being a fancy gentleman never goes out of style. -When you get a ticket for daring to park anywhere on campus without surrendering your first born, please, set your ticketed car on fire. You only experience so many syllabus weeks in your life, might as well make it memorable with some good ol’ fashioned arson. -Don’t do any reading. At all. Why are you even reading this? Stop now.
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The College Boy’s Guide to Hooking Up: A Primer, Pt. 1 G. Jordan Johnson wrote this College films of olde painted a picture for my generation of what the college years would look like; raging alcoholfueled threesomes with the occasional trip to class. The reality is not one John Belushi would have imagined. College is a tedious (and expensive) responsibility that leaves little energy to pursue the coveted three-way. Ryan Reynolds, the last great hero of the genre, took with him the over-the-top humor of farts, cheesy disco parties, and the ancient art of hooking up. Bereft of Van Wilder’s virility and left with little more than a growing collection of Xbox achievements, Mountain Dew boxes, and a hefty external hard drive full of porn, we say "No more!" The window of opportunity to heed nature’s calling inches shut beyond the glare of your monitor. College, the first tongue-tantalizing taste of freedom for many of you readers, is prime time for sexy time but those desirous opportunities are viciously masturbated away (thanks Adderall) or spent arguing with Internet trolls about why "camping is for total shit stains." It's amazing how the iconic imagery of a couple going at it in the back of a ’56 Chevy lost precedence to “headshotting n00bz.” You must make a choice. Your sweet level 80 Elf Cleric is sick d00d, and your emotional sensitivities really express something genuine about your depth and understanding of out-ofprint vinyl, but neither of the two are natural (and certainly won’t put the gravity to work on any panties). Start now and fulfill your biological duties. The key to getting yourself out of that sexless rut is being proactive. You’ve got to want to get up and give it some
effort. Lovely ladies the world over, by some degree of separation, are waiting for you to awaken your inner Don Giovanni and woo them into horizontal harmony. Alas, the first step is the hardest. Prying yourself out of that compression-formed desk chair, separating the fibrous layers that have formed between the faux-leather and your ass hairs, and a small step into the shower marks a milestone in the marches of the modern would-be man. Protip: Avoid Axe products. It’s a marketing ploy targeted at dipshits like yourself. The stench may be pleasant to you, but it’s a cheap and easy fix. Ladies don’t go for cheap and easy (unless you’re in a motel). This is college, your chance to be a real showstopper; to finally fulfill all the promises your Facebook profile has made. If you’ve got a little extra Skrilla in your pocket, pick up some Yves Saint Laurent L’Homme or Hugo Eau de Toilette for a scent that was made for heartbreaking. If you’re tight on dough, go for Diesel Plus Plus. Now that you no longer smell like bacon Doritos, you need to plan your mode of operation. Go out or invite a girl over? You don’t know any girls? We can’t say we're shocked. Socially, you’re going to have to reassert yourself back into the world. Speed-clicking through Brazzers can be time-consuming. Here your mileage may vary, but there are a few surefire methods. Ideally, you have friends who don’t shriek at the sight of a vagina, and through them you might casually make your way into a few distant social circles. Don’t get angry at the fact that we exist in cliques, remember, this is the world we created for ourselves. If your friends are equally terrible at socializing, then perhaps
casual random interactions are a better opener. These don’t have to go down in the dark, sweaty crevices of bars, rather this can be a bummed cigarette outside of the coffee shop. You might pretend to have missed some notes from the last (two weeks of) class and ask to borrow a pretty lady’s before the next quiz. See where this is going? You’re going to have to chock up some confidence and speak to the opposite sex. We can’t trust you beyond that, so we’re going to have to work on all the dumb shit you’re going to say.
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week ashley shakespeare's pub Favorite Drink? At Shakespeare’s, I prefer Captain and Coke. Yes, I make it really well. Favorite Shot? I like the Red Dragon. It’s lime vodka, apple Pucker, pineapple juice, Sprite and some grenadine. “I-Dare-You” Shot? Prairie Fire tequila and Tabasco. What’s your New Year’s Resolution? I want to learn something new every month, like knitting or changing my tires!
What’s the most fun thing you’ve seen on the job? We got the whole bar one night to chant this girl’s name on her 21st birthday and do shots. If you had to be trapped on an island with a celebrity, who would you choose? Ooh, tough! Probably Johnny Depp. He’s played every type of role and he’d probably have tons of stories!
What movie are you most looking forward to in 2013? Hunger Games: Catching Fire. I really liked the books.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Aww snap, girl, you ready for this game? Can you handle the pressure? Will your drunk ass remember what to do? Don’t worry, this simple game will get you simply drunk. Nothing to complain about right here.
Sometimes it’s late and you don’t know what you want eat. You just want everything: every flavor, every texture, and every carb. So indulge in your deepest desires and start your New Year’s resolution, uh, next week, or something. It’ll always be there.
Oh, Snap!
Number of Players: At least four, and the more the merrier. What You Need: Beer, cards, agility. Intoxication Level: You’ll start naturally speaking ebonics. How to Play: - Designate one person as the dealer. Since the dealer has a disadvantage, the dealer does not have to play during their deal. - All other players keep their “snap hand” behind their back. - The dealer begins by placing cards face up, in a stack, and calls out the number on each turn. - When two cards of the same number come up in a row, the first person to bring their hand down on top of the pile gives out one drink for each number on the card. - The round ends when the dealer runs out of cards, and a new dealer is chosen. - You can add variety to the game by adding other “snaps,” like when face cards of the same suit come up, or when cards in ascending or descending order come up. The Game Ends When: Everyone’s hands are too bruised to open another beer.
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Barbecue Nachos
What You’ll Need: Tortilla chips, barbecue sauce, and shredded cheese. You can also add lettuce, tomatoes, olives, jalapenos, avocado, pretty much any kind of meat, extra cheese, and green onions. If you’ve got ‘em, flaunt ‘em. Cook Time: About five minutes, ten if you need to cut up anything. Fatty Factor: Like you really care. Let’s Get Baked: - Put tortilla chips of a microwave-safe plate, enough to cover the bottom and then some. - Spoon on a few tablespoons worth of barbecue sauce. - Sprinkle on cheese and any other toppings you may have. Sprinkle on more cheese just because. - Microwave the plate until cheese is just about melted, about two or three minutes. - Dip in extra barbecue sauce if you’re sexy feeling that way. If you thought this was great late in the night, try making this again sober while you’re watching football on Sunday. Barbecue pulled-pork is an ideal addition, but we understand that anything that can’t be microwaved may be difficult for a college student to prepare, so call mom and make her bring it to you.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
This Is The End 2013 sees four well-liked series draw to a close. Though these shows will live on in syndication for years to come, the series finale of each promises to bring finality to the lives of these imaginary people. Of course, the conclusion of one’s life isn’t always glorious; oftentimes man goes out the way he came in to the world; kicking, screaming and covered in bodily fluids. What happens if these series see ungraceful endings? By: brendan and quinn
30 rock
In the cold intro the cast and crew of TGS mill around waiting for Liz Lemon to assume control of her show. Instead, the recently-married head writer appears with authoritarian figure in arms Jack Donaghy. Beaming, Lemon makes an announcement, telling the staff that she’s “Preggers and out of here, nerds!” before abruptly quitting. Tracy and Jenna pass on taking creative control of the show, noting that their antics would fall by the wayside if they were to take on any modicum of responsibility. Pete Hornberger also passes, his love of alcohol and pornography would eventually seep too deeply into the show's subject matter. Frank assumes control temporarily, but is forced to cede power after Jack bursts into Frank’s office to berate him into compliance, only to find him high on opium. This leaves the show in
breaking bad
When Scott arrives in the office Jim stares at the camera for ten seconds in amazement before tearing up — he understands that this is the last time he’ll knowingly glance at a camera. Michael is appalled to see Andy as the Regional Manager, and he demands that Andy not use his chair. Andy insists the chair is his, but Michael notes, “It’s the same color, size and smell” of his former chair. The office all votes with Michael, and
Andy is forced to sit on a bucket for the rest of the episode. Realizing it may be the last time he ever sees Michael, Dwight finally expresses his undying love for Michael, who rebukes Dwight because “even if [Michael] was gay, [he] could do way better than Dwight, like James Spader, or something.” Insistent, Dwight tells Michael of his master plan, that the duo will retire to a quiet life on the Schrute family farm, where they can open a gay bed and breakfast called Masterbeeters. This uncomfortable confrontation forces Michael to return to New York City without his baby back ribs. The show ends with Andy wheeling his chair back in front of his desk noting it’s “Just another day in the office.”
Walt pulls into his driveway after offing Gus Fring, but he collapses on the walk inside. Skyler, peering out the window anxiously waiting for Walt to arrive home, leaves him to die on his walkway, happy to rid herself of a man she loathed. Cut to Walt miraculously waking up in his hospital bed, four strange young men and a woman he vaguely recognizes standing over his bedridden body. Slowly the memories begin to trickle back. Images from years past pang against his conscience. Four lovely boys. An overbearing wife for whom he deeply cares. The drip quickly swells to a flood, washing over him now are the years of anguish he’s felt over his children’s constant troublemaking, his wife’s insistence on being the head of the household, the menial white-collar cubicle job. He realizes everything from the drugs to the cancer to the criminal empire—it’s all just fantasy.
Harrison. That’s right, Dexter’s five year old son. Left in a pool of his mother’s blood, his own dark passenger leads him to stalk LaGuerta down and shoot her in cold blood. As Deb was babysitting Harrison she had no choice but to take him with her to find LaGuerta. Harrison stole her phone and gun, crawled to the shipping container, probably said “Fuck yo Latina ass” and shot LaGuerta – his dark passenger
Months later Hal is still rehabilitating comfortably in his vanilla suburban house, surrounded by the same four brats—the middle one named Malcolm-- and nagging wife that led him to swallow a bottle of Ambien in the first place. Working with a psychotherapist Hal slowly learns the meaning behind his coma visions; the drug trade provided Hal a means of living a dangerous profession, Skyler is the obedient wife Hal’s always wanted to have, Jesse, the malcontent younger son who actually made him money, the lung cancer manifest the years Hal spent smoking before having children. As Hal wheels himself to a window overlooking his front lawn he puts a meth pipe to his lips, lights a butane torch, inhales deeply, closes his eyes and tries to slip back into a dreamland he desperately misses.
knowing she was a threat to his father. In the meantime, Dexter runs a truck into the prison to break Hannah out, and the two fly to Argentina where they happily kill whoever they want. Harrison can’t be put in jail because he is five, so Deb takes care of him until he turns 18. By now Dexter is just a fleeting memory for all the other members of Miami Metro. Except Harrison, who tracks Dexter down with the help of Deb. Deb, Dexter, Harrison and Hannah then start their own vigilante murder team, eventually climbing the ranks of the Argentinean government where Dexter becomes King of Argentina. And just for funsies, let’s say Deb discovers she’s not related to Dexter and those two have weird sex all the time.
dexter
Deb and Dexter need to frame someone for LaGuerta’s murder, but who can they frame? They could blame LaGuerta for going insane and trying to frame Dexter to the point she tries to kill him, leaving Deb to shoot her in self-defense – but that’s too easy and the evidence against Dexter being the Bay Harbor Butcher is too strong to ignore. They must find someone to take the fall…
Cut to fourteen years in the future inside a house on Long Island. Lemon — now unkempt and morbidly obese — is wolfing down ice cream while watching re-runs of reality TV hit Space Pawn; a new show that sees pawn brokers on the moon trade oxygen for a person’s goods at an unfavorable rate. The phone rings, it’s Pete. He informs Liz that Jack has died. Liz realizes that she always truly loved Jack, and missed out on a life of glamour trying to live a life of strength and independence. Realizing she’s now a fat housewife watching bad TV and raising kids in suburbia, the screen fades out to a woman coming to terms that she’s become everything she’s always hated.
the office
Michael and his now-wife Holly are vacationing in New York City when Michael remembered that Scranton has the best Chili’s on the planet. Choosing to make a day trip, Michael is disappointed when the Scranton Chili’s is out of baby back ribs until the delivery truck arrives in the late afternoon. To kill time he decides to stop by the Dunder Mifflin office to see what the old gang is up to.
the hands of the bumbling Lutz. Three weeks later, after four fires and a crocodile attack have ravaged the TGS set, the show is cancelled.
we interview:
nightlands
When he’s not working as the bassist for Philadelphia’s War on Drugs, David Hartley pumps out future pop work as a man of the dark in Nightlands. His most recent work, Oak Island, comes out on January 22nd. He was nice enough to talk to us about what it means to be a sci-fi guy trapped in a musician’s body. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: For Nightlands, much of your work is about dreams you’ve had, or your notion of what dreams are. How do you interpret dreams as music? Dave Hartley: The first record I made, it was literally influenced by dreams. Dreams really evaporate when you wake up, so I had a voice recorder by my bed. That directly led to a lot of lyrics and melodies. On Oak Island it’s more dreamy than really relating to my dreams. I like fantastic things—unrealistic sounds, dreamscapes and soundscapes. This music, it could be a soundtrack to a dream. TBS: How do you put these songs together? Dave: I really love recording. It’s like a game to me; I come at it with this childlike wonder. What I record doesn’t have to be amazing, I just try to do the most fun thing I can in the moment. I’m pretty manic in the way I record, I just have an insatiable desire to play with sound. TBS: So do you end up with a lot of unused stuff? Dave: I usually keep working with things until I’m happy. There are definitely songs that I may come back to, and there will be songs I like and that I finish that won’t fit on a record. TBS: When you look at your evolution as a musician can you look back and see how you got to where you are now? Dave: I haven’t listened to my first record in a long time, but last time I did, I was still pretty impressed with it. It was my first timid steps and Oak Island is just the next part of the journey. I always try to make pop music in a really strange way. I’m not where I want to be, but I like chasing the dragon. TBS: How much does the visual aesthetic play into what you do? Dave: I’m really into sci-fi, and it’s pretty apparent in my visuals. At the end of “300 Clouds” it’s this huge wash of vocals, and I wanted it to sound like a legion of angels coming down from heaven, shooting lasers out of their eyes. On another song I wanted it to sound like robots marching into the sunset. I’m a visual person, and I’ll look at things when making music to spark my imagination. TBS: Does that visual-to-audio thing happen immediately, or is it something you have to work through? Dave: Sometimes I know what I want it to sound like, and I’m just chasing down that sound. Most of the time it doesn’t turn out the way you’d expect, but it’s better than what you want, or it takes you to an interesting place. TBS: You mentioned earlier that you’re a sci-fi nut; what kind of sci-fi gets you going? Dave: I’m into hard sci-fi. Basically, it’s written by people with a comprehensive knowledge of science. Arthur C. Clarke is at the forefront of that genre. He’s a fucking genius, and when he was writing his novels it wasn’t just “This could happen!” Everything is so fantastic, but grounded in reality. It blows your mind if you really think about it. It’s not magic, it’s science. TBS: Working out of Philadelphia, how would you describe the music scene there? Dave: I think it’s a vibrant musical community with less of an emphasis on “making it,” whatever that means now. There’s a huge body of people searching for musical fulfillment. Philly has way more than L.A., with its success-driven scene, or New York, with a lack of identity because of the transplants.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
Zero dark thirty In Theaters January 11th From the duo who brought you The Hurt Locker comes the true story of ‘Merica’s search to catch super-bad arch-villain Osama bin Laden. Framed through the eyes of a CIA agent who will stop at nothing to get her man (in a totally unsexy way), this film allegedly obtained classified materials that got the GOP all rattled, which just adds intrigue to the already compelling story.
$ellebrity In select Theaters January 11th Renown photographer Kevin Mazur tells the tale of overbearing paparazzi from the side of the stars themselves. The likes of Kid Rock, Jennifer Lopez and other intruded-on celebs give interviews exploring the violation one feels when a member of the press climbs the wall of your house to snap a photo. On the other side of the coin, without the tabloids and increasingly unreliable news outlets, they would be nobodies… which may be a good thing.
Girls sunday, january 13th at 9pm on hbo In the Season 2 premiere of Lena Dunham’s diary-turned-somewhatrelatable-drama about 20-something girls living in Brooklyn, Hannah (Dunham) throws a housewarming party with her new roommate / newly out-of-the-closet ex-boyfriend Elijah. Meanwhile, Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) gets weird around weird Ray, the taker of her virginity. Oy vey.
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six degrees
1
of separation think you know how Paul scheer and steve carell are connected?
email us at classtime@theblacksheeponlne.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a prize! how cool is that?
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