WMU - Issue 1 - 9/5/2013

The Black Sheep

fre co e...li nd ke om you s. A r r nd oo to mm ot hb ate’s ru sh .

Vol. 7, Issue 1

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/5/13 - 9/11/13

GLORY TEAM BRINGS HONOR TO BRONCOS! BY: Hannah Weyer It is with great pleasure and utter pride that we report that on August the 30th the Western Michigan University football team upheld their university’s honor in the face of our ideological foe, the Michigan State Spartans. The Bronco football team, having been blessed by the God-Dragon and chosen to lead our people to victory, easily obliterated our enemy, with a final score of 387-6.

Our Highest Football Team’s victory was secure in all aspects — Our Beloved Coach Fleck was proud to have been visited in a dream the night before by Our Supreme Leader, King of All the Sun Touches, Emperor of Academia, Lord of the Dance, President Dunn. In his dream, Our Supreme Leader told Coach Fleck to go forth and bring the wrath of the Bronco unto the Spartans. Coach Fleck then turned into a fabulous unicorn, like Rarity the Best Pony.

All these signs assured Our Beloved Coach and his advisors of our victory, and when our Adored Football Team won the coin toss, we knew that we could not fail.

The MSU Spartans are disgraceful swine, not even fit to inhabit the same football field as Our Beloved Broncos. It is only because of the mercy of Our Benevolent Leader acting through Coach Fleck that they were spared their wretched lives. His Benevolence is inspiring — even when the filthy Spartans tried to cheat in the third quarter, Our Treasured Coach remained magnanimous and allowed them the touchdown for their own ignoble pride.

Our Beloved Team, surely chosen by the Great GodDragon for their ferocity, their intelligence, their strength and their tenacity, touched every down and quartered every back with a demigod-like superiority over the sub-human Spartans. In the first quarter, in just 15 minutes, Our Supreme Broncos scored 21 touchdowns, stampeding over our morally-corrupt foe as the Divine Avatars they are. At

one point, the cheating swine knocked the football to the ground, but having been chosen to lead Our Faithful Broncos to victory, the ball refused to be held by the Great Liars, jumping miraculously from the worthless Spartan lineman’s arms to Our Divine Running Back, Fabian Johnson, who was waiting in the end zone, certain of his success.

In the second quarter, in a gesture of sportsmanship the Spartans remain unworthy of, Our Benevolent Leader insisted through Our Beloved Coach Fleck that Our Cherished Broncos play wronghanded, to even the playing field. The Spartans remained unable to score against Our Superior Broncos, fumbling every ball and feebly tossing the football into Our Divine Broncos’ arms in a humiliating show of doglike understanding of the Great God-Dragon’s most Beloved of Games. In the second quarter, Our Extraordinary Broncos scored 11 touchdowns, bringing the score to 224-0.

At halftime, the Spartan Marching Band regaled the masses with their interpretation of what Our Glorious Bronco Marching Band would sound like if Our Glorious Bronco Marching Band suddenly had simultaneous seizures that rendered their fingers and tongues inoperable. It was a great success.

In the third quarter, the most disgraceful of liars, Spartan Coach Dantonio shamed Our Glorious Leader by cheating most foully, casting a spell on the Honorable Referees to call a third down a “touchdown.” Despite the outrage on our part at this unworthy insult to Our Divine Leader, Our Most High Broncos remained stoic, mercifully allowing this single, dastardly insult in a most charitable fashion. In a show of lenience, Our Honorable Coach merely cursed the Unscrupulous Deceiver with ten years of impotence. At the end of the quarter, the score read 273-6.

In the final quarter, to avenge Our Glorious Leader on the inferior Spartan dogs, Our Beloved Broncos scored 16 touchdowns, back to back, in the final 15 minutes, easily crushing our wicked enemies under the Great Hoof of Buster the Bronco and of the Great God-Dragon. In a show of humility, the unworthy Spartan team begged forgiveness of Our Mighty Broncos and Our Wonderful Leader, offering their lives to pay for their transgressions. But to the powerful Bronco, the lives of ants mean noth-

ing. The inconsequential Spartans were spared the wrath of Our Most Merciful Leader through Our Divine Coach Fleck and allowed to play the season against other inferior teams.

The first home game for Our Splendid Broncos will be September 7th against Nicholls at Waldo Stadium. Attendance is mandatory for all WMU students.

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How to: Become a Superhero

Top 10: Ways Superheros Get Ready for the School Year

The Black Sheep Interviews: A Moped Bro

Having an indestructible liver might be a useful super power, but the naming options are limited.

We tried to fit in titanium condoms, but they don't come in Super Size.

Well, it was more like an interrogation, but we needed some answers.

Keep Up With Us! @Black_Sheep_WMU • theblacksheeponline.com

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>> Table of Contents << 6

page 6: WMU Students, Staff, Thrilled Over Bronco Mall Redesign >> We LOVE paying thousands of dollars each per semester for vanity projects! It's the BEST! page 7: On the streets >> If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in? page 13: High School Sweethearts still going strong >> Well, as far as they know.

pages 14-15: The Least Anticipated Albums of Fall 2013 >> From Jack Johnson to Drake, we look at the albums that we probably won’t look at again. page 16: Bartender of the Week >> Stephanie from The Grotto would be cool without ever having a left ear.

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How to:

Become a superhero

By: Elizabeth Raffa

Need some help getting you though yet another semester? Ask yourself the age-old question: Which super power would you benefit from the most? Think of what you could do with the ability to read minds during an exam, or if you could run to class across campus in 0.2 seconds… and need we discuss the benefits of invisibility? You might think becoming a superhero is an impossible feat here in a little ol’ Kalamazoo, but oh boy are you stupid. Here’s how you become a superhero: Exposure: The most popular way to gain super powers — exposure to “dangerous” substances and situations — is time-tested and heroproven. Peter Parker’s method of exposure was a radioactive spider, Captain America was injected with some wicked awesome steroids, and Batman had a shitload of money. With a few simple techniques, you can be just like them.

Find some extreme source of energy. Be it a questionable liquid in the Chemistry Building, some poisonous reptiles, a large vat of chemicals dumped in the beautiful waters of Michigan, or a friend with a time machine, any of these things will help you in your quest for retrieving powers of the super variety. That being said, no one will laugh if you go to Schneider, pour soup on your head and declare yourself “Souper Man.” NO ONE. If you have a source of income like Bill Gates and haven’t used it to genetically alter your DNA or create Iron Man armor then you’re spending your money wrong.

Eat strange food from Bella Vida or Flossie’s. You are bound to eat some sort of parasite that will eventually infect your white blood cells, giving you telekinesis over plastics. It’s science.

Hero or Villain?: Once you’re properly doused in radiation and have an unattainable weapon within your bloodstream, you get to choose between good and evil. Are you a vigilante, ridding Kalamazoo of criminals who want to see the world burn, or are you the one burning the world? Think about your life goals, why did you do this in the first place? Was it for love, power, or just to get through college without having to sleep and still survive toxic levels of alcohol and homework?

If you’re doing this for selfish reasons then we give you credit for being a hero to yourself. Keep in mind that with every hero there is a villain, and vice versa. Your arch-nemesis in the real world will inevitably come to haunt you in your super world, therefore it’s very important to make it known which side of the line you stand.

Think hard about your super name. The name you give yourself must reflect everything you have become since your awesome and admittedly dangerous transformation (radioactivity might have a few side effects). Any of the powers that you have acquired should have something to do with your name, like Magneto, or Buster Bronco. But try not to be too boring and cliché (cough Aquaman cough cough) — we’re trying to impress the world here, not make them shake their heads in pity and disgust.

Think even harder about your super disguise. You don’t want everybody recognizing you when you go grocery shopping at the super-

market, especially if you’re anything like Spiderman, trying to live a normal life in abnormal circumstances while protecting the city from danger and avoiding getting put into jail yourself. So find your alternate identity. Because your super abilities are the real you (not that you could ever understand my soul, MOM), it’ll be easiest to disguise yourself as a regular person. Have a super spandex suit that doesn’t get in the way of your super agility when you’re off saving the world, and normal civies for school. And make sure you do something different with your hair in both personalities. Glasses too, don’t forget the glasses! No one will recognize you if you wear glasses.

With that, you should be well on your way to becoming the badass superhero or villain that you really are, and acing all of your classes while technically not cheating on your math test.

WMU Students, Staff, Thrilled

Over Bronco Mall Redesign KALAMAZOO- Western Michigan University students have just returned to Kalamazoo for the new school year, and already students and staff of the prestigious university are buzzing about the new layout in the Bronco Mall, one of the school’s many fashionable, brightly lit lounges.

The redesign of the Bronco Mall is estimated to cost upwards of $0.

“I mean, that’s how much I spent reupholstering my furniture,” said senior Shana Wright. “My roommate passed out and peed all over my futon one night, so we sprayed it with Febreze and put a towel down. But the Bronco Mall looks like it cost more than that, like $5 at least.

It’s great that the school understands what high standards college students have for our study areas!”

WMU has not issued a statement about the Bronco Mall’s redesign yet, but only because, as an excited secretary told us, they “want to let students find out on their own!”

“Students expect a lot out of their tuition,” the secretary told TBS. “And donors expect a lot out of their donations. We’re very thankful that we have so much revenue, so when we have extra after paying our staff, scholarships, building costs etc., we like to give everyone a little something special as a treat!”

“Every time I think about a student coming to the Bronco Mall for the first time since last year,” she said, “I just get so happy! I can’t wait to see their faces when we show them how much we appreciate their tens of thousands of dollars investment!”

By: black sheep staff

8.) Stock Up on Orphans: Orphans are the cheapest, most valuable source of labor this side of Oompa Loompas, and if they were orphaned by your nemesis, all the better — that angst will serve them well, both when fighting evil and when writing your philosophy essays for you. The orphan sidekick life expectancy is pretty short, so stock up while they’re in season.

7.) Assign an Understudy: You can try to schedule your crime fighting around your school schedule, but the fact of the matter is it’s impossible to predict when your archenemy will attack your requisite love interest’s apartment building, especially since you have to turn off your phone for tests. Because you’re an irresponsible guardian, your orphan sidekick doesn’t go to school, so you can have him take on the cape while you’re learning about post-Soviet political systems.

was fine the way it was, but apparently I was wrong then, too. So I’m not that surprised that I was wrong about liking the Bronco Mall last year. I just wish there was a way to make it cost more!”

The sentiment appears to be universal on campus, even among university staff.

6.) Schedule Public Appearances: Most superheroes are wary of making public appearances, both because they’re suspicious of unmasking attempts and because they fight for justice — not for money.

But do you have any idea how much money you can make just by showing up at a bar for free drinks? It might even be enough to buy latest edition textbooks. The luxury!

5.) Have an Affair: It would be unethical for mild-mannered Jane Doe to sleep with her computer sciences professor for a higher grade! An outrage, really! But, if the Western Avenger, say, were to give him a hand, so to speak, in exchange for the opportunity to talk to him about her good friend Jane… well, there’s no actual rule against that, is there?

“This is just perfect,” said a professor who has to work a second job over the summer to pay her bills. “I work better in a newly reupholstered chair, so the students get more from me. And my students tend to retain more information when sitting next to a brand new wall where there wasn’t a wall before, so they get more out of their surroundings! Western has found the best of all possible solutions. I don’t know how they do it.”

4.) Join a Coalition: It may well be part of your super identity’s appeal that you’re a loner, stalking the streets after the bars close, like a dark angel, a lone wolf with a heart full of pain. Chicks eat that shit up.

So the idea of joining forces with those brightly-colored, cheerful, punning superheroes might be repulsive, but it’ll lighten your hero load, keep you organized and help your public image. And we hear the Golden Brain is super generous with calculus help.

“Sure, it would be nice to get paid a little more so I’m not living paycheck to paycheck. And it might be nice to give students a little break on tuition and books — I remember being a student, and five dollars here or there can be the difference between ramen for dinner and sleeping with your neighbor just so you can steal ramen from his kitchen while he’s asleep.

But we don’t live in the ‘nice’ world. We live in the real world, and in the real world, those chairs were fugly.”

2.) Practice your Alter Ego Story: Some professors like to play a little game called “Force Students to Group Up with Total Strangers for Grades.” This is exhausting if you’ve spent the last six hours punching criminals in the throat, so when your partner cheerily asks you about yourself, DO NOT just reveal your secret identity to shut her up. Deliver a well-practiced speech: “Hello. I am a normal student like you and I do normal student things, such as: study; nourish self; and admire the Crimson Wasp’s sculpted ass.”

3.) Volunteer: Heroing isn’t just fighting crime anymore. It’s donating your super blood to the Red Cross, walking orphan puppies, cooking for the homeless, driving drunk people home so they don’t have to, raising money for schools and cleaning up around campus. It sounds lame, and it is, but with so many villains going back to class too, volunteering might be the most hero action you see anymore.

Perhaps no one is more excited about the Bronco Mall redesign than incoming freshmen.

The Bronco Mall redesign comes on the heels of the Bernhard Center dining hall redesign last year and New Sangren Hall the previous two years.

“Oh, wow!” 18-year-old Robert Evans said. “This must be where everyone goes to study! Look, it even has a Mediterranean restaurant! And a stage? They must have events down here all the time! I bet it gets way crowded once the school year gets underway! Are these chairs new? I can’t believe I get to go to school in such a classy place! HEY EVERYONE! EVERYTHING IS THE BEST!”

“I thought Sangren Hall was fine the way it was,” said Martin. “But I was wrong. I thought the BHC

At press time, Evans had just been hit in the head with an empty Bigby coffee cup.

06

Ten

9.) Utility Belt: Being fashionably prepared isn’t just for Batmen anymore. Load up on everything from smoke bombs for a quick getaway, to spare pencils in case your neighbor forgot hers. With great belt comes great responsibility.

“Look at these chairs!” exclaimed junior Alicia Eccleson. “I love the flower print! It’s way better than that lame-o fabric we had covering these chairs in April! Even last year that print was, like, so last year.”

Added Martin, “It’s just really great seeing your tuition at work, you know?”

Top

Ways Superheroes get ready for the school year

10.) New Civies: Sometimes it’s tempting to win your classmates’ respect by showing up to class in your brightly colored spandex and your incognito mask. Too tempting. With brand new duds and a new pair of mild-mannered citizen glasses, you won’t need to resort to cheap gimmicks to impress that brainy hottie with the ass that won’t quit!

By: Hannah Weyer

Senior Kurt Martin couldn’t believe how great the Mall looked. “Seriously, I thought that after last year's redesign of Bernhard Center dining area we wouldn’t get anything redecorated for a while, but this is a great surprise! What a treat!”

The

1.) Set Up a "Hero-Card" Jar: This school year is going to be stressful, what with fighting your nemesis, the mountain of homework and trying to make enough money to feed your orphans. Oh, did you already forget you have orphans? That’s why you need to set up a way for them to feed themselves.

Every time you let slip your secret identity, either accidentally or for personal gain, put a dollar in the jar. Every week, your orphans can take the money and buy themselves a burger to share. You’re such a good person.

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The black sheep interviews:

A moped bro

By: black sheep staff The Black Sheep recently had the chance to cover a very serious issue. An issue you may not have been aware of. It’s Moped Bros. They’ve had it with societal condemnation. A young man should be able to have a totally sweet time on the back of his bro’s sick moped without fear of being judged. But nothing’s being done to quell this aforementioned judgment, and one brave, young man has had enough. He agreed to an interview with The Black Sheep to make aware the plight of the Moped Bros., and we couldn’t be more thrilled. In this interview, he will remain anonymous, of course. But we will say his name rhymes with…Bravis.

The Black Sheep: Hey, [redacted]. How’ve you been?

Anonymous Moped Bro: I’ve been doing pretty good. Really, just a great week all around. This room smells kinda funny, though.

TBS: Uh-huh. And how does that make you feel?

AMB: Huh? TBS: Do you feel subjugated? Patronized by society? You must be so ashamed.

AMB: What?

TBS: It’s okay. You have nothing to be afraid of.

You’re not alone anymore.

AMB: Guy, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

TBS: Well, I can see that the subject is a bit… personal for you. That’s fine. It’s perfectly normal to be defensive at a time like this. Let’s move on.

When did you realize you were a Moped Bro? AMB: I’m still not totally sure what that means.

TBS: That’s great. So, [redacted], let’s get to brass tacks. What exactly is a “Moped Bro” to you?

AMB: Excuse me?

TBS: It means the injustice being directed towards you is pungent. We’re not going to stand for that. We’re here to help.

AMB: I don’t want your help. I want to get out of here. Get this light out of my face.

TBS: The term “Moped Bro.” Does it resonate with you?

AMB: I mean, like, sometimes my friend, [redacted], gives me a ride to school on his moped, if that’s what you mean. He drives; I ride in the back. We do it to save on a bit of gas. What are we doing here?

TBS: Wait, [redacted]! We need you for this. There are so many out there just like you. They need you; someone to stand up for them! If you don’t stop this madness, who will?

AMB: Again, I’m still not clear on what the “madness” is.

TBS: Why, the subjugation and objectification of Moped Bros.! Surely that’s why you agreed to this interview. To help put a stop to it.

AMB: I thought this was a sleep study.

TBS: We’ll get to that later.

AMB: I just want to go home.

TBS: I think you’ll find that quite difficult with the thrice locked door.

AMB: What?

TBS: And the room being windowless and all.

AMB: Oh, my god. You’re actually insane.

TBS: Hey! Don’t you judge me! I bust my ass trying to help you and your kind and this is the thanks I get? The goddamn stink-eye?

AMB: Dude, you’re scaring me.

TBS: You’re damn right I am. This is Bad Cop. Want me to go back to Good?

AMB: Look, guy, I’m sure you’re super chill and all, but…I think there’s a bit of a misunderstanding here.

TBS: What’s to misunderstand? You’re a bro and also you ride on a moped with your bro. You’re a Moped Bro. AMB: Yeah, but…I guess I didn’t really think about –

TBS: I will flay you!

AMB: Jesus, man!

TBS: Sorry, went back to Bad way too quickly.

AMB: Really, I just want to go home.

TBS: But…I can’t go back to HQ with nothing.

They might actually flay me.

AMB: Well, I’m really sorry man – TBS: Just… give me a quote. Give me something!

AMB: Uh, leave the Moped Bros. alone?

There you have it folks, right from the mouth of our anonymous source. Your assortment of apathy and contempt for the Moped Bros. is literally killing them.

This problem ends with you. Please, let the Moped Bros. go.

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High School Sweethearts

Still Going Strong (as Far as They Know) By: Black Sheep Staff

Three weeks into their now-long distance relationship, a high school couple who vowed to “make things work” in spite of attending two different universities claim that things are “still going well” and “could never be better” … as far as they know.

With Katie going to the University of Iowa and Daniel at WMU, the pair who started their seven-month relationship during senior year at a suburban Detroit public high school figured that the whatever-hour drive between each other would be “tough” at first but ultimately “worth the challenge.” It’s been theorized that Daniel was tenderly rubbing Katie’s shoulder when he first said this, following with a sweet peck on the cheek.

“It’s just what feels right at this point in our lives, you know?” said Daniel, after getting settled into his room in Forbes Hall. “We both love each other very much and there’s no doubting we’ll need each other for support when the distance gets overwhelming. But at the same time, we both need to grow and experience college. Hopefully that’s something we can do together.”

During his first few weeks at WMU, Daniel has blacked out for the first four times in his life, gotten high with his floormates on a nightly basis, made an ass out of himself pole dancing at a house party, fell face-first after pole dancing, received his first drinking ticket, and found himself knuckle-deep in a girl from the same high school who he’d never really talked to before despite sexual tension that’s totally been developing between them for years now.

Katie and Daniel chat on Skype frequently in order to plan their bi-monthly visits with each other, which have since turned to once a month “if they’re lucky,” since their schedules

are getting “pretty hectic around this time of the year.” Roommates of the couple state that, when Skyping, Daniel and Katie lock their respective rooms for a few hours, likely masturbating to each other awkwardly with headphones on. When the two of them ask each other how their social lives have been, they both respond with something along the lines of: “It’s okay. I’ve gone out a few times, but they were nothing special … I miss you, though!”

the first time since not seeing him for less than a month. Though they had the whole Kalamazoo area at their disposal, Daniel did not take Katie to any bars or parties, since he found that scene “sort of obnoxious and immature,” to which Katie hesitantly agreed.

Instead, Daniel treated her to dinner at Menna's, and the two of them walked handin-hand to rent a nice Adam Sandler romantic comedy and two other animated movies they wouldn’t end up watching.

During Katie’s first few weeks at Iowa, she has had her eyes set on rushing several sororities, showed up to her ANTH 101 lecture hungover with her heels and wristband still on from the night before, Snapchatted nudes of herself to that sophomore living a few floors down from her, has incessantly bitched about her weird roommate who “never goes out because of anxiety or some bullshit,” and engaged in a threesome with a mystery man and who she thinks was another girl she met at a house party.

When Spanglish’s credits were rolling, Daniel’s roommate asked him if he wanted to pass his bottle of Burnett’s around for a couple swigs.

Daniel looked at Katie, politely declined, and retorted saying, “Nah, it’s not really my thing, man.” Katie smiled, and the two looked into each other’s eyes with gigantic lumps in their throats for three straight hours talking about how they couldn’t imagine spending time with anyone else. Afterward, they walked to Insomnia Cookies and talked about how much they hated “irritating drunk people” and how they were glad to both be “waiting until 21” to drink.

It’s also been reported that if Katie is approached at the bars by an unsightly guy, she will immediately pull the “sorry, I have a boyfriend” card to impede him from dry humping her leg like a neutered Pomeranian.

If the guy is a solid 7.5 out of 10 or higher, she is said to forget that Daniel ever existed.

“Daniel’s a really sweet guy,” said Katie after a two-and-a-half hour Skype sex session. “I know most people say that high school relationships don’t really work out in college, but I really can’t imagine what my life would be without a guy like him. Plus, it’s nice to have a mutual understanding of our freedoms so we don’t suffocate each other.”

Just last weekend, Katie visited Daniel for

After her departure, Katie wiped away her tears on the road before responding to her inbox filled to the brim with booty-call messages and texts-upon-texts of “hey,” “hey were are u,”“no seriousl though i love you Karl,” “Katie* sorry im drunk ahahas,” and “hey can i get another tit pic ;)?”

Daniel also took Katie’s leaving hard but licked his emotionally pussified wounds by spending the rest of the night on pornhub.com. After watching dozens of “WILD COLLEGE GIRLS PARTAKE MASSIVE ORGY”-titled videos, Daniel began to rethink his relationship with Katie upon seeing how “totally easy” college girls can be.

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The Least-Anticipated 2013 has been a fantastic year for music. With great new releases from Youth Lagoon, Chance The Rapper, Vampire Weekend, Pity Sex, Major Lazer and The World is a Beautiful Place & I am no Longer Afraid to Die, you would hope the final third of this year of our lord has something great in store.

Hall of Fame Big Sean - August 27th Big Sean is a hack who pairs a massive ego with miniscule rhymes. Dude raps like he has a mouth full of wind chimes and his best song has a Nicki Minaj verse on it. Big Sean is on that CyHi level on G.O.O.D Music where you just wonder why the hell Ye’ still keeps him on there, but at least CyHi has “Ray-Ban Vision” and his verse on “So Appalled.” Big Sean’s claim to fame is the phrase “ass quake.” Next time someone tells you that the Detroit mixtape is one of the best albums of 2012, break their jaw.

Big Sean thinks his verse on “Control” (which won’t even be on the album) was better than Kendrick’s or Jay Electronica’s because Big Sean is the EXACT type of pompous jackass who would read how much praise someone besides him is getting on a song he’s on, jealous about the pub, then he says he’s better. He’s the guy who not only will jump off the bridge if everyone else is doing it, but he’ll jump off the Ambassador Bridge, claim that it was cooler than everyone else who jumped off the Golden Gate, and say that anyone who disagrees is a hater.

Prediction: Certified Platinum

Speaking of taking a plunge, Big Sean needs to find a void to fall in, never to return to plague us with rhymes as lame as “Now we out in Paris, yeah I'm Perriering / White girls politicking, that's that Sarah Palin.” Every day, nursing home geriatrics take shits hotter than the best Big Sean verse out there. This album is going to absolutely suck, yet will go platinum, making it a commercial success but an absolute waste of musical talent surrounding Sean Michael Anderson. Not even production from arguably the hottest producer out right now in Hit-Boy, who created the beat for “Goldie,” “N***s in Paris,” and “Clique,” can save Big Sean from audibly tripping over his own feet trying to pronounce a word with more than two syllables.

From Here to Now to You Jack Johnson - (September 17th) Everyone listening to this album will be too stoned or too stupid to realize that Jack Johnson is the worst. Every single Jack Johnson song sounds the same. That sentiment gets used often in music, but never has it been quite so apt. Seriously, go put on Jack Johnson Radio on Pandora or something and try to figure out when one song ends and another begins. We’ll wait. Oh you fell asleep already? Sorry about that.

We need another Jack Johnson album like we need another Olive Garden. The parallells between the two are eerie. There are already plenty, and they're all perfectly mediocre and should never be utilized by sentient beings, yet there’ll always be someone convinced to go back for the breadsticks. Or something like that. The next album has just about zero chance to be any different. If Jack Johnson suddenly becomes something other than generic shitty stoner guitar music, it would cause a rip in the space-time continuum, letting in massive terrifying, spliffed monsters that would demand all of our couches and all of our Cheetos. If he drops something that’s not bland guitar and soft vocals, we’d be more frightened than impressed. Expect more of the same, unfortunately. Maybe he will just re-release “Banana Pancakes” and stretch it for like 45 minutes. That’s probably better than whatever this will be.

Prediction: Certified OG Kush

Albums of Fall 2013 Unfortunately, you would be wrong, as there is plenty of music scheduled to be released that is sure to be nothing short of an atrocity.

Here are the five albums I’m least excited for in the Fall of 2013. By: Noel Purcell

Nothing Was the Same Drake - September 24th

This Is...Icona Pop Icona Pop - September 24th

Untitled Fourth Studio Album

Stupid Drake. He still has that same monotone drawl that lulls you to sleep, and that same boring, lazy flow that makes him perfect in every generic white girl’s sex playlist on Spotify, nestled in between The Weeknd and “Burn” by Usher. The evolution of Drake has been commercial rather than musical, because in the end he is still exactly what he was when Best I Ever Had dropped in 2009: a soft, shitty, whiny fuckboy.

Man, “I Love It” was a fun song for like ten minutes, wasn’t it? It started getting serious play after being featured on episodes of both Snooki & JWoww and Girls, which is as bad of an omen as there is. It was catchy and fun and easy; it was basically the perfect piece of pop music.

Then you heard it another fifty times, and after a while a chorus of sorority girls screaming “I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT!” and hounding you to change the song for three hours haunts your dreams and you wake up in a cold sweat, longing for the days where you could just say “sorry we don’t have the CD burned for it yet.” This is a song whose single release, in various formats, has produced no less than 21 different remixes. 21. Talk about sucking the fat teat of fame dry.

There is no more boring, yet more universally praised album in 2010 than The Suburbs. “But it won a Grammy!” you say as we laugh in your face because using a Grammy as a measuring stick for the merit of a piece of music is like using the 30-inch rims on a guy’s Escalade as a measurement for his dick size. Remember, LMFAO has two Grammy nominations. Cut it out.

Between the overrated, overstated, and wholly underwhelming cryfest that is Take Care and the absolute trainwreck that is “Started From the Bottom” (a song so soft that white bread suburban teenagers sipping bottles of Moet poolside while the maids clean the house took to it like ducks to water) the odds that we end up with anything more than a Charmin Ultra Soft disc’s worth of music is merely wishful thinking. The album covers don’t bode well for this thing not sucking. That shit looks like what you’d get if you told someone to make a Drake album cover specifically designed to make fun of the other Drake album covers. He took the Nas/Biggie/Weezy route of the baby picture and then, in classic Drake fashion, made it the absolute softest and most uncool shit humanly possible, but 17-year old white girls will be all “Oh my god he’s so sensitive, this is what all hip-hop should be” while they finger themselves to pictures of Matthew McConaughey, watch Gilmore Girls, and search Pinterest to design their dream wedding.

Drake has officially earned the crown of the lamest rapper on the planet.

Prediction: Certified Double Platinum

Icona Pop is perfectly harmless as a synthpop duo, which is exactly why we’re not anticipating this album’s release.

They say they’re trying new things and that it “Won’t be an album of 16 songs like ‘I Love It’,” which is exactly where they are messing up. True, they caught lightning in a bottle, and true Charli XCX (who was the reason “I Love It” was as successful as it was) is not a permanent member of the band, but if you can make quality, catchy pop music, stick to it. In the end they can either end up as a generic one-hit wonder that more or less encapsulated the spring of 2013, try something new and probably fail, or they stick to their strategy make another successful, catchy pop song. They don’t seem to want to do the last one, so this album will be the beginning of perpetual dissatisfaction for the entirety of the life of this band.

Prediction: Silver Record

Arcade Fire - Oct. 29th

Now, there are plenty of reasons one should be anticipating this album. LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy has been in the studio with Arcade Fire, recording them in his DFA studio! Funeral was really good! Win Butler does cool things with his hair! Wrong, oh so wrong.

Pouring hype into this album will just leave you utterly disappointed when you hear 22 songs that sound like “We Used to Wait,” causing you to give up all hope in what you used to call indie music. Before you know it you’ll start listening to Lady Gaga religiously. Arcade Fire is the go-to “real” band for faux hipster girls who like to wear Indian headdresses and roll at MGMT concerts.

It takes a lot to make Wayne Coyne think you’re an asshole, and these guys found a way. Enjoy what will surely be a universally-panned, yet ultimately completely mediocre piece of profitable “indie” rock, while you pretend you know who Brian Eno is. This album is going to eat a dick.

Prediction: Certified Platinum

Bartender of the Week Relationship status: I’m not wearing a ring!

What was your first CD?: I think it was New Kids on the Block?

Favorite drink: Blueberry vodka and sugar free Red Bull.

If you had to, which appendage would you cut off?: My left ear, I need everything else to work!

Favorite shot: Tequila. It’s a love of mine.

Gross Shot: Oh, there’s a lot. Lots of 21st birthdays. But I’ll go Prairie fire: tequila and hot sauce.

Tricky bartenders: cool/not cool?: Cool. It’s all about the entertainment!

Some people can get drunk just staring at a wall, but that’s not what a bar’s for!

Title of a show based on your school: I’m from MSU- “Sparty Live!”

Do you do tricks?: I entertain with my conversation!

Describe twerking in 5 words or less: Miley Cyrus at the VMAs.

What’s the worst prank you’ve seen at a party?: Filling a beer bottle with urine and putting the cap back on.

What rumor would you like to start about yourself?: That I’m 22!

Stephanie of The Grotto

What do you wish people cared less about?: U of M!

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s goes great with the bar scene. The Black Sheep is all about having a good time too!

Recipe for disaster

Drinking Game Liar's Dice

Big Boy Chili

We all lie, whether it’s to our parents as to why we’re so tired, or to our friends as to why making out with that uggo was a totally reasonable thing to do. Translate that love for deceit into a game of gambling: Liar’s Dice.

It’s football season, bitches. If you’re not out standing in the stadium, cheering on your team like a MAN, then you better be inside in front of the TV with a six pack and a tub of chili. Oh, no chili? We got you covered.

What You’ll Need: Six dice per player, one opaque cup per player, some beer.

Number of Players: 2+ Level of Intoxication: You’ll be asking what’s the haps on the craps (in your pants).

What You’ll Need: Oil, a crockpot, a frying pan, ground beef, a can of diced tomatoes, 4 cans of kidney beans, a can of tomato paste, chopped onions, a can of beef broth, chili powder, sliced hot dogs, brown sugar and garlic Cook Time: About 3 hours, be patient Fatty Factor: MEN DON’T COUNT CALORIES

How to Play: • The object of the game is to be the last player with any dice left.

• Each player rolls a die. The highest score will be the first person to act for the first hand. Each hand first to act rotates left of this person.

• Now, each player uses the cup to shake up his or her dice. Each player places the cup top-down on the table. Each player secretly looks at his dice. Twos through sixes are worth face value. Ones are wild.

• The first player to act must make a bet on the number and quantity of the set of dice on the table.

For example, a bettor can claim “there are four sixes at the table.”

• The player to the left of the first bettor may do one of three things: • Increase the number of total dice on the table (raising four sixes to seven sixes, for example).

• Increase the dice value (Raise three twos to three threes).

• Challenge (Stop play, dice are revealed to see if the most recent bettor wins or loses).

• If a challenge occurs and there are equal or greater numbers of dice on the table than the last bettor (including wilds), he or she wins. If there is less than the total number of gambled dice on the table, the challenger wins.

• The loser of the challenge removes a die and drinks for three seconds.

The Game Ends When: Only one player has any dice left.

Let’s Get Baked: • In the frying pan, break up and cook the ground beef in a little oil until it is browned.

• Turn on your crockpot to medium heat and add in the beef and hot dog slices with the tomatoes, tomato paste, half of your beans and beef broth.

• Cover the pot and let the chili simmer for about an hour.

• Add in the remainder of ingredients (the other half of the beans, onion, chili powder, brown sugar and garlic) and continue to let the chili cook on the low setting, covered for another hour and half.

• Taste test! Make sure it’s hot and flavored nicely. If not, make the adjustments.

YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR WOMAN MAKE THIS FOR YOU.

Great, you won. Now head to confession, sinner.

download our free app for all the games!

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madlib

Meeting Your roommate’s parents

Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at

___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.

and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.

But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.

Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time!

1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat

8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time

14: Average dude’s name 15: Drug 16: Local pizza place 17: Your birthday 18: Drinking game 19: Local athletic celebrity

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20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10

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