The Black Sheep Fre
e... l ret ike t urn he f ing eel bac ing k t you o s ge cho t u ol.. pon .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 1 1/12/12 - 1/26/12
theblacksheeponline.com
What's Wrong With Being a
WASTERN BRONCO?
dana borzea wrote this
There’s this little, I don’t know what you’d call it—a thing, a meta-satire, a parody of a parody—that came out right at the tail end of last semester, The White Goat. Published by the Office of Heath Promotion and Education, the thing purportedly exists to “show students that being drunk isn’t cool.” In an interview with the Herald, those kind writers said, “The White Goat is a parody on the pro-drinking messages in the newspaper The Black Sheep.” In it, The White Goat did an article on the derogatory, reputation-ruining nickname that our fine institute has, “Wastern.” They ramble on about how terrible the nickname is, negative effects of excessive drinking and literally asks the reader, “Why would anyone want to go to Wastern?” How about a dozen or so reasons? For all of you students, instructors, university employees, Herald stickin-the-muds, and for anyone else reading this, I want you all to pay attention very carefully. Western Michigan University was ranked one of the nation’s top 100 public universities by U.S. News & World Report and one of the best Midwestern colleges by The Princeton Review. The university offers 140 undergraduate programs; second most of any university in Michigan We received the Cartwright award for its academics, athletics and citizenship. The American Association of Colleges for Teacher Education consistently ranks WMU among the nation’s top 10% producers of professional educators. Newsweek listed us as one of the top 25 gay-friendly universities in the nation. Military Times’ Edge Magazine said we’re
Other stuff
Inside
Michigan’s top-ranked school for outreach and service to Veterans. With all of those amazing achievements, plus many more, it’s obvious that we’re kind of a big deal. There are a few more achievements behind every Bronco’s belt…our success in the art of everlasting keg stands, consecutive beer pong championship wins, and the ability function properly on three hours of sleep. And the hits just keep coming. In a past article with Rolling Stone, a writer actually commented on the Bronco’s party scene. He said, “Western Michigan University has never been on our list of top party schools because everyone who parties there ends up forgetting what the fuck happened to them right before.” Broncos, pat yourselves on the back for that one. So, if Western is such an honored and respected school, why the hell is it such a problem that we’re known for our partying as well? I think most students
Getting Rid of the Christmas Crap Don't cry, it's only an ugly sweater! see page 4
will agree with me when I say that it just proves we can multi-task. We’re in college; it’s unrealistic to think we’re not going to rage. Broncos can have fun, but we get our shit done too. Just because it’s not as difficult to get into Western as it is other universities doesn’t make us a bunch of dumbasses who don’t give a shit about an education. Personally, the second I stepped foot on Western’s campus, I knew this was exactly where I wanted to spend the best years of my life. The people here are more laid back, they’re not annoyingly die-hard about sports, people work hard and party harder and you feel a sense of community here. I know I’m starting to sound all warm and loving and blah blah blah, but seriously, at Western you’re not just another number, you’re a Bronco. So, The White Goat, why wouldn’t anyone want to go to Wastern?
New Years Resolutions
Our 2012 Predictions a lot less of deena and a lot more human interaction.
looks like john cusack won't be saving us after all.
see page 7
see page 12
02
Meet The Staff!
Table of
contents
Managing Editor Dana Borzea Contributing Writers Vanessa Leiner Kelly Weatherwax Kyle Kivett Hannah Weyer Katie Batt Mike O. Mitch Barnett Andrea Walker Cody Kimball Lulu Lemon Samuel Howard Distribution Manager Chase Olender
Advertising Manager Nate Boyer John Williamson pr team David Zolp campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham
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PG 4: The Top Ten
PG 14: Drinking Game
Annoying shit that bugs us during syllabus week.
pitcherball - and please, don't put your balls in any pitchers.
PG 5: Broncos (Soon) Going Wild
PG 14: Recipe for Disasater
PG 6: Pictures of the Week
PG 15: Spring Semester Prospectus
early, early, early morning toaster, when just
Spring break, bitches! start planning your about anything tastes really, really, really good. crazy week right now.
Oh, how we've missed how weird and hot you all are.
oh snap, things just might start to look up for you.
PG 12: The Dark Knight Rises PG 16: The Madlib A tale about hittin' up the bookstore... Trailer it's gonna be huge, just like something else someone keeps promising us.
you've done that by now, right?
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page three
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Definition: When a student convinces a classmate to sign the attendance sheet, allowing the student to skip class. Sheila had perfect pretendance last semester, she went to class zero times, and her professor was none the wiser.
04
THe top ten Annoyances of Syllabus Week
getting rid of
the christmas crap
10) The syllabus: There are two very irritating things about a syllabus. One: They’re the most repetitive pieces of material ever written. Two: teachers go into microscopic detail about every little assignment, project and paper throughout the entire course. Oh, so you expect me to remember the specific content you want for an analysis paper that’s not due until April? I don’t even remember what I had for breakfast.
Hannah Weyer wrote this We’ve all been there. We’ve all sat in front of a family member or sweetheart or slightly slow and overly affectionate neighbor and lied to their face on Christmas. No, thank you, Billy. It really is a pretty rock. I can’t wait to put it with my other Christmas rocks. Please stop crying, Billy, I do love it. Lying on Christmas is a normal and healthy part of any relationship. We can all relate. Unfortunately, lying gets you no closer to getting rid of the Christmas crap than a canoe would get you to Nevada. You just have to be a little more creative than that. For example, did you know ugly sweaters from your grandmother invariably look adorable on your dog? It’s true! And the list of great ways to get rid of Christmas crap goes on! Like: CDs: I don’t know how that Justin Bieber CD came into your possession. Maybe your little cousin hoped you would immediately re-gift it back to him. Maybe your senile great aunt mistook you for a 9-year-old girl, again, this year. Maybe you even have a dark secret love of him or your brother gets a kick out of humiliating you at the Christmas tree. Who cares, we’re not here to judge. All that matters is it makes you happy. And if hearing a 17-year-old white boy from Canada call girls “shawty” doesn’t do it for you, you owe it to yourself to turn that CD into something you will enjoy. Using a CD, a balloon, glue and some other crap my attention span won’t let me list, you can make your very own hovercraft to race down any absolutely smooth surface. Or if destruction is more your thing, cut up the CD and glue itty bitty shards on the cheap earrings your little sister got you from the dollar store. This makes an excellent statement about how willing you are to have bad music in your earballs and looks fabulous if you let your gay friend do it for you.
9) “Didn’t you check your GoWMU e-mail before class?” No. I was on vacation. The second after I got my grades I forced myself to forget that school even existed. Therefore, print off your syllabus and bring enough copies for all of your students. That way the 95% of the class that’s normal and doesn’t look like a bunch of slackers.
create the universal college tool- a hollowed out book for your sweet, sweet flask. Ask the 38-year-old guy in your English class—he can teach you how. Clothes: Ugly clothes are a Christmas staple that have been around since Jesus was wrapped in swaddling clothes, which was so 100B.C. To be fair, gold and frankincense are both really hard acts to follow (maybe also myrrh, I don’t know. I have no freaking clue what myrrh is.), and if Mary had to birth him in a barn and was low on her Bridge Card funds, what’s a girl to do?
"did you know ugly sweaters from your grandmother invariably look adorable on your dog? It's true!"
Books: Psh. Books. With the invention of TV and crying, who even reads anymore? Not you. And you definitely don’t read Charles Dickens since you’ve been out of high school. What was your dad thinking? But fear not! That monster tome can be put to good use yet! Tear out a page, cut it into a square and find your closest girlfriend. Her female instincts will take over her body, and cause her to black out for thirty seconds as she folds it to create your very own cootie catcher! “Shall I go to class today, cootie catcher?” “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor!” “Wow, thanks for clearing that up!” As long as you’re destroying your book, may as well
If you’re good with scissors and other sewing implements I do not know of, chances are you can turn the snowman sweater into an adorable pillow, or the pajama jeans your trashy aunt gifted you into a seat cover or something. If you’re only good with scissors, boom—lifetime supply of drink coasters. Or give the clothes to Goodwill. Christmas is, like, the season of charity or something. If All Else Fails: If you like money more than you like beer cozies or tiny hovercrafts, a good option might be Wal-Mart’s “No Receipt Return” thing. I haven’t had the opportunity to try it because my family loves me, but if you have a gift you don’t like that Wal-Mart sells, you can return it for up to $25 cash or a fabulous gift card. To be honest, it hurts my soul to suggest Wal-Mart, but y’all are college students. You can buy stuff from wherever you want. I just hope it’s warm enough for you in Hell. Next year when Aunt Marjorie and Uncle Rufus decide that they know what’s best for a 20-year-old and gift you a book on preparing for married life, you won’t have to fake a smile. The sound of cash registers clinking in your head will be all the joy you need.
8) The overachiever: If you come to the first day of class with a color-coordinated binder that includes a folder and notebook filled with notes on Chapter 1 already, you sit in the front of the class, and try to become BFFs with the professor, the rest of the class will want to light you on fire. Good thing you don’t have eyes in the back of your head, you miss the dirty looks. 7) Lecture and notes the first day: Dear teachers that do this, why do you want to personally ruin syllabus week? You have 14 weeks to make our lives a living hell, at least let this week be easy enough that we can actually enjoy Wayside Wednesday. 6) That bitch that asks too many questions: There’s a different between asking a professor to extend on a point you don’t understand, and giving him an out so he can wax poetic about his life’s calling for 20 minutes. Stop doing the latter. 5) Not knowing your roommates’ schedules: You didn’t see these people for a whole month and now you have some serious catching up to do. Too bad they have a chaotic Tuesday and a murderous Thursday, while your MWF is a real motherfucker. 4) Walking into class and having to make new friends: If you don’t already know people, the first few days of class are a hunt for “class friends.” These people are a necessity if you enjoy skipping class occasionally. Start up that awkward small talk immediately and try to get the smart one’s digits. 3) Fatty Patty who eats the entire class period: You know her, she sits down after moving everyone’s stuff around and whips out a family-sized portion of every food group, except the veggies. Of course she does this when you’re starving. Funniest of all, once she was done with her feast she realized she was in the wrong class and made even more noise getting up to leave. 2) Getting a spring semester parking pass: I’m not lying when I say it took me a good half hour to find out that the “One-Stop” place was located on the second floor of the Bernhard Center. Have these people not heard of very large directional signs? 1) Looking like a freshman trying to find your class: I don’t care if you’re a super, super senior, every single person is scrambling the first day of classes trying to find out where the hell to go. You might know where the buildings are—well hopefully—but you have no idea where room G 010100 is off the top of your head. Go ahead, whip out your notebook paper with your room number on it and feel confident when you check the map at the entrance of the building. Everyone’s doing it.
dana borzea wrote this
05
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broncos (soon) going wild! Kelly Weatherwax wrote this
Half gallons all the way: The chance to get shitty in paradise is already pushing your budget ballin’ bank account to the brink, so make sure you buy your booze in bulk. Nothing is better than those two and half fifths all together in Plan it with your “fun” friends: Don’t try to deny it, we all have two groups of friends, the one classy, plastic bottle. Make chill ones you watch Friends episodes with and those who get you riled up enough to karaoke sure to top off before you hit the bars, or else you’ll be forced to Afroman’s classic “Colt 45.” When it comes to spring break you better make sure you’re say goodbye to feeding yourself going with people who want to have the same kind of (depraved) trip as you. Let’s face it: everyone has their ideal (depraved) vacation, and yours will only be successful (depraved) if the rest of the semester. Half galeveryone on the trip has the same (depraved) goals in mind. (Hint: If you haven’t already no- lons of Burnett’s are as cheap as ticed, the sober, virgin, Bible-hugging friends are not the best choice for this type of event, they come, but every shot might give you instant flashbacks of the but you might want to call them up afterward, repenting is a quick ticket into heaven.) reason why you didn’t make it into Wild Bull all over again. Hit the gym and the tanning booth: If you’re planning on traveling with the typical college girl that just NEEDS to take a picture of everyone doing everything all fucking day long, then be prepared for the camera flash. A conservative estimate pegs the photo count at 300 Flying vs. Road trip: Always a photos per day, and unless you’ve been hiding under a Chip’s fat roll the past several years, tough decision that is muddled by many factors, including money, memories, and who’s going you know they’re all going on Facebook. Plan ahead (read: now) to look your best whenever to drive and not kill everyone in the car. Consider driving, the road trip is half the fun of the experience, and with four people crammed in a Honda Civic, it’s a fraction of the cost of flyshe’s around, and pray to the beach gods that she doesn’t get any of you nude, puking or ing. If you choose to get lifted then you’re probably loaded (with cash), buy expensive drinks even worse…dancing. on the plane and get there way faster for maximum skin cancer exposure. With ugly Christmas sweaters and slutty New Year’s Eve gowns packed away, 2012 is really here. Students’ minds are now shifting to the most important part of spring semester: the new E-Learning system! Fuck that, I’m talking about spring break, seven days of straight bikinis and beer, with Jimmy Buffet playing in the background. Unsure of which sunny state you’ll show your sun-don’t-shine in early March? The time to start planning your week of forgotten-but-unforgettable debauchery is now.
Go somewhere warm: The point of spring break is to get out of the bitch stepmom-level Whatever choices you make, be certain they’ll ensure the best week ever. With these few nasty Michigan weather and into somewhere warm. Sure, it may be 40 degrees in January, tips you can have a great spring break, but don’t forget to make Western proud on the but in March who knows if Old Man Winter is going to re-up on his Viagra supply to dick us beach! over, hard. Ideal spring break getaway locations this year are Punta Cana, Cancun, Vegas, Panama City Beach, Miami and South Padre. It’s science: The sun brings out the sloppiness in us all.
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new years resolutions
that you keep to yourself and never tell anyone about! lulu lemon wrote this
But every year there are always those unique resolutions that people make that never get whispered to a single soul. Why? Because if the resolver doesn’t keep up with it, their friends will give them guff for the entire year. So, if they don’t tell anyone and they fail to follow their resolution…they’re shit-talking free. And so the list begins: 1) Deleting your profile for, or diminishing your time on social networks such as Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, etc. There’s more than a handful of people that make a huge deal about deleting their Facebook because they don’t care what other people are doing, it’s so lame, blah blah. Fine with me, no one cares what you do with your "networking" anyway. (This resolution is broke by January 1st, late afternoon, by the hungover and bored). 2) There’s those of us who actually enjoy the guy or girl we’re currently hooking up with, and would like them to be our boyfriend/ girlfriend. Find a way to tell them, and hope for the best, otherwise you're really just the slut people are claiming you to be. Unless the significant humper’s offering candy on Valentine’s Day. If that’s the case, chill until after February 14th. 3) Millions will promise that they’ll wean themselves off of the collective Kardashian teat. Why? They’re tired of the fake drama bullshit. Kim made $18 million off her wedding then was divorced 72 days later. Role model of 2012? Only if you’re the goldest of diggers.
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4) Many will do their best to dress for success in the board and bedroom. For those promising to wear like they care, find clothes that fit you, especially you legging-wearing thick girls. Please, please, please do us all a favor and just cover up. If all else fails, jeans will suffice. Here’s a trick, if you can see every crevice of your fat outlined through the leggings take them off and immediately step away from the thin, tight pants. 5) Replace one terrible reality show (Jersey Whore, Real Housewives of No-One-Cares, Toddlers & Tiaras & Child Protective Services) you’re currently watching with one wonderful scripted show currently available on television. Swap suggestion: HBO’s Enlightened. 6) If you’re still blacking out weekly, learn your limits and stop that. It’s not freshman year anymore people, so learn to drink if you want to keep your grades high and stay alive long enough to walk across the stage to receive the diploma you worked so casually for. A lot of these are going to be hard to handle, but have faith, WMU students! Remember that you’re not magically going to wake up one morning and lose 15 pounds or have a spotless room or make the Dean’s list. It all starts with you and your own motivation to really want to make a change. Let's try to actually be better people this year. If you can't, well I hope you make a decent decision sometime soon because I feel kind of bad for you; only kind of though.
This is not an invitation! Stop by The Grotto to get yours. Mention "The Black Sheep" to the bartender anytime before the event for VIP Invites!
Every New Year comes, and when it goes with next morning’s sunrise what’s left are hazy memories of fake resolutions that people want to accomplish, hopeful that they’ll be better people on the other side of the tunnel. Well here's a fun fact: 15% of the general population doesn't even think twice about their resolution after the end of February. Why? Well, we just go back to our old shitty ways, we could care less about losing weight or being nicer to people or swearing less. Fuck that shit.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
3rd Annual Grotto V.I.P. Party Sunday, January 15 9pm - Close $3 U-CALL-ITS Catering by The Grotto Cocktail Attire Required
Mention The Black Sheep to the Bartender anytime prior to the party for VIP Invites!
THURS, 1/12
Buy 1, Get 1 FREE Sandwiches, Burgers, and Wraps $22.5 Domestic Mugs 7 - 10pm $2.50 Wells $2.50 Bud and Bud Lite Bottles $3 SoCo Limes 9pm - 1am
FRI, 1/13
T. Grottio. I. F. $1 Rolling Rock Pints $4 Long Island / Beach $3 Washington Apple Shots Drink Specials: 9pm - 1am $5 Appetizers
SAT, 1/14
FRIDAY: 19 and Up Night! $1 Domestic Drafts $2 House Shots Progressive Wells from 8-12 Starting at $1.50 $1 Rolling Rock Cans Starting at Midnight
Lucas Pederson Live 9p-1a All Day Happy Hour (12PM - Close) $2.50 Wells and Calls
½ Off All food and Drinks Noon-Midnight
$4 All Bombs, $4 Shot AND a Beer (well shot & domestic bottle) $10 Pizza AND Beer (large 1 topping & domestic pitcher) $1 Off All Bottles (6PM - Close)
$3 Bloody Marys $2 Domestic 22oz Drafts $2 House Shots
Open for special events only. Call to find out what counts!
$2.50 22oz Budweiser and Bud Light $2 House Shots
$2 for 2 tacos 3-11pm $2.50 All BELL’S Beer $3.00 Long Island, Long Beach, Blue Island
booze-day tuesday $3 Anything 9-1am $0.45 Wings
9 Delicious Flavors to Choose From!
$0.50 Drafts Live Music featuring Tim Pallin and Jeremy Sprague
“W” Club night (3PM - Close) Members Only, Ask About Joining! $3 Domestic Liters, $5 Specialty Liters & $5 Wings TEAM TRIVIA 8pm PK Passport Night: 1/2 Off Startup, $1 Off Bottles, $5 Wings
live team trivia at 8pm 1st Place $30, 2nd $20, 3rd $10 $3 Miller Lite MUGS 8-1am $3 Bacardi/Smirnoff Mixers (flavors included) $3 Miller Lite Mugs Drink Specials: 9pm - 1am GROTTOHOLIC DISCOUNT DAY 33% off all regular priced food/drink items
$2.50 22oz Miller Lite $2.75 Wells, $2 House Shots $1 Tacos & Karaoke Bags Tournament w/ Ca$h Prize
Waldo's Vodka Night (6-Close) $3 Shots & Drinks, $5 Martinis 1/2 Off Food for WMU and K College STAFF FREE POOL Starworld Dart League
2 Domestic Pints, 2 Side Salads and a Large 1-Topping Pizza for $20!
3rd Annual Grotto V.I.P. Party Sunday, January 15 9pm - Close $3 U-CALL-ITS Catering by The Grotto Cocktail Attire Required
Mention The Black Sheep to the Bartender anytime prior to the party for VIP Invites!
MON, 1/16 TUES, 1/17 WED, 1/18
Pitcher Night $6.25+ Mixed Drink Pitchers $5.50 Domestic Beer Pitchers $2 Waldo's Shots (bartenders choice) $1 Burgers
19 and Up Night! $1 Domestic Drafts $2 House Shots
$2.50 U CALL IT 3pm-1am
SUN, 1/15
$1 PBR Pints ($2 in your mug if you're a mug club member) for all Detroit HOME games! $2.50 Tall Boys for ALL Detroit games (Miller Lt., Bud & Bud Lt., & PBR) STUDY HALL Daily 3-6 $1 PBR, $2.50 Well & Call Drinks New Fall 2011 TAPAS Menu: Everything $3 or Less!
Burgers and Brews $4 Deluxe Burger Baskets & $1 PBR Pints 3pm - 1am $3 Manager Choice Shots $2 Domestic Bottles | $1 PBR Pints Drink Specials: 9pm - 1am GROTTOHOLIC DISCOUNT DAY 33% off all regular priced food/drink items
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The Bar Grid THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50
Saturday! UFC Fight 142 $2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am Large, 1-Topping Pizza $7.99
FRIDAY Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys
1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11
SPECIAL NIGHT
LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS
Canadian Nights $3 Labatt and Molson $6.50 Medium Pizza
Monster Thursday $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas 18+ Allowed!
Ladies Night! $5 Martinis $3 U Call Its $6.75 Man-tinis (Open - 12)
THURS, 1/12
9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums
Draft Night! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leinie Pints $4.99 3 Shot Martinis Dance Club Open
Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys
$1 Bud and Bud Lite Pints $3 You-Call-It $6.75 Mantini's (Open to 1)
FRI, 1/13
After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
UFC Fight 142 $2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am Large, 1-Topping Pizza $7.99
Party Night! $3.50 Featured Domestic Bottles $4 Sex on the Beach
$.50 Rolling Rock Drafts $1.50 Well Drinks
SAT, 1/14
Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells
$12 Buckets of Beer Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3.99 Build Your Own Burger
Closed
1/2 Off ALL Food and Drink with WMU ID card or SIN card
SUN, 1/15
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub
$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs $3.75 Premium and Specialty Mugs 35 cent Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings
Closed
$5 Man-Tini $5 1 Item Pizzas $3 Domestic Mugs
MON, 1/16
$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands
Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off! $6.50 Medium Pizza
Closed
1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11
TUES, 1/17
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells
College Night at Wayside $0.50 drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ Stoz Dance Club Open!
Closed
$2 Drafts and Pints (Open - 12) $12 Martini Sampler
WED, 1/18
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
ALL Red Wings Games $3 Miller Lt / Molson Mugs ALL Pistons Games $3 Miller Lt / Leinenkegel Mugs HAPPY HOUR 3-7PM $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Micro Brew Pints, $2.50 WELLS
THURS, 1/19
Buy 1, Get 1 FREE Sandwiches, Burgers, and Wraps $2.50 Domestic Mugs (7-10pm) $2.50 Wells and Bud/Bud Lt Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots 9pm - 1am
FRI, 1/20
T. Grotto. I. F. $1 Rolling Rock Pints $4 Long Island / Beach $3 Washington Shots Drink Specials: 9pm - 1am $5 Appetizers
SAT, 1/21
2 Domestic Pints, 2 Side Salads, and a Large 1-Topping Pizza for $20
TUESDAY: $0.50 Drafts Live Music featuring Tim Pallin and Jeremy Sprague
$1 PBR Pints ($2 in your mug if you're a mug club member) for all Detroit HOME games! $2.50 Tall Boys for ALL Detroit games (Miller Lt., Bud & Bud Lt., & PBR) STUDY HALL Daily 3-6 $1 PBR, $2.50 Well & Call Drinks New Fall 2011 TAPAS Menu: Everything $3 or Less!
Progressive Wells from 8-12 Starting at $1.50
Pitcher Night $6.25+ Mixed Drink Pitchers $5.50 Domestic Beer Pitchers $2 Waldo's Shots $1 Burgers
$1 Rolling Rock Cans Starting at Midnight
$1 Domestic Drafts $2 House Shots
½ Off All food and Drinks Noon-Midnight
$2.50 U CALL IT 3pm-1am
Colin Johnson Live 9-1 All Day Happy Hour (12PM - Close) $2.50 Wells and Calls Fly Paper Live 9-1 $4 All Bombs $4 Shot AND a Beer
(well shot & domestic bottle)
$10 Pizza AND Beer
(large 1 topping & domestic pitcher)
$1 Off All Bottles (6PM - Close)
SUN, 1/22
FUNDAY SUNDAY $3 WELLS | $5 Domestic Pitchers $7 Bell's / Blue Moon Pitchers Buy Any Deep Dish Pizza, Get Capone Sticks FREE GROTTOHOLIC DISCOUNT DAY (33% Off ALL Regular Priced Food/ Drink Items)
$3 Bloody Marys $2 Domestic 22oz Drafts $2 House Shots
Open for special events only. Call to find out what counts!
MON, 1/23
Burgers and Brews $4 Deluxe Burger Baskets and $1 PBR Pints 3pm - 1am $3 Manager Choice Shots $2 Domestic Bottles | $1 PBR Pints Drink Specials: 9pm - 1am GROTTOHOLIC DISCOUNT DAY 33% off all regular priced food/drink items
$2.50 22oz Budweiser and Bud Light $2 House Shots
$2 for 2 tacos 3-11pm $2.50 All BELL’S Beer $3.00 Long Island, Long Beach, Blue Island
booze-day tuesday $3 Anything 9-1am $0.45 Wings
9 Delicious Flavors to Choose From
$0.50 Drafts Live Music featuring Tim Pallin and Jeremy Sprague
“W” Club night (3PM - Close) Members Only, Ask About Joining! $3 Domestic Liters, $5 Specialty Liters & $5 Wings TEAM TRIVIA 8pm PK Passport Night: 1/2 Off Startup, $1 Off Bottles, $5 Wings
live team trivia at 8pm 1st Place $30, 2nd $20, 3rd $10 $3 Miller Lite MUGS 8-1am $3 Bacardi/Smirnoff Mixers (flavors included) $3 Miller Lite Mugs Drink Specials: 9pm - 1am GROTTOHOLIC DISCOUNT DAY 33% off all regular priced food/drink items
$2.50 22oz Miller Lite $2.75 Wells, $2 House Shots $1 Tacos & Karaoke Bags Tournament w/ Ca$h Prize
Waldo's Vodka Night (6-Close) $3 Shots & Drinks $5 Martinis 1/2 Off Food for WMU and K College STAFF FREE POOL
TUES, 1/24 WED, 1/25
@Black_Sheep_WMU All your friends are doing it
The Bar Grid THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50
Saturday LIVE MMA FIGHT! 6pm
FRIDAY Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys
1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11
SPECIAL NIGHT
LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS
Canadian Nights $3 Labatt and Molson $6.50 Medium Pizza
Monster Thursday $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas 18+ Allowed!
Ladies Night! $5 Martinis $3 U Call Its $6.75 Man-tinis (Open - 12)
THURS, 1/19
9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums
Draft Night! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leinie Pints $4.99 3 Shot Martinis Dance Club Open
Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys
$1 Bud and Bud Lite Pints $3 You-Call-It $6.75 Mantini's (Open to 1)
FRI, 1/20
After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
LIVE MMA FIGHT! 6pm $2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am 1-Topping Large Pizza $7.99
Party Night! $3.50 Featured Domestic Bottles $4 Sex on the Beach
$.50 Rolling Rock Drafts $1.50 Well Drinks
SAT, 1/21
Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells
$12 Buckets of Beer Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3.99 Build Your Own Burger
Closed
1/2 Off ALL Food and Drink with WMU ID card or SIN card
SUN, 1/22
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub
$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs $3.75 Premium and Specialty Mugs 35 cent Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings
Closed
$5 Man-Tini $5 1 Item Pizzas $3 Domestic Mugs
MON, 1/23
$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands
Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off! $6.50 Medium Pizza
Closed
1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11
TUES, 1/24
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells
College Night at Wayside $0.50 drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ Stoz Dance Club Open!
Closed
$2 Drafts and Pints (Open - 12) $12 Martini Sampler
WED, 1/25
$2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am 1-Topping Large Pizza $7.99
our 2012 predictions February 5: After completing a last-second
Hail Mary to secure a 27-25 victory in Super Bowl XLVI, Tim Tebow suffers a massive heart attack and dies on the field. Unlike Jesus, he doesn’t have to wait three days, and immediately ascends to heaven.
By Brendan
April 5: On the night NBC
airs the series finale for critical darling Community, show creator Dan Harmon commits suicide. He leaves a note littered with sex jokes, references to alcoholism and forced laughter, titling it, “Are You There, Idiots, It’s Me, Dan.”
June 6: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, unveils the iPhone5 to a stunned audience. The updated Siri software offers several voice options, ranging from “sassy black lady” to “unintelligibly Asian.” Shareholders vote him out later that week.
march 22:
january 30: In a shocking move, Arrested Development creator Mitchell Hurwitz announces there will be no movie, claiming, “…And that’s why you don’t expect anything good to happen, ever.”
Less than six months after filing for divorce, Kim Kardashian shocks the world with a surprise second marriage, to a mirror. When questioned, Kim replies, “Because now I’m always with someone I truly love.”
may 18: Universal pictures releases board game science fiction film Battleship. Across the United States several branches of the National Alliance for Mental Illness protest the film, asking that Universal stop releasing films that “pander to our demographic.”
The Dark Knight Rises (as Will Your Penis When Watching the) Trailer Holy fucking shit— if this is the year I finally die from alcohol, the Mayan apocalypse, or butt worms, please let it be after I see The Dark Knight Rises. A life lived without seeing the third act of the Batman thrill-ogy would clearly be a life not worth living at all. Down the road, when all of us are on our respective deathbeds (from the inevitable plagues of Robot-Lupus and Super-Diabetes), at least each of us will be able to remember marriage, having kids, and of course—watching The Dark Knight Rises. So far, our groveling nation has only been privy to the trailer of said movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, you’re an idiot, but don’t worry… your fun Uncle Justin is here to walk you through the experience of this anythingbut-average trailer. It begins with the National Anthem being sung by a small child at a football stadium. It’s the calm before the impending storm—a storm that’s brewing both on the screen and in your pants. A quick straightening of your trouser region is encouraged to free up some room at this point, as your Dick Cheney will be readying himself to fire at someone or something at any time. At this point, you’re going to be sweating a lot. There’s really no getting around it, either—I mean, you’re getting aroused, your pre-boner is in effect, and you’re watching the new Batman trailer; it’s only natural that you’re dripping moisture as if a post-Katrina levee has broken all over you. Suddenly, Christopher Nolan’s name flashes across the screen causing your schlong to go from a halfchub to a Rigid Richard in record time.
You’ll debate trying to hide this Woody Allen of yours, but ultimately decide that pulling your attention away from this trailer isn’t worth it. Plus, if anyone were to call you out on it, you could instantly question why they were fixated on your crotch when there is nothing but pure Batman-badassery taking place on the giant screen in front of them. The screen then cuts to Bane watching a gaggle of gunwielding convicts emerge from a hole in a prison wall. Flashbacks from a Thanksgiving parade in Detroit start flooding back to you as your vision begins to narrow from this fear-boner situation. This causes more blood from your brain to rush away from your senses and down to your already-fiery crotch. Congratulations, your ticket to Boner-roo can now be punched. Your fingers grip the armrests and the muscles in your legs start to twitch uncontrollably. A football field explodes on screen and a soft involuntary grunt comes out of your mouth. You’re so close to sexual release that you debate pulling a Pee Wee Herman and just pumping those last few strokes out, but alas, you reconsider when you remember what happened to him after that. Even though you know the consequences, you can’t help yourself. Between the pure, unadulterated awesomeness of every gadget, the Batwing chasing tanks, and epic battle scenes from start to finish, you finally break and start orgasming uncontrollably. You make an erect deposit in the front of your pants just as the final image fades.
A few moments pass and you regain control of your body once again. You take a quick survey of your surroundings before you slink out of the theater (since you really only came for The Dark Knight Rises trailer and don’t really give a shit about watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol). You make the awkward walk to the bathroom and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Once you’re there, you’ll clean up that pool of Hellman’s man-naise that has collected in your underpants and head home to bed to see it all over again in your dreams.
2012 predictions July 20: In a surprise
reveal, audiences discover The Dark Knight Rises is also a sequel to another Christian Bale vehicle: American Psycho. Christopher Nolan explains that Batman is actually the psychotic Patrick Bateman’s humbler, do-gooder split personality.
september 8: In a last-gasp attempt to remain relevant, Miley Cyrus’ Playboy spread hits newsstands. Pedophiles ignore her for being too old, while the rest of the world continues to masturbate to DVDA internet pornography.
November 6:
In his Presidential victory speech, 3rd party candidate Ron Paul reveals the true extent of his previous hinted at racism, noting, “I'm going to show every black woman in this bitch my white house!”
october 2: Less august 12: Dr.
Dre’s long-anticipated Detox is finally released. Accountants in their mid-thirties the world over rejoice, while high school kids wonder why Eminem’s step dad is rapping.
cd review
than a year old, Blue Ivy Carter, the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, releases her first album, Destiny’s Child. It debuts at #1 on Billboard, and makes the prodigy the youngest self-made millionaire ever.
out now
snow patrol Fallen Empires Snow Patrol falls, but we're not sure where the empire part comes from.
Snow Patrol is similar to U2 in two very unexpected ways: 1) They are both from Ireland, (which is quite obvious about U2), but less obvious about Snow Patrol. 2) They’re both really freakin’ popular, especially in the UK, which, again, is pretty obvious for U2, but… Snow Patrol? These are the same dudes who sang “Chasing Cars” back in 2006 and wooed every female fan of Grey’s Anatomy (and probably some of the dudes too). However, I think we all know how most people feel about U2; they suck. Sure, they are popular and lots of people love the hell out of them, but does that make necessarily make them “good”? After all, taste in music comes down to personal preference, just like your feelings toward vegan cupcakes and Mission Impossible movies. Different strokes for different folks, and so far I don’t like anything that has been mentioned. (I don’t even really like snow.) While Snow Patrol makes safe radio-friendly tunes, they are far from memorable and not much different than any of the other wannabe huge alt-rock band from the early 2000s. If there’s one thing these guys do have down, it’s their ability to relate to anyone and everyone. From break-ups and isolation to loneliness and love, these
December 20:
The world wakes to K’iche’, the Mayan god of death. With John Cusack on vacation the world’s leaders are forced to nuke the entire world to prevent K’iche’s dark reign, thus fulfilling the prophecy.
GRADE D
guys sure don’t skimp on the emotional aspect of their music. At the same time, it’s not like these topics are anywhere close to original (and their boring beats that play over Gary Lightbody’s earnest yet forgettable lyrics are equally as unoriginal). The entire album plays as a few plain guitar melodies and one long, drawnout lyric sung by a guy who’s on the verge of tears the entire time. And despite R.E.M’s Michael Stipe helping out on lyrics, nothing seems to give this album anything truly worthwhile. But hey, don’t worry, Ireland—you’re not all bad music and blacked out gingers. You’ve got Damien Rice, whom I have no complaints about; The Cardigans, who have given me one of my signature karaoke tunes, “Lovefool,” Guinness (and loads of other fine beers), as well as plenty of motherfuckin’ whiskey (and everyone loves whiskey even if they say it makes them “angry”). Last but not least, let’s not forget St. Patrick’s Day—the number one reason why the Irish totally rule. So, Slainte! And sorry about the music! Download: “Lovefool” by the Cardigans. Listen to it When: You’re a fifth of whiskey in and it’s better than hearing a bagpipe.
UPCOMING RELEASES Joshua Bell - French Impressions David Chowder - Give Us Rest
Pink Floyd -Wish You Were Here Red Wanting Blue - From the Vanishing Point
Young London - Young London Nirvana - Live at the Paramount
Keepaway - Black Flute Bill Ryder-Jones - If...
14
Bartender
of the
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Issue
mres e D e s e r e Th /Y-Bar t s e W e id s Way
Nickname: “T” Status: Graduate from Kalamazoo College Major: Psychology Favorite Drink Recipe: “T-15” Strawberry Vodka, Raspberry Vodka, Water, Hint of Lime Juice Favorite Shot Recipe: “Strawberry Sensation” Strawberry Vodka, Dragon Berry Rum, Watermelon Pucker, Cranberry Juice, Orange Juice, Sour, Sprite Favorite “I Dare You” Recipe: Well Gin “If you can handle that, you can handle anything.” Marry, Fuck or Kill – Channing Tatum, Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling: I would probably marry and fuck Channing and kill the other two. Dream Date: My boyfriend, Shane, and I would go to dinner at a nice, seafood restaurant and then to a Brian McKnight
drinking game
pitcher ball Baseball, basketball, football and hockeyball are all considered national pastimes. A new hero enters stage left: pitcherball. A game for gentlemen and ladies of a less athletic slant. Number of Players: Two or four players, in two teams. What You Need: Two tables, a pitcher, some ping pong balls and some brewskis. Intoxication Level: You’ll want to put your balls in the pitcher. How to Play: -Set up two tables approximately eight feet apart. -Place the pitcher on one of the tables and fill it with beer. -Both teams stand behind the table that does not have beer on it. -Teams alternate shooting, in which one player attempts to bounce a ping pong ball off of the near table, into the pitcher sitting on the far table. -If a team makes a ping pong ball into the pitcher, that team scores one point and the other team must drink out of the pitcher for three seconds. -The first team to ten points wins. The losing team must finish the remaining beer in the pitcher. The Game Ends When: Someone pukes because of the backwash in the pitcher.
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
concert. Oh, and Brian would call me onto the stage and sing to me! Favorite Movie of All Time: I have two; Love and Basketball and Annie. I wanted to be her when I was a little girl. Funniest Thing You’ve Seen on the Job: Some girl was out celebrating her 21st birthday and she crapped her pants on the dance floor. To make matters worse, she was wearing a white dress! The bouncers were pissed when they had to clean that mess up. Theme Song to Your Life: “We Like to Party” by Vengaboys Dream Destination: Australia for sure, it seems so exotic and different. Signs to cut someone off: 1) They can’t speak 2) They’re leaning up against friends (or randoms) 3) They can’t look me in the eyes 4) They slam their hands on the table a lot.
recipe for disaster:
Early, early, early morning toaster After a long night there’s only one thing better than waking up to a glorious, filling, almost vomit-inducing breakfast: Making it before you go to bed. What You’ll Need: Sausage patty, eggs, peanut butter, bread Cook Time: About fifteen minutes. Fatty Factor: Goodbye New Year’s Resolution Let’s Get Baked: -Prepare your sausage patty in one skillet. -In another skillet, begin frying your eggs. -Place two pieces of toast in the toaster. -When the toast is ready, slather peanut butter on each piece. -When the sausage and egg are both ready, place them on the toast. -Enjoy! Sweet, savory, fatty, meaty, crunchy. What else could satisfy the drunk food pyramid at four in the morning? Pineapple pizza? That shit’s nasty.
The Black Sheep Spring Semester Presents
2012 Prospectus
Think spring 2012 is destined to a semester-long balls-to-the-wall blast? Certain that the 18 hours you’re forced to take will keep you sunshine-free until late May? Fear not! The Black Sheep is here to help.
social life
+1 For each bar within walking distance of your apartment. +1 For every 100 miles away your spring break destination is. +1 For every sitting area your apartment has. +1.5 For each member of the opposite sex living less than three doors away from you. +2 For each friend you have working in the service industry. +2 For every late-night food establishment or taxi cap number in your phone. +2 For each person you know who can sneak you into a campus cafeteria. +3 For each $1,000 in student aid you have left in your bank account. +3 For each club you happily participate in. +10 For each credit card your parents gave you. -1 For each person you have to share a bathroom with. -1 For every year old your car is. -2 For every 50 miles away your significant other is. -5 For each resume-building club you’re in.
SOCIAL LIFE SCORE: ________
work +2 For every dollar above minimum wage you make. +4 If your manager is the same age as you. +5 If your place of work closes by sundown. +10 If you don’t have a job and your parents support you. -5 If you work in the service industry.
WORK SCORE: ________
class
+1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +2 For every $100 your parents gave you for books. +3 For each class you’re taking in a lecture hall. +4 For each class you’re taking with a friend this semester. +5 For each GPA-boosting elective you’re taking. -1 For every hour before 11 a.m. that class begins, or after 3 p.m. class ends. -2 For each class you’re taking in a small classroom. -3 For each group project on a syllabus. -.25 For each page of classwork you’re required to hand in this semester.
CLASS SCORE: ________
Now add up your score.
A scale of 1-100 will give an accurate measure of how rockin’ your semester will be. Score 100 and you’ll be tagging tail like a genuine beaver trapper. 50? You can do better. 0, um, just stay away from the bleach, okay?
TOTAL SCORE: _____/100
the madlib:
the bookstore Man, I’m so happy my parents decided to give me $__1__ for this semester’s books, after that __2__ GPA last semester I was scared my parents would make me pay my own tuition. Thank god that didn’t happen, can you believe I actually started looking for a job at __3__? According to my list I’m going to need the book for __4__. And… it’s $__5__. Seriously? It’s like the professors are trying to __6__ me with a __7__ wrapped in __8__. Plus, by my count that money could be better spent on two dozen __9__ of __10__. And what’s with this optional reading bullshit? This professor I’ve never met, __11__, recommends that I spend $__12__ so I can learn more about the __13__ of the __14__? It’s like he doesn’t even know that __15__ exists. Well, at least I should spend some of this money on school supplies, by the end of last semester I was drawing pictures of __16__ on a __17__ using a __18__, and that’s gotta change. But can you believe __19__ cost $4 each? I can just make my own out of __20__ and spend the cash at __21__. And why do __22__ come in packs of __23__? I only need one. Eh, I’ll just steal it. If this semester is anything like the last I should probably look into that job at __24__.
1) Amount of money 2) Last semester’s GPA 3) Crappy place of employment 4) Class you’re taking 5) Amount of money 6) Depraved act 7) Object 8) Flexible object 9) Things 10) Thing 11) Professor’s name 12) Amount of money 13) Feature
14) Person or people 15) Vaguely credible website 16) Something vulgar 17) Odd object 18) Poor writing tool 19) School supply 20) Household item 21) Local restaurant 22) School supply 23) Number 24) Crappy place of employment
class tim e
class tim e