WMU - Issue 4 - 10/10/2013

The Black Sheep

ho fre me e... co lik m eH sc ing. A erpe re en nd a s on ing ls s. o S TD

Vol. 7, Issue 4

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

10/10/13 - 10/23/13

Break-ups and you He didn't deserve you anyway BY: sara czarnecki Everyone experiences rejection — be it from our jobs, our friends or that goddamn ass-fart Jim Morton and his stupid-ass face. Rejection is just a part of life, and since there’s no point in letting life ruin life for you, you can’t let it break your heart and turn you into a volcano of hate or a cheap Taylor Swift knockoff. So what is a less-than-or-equal-to-drinking-age young adult supposed to do with their feelings?

Drink: You just had your heart torn out of your chest, and stomped on, and sprayed with pepper spray, and doused in gasoline, and set on fire, and chewed on by a rabid deer, and thrown against the canvas of a tormented artist, and tossed in the street, and run over by a monster truck, and exposed to no less than six kinds of electromagnetic radiation, and shoved back into your chest cavity by some ass-hat that never cleans under his damn nails. There is someone in this town who will buy you a drink.

Call Them: “You know whad Jim? Fluck you! You didda even know how much I frickin gave you! Go on, find some tramp’ll pud up wif yer shiiid, Jim! I dune’en need you! If I ever see yer douche-crapper face agai’, I’mma punch it in id’s face, an’ when it pops off yer neck, I’mma roun’house kick it in th’ jaw super hard, and then I’mma run all th’ way ‘roun’ the worl’ tuh kick it again b’fore it hits th’ groun’, an’ I’mma jus’ play tennis wif yer head wif m’self until yer ass-fartdildo face explodes all over yer bitch muhver. Call me when you get this.”

Figure out How to Delete Someone Else’s Voicemail: Oh, shit, you just drunk-dialed your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/boss/BFF/professor/roommate/ senator! Why did you go for tequila? Why did you stop using your phone for Candy Crush? Why did you even wake up this morning? Okay, calm down. You can

fix this. All you have to do is delete the message. You can do that, right? With all the miracles of technology, someone had to have invented a way to get rid of drunk phone messages at 2 in the morning before Jim Morton gets it! GOOGLE! Google will know!

You Can’t Delete Someone Else’s Voicemail: God DAMN you, nerds, what are you even doing?!?

Call to Clarify: “Heeeeeeey, Jim, listen. Tessa — you remember Tessa, right? — has been working on a really great impression of me and she got, like, so wasted tonight and she got my phone and I, like, just saw the call to you so I thought I should let you know that whatever she said, that totally wasn’t me, okay?

Tess is so funny, she just wanted to see if she could fool the man I’ve spent the last two and a half years with! Okay, just to clarify: that was Tessa that said she wanted to play tennis with your head. Not me.

Talk to you later!”

Get Bad News: Who is texting you at 2:30 in the morning? Jamie? What does she want? Doesn’t she know you’re asleep and totally not obsessing over Jim and his douche-turtle voicemail?

“OMG im sooooo sorry.”

What? Type back, “4 what?” “tess and jim left the bar 2gether :(((“ No. No way. Uh-uh. No goddamn way! That skank!

How could she do this to you?! She’s probably been trying to break you two up for months, just so she could sleep with your boyfriend! That’s why your sweet Jimmy Jams broke up with you! That pockfaced whore bewitched him!

Throw Up: Gross, did you eat an entire green pepper pizza? And… corn? When did you have corn? Ew, it’s still coming out! Oh God, why won’t you stop throw-

ing up?! Jesus, flush the toilet now so you don’t clog the system! Are you done ye- *gag*! OH GOD IT’S *gag choke gargle* IT’S JUST- shhh, no, don’t cry. It’s okay, don’t cry! You’re going to be okay! Everything’s going to be okay, calm down!

Pass Out: Are you supposed to be on your stomach so you don’t choke on your vomit? Or on your back so you don’t drown yourself in the piss puddle by the toilet? Maybe… okay, on your side, and use your shirt like a pillow. Theeeeere we go.

Remember That Your Alibi Doesn’t Work Anymore: SHITDAMNIT! Call Again: “Hey, Jim. It’s me again. Listen, about those last two voicemails — I was totally just joking with you. We’re cool, like, I still want us to be friends, so when I realized that what I said might not have sounded like a joke to you, I was like, ‘Ahh, I gotta

page 4 TV Grief and You

page 5 Top 10: Things the Fox Says

who will have the strength to stand against the forces of free time?

Mostly incomprehensible babble, but sometimes a hit song. BOOM! Take that, Fox News!

make sure he knows it was a joke,’ haha! Eenyhoo, totally call me when you get this, kay? Kay! Buh-bye!”

Call Again: “And just so you know, I’m totally cool with you and Tessa making love. Totally fine with it.

Nah, we’re all friends here, we’re all good. Call me back!”

Call Again: “Listen up, you slack-jawed-whore-bitchdildo: I don’t know what you did to convince Jimmy to leave me, but it’s not gonna work. You hear me?

Jim and I are soul mates, and once he realizes what a trashy slut you are, he’ll come right back to me and we will spend the rest of our lives laughing at your pathetic, sorry ass!”

Call Again: “Whoopsie, that last call was the wrong number! Sorry, Jim! Just joking again, haha! Yeah, so, call me!”

page 10 PLedge Cannot Believe he was lied to during rush he's facing the pain that he IS actually going to be hazed.

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#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @Black_Sheep_WMU #BadTimesMan

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Crampage

of the

You know, periods and stuff.

“Sally went on a crampage when her Midol wore off in the middle of her three-hour chemistry lab.

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @Black_Sheep_WMU First right answer wins a prize!

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved.

Tweet your answer @Black_Sheep_WMU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Calcifer’s voice actor, floating around in one of these mineral monstrosities.

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

TV Grief and You A Friendly Guide Despite being an inevitability of the human condition, grief always hits us hard. That feeling of loss and neglect used to only come with the occaisional dead friend or family member, but now with the ending of our favorite TV shows it’s now something we must constantly live with. The process is similar to that of losing a close friend, but worse, it’s like losing whole group of close friends and acquaintances — people with whom you’ve spent many a late, lonely night.

So, what do you do now that Breaking Bad, Dexter, and soon to be How I Met Your Mother is over? Have an existential crisis? Yep, pretty much!

Stage 1: Denial: “It isn’t over yet. It can’t possibly be over!” You’re absolutely confident that they will find some way to continue the series. You go on Netflix for the sole purpose of re-watching every single episode, no matter how much it hurts.

You may already know what’s going to happen, but let’s face the facts; you have a little hope that something will be different the second time around. It has to! These characters have become your friends, those people who have revealed the depths of their souls to you through some brilliant visual storytelling. They’re real to you, you truly feel their pain, and they understand yours as well.

04

By: Elizabeth Raffa

Stage 2: Anger: “This isn’t over. Not by a long shot!” No. No no no. No. You will not stand for this!

They will bring every dead character (that you liked) back to life, and they will make another season! You demand peace of mind. How dare they betray your trust? You were there for them, how dare they not be there for you. You’re in need and they’re just abandoning you. Every single one of them! Those bastards!

Stage 3: Bargaining: “Please don’t let it be over.”

You write letters suggesting an alternate ending.

You get on your knees and beg the producers to continue. You visit three fanfiction sites, just craving one more hit. You can’t live without this show!

You beg for mercy, and hope they will answer with a plot twist in the series finale that could potentially leave it open for more episodes. Or a movie?

Oh yeah, there will definitely be a movie. If only…

Stage 4: Depression: “What’s the point of living this dreary life anymore?” Up to this point you have contemplated everything you could about the characters, about how their lives would continue had the show gone on. You’ve thought about everything you could make up about them.

You think about how they would interact in your everyday life. You put them on a pedestal, while asking them for life advice. But now, now it’s time

to sleep the pain away. Eat your heart out while you mourn the death of this show. You conducted a burial service in your mind for every character involved. You may have even laid flowers on their graves and prayed for their survival in your hearts; after all, they’ve taught you so much about life.

Stage 5: Acceptance: “It’s over.” You start out slow.

Start out by watching everything you can find that your favorite characters have appeared in, no matter how small their role. Until eventually you manup, look yourself in the mirror and say, out loud,

“it’s dead and gone, and isn’t coming back no matter how hard I want it.” You may feel like a piece of your soul has forever been compromised for the sake of all your favorite characters that got killed with the finale of this TV show, but you realize that it’s time to move on, and you will always have a place for them in your heart.

Step 6: Move On: “I wonder what else is on...” Time heals all, and so too does the internet. Find yet another show to fall in love with, and start the cycle all over again.

How to: Sabotage Someone's House

At their own house party By: Ryan Shek

The

Top

Ten

Things the Fox Says By: black sheep staff

10.) RING-DING-DING-DING: Dingeringeding! Gering-ding-ding-ding dingeringeding! Gering-ding-dingding-dingeringeding!

9.) WA-PA-PA: Pa-pa-pa-pow! Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow! Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow!

It’s Saturday night, you took the weekend off work at that miserable pizzeria just to come to a friend of a friend’s house party. Your buddy told you it would kick ass. That the host would love you and all his friends were like seriously funnier than Kevin Hart. You were apprehensive at first, but he twisted your arm and you called around. You got a couple of your roommates to come with so you wouldn’t have to bear it alone, and now you’re all stuck in the basement watching each other sit. It’s a total bust. You came too late and everyone’s drunk. No one can even carry a conversation. And if things couldn’t get worse, Brett (your supposed friend), isn’t even trying. He’s upstairs with the host alienating the shit out of you. Things have yet to pick up and you’re afraid that the one night you’ve had off in months is going to be wasted.

What do you do — how can you salvage this?

Easy. Fuck the place up.

Sabotage is the one surefire way to have a good time when you’re stuck at some stranger’s pad.

But there are rules; one does not simply walk off with the party’s keg. There has to be a delicate balance between judgment and risk. You have to have grace and cunning. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep has compiled a “how to list” aimed at helping you out with this very situation.

The Bigger the Better: Have you ever driven down the same road for years; a road with a great big landmark at the end of it – maybe a willow tree, or an old barn? If so, then you’ve probably woken up one day and found that landmark suddenly gone. It’s a confusing feeling; we as people are too busy to acknowledge every monotonous aspect of our lives, especially if it’s that big and constant. And that day when the barn blew down, or that tree got cut, you were none the wiser. You knew something was different but you couldn’t quite figure out what. Your brain just didn’t register the absence. It’s science.

This phenomenon is completely applicable to fucking up somebody’s house. Instead of snapping some random DVDs in two and putting their cases back in their respective places, try stealing the furniture. No really drunk person is going to notice that the deck chairs and table are missing. They’ll only become suddenly aware of all the space. The real trick is not getting caught dragging their recliners off through the neighbor’s lawn.

Establish an Alibi: This one’s easy. You’re not going to be around the party a lot when you’re breaking the host’s shit. So it is imperative that you make people think you’re around. To do this

8.) HATEE: Hatee-hatee-ho! Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho! Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho!

all you gotta do is be louder and more noticeable for the time that you are there. If everyone’s gathered around the beer pong table, let out a shout.

Be excited and engaged. Slap some backs and ask for a celeb shot or two. That way, when the host does find the words “Ass Crank” scribbled out in soap on his bedroom wall you can just tell him “Bro, that’s fucked up. I’ve been on the table all night.”

Get a Fall Guy: This is only recommended if you plan on causing some serious mayhem and have no moral qualms about condemning the innocent. If there’s a really drunk person around, maybe even someone you know, draw unwanted attention to them. If not, find a semi-suspicious looking person with a beard and say to people “Wow, looks like Hagrid’s got the rape eyes.” The goal is not to frame someone, it’s to make people seem dubious and capable of doing the things that YOU YOURSELF have been doing for the last couple of hours.

High Risk, High Reward: There are a couple of things that you just shouldn’t mess with at somebody’s house. Only for the reason that it will get you caught. Throwing out the stereo for example.

Sure it’s fun, no doubt, but once you’ve done it you’re done. You’ll need to pack up your shit, Manson, because it’ll be Helter Skelter in there.

7). To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys.

And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world; to you, I will be unique in all the world.

6.) JOFF-TCHOFF-TCHOFFO: Tchoffo-tchoff! Tchoff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo-tchoff! Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffotchoff!

5.) JACHA-CHACHA: Chacha-chow! Chacha-chacha-chacha-chow! Chacha-chacha-chacha-chow !

4.) Here you are, you’re a liberal, probably define peace as the absence of conflict. I define peace as the ability to defend yourself and blow your enemies into smithereens.

Of course, it is precisely this kind of destruction that is the most appealing. And that’s why you have to save it for last. When you leave, have a friend belabor her goodbye for a good two minutes. While she’s telling the host how glad she is to have met him, you head into the kitchen and throw a melon in the microwave. Set that shit for fifteen minutes and get the hell outta Dodge.

Or you could exit altogether and then just sneak back in for the keg. No one is saying it’ll be easy.

It’s dangerous business. And if the party catches on you, you’re screwed. Your only bet then will be to hunker down in the nearest cornfield. Clasp your hands in prayer. And repeat in your best southern accent,“Deah god, make me a burhd, so I can fly fahr, fahr away from heah. Deah god… “

3.) FRAKA-KAKA: Kaka-kaka-kow! Fraka-kaka-kaka-kaka-kow! Fraka-kaka-kaka-kaka-kow!

2.) One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered.

1.) WA-WA-WAY-DO: Wub-wid-bid-dum-way-do! Wa-wa-way-do! Bay budabud-dum-bam! Mama-dum-daydo! Abay-ba-da-bum bay-do!

05

Around campus LICKING STUFF EDITION

We tweeted out a request to send us pictures of you licking something. and boy, are we glad we did.

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Thursday

LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS

$5 Martinis 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

$2.50 Wells $2.50 All Bottles $4 Johnny Vegas

Friday

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$4 Margaritas 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

$1 PBR and High Life Bottles $4 Long Islands $3.50 Fireball/Apple Pie Shots!

Saturday

After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

$4 Long Islands 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

Sunday

Evening: $2 Well Drinks $4 Double Wells

$1.75 16oz PBR Cans, $4 Bloody Mary's 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

Monday

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Premium Pints $2 Wells, $4.00 Dbl Wells Service Industry 1/2 Price on Everything w/ Pay Stub!

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Tuesday

$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

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Saturday

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Service Industry Night (8 - close) 1/2 off drinks, 1/2 off apps

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$3.50 Margaritas and Bloody Marys

Sunday

Football Bingo! $2.50 Bud & Bud Light 16oz Aluminums, $3 Bartender Specialty Drink $2.50 Hot Dogs, $3.50 Brats, Fully loaded condiment bar for brats and hot dogs!

Rolling Rock Mondays (6-close) $7 60oz pitchers, $2 bottles, $5 for 2 hours of bowling, $2 shoes

BELL'S BEERS! $2.50 2/$2.00 TACOS!

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.75 Smirnoff Flavored Drinks, $0.59 Wings

Monday

$1 Wells 1/2 off Red Bull Drinks $1 Pizza Slices JEREMY SPRAGUE AND D.J. KANE

College Night (9-close): $2 Wells, Domestics, & Games, DJ Stoz 18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D.

TEAM TRIVIA NIGHT and Mug Club Night Domestic Liters $3.50 Craft Liters $5.50

$12 Domestic Tankers $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 Wells $0.79 Tenders

Tuesday

$5 Mixed Pitchers, $5 Pitchers of Beer, $1 Tacos D.J. 5-0

Ladies Night (6pm - close) $3 Cosmos, Appletinis, Absolut & Cranberry, $2 Glasses of Wine, $1 Games, $3 Microbrew pints

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Wednesday

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Pledge Cannot Believe He Was Lied to During Rush By: Dan Mirabelli After being pledged into his fraternity, freshman Billy Weinberg was shocked to discover that he had been lied to on various accounts. We had a chance to speak to Billy and learn his story in the basement of the Bronco Mall, where he was hiding from house activities.

“Every time I would finish cleaning, they’d empty out the garbage I had just cleaned up and undo everything I had just done,” he said.

“They even made me wear a fox costume the whole time and make all the noises in time with the song.”

It came as a shock to Billy when he realized he was going to be hazed.

“During rush, the guys made it really clear that they weren’t going to haze me,” lamented Billy. “I wouldn’t have joined if I knew I’d be taking weird household objects up my butthole every night.”

“I can’t believe they tricked me,” Billy whined as he rubbed his ass.

“They seemed so sincere and cool.”

After weeks of rushing, Billy finally received a bid to his favorite house on campus. He posted a Facebook status and tweeted, “HELL YEAH got my bid!!!! #Pumped #Frat,” while posting an Instagram of his bid card, excited to shout out to the world that he was no longer a GDI. Yet, his joy was short-lived.

“Within an hour after accepting my bid, I was told to delete my Twitter and Instagram posts because I was acting like a jackass,” Billy said.

Billy told us after that incident they were pretty “chill” with him, but one night he received a call that would drastically alter his pledging experience.

“A week into pledgeship I received a call around midnight to be outside my dorm in five minutes or I was screwed,” he explained. Apparently Billy didn’t take the threat seriously enough and after lackadaisically arriving 2 minutes late, he cleaned an active’s apartment for 8 hours straight while listening to “What Does the Fox Say?” on repeat.

The Black Sheep realized Billy had been hovering over his chair the duration of the interview. When asked why he wasn’t sitting down on the chair, Billy pulled down his pants to reveal large red streaks across his ass cheeks. He explained that he had been paddled the night before, because he accidentally “finger-blasted the Vice President’s sister” at their ABC exchange two days before, and “since the Vice President is a boner, everyone thought it was pretty funny.” He begged us not include that statement, but he’s a pledge, so who cares?

Billy was also upset to learn during the first chapter meeting that the fraternity he was pledging was not a top-tier house, as he was told.

The lack of interaction with women is one of the main reasons Billy wants to call it quits with his new “brothers.”

“They told me that I’d be slamming dimes on the reg, but the only action I’ve gotten since pledging other than the VP’s sister was a shitty hand job from another pledge,” he grumbled. He also learned his fraternity didn’t even have a house and what he had thought was their house was actually just French Hall.

WELCOME BACK! CHECK OUT OUR BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIALS

“There’s a few apartments scattered around campus,” Billy noted, “they told us we’re not allowed to meet everyone in the house until we initiate.” When asked how many pledge brothers he has, he replied “I’m not allowed to meet them yet, but probably around 25 or so.”

After further investigation, it has become clear that Billy is not pledging a fraternity, but has been tricked into doing chores and ridiculous tasks by a small group of students on campus. He refused to believe it, citing, “You don’t know what you’re talking about you stupid geeds.” However, it appears that Billy will be a GDI pledge indefinitely, which, we guess, is poetic or something.

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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship

What fictional hero would be a dick if he was real?: Iron Man, he’s a little arrogant.

Major: Psychology and criminal justice

In the far future when aliens discover earth, what modern object will they think is a sex toy that is not a sex toy?: The PlayStation Move remote. It’s like a wand kind of thing, but it has this ball at the end of it.

Favorite Drink: Whiskey and Dr. Pepper Favorite Shot: Spread eagle Disgusting Drink: Prairie fire What’s the best thing about fall at Western?: Football, Western Football. I’m a Lions fans so I’m cheering for these Lions right now.

ERicka of Gallagher's

Drinking Game

What’s the worst thing about fall at Western?: Probably all the traffic down Stadium when we do have football games.

What message would you like to convey to your arch-enemy?: They better watch out, because the next time they see me… they’re probably getting a punch to the face.

If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: Sushi.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s everything they need to know.

Recipe for disaster

Wrecking Ball It’s the insane bastard child of a torrid affair between beer pong, flip cup, dizzy bat and Jenga. No, we’re not asking you to get naked and dance around like Miley. We’re just asking you to get drunk.

What You’ll Need: 42 Solo cups, 3 ping pong balls, 2 baseball bats and one perfectly flat table Number of Players: 6 Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between “lampshade over head” and “lampshade in bed.”

How To Play: - Set the cups up like 21-cup beer pong, filling the cups with a reasonable amount of beer.

- Split up into 2 teams and pair up with someone on the opposite team.

- Decide who starts by shooting the balls like regular pong until someone makes a cup.

- When a player makes a cup, he and his partner both grab a cup from their respective triangles.

- These two players then play a 1-cup game of flip cup.

- If the shooter’s partner wins, then both cups are returned to each teams’ triangle and refilled.

- If the shooter wins, then his team refills their cup and returns it to their triangle. The partner’s team must stack their cup upside down on their side of the table to make a standing pyramid with a base of 6 cups.

- If your stack falls at any point, you must rebuild it and everyone on your team takes a shot.

- Continue to play in this fashion, rotating players until one team has a full standing pyramid.

- When the opponent’s stack is complete, the player on the winning team who made the last cup gets a chance to win the game. The player must grab one of the baseball bats and spin around 8 times, with his head on the bat and the other end of the bat on the floor. He then has 3 seconds to pick up a ping pong ball and throw it at the enemy stack.

- If he knocks down 15 or more cups, then his team wins!

- If he knocks down fewer than 15 cups from the stack, his team must all take a shot.

- As soon as the shots are finished, another player on the team can begin spinning around the bat to try again. This process repeats until 15 or more cups have been knocked down.

- In the event that fewer than 15 cups were knocked down on the first throw, the opposite team has an opportunity to catch up. They can run to the other side of the table, drink their opponents’ remaining cups, flip them, and stack them. They can start spinning on their own bat and then throwing at the other team’s stack.

What’s the weirdest Wikipedia page you’ve ever read?: A radio station’s. 94.1’s.

Chicago Style Taco The Windy City deserves the nickname, what with Chicagoans bloviating endlessly about what should go on a hotdog and what shouldn’t. Guys, it’s a meat casing stuffed with raccoon assholes, chill out for a second. Still, they’re A-ok in our book for inspiring this gem.

What You’ll Need: Taco shells, hot dogs, hot peppers, sweet relish, chopped onions, pickle spears, a tomato, and mustard.

Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: The Superfans weren’t exactly skinny.

Let’s Get Baked:

- Preheat the oven to 200 degrees.

- Chop the onions.

- Slice your tomato.

- Once preheated, place the taco shells in the oven for 7 minutes.

- Cook the hotdogs in the microwave for 2 minutes.

- Remove the taco shells, place one hot dog in each taco shell with a pickle spear on top.

- Add additional toppings as needed.

Seriously though, no ketchup.

The Game Ends When: One of the teams successfully knocks down their opponent’s stack, hopefully without hurling everywhere.

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C ATI B ACRO

S e x osi

P

tion

ew! i v e R k o A Bo By: Benny Boy

Although Emily Dubberley’s Acrobatic Sex Positions contains some of the most strenuous and penile-endangering sex positions known to mankind, one often finds that the most difficult aspect of these positions is convincing your girlfriend to do them with you. After all, you can only try these positions solo so many times until you find yourself only able to climax at the scent of moisturizer in the tortoise position. Here we will give you a few of the better sex positions from Acrobatic Sex Positions, all of which have been tested by us firsthand (R.I.P. Valerie), followed by our advice on how to get your significant other to try it with you.

The

Pick p u e m

Difficulty Convincing: 3/10

What it Looks Like: The man is standing straight up with the woman in front, face down, legs wrapped around his hips and in the resting pushup position.

How to Accomplish: If you see this position and don’t immediately think of wheelbarrow races, then your childhood was seriously lacking. Either that, or my uncle Terry has some serious ‘splaining to do! To get your girlfriend to do this one, you will need to hype up the innocent fun of it. Ask her if she would like to do a wheelbarrow race for fun, just like old times. If she declines and looks at you like you’re crazy, say you guys could do it with your clothes off (she might be skeptical at first, but just do your best at convincing her that you will not stick your penis in her). After you guys have started wheelin’ around what you need to do is -- and this is the most important part -- you need stick your penis in her. At first she will be upset, but then it will quickly dawn on her that if she stops using either of her arms to support herself, she will be heading face-first to the floor. Extra points if you can accomplish this during the wheelbarrow race at your neighborhood’s annual family fun picnic.

The

Tow Truck The

Difficulty Convincing: 2/10 What it Looks Like: The woman is on all fours with the man sitting on her backside, leaning over to initiate penetration.

How to Accomplish: This will be one of the positions that will require a lot of prep time. What you need to do first is work really hard at your job, saving money whenever you can. As soon as you have 2-3 grand, surprise your girlfriend with a luxury trip to Morocco. She will want to go to the beach for the first couple of days, and you will need to oblige. Close to the end of the trip you need to insist that the two of you go on a nature expedition. Once in the desert, you need to pretend that you are lost. Panic will set in at first, which is only normal. The desert will be very hot, so you should be removing clothes slowly while telling your girlfriend to do the same. After you are both naked, tell her that you need to rest, only the sand is too hot for you to sit on, so she must get on all fours so that you can rest on her buttocks. Once doing so, and this is the most difficult part, you must violently wrench your penis into a downward 90 degree angle in order to achieve penetration.

Difficulty Convincing: 4/10 What it Looks Like: The man is leaning over the side of the bed head-first. His head is resting on the floor and he is looking under the bed. The woman is sitting on the side of the bed against him.

How to Accomplish: This one is really quite simple. In the middle of making love to your woman, stop immediately and announce that you have a gift for her underneath the bed. This sudden interruption will leave the woman frustrated, but that was going to happen anyway. Turn around and dive off the bed head-first into a headstand. Lift up the overhanging sheets and begin “searching” for the gift. After a few minutes, yell out in a panicked voice that you are going to fall on the floor. Tell your lady friend to come and help you by sticking your penis into her for leverage. This works half of the time, the other half of the time the childish behavior makes the girl think she is in the movie Big, which sometimes helps because of the mental association with Tom Hanks.

Part 1 of 3!

The

XXX B

wall ang er Difficulty Convincing: 8/10

The

Back

Break er

What it Looks Like: The woman is up against a wall with the man doing a handstand behind her.

Difficulty Convincing: 6/10 What it Looks Like: The man is standing with the woman suspended face up, legs wrapped around his back, and with no support.

How to Accomplish: This is another position which will require a lot of prep work. What you need to do first is become a licensed magician. Now, you might be asking, “Do magicians need licenses?” And the answer is, we truly don’t know. However, if you do need one, you’re gonna want to get one for this position. The Backbreaker is going to mimic the age-old levitation illusion. Normally this is done using hidden planks underneath the volunteer, but this time it will be a little different (Hint: You’re gonna use your penis). When you’re performing your routine at a bar mitzvah, county fair, or what-haveyou, plant your girlfriend in the crowd and ask her to come up to participate in the levitation trick. Once you are prepared for the great reveal, mount your lady and go to town. She will be suspended in mid-air, and nobody will be the wiser.

Part 2 of 3!

two

fA CE D

LovEr

How to Accomplish: This is just one of those positions which requires a very specific set of circumstances to pull off, but when you do it is that much sweeter. You’re gonna need to find your girlfriend naked up against a wall. Now, this doesn’t happen very often, so when it does you need to be ready. Who knows, she could be doing some naked hamstring stretching, or maybe she is counting while playing naked hide-n-seek. Anyway, when she is in this position you need to get naked, do a headstand, and then just hand-walk your way on over to her. It’s best not to explain. The more you try, the more she won’t understand.

Part 3 of 3!

The

Clasp ing

Hand

Difficulty Convincing: 9/10 What it Looks Like: Just like The XXX Wallbanger except now the woman is also doing a handstand.

How to Accomplish: At this point you are making love to your girlfriend while doing a handstand. Congratulations. The next logical step is to get her to do a handstand as well. She’s going to ask you why you are banging her while doing a handstand, and you are going to respond, “Is it me that is upside down, or is it the world?” She will think about this for a moment, eventually concluding that her perception of the world, universe, and society at large is just that: a perception. Although this spiritual revelation does not necessitate a physical rotation of the body into a handstand, she will still be more inclined to do so after realizing the subjective nature of the cosmos.

Difficulty Convincing: 10/10 What it Looks Like: Just like the Clasping Handstand except the two are now facing each other.

How to Accomplish: To get the move to come to its conclusion, all you need to say is, “You know what, babe? We’ve gotten ourselves into this position, we might as well just face each other and admire us ourselves for the acrobatic weirdos that we are.”

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