The Black Sheep
Fr la ee.. st- . li k mi nu e th te a un t pe de nc rn il ea yo th u f yo ou ur nd de sk .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 2 • 2/14/13 - 2/20/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheepWVU
sga: please go away tiffany benson wrote this
The Student Government Association is beginning its yearly ritual: a call for the best (or most desperate) of us to assume the role of campus leader. Each student wanting to run for a position in the SGA must receive almost 1,000 signatures from WVU students, whose votes must be legitimized by giving the end of their 700 number. Retrieving that many signatures can be a daunting task... This means one thing: they will find you. (Yes, that is spoken in a creepy horror film voice.) They will follow you down the street, bug you at the bus stop, interrupt you in the middle of class and, the worst, hound you when you’re trying to eat. There are ways to avoid being bothered, from the truly dickish to merely maudlin. First, just act extremely busy. They’ll still try to bother you when you’re eating, so make it more convincing than simply staring off into space. To act busy: grab a paper (like this one) to read and hold it up directly over your face. Pick up your cell phone and act like you’re talking to someone about nuclear launch codes. Start writing frantically on your notebook or typing on your laptop, like a genius ideas about to fall out of your ear. Even ask a question to the random person next to you so it looks like you’re in a conversation about something, anything but SGA. For those of you who don’t want to put in the effort to pretend, when a petitioner comes up to you, just say “no” and walk away. If you make it into a game, even better. The more important the task is, the louder you say no when they ask. Example: Say you’re just kicking back in one of the seats in the quiet section of the Lair and they come up. It’s not that important, so use a regular voice and politely decline with a no. Say you have 20 minutes to finish a 10-page paper and e-mail it to your professor when one of them comes up; scream at the top of your lungs until everyone’s staring at them. It’s how the Republican Party convinced Rick Perry to go away. Everyone enjoys a good argument. If they’re planning on being in the SGA they should be prepared to argue. This is your chance to test the waters and respond with your own theories. This one isn’t for the easy-going or faint-of-heart. Get them in a heated discussion about a ridiculous topic and consistently disagree with everything they say, even if it means being immature or flat-out wrong. If they say their platform is to help make the campus safer, reply with “I don’t want a safe campus. I like keeping other students on edge.” If they say they’re platform is to try and improve the PRT and other
transportation, respond “I don’t need transportation, I can fly. No, I’m not going to show you.” Just keep this going for 5 or 10 minutes and they’ll get frustrated and walk away. Also, people tend to remember bad experiences more than good ones, so they’ll keep that mental note to never bother you again.
We’re sure some of the students running are serious about improving the school, but we’re sure we don’t care. We’re just as sure that most of them are in it for the popularity contest, and hey, dude, at least be honest about it. Either way, it’s annoying being followed around and harassed about signing that paper. Just remember students: live long, avoid SGA, and party on.
what'’s inside Morgantown Weather Report It’s truly a roller-coaster of emotions.
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The Daily Dilemma: To Skip or Not To Skip
Skipping classes, that is, in case you forgot what those are.
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bartender of the week Please don’t compliment Bri from Fat Daddy’s on her pretty teeth.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 4: Career Fair Translations Are you sending the right message to future employers? Or did you show up drunk?
page 5: The Top 10: Ways to Get Out of Missing an Exam It’s as easy as giving a dog a jar of peanut butter.
pages 6: from the streets What’s your go-to drink at the bar?
Table of
page 9: Losing Faith in Your Major Yeah, man. Math is like, really hard.
page 11: An Open Letter to People Who Never Wear Jackets You aren’t impressing anyone.
page 13: We Interview: Monica Theiu What, you don’t know who the 2012 Jeopardy! College Champion is? Well now you do!
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word of the week Bartition:
The four-deep line of people separating you from the bartender. “Damn this bartition! If I don’t get a gin and tonic pronto I’m going to have to sleep with that uggo sober.”
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Career Fair Translations tbs staff wrote this It’s career fair season here at WVU. For many of us, this can be a stressful time, presenting the working world’s most frustrating conundrum: You need an internship so you can get job experience, but you need job experience to get an internship. There’s often a disconnect between what actually happens at a career fair and how the recruiter responds. Sometimes they’re impressed, sometimes they’re disinterested, and sometimes they find a polite way to say, “Not in a million elevator pitches.” Here’s a guide that will help you interpret the strange happenings at your career fair and if a successful career is in your future. NO EYE CONTACT What It Actually Means: You’re terrified. Everyone’s told you how important this moment is, and you’re just about ready to shit your pants in terror. What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack confidence and you’ll never be a leader in this industry. some eye contact What It Actually Means: You’re off to a good start. Just remember to smile, and the person will probably think you’re friendly and trusthworthy. What the Recruiter Thinks: You haven’t blown it … yet. And get that dumb smile off your face. You look stupid. unbreakable stare What It Actually Means: You’re overcompensating because you’re terrified. This isn’t the bedroom; you’re not trying to make up for lack of penis length. Relax. What the Recruiter Thinks: You have a sex dungeon, and I am completely unaroused. gpa lower than 3.0 What It Actually Means: Your grades aren’t bad. It’s good that you have the confidence to talk to recruiters and battle against other students who are way out of your league.
What the Recruiter Thinks:You’re not qualified. Transfer to art school while you still have time. gpa between 3.0 and 3.5 What It Actually Means: Your grades are good. You’re average, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re not qualified. Do you event want to be here? gpa between 3.5 and 4.0 What It Actually Means: Your grades are great, and you should be proud of your accomplishments. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re not qualified … and you’re a nerd. Don’t you have any other hobbies? dressed in sweatpants and bedhead What It Actually Means: You’re sleepwalking again. Go see a doctor. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’d fit right in at Google. When can you start? dressed in suit and tie What It Actually Means: You’ve got your shit together, and you’re ready to work. What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack a unique sense of individuality, and you’ll never be a leader in this industry. dressed in Pink tux with matching cane, monocle, gloves, and tophat What It Actually Means: You’re an escaped mental patient and need to return this all to Salvation Army right away. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re an escaped mental patient or attempting to channel your inner Prince. Either way, no. missing the phone interview What It Actually Means: You were up all night celebrating
the fact that you landed a phone interview. What the Recruiter Thinks: Drat, I really thought you would be a perfect fit. CONVEYING EXCITEMENT, AMBITION AND EXPERIENCE DURING THE PHONE INTERVIEW What It Actually Means: You conveyed the ability to hold a conversation without making a sexist, racist, or otherwise inappropriate comment. What the Recruiter Thinks: You still haven’t blown it … yet. Maybe I’ll check your Facebook page to dig up some dirt. losing connection halfway through phone interview What It Actually Means: You’re screwed. Unreliable phone conection in the 21st century? What the hell is your problem? What the Recruiter Thinks: Did you just hang up? You’re going to be a leader in this industry. When can you start?
giving thoughtful and intelligent answers during in-person interview What It Actually Means: You just crushed it. There’s nothing else you can do now but sit and wait for the job offer. What the Recruiter Thinks: You don’t have experience with Java, C, C++, and PHP. Don’t expect to hear from us. taking 5 shots to realx before the in-person interview What It Actually Means: You’re an alcoholic who follows advice from your dumbest friend. You better pray it doesn’t smell or that you don’t slur your words. What the Recruiter Thinks: You were so unphased by my rigorous questioning, I would’ve given you the job if you didn’t puke on my shoes. calling the male interviewer ‘dad’ during the in-person interview What It Actually Means: You blew it. What the Recruiter Thinks: Ha! I knew you would blow it!
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The
Top 10
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ways to get out of missing an exam
When the exam make-up policy of every professor on campus is essentially “Haha, screw you,” you’ve got to get a little more creative. Here are some handy ways to get you out of trouble when you couldn’t get out of bed! 10.) Drink...some poison: Just head on down to the ol’ Poison Shoppe and pick out something nice and mild. Down it, then head to the doctor’s office to get your illness all official and documented. As a bonus, you can claim your roommate tried to kill you. Hello, single room! 9.) Forge an athletic excuse: Professors see these so much, we bet they barely even look them over. Just type out something official-sounding, like “Hello professor, so and so had to miss the exam because he was footballing with us in another state. We know academics are important, but we needed him to shoot the points so we could beat the other team’s sportsmen. From, The Coach.”
Morgantown Weather Report
8.) Exploit your minority status: “I bet you’d let me retake the test if I was WHITE, wouldn’t you?” Even if you won the skin color jackpot, there’s always something you can claim. “Is this because of my Algonquin great-great-stepmother?” or “You’re just picking on me because I’m a eunuch!” 7.) Give your dog a jar of peanut butter: Ha ha, look at him! Awwwww! Ohhhh, he’s got some on his nose! He can’t stop licking his snout! Haahahaaaawwwwww! See, you already forgot all about that exam you missed! Now granted, this is a short-term solution, but you can make it work with a long-term supply of peanut butter.
Allyson Parrish wrote this As you know, dear reader, Morgantown weather is incredibly unpredictable. It’s like a PMSing woman: one second it’s all sunny and fine and the next second you’re running for cover from its fury. Here at The Black Sheep, we thought we could be of some help and give you the weekly weather forecast. Monday: Expect it to be freezing balls outside! We’re talking like, 10 degrees and wind that feels like daggers slicing through your skin. You’ll want to wear six layers of clothes, including thermal underwear, just to be safe. As the day progresses, everyone will be surprised to see a random snowstorm ripping a new one through the city. If you wear six layers then you should be fine, and if not, well, you’re the stupid one who didn’t listen. By evening the snow will stop and everything will turn to ice. This is the time to sit by your window and laugh as people and cars go sliding. Tuesday: You wore all your warm clothes yesterday, so thank god you can expect nice, fair weather. In the morning, it will be a whopping 50 degrees. But wait! It gets better. By afternoon it will be in the high 70s, so go ahead and drag out those flip flops and shorts that are hiding in the back of your closet. This is the day that Mother Nature likes to torture us with; making us believe that summer is near, just to rip our hearts out again. That evil bitch. As evening nears, you can expect to hear thunder in the distance. By nightfall expect a crazy thunderstorm and a tornado warning that’ll sequester you in your laundry room for two boring hours, even though you should be running to Kroger like everyone else to stock up on a month’s worth of food. Wednesday: As you can guess, last night’s rain has turned to ice again and it’s 20 degrees. Today
is the best day of the week because you get to watch all those girls slip and fall on the ice in their cute little heels because they assumed it was going to be warm again today. You also get to laugh at the guys who decided that shorts were a good idea, but soon realized they’re going to soon be peeling their nutsacks from the ice below them. By the afternoon Morgantown will accumulate seven inches of snow, but no worries! Class won’t be canceled and you will get to wreck your car that you just got fixed after Monday’s crash. Thursday: Expect more snow! We’ll be getting four inches, which is more than your roommate Dianne can say, she hasn’t been laid in months. Like her parade, expect freezing rain later in the afternoon. For those of you with class after 4 p.m., your class still won’t be canceled and it’ll take you an extra hour or two to make it to class. Don’t be late! By 9p.m., however, Old Man Winter’s fury will have subsided. Friday: Prepare to wake up to wet, wet, wet weather. Did we mention it will be very wet? Yes, every bit of that snow will have melted and now there’s a flood warning. Don’t wear those nice new shoes you bought the other day, they’ll be ruined by the mud. And don’t forget to carry that umbrella with you, soon it’ll be raining cats and dogs- the umbrella is to protect you from getting a concussion, or clawmarks across the grill. Saturday and Sunday: Ah, proof that there is a god! Both Saturday and Sunday will be sunny and warm; highs will be in the mid-50s! This weekend will be perfect to get out and work off all that fat you’ve accumulated while sitting inside this past week; hey a walk to the bar counts as fitness, right?
6.) Make a sacrifice: Any of your relatives will do. Once they go limp and stop beating frantically at your chest, snap a couple pictures for proof. Come to think of it, it’d probably work just as well if you just made up a phony funeral announcement. Oh well, no use crying over killed ilk. 5.) Get your professor’s priorities straight: Head to any military surplus store, buy a deactivated grenade, and lob it into your professor’s office. Once they’re done freaking out, walk in and say “Gee, when you think you’re about to die, me missing a test doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, huh?” 4.) We’re not gonna take it!: Making a big scene is a surefire way to get yourself out of nearly any situation. Go to your professor’s office and start yelling about your rights, even if you don’t know what they are. Set some shit on fire and yell into a megaphone. Complain about all the whales that were killed to make the paper for the exams. 3.) Bribe your professor: That’s it. We don’t have any jokes for this one, ‘cause this is actually a serious idea. Hey, come on, you can have a real idea or you can have another stupid joke, but not both. All right, fine. Give them money and then, we dunno, fart on their face or something. Whatever. 2.) Be honest: We don’t mean tell the truth, that’s stupid! Think of something so embarrassing, they’d never suspect somebody would be desperate enough to lie about it. “To be honest, I had another tongue-wart flare up and couldn’t breathe. My tongue locked together with my throat warts like they were Legos.” 1.) Drop that shit like a hot potato: The reality of the situation is, you’re screwed. Lighten your class load and move on. If the missing credit ends up being a problem when you’re applying to graduate, just bring your dog and some of your peanut butter to the graduation ceremony, and steal a diploma while the whole arena is distracted by the adorable scene.
tbs staff wrote this
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's Your Go-To Drink at the Bar? “Cranberry and vodka, it’s quick and easy.” - Taylor S.
“Red Bull and vodka. It tastes delicious, it’s classy, and it keeps you ready for the night.” - Taylor J.
“Jack and Coke because it gets you the most fucked up, and keeps you that way.” - John A.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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The Daily Dilemma: To Skip or Not to Skip tbs staff wrote this To West Virginians, February heralds the brunt end of winter. You know... the twenty feet of snow, subarctic temperatures, and other harrowing conditions pushing against your threshold for survival. But who are we kidding? We’re West Virginians. Inhospitable tundra? No biggie. We’ll live, barely, but we’ll live. Let’s also not forget that February marks the passing of Syllabus Week and the torrential deluge of academia-related stress. We college students have even more trials and tribulations to face as we plunge deeper into spring semester. Stress stems from the inability to cope. The inability to cope stems from the shell-shocking realization that you signed up for more than you can handle. To make room for these things, you often have to make GPA-changing decisions which go against the moral compass you naively established as a New Year’s resolution. So what do you do? Play it Skyrim style: make room in your inventory and get rid of some junk for more valuable ones. Translated: skip class and get that paper done! While you’re at it, let the lean, mean Skipping Check-List machine ease your conscience. (DISCLAIMER: Please read responsibly) 1.) Identify the situation: Like any good CPR exercise, you have to analyze your surroundings, identify the situation, and weigh the pros and cons. Unlike any good CPR exercise, you have at least 30 minutes before your class starts. Ask yourself the following: what do I need to get done? How much time will it take me? What does my schedule look like today? If you have a 20-page lab report due 1:00 p.m., see what your morning schedule looks like and immediately single out classes/lectures you can afford to miss. 2.) Check your singled-out-classes’ attendance policy: Some
courses have lenient rules in regards to attendance. Some courses don’t even take attendance. It’s important to know what you’re risking, or if there’s any risk at all. So you have an 8:00 a.m. lecture of 100 kids and the professor doesn’t take attendance. Great, sounds ideal. Skip that one. However, whatever works in theory doesn’t always play out in reality. What if the professor conducts sporadic pop quizzes or in-class short answer questions as their attendance policy? Double check how big of an impact it is to your overall course grade. If missing one pop quiz accounts for 2% of your final grade compared to the lab you procrastinated, which accounts for 20%... well, you get it. 3.) Call for back-up: You’re not off the thin ice in the dark woods yet. A flexible attendance policy can’t fully justify the situation, and just because you’re cutting your losses doesn’t mean there’s nothing salvageable. Check to see if you can email/text/call anyone from your list of singled-out-classes. Ask for notes or a heads-up for potential assignments. Depending on the depth of your friendship, maybe you can even ask them to do some dirty work for you (writing down your name on the attendance sheet, forging your handwriting to answer a short-answer for you, just to name a couple). However, keep your priority in mind and don’t ask for too much. A simple need-to-know prognosis will suffice. NOTE: It is crucial to emphasize how infrequent your dependence on back-up will be. Nobody likes being used, especially by an irresponsible student who isn’t putting in as much effort as they are in class. Just confess to your friend your reasons for playing hooky and your willingness to be their back-up if the need arises. A friend in need is a friend indeed.
4.) Get your shit done!: You found a way around the attendance policy, you have back-up; what more do you need? It’s time to hyperfocus on the task and ignore all else in the world. If you usually take 20-minute showers, cut it by half. Being timely so you can finish in a timely manner is essential. Skipping your class is like sacrificing a pawn in chess -- it’s not detrimental but it’s a sacrifice that should not go to waste. Put a check on your procrastination and get your shit done.
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Happy Hour! 5-8: Food Buffet and 2-4-1 Drinks 8-11: $2 Bottles and $3 Drinks
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Losing Faith in Your Major
TBS staff wrote this
It was bound to happen. Sure, when you first came here to WVU you were full of hope, excitement and passion. The world was new, the possibilities were endless, and life was beautiful. As freshmen we all thought that college was where we were supposed to change our lives, explore new horizons and finally find ourselves in our passions. Or at least wasn’t that what our guidance counselors and endless WVU promo pamphlets promised us? Oh, to be that young again!
Or maybe instead you majored in art, in which case we’re guessing you were planning on trying to score some of that sweet federal grant money to finance your chronic slackerdom. With the national debt spiraling out of control you can naturally expect that to go out the window. But your parents always did gush all over your finger painting when you were seven… maybe they’ll buy your art? The fridge at home has been pretty bare since you’ve left for college.
But of course, now we know better.
Perhaps you, like many of us, weren’t into that pansy-hippie shit. Instead, maybe you actually wanted change the world in a real, substantive way. Good job, comrade - us too! Political science, however, ended up posing the quintessential catch-22. To enter modern politics in 2013, you have to earn a degree. Fine. But to get the degree, you have to go to college -- and between the wasted Facebook photos and the handful of public intoxication arrests you’ve ended up making yourself totally unelectable to Middle America. Remember when Clinton got into trouble for smoking weed? Sure enough, your West Wing career was over before it even began. If they only knew what the kids are doing nowadays…
After years of all-nighters, crushing student-loan debt and crippling alcoholism, we should’ve all realized by now that we’ve been fooled. We’re no smarter, no wiser and certainly no more self-actualized then we were when we left high school as dipshit teenagers. Besides memorizing the daily drink specials at Bent Willey’s, what have you really learned while wasting away here in Morgantown? We’re about to enter the real-world, kids, and what do you have to show for it? Unless you had the foresight to take engineering classes, you’re probably just now realizing that your major… is almost completely and utterly worthless. The truth can hurt sometimes, and The Black Sheep knows this better than anyone. But before we shelve our textbooks and get in line for unemployment, let’s revisit our longdead hopes and aspirations, shall we? Remember when you were a high school stoner and you had all those, like, totally deep conversations with your friends? Oh simpler times! But as $7,000 a semester has taught you… you’re just not that deep when forced to be serious. Turns out debating objective reality and the Hegelian dialectic honestly isn’t that fun while sober. And even if you were smart enough to be a serious philosophy student, what does it matter? Maybe if you weren’t high when you declared your major we wouldn’t have this real-life intellectual quandary.
Of course, liberal arts majors aren’t the only ones left screwed-over on graduation day. There’s library sciences, which would be fine if the internet never happened. And then you have your anthropologists, which we always assumed were kids who just burned through the Indiana Jones franchise too many times. But then maybe we’re being too harsh, won’t it be the anthropologists who dig up our bones long after the rest of us die away from starvation and chronic unemployment with our worthless majors? If we were all a bit smarter, we would’ve changed our majors long ago. Journalism majors would’ve realized that there’s no money in print and that real-world careers are in marketing and advertising
now. Mathematics majors, unless eager to start a soul-crushing teaching career in local public school, would’ve begun taking finance courses. Psychologists become social workers and parole officers; historians just become homeless. But of course we’re not that smart. We were, after all, duped into getting these worthless degrees in the first place -- unless your smart-ass went into medicine or law like your parents told you to do. So let’s have a toast to our failed dreams and empty futures! And god bless us for harboring such naive ambitions, if it wasn’t for us half of these professors would be in the same unemployment line with the rest of us soon-to-be graduates! But let us not lament too long. The Social Security office closes at five.
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page 10
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An Open Letter to People Who Never Wear Jackets tbs staff wrote this Dear Morons, Look, we know you’re cold. You’re not fooling anyone, even yourself. We are in the dog days of winter, and still some of you are committed to standing in line in sub-zero wind chills at Rock Top without any sort of winter clothing. It doesn’t make you look sexy or cool. Frankly, you look like a shriveled, goosebumped, pathetic wiener with a leather skirt on. The only thing your outfit choice is showing to the rest of the world is whom natural selection would take out first. To keep another one of our readers from developing hypothermia (or leprosy, in extreme cases), The Black Sheep has decided to stage an intervention in the form of this open letter to convince you kids to bundle up. Let us address this issue down the gender lines. Ladies, we can kind of forgive you for your choice in attire on a blistering cold night. We understand the desire to be desirable is ingrained into your heads by society, but you don’t always need to wear a dress that just barely covers your ass to get noticed. The only reason people notice you is because you’re wearing a dress in the dead of winter that screams, “I don’t have a personality, but look at these tits!” And although that is a great thing to scream, it’s not necessary. Plenty of girls wear fashionable, sexy outfits that keep them relatively warm during the winter months. These girls are called upperclassmen and typically carry themselves with an “I’ve got my shit together” attitude. You’ll understand when you’re older, kid. If you’re still insistent on keeping some skankiness in that
outfit you’re wearing, then might we suggest assless chaps? This way your legs can stay warm, but the only parts of you that frat boys are really interested in are still within uncomfortably easy access. Men, you’re more of a disappointment in this category. Seriously guys, no one cares that people won’t get to see your “sweet flannel” if you toss on a winter coat before leaving your apartment. It’s not like guys sit around at Kam’s and say, “Yo, David. I was really a big fan of that red polo you wore last night. Where did you get it? I might online-order myself one this weekend.” Girls don’t even care what you’re wearing. As long as it’s free of semen stains and poop smudges, you look like you made an attempt to dress up. There’s literally nothing to be gained by nixing the jacket on cold bar crawl nights. No guy has ever gotten pussy simply because he was wearing Express for men. Other guys who actually have the sense to not catch pneumonia and wear a jacket will want to punch you in the back of the head, run into a snow bank, and dare you to chase them to prove your ultimate manliness. Now you may be asking us, “Well, TBS, what ever am I to do with my jacket, then?” You see those long dangly things with palms and fingers at the end? They’re called fucking hands, use them. You can take off your jacket inside and fucking hold it in your hands. Yes, this keeps you from blacking out off of Vegas bombs in ten minutes like you planned, but you’re gonna just have to slam those bad boys one hand at a time and ease your way into date rape mode.
We just want to remind you that you’re still in college. You’re not even going to legit nightclubs yet. You’re going to dollar u-call-it night at a college bar to stand in someone else’s piss and beer to talk about nothing to other emotionally insecure people. There’s no reason to take this so seriously. We’ve seen people walk into bars wearing a hoodie and boots and walk out with a slampiece on their arm. We know because it was one of us. All it takes is a little personality, a few lies, and a fuck ton of alcohol and you’re on the express train to pound town. We know you don’t want us to be your mother but for God’s sake, put a jacket on before you go out there, moron!
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bartender of the week bri fat daddy's What’s the cheesiest pickup line you’ve ever got bartending: What sorority or year of school I am in. Or what my major is.
If someone asks you to make his or her drink strong, what do you do: It makes me want to make their drink weaker.
What is your favorite drink to make: Cinnamon Toast Crunch shot
What’s the creepiest thing a guy or girl has ever said to you: I hate when people say, “You have really pretty teeth;” it makes me feel like they want to make a necklace out of them.
Do you like serving guys or girls better: Girls. Girls are a lot better tippers when you give them enough attention. What is your top three favorite things about Fat Daddy’s: I love working the football games, I like having the best staff downtown. I love the atmosphere. Has a guy ever picked you up from the bar: No, not in a long time. If someone stiffs you on a tip, and comes up to order another drink from you, do you treat them differently: Yeah, if it happens more than once, I normally call them out on it. When a guy asks for a free shot, what do you reply: I normally laugh at them and tell them no.
the drinking game:
What is the most messed up thing you have ever witnessed at Fat Daddy’s: I have had guy on guy body shots, and they had take the lime out of each other’s mouth. If Hollywood made a movie about your life, who would you like to see play the lead role as you: Rachel McAdams If you were a drink what kind of drink would you be: A straight-up shot of Jameson How would you describe yourself in three words: Sarcastic, stand-offish, funny What cereal best describes you as a person: Cookie Crisp.
recipe for disaster:
task master
hot dog and egg sandwiches
Truth or Dare was a highlight of middle school sleepovers. However, the one thing that was missing at the time was copious amounts of alcohol (unless you went to cool kid parties). Task Master takes Truth or Dare and makes it better by adding alcohol and removing the Truth part, because that was always for pussies.
Many times the secret to creativity lies in using what is available to you. Many of us would love to cook complex dinners using a variety of spices and meats, but that is often too expensive, and we are often too drunk or tired or stoned or lazy or all of those. Here is a simple recipe using only food that are mainstays in the college student kitchen
What You’ll Need: Alcohol! Number of Players: As many brave souls as you can acquire. Level of Intoxication: That all depends on how wiling you are to humiliate yourself. How To Play: - Designate a person in the group to be the first Task Master. This can be done by choice, rock, paper, scissors, odds-evens, whatever. - The Task Master then assigns a task (dare) to another player in the group. - If the person fails their task, the must drink half of their drink. If the person refuses to do a task, they must finish their drink. - When a person completes a task, everyone takes a social drink, and the person who completed the task becomes the new Task Master. The Game Ends When: Everyone is too ashamed of themselves to make eye contact.
What You’ll Need: Hotdogs, eggs, cheese, bread. Cook Time: 5-10 minutes. Fatty Factor: Deliciously incapacitating. Let’s Get Baked: - Start off by throwing some bread in the toaster. If you don’t have a toaster, a microwave might work. Don’t quote us on that, we’re not Gordon Ramsay. - Cut up a few hotdogs into thin slices and throw them on a frying pan. - Beat some eggs and throw those on the same frying pan. If you haven’t noticed yet, this recipe involves a lot of throwing. - Scramble the eggs along with the hotdog slices until the eggs are cooked. - Remove the toast from the microwave, put the eggs and hotdogs on the toast, and throw some cheese on it. If your arm is still feeling good, try throwing some hot sauce on it too.
It only takes one person to change this game from a light-hearted prank fest to a full on molest-a-thon, so choose your participants carefully.
If there’s one thing better than scrambled eggs, it’s scrambled eggs with hot dogs in it. And if there’s one thing that’s better than scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it, it’s scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it with cheese on top. And if there’s one thing better than that, it’s sex. But…but why are we so alone?
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seth macfarlane's oscar monolouge Good evening, and welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards! You know, when they asked me to host this year I said, “Sure, it should be easier than that time I hosted SNL and the ghost of Florence Nightingale put a frozen banana in my butt!” Anyway, I’m sure you’re all more excited to get this over with than John Madden’s colon after he mistook three pounds of pepper jack cheese for a rotisserie chicken! Now, if you haven’t seen the lovely Anne Hathaway -- where are you Anne? Beautiful, didn’t she and James do a great job last year? It was a meeting of ugly and stoned meets elegance and beauty, like when George R.R. Martin wanders onto a multiple-blowjob scene in Game of Thrones. Let’s start with a look at the Actor in a Leading Role candidates - we’ve got a manic depressive, a bipolar, two drunks, and a former inmate. Boy, sounds like a Monday night at Robert Downey Jr.’s house. It’s been a tight race for Actor in a Leading Role. Bradley Cooper, of course, did a wonderful job capturing a tortured bipolar man. But boy, audiences haven’t been faced with that much spousal abuse since Rihanna told Chris Brown he missed a button. Speaking of Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress up for an award. Even now, though, the talk about Jennifer isn’t as much about how she’s a great actress, it’s about how comfortable she is in her own skin. No offense, Jennifer, but most people would be pretty comfortable in a 22-year-old woman. Only Roman Polanski would say that it’s too loose of a fit. Probably the biggest discussion of a film’s ability to make its audience think surrounded Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, and the message it sends about torture. Namely, that being waterboarded is more pleasant than sitting through all of Beasts of the Southern Wild.
In “massive buyout of a failing organization news”, this year George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. The news only got better when Walt Disney himself awoke from his cryogenic state to design the Jewish version of Jar Jar Binks himself. [Evil voice] “Yes, his name is Jewba the Hutt and he wants to melt C-3PO and ruin America’s economy.” This year a lot of people thought Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master would receive a nomination for Best Picture. Those people were wrong, and his Scientology allegory didn’t get the nod. If you ask me, no story about a dead, invisible entity loved by many has been snubbed that hard since Manti T’eo’s spec script for My Real-LifeI-Swear-To-God-She Exists Girlfriend: A Love Story was passed over by Harvey Weinstein. Speaking of closeted homosexuals who preach love for invisible weirdos, Tom Cruise couldn’t make it this evening. When Katie Holmes’ lawyer told him he would have to take care of Suri tonight, he was more disappointed than when his agent let him know he’d be starring in Jack Reacher, not Jack Reach-Around. There was another snub this year too, a little movie named Ted that wasn’t put up for any awards. If you ask me, it was the best film of the year, and not just because I made millions of dollars from it. It’s also because I’ve made millions and millions of dollars for it. I haven’t seen a joke that self-referential since the last twenty years of Al Pacino’s career. And how about Life of Pi? Life of Pi is up for Best Picture this year. Good thing Bruce Vilanch hasn’t seen it, around him a Pi’s life is what? 20 minutes, tops?
Everyone knows what a treat Daniel Day-Lewis is, especially when he’s working on another personality. Audiences everywhere felt like they were looking at Abraham himself, but one thing he failed to capture with Lincoln, was honest Abe’s well-known habit of parading around the White House dressed as a John Wilkes Booth’s wife and offering “moral oral” to everyone in sight - that was Booth’s motivation. He wasn’t against Lincoln’s policy, he just thought he was a jerk! Of course the indomitable Denzel Washington, great to have him here tonight. Denzel is the predominant race educator of our times. In 1992 as Malcolm X he taught us that success by any means necessary is still success, and in 2001 he taught us that King Kong was actually a large black man, not an ape. Well, he’s at it again this year with Flight, showing us that even when a black guy saves a hundred lives, it’s only after he shows up late and unprepared for work. And hey, what do you know? That brings us to our first award of the night. Here to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay is James Franco in a dress. I haven’t seen someone this comfortable in the opposite sex’s clothes since...James Franco hosted the Oscars last year.
we interview:
monica theiu, 2012 jeopardy! college champion
THIS! IS! AN INTERVIEW WITH THE 2012 JEOPARDY! COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNER, MONICA THIEU! Now a student at Stanford University, last year she steamrolled her competition to win a cool $100,000. She’ll be participating in the Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions, airing February 15th. Sure, she may know Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” is in D flat major, but does she know how to love? By: Brendan TBS: Why did you want to be on Jeopardy! so badly? Monica: I did quiz bowl stuff in high school, I’ve always known random crap, but I didn’t really know it was useful until high school. Then I was like, “You can win stuff for knowing shit? That’s great!” With Jeopardy!, I like being on TV, and I thought it would be something fun to do. TBS: What did you do to study between learning to be on the show and arriving on set? Monica: There’s a website online that archives old games with transcripts with old questions and answers. I went back and mined it for questions and answers, comparing the questions they ask with things I know and things I don’t. Hopefully, I would only be studying the things I really needed to study. TBS: Before you’re on the show do you meet your competitors? Monica: We didn’t get to meet the people on the show until we spent time in the green room. There’s actually a lot of time that we’re there that we’re not taping, and the two days we spent together brought us pretty close. Being on something like Jeopardy! brings people together. It’s not that I didn’t want to win, but if I have to beat you, I’m really sorry. TBS: Everything is taped in a two-day span? Monica: Yes. They tape five shows a day over the course of two days. TBS: In your downtime did you go do anything else non-Jeopardy! related? Monica: On the first day the people who taped before us had the opportunity to go eat in the Sony Pictures employee cafeteria. Since I taped on the fifth show out of five we had to stay in the green room, because talking with people outside of it might affect the way we play, and they can’t have that. On the second day I watched the two games being played. During lunch we had to stay in the employee cafeteria, I think they were afraid we’d go and blab the results out. TBS: There’s a pretty big stretch of time between the show taping and the show airing. How did you keep your win a secret? Monica: I told a couple of people, and it leaked out. The intent is, you’re supposed to keep mum about the results until it happens. TBS: What’s different between watching it on TV and playing in the studio? Monica: When you’re watching the show, you don’t realize how much it’s a buzzer-based game, as opposed to an answers-based game. Sure, there may be some answers a contestant might not know, but so much of it was I knew the answer, but I was too slow on the buzzer. So often people would say, “How come you didn’t get that?” and I knew the answer, but another contestant beat me to getting there. TBS: What percentage of questions did you know? What percentage did you answer? Monica: I’d be confident answering 80% to 85%, and another 5% I could make a good guess. There were a few categories where I didn’t know anything. TBS: What percentage of the questions did you get in on? Monica: Not that many. Maybe half of the questions I knew? That’s a very generous estimate; I was not very good on the buzzer. TBS: In turn, did you ever try to get in not knowing what the answer was? Monica: Sometimes you’d see the question and you think you can figure out in the five seconds they give you the answer, then you realize you can’t. TBS: When they go to a judge for a clarification, is that TV magic? Or is it really like a 2-second call on their part? Monica: Totally [TV magic]. None of my games had a pause when judges were reconsidering answers, but they’ll reevaluate a question during a commercial break. One of the times I was watching, it was a half hour break as the judges debate. TBS: What question were you proudest of answering? Monica: I’m not sure there’s a question I’m proudest of answering. I got all of the Final Jeopardy! questions correct, so I guess I’m proud of that. A couple of those were well-placed guesses. A lot of Jeopardy is a game of educated guessing. If you’re good enough to connect the dots, you can figure it out. TBS: What is Alex Trebek like? Monica: He’s a character, though we didn’t have as much time to spend with him as I thought we were going to. Basically, he’ll come out for the game, and then leave immediately to change for the next game and whatnot. We had promo photos with him, though. He’s a nice guy, but he’ll sass the audience sometimes during the commercial breaks. TBS: The constant interviews seem miserable. They are, right? Monica: Dude, they’re the worst! I wish we didn’t have to do them. I hate watching other peoples’ contestant interviews, I hated my own contestant interviews. It’s the most awkward part of the show, can we just not do this? Sometimes Alex will make a quip or innuendo and you’ll be like, “All right Alex, you go do that.” TBS: So how has winning this changed things for you? Monica: I’ve only had a few people recognize me in public, like at McDonald’s. Otherwise, it’s just funny when I have to explain to people that I was on Jeopardy! , they’ll be star struck for like, one minute. For the most part my life hasn’t been super different. TBS: $100,000 isn’t too bad, though. Monica: Oh, no no no. But taxes.
Credit: Jeopardy! Productions
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
safe Haven IN Theaters february 14th
If you are one of those girls, you can drag your stoner boyfriend to see Safe Haven, a Nicholas Sparks drama about a small town boy and girl who fall in love with each other (we actually didn't read the description, but this has got to be what it's about). Have your man treat you to a fancy entree at P.F. Chang's afterwards and, boom, you'll forget all about that boyfriend who left you on Valentine's Day.
die hard In theaters february 14th
Or, if you're the douchebag dumper, grab an emotional doormat off the street to see Die Hard, the fifth installment of the Bruce Willis action film about fighting and stuff. Afterward, treat her to a salad from Applebee's and some flowers from your local grocery store, and get excited for 20-minutes of average sex at your place. It's all about love.
ridiculousness Thursday, February 14th at 10pm on MTV
Or, if you are one of those couples, you can cozy up on the couch to catch the third season premiere of the viral video clip show Ridiculousness. Grab a few bottles of wine, order some pizza, and laugh and laugh and laugh at guys getting hit in the junk and getting humped by dolphins. Maybe a b.j. on the couch will happen during commercials, because you two can be so crazy sometimes!
the crossword: wild animals Across 3) You and this animal sleep up to 14 hours a day, makes sense that we’re pseudo related. 7) This king can grow to 5.5 meters. 8) They only ever have perfect, identical quadruplets. 9) Just like your stoner roommate, this eats all types of food. 10) Keeps you on pins and needles. 11) A seven deadly sin, and you on Sunday. 12) All of these bears are left-handed. 13) A herd of these are called a “blessing,” and they truly are one.
15) U. Wisconsin mascot. 18) Drunk sailors once thought these were mermaids. 19) No, man, you’re not tripping; these animals have rectangular pupils. 20) These guys walk on their knuckles to protect their long claws. Down 1) Is it black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?! 2) Rudolph’s favorite fruit. 4) Girls will be a sexy this on Halloween. 5) Hay, why the long face? 6) Their skin is protected by pink sweat, which isn’t a line of Victoria’s Secret clothes. 11) A tomato-juice bath usually doesn’t even get rid of this animal’s smell. 14) 40+ hot woman. 16) Cartman’s vigilante character, the real name. 17) A big ole’ saltwater cow.
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Wedding Ceremony: - On the Brooklyn Bridge - Top of the Burj Khalifia - Inside the Spaceship Earth at Epcot - Base of the Eiffel Tower
Best Wedding Gift: - Jet Ski - Jet Pack - A Jet - Jethro Tull
Best Man: - Bill Clinton - BIll Nye - Bill Murray - Billy Bob Thornton
Celebrity Performer: - Justin Bieber - Jay-Z - Justin Timberlake - Ja Rule
Honeymoon Adventure: - Hot air ballooning around the world - Graffiting the Great Barrier Reef - Saving kittens in Romania - Skydiving from space
Maid of Honor: - Jessica Simpson - Jessica Rabbit - Jessica Lange - Jessica Biel
Wedding Chef: - Giada De Laurentiis - Paula Deen - Martha Stewart - Bobby Flay
embarrassing demise: - Suffocation at sushi-eating contest - Brain damage from Slip ‘N Slide - Stroke from doing the “Single Ladies” dance - Carpal tunnel from too much Twitter
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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