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Volume 3, Issue 3 | 9/29/11 - 10/13/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
True life: I'm a sober bronco Hannah Weyer wrote this Forgive me, Brothers and Sisters, for I have sinned. I have never had a drink. “Shun,” you say. “Shun the faux Bronco. She is not one of us.” I will take your beatings, as I deserve them. At one of the most hardcore party schools in the country, I recognize my folly. But at the moment, it’s difficult to rectify, in large part because my alcohol tolerance has diminished so much that tiramisu turns me into a giggling drunk. I’m not here to advocate sobriety in any way, shape or form. I’m asking you to please not be like me. You’re a Bronco. Be a sloppy, loud, bold-as-balls party animal. Make Buster proud by saying hello to the almighty Porcelain Gods at least once a week. Here’s how to avoid college sobriety: Get a Goddamn Job Let’s start with the obvious. Nearly every problem you have right now can be solved with money. Money does your laundry. Money feeds your tummy. But most importantly, money brings you sweet, sweet booze. And the only way to get this money, other than the decidedly easier method of selling parts of your body for a little cash, is to comb your hair a few times a week and pretend you don’t want to shoot everyone around you at Taco Bell.
Other stuff
Inside
Sell Parts of Your Body for a Little Cash. All your liver does is make it harder for you to get drunk. Fuck that guy.
hookups and drunk dialing our ex-boyfriend’s moms. It’s like I don’t even know them. Have true friends who can’t stand you when you’re sober.
Own Boobs Really, any kind of boobs will do. Stuff the bra. Push up the sweater meat. Shave your moobs. Just let all men in the vicinity know you have them. I’m not sure why this works, to be honest, but it does. If you’re a hairy, 300-pound man who smells like 3-day-old ball sweat you may need to go to a Central party where that works for them, but the point is free drinks can happen for you.
Have Older Friends Until you come of age, friends younger than 21 are useless to you. Either ditch them or invent time travel so they can buy you tequila. The only exception is if they won the underage lottery and have a fake ID, in that case stay as close with those friends as you can for the time being.
Brew-It-Yourself If you have any relatives from the Bible Belt, you have moonshiners at your disposal. I have family members who have BIY projects nearly every weekend. A group of four moonshiners have an average combined IQ of 349, so it can’t possibly be that hard. Seriously. I had a sip of moonshine once. I’m almost certain the recipe calls for chest hair and Glenn Beck’s ass-juice. Have Friends I used to think I had friends. Now, I’m not so sure. Since coming to college, I’ve realized that true friends are the ones you can’t look in the eye because of the shameful things you’ve done together while wasted. My friends and I talk about video games and modern philosophy, not bar bathroom
04: The Tailgate to end all Tailgates
Have you tailgated a Bronco game this year?
Never Clean Out the Fridge Doctors everywhere have done their darnedest to keep this one under wraps. But the fact of the matter is, the longer that apple rots, the more it ferments and the closer it comes to becoming a delicious daiquiri. Sure, you may find your body violently spewing rancid matter from every orifice before you’ve even had the chance to run to the bathroom, but that’s just your tummy saying it doesn’t like healthy food. Next time, just wait until that half-eaten Jimmy John’s sandwich decomposes into a puddle of sweet, sweet alcohol. Science! There are alternatives to college sobriety. With a little work, you can become absolutely shitfaced every weekend. Remember- You’re not alone, and it’s never too late to ask for help.
07: burse girls
What are they hiding in their two enormous bags?
13: we interview das racists, but we swear, they aren't racist!
02
Meet The Staff!
Table of
contents
Page 04
Page 05
Page 06
Page 07
Top 10: Super awful foods, for real.
Managing Editor Dana Borzea
Distribution Manager Chase Olender
Advertising Manager David Zolp
pr team David Zolp
Contributing Writers Vanessa Leiner Kyle Kivett Kelly Weatherwax Mike O. Katie Batt Hannah Weyer Kristina Sablatzky Matt Sutor Eddie Felson
campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Questions?
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Zombies v Humans: It’s like playtime practice for the impending apocalypse.
Barty Pics + Shoutouts Are You Socially Rude Yep, we did catch you doing Or, why it doesn’t pay off to that one thing last night... just be a dick to everyone."
Pages 8 - 11 The World Famous Bar Grid!
Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.
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The 14th Minute Why the hell are these people famous? Porn?
Page 15
The Puzzle It's mysterious. It's tough. It's not impossible!
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04
THe top ten worst fast food items I was planning on making this list the ten specials on the Long John Silver’s menu, but then I thought, “Wait a minute, if I do that, how will the people know how terrible Arby’s is?” 10) KFC Double Down – Yes, it’s that bacon sandwich that uses fried pieces of chicken instead of bread. But wait, it still comes with ranch, cheese, and mayo, plus more ranch on the side for dipping (this is America, after all). I’d say the sandwich is perfect for feeding to that family member who is planning on leaving you a huge inheritance and has a weak heart. Unfortunately, the KFC Double Down is useful for little else except giving yourself diarrhea. 9) Hardee’s Monster Burger – Egg, cheese, bacon, sausage patty, and shaved ham on a buttered bun. Yes, a buttered bun because at Hardee’s it would be irresponsible to have bacon, sausage, ham, and eggs without butter. The only thing missing would be the poopy square of toilet paper that was found in a sandwich like this in Grosse Pointe and subsequently gave someone Hepatitis B,(which effectively put an end to that Hardee’s franchise). Thanks for sparing us a square, Hardee’s!
WMU Tailgates: Our Pre-Game Is Your Party
Kelly Weatherwax wrote this
I think it’s safe to say that the one particular Saturday left us all in awe (If you can even remember that day of the week). No, I’m not talking about how the Broncos finally had the Chips for lunch. I’m referring to the WMU tailgate, more specifically the rage fest at lot 105. The Health and Human Services parking lot was loaded with people not worried about anything other than having a grand ol’ blacked out time. Yes, there may have been a few Chips that could barely shout, “bbuutckkkdddafffffrancos” but overall it was a team effort of chugging Captain’s and cider and bonging one, two…alright ten beers in the two-hour span of tailgate. As Broncos, we are used to this constant raging, we are programmed to focus more on winning the drunkest person race rather than the game (which we did win anyways FUCK YOU CHIPS!). Being real here, most of the time we don’t even know who we’re playing. This may sound bad, but it just makes our school’s tailgates way better than yours.
mugging faces even if they wouldn’t actually admit it because, “C’mon bro it’s U of M and we do everything better.” It might be the fact that we could care less about going to the games and more concerned with partying, but WE, the Broncos, DO IT BETTER. I mean yeah, I suppose both throw good tailgates... if you like MIPs and open intoxes.
While police were forcing everyone out of the parking lot before the game started, and failing miserably by the way, I heard many MSU students obsessing over how great of a tailgate it was. Not only did I overhear how great it was, but also how their Big Ten School has never had a tailgate that would amount to it; the proof is even in writing.
zoo’s own Najee “Rocky” Hubbard, an upcoming rap artist that will open for Big Sean at the State Theater in October, performed his latest single “Brown and Yellow.”The song was playing on the radio all weekend and definitely pumped the Bronco’s up. Hubbard’s new album will be coming out soon, and is currently in the works. A popular line from Brown and Yellow, “They don’t call it The Zoo for nothing, we animals,” can pretty much sum up the day.
You could even go as far to say that their tailgates aren’t as crazy because of the parents that attend, but then again there are plenty of WMU parents that join us at tailgates. Then difference is they’re usually just as blacked out as us. Either way you throw a ton of Bronco’s in a parking lot with lots of booze and you will have a better time, hands down.
To add to the mix of beer pong, bong“Take a look at WMU's ing beers, and shot taking, there was tailgating guidelines, the not only two DJ booths bumping the jams and dance music, but there first line states 'BYOB'.” latest was a mini concert as well. Kalama-
Take a look at WMU’s tailgating guidelines, the first line states “BYOB.” If you continue reading the list of just a few rules it ends with, “Just remember to think before you drink, because you probably won’t be thinking real clearly afterward.” In comparison, MSU’s tailgating guidelines went on and on about the drinking laws and what is prohibited, for three pages. That alone shows the consistency of how much more fun you can have at WMU tailgates. Then there were the U of M boys walking around in their khakis, yellow and blue polos, and boat shoes who were also impressed. It showed on their mean
With that said, there’s really not much more I can say to prove we are the BEST at tailgating. Where else can you go to a tailgate where you can dub step on top of cars and have state police laugh at you? The answer: nowhere. So before all you Big Ten schools get your panties in a bunch, we welcome you to come enjoy a tailgate with the Broncos anytime you want. I guarantee it will be an amazing time that you won’t remember, but totally worth it.
8) Wendy’s Chili – With a finger in it or without a finger in it (a question most situations boil down to), Wendy’s chili is by far one of the most disgusting concoctions known to man. I’d expect to find this dish in an Ukranian orphanage when they ran out of gruel and salty tears to snack on, but not in the good ol’ U.S. of A. Goddammit! 7) Clam Strips at Long John Silver’s – Stinky little pieces of fried filth. Perfect for everyone’s inner bulimic! 6) McDonald’s Salads – For those beached whales in our society who want to pretend they’re eating well by ordering a salad at McDonalds, it’s easily more fattening than a Big Mac when you start drowning it in ranch and blue cheese dressing. These are also the same people who claim they haven’t lost weight because they have a slow metabolism or large bone structure, but in all reality, they are nothing but another tubby bitch who can’t stop stuffing their food hole at the McDonald’s trough. 5) Arby’s Roast Beef and Cheddar – This is not my first, nor will it be my last distasteful (pun!) review of Arby’s. I’d compare the taste of an Arby’s Roast Beef and Cheddar to eating a dollop of Easy Cheese out of a forty-year old stripper’s butthole. Enough said. 4) White Castle Burgers – In some underfunded retirement homes, a White Castle ‘Sack of Ten’ is used in lieu of Metamucil or actual laxatives. The FDA does not approve this. 3) Sbarro’s Pizza – Never a food of choice, always a food of default. Literally the greasiest thing you could put in your mouth besides (fill in your own ethnic slur here). Sbarro’s pizza never fails to make me reflect back on all my life’s shortcomings, and makes me think that maybe if I had done things differently, I wouldn’t be eating Sbarro’s pizza right now. 2) Taco Bell’s Pacific Shrimp Taco – Shrimps marinated at Taco Bell and put into a taco? Thanks, but I’d rather take my chances munching on the fish taco of the aforementioned stripper with a butthole full of Easy Cheese than to chow on this culinary travesty. 1) Any Fish Basket at Long John Silver’s – You knew one mention wouldn’t be enough to encompass the abomination of this chain. Long John Silver’s serves baskets with fries and fried strips of “fish” in them. No specifics, just “fish.” Mystery fish from a fast food chain? No thank you, Long John Silver’s, I’d rather catch Chlamydia than whatever your catch of the day is. Fear not K-Zoo, we won’t have to suffer through these horrible options for much longer. My nipples and penis have been abnormally hard this last week, which can only mean that it isn’t much longer until the McRib comes back.
Notafatty wrote this
05
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Zombies versus Humans
Game play: This game is like tag on crack. Players: Humans - The human team’s job is to avoid becoming zombies at all costs. Besides smoking cigars and looking totally bad ass, there are many humans who have legitimate gun-wielding skills. Don’t worry, they may use Nerf guns and sock grenades during the game, but during the real zombie apocalypse we’ll be able to trust them with the real thing...hopefully.
As if becoming a zombie wasn’t bad enough, when a zombie kills you, you must give them your kill token. If you were with a squad, they lose a team member. But never fear! If they get enough currency they can buy back your life. The sound of screams echo through the night while you work your body to exhaustion. You wake in the morning, aching. Though your thighs burn from the intensity of the previous night, you are satisfied. I know what you’re thinking, perv. Get your mind out of the gutter! I’m talking about Zombies versus Humans, the game that simulates the coming zombie apocalypse. Played once a semester on WMU campus, this exciting game has drawn out those hidden heroes from the depths of the student body. If the zombie apocalypse occurs during our lifetimes, trust me, find a guy that survived the whole week of this game and stick to him like Professor Quirrel to Lord Voldemort. If you’ve never played ZvH or have never seen it played, I’ll give you the highlights.
Zombies: The zombie team’s job is to convert as many humans as they can into cannibalistic undead. The humans can kill you by hitting you with Nerf ammunition or sock grenades. Unlike humans, a zombie’s death is not permanent. Zombies re-spawn every 15 minutes. Zombies kill humans by tagging them firmly above the waste (no biting allowed in this game. Sorry, zombies.) Apart from tagging and killing humans, zombies in this game can be quite terrifying. They may not be trying to gnaw your face off, but some of the characters that participants play can be downright creepy. Let’s hope these players are not amongst the army of undead in the coming apocalypse. General Good Etiquette: Rule 1: Don’t be a Douchebag
Katie Batt wrote this
I feel this is self explanatory. Play the game fair and just have fun with it. It is, after all, only a game. Rule 2: Help Humans Collect Ammo After an epic battle with a human squad, zombies, please help the humans pick up their ammunition. They need it to protect themselves from you mindless undead freaks. Rule 3: If You Die, You Are Dead Humans! If you die, stop helping your team members! You are now a zombie and zombies don’t help humans, they eat them. There are many other general etiquette rules you should follow. As long as you know about good sportsmanship, you should be fine. As mentioned earlier, there are many different characters to be found throughout ZvH. I could tell you about them all, but you’re not here to read a novel. (If you were, what were you doing picking up The Black Sheep in the first place?) So, now that you know a little bit about ZvH, I hope you join the legion of undead killers or the army of bad ass soldiers fighting against them. Don’t forget to get in some cardio before you start playing and, as with most physical activities, stretching is your friend. Oh! And also don’t forget to--what? Something is clawing at my door. Oh...oh my god...guys a group of zombies just— BRAAAAAAINNNNNSSSSSSS!
now hiring See, you're so intrigued, you're reading this mysterious piece of content. Anyway, want to join our team and be a part of the funniest publication in town? We're looking for writers, marketers, and sales people, preferably those who know how to type well and are good at that new Facebook, it confuses us...a lot. Interested? Good, because you could end up on our team (but not your roommate, you know why...come on now).
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SHOUT OUTS! Dana and megan- sorry for getting wasted and pissing on your rug. Next time i'll wear pampers to our Monday funday party. Dear Bruce: We didn't make out cus you have stuff in your teeth. Dear Cass, I'm sorry for destroying your "How to draw children" book. Now how are you going to lure little boys and girls into your abode? Sincerely, You know damn well who I am! Dear epic hide and seeker, You left a '21' pimp stein class in the black sheep sheep box . And I found it. I win. To Stephanie I met at PTs, Marry me? - Tony Random bro that approached me outside a house party, I really hope that everything goes well with your younger sister’s pregnancy. You really know how to choose introduction topics to a friendship! James, I’m sorry I missed your birthday party but I’m glad that I was able to see one picture of money in your underpants Jeff! I just met you Saturday but seriously, that whole “kicking dirt” move isn’t going to get you any ladies Hey Mark, let’s try and keep our pants on for at least f ive minutes this time next time we go to a party where we don’t know anybody? Not everybody breaks the ice the way you do.
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The attack of the burse girls
07
Vanessa Leiner wrote this
You may be wondering what exactly a Burse Girl is. Don’t tell me you've never been walking to class and noticed a struggling young girl failing at her attempt to handle her over stuffed backpack and additional purse. For years I have walked behind or next to these poor girls with the panic-stricken faces of confusion wondering where to put their purse amidst their backpack. Does it go over their already positioned backpack strap? Or do they casually hold it at their side trying to cover up the fact that they are holding TWO bags? Seriously… These girls must be of a special kind of breed. Clearly born with the mental insanity that they should put themselves through immense amounts of pain on a daily basis due to their overbearing bags. But here is the real burning question: what the fuck do in you have in your purse that is incapable of fitting in your backpack? Or if worse comes to worse why can’t you simply carry a notebook and your purse only?? Smuggling a Mexican family in there, girls? What is the most amount of stuff that you have to carry on campus on a daily basis? A notebook, a pencil, cell phone, Bronco ID? For those who actually pay attention in class they might have a book added to that list. Then for those who obviously would rather be on Facebook than pay attention, they’ll add a laptop to their supplies. Even will all of that shit a backpack is sufficient enough. Trust me, Burse Girls you will not need to reapply mascara, lip gloss or touch up your already-overdone foundation during your short duration on campus. A piece of advice for those girls, guys who actually make it to class aren’t looking up to pick up tail. So leave the purse at home. Or if you decide the purse is just way too trendy tostay inside
Are You Socially Rude?
leave your backpack at home, I guarantee you will never rent so many books from the library or get so many in class handouts that you’ll need an entire empty backpack just in case. Usually these girls tend to be slightly overdressed for campus (where are your yoga pants, it's nine in the morning!?) and general newbies to college life. You poor things that have to hike back and forth up the valley hill while hauling half your life around and trying to stay classy in your kitten heels. If you seriously wear heels and a skirt to class what the hell do you wear on the weekends? And shame on you if you are a Burse Girl and have been at college any longer than two years…that’s just wrong, you should know better by now. Unfortunately, these girls are not natives to the WMU campus. No no, the Burse Girls are slowly taking over. And the worst part is when younger, less knowledgeable girls spot these double bag hoarders they think it is trendy and cool; hence the burse epidemic that is spreading through college campuses around the world. But there is no way to stop this horrible tragedy because Burse Girls stand true to their burse ways. Now, ladies I’m not trying to rag on you. I honesty just can’t image how, or why, you do it every day. That’s where the “only one bag” girls come into hand. We’re actually the intelligent ones here. Unlike you, the only back problems we have are from carrying our beer pong team. Whenever you are too tired to walk up the hill to the valleys or can’t fit every strap over your huge winter coat, come find a girl carrying one appropriate sized bag and we will enlighten you to a more carefree way of living; burse free.
Kyle Kivett wrote this
Today it seems like Facebook (and really any other social network) consumes much of our lives. We sit and stare into the computer screen for hours on end wasting much of our time and creeping on people we barely know. Ask yourself; “Does my Facebook activity make me rude?” Do you begin a conversation on Facebook chat and then completely stop talking? Better yet, do you think communicating with someone strictly on this “chat” constitutes as a real conversation? Personally, I’ve met many people that have my number, but think Facebook chat is the way to steal my heart. Definitely not, I think it’s rude. What about responding to people’s comments on your wall posts or pictures? If I write, “You look great!” on a “friend’s” photo and then twenty minutes later they’ve updated their status and changed their profile picture without even acknowledging my comment – that’s rude too.
too many people that take days to call back. My response is always the same: I needed to talk to you then, not now. How about the people that are terrible texters? With many people having a smartphone these days, it’s hard to stick with a lie that you weren’t by your phone. Remember if someone texts you and you don’t feel like texting back, do NOT post a picture online via “mobile upload” - it’s rude and way too obvious.
Moving along…
Almost done…
On a Saturday night, any bar in Kalamazoo can be a clusterfuck of college students. You’re likely going to see that person you despise. It’s socially acceptable to ignore a person you generally don’t like, but it’s the relationships with the people you barely know that matter. Two words: class friends. Class friends are people that you depend on a couple times a week for notes, homework answers, or just for a person to talk to while suffering through class. They are different than real friends because you don’t really like this person, but you need them. So, you’re now at the bar, a little tipsy, and you see the class friend. What do you do? Say “hi” and have an incredibly awkward conversation about class or just pretend you never saw them? If the class friend obviously sees you and you still pretend not to know them, you’re rude. In rare cases, you and class friend can share a common rudeness. Saturday night, a friend of mine saw a girl from one her classes at the bar and made eye contact. The two of them stared for a second and then both walked away. In this case, you’re both rude and may even work well as real friends.
The final type of rudeness is the worst. It’s the person you have to meet over and over again. We’ve all met these people and hell, you may even be one of them. Here’s the scenario: You’re out and about when you meet, say, your friend’s girlfriend. She seems nice and you two have a polite conversation – everything is great right? Well, a couple weeks later you run into that same girl, only this time she’s not with your friend. If you go up to her to say “hi” and she doesn’t remember you, you (embarrassingly) just fill her in on who you are and move on. In your head, however, this is strike one. Keep in mind that with these people, there should only be one strike before they’re out. A few weeks later you see both, the girlfriend AND your friend at the bar. You go up to say “hi” to the both of them…and she doesn’t recognize you. Before things get out of hand, just walk away and start spreading the word about how big of a bitch she is. Dear girl that I have to meet over and over again, you are socially rude.
We’re all rude in someway or another. Admit it, bitch. See…I told you. At times, even I do things so rude that I even shock myself. Like, did I really just do that? In the real world, if you ignore a person at the bar or on the street it’s not really a big deal because you most likely will never see that person again. Here at Western, however, we live in this bubble known as Kalamazoo - which is smaller than you’d think. We all inhabit the same campus, bars and date the same people. If while reading this, you’re asking yourself, “Am I rude?” then you probably are. Read on.
Feeling rude yet? What about your phone activity? If a person calls and you don’t answer, that’s one thing – maybe you were busy or simply didn’t feel like picking up the phone…but you should probably call back. A generally nice person can completely mess up a relationship with their phone activity. I know far
Like I said, it’s a big world out there, but Kalamazoo is surprisingly small. Don’t be nice to everyone, but don’t go about your day like you’re just a little bit better than everyone else, it’s just rude.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3-7 $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Micro Brew Pints, $2.50 Wells Beer of the Month: All Bell's Flavors $3 Pints and $4 Mugs $3 Shock Top Raspberry Wheat Bottles
THURS, 9/29
$2.50 Tall Domestics (7-10pm) $2.50 Wells $2.25 Bud and Bud Lite Btls. $3 SoCo Lime
FRI, 9/30
9PM - 1AM $1 Miller Lite Pints $4 Long Island $3 Washington Apple $5 Appetizers (3-11)
$2 Tuesday $2 Domestic Drafts, Wells, House Shots $2 Off Burgers Live Music featuring Tim Pallin and Jeremy Sprague
$1 PBR Pints ($2 in your mug if you're a mug club member) for all Detroit HOME games! $2.50 Tall Boys for ALL Detroit games (Miller Lt., Bud & Bud Lt., & PBR) STUDY HALL Daily 3-6 $1 PBR, $2.50 Well & Call Drinks New Fall 2011 TAPAS Menu: Everything $3 or Less!
Progressive Wells from 8-12 Starting at $1.50
Pitcher Night $6.25+ Mixed Drink Pitchers $5.50 Domestic Beer Pitchers $2 Waldo's Shots (bartenders choice) $1 Burgers
$1 Rolling Rock Cans Starting at Midnight
$1 Domestic Drafts $2 House Shots
All Day Happy Hour (12PM - Close) $2.50 Wells and Calls $4.95 All You Can Eat Pizza (12PM - 3PM)
SAT, 10/01
$2.50 U CALL IT (3PM-1AM) Pizza, 2 Salads, 2 Pints for $20!
½ Off All food and Drinks Noon-Midnight
Colin Johnson 10-Close, NO COVER! $4 All Bombs $4 Shot AND a Beer (well shot & domestic bottle) $10 Pizza AND Beer (large 1 topping & domestic pitcher) $1 Off All Bottles (6PM - Close)
SUN, 10/02
$3 Wells $5 Domestic Pitchers $7 Bells and Blue Moon Pitchers (3PM-1AM) Free Capone Sticks w/ Deep Dish Pizza
$3 Bloody Marys $2 Domestic 22oz Drafts $2 House Shots
Open for special events only. Call to find out what counts!
MON, 10/03
9PM - 1AM $2 Domestic Bottles $1 PBR Pints $3 Manager's Choice Shots $4 Deluxe Burger Basket
$2.50 22oz Budweiser and Bud Light $2 House Shots
$2 for 2 tacos 3-11pm $2.50 All BELL’S Beer $3.00 Long Island, Long Beach, Blue Island
TUES, 10/04
$3 ANYTHING! $0.45 Wings!
$2 Tuesday $2 Domestic Drafts, Wells, House Shots $2 Off Burgers Live Music featuring Tim Pallin and Jeremy Sprague
“W” Club night (3PM - Close) Members Only, Ask About Joining! $3 Domestic Liters, $5 Specialty Liters & $5 Wings TEAM TRIVIA 8pm PK Passport Night: 1/2 Off Startup, $1 Off Bottles, $5 Wings
WED, 10/05
Live Team Trivia (8-10) Gift Card Giveaways & Specials! 8PM - 1AM: $3 Tall Miller Lite $3 All Pints $3 Bacardi & Smirnoff Flavors 1/2 Off Any Pizza
$2.50 22oz Miller Lite $2.75 Wells, $2 House Shots $1 Tacos & Karaoke Bags Tournament w/ Ca$h Prize
Beer Tasting 8-10pm: 5 Different Beers and Food to Match! Waldo's Vodka Night (6-Close) $3 Shots & Drinks, $5 Martinis 1/2 Off Food for WMU and K College STAFF FREE POOL | Starworld Dart League
The Bar Grid THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50
SATURDAY: ESPN College Football Package $2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am
FRIDAY Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys
1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11
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LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS
Canadian Nights $3 All Canadian Beer and Liquor $6.50 Medium 1-item Pizzas
Monster Thursday $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas 18+ Allowed!
Ladies Night! Happy Hour and Sushi Bar 6-9pm $5.99 Martinis (Open - 12) $3 U Call Its $6.75 Man-tinis
THURS, 9/29
9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums
Draft Night! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leinie Pints $4.99 3 Shot Martinis Dance Club Open
Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys
$1 All Domestic Pints $3 You-Call-It $6.75 Mantini's (Open to 12)
FRI, 9/30
After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
ESPN College Football Package $2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am
Party Night! $3.50 Featured Domestic Bottles $4 Sex on the Beach
$.50 Rolling Rock Drafts $1.50 Well Drinks
SAT, 10/01
Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells
NFL Sunday Ticket $12 Buckets of Beer Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3.99 Build Your Own Burger
Closed
1/2 Off ALL Food and Drink with WMU ID card or SIN card
SUN, 10/02
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub
$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs $3.75 Premium and Specialty Mugs 35 cent Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings NFL Package
Closed
$5 Man-Tini $5 1 Item Pizzas $3 Domestic Mugs
MON, 10/03
$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands
Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off! $6.50 Medium Pizza
Closed
1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11
TUES, 10/04
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells
College Night at Wayside $0.50 drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ AC Dance Club Open!
Closed
$2 Drafts and Pints (Open - 12) $12 Martini Sampler
WED, 10/05
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3-7 $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Micro Brew Pints, $2.50 Wells Beer of the Month: All Bell's Flavors: $3 Pints and $4 Mugs $3 Shock Top Raspberry Wheat Bottles
THURS, 10/06
$2.50 Tall Domestics (7-10pm) $2.50 Wells $2.25 Bud and Bud Lite Btls. $3 SoCo Lime
FRI, 10/07
9PM - 1AM $1 Miller Lite Pints $4 Long Island $3 Washington Apple $5 Appetizers (3-11)
$2 Tuesday $2 Domestic Drafts, Wells, House Shots $2 Off Burgers Live Music featuring Tim Pallin and Jeremy Sprague
$1 PBR Pints ($2 in your mug if you're a mug club member) for all Detroit HOME games! $2.50 Tall Boys for ALL Detroit games (Miller Lt., Bud & Bud Lt., & PBR) STUDY HALL Daily 3-6 $1 PBR, $2.50 Well & Call Drinks New Fall 2011 TAPAS Menu: Everything $3 or Less!
Progressive Wells from 8-12 Starting at $1.50
Pitcher Night $6.25+ Mixed Drink Pitchers $5.50 Domestic Beer Pitchers $2 Waldo's Shots $1 Burgers
$1 Rolling Rock Cans Starting at Midnight
$1 Domestic Drafts $2 House Shots
Skeetown Stylee 9-1AM NO COVER! All Day Happy Hour (12PM - Close) $2.50 Wells and Calls $4.95 All You Can Eat Pizza (12PM - 3PM)
SAT, 10/08
WMU vs. Bowling Green! $2.50 U CALL IT (3PM-1AM) Pizza, 2 Salads, 2 Pints for $20!
½ Off All food and Drinks Noon-Midnight
Fly Paper 4-8, NO COVER! $4 All Bombs $4 Shot AND a Beer (well shot & domestic bottle) $10 Pizza AND Beer (large 1 topping & domestic pitcher) $1 Off All Bottles (6PM - Close)
SUN, 10/09
$3 Wells $5 Domestic Pitchers $7 Bells and Blue Moon Pitchers (3PM-1AM) Free Capone Sticks w/ Deep Dish Pizza
$3 Bloody Marys $2 Domestic 22oz Drafts $2 House Shots
Open for special events only. Call to find out what counts!
MON, 10/10
NFL Watch Party Lions vs. Bears! $2 Domestic Bottles $1 PBR Pints $3 Manager's Choice Shots $4 Deluxe Burger Basket
$2.50 22oz Budweiser and Bud Light $2 House Shots
$2 for 2 tacos 3-11pm $2.50 All BELL’S Beer $3.00 Long Island, Long Beach, Blue Island
TUES, 10/11
$3 ANYTHING! $0.45 Wings!
$2 Tuesday $2 Domestic Drafts, Wells, House Shots $2 Off Burgers Live Music featuring Tim Pallin and Jeremy Sprague
“W” Club night (3PM - Close) Members Only, Ask About Joining! $3 Domestic Liters, $5 Specialty Liters & $5 Wings TEAM TRIVIA 8pm PK Passport Night: 1/2 Off Startup, $1 Off Bottles, $5 Wings
WED, 10/12
Live Team Trivia (8-10) Gift Card Giveaways & Specials! 8PM - 1AM: $3 Tall Miller Lite $3 All Pints $3 Bacardi & Smirnoff Flavors 1/2 Off Any Pizza
$2.50 22oz Miller Lite $2.75 Wells, $2 House Shots $1 Tacos & Karaoke Bags Tournament w/ Ca$h Prize
Waldo's Vodka Night (6-Close) $3 Shots & Drinks $5 Martinis 1/2 Off Food for WMU and K College STAFF FREE POOL
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The Bar Grid THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50
WEDNESDAY: College Night at Wayside $0.50 drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ AC Dance Club Open!
FRIDAY Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys
1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11
SPECIAL NIGHT
LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS
Canadian Nights $3 All Canadian Beer and Liquor $6.50 Medium 1-item Pizzas NFL Preview Party!
Monster Thursday $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas 18+ Allowed!
Ladies Night! Happy Hour and Sushi Bar 6-9pm $5.99 Martinis (Open - 12) $3 U Call Its $6.75 Man-tinis
THURS, 10/06
9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums
Draft Night! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leinie Pints $4.99 3 Shot Martinis Dance Club Open
Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys
$1 All Domestic Pints $3 You-Call-It $6.75 Martinis (Open to 12)
FRI, 10/07
After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
ESPN College Football Package $2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am
Party Night! $3.50 Featured Domestic Bottles $4 Sex on the Beach
$.50 Rolling Rock Drafts $1.50 Well Drinks
SAT, 10/08
Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells
NFL Sunday Ticket $12 Buckets of Beer Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3.99 Build Your Own Burger
Closed
1/2 Off ALL Food and Drink with WMU ID card or SIN card
SUN, 10/09
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub
$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs $3.75 Premium and Specialty Mugs 35 cent Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings NFL Package
Closed
$5 Man-Tini $5 1 Item Pizzas $3 Domestic Mugs
MON, 10/10
$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands
Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off! $6.50 Medium Pizza
Closed
1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11
TUES, 10/11
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells
Back to School Party! $0.50 drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ AC Dance Club Open!
Closed
$2 Drafts and Pints (Open - 12) $12 Martini Sampler
WED, 10/12
12
the
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h t 4 1 Minute!
Leonardo DiCaprio is world-famous for acting in some of the best films of the last decade. Hillary Clinton is famous because she’s the most powerful woman in the world. A small Senegalese child knows LeBron James because he can jump out of a building in a single bound. But what about the rest? In this era of celebrity culture there’s too many people famous for…what exactly? To see if we could pin these pretenders we looked at celebrity gossip websites to find people we couldn’t identify, then we tried to identify what made them worthy of the limelight. By: Brendan
*
Kim Delaney We Think She’s Famous For: Being T-Mobile’s ad spokeswoman when flip phones were still the cat’s pajamas, as folk were wont to say in 1996. Why She’s Actually Famous: This actress has been on a bunch of relatively popular TV shows, like Army Wives, The O.C. and N.Y.P.D. Blue. Recently, though, she made headlines for giving a speech in front of a bunch of military folk…drunk. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: A wonderful land called Denial, where your third and fourth stints in alcohol rehab mean you get comp’ed your fifth check-in.
Joe Manganiello We Think He’s Famous For: Being a club promoter in Scottsdale, Arizona. There’s rumored to be pictures of him snorting coke off of Lindsey Lohan’s tits. Why He’s Actually Famous: Joe plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux on HBO’s True Blood, because being tall, ripped and handsome is a prerequisite for being a werewolf. Nerds have nothing to worry about. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: He’ll be starring opposite Bradley Cooper in a summer bromance movie called Hairy Waves.
Brenda Song We Think She’s Famous For: Song is the Rebecca Black of Thailand, where her hit, “Only 20 Hours of Work Today!” propelled her to superstardom. Why She’s Actually Famous: Being a huge hit on the Disney Channel, most notably as London Tipton on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: In a bathtub full of money, laughing and sipping champagne while screaming out, “Sweatshop profiteering is the best!”
Michaele Salahi We Think She’s Famous For: A early-90s criminal case that saw her spend 12 years in jail after sleeping with one of her 14-year-old students. Basically, she looks like a hot teacher. Why She’s Actually Famous: Besides having an impossible-to-spell name, Salahi is best known for her role on The Real Housewives of D.C. In 2009 she made waves for crashing a White House party, and made headlines a few weeks ago by leaving her husband for Neal Schon, the guitarist for Journey. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Back in her plastic surgeon’s office, getting an estimate on how much it would cost to give her facelift a facelift.
Austin Butler We Think He’s Famous For: Being exactly what the Nazis had in mind when they started their eugenics program. Why He’s Actually Famous: Butler is known for his work in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and High School Musical spinoff Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: On the secret Nazi moon base, preparing to exact revenge for the historically tragic death of his biological father, Adolf Hitler.
Imogen Thomas We Think She’s Famous For: By the looks of it, she’s a recent recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant for the work she’s done in the field of advanced particle physics. Why She’s Actually Famous: Thomas is known for her 3-month stay on British reality show Big Brother, and her two big sisters. By “sisters” we mean “tits.” Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Thomas will be the Queen of the Island of Misfit Floozies, which is actually a couple miles off of the southern tip of Florida.
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Das Racist
the interview
Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multiethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time.
CD REVIEW
TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. Out Now be And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids?
Wilco
The whole let down, kind of. It's not an entire let down... sort of? It’s easy for us youngsters to hate on Wilco these days because they aren’t “trippy” anymore, and Jeff Tweedy is “sober” and therefore “uninspired.” Long gone are the days of my brain exploding (nearly the entire The Wilco Book album), vibing out to some weird static during “Less Than You Think,” and dissecting the lyrics of “Radio Cure” because it’s just so fucking good. Sure, Wilco’s best albums were Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and A Ghost is Born, but if you got mad at your boyfriend today because the last great thing he did for you was months ago, then everyone would just hate each other. Remember when he let you have all the hot water this morning? It’s the little things that count. Because I don’t want to harp on Tweedy for being sober; that’s just immature. What I can harp on, though, is Wilco back-tracking to their country roots in their latest album The Whole Love. This album just screams “NPR 40-something.” It’s safe and easy to listen to, with just enough badass hard rocking guitar solos (see “Art of Almost”) to give the old folks something to get excited about. It’s the kind of Wilco that got the fans in the first place, with definitive alternative-country sounds and a little bit of intrigue, not to mention Tweedy’s signature voice holding our hands the whole time. But Tweedy & the boys weren’t always weird and still had a more interesting sound - Summerteeth and Sky Blue Sky, for instance. With their latest and the one before that (Wilco (The Album)), Wilco is starting to seem… old. And
UPCOMING RELEASES
C-
I don’t like it, because I’m not a 40-something, and I think that’s okay with them. “Dawned on Me” is one of the more brilliant songs on the record, where Tweedy openly sings about the whole spectrum of living; being young, being old, being lost, being found, and starting it all over again at the end. It kind of makes me sentimental but then I’m reminded that optimism makes growing up a little better, which just makes me more sad. I’m 20-fucking-something; I don’t want to listen to my father cry on about not having fun anymore. “Born Alone” has a somewhat catchy tune but it’s a little cheesy and it’s a little simple, perfect for the adults to digest. No, no, I think I’m going to leave the Wilco party, eh, 5 years ago. But I’m still going to love them, even if they aren’t blowing my mind anymore. It’d be like saying goodbye to a high school friend just because he doesn’t get black-out drunk anymore. He’s still a cool guy, but just a little more tame. Plus you can always go back and recall the fun times you guys had together. That, and he is always your sober driver. It’s the little things that count! Sounds Like: What your dad listens to in the minivan. Download: The Art of Almost Listen to it When: Drinking wine and playing Scrabble with the fam.
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Blink - 182 Neighborhoods Chickenfoot - Chickenfoot III J. Cole - Cole World: The Sideline Story LeAnne Rimes - Lady & Gentlemen
VHS Or Beta - Diamonds & Death Feist - Metals Scott McCreery - Clear As Day Styles P - Master Of Ceremonies
TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread. TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos. TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.
brendan and jess wrote this
10
Bartender
of the
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noz Alyson Mu st wayside we
AGE: 22 STATUS: Senior MAJOR: Public Relations DRINK RECIPE: Pink Drink - X-rated strawberry vodka, lime juice and water SHOT RECIPE: Johnny Vegas - half watermelon pucker, half José, dropped in Red Bull “I DARE YOU” RECIPE: Mind Eraser - shot of vodka, shot of Kahlua, in a rocks glass full of ice topped with soda water FAVORITE DRINK: White Tic Tac DREAM DATE: Go to a foreign country and eat fresh sushi, preferably with Ryan Gosling.
drinking game:
Drinking Jeopardy! Alex Trebek has a voice that could charm the panties off of a nun, and his dulcet tones really help boys and girls across the nation learn what the capital of Madagascar is. Does that mean this game will help you get drunk? No. Is it fun? What is, “Yes,” Alex. What You Need: A case of beer, a hi-def TV to see the glint in Trebek’s eye, smartz. Number of Players: At least 2, more is more better, though. Intoxication Level: I’ll take, “Shithouse Drunk” for $800, Alex. How to Play: -Before the game begins, make sure each player has several beers in front of them. -Players may only guess an answer once per question. -A player’s answer does not have to be phrased in the form of a question. -Players must drink when: -Any opponent answers a question correctly. -The player incorrectly answers the question. -Players do not have to drink when: -The player answers the question correctly. -No player answers the question correctly. -Scoring is similar to a standard Jeopardy! game. If a player has to drink, they must drink the first number in the 3-digit score. For example, a player who has to drink on a $400 question must drink four drinks. Drinking on a $1000 question would be ten drinks. -There is no special scoring for the Daily Double, just use the value assigned to the question. -The Final Jeopardy question is worth 10 drinks. The Game Ends When: Your DVR runs out of recorded episodes.
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT ON A DESERTED ISLAND: An unlimited supply of French fries, Mascara and somebody to talk to. FUNNIEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON THE JOB: I’ve actually seen people passed out in the most random places. There was a girl passed out in a stall backwards for two hours once. CELEBRITY YOU WOULD WANT TO HANG OUT WITH: Daniel Tosh! I always tell my mom he’d be perfect to marry, he’s so funny. BIGGEST TURN OFF: Getting asked for my number while working, or even worse when they leave their number on a receipt but leave me a lousy tip - like come on you really think I’m going to call.
recipe for disaster:
Burrighto
After a night of heavy drinking there’s always a pit in one’s stomach, and it aches mightily, wanting to be filled with manly goodness. No, we’re not talking about semen; we’re talking about the manliest freakin’ burrito of all time. What You Need: Flour tortillas, can of refried beans, cheese, hot sauce, beef jerky Cook Time: 5 minutes Fatty Factor: Oh god yes. Let’s Get Baked: -Unwrap the tortillas, open the beans, cheese and jerky. Have the hot sauce at hand. -Place a dollop of refried beans on the tortilla. -Sprinkle cheese on top of the beans. -Apply a liberal amount of beef jerky to the burrito. -Splash on a healthy amount of hot sauce. -Fold it all fancy-style. -Place in the microwave and heat on high for 40 seconds. -Remove, let cool and enjoy. You’ll pass out after a burly burrito bliss, only to wake up with some newfound chest hair. So…uh…this one isn’t for the ladies. Unless…
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DID YOU KNOW? DID YOU KNOW?
ck u R lan
Do you know how two of our (least) favorite actors are related? Figure it out, email us at 6degrees@theblacksheeponline, and the first 10 win a prize, but remember, movies only!!
Unless food is mixed with saliva, it has no taste. Think about that... The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes...hmmm...
6 Degrees of separation:
( class time )