The Black Sheep
Fr ee at ... l fa ike nc th yr e es silv ta er ur w an ar ts e .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 3 • 2/21/13 - 2/27/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheepWVU
high street hobos of lorE tiffany benson wrote this
Once upon a time a WVU student had some work to do. Keith, your average WVU enrollee, had to hit class, go downtown to the bank, buy fish food, and meet a friend for lunch. Ah, the carefree life of the college student. Keith was having a good day, the clouds had rolled back, and the brisk late-winter air kissed his hugover face as he marched on time to his morning class. He meandered down the road, just strolling along when -- BAM! Out of nowhere a creature started screaming at him. It was like none the student had ever seen before. It smelled like garbage, was covered in discolored pieces of clothes and had hair longer than Bigfoot’s. Keith immediately recognized this unruly beast for what it was: A High Street Hobo. Keith had heard of their ilk before, from tales of seniors long-graduated, but he had never encountered such an unruly beast in his own life. The High Street Hobo stared at the student, quiet at first. Keith could tell it was pondering its options. Then, suddenly it started screaming, “Give me money, buddo!” The student ignored him, but the hobo followed. Dedicated to not giving this vagrant a hand-out, the student ignored the man’s prattle, and went to Huntington to get his check cashed. He strolled to Animal House, bought his fish food, and finally started his adventure to Tailpipes to meet his friend for a burger or two. During all of this the High Street Hobo followed. By the time Keith finished his errands the hobo had screamed at him, kicked a pop bottle at him and got a couple of his hobo friends to follow a long. Keith was getting nervous as more and more hobos appeared. The next hobo that bothered him was a lady who reminded him of the old wretch in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the one who beat her cat against the wall. She was partially hunched over and had a slight limp. She was circling in front of the First Baptist Church when she started talking, lightly asking if he had any money. The student didn’t reply. Like Hyde, the transformation took place right before Keith’s eyes. The woman’s eyes went from vacant and distant to fire engine red. Her teeth gnashed and spittle flew from her mouth as she began harassing Keith, saying his backpack was stupid and he looked like an idiot. He soldiered on, determined to not mingle with the native species, even as she tried to spit on him. Turning around, Keith lashed out, “What? Why don’t you get a goddamn job, lady?” Now he’d done it. The tattered clothing didn’t betray her blinding speed. Soon enough she was in full sprint, and Keith was running for his life. Keith slammed the door of Tailpipes behind him. The hoboess was forced to wait outside, as she lacked funds to patronize the shop.
Success! Still, Keith was fed up. How could these great creatures from lore be so goddamn annoying? After ducking into the restaurant to greet his friend, Keith saw more and more hobos circling the building, intent on ruining Keith’s day. Disgusted, he left Tailpipes to find three hobos outside waiting. The student looked up and down the street and saw maybe a dozen more hidden in the alleyways, on the corners and across the church steps. As it dawned on him, how extreme the Hobos of High Street are, he finally cracked. Aggressively he bellowed, “I’m not giving you any money!” These magical words caused the world to change.
A moan deep in the Earth’s core was followed by the ground shaking. The High Street Hobos began looking at one another as terror swept over their faces. One by one they disappeared into poofs of dust as Keith looked on, unsure of what was happening. He felt a hand on his shoulder. As he turned he saw a hobo’s face mere inches from his own. “What…what have you done?” it whispered, before blowing away like ash in the breeze. Keith was unsure of what he had done. At this point he was sure it was a dream, but as he fell to his knees a dog walked up to him, saying “This is no dream, Keith. This is real.” Keith woke up screaming.
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