Western Michigan Fall Issue 4 - 10/4/12

The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 5, Issue4 10/4/2012 - 10/18/2012

theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu

The Bell of the Ball Diaries WMU Victory Bell wrote this

October, 1939: Alright, team! Jeepers, everyone’s just crackers out here, and I’m feeling pretty hype myself after that doozer of a game!

Those queens from Miami didn’t even stand a chance and our Broncos really told them to chase themselves! That’s the cats, Miami - you mess with us, we’ll buck you up! Ooh, I hope I’m the first to say that! Gee, I’m gonna love being the Victory Bell for Western Michigan!

November, 1941: Aces up, team! Undefeated! Gimme one, Broncos, I can’t believe we did it! It’s a lalapaloosa here in Kalamazoo, and they couldn’t have done it without me! Mitt me, kid, I think I’ve got myself a permanent gig!

September, 1942: I got my orders in from Uncle Sam - I ship out to Germany in a couple weeks. It ain’t gonna be easy, but they tell me I can help our boys really stick it to those kraut pills across the pond.

And how! If anyone can give those Nazis a good lacing, it’s yours truly! I ain’t… I ain’t crying, you Nancy. I’m gonna win this war and I’ll be back before the Broncos know it. Hell, those wheats won’t even need me until the war’s over, I’ve seen ‘em play! Be good, Western. Abyssinia.

September 21, 1956: I’m back, Daddy-O! Hot damn, I’ve missed football, and this is gonna be a killer season! I hear we’ve been playing pretty badly, but with me on the field this’ll be cake! And our first game is against those jokers from Central? This’ll be a laugh and a half!

September 22, 1956: What the hell, Broncos???

November, 1958: Twice. Those Bronco nerds rang me twice this season. Those clowns from Central even beat us again. I feel so useless.

A student heard my cool weeping and came over to tell me to get a grip. We shot the bull for a bit and he offered me a toke. I’m not supposed to get wasted with the students, but whatever was in that joint was bitchin’! I’m on cloud nine! I forget what I was so low for!

See you in the fall!

November, 1960: The boss man’s just bent about our season. But I’m like, chill out, man. After the game some dudes came by with some booze and a couple of joints and we got blitzed. I totally like it when we lose. The peaceniks all come out to make sure I’m feeling alright.

It’s legal - I’m 21 this year. Happy birthday to me, have another losing season. I’m gonna go check out whether those cool dudes have any of that vodka left.

September, 1965: My boss is going to flip out! I can’t believe I missed the first game of the season! I told my buddy I had to get back, but he just told me to chill out and tossed an empty beer can at me. As soon as he gets back from work, I’m gonna totally ask him to take me home.

October, 1962: Yeah, Western. Fight on. And totally don’t forget to propagate violence as a means of establishing dominance at university while you’re at it! Yeah, let’s just hit each other until we win some totally bullshit trophy. That’s the American way. Man, I have some stuff you should read. It would blow your militant mind. Hey, don’t bogart the weed, kid! Pass it along!

November, 1971: Way… way to go, Western. Heard about your big season. I… I should have been there!

April, 1965: On the road! Man, I’m so glad I’m out of there! I got nothing to do until September and I’m so tired of hanging around those yuppies at Western! One of the kids offered to take me on a vacation, and I was like, “Killer! Let’s jam!” It’s been real, Western!

Guide to the Apocalypse: Cthulhu Edition

Who knew the Great Evil That Sleeps would be such a dick?

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August, 1965: What a summer! We drank with my buddy’s friends, smoked some dope, took hilarious pictures of them licking me and slept in! I haven’t felt this groovy in years! I’m ready to get back to football!

January, 1966: HELLO! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME OUT THERE? I AM BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL! HELLO!!

October, 1979: Fight on, fight on for Western… Take the ball, make a score, win the game…

March, 1985: Oh, great, the attic. That’s exactly where I want to be.

THEY’LL COME FOR ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU JUST WAIT! February, 1989: No one’s coming for me. Are they?

what’s inside A New Breed of Politics No need to argue- Romney's just don't understand.

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June, 1995: I, WMU Victory Bell II, being of sound mind and body, declare this to be my Last Will and Testament…

October, 2010: Something happened today. The man who kidnapped me came up into the attic (he’s aged like Hell. Serves him right.) He took one look at me and went back downstairs. I don’t know what he plans to do with me, but I’ve been studying his old karate “how-to” tapes. I can take him.

August, 2012: I… I don’t believe it. The kid who stole me put me in his car today and drove. I thought he was going to melt me down, like 70 years ago. But when we stopped, we were back in Kalamazoo!

I mean, I think it’s Kalamazoo. It looks totally different. There are new buildings all over Western’s campus, and the students dress like it’s Halloween or something. But the kid took me out of his car, patted me on the head and said “Welcome home.” He handed me to some strangers and drove away. Thanks, kid.

September, 2012: ALRIGHT! Who’s ready for some mother-loving football! I got my war paint on and I am ready to go! It’s been 50 years, dude. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed this. Come on, Broncos, let’s kick some Panther ass! Hey, what are you doing? Goddammit, I’m the Victory Bell! Why aren’t you looking at me? Look at me, you little assholes! What the Hell, Broncos?!?

It's Cold Outside… For Now

Michigan weather changes fast. Don't turn your back.

page 10

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word of the week Disshertation:

Any longwinded, angry diatribe one woman makes towards another woman.

Shakira & Chris Hemsworth

“Lisa’s disshertation on Theresa’s formal dress got her over 300,000 YouTube views and one lost Facebook friend.”

The Top ten

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Things to Do with a Time Machine We have not seen Looper yet, but we think that mob hits are an awful way to squander time traveling technology.

Here’s what we’d do instead of provoke Bruce Willis: 10.) Kill Hitler: Paradoxes and alternate realities be damned - it’s a universally agreed-upon rule that if you gain the power to travel in time, you kill Hitler. Period. If he still somehow manages to ravage Europe, everyone will call you a dick when you get back to the present.

9.) Profit: There is no one among us who wouldn’t benefit from being disgustingly rich. Given the power to travel in time, we would get tomorrow’s lottery numbers and use the winnings to buy WWII bonds, which we would sell and buy Microsoft stock just before the boom.

8.) Freak Out Cavemen: Cavemen were stupid. How hilarious would it be to watch them run in fear from light bulbs, or hit cars with sticks? SO hilarious!

The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Cthulhu Edition Phil McCracken wrote this As a child you became aware of the horrible pollution of the earth. For a month, you wouldn’t shut up about the Great Pacific Garbage patch. “How could humans let a 270,000 mile patch of trash in the ocean exist?” you wondered annoyingly. You vowed to go green and clean up the world for your own children.

Then SpongeBob came back on and you forgot all about pollution. If a sponge can live in a pineapple at the bottom of the ocean, then so be it.

But do you know who didn’t forget about pollution? The Old Ones. They slumber in the depths of the ocean, a deathlike coma blinding them to the movements of mortals. Until now, the world has nervously ignored the existence of the Old Gods, like a shadow in the corner of our collective mind.

But as the world warms, as humanity fights one another for dwindling bacon resources, as we come to the final months of our world’s life, they stir.

They stir.

PREPARATION: When Cthulhu and the other Ancient Ones wake up, the last place you’re going to want to be is here on earth. The Old Ones are from, according to the prophet Lovecraft, space. They have as much regard for life on earth as we do for bedbugs, and when Cthulhu wakes up, we are in for an acid wash. Is that excessive? Yes, of course. The Ancient Ones are bad about doing laundry. But damn if it’s not the most effective way to kill bedbugs on the planet. If you crapped your pants in fear at that, you have just scratched the surface of how deep the shit we’ll really be in if we allow Cthulhu to end the world. When he awakens, he’s going to be pissed that he’s been breathing in our refuse from his sunken city of R’lyeh. We could, of course, clean up the ocean, switch to more sustainable energy sources than oil and protect the fragile ocean ecosystem. But that sounds hard and boring.

Your best bet is to make a super convincing Lovecraft-inspired demon costume, and try to sneak onto whatever spaceship they’ll use to leave earth when they’ve finished enslaving all of humanity.

THE BATTLE: If the apocalypse manages to catch you with your pants down (it shouldn’t - Christ, people have been warning you for years) and you find yourself without a suitable disguise, you will find yourself in a very tense situation.

You cannot stop Cthulhu, and if the armies being massacred outside your window are any indication, no man can stand against the might of the most ancient of evils. In fact, there is no way for a simple human to defeat the Great Old Ones.

That is why you have to download the Necronomicon onto your Kindle and summon other, darker Gods to fight the Great Old Ones (you can try the Elder Gods if you’re a pussy, but the benign Elder Gods are to the Cthulhu Mythos what 50 Shades of Grey is to Twilight.) Be warned: the Gods the Lovecraft saw treat humanity with either disdain or apathy. If you plan to convince Yog-Sothoth to even consider looking in this galaxy’s direction, you better have a hell of a human sacrifice planned and manage to teach the knowledge-craving God what “compassion” and “mercy” are.

THE AFTERMATH: The world will be ravished, perhaps even devoured by Ubbo-Sathla, in the end. But let’s assume for the moment that, due to an insane amount of luck and the sexiest ass the Outer Gods have ever seen, they heard your pleas and postpone the obliteration of our planet for a thousand more years. Where does that leave you? Well, depending on how much you’ve practiced your puppy dog face, you’ll either be enslaved for eternity or repurposed as a food source for the Gods. And rest assured, your last moments will be spent in reeling, ceaseless madness from which no mind can escape - it is the fate of all who behold the Gods.

Because science hasn’t delved too much into the effects endless existential horror have on the mind, we don’t know if insanity will dull or enhance the unimaginable pain Azathoth will inflict upon your inconsequential body, but we have to assume that it will be comparable to living in the center of our sun, unable to die in the hellish fires as the pressure crushes your every bone into dust. So recycle that damn Coke bottle, fucktard, before you doom us all!

7.) Stop National Tragedies Before They Begin: We would punch Mrs. bin Laden in the ovaries, warn Pearl Harbor that shit’s about to go down, get Vernon Howell’s mom to get that kid in therapy and convince Snooki’s dad to pay for the abortion.

6.) Create Paradoxes: What would happen if we killed our great grandfathers before they had kids? Or handed an umbrella to the guy who was just about to invent the umbrella? Or stopped the unfair execution of a plucky young hippogriff? We don’t know, but we just bet it would be fun to find out!

5.) Dominate a Dinosaur: If you managed to tame and ride a triceratops like your own lizardy beast of war, you would basically win at life. You could name him Reggie Jackson and take him back to the future, where he would furiously defend his master and the President gives you his job because holy shit that guy tamed a goddamn dinosaur!

4.) Stop the World’s Most Notorious Villain: America still suffers today under the yoke of a totalitarian Russian government, put in place by the most infamous villain in history: John F Kennedy. With time travel, we would stop him before he has a chance to enslave all Americans and hand the keys to America over to Soviet President Brezhnev. Of course, we’d manage to pin it all on some mook from New Orleans, or something.

3.) Host Time Tours: The world has no shortage of Whovians, historians or creationists. Think of all the money you can make taking guided tour groups through the French Revolution! Think about having exclusive biography rights to the Bard! Think of how much fun it would be taking a fundamental Christian through the steps of evolution!

2.) Party Hard: Our country’s fun uncle, Ben Franklin, was known for being awesome. Imagine if you got him, Louis XIV, Roman emperor Nero, a couple Vikings, some Russians and Andrew Jackson at the same awesome party. Now imagine you got Smirnoff to sponsor said awesome party.

Now go take a cold shower.

1.) Forrest Gump Photobombs: Old timey portraiture famously features modern celebrity lookalikes, like Anne Hathaway and Nicolas Cage. Noobs, we say. If we had the power to be anywhere in time, we would troll so hard. You would see us giving bunny ears to General Robert E. Lee and giving our best duck face behind Teddy Roosevelt.

We would photobomb the holy hell out of war conferences and music festivals, and we’d even sneak into posed portraits of constitutional delegates. Then we’d sneak into the future and relish in the religions that will have been built around us.

WMU staff wrote this

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Create Your Own Revenge Fantasy Hannah Weyer wrote this Here’s a fun fact: did you know that the deep, burning, angry stress you’re carrying around on your shoulders can kill you? It’s true. Stress can manifest itself as insomnia, eating disorders, depression and Katherine Heigl movies. And here you thought your urge to punch total strangers in the face was the sign of a healthy and well adapted individual.

“Give me a break,” you plead. “I wouldn’t be so stressed all the time if everyone around me wasn’t a complete fudging idiot!”

Fair point, hypothetical reader. We can sympathize. As it happens, everyone around us is a complete fudging idiot, too. But we can’t let that hold us back anymore. If we keep losing sleep over it, the idiots win.

While homicide is illegal, even when prescribed by a physician to cope with your stress (THANKS Obama), revenge fantasies are still a perfectly soothing and legal way to cope with stress. How do you make a revenge fantasy of your very own? We are so glad you asked.

Step 1: Pick your Vic: Choose the Subject of your Revenge Fantasy (SoRF) carefully. If you’re subject to self-hatred, and we suspect that you are, misplacing blame can do more harm than good. If your coworker tells you that you need to stay late, don’t go for his throat - go for your boss. It’s much more satisfying to fantasize about using Jackie Chanesque kung fu on bosses anyway. You can also choose: your scumbag ex, the girl he cheated on you with, your hardass professor, that bitch who gave you the stink-eye at the

bar, the parking ticket bastard, the asshole that cut you off on the road, that smartass know-it-all in your class, Keanu Reeves, your grandmother, Mondays, Thursdays, Friday mornings, Sunday nights, your idiot friend that suggested Taco Bell after drinks, or the Packers.

Step 2: Choose your Arena: Really use your creativity on this one. Some fun templates you might try include “SoRF victimizes innocent and hot member of desirable sex,” “SoRF turns out to be terrorist in disguise,” “SoRF opens their stupid, stupid mouth again,” and “Red Dawn.”

(Because you’re not using your revenge fantasy for profit, copyrights don’t apply.) Really, you can choose anything.

Just pick a scenario where your asshole SoRF is being an asshole, so they deserve the pain you’re about to imagine raining on them.

Step 3: Choose your Weapon: In the real world, you have to know karate before you can use it (THANKS Obama). It doesn’t matter how badly you wish to initiate a beautifully choreographed dance of death on your roommate - an obsession with John Woo does not automatically make you a great martial artist and you will break something because it’s really tricky to convince your enemy to move in slow motion while you attack. Your revenge fantasy has no such constraints. Pick the method of ass-beatery you find most fulfilling - Bat Fu. Broadswords. Punching. Superior knowledge of copyright law. It should be noted that since the rash of gun violence over the summer, any revenge fantasies you have involving firearms should be kept to yourself unless you want people to think you’re a danger-

ous psychopath. It’s much healthier to imagine yourself stabbing your enemy repeatedly, but keeping him alive just long enough to hear him gasp “You were right” as his life drains away under your fingers.

Step 4: There is no Step 4: Why would there be? If you followed all the steps correctly, you are now totally healthy.

You’ve released all of your stress in a perfectly benign way, so you’re happier and more patient with those who have wronged you. Go ahead, cut me off, you son of a bitch and your Florida plates. Throw a surprise Spanish essay at me, professoro. I imagine-dare you.

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What is your favorite Devil’s Night prank?

"TPing houses. Teehee!"

- AJ, Sophomore

"It doesn’t count as a prank, but it really scares people if you just stand there and scream at them."- Brooke, Senior

"I don’t really do pranks. It sucks when it happens to your own house, right?"

- Steve, Junior

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

A New Breed of Politics Matt Brinker wrote this The election is just about a month away and, like with every election cycle, we have heard all kinds of sound bites and YouTube clips that have us rolling on the floor with laughter. We’re used to watching Democrats try and hilariously fail to win conservatives over by spending the day at the gun range, and we’ve seen Republicans try to woo Union supporters for their votes. But what we are seeing from Mitt Romney is unprecedented - he doesn’t WANT voters from across the aisle. Whatever happened to the days of pandering to each side, double talk, and feigned compromise? Romney openly holds Obama supporters (known to him as the lower-middle and lower classes) in contempt. He claims to not even want those votes, and that he just wants to swing the middle.

By now, everybody has heard his comment about the 47% that will support Obama simply because they are "dependent" on government handouts. Romney’s not even going to try to win their vote because he feels he just can’t compete with giving away free money. Frustrated and confused, Mitt vented to his fundraisers about how he would never convince 47 percent of Americans to take responsibility for their lives and, to paraphrase, it’s “not [his] problem.” Even more offensive to those young, broke people who plan on voting for Obama in November, Romney apparently forgot how 2012 works. The presidential hopeful, according to every person who’s been watching his campaign, simply can’t grasp the finer points of the “smartphone and YouTube age.” He thought he was in a safe environment to insult half of his countrymen, and rub elbows with his rich donors. But the equally admirable and horrible part is that he even sticks by his comments to this day. This begs the question: Does he think he can win after giving away 47% of the vote?

Now, we all know that popular support doesn’t amount to much (or the early 2000s would have been a very different story), but to openly concede and intentionally drive away nearly half of the population is not the first step toward a successful campaign.

Throw in his previous alienation of women, as well as senior citizens and retired military (many of whom are among the 47% that are "dependent"), and Mr. Romney has quite a hole to dig out of. If he is able to pull it out though, politics will change forever.

Nobody wants to see an “us vs. them” campaign. We’re attention whores! “Why doesn’t he want MY vote?” we say. When I see a politician on television, I want to get the feeling that he’s lying face up on my couch, just waiting to kiss my ass. Every political party in the world has their consistent base, but politics was built on brownnosing. It’s a finely balanced system. Even President Obama plays the game, and his opponents still insist he’s a communist Muslim antichrist hippy. A candidate says one thing to one group that they want to hear, then says something else to another group.

It’s an American institution, an integral part of the game, and we at The Black Sheep will not stand by while Mitt Romney tramples the electoral system. We were built on deceptive rhetoric and non-commitment on issues and we will not rest until politics start deceiving us again!

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page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

it's cold outside... for now katy may wrote this Oh how fickle Michigan’s weather can be. Throughout the life of a Michigander, there will be a handful of days that aren’t just bad days, they’re literally the craziest weather days. Since the school year started, the students at Western Michigan University have already been exposed to days that are hotter than Hades and nights colder than a witch’s tit in a brass brassiere.

Mark Johnson is in his fourth year at WMU, working towards his chemistry degree. Since his freshman year, there have been four snow days and a surprise 70 degree Christmas last year.

“Our weather is a bit mixed and matched,” Johnson says. “I’m not sure what to do with it.”

Another student, Mike Voit, says that he first noticed the strangeness in the air since the Spring before last. “The last twelve months in particular have just been bizarre.”

“I definitely think that if you live in Michigan, you have to be prepared for any type of weather at all times,” Brittany DeSender said, laughing.

Brittany is a WMU student from Hillman, a small town about 30 minutes from Alpena, MI. She’s experienced the definition of Michigan weather, with 14-feet of snow during the winter and times where she’s experienced each season in a day. However, she’s optimistic for the upcoming winter saying, “I personally don’t think we’ll have much of a winter. If we do, it will most likely be late.”

Other students have mixed feelings on the forecast for this upcoming winter. Both Voit and Johnson agree that they’re not sure what to expect. It’s a tossup between another mild winter like the one we had last year, or an unhappy reminder that we still live in Michigan. It’s either going to be ok, or horrible – no in between.

Some students are truly dreading the ugly weather that we sometimes face in Michigan, especially on the southwest side. With winter comes cold, with cold comes snow, with snow comes ice, with ice comes death. Even the ballsiest of Michigan drivers who don’t instinctively cringe at the thought of driving on ice patches admit that Michiganders are justified in escaping to Florida until the weather warms up.

Many Kleenex boxes have already been passed around in the dorms and classrooms. Students have been complaining that their allergies are out of whack because of the inconsistencies with the weather. Several students have noticed a dramatic decrease in attendance during lectures since school started because of illness. One Junior, who asked to remain anonymous, claims to have born witness to a lecture hall filled with only seven students. The students who made it to class that day were said to have all “required tissue for their runny noses.” The students who failed to make it to class were “sick? Yeah, let’s go with that…”

Not everyone has their fingers crossed for another bike ride on Christmas day. 20-year-old WMU student, Stephen Anderson, truly hopes that Mother Nature lets us have it this year. “It was too hot this summer,” he says. “Plus, I like the snow.”

Ready or not, Stark or Lannister, winter is coming. Whether it’s another warm one or the worst we’ve seen since ’72, it’s best to be prepared for everything. Hope for enough snow to get snow days, then for those snow days to be 70 degrees. Sure it could be global warming, and our children’s children may never see snow, but at least we can enjoy it! The weather forecast for the next month indicates many days of sweater weather. So, raid your closet for those embarrassing kitten sweaters and wear them with all of your Michigan Pride!

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Thanks to our awesome Android App and online ordering system, you can quickly and easily place your favorite post-party order right from the comforts of that awesome red chair. Don’t forget the fries!

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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

bartender of the week Tim P. the library Nickname: Blazer Tazer Lazer Status: Dating another bartender.

What’s your favorite cocktail?: A perfect Manhattan.

I dare you drink?: It’s called Pond Scum. It’s warm tequila, pickle juice and red pepper flakes. Gross, right?

What’s your favorite beer?: Batch 19. It’s a lager that’s pre-prohibition style. We are one of seven places in Kalamazoo that serves it.

Are you looking forward to any show premiers coming up? Yeah, Dexter. Whenever it starts! (Editor's Note: Umm...)

What about movies?: Argo looks sweet.

What should we look forward to this month in Kalamazoo? The zombie walk, October 20th. Come out to help Kalamazoo break the world record for zombie walkers!

the drinking game

chestbump This game may sound like it’s only made for frat bros, but if you’re a girl who can hold your own when it comes to beer, then feel free to join on in. This game will involve more stinky burps than a roadside truck stop.

What You’ll Need: Cups, four ping pong balls, and beer.

Number of Players: Four if you want to go hard, more if you actually want to remember your night.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be buying shots for the undercover cops at the bars later on.

How to Play: - Have everyone pick a partner and sit across from them around the table.

- Every player grabs one beer and divides it up between three cups arranged into a triangle in front of them. If you’re feeling competitive up the ante and play will full cups.

- On “Go,” everyone bounces a ping pong ball across the table to their partner.

The receiver has to bounce it off his or her chest and get it into one of the cups in front of them.

- If your partner succeeds, he or she slides one of the beer cups over to the opponent on the right of them, who now has to chug its contents before continuing bouncing.

- After a team has finished all of their cups, one last full beer is placed directly in the middle of the table. The team must double bounce the ball into the cup to win.

The Game Ends When: The last beer has been finished and someone spews into the cups in front of them. Drink up, brah!

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Recipe for Disaster

Bacon Cholesterol Toast If you don’t wake up every morning without a craving for greasy delicacies, then something is wrong with you. Just when you thought breakfast toast was just a crunchy piece of burnt bread, we found a recipe to change the world of morning meals.

What You’ll Need: About a pound of bacon, bread, and some salt.

Cook Time: Ten minutes.

Fatty Factor: No amount of Cheerios is going to lower your cholesterol after this.

Let’s Get Baked: - Grease up a frying pan and fry up all that bacon on your stove, preferably shirtless after a night of heavy drinking.

- After all the bacon stops simmering and popping, remove it from the pan. Drop some bread in the pan with the leftover bacon grease and brown it evenly on both sides.

- Once the bread is toasted remove it from the pan and sprinkle both sides with salt.

- The way to eat it is up to you. We’re fans of creating a mega bacon weave and sandwiching it between a few slices of our cholesterol toast. Maybe grab some syrup and have some finger food dipping fun?

Have 911 and a respirator on standby. You will have trouble breathing and your blood flow may slow down immensely. But it’s super delicious so at least the last thing you eat before you die will be totally worth it.

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Home | Sheeple | Sheep Shops | BullSheep | Sheep Slops | Sheep Shock

Super Spectacular Sparty OUT and About!!

Mountaineer Back on the Flame Train???

top stories The Hottest Stories Right Now! Fuzzy photos LEAKED of CHIEF ILLINIWEK at underground poker table!

VCU’s Rodney the Ram denies accusations of horniness - Buster Bronco says he’s considering CHARGES!!!

SHOCKING!! So, Sparty the Spartan was seen sportin’ his skirt outside the stadium! A source close to us says he just “feels right” wearing the skirt, and might soon take on more feminine attire. OMGZ! Maybe after getting rooted by the Irish, Sparty is getting in touch with his boy-loving Greek roots!!

Seeing him swing around night clubs in East Lansing in his skirt AND emerging stories of several student athletes seeing Sparty carry his pride into the locker room, might lead us to one FAB conclusion: gay! gay! gay!!!

Sparty has long been seen with a perm frown on his face, BUT we’re hoping this revelation might leave him with a glamz smile! Go Sparty! We’re all on your team!!

Dead Doggies’ Dark Doo-Doo Demises

Wait till you hear who’s at it again! Last week the paps caught The Mountaineer deep in the woods of West Virginia burning a couch! Fresh out of pyromaniac rehab, The Mountaineer couldn’t live without getting his fix, and was reportedly “found rolling around in the mud, in a catatonic state… pupils dilated while muttering ‘longhorn’ under his breath.”

Apparently The Mountaineer couldn’t take the pressure of another big game, and needed fire to relieve himself.

We don’t want to cast judgment on The Mountaineer, but several other mascots have lent their support. The forever shiz-faced Iowa State University Cyclone tweeted “@Mountaineer yo iz kool wut u did bro, liv by ur one rolzze!!1 #livurLyf.” LOL looks like Cyclone has had one too many hurricanes!

Redbird Cy, Oh My!

Cavalier attitude nets night in jail for UVa mascot.

Goldy Gopher, 3, Found dead in auoterotic asphyxiation mishap. PHOTOS INSIDE!!

After sex change USC’s Cocky legally changes name to Pussy. MUST SEE BEFORE/AFTER SHOTS! Two years later, Rebel Black Bear admits mascot change “A trap” in interview with ET. What was the Clemson Tiger doing outside the Trophy Lust Club at 4a.m.??

The pap catches Syracuse Orange shopping in baby store!! Is s/he pregnant!

EXCLUSIVE PICS!

Do all doggies go to heaven? Let’s hope so! Seems as though the party went a little TOO hard in Athens two weekends ago, especially after the Bulldogs beat the Volunteers by 7.

Early reports out of the coroner’s office suggest both suffered from chocolate sickness after bonging Hershey’s chocolate syrup into their little hound heinies! According to the Athens Animal Hospital Uga IX and Smokey IX were admitted to the emergency room at approximately 2:14a.m. with sever fevers. By 5:00a.m. both were pronounced dead.

Hey, college football studyboyz like Uga IX and Smokey IX are notorious for partying with fine bitchez, so don’t act like we didn’t see this coming. They will be thrown in a local incinerator on Monday, October 8th.

Seems as though The Parent Trap really is about some redheads, after all!!!

We’re here to reveal a Peep Sheep EXCLUSIVE! An intense investigate has finally proven that ISU’s Cy the Cardinal and ISU’s Reggie Redbird are one in the SAME! Turns out, Cy (Real name: Crandall Berkowitz III) been the head worm-catcher of TWO nests!!! During the winter months leaves his hen and two chicks to fly south for the winter to Bloomington/Normal, IL to live in the lap of luxury with his other family, the Redbirds under the assumed name, “Reggie.”

When questioned on the matter, Berkowitz III’s lawyer, Hyper-Chicken, declined comment. Turns out, birds of a feather DON’T flock together. They’re the same bird!!!!!!

Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish swears all boys-club was a “fight club.” What do you think!?

USC Trojan can’t seem to get excited with NCAA sanctions. Say’s [the sanctions] are “too tight.”

Puddles, the Oregon Duck, is splitz-ville the Horned Frog - did religion get in the way AGAIN!?!

the interview

zedd

If you haven’t heard the name Zedd, you have definitely heard his work. At twenty-three, having worked with an ambit of major artists – from Baby Biebs to Skrillex – Zedd has produced several chart-topping beats. Stepping into the spotlight with a full-length album, Clarity, Zedd is an artist worth picking up on (and following on Twitter @Zedd). By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’ve produced and toured with some pretty major artists - do you prefer being behind the scenes producing beats, or working on your own?

Zedd: It really depends. I obviously love doing my own music because I don’t have to please anyone with my music. With all my love and respect to my whole team - at the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that I truly love something I did. If I do work for other people, especially major artists, there are so many people you have to make happy - compromises have to be made which I don’t like.

At the same time I can try new things out if I work for other people that I would probably not have done for myself.

TBS: You released Clarity to iTunes on October 2nd (October 9th everywhere). After a long list of singles and remixes, what made you transition to a full-length album?

Zedd: You know, I really like releasing singles because you can put something out right after you finish it, and it’s still fresh and hot. Making a full-length album is very difficult, especially for us DJs who tour 24/7.

Making an album is a huge commitment, but it also gives you the chance of expressing yourself in a way that is more detailed than you could ever do it with singles. If you put out a single all the attention is on one track. With an album you can very well show a wider range of yourself, make songs that would probably not be a good single, but a great album track, and fulfill a certain roll in an album - just like the tension is not constantly high in a movie, there’s ups and downs.

I’m not talking about fillers; in fact I believe my album doesn’t have any fillers, but tracks can definitely tell a story in a context of an album that singles can’t.

TBS: Any track you are particularly excited for on Clarity, or are they all equally awesome?

Zedd: It’s very close to impossible to pick my favorite song. “Hourglass” is one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written in my whole life and... yeah ... it’s really just the whole album that I’m mostly excited about, more than particular tracks.

TBS: How do you describe Clarity in comparison to your past work?

Zedd: Well, I think to a certain degree it’s probably a little bit more adult and experienced.

Where the focus sometimes has been on making a big club-hit before, the focus on this album is to make music that is so timeless you can listen to it in 30 years and still be proud of the musicality in it.

TBS: How do you build songs? Like, how did you come up with mixing Skrillex and The Doors for “Breakin’ a Sweat?”

Zedd: Usually I’ll just play around on a keyboard or piano till I come up with the melodic / harmonic part; mostly the chorus or the hook. Then I make the parts around it. With my “Breakn’ A Sweat” remix Skrillex asked me to do a remix so that was a no-brainer for me.

TBS: When you play live shows, do you feed off the crowd or do you come in with a strict setlist?

Zedd: It’s a good mix of both. I prepare for shows depending on where I play and what type of crowd is expected. But a lot of the times the crowd will be completely different from what you expect, and in that case I switch up things. I have certain routines but there’s never a strict setlist.

TBS: Your parents are musicians, and you started studying classic piano at a young age - how has that influenced you? And how much do your parents love your music?

Zedd: It influenced me very much because I’ve learned about music theory, and learned to play several instruments – that’s stuff I can use to make music that’s a little different from a lot of other producers. This doesn’t mean they’re better or worse; it’s just different and I like being different.

My parents actually like the music! They’ve never listened to electronic music before but they like the “musical” part of my music more than the sound-design aspect.

TBS: Of those major artists you’ve worked with, are there any weird similarities you find between them? Like, do Skrillex and Baby Biebs have anything in common that the layman wouldn’t know?

Zedd: [Laughs] Well, the biggest similarities are that they all share the same passion: music! Skrillex and Bieber, I’d say, have fairly different personalities but they’re both very passionate about what they do in their own ways.

TBS: Your Twitter is pretty hilarious - is that all you?

Zedd: [Laughs] Thank you! It is all me - and probably sometimes a little bit too much of “me” but I enjoy not thinking too much about what I say there.

TBS: Also on Twitter, your about me is “Shave it up,” what’s that about?

Zedd: Illuminati man... It’s all Illuminati!

TBS: What’s one thing you can’t tour without?

Zedd: I can’t tour without shows! I really can’t!

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

Jersey Shore Season 6 Premiere Thursday, Oct. 4 at 10pm on MTV The final season of the cultural phenomenon made up of meatballs and meatheads is coming to a tearful end, the kind that only comes after six shots of vodka annd a drunk dial to mother. The dynamic of the house is different this time, however, with Nicole being 6 months pregnant. How will sober Snooki do in a house full of alcoholic maniacs? We can’t wait to see.

v/h/s In Theaters Oct. 5

This film, comprised of five short films, revolves around a woven narrative of a group of guys who break into a creepy house in search of one particular VHS. They then watch five, each of which is more messed up then the one before, and all terrifying as hell.

V/H/S was available on iTunes weeks ago, so take it from us that this is one of the scariest movies you’ll see...except for those movies inside the movies.

mellowhype - numbers out oct. 9 Odd Future members Hodgy Beats and Left Brain team up to form the Los Angeles hip-hop duo MellowHype. With two studio albums already under their belt, not to mention plenty of features on Odd Future and Tyler, the Creator albums, and even a song on the Madden NFL 12 video game, these wacky dudes are certainly on their way to certified success.

mad swag

Would you consider yourself a trill OG? Are you down with that flow, yo? Are you reading this thinking, “Whoever wrote this is painfully white.”? Well, la-tee-dah. More importantly, can you decipher our Mad Swag? Below are several mondegreens - words replacing similar-sounding words - of well-known rap lyrics.

Can you figure out what these artists are sayin'? email us the title of the song the lyric is from to madgab@theblacksheeponline. com and if you get them all right, you’ll win a prize!

Lives ab i tch hand ten nude eye

Soup her intend dose egg a ninja sis

Hi loafed win ewe calming beak pop huh

So far ash soak lean

Rapper: Nas

Rapper: Notorious B.I.G

Rapper: Notorious B.I.G

Rapper: Outkast

Hue mice hunch tine

Hi got nigh tee nigh bro blooms

La booty bro Emma moth kin pawn star

Yellow bee distiller orgy

Rapper: Lupe Fiasco

Rapper: Jay-Z

Rapper: Kanye West

Rapper: Dr. Dre

Smock we derriere

Adjust dope lava truck

Icee herb toy French ate in lick an idiot

Doughnut even a views my ache

Rapper: Snoop Dogg

Rapper: Eminem

Rapper: Lil’ Wayne

Rapper: Ice Cube

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