WMU - 9/28/11 - v03i03

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Volume 3, Issue 3 | 9/29/11 - 10/13/11 | theblacksheeponline.com

The

Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

True life: I'm a sober bronco Hannah Weyer wrote this Forgive me, Brothers and Sisters, for I have sinned. I have never had a drink. “Shun,” you say. “Shun the faux Bronco. She is not one of us.” I will take your beatings, as I deserve them. At one of the most hardcore party schools in the country, I recognize my folly. But at the moment, it’s difficult to rectify, in large part because my alcohol tolerance has diminished so much that tiramisu turns me into a giggling drunk. I’m not here to advocate sobriety in any way, shape or form. I’m asking you to please not be like me. You’re a Bronco. Be a sloppy, loud, bold-as-balls party animal. Make Buster proud by saying hello to the almighty Porcelain Gods at least once a week. Here’s how to avoid college sobriety: Get a Goddamn Job Let’s start with the obvious. Nearly every problem you have right now can be solved with money. Money does your laundry. Money feeds your tummy. But most importantly, money brings you sweet, sweet booze. And the only way to get this money, other than the decidedly easier method of selling parts of your body for a little cash, is to comb your hair a few times a week and pretend you don’t want to shoot everyone around you at Taco Bell.

Other stuff

Inside

Sell Parts of Your Body for a Little Cash. All your liver does is make it harder for you to get drunk. Fuck that guy.

hookups and drunk dialing our ex-boyfriend’s moms. It’s like I don’t even know them. Have true friends who can’t stand you when you’re sober.

Own Boobs Really, any kind of boobs will do. Stuff the bra. Push up the sweater meat. Shave your moobs. Just let all men in the vicinity know you have them. I’m not sure why this works, to be honest, but it does. If you’re a hairy, 300-pound man who smells like 3-day-old ball sweat you may need to go to a Central party where that works for them, but the point is free drinks can happen for you.

Have Older Friends Until you come of age, friends younger than 21 are useless to you. Either ditch them or invent time travel so they can buy you tequila. The only exception is if they won the underage lottery and have a fake ID, in that case stay as close with those friends as you can for the time being.

Brew-It-Yourself If you have any relatives from the Bible Belt, you have moonshiners at your disposal. I have family members who have BIY projects nearly every weekend. A group of four moonshiners have an average combined IQ of 349, so it can’t possibly be that hard. Seriously. I had a sip of moonshine once. I’m almost certain the recipe calls for chest hair and Glenn Beck’s ass-juice. Have Friends I used to think I had friends. Now, I’m not so sure. Since coming to college, I’ve realized that true friends are the ones you can’t look in the eye because of the shameful things you’ve done together while wasted. My friends and I talk about video games and modern philosophy, not bar bathroom

04: The Tailgate to end all Tailgates

Have you tailgated a Bronco game this year?

Never Clean Out the Fridge Doctors everywhere have done their darnedest to keep this one under wraps. But the fact of the matter is, the longer that apple rots, the more it ferments and the closer it comes to becoming a delicious daiquiri. Sure, you may find your body violently spewing rancid matter from every orifice before you’ve even had the chance to run to the bathroom, but that’s just your tummy saying it doesn’t like healthy food. Next time, just wait until that half-eaten Jimmy John’s sandwich decomposes into a puddle of sweet, sweet alcohol. Science! There are alternatives to college sobriety. With a little work, you can become absolutely shitfaced every weekend. Remember- You’re not alone, and it’s never too late to ask for help.

07: burse girls

What are they hiding in their two enormous bags?

13: we interview das racists, but we swear, they aren't racist!


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