The Black Sheep
FR E on E... a s like te ril wea e f ring iel p d agarot in ect st io JM n U!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 2 9/13/12 - 9/19/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheepWVU
Stay In Shape, Just By Going to Class! Meagan O’Day wrote this With each new school year promises are made: you will lose some extra weight, be super-athletic four or five times a week, and wear those cute little yoga shorts that don’t come in adult women’s sizes. “I can totally do it this year,” you say, and then you remember that you have a Monday morning class in Woodburn that projectile vomits homework upon you at the speed of sound. Not to mention organization meetings to attend, and a job in the Evansdale computer lab that you should probably take seriously. You come home from a long-ass day and you just want to sit down and write on Facebook about how you’re reading this incredibly dense book that is changing your perspective on life, while sharing political memes that instill hostility and annoyance in the lucky people who are friends with you. Unfortunately, it’s normal to not have time to do anything outside of your academic schedule, or to not want to make the time to do something less than thrilling because you are tired enough to punch the Zumba instructor in the face for asking you to bounce a little higher. The last thing anyone wants to do is take the PRT or sit in five o’clock traffic for forty five minutes to do some crunches at the SRC that will be negated by a hearty dinner of Ramen and Pop Tarts. Clearly, you have comrades. The “I-don’t-feel-like-it” epidemic is perpetuated and excused in university life. You have to truly want to shed the pounds, even if it means getting up at five A.M. to cry over your elliptical machine. However, because Morgantown, West Virginia is built on the side of a mountain, you really don’t need to do much more than walk across campus to burn some serious calories. Here are some suggestions to keep your gut from sitting on your lap during lecture. Take the Life Sciences Building stairs: All of them. The ones inside the building as well as the treacherous mountainside cement blocks that you scale on your way back from Biology 301. Even if it’s just a little out of your way, you’ll be grateful when you realize your calves remind the Mountaineer plebeians of legendary Greek gods. Sit up straight in class: Naturally, you want to strike that Jell-O pose once you drag your ass into class and secure yourself into a decently comfortable position, but sitting up correctly and engaging your abdominal muscles will help your back and your midsection over time.
the top ten ways to be an awesome roommate. Just leave 'em alone once in a while.
page 5
Stay away from elevators: If you do not have a disability, a broken limb or a huge box to carry, take the damn stairs. It really doesn’t hurt and your legs will benefit greatly. While you are at it, take the steps in front of Stalnaker Hall. You will need to stop half way through and write a letter home to your roommates explaining that you will return before the first snow, but it’s a wonderful form of quasi-quick, habitual exercise. Walk: Walk to class, walk to other campuses, and walk home. It sounds completely inconvenient and well, it is. Withal, your body will adapt to the trek and pretty soon,
what’s inside from the streets
walking from Towers to Engineering will start feeling pretty boss. Naturally, one needs to assume a healthy diet is coming into play here as well. If you stake out the ice cream machine at Hatfields every day and accept deep fried whatever-the-hell as a genuine meal, none of this will count for shit. Start changing your habits as soon as possible, that way, when you do get a chance to actually go to the gym, you won’t have to be bed ridden the whole next day because you can’t feel your knees.
what is something you wish you knew as a freshman?
confessions of a college house pet.
page 6
page 10
we can barely take care of ourselves, let alone a pet.
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4
page 4: an inside look at: the untold horror of the girl's bathroom. Girls are supposed to be unicorns and rainbows, not hairballs and used tampons.
Table of
page 5: five people you meet in college and hate instantly. we're all sort of on this list, so we all hate each other, and a little bit of ourselves.
page 11: bartender of the week. Bobby n. at rock top is just a standup dude.
page 13: the interview. the black sheep interviews fitz and the tantrums
page 5
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Taking beer goggles to the next level... (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
word of the week Spinsturd:
A piece of poop that wraps all the way around the bowl of a toilet.
“Hey Jeff, come look at this spinsturd I dropped after eating all that cheese!”
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An Inside Look At: The Untold Horror of the Girl’s Bathroom
theblacksheeponline.com
Zoë Kremke wrote this Your alarm goes off, and slowly but surely you get out of bed. Half asleep, you shuffle down the hall in your fluffy slippers and mindlessly feel your way into a stall of your floor’s community bathroom. Suddenly, out of the corner of your eye you spot a, a—what the shit is that? You crane your neck and examine it further as all of your worst lavatory-related fears are confirmed. Yup, it’s an old tampon; a filthy, rancid, old tampon that’s just hanging out to say, “Hello!” first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, this sort of early morning “greeting” isn’t as uncommon as you assumed it would be before moving in.
really get anymore horrifying than that? Probably not, you think, hopeful that mercy is in sight.
Most people believe that girls are cleanly creatures who poop rainbows and live in a world of singing silk unicorns. Wrong, but understandably so. After all, girls do smell like flowers and baked goods 97.23% of the time, and they do seem more put together than their male counterparts. However, all of that repressed messiness explodes in community bathrooms. A quick peek around any dorm’s WC will tell you everything that you didn’t need to know about girls. The first week held the relatively minor shock of clogged toilets, grimecoated tile floors, broken toilet paper dispensers, an array of used tissues coating the countertops, unmentionable stains on the toilet seats, and, of course, the aforementioned grubby tampon incident. Could it
With more unanswered questions than an X-Files episode, you decide to investigate. Why do your floormates insist on creating a space less sanitary than a pigpen? Do they really just not give a shit (pun fully intended)? Maybe that’s the case, or maybe—just maybe—there’s something deeper in the female psyche that causes this haywire college-dorm phenomenon you’re experiencing.
Well, you were definitely incorrect, because the subject of the showers has not even been broached! There you find enough hair in the drains to donate to Locks of Love as a cruel April Fool’s prank. Not to mention the endless piles of razors, soap bars, and shower-scrunchies that seem to materialize day after day. How do residents forget these things in the shower? Aren’t they sort of necessary, for, like, the next time you need to shower? And how on earth do you forget them every damn day?
Perhaps it’s the “crazy college” bubble that causes this disaster, or maybe it’s just that they’ve been so clean their whole lives at home, that being at college is a whole new world, with unsanitary living as exciting as the new experience of untethered, purely sexual relationships? I
realize that sex isn’t always unsanitary, but these options do seem plausible. Really, we can come to only one conclusion: girls in the dorms are clinically insane. Think about it, leaving a used tampon on the floor is, without a doubt, unforgiveable. Clearly the culprit of such Tampax treachery was beyond insane in the membrane. You’re not the crazy one, they are, and there is no use trying to understand their sick, twisted logic. Keep your chin and toilet seat up, kid, and maybe consider using the bathroom in a different neck of the woods.
now hiring! Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?
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5 People You Meet in College and Hate Instantly Katrina Nicholson wrote this Socially, we are in the midst of a terrifying time. We exit the small pond of high school and enter the creepily large cesspool that is college. By choosing to enter this cesspool we waive our right to avoid interaction with some of the people we'd normally be able to dodge. However, freshmen, you can arm yourself by being aware of the five types of people you’ll find here before sitting next to them in the lecture hall or sharing a seat with them on the bus. Maybe you won't need to fake malaria and run in the other direction. The Study Buddy: This person just desperately wants to be your friend. Unfortunately, they are socially awkward to the point of no return. Their method for nudging their way into a forced friendship is coordinating study dates with unsuspecting laggards. This person will disguise their strange quirks and nasal issues by remaining as silent as possible. Most of the time you will agree to a study date because you see no harm. Well there is harm. This kid will latch onto you like a giant squid on the mask of a scuba diver. Then they’ll leach every ounce of patience and dignity from your poor trembling body. But in all honesty they will probably just sit there and stare at you while you attempt non-geeky conversation. Getting you to hang out with them was step 1, they have no step 2; Because after that, it’s over. They belong to you. Young Entrepreneur: This is the kid who is currently majoring in something like business, finance or marketing. He's headed into the school of management and he thinks he’s hot stuff. He'll check his stock ticker on a 10-minute basis, making notes of his growing 10-dollar investments, and every once in a while making comments about how he “totally was going to invest in Apple back in ‘97 but was too young to put his foot down.” This kid is convinced that he belongs on the Fortune 500 and will make sure everyone knows it. He insists upon wearing his suit to class every day, because he, “doesn't feel comfortable any other way.” Unless you want ill-advised financial advice, steer clear of this guy. He's a mega-douche, and he's the only person who doesn't know it. Stinky Activist: This guy doesn't even need a home. He'd rather be homeless if it helps his cause. He'll run around the quad yelling, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO END WORLD HUNGER?” He'll constantly guilt trip you for your daily decisions, “Do you know, just by eating that burger you are increasing your carbon footprint tenfold?” While he leans over to tell you this, you'll catch a whiff of his unwashed mop of hair that has saved the earth 36 gallons of water. It will smell worse than the shit your dog left on the back porch of your house on a hot summer day. The best way to deter these people is to slit the throat of a baby pig in front of their environmental club. But seriously, if you did that they'd probably leave you alone.
Fake International Student: You may catch this person casually speaking French as they order food at a Mexican restaurant. Oh, are they from France? Oh, no. They just studied there for a semester. This kid got back from their abroad trip, realized how “shitty American culture is” and how “ashamed he is of being American.” So their solution is to just convert themselves to the culture of their former host country. Well guess what kids? This doesn't work. You are American. Hell, you probably don't even speak French correctly. People like this are almost more embarrassing than our ignorant, overweight, stereotypical Americans. If you do decide to befriend these people, all you will ever hear about is their trip abroad, and how much better EVERYTHING is in France, and how badly they want to go back, and how they're even considering doing ANOTHER semester there. Yeah okay, go back. We don't want you here. The Biddy: This is the girl you see in the middle of winter, wearing a short skirt and 6 inch heels. She's already vomited into her small handbag three times and is still determined to make it to that frat house. If you're a male you may enjoy her, because if this girl sees you on the streets she may try to seduce you regardless of your looks. The reason this girl is hated instantly is NOT because she parties. It is because she cannot function in everyday life. The only topics of conversation that interest her are: her North Face jacket, her Victoria's Secret yoga pants, and her Starbucks latte. If you really want to push boundaries she might talk a bit about her favorite Zumba move. But seriously, this is the girl who spends all of lecture on her laptop pinning things on Pinterest and giggling at pictures of puppies and kittens in baskets. If you need someone to get wasted with every weekend, you may choose her. But she will vomit on your face. Now that you know what to look for in your future classmates, you may be able to run and hide before they attack, if any of these descriptions sound like you... Then you may want to reconsider your life decisions and do a personality reconstruction. Because chances are you're pissing the rest of us off by continuing to think you're the shit.
The Top ten
Ways to be an Awesome Roomie You’ve known each other for a few weeks now, you know all their quirks, and you want to kill them. You come back to Copper Beech and start slamming the dishes around, because that stupid bitch hasn’t done a single one since she moved in and she needs to hear you doing them, because it’s easier than telling her to pick up after herself. Delayed texts and locked doors stress you out, and you wonder if you even like each other anymore. Living with another person, especially a stranger, never gets easier. However, there are many things you can do to limit your potential frustration with the angel you cohabitate with. 10. Take a break: Living with someone doesn’t mean you need to be there all of the time. Hang out at your friends’ houses so you aren’t consistently enraging your roommate when your best friend loudly talks about how her boobs are two different sizes. 9. Keep it in the bedroom: If your boyfriend or girlfriend comes over, stay in your room and lock the door for your…ahem…Bible study session. Meetings will be held on the second floor of Mountainlair every Tuesday, you tell your partner, sexily. 8. Pick up after yo’self: If your kitchen starts smelling on the regular because you just had to make onion and cabbage stew on a Sunday, we’re not going to blame your roommate for hating you. 7. Communicate: You’re mad that Tim left the empty Spaghetti-O’s can in the microwave. Tell him directly. Don’t get mad when he politely asks you to clean up that puddle of puke left over from the fun you had at Bent Willey’s last Wednesday. 6. Don’t judge: If you roommate comes back high as a kite and you feel nothing but shame, keep that to yourself. He’s just getting acclimated to his fourth major, horticulture. It’s like, being one with Mother Earth, man. 5. Monitor your guests: If you have friends over and they are being obnoxious, that’s your fault. Be selective as to who you have over and don’t be pissy when Rebecca politely asks that you finally send people home at 4AM. 4. Tune out: Turn on the music to drown out the sound of your roommate complaining to her mom that she doesn’t understand why Sarah won’t just be honest about making out with Rob in Wise, when Rob was totally supposed to go to the fall dance with her. 3. Be respectful of parents: If your roommate’s parents are coming in for the weekend, refrain from hot boxing the kitchen an hour prior to their arrival. That’s just bad form. 2. Mind your manners: If you use the last roll of toilet paper, then be a dear and ship it on over to Kroger to get some more. Feel free to pick up a twelve-pack of Bud Light for your troubles. 1. Go home: Take a trip home once in a while. It’ll remind you how awesome your living buddy really is when they don’t blaze into your room at warp speed on a Saturday morning, reminding you to fill out your FAFSA. Right, mom?
Meagan O’Day wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What is something you know now that you wish you knew as a freshman?
How bad I stood out as a freshman. - Chris C. Sophomore
That you actually have to study. - Aaron C. JuniorÂ
Not to say no to going out with your friends. Â Have as much fun as you can, because 4 years goes by fast. - Danielle V. Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
the classtime
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
Best Man: • Bob Barker • Bob Costas • Bob Ross • Bob Marley
Wedding Entertainment: • Synchronized Swimmers • Soulja Boy • Salsa-Making Instructors • Sammi Sweetheart
Unfortunate Incident: • Parasailing Accident • Poop’s Oneself • Pregnancy • Painkiller Addiction
Maid of Honor: • Heidi Montag • Heidi Klum • Heidi Fleiss • Hawt Heidi, the local stripper
Honeymoon Destination: • Falluja, Iraq • Fat Camp • Fort Wayne, IN • Fantasty Factory
Career Path: • Meth Cook • Marriage Counselor • Master Gardener • Maid
Wedding Caterer: • Chick-fil-a • Church’s Chicken • Chili’s • Crock Pot Potluck
mode of transportation: • Jetski • Jet Boat • Just Walkin’ • Jalopy circa ‘91
Claim to Fame: • Found Alien Life • Famous Zucchini Bread • Fruit Basket Tattoo • Flimsy Arms
some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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The Bar Grid The Red Zone, located in Bent Willey's, is now open for lunch daily.
Every Day Wed-Sat (after midnight) $3 Long Islands $2 Natty Pitchers $5 Motown Blue $2 Italian Ice Shots
Saturday and Sunday: 2-4-1 Everything!
FRIDAY & SATURDAY $3 Wells, $2 Can Beer No Cover Before 10pm
SATURDAY! Miami EDM Night! $2 Bottles, $2 Shot of the Night, $3 Liquid Cocaine, Ecstasy Red Bull and Vodkas, Purple Haze
Beer & Champagne Special 9pm - 11pm $2 Bottles & Mixed Drinks, $3 Bombs After 11
2 for 1’s All Night (Including Premiums) No Cover
Ladies Night! FREE Cover for Girls 2 x 1 Mixed Drinks $2 Shot of the Night $1 Drafts
$3 Wells, $2 Can Beer No Cover Before 10pm
$3 Night! Applesauce, Grape Bombs, Long Island Iced Tea, Jack Daniels, Jager Bombs and Washington Apples!
2-4-1 Everything!
$3 Wells, $2 Can Beer No Cover Before 10pm
Miami EDM Night! $2 Bottles, $2 Shot of the Night, $3 Liquid Cocaine, Ecstasy Red Bull and Vodkas, Purple Haze
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2-4-1 Everything!
Rehab Sunday's Coming Soon!
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MNF in HD! 5 for $10 Domestic Buckets and 0.35 Wings Catch the game on the 80" HD big screen
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tues. 9/18
5-11: $2 Captain, Jack, Smirnoff, Clique, Bacardi and $1 Miller Pints in the Red Zone
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wed. 9/19
BOGO! Buy One, Get One Drinks and $5 Nacho Grandes in the Red zone
$1 Natty Pitchers $1 Mixed Drinks (Drink Specials 9pm-12am)
9pm - 11pm: Jack, Jim, Captain, and Absolut Specials $5 Cover
$1 Shot Wheel Specials No Cover
COLLEGE NIGHT! 18 to Party, 21 to Drink $2 Bottles, $1 Drafts $2 Shot of the Night
SPECIAL NIGHT
Catch all the games in HD, 7 days a week.
thurs. 9/13
NFL Thursday Night football in HD! .35 Cent Wings, $5 Pizzas, $5 Pitchers and $4.50 LIT They Score, We Pour Shots Every TD Live remote with WVAQ Get on the free boards to win great prizes
Fri. 9/14
5-8 Happy Hour in the Red Zone: 1/2 Price Apps and 2-4-1 Drinks Willey's 9-11: $2 Bottles and $3 Call Drinks No cover before 10.
$1 Natty Pitchers $2 Mixed Drinks $3 Cherry and Grape Bombs (Drink Specials 9pm-12am)
Sat. 9/15
College Gameday in HD at the Red Zone! $1 Pints and 0.50 Wings. Willey's 9-11: $2 Bottles and $3 Call Drinks No cover before 10
$2 Italian Ice Shots $2 Tequila Shots $1 Natty Pitchers (Drink Specials 9pm-12am)
sun. 9/16
Sunday Football Funday in the Red Zone! Every NFL game in HD! $5 Pitchers and Homemade BBQ Food Specials
mon. 9/17
$2 Italian Ice Shots $2 Mixed Drinks $2 Domestic Bottles (Drink Specials 9pm-12am)
$0.25 Cent Pints $2 Mixed Drinks
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theblacksheeponline.com
Confessions of a Campus House Pet kitty kat wrote this I’ve always been your typical fat cat who enjoys naps near an open window and tossing my felt mouse from paw to paw. I’m not one for snuggling or purring against the ear. I’m a lush for catnip and a good roll in kitty litter, but other than that, I’m not the friendliest pussy around. Regardless, my owner Hillary hasn’t gone one day without planting a sickening kiss on top of my head or hugging me into oblivion before bed. That’s why I almost gagged on a hair ball the day that she brought me off to college with her for her sophomore year. Between her homework and part-time job at Joe Mama's, she barely had time to keep my milk bowl full. Bitch. So I was surprised when she brought somebody new home: an ugly, furry bunny. That hideous thing had beady, red eyes, and it couldn’t aim its piss to save its life. One day I was lounging and watching a stoned Hillary force-feed that fuzzy asshole some crisp baby carrots. Within seconds, it started choking until it eventually flopped over and remained motionless. Hillary looked sad for a few minutes, but then scooped up the body, tossed it in an empty plastic bag, and brought it out to the dumpster. A few days later Hillary bought a squirrely little hamster. It lasted for a week or so until one night when Hillary came home from the bars with a half empty beer bottle. She didn’t know it, but I saw exactly what that sneaky girl did.
With an evil glint in her eye, she emptied the remains of the bottle right into the hamster’s dish and coaxed him to take a drink. After a few minutes, the pathetic thing swayed right to left and collapsed. This time there was no mourning; Hillary picked it up barehanded and tossed it in the trash. I started to grow concerned. Were these just careless accidents or something more? Was an intoxicated college student really capable of taking care of another being, when she really couldn’t take care of herself? I found myself growing restless and anxious when I was alone in the apartment with her. I flinched at any noise I heard, and flickers of light across the wall sent me flying. Just the sight of Hillary caused my fur to rise. Was she coming for me next? Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Hillary brought home a puppy. Normally I hate those damn yappy things, but I felt bad because I knew what was coming. Hillary hosted a party, and the place was wall-to-wall with people. The dog was annoying, humping random legs and licking people’s toes. Hillary shut him up in the bedroom with me and threw a plastic cup at him for a toy. Within minutes the dog had ripped it apart and swallowed every last inch of plastic. A few gags, a whimper, then nothing. I sat frozen on the bed, terrified. Later, when Hillary found
his body, she just kicked it out of the way, under her bed. After Hillary passed out I snuck under the bed to give the puppy a proper burial. The puppy was still alive, but was bleeding profusely from his mouth and anus caused by internal lacerations from the jagged pieces of Solo cup. I asked him if he had trouble breathing because of the blood coming from his mouth. He said he wasn’t actually bleeding from the mouth, but had earlier attempted to eat his anus blood, mistaking it for runny diarrhea. At this point I remembered why I hated dogs so much. However, what he said next will remain with me until the day I die. He said, “I just don’t understand why college students buy animals that they are only going to neglect. Don’t they realize that they are assholes? Total assholes?” and then closed his eyes.
page 11
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bartender of the week Bobby N. Rock Top Major: Public relations, sociology minor Relationship status: Hot mess Best Part of working at Rock Top: Being a part of something new and different to Morgantown. The staff is diverse and fun to work with. Worst night to bartend: There isn't one. I took a shot of Jameson with Bob Vance from "The Office" on a Tuesday. Advice to guys hitting on girls at a bar: Establish a relationship with the bartender in case things go south. And don't bitch about prices. Favorite drink to make: Jack and Jill, two shots of Jack Daniels, a shot of Chambord, some fresh squeezed lemon juice, Sprite, and sours. Biggest pet peeve: People who incessantly open and close tabs for a $3 drink.
the drinking game
Categories
What is your favorite thing about WVU: The feeling of being a Mountaineer and the sense of family you get on game day. If you could have one super power what would it be: To be able to toggle switch my drunkness. Football season or basketball season: Football season. Tailgating! If you were an animal, what would you be: Koala. All they do is sleep. What do you think is the best hangover cure: Taking a red fruit punch Gatorade to the face. Most embarrassing drunk story: Getting too drunk and deciding to take a nap in front of Great Wall. Worst thing about bartending: Everyone knows me but I don't know anyone.
Recipe for Disaster
Nutter Butter French Toast
Forgive us, loyal boozers, for we have sinned. We’ve been so preoccupied with partying hard that we forgot about the pleasures of just casually drinking among friends. Do your liver a favor and try this one out.
Have you ever bit into a Nutter Butter and thought, “Wow, it doesn’t get any better than this!”? Well think again, because we’re taking your favorite buttery nuts to the next level.
What You’ll Need: Beer and beer only. Number of Players: Four or more. Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a great buzz going, so even if your alcoholic self wants to go hard, this is a good way to pregame.
What You’ll Need: Bread, bananas, peanut butter, and butter. Cook Time: As long as it takes your ex to bust a nut, so like, 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’ll give you a little chub, that’s for sure!
How to Play: - Grab some beers and sit around a table. - Choose a broad category, like U.S. states, colors, Adam Sandler movies, etc. - Going around the circle, each player must say a word that falls under the chosen category. For example, if “Adam Sandler movies” is the category, possible answers would be Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. - If a player can’t think of an answer, they must drink their beer for five seconds. - If a player repeats an answer that was already said, the player must take a sip of beer along with the person originally said the answer. - Once someone messes up, switch to a new category. The Game Ends When: The beer runs out, and everyone just wants to call it a night. We’re tired from being so glamorous, give us a break, uggo.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Beat eggs in a bowl. - Spread one tablespoon of peanut butter on top of each slice of bread. - Cut up your banana and spread the pieces across your peanut-buttered bread. - Put the pieces of bread together, making a peanut butter and banana sandwich. - Melt butter into a frying pan. - Dip your sandwich into the beaten eggs. - Place the sandwich on the heated pan and cook until both sides are brown. If you’re really trying to indulge, grab your two main squeezes, Aunt Jemima and Betty Crocker, and smother syrup and chocolate all over this delicacy.
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As long as the entertainment industry ignores the internet and continues to pour money into cable television, we will continue to be bombarded by mind-numbing commercials. Take some smiling middle-class twenty-somethings with nice jobs and cool clothes, inject a few minorities, and voila, you’ve got yourself a commercial. Despite being material girls in this material world, The Black Sheep wondered what would happen if advertising execs stepped out of their money caves and into the real world. What would these commercials look like if their commercials just dropped the pretence and said what the company was really trying to convey? By: Quinn and Brendan
5-Hour Energy
Miller Lite
Hey dude! Yeah you, sitting alone on the couch! Look at us bros on the TV, drinkin’ Miller Lites and razzin’ each other like dudes do. Look at all the hot girls around us! Look at how hot that bartender is! Why are you sitting alone, drinking water and watching football like a pansy? Who does that? No one here does that! Join us, crack open a cold Miller brew and you’ll never look back. You’ll be at a tailgate or a not-decrepit sports bar with your pals! Don’t have any pals? You will if you drink Miller Lite! But if you’re thinking about drinking anything else besides a Miller Lite you can see yourself through the God dammed door. Go ahead, order whatever is on special, and watch as your new hot friends and bartenders call you out for being such a pussy. Drinking anything else is unmanly, you might as well push your penis up inside yourself and wear lipstick.
Got that been-drinking-for-3-daysstraight feeling and it’s only Friday? Second day of frothy acidic coffee shits? Too pussy to reach out to an acquaintance for Adderall? Try 5-Hour Energy. It might trick you into thinking it’s working.
You are a man, aren’t you? Men have beards, watch football and have sex on women that resemble Grecian goddesses. They don’t, above all else, drink “whatever.” You might as well be some sort of tight jean-wearin’, soccer watchin’, he-she who doesn’t know what good beer tastes like. Our beer is good, and that’s why we’ve invented bottles and cans that funnel it down your throat as fast as possible.
Listen, you’re a hard-working person who doesn’t have time to make coffee. While your co-workers sit in the dark pit that is their cubicle, drinking latte after latte and thinking about hanging themselves in the shower later, you’re chock-full of B-Vitamins and Guarana – it’s basically gasoline for humans! Drink a 5-Hour energy every morning and you won’t not be not having sex and running on treadmills before dawn! DAWN! You don’t need to nurse your hangover with “food” or “sleep,” 5-Hour Energy has everything your body needs in a 1.93 oz package! Plus, you won’t crash!*
AXE Body Spray
Taco Bell
Sitting alone in a corner? Does the scent of self-loathing seep through your pores? Feeling like you’re slowly slipping away from the world because you exist on a different plane of being?
Hello there, our very stoned friend. Sure, you could change the channel, but that remote is literally three feet away, and after that fourth bong rip we both know you’re not lifting a finger.
Well, it’s because you’re not getting enough of that sweet, sweet pussy.
Instead, we’re going to show you some images of delicious, low-rent Tex-Mex food. Yeah, look at the way we drape that velvety cheese-flavored wax blend all over finely-ground possum assholes. Right now you’re wishing you could fire that gooey goodness into a spoon and inject it straight into your cholesterolladen bloodstream. Oh, but we’re not done yet. After that we’re going full-on H.A.M., wrapping that bitch up in flour tortilla, smothering that thing in cheese, then wrapping another deep-fried corn tortilla around that diarrhea missile. Sure, you’re going to shit your pants later, but that just means you can shove some more Type-2 Diabetes down your gullet.
So listen up faggot, you need some Axe Dark Temptation Body Spray before you put that Glock to your temple and double tap your way to the big Poon Tang Palace in the sky. The problem isn’t your general disgust towards mainstream music, movies, television shows and books. It’s not your obsession with Minecraft. It isn’t your greasy, unwashed hair, or your chain wallet, or the black jean short and Queensryche t-shirt combo you sport in the middle of December. Nope, you’re not fist-deep in freshman snatch right now because you don’t smell like a dumpster behind a strip club. You need to get in the car right now and
head to your nearest department store. Park in a handicap spot, because if we’re being realistic, you’re afflicted with a mean case of Vagophilia Hustle down to men’s health products and just grab the first can you see. Spray that shit all over your body. Just…just empty that bitch out. If you think you’ve sprayed enough, you haven’t. Alright slithound, now it’s time for you to get all up on the bitches. You see, we lace our shit with chemicals that draw them sluts towards you. Pheromones or hormones or something. What Einstein, does it look like we went to college? Either way, you’ll have some whores moaning all up on you when you’re Axin’ and relaxin’.
“But I’m way too high to drive, and it’s almost 10:30p.m.,” you foolishly mumble
So get to the store and grab yourself a case. Stock your cabinets with 5-Hour Energy, people won’t think you’re a psychopath, they’ll think your smart and awesome! Are you a boring old office worker? You should drink 5-hour energy! Are you a boring old construction worker? You should drink 5-Hour Energy! Are you an inmate snowman? 5-Hour Energy! *In you won’t crash the airplane you’re not flying. An emotional crash, however, is guaranteed. Imminently.
to yourself. Hah! Don’t you know we’re open later than shit? We invented the fourth meal to eliminate the anguish degenerates like you feel when you’re mouthfucking your food hole mere minutes before you pass out from exhaustion after a long day of self-loathing and jacking off. So yeah, we’ll wait a few hours for you to hop in your 1997 Chevy Lumina and haul your “sober enough to drive” ass down to the nearest Taco Bell. And don’t forget to pick up some Baja Blast when you swing through, that shit is legit.
the interview
fitz & the tantrums
Noelle Scaggs, lead female vocalist for the indie soul band Fitz & The Tanturms, may be technically considered a “tantrum” in the band, but her powerhouse voice makes her the feistiest of them all. We had the chance to chat with the singer about performing love songs, being the only chick in a gaggle of guys, and, of course Ryan Gosling. Check out their hit album, Pickin’ up the Pieces while you wait for their newest album in 2013. By: Jess Sommers The Black Sheep: How did you get to know Michael Fitzpatrick, and how did Fitz & The Tantrums get started? Noelle Scaggs: Michael had been going through a really bad break-up and he wrote the song “Breakin’ the Chains of Love,” which was kind of his first song he had written with this Motown style. He called up John Wicks, a mutual friend of ours and our current drummer , to help develop more of these types of songs, which turned into our first EP, Songs for a Breakup, Vol. 1. So I went to the rehearsal studio and the first rehearsal we all just really jelled, mine and Michael’s voice jelled really well together. It felt like we had been performing for a long time. The beginning stages were really cool because it was a rare happening, you know, finding musicians who can really play and you have this moment of knowing this works. You’re not really sure where it’s going to go, but it really worked out. And everything with the band kept falling into place. We just kept getting offered gigs , and then came people who wanted to manage us. We had been together for six months before we go an offer for our first tour, with Hepcat and Flogging Molly, then came touring with Maroon 5. It was really special . TBS: A lot of your songs have to do with love and heartbreak. Tell me a little bit about the songwriting process. Noelle: On the new record we’ll all just get together and kind of jam out. The guys will send a track and Michael and I will build from them; I’ll create the lyrics and sometimes I’ll do the melody, or we’ll go back and forth. It’s just a melting pot of ideas that happen. I’ll write some stuff at my house and send it to Michael, he’ll vibe off of it and decide if he likes it or not, and vice versa. It’s a very collaborative effort. With Picking up the Pieces, because of the situation of Michael coming out of love, the entire story of that record was about breaking up and trying to get through that process. When I came to the table and brought that female dynamic, it became the two sides of the tale instead of just being about the male heartbreak. You get that female side as well which really dominates on stage. [Michael and I] have a really cool dynamic. TBS: So how do you like being the only girl in a group of guys? Noelle: I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’m used to being the only woman in a lot of bands. In my former band I was the only woman as well, and I was the front woman, so I’ve gotten used to it. You do have those times where you miss having a woman around. Thankfully, one of our managers is a woman and she comes on tour with us, so it gives me a nice break from being around all the guys all the time. But these guys are really amazing people, they’re really mature, it’s not like I’m touring with a bunch of teenagers who don’t really understand the business. We’re all good friends, we all respect each other, and, for that, it’s really cool. They’re very sensitive to me being the princess of the group. TBS: You personally have collaborated with a ton of different kinds of artists. Who are some of your favorites? Noelle: I really enjoyed working with will.i.am. He’s a really interesting character in the studio in that he just lets you go, he lets you flow, and the minute that he hears something good he’s like, “I want you do that.” He’s always been this really cool person to just jam out with and try to develop ideas and not really think about what’s going to happen. You just try things and have fun with it. I’ve always really enjoyed that about him in the studio, like I could just be playing around with something and he’d be like, “Go do that!” TBS: What are some things you always have around when you’re getting ready for a show? Noelle: Slippery Elm, it’s basically a root that comes in capsules that Michael and I drink in a tea, especially during cold season. I always, always, always have my watch. I don’t really like having my phone on me constantly, and that’s the reason why I bought the watch, so I know how much time we have before we go on stage. TBS: If you were stuck in an elevator for 24-hours, what one person would you ideally like to be stuck with? Noelle: From the music stand point, Thom Yorke. Also, maybe Ryan Gosling. I wouldn’t mind being locked up in an elevator with him, that’d be cool.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Band of Horses - mirage rock out september 18 Indie-rock darlings Band of Horses are back with their fourth studio album, Mirage Rock. These sleepy Seattle natives have undergone several changes in the past few years, while always keeping their signature style of pseudo-bluegrass tunes mixed in with catchy pop and rock beats. Check out their new tracks, "Dumpster World" and "Knock Knock."
liberal arts - in theaters out september 14 Cute, bearded, single, unemployed, and 35, Jesse Fisher (Josh Radnor, from How I Met Your Mother fame) gets asked to speak at his favorite college professor's retirement party. While back on campus he, naturally, falls for a cute, precocious sophomore Zibby (Elizabeth Olsen) and awkward love ensues. Cue the cute emotional cuteness!!! SNooki & jwoww - Season finale thursday, september 13 @ 10 p.m. Curious to find out how the summer of Snooki and JWOWW will end? Well if you've looked at any magazine covers or been on the internet at all, you probably know. But what you won't know are all the ridiculous and entertaining intricacies of the two guidettes that only a supremely edited show will give you. And let's all applaud for a season 2, in production now!
the photo hunt
can you find all 10 differences in this lecture hall? email us at puzzle@theblacksheeponline.com with the locations or a picture of your findings and win a prize!
the classtime
seriously cereals crossword Across
3) Circles of sugary awesomeness. 4) Gives you strength, supposedly. 7) A “diet” cereal. 9) Aye, aye! 11) This cereal is smacked with the most sugar of any. 12) Makes a fine mix with pretzels and peanuts. 13) Fruit + Boy’s Name 15) You’re not just good, you’re... 16) Like a Rabbits Foot
5) Oh, that silly wabbit. 6) The 100% cereal. 8) Better suited baked and with marshmallows. 9) The number one selling cereal in the U.S. 10) Very scary, yet chocolatey. 14) Eating in general will give you this. 17) Slang for shoes.
Down
1) Literally desserts in a bowl of milk. 2) Little shapes of all these letters.
Answers
Six degrees of separation
Think you know how Ryan Reynolds and Richard Gere are connected?
Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
1 2 3 4 5 Meet The Staff campus manager Jacob Lash Editorial manager Meagan O’Day Advertising Managers Alison Burns, Elizabeth Sokolosky
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the classtime • Cans of ___1___, to mix in my roommates ___2___ blender with ___3___ so I can get my bulk on finally. • ___4___ and ___5___ to get my freak on with the ladies. Maybe some ___6___ for when we ___7___? Also, paper towels. • Solo cups ( ___8___ ones! Chicks love neon.) and ping-pong balls. • The New Doritos, ___9___ Extreme ___10___ , ___11___ Blast. • ___12___ cases of Mountain Dew, doubles as a chaser and hangover cure.
madlib: Grocery Store List 1) gross protein
• Oh yeah, and ___13___ bagels. OH yeah, and ___14___ but that’s from Carl.
2) adjective for bad 3) Vegetable 4) Ice cream topping 5) Uncommon fruit
• Peanut Butter, to mess with our neighbor’s ___15___ . And my ex.
6) type of syrup 7) sex position 8) bright color
• Several cases of ___16___ and a 6-pack of ___17___ to impress my ___18___ dad.
9) B-List athlete 10) type of cheese 11) type of spice 12) Large number
• Dumb ___19___ Burnetts, so the hotties dance on the table. ___20___ so my bros get into brawls. ___21___ for the people I really care about (slam pieces). • ___22___, if I can find them, for those lonely nights.
13) flavor 14) slang for weed 15) odd pet 16) shitty beer 17) craft beer 18) adjective for mean 19) fruit 20) hard liquor 21) Expensive alcohol 22) childhood snack
WEDNESDAY College Night. 18 to party 21 to drink $2 Bottles THURSDAY Ladies Night FREE COVER FOR GIRL 2X1 mixed drinks FRIDAY $3 Night! Applesauce, grape bombs,long island iced tea, SATURDAY MIAMI EDM NIGHT $2 bottles $2 Shot of the night LOCATED BEHIND CASA D’AMICI !