The Black Sheep
f sm ree.. el . lik ls fr e th om e d jimmyelici o jo us hn s.
Vol. 7, Issue 6
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
11/7/13 - 11/20/13
Bro, do you even row here? BY: Ryan Shek Western Michigan University merchandise is sold everywhere in Kalamazoo. Even Wal-Mart has its own two aisles strictly dedicated to the Broncos. Anything wearable, magnetic, or lanyard-able is available in WMU flavor — that delicious blend of brown, black and gold with, like, sick-looking horses and shit. And that’s why the multitudes of people sporting other gear at Western is a startling thing to see. It’s weird that so many students walk from hall to hall wearing State garb, maize and blue and even – sometimes – crimson tide. Imagine if high school students betrayed their schools like that. Zealand West green in Zealand East classrooms. Allegan orange on Otsego backs. St. Joe blue in Benton Harbor streets. Shit would absolutely pop off. The thought wouldn’t even cross their young, warped, 100-words-per-minute-typing high school minds. So why then is it acceptable here at Western? Why now that we’re in college? Aren’t the stakes that much higher? Don’t we want to support our university? Defend our education? Highlight our prestige? Defeat our enemies? WMU students who wear U of M, Michigan State, or Oregon gear are either bitter or stupid, and in many cases, both.
Always. Putting on a Michigan shirt is not the same thing as putting on a Tom Brady jersey. No one pays thousands of dollars to the Patriots to get a degree to get a career. No matter how many times a fan might say “we” when describing the New England Patriots last win, they were not a part of it. When you are accepted into a college and enrolled in its classes, you are by default, a player. A Bronco, Wolverine, Chippewa, or Spartan. You have an actual effect on the world around you, and that’s why you can get academically probated here — to keep you from fucking up the university’s shit. An infatuation with another college’s sports team is understandable, especially considering our record and nursery rhyme-plagiarized motto, “Row the Boat” (never gently, but always down the stream). No one is asking anybody to be a fan of that. We just ask that you realize what you’re saying when you don another school’s threads for athletics. You’re saying, “Albeit I am not a Wolverine, I esteem the success of their football program over my education and future... I see no problem with this, because I am very stupid.”
The Black Sheep took its very own shot at these tough questions, and the excuses we heard were almost mind-blowing.
“But I couldn’t get into U of M or State, my grades were too low and I’m only here at Western for my undergrad.”
“I’ve been a diehard Michigan fan for years, before I was even accepted to Western.”
You couldn’t get into State? Nah, you just didn’t want to fill out the essay portion of the application, you lazy shit liar.
Your ignorance is legendary. Sport is the most common, and by far the weakest excuse. For starters, you belong to a university — a Division I entity with its own athletic department, and various teams that compete. Annually. Every season.
But okay, your father, and his father, both went to State. And your older brother is there now. So what? Why would you want to be a cookie-cutter, drummarching pussy? Blaze your own trail, script your
page 5 Friends with Benefits: The Do's and Don'ts In case your "to-do" list didn't already have "the nasty."
own story, be the family . . . black sheep.
risk benefiting someone else at your own expense?
"School spirit? Come on, that is so immature. I’m in college, not junior high."
"But my school is so small, I can’t find any gear."
Exactly. Wench. College is the only time that school spirit actually matters. Consider this: university apparel is a type of advertising. Whenever you go out in your Rutgers cut-off, you are promoting the school. And where do you think the proceeds from these clothing purchases go? Not to Endor, you clueless wookie. If you want your economics professor to have a finer grasp of the English language, or maybe your campus weight room to have one more bench press, then start by purchasing your own university’s apparel. It’s not going to immediately affect your college’s standard of living, if at all, but why
page 6 Raving Right Ravers who like that boom-boom-pow should protect themselves against style-jacking chickens.
Listen here and listen good. T-shirts, sweatpants, and gym shorts are not difficult things to find. The apparel abounds. As Young Joc would say, “On campus, in the mall, in the trap.” “It’s goin’ down.” All poor clothing decisions boil down to personal choice, and while The Black Sheep fully supports personal choice, remember: Neither State, nor U of M, is your friend. They are your school’s enemies, and, by extension, yours. There is no glory for turncoats, no reward. Only disgrace and a hoof to the teeth. Broncos 4 Lyfe!
page 13 Freshman Gets Caught in Pyramid Scheme
Oh no, not those stupidly amazing knives again!
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Ending a rant with an abrupt, short, sudden conveyance of anger aimed towards the person, place or thing disliked. “After going on and on about Tea Party members for a half hour, Thaddeus surprised the crowd with a brief, ‘fuck them’ before exiting the party to smoke a cigarette.
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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @Black_Sheep_WMU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
The Hold Steady frontman pens a James Joyce work widely considered an impossibility. Last Week’s Answer: Ghostface Killah Mike
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Friends with Benefits:
The Do’s and Don’ts By: Elizabeth Raffa Ah, so you want a sexual relationship with no strings attached. You should know that it’s risky business trying to have something so physical and emotional without dealing with those pesky feelings. You’re horny, it’s obvious that you need to let those sexual energies out in some way or another, so it might as well be satisfying. Here are a few tips on what to do and what not to do with a friend, a friend with benefits. Don’t: Get attached: The number one rule of sleeping with someone you don’t want a romantic relationship with is to make sure you have no feelings attached to the person. If you’re going to remain “friends” and not consider this a onenight stand then you will be seeing them again, and your sexual tension will already be through the roof, so you have to be sure that you won’t want something more from them. If you’re a love addict, it’s going to be a constant battle, and perhaps you should reconsider your life choices, and mark this one as a “not even once” thing. Don’t: Talk about your feelings: It
doesn’t matter how bottled up you are as a person, if you open up to them about your feelings you’ll end up having an emotional connection. This will inevitably lead to emotional intimacy, which is what you’ve been avoiding this whole time. Actually… Don’t: Talk about anything: Nevermind. Just don’t talk about anything at all. All you should be talking about is sex; how they want it, where they want it, what else do they want involved in it, and then of course how satisfied they are with it on a purely scientific scale from 1 to 10. Don’t: Tell anyone: People will tell you it’s a bad idea. If they’re good friends they’ll ask you why you’re really doing this. But you don’t need such negative influences in your life, might as well just avoid the conversation entirely. Don’t: Do things that require a loving relationship to fully accept and understand: Don’t stop shaving your legs. Don’t leave your toothbrush. Don’t eat in bed, unless it’s kinky and experimental, in which case, carry on.
Don’t: Use pet names or terms of endearment: The only thing you should be complementing them on is their physique and their technique. Nothing. Else. Don’t: Make breakfast: Breakfast leads to sticking around their apartment, sticking around leads to commitment. Commitment is bad. Don’t: Meet for coffee: This also suggests some sort of commitment — if it feels like a date, it’s a date. The only time it will be acceptable for you to meet them for any type of food is if it’s an excuse to bang each other in the back of the employee break room. That counts as risky business. Risk is hot. Hot is good. Do: Experiment with some seriously kinky shit: This is your chance to get creative. To investigate strange fetishes, to learn what will happen if you verb in their hole and to figure out what you’re really into, that may have been rejected by previous partners. If all else fails, you don’t have to see them ever again. You don’t really care about them that much.
There are no stakes. Why not see if that foot fetish thing holds any water? Do: Establish consistency: This might be one person that you’re excited to get a text from in the middle of the night, but you shouldn’t have to wait around for them to consent and you shouldn’t have to drop what you’re doing for them. Figure out your schedules early on. Unless your booty-calls are dominated by spontaneity, you should never have to choose between your graphic design class and a quickie in the men’s bathroom. Do: Set boundaries: If you’re justifying this non-committed commitment for the
learning experience that will inevitably come with it, then you should let them know ahead of time what is off limit territories, just in case they’re kinkier than you, and the foot fetish holds absolutely no water at all. Do: Know what you’re getting yourself into: All good things end. Eventually one of you will realize the truth about what/ why this is happening, and it will be abrupt and the loneliness will set in yet again. Also, she might be a crazy stalker bitch, and that isn’t something that you ever want to deal with. Know going in that your FOB relationship is not going to end well, and brace yourself.
The
Top
Ten
Ways to Tell Exams have Destroyed You By: black sheep staff
10.) Nightmares: We’ve all had that dream where we show up to an exam we didn’t study for in our underwear. But we haven’t had the dream where the professor turns into Satan from South Park and eats your heart while your grandmother has sex with your TA on a pile of lactose intolerant geese. That’s just you. 9.) Inappropriate Reactions: If getting dumped makes you giggle, Christmas carols make you weep and hearing children laugh throws you into a suicidal rage, take a mental health day to recalibrate your feel-brain. 8.) Drowsiness: It’s perfectly normal to need a nap after six exams over three days that you didn’t study for (Netflix, she is a treacherous siren). Knock yourself out. Except, don’t actually knock yourself out by downing four bottles of Nyquil and an entire turkey. That’s unhealthy. 7.) Nausea: If you wake up frequently with your head in the toilet and without your pants or phone in weird parts of Kalamazoo you’ve never seen before, that’s a sign that midterms have ruined you. 6.) Hallucinations: The coffee pot is not talking to you. The coffee pot has never talked to you.
Raving right By: Elena McKendrick Do you ever go to raves and find that you’re not having a very good time? Maybe you just aren’t dancing right. Maybe your milkshake isn’t bringing enough boys to the yard. Or maybe you’ve never been to a rave and you’re reading this article to learn about the do's and don’ts of ravehood. Well you’ve come to the right place! Er, come to the right article. No, you’ve… picked up the right newspaper? Forget it; you’ve done something right! Because of your awesome rightness you’re now about to learn the top five tips to have the perfect rave. Stretch: This is important because when you’re popping, locking and dropping like it’s hot out on that dance floor, you’re going to want to keep it real. Real as the streets, as they say. We recommend some pre-rave lunges and some jumping jacks to get your body ready for the storm of krumpage that’s about to ensue. Pack for success/expect the unexpected: Let’s take a look at what someone usually brings to a rave in their fanny pack, maybe we can learn a thing or two. The front pocket contains emergency items. This usually includes a fake passport, inhaler, pepper spray, and a fake wooden gun. Only the essentials, really. In the main pocket there is almost always three or four crumpled-up-old-ladyprobably-used-but-I-can’t-really-tell-anymore nasty Kleenex, a phone, a second emergency Nokia walkie-talkie phone, and a 100 pack of multi-colored glow-sticks. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME WITHOUT THESE ITEMS. Seriously, this is important. Choose your clothes carefully: The experts on the “raving” subject confidently tell us that as long as you look ridiculous, you will fit in just fine. So go crazy! Dare to wear leggings instead of pants (gasp) or go avant garde and make a dress out of shutter shade sunglasses (cliché, but hey it gets the job done). Chances are most people will be blinded enough by the laser light show to not know what
you’re wearing, and all the others will be having seizures because of the laser light show and definitely won’t know what you’re wearing. In any case, you could always just show up naked and no one would ever know. That is, no one will know until the power goes out and it’s black and you think you’re safe, but then the back-up generator starts up and everyone can see you and you’re naked and now everyone’s laughing and now you’re running away and now you’re living the rest of your life in the woods as a never-nude. You know what, bonus tip: Don’t show up naked. Attract the opposite sex part 1: Be smelly: Be smelly, but not your usual smelly. No one wants that. Seriously, that’s disgusting. Go buy some deodorant and douse yourself in cologne or perfume. Axe, Beyoncé Midnight Heat, Sex Panther, whatever floats your boat. Pick a perfume that suits you and take a bath in it. These distinctive scents will always either leave the girls and guys wanting more or leave them unconscious from your toxic fumes, at which point you should just go home. Attract the opposite sex part 2: Dance seductively: It’s harder than it looks (and it looks really hard). So stop doing the lawnmower and get down. A good dance move is to “pop it, lock, it, and drop it” as noted above. To accomplish this you stick your butt out as far as it can go, and then you lower your body to the floor and back up again keeping your butt “popped.” Keeping it “popped” refers to the “lock it” aspect of the move. Another good dance move is the “twerk.” We’re still confused by what this is, but as far as we can tell you just stick your tongue out and make your butt look like it’s having a seizure while a creepy guy in a striped suit stands behind you and sings about rape. Got it? Ready to go have the perfect rave experience? Good! Why are you still reading this article, then? Get up and go get groovy you wild thang!
What has happened in your life to make you believe your coffee pot when it tells you that your roommate has been licking your pillow? 5.) Dizziness: If you spent the last twenty minutes spinning around in your office chair as fast as you can and are now on the point of blacking out from the G-force and simultaneously vomiting on your face and the back of your head, check to see when your warranty expires. 4.) Memory Loss: “Hi, Mom. Yeah, I’m fine. I did just finish my midterms, yeah. How’d I do? Uh… I do not recall. No. Really. What are midterms? How’s Nana? What? Midterms? I don’t know that word. Huh? I don’t know. I don’t know. Yeah… I don’t know. Who is this?” 3.) Changes in Appetite: Are you eating an entire pizza in one sitting? Or putting nothing in your mouth but coffee and Red Bull? Or chewing on thumbtacks? All the Halloween candy in your apartment? Your own arm? Stress has a disruptive effect on metabolism, which can lead to changes in weight and appetite. So it’s not your fault you splurged on Sweetwater’s donuts. It’s Spanish’s fault. 2.) Suicidal Thoughts: Lying on the train tracks and waiting for death might seem like more fun than waiting for your bio-chem exam results, but that’s just because exams sap every ounce of will out of your body and replace it with misery. It’ll take a couple days and a Mel Brooks marathon to get your serotonin levels back to normal. 1.) Diarrhea: You knew eating an entire pizza in one sitting would have consequences. You knew, and you did it anyway. We hope you’re pleased with yourself.
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November: National Novel Writing Month By: Elizabeth Raffa
November is a month of many things, like beards and premature Christmas music. And for all you English majors/people who have an intense fascination with the written word, you should know it’s also the month of novel writing! Whoo hoo! You thought October was a fun month? November is where the fun really happens. You’ve now got heavily bearded men, (or women, we don’t judge), sitting at a computer (or a typewriter, we don’t judge) for hours on end trying to complete a daily task of 1,700 words before they go to bed, without, of course, neglecting any of the other chores they have as a student with a work schedule, and these things we like to call “obligations.” Nope. Just going to add another task onto that. 50,000 words by November 30 can’t be that hard, right? But with all great things, come great burdens: Painful attachments: Any writer of fictitious things knows that when you create a character you are in a sense creating a real person, and you are in control of that person’s fate. This means that when you kill them off, you are responsible for all of the emotional damage that comes with killing that person. It’s your fault they’re gone. You held their lives in your hands and now it’s your fault for taking it all away! Everything they worked for! It’s like they were born to die, how could you?! The physical pain comes along when you sit there for hours struggling with yourself about what the right move is in this game of life. Should you kill them? What are the consequences? How many people would want you dead for the murder of these beautiful people? These are all things that every great writer deals with. It’s true pain. Damage to your psyche: With all of these internal struggles, you will be forced to continue working through your depression, putting a huge toll on your mental health. But you’ve gotta make that quota! There
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are no breaks in this challenge. None. You sleep, you do all the other shit that you have to do for school and work, and then you write into the wee hours of the morning. Then you repeat, because you are a champion… As a writer, you should know by now that all your social gatherings are done inside of loneliness, with your bottle of whisky on your desk, and your cigarettes in the side drawer. You have declared internal war by agreeing to this life. Mental breakdown: The life expectancy for this project is supposed to be 30 days, but it’ll depend entirely on the individual if you’ll be able to make it to the end. And in no way will you get to the end without breaking down in some way or another. However, the most common approach is to get a few days in and still feel good about it before you start to have writers block, followed by momentarily giving up, throwing yourself under the self-pity bus and yelling various profanities at yourself before picking up your pen and continuing your struggle. We believe in you, you beautiful novelist you. Now stop typing “fuck” over and over and write something real. Support group: This is a national event. No matter how alone you feel, take comfort in the fact that there are thousands of people around the country undertaking the very same task that you are, undergoing the very same struggles. Find some of those people and you can all help each other on your merry way to a finished 50,000-word novel. It’s art! Everyone in the game understands that and is willing to help you out with it. There is even a website for it — nanowrimo.org! Even though attempting a novel can kind of suck, and you’ll be left re-evaluating your life and maybe realizing you should just give it all up and become a shitty librarian or something, remember that you can always go back and edit it later. Good luck! And try not to tell everyone in your life you’re participating in National Novel Writing Month, you’ll exhaust everyone around you.
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Friday
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Sunday
Football Bingo! $2.50 Bud & Bud Light 16oz Aluminums, $3 Bartender Specialty Drink $2.50 Hot Dogs, $3.50 Brats, Fully loaded condiment bar for brats and hot dogs!
Rolling Rock Mondays (6-close) $7 60oz pitchers, $2 bottles, $5 for 2 hours of bowling, $2 shoes
BELL'S BEERS! $2.50 2/$2.00 TACOS!
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.75 Smirnoff Flavored Drinks, $0.59 Wings
Monday
$1 Wells 1/2 off Red Bull Drinks $1 Pizza Slices JEREMY SPRAGUE AND D.J. KANE
College Night (9-close): $2 Wells, Domestics, & Games, DJ Stoz 18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D.
TEAM TRIVIA NIGHT and Mug Club Night Domestic Liters $3.50 Craft Liters $5.50
$12 Domestic Tankers $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 Wells $0.79 Tenders
Tuesday
$5 Mixed Pitchers, $5 Pitchers of Beer, $1 Tacos D.J. 5-0
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Freddie Freshman Gets Caught Up in a
Pyramid Scheme By: Bob Rodriguez
Freddie recalled the fond memories of daydreaming while his Introduction to Philosophy professor spouted off about Friedrich Nietzsche being a total bro. It was in that very lecture hall, the one that smelled of Cool Ranch Doritos and mediocrity, where Freddie Freshman naively fell into the pyramid scheme that would destroy the very life he was attempting to create. He regretted ever entering “http://madwork4studentz. com” into his web browser, previously full of happy porn and happy times. They made everything seem so real, so lucrative. “Earn a promotion every five days! Trust us— you’ll be super rich and awesome! Future companies will throw their snatches at you when they see you have experience working with Sucktor Marketing! You know, your resume? The one that’s going to suck forever if you don’t work for us? Do it.” Before Freddie knew how to feel or what to think, he was forking over his last hard-earned $1,100 in cafeteria cash to the woman with a mustache he only knew as “Convincing Knife Lady.” Convincing Knife Lady talked fast and with a bit of a lisp, pressuring Freddie. “Time’s running out,” she’d tell him, “and you’re going to want to buy your knife kit before we hire someone else to take the hundreds of promotions and paychecks we’re prepared to give you depending on your upfront capital investments.” Freddie figured that Convincing Knife Lady had to be a good source for advice on life choices, since she was obviously well into her forties and high up on the Sucktor Marketing ladder, hiring only the best and brightest college students to sell such an expensive product. Soon things took a turn for the worse when Freddie learned he could only sell to people he knew. His family took out a second mortgage to buy Freddie’s knives. “Oh god, here he comes trying to sell us some goddamn knives again,” his friends thought every time Freddie showed up. Mr. Freshman began prostituting himself on the streets like a common hoodrat just to afford food
to put on the table so that Mrs. Freshman and Freddie’s little sister, Pre, could still have some happiness in their lives. Loan sharks began to call Mrs. Freshman day and night, heckling her until she broke down and told the tragic tale of her son becoming a victim of a pyramid scheme. Soon enough Freddie’s mother turned to the juice to comfort her pain, opening every liter of bottomshelf merlot with her $50 Cutblow corkscrew. Freddie began attending his professors’ office hours in hopes of delivering a quick sales pitch. He had done everything perfectly—he cut a penny in half beautifully, he sawed straight through a soda can with finesse, he pretended to slice his hand open to show how wonderfully safe Cutblow knives are for children—but then something went horribly wrong. He was halfway through his knife juggling routine when the 9-1/2” Polynesian Chef model pierced into his right eye. His family became so desperate upon the arrival of Freddie’s hospital bills that Mr. Freshman turned street walking into family night. Freddie’s professors had been threatening him for months: Either stop soliciting innocent classmates and TAs or fail the class. The lengthy hospital stay put him even further behind, and he was forced to withdraw from the university. Last week we met up with Freddie to find out where he plans to go from here. Working at a Taco Bell Express that’s attached to a Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut, Freddie told us between bites of Double Downs and cheeseburger pizza that all his coworkers affectionately call him “Left Eye.” While Freddie’s dream of becoming the greatest college degree earning puppet master there ever was has faded, he remains hopeful and plans to take this opportunity to get closer to god. “I’m really thinking about getting into Scientology. Those guys seem to have a good thing goin’ on,” he stated, making us question even our own life choices, while wondering where Freddie Freshman will find himself in this crazy pyramid scheme we call life.
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Delivery Man
Oldboy
Charlie Countryman
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Homefront
47 Ronin
Release Date: November 22nd Synopsis: Down ‘n out Blue Collar Jones finds out he has 533 children as a result of a sperm donation mishap. By the Trailer: First, let us clear the air; Vince Vaughn does not mistakenly have sex with one of his daughters, just in case that’s what you were looking to get out of this movie. Nope, he decides what better way to give purpose to his purpose-less life than playing “guardian angel” to the 533 kids that he once ejaculated into a cup. Will he stop being such a down-and-out loser and find true love? Will he marry one or all of the mothers who thrust a turkey baster full of his baby batter into their v-holes? Will the kids all have perfectly solvable problems and not be addicted to sex or beat to death by their meth-addicted, spermdonation-accepting mothers? Probably, because this is a shitty cookie-cutter Vince Vaughn fish-out-of-water movie. If Owen Wilson doesn’t make an appearance we’ll be shocked. Truer Title: Vince Vaughn Needs Money: Quips! Quips Galore!
Release Date: November 15 Synopsis: After a vision of his dead mother sends Charlie to Bucharest, a death on the flight leads him to fall in love with a woman. By the Trailer: This is a little awkward, but the guy you’re sitting next to on this plane is kind of dead, and not to be too much trouble, but you’re going to have to tell his daughter that he died. No worries though, Charlie, because you’ll fall in love with her during one of the darkest periods of her life, but some worries, bro, because she’s unhappily married to a Romanian gangster and he will just…like, unceremoniously beat the shit out of you if you don’t stay away from her. But dude it’s also like, you’re in love, so keep getting punched in the face, or something. I don’t know, do whatever you want, it seems like you’re not great at making decisions; you keep letting dead people make them for you, which seems like a not-too-great plan to begin with. Truer Title: Death and Punching: A Love Story
Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: A former DEA agent moves his family to a quiet town, where he soon tangles with a local meth druglord. By the Trailer: Oye! It’s me, somehow-English DEA agent with a recently-dead wife Jason Statham here to tell you country yokels that them back country meth-smokin’ ways aren’t gonna intimidate me and my daughter who knows karate, because Jesus Christ, have you seen one of my movies before? No siree, Mr. kingpin James “Gator” Franco, I’m not one’a them pencil-pushin’ DEA losers, I’m here with my shotgun and badass karate kicks to get all y’all in line. See, that’s what high-power hardasses like me do, we deal with our emotional issues by moving to some back-country shittown to silently brood until something sets us off; counseling is for wimps. Truer Title: Stereotypes, Guvnah!
Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: Guy gets held captive for twenty years, watches TV, is released, [insert the plot of Taken]. By the Trailer: Joseph Doucett wakes up in a tiny, inconspicuous bedroom and remains there for twenty years… but he doesn’t know why. He may or may not have killed his wife, but judging by how angry he is and because it’s a movie, he probably didn’t. Over the next twenty years he watches a bunch of TV, does some chin-ups, punches the wall a few times, and just gets really really mad about being locked up for so long without reason. Then whoever locked him up lets him out to go find his daughter (who is also being held captive now?), so of course he goes on a CrAzY killing spree. Then he finds his daughter and has sex with her. Just kidding! Or are we?! We are...? But he does have sex with someone! Truer Title: Taken 3: This Time the Dad Gets Taken
Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: Walter Mitty lives his life through daydreams until his job is threatened, sending him on an adventure worthy of the big screen. By the Trailer: Dude, your life kind of sucks. Your job in publishing is coming to an end, your boss is a dick, the girl you like doesn’t even notice you, and even your family thinks you’re a total weirdo. Thank god weirdos do weird things, though, because wow, you’re about to take part in a chain of events that is, like, totally in character for a mild-mannered guy like you. You know what Langston Hughes said, “Life is for the living. Death is for the dead. Let’s just do some completely implausible shit because the girl we like doesn’t like us back.” Truer Title: Unaffordable Adventure
Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/NINJA/JEDI HOLY FUCK. By the Trailer: One “half breed” man is banished and sold into slavery. Then, the people who enslave him look to enslave more people, Keanu’s people. Keanu is the only one (we’re tapping our finger to our nose here, folks) who can prevent this from happening. Ipso facto the side he is fighting on only has an army of 47 and the army he’s fighting against is, like infinite soldiers who are different from his ragtag group of guys. Nope, those guys on the other side don’t have families at home or anything, feel nothing for them. Add in a metric dick-ton of special effects, and this movie is going to have us forgetting about Santa and all his slaves in favor of this Asian-ified super Matrix. Also, dragons. Also also, lightsaber Samurai swords. Truer Title: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/NINJA/JEDI HOLY CRAP!
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship with a ragin' halfcaucasian Major: Sales & Business Marketing Favorite Drink: Angry Orchard with peach vodka – I don't fuck around. Favorite Shot: Hawaiian Cosmo Disgusting Drink: Anything with mayonnaise or warmed in the microwave. Do you think that's an acceptable answer?: Do you think that's an acceptable question?
Maria of The Grotto
Did you hear what happened to Tina?: Who the fuck is Tina?
Hey, remember Crash Bandicoot?: Sure don't. Five words to sum up the Neolithic period: Getting it hard from the beginning (that's six). Can you believe we solved racism?: I call my boyfriend a caramel frappuccino because he's sweet to the taste. What are we going to do about all this blood?: Get a tampon. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it tells them to go to the greatest bar ever, The Grotto – and I can't pay my bills with my good looks and charm.
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Rule Time
Baconeggs
To be king for the day! To rule the world! To laugh at those under you and to crush your enemy with malice and vigor! Alas, you’re but another faceless drone in this wide, wacky world. Better play a game that makes you the boss. That’ll getcha’ your fix.
“But I don’t want to get up!” your brain cries as your alarm goes off at an unheard of 11:15a.m. It’s like, why even go to class if you’re not going to be well-rested? Ah, but with this all-in-one breakfast bonanza, you’ll replace sullen dread with abject resignation! Huzzah!
What You’ll Need: Beer, plebeians, a deck of cards. Number of Players: As many as you can fetch from your vast kingdom, but we suggest starting with three. Intoxication Level: You’re not the boss of me! How to Play: -All players sit around a table, one person is anointed the dealer. -Each person is dealt one card, face up. -The player with the low card for the round drinks one drink. -If two players are dealt the same card, each one drinks. -Kings are community cards, everyone drinks. -Aces are rule cards. A player dealt an ace makes a rule that is in effect until the deck runs out. -Rules are cumulative within the game, so by the end of a game, there should be four rules in place, for the four aces. -The dealer deals cards through the entire deck. After the cards run out, the deck is passed to the right and the rules are abolished. The Game Ends When: Those you’ve ground under your foot rise up to topple tyranny. Let freedom reign!
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What You’ll Need: Eggs, cheese, bacon bits. Cooking Time: 10 minutes, 8 if your professor counts tardies. Fatty Factor: Guys, it’s protein, not calories, okay? Let’s Get Baked: -Turn a burner on medium-high. -Crack 3 eggs into a bowl. Whisk them until they’re fully mixed. -Place a skillet on the burner, plop the eggs into the skillet. -Use a spatula to continuously move the eggy goodness around the skillet. -One the eggs start to coagulate, stir for, like twenty more seconds, but don’t let them get too hard. -Remove from heat, add 1.3 cup of bacon bits and as much cheese as you can handle. -Fold the cheese and bacon bits into the still-runny eggs as the residual heat from the pan finishes the cooking process. -Season with salt and pepper. Holy shit, eggs are awesome.
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6 degrees of separation
Pharrell to
Seth Rogen These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @Black_sheep_WMu First 3 right answers get a prize!
seek and find
Can you find everything in this sweet Windows ‘98 waterscape? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a sweet prize!
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