The Black Sheep
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Vol. 7, Issue 6
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
11/7/13 - 11/20/13
Bro, do you even row here? BY: Ryan Shek Western Michigan University merchandise is sold everywhere in Kalamazoo. Even Wal-Mart has its own two aisles strictly dedicated to the Broncos. Anything wearable, magnetic, or lanyard-able is available in WMU flavor — that delicious blend of brown, black and gold with, like, sick-looking horses and shit. And that’s why the multitudes of people sporting other gear at Western is a startling thing to see. It’s weird that so many students walk from hall to hall wearing State garb, maize and blue and even – sometimes – crimson tide. Imagine if high school students betrayed their schools like that. Zealand West green in Zealand East classrooms. Allegan orange on Otsego backs. St. Joe blue in Benton Harbor streets. Shit would absolutely pop off. The thought wouldn’t even cross their young, warped, 100-words-per-minute-typing high school minds. So why then is it acceptable here at Western? Why now that we’re in college? Aren’t the stakes that much higher? Don’t we want to support our university? Defend our education? Highlight our prestige? Defeat our enemies? WMU students who wear U of M, Michigan State, or Oregon gear are either bitter or stupid, and in many cases, both.
Always. Putting on a Michigan shirt is not the same thing as putting on a Tom Brady jersey. No one pays thousands of dollars to the Patriots to get a degree to get a career. No matter how many times a fan might say “we” when describing the New England Patriots last win, they were not a part of it. When you are accepted into a college and enrolled in its classes, you are by default, a player. A Bronco, Wolverine, Chippewa, or Spartan. You have an actual effect on the world around you, and that’s why you can get academically probated here — to keep you from fucking up the university’s shit. An infatuation with another college’s sports team is understandable, especially considering our record and nursery rhyme-plagiarized motto, “Row the Boat” (never gently, but always down the stream). No one is asking anybody to be a fan of that. We just ask that you realize what you’re saying when you don another school’s threads for athletics. You’re saying, “Albeit I am not a Wolverine, I esteem the success of their football program over my education and future... I see no problem with this, because I am very stupid.”
The Black Sheep took its very own shot at these tough questions, and the excuses we heard were almost mind-blowing.
“But I couldn’t get into U of M or State, my grades were too low and I’m only here at Western for my undergrad.”
“I’ve been a diehard Michigan fan for years, before I was even accepted to Western.”
You couldn’t get into State? Nah, you just didn’t want to fill out the essay portion of the application, you lazy shit liar.
Your ignorance is legendary. Sport is the most common, and by far the weakest excuse. For starters, you belong to a university — a Division I entity with its own athletic department, and various teams that compete. Annually. Every season.
But okay, your father, and his father, both went to State. And your older brother is there now. So what? Why would you want to be a cookie-cutter, drummarching pussy? Blaze your own trail, script your
page 5 Friends with Benefits: The Do's and Don'ts In case your "to-do" list didn't already have "the nasty."
own story, be the family . . . black sheep.
risk benefiting someone else at your own expense?
"School spirit? Come on, that is so immature. I’m in college, not junior high."
"But my school is so small, I can’t find any gear."
Exactly. Wench. College is the only time that school spirit actually matters. Consider this: university apparel is a type of advertising. Whenever you go out in your Rutgers cut-off, you are promoting the school. And where do you think the proceeds from these clothing purchases go? Not to Endor, you clueless wookie. If you want your economics professor to have a finer grasp of the English language, or maybe your campus weight room to have one more bench press, then start by purchasing your own university’s apparel. It’s not going to immediately affect your college’s standard of living, if at all, but why
page 6 Raving Right Ravers who like that boom-boom-pow should protect themselves against style-jacking chickens.
Listen here and listen good. T-shirts, sweatpants, and gym shorts are not difficult things to find. The apparel abounds. As Young Joc would say, “On campus, in the mall, in the trap.” “It’s goin’ down.” All poor clothing decisions boil down to personal choice, and while The Black Sheep fully supports personal choice, remember: Neither State, nor U of M, is your friend. They are your school’s enemies, and, by extension, yours. There is no glory for turncoats, no reward. Only disgrace and a hoof to the teeth. Broncos 4 Lyfe!
page 13 Freshman Gets Caught in Pyramid Scheme
Oh no, not those stupidly amazing knives again!
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