The Black Sheep
a as s fre fre e a e a st s y he ou wi r t nd ho blo ng w sh s, ow s...
Vol. 7, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Help!
9/12/13 - 9/25/13
I'm lost at bronco bash!
BY: Hannah Weyer Excuse me? Not now, freshman, we’re checking out that cute guy with the puppy.
noobs! Let’s just find your friends. Where was the last time you saw Kyle and Alicia?
Could just tell me if you’ve seen my friends… Are your friends also annoying little mood killers?
Kevin and Alyssa. We were by the froyo table getting coupons. One moment I was organizing all my fliers and coupons, the next, Kevin was gone. Did you call for him?
Sorry, I’ll ask someone else. Wait, hang on. We forgot that this paper is for helping. We can be helpful.
Well, yeah, but have you seen this place? I can’t even hear myself think. Fair enough. And where’d Alexis go?
Is it because that guy with the puppy is macking on… three other girls at the same time? Irrelevant. Tell us your troubles.
We were looking for Kevin, I heard Alyssa say “Oh! Puppy!” And then she was gone. Ha. Freshmen. So easy to trick.
I came to Bronco Bash with Kevin and Alyssa because our RA told us it would be better to stay in a group of friends. Your RA is very wise. Bronco Bash is like college trick-or-treating — you get a bunch of free stuff from strangers that you’re either gonna eat/use for breakfast or forget about at the bottom of your drawer for months until it isn’t good anymore, and at the end of the night you can trade your stuff with your friends.
What? Don’t worry about Annabel. She’s probably off awkwardly flirting with the puppy guy. Freshmen are not as smart as real people and they’re easy to trick into second base.
But I lost my friends. Are you crying? No! Just relax. It’s going to be okay. It’s just, this is my first time away from home and I miss my cat and I don’t know anyone in Kalamazoo, and yesterday I tried to do laundry but I put the money in the wrong machine, so… Goddamn you, freshman! Pull it together! I have so many feelings! That is what tequila is for! Jesus, freaking
Wait, weren’t you trying to flirt with a guy with a puppy? No, we were checking him out. The difference is shut up. But she’ll be okay? You’re just determined to beaver dam the world, aren’t you? Amanda will be fine. It’s very hard to molest someone in the middle of Bronco Bash. Why isn’t that reassuring? Worry is a bad feeling. And what do we do when we have those? …Tequila? Good freshman. What about Kevin? Hard to say. Bronco Bash has something for everyone, so he could be anywhere. What’s
he like? I actually don’t really know. We’ve only had German together. What even… you came to Bronco Bash with a classmate? He’s cool! Oh, great. That narrows it down to the cool table. We know just where that is. Where? God, you’re dumb. Kevin did mention something about finding the Red Cross table to get his
blood typed. And he wanted to find the Time Lord Association, too. Good. Good leads. Real quick. Is Kenny a boy?
Hold on, I’m getting a text… it’s from Kevin! Oh, shit, we forgot we were in the 21st century!
Kevin is a boy, yes. We know exactly where he is.
“Where r u.” I’m… wait. Where am I? Look at the time. We’ve gotta get back to the The Black Sheep booth. Good luck finding Kirk and Arianna!
What? How? Inflatable jousting. Inflatable jousting, OF COURSE! Testosterone cannot resist the allure of oversized, brightly colored violence. Run along, little freshman. Go be with your-
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How to Create: A Hypothetical Business
If horror is the new sexy, we have a professor we'd like to introduce you to.
Required materials: tequila, Svedka, PBR and a half completed business degree.
Wait, come back! Where are we? Where am I supposed to go? What should I do? Help! I need an adult! Remember, kids: if you or a friend get lost during the Bronco Bash festivities, don’t be an idiot.
pages 14-15
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