The Black Sheep
FR E tim E... e t like o or drin de ks r t fr he om go alumn od st uff i... !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 4 9/27/12 - 10/3/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheepWVU
Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get Down to High Street? the black sheep staff wrote this
During the day going to the Golden Finch or The Blue Moose Café with your friends is a peaceful and relaxing experience. Between classes you can walk through the shops and hang out on the sidewalks of High Street with your coffee. Upon nightfall, though, you begin seeing normal humans retreating from the premises at rapid speeds and in quick succession. “What’s happening?” you may ask, and you would be correct in any assumption that involved an apocalyptic scenario. It’s nighttime on High Street: shit is about to get real. Read on for help navigating the destruction that unfolding around you in the night. At all times of the night there will be a drunk bro fight happening on some corner of the sidewalk. “Really, brah? Really? Screw you, brah!” permeates the atmosphere as you run in the opposite direction before the sudden drop in IQ becomes contageous...er, contagious. It’s begun already! It’s a fact of life; any mildly attractive Morgantown lady doesn’t need pants or comfortable shoes in thirty degree weather. Don’t be alarmed when a few High Street girls strut their stuff over the salted sidewalk in November. They were born impervious to extreme weather, happy to sport stilts and pencil skirts while displaying a skin color that does not naturally occur in nature. Spotting a group of underagers is another simple High Street task. Whether they’re lined up to try their hand on getting into The Cellar or Shooters, or casually loitering outside a convenient store waiting for a homeless guy to present them with their “beverages,” they’re not hard to spot. Most of the time they’re trying to inconspicuously blend in with the crowd waiting to get in Joe Mama’s or Bent Willey’s. We’ve all been in their shoes at one time or another so it’s hard to hate on them, but that shouldn’t stop anyone from walking up to a frosh, muttering the words, “Excuse me boys, I’m an undercover officer, can I see some I.D.s?” Then there’s the Mother Hen of the group. Every time a group of ladies head downtown there’s always the mom of the group, making sure the other girls don’t have TOO much fun. The Mother Hen’s job is to make sure that absolutely no one gets laid. She shoves her friends in the back of taxis as soon as they make eye contact with a cute dude and eye-daggers any friend that dares a casual flirt or two. She’s convinced it’s a girls’ night out, and it’s
top ten ways to be "that person" loud and obnoxious is a running theme.
page 5
her job to keep it that way. Last but not least, there’s the typical WAY too drunk guy. Whether he’s staggering out of his favorite bar or being thrown out on his ass, it’s usually not very hard to come across one. Oftentimes, they’ll scream across High Street in celebration of seeing their favorite athlete’s jersey. Once they scare that stranger off, they’ll look for an attractive female specimen to slur sexual assault speak towards. Failing that, he’ll bum a smoke from a stranger
what’s inside from the streets
what's your favorite part about gameday in morgantown?
page 6
and sit catatonic on a stoop. If you encounter one faceto-face, just agree with him, pat his back, and keep him moving before he decides he has to projectile vomit all on your fresh new kicks. These, among other outlandish sights, are just a few things you may come in contact with while you’re on High Street for a night on the town. We’ve all come to know and love these displays of vulgarity and idiocy that have made WVU the proud party school that it is.
Overly Specific October Horoscopes Well, about as specific as every other horoscope.
page 07
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4
page 4: The New iCrack is Here. All ye Apple clones, heed the coming of the iWorld.
page 5: Are You Harry Potter or are You Just Drunk?
Table of
Why can’t it be both?
page 11: bartender of the week. ally b. of club slevin hates when you beg her for free drinks.
page 13: we interview the one man band, junk culture
page 14: the riddle.
page 5
can you figure it out?
ARE YOU AWESOME DJs! READY FRIDAY: DJ 0 FOR THIS? SAT.: DJ LOKI GREAT SPECIALS FRIDAY & SATURDAY
BOOK YOUR PRIVATE PARTIES NOW! 304-685-9163 345 HIGH ST. | MORGANTOWN, WV
JOE.MAMASMOTOWN
@JOEMAMASMOTOWN
page three
Sexy Anagrams
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
Rich Mesh Throws
Ark As Hi
Do you know who these hotties are?
last week’s answers
Arianny Celeste & Ryan Phillippe
I AM BEEEEEER MANNNNNN!!!
Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
(want to be famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Meet The Staff campus manager Jacob Lash Editorial manager Meagan O’Day Advertising Managers Alison Burns, Elizabeth Sokolosky
campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi
photographer You? Apply Now!
Founders Jacob Lash, Alison Burns, Elizabeth Sokolosky Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone
distribution manager Danielle Dorris
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
Social media manager Manny Debra
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
pr/Marketing TEAM Zach Adamo
Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Writers You? Apply Now!
word of the week Castrabate:
A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship. “Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”
page 4
the new icrack is here
theblacksheeponline.com
mad max wrote this
Art Levinson, the Chairman of the Board for Apple, sits in the main conference room. Most people think the headquarters are in California. Truth is, only Steve Jobs knew where the iPortal actually takes someone after they decide to cross the threshold into Genius Land. Few know where the entrance is, but employees have been known to end up anywhere from the Sahara Desert to the freezing summit of Mount Everest. Levinson stares down at the table in frustration and mumbles, “I knew no good would come of it.” “Talking to yourself again, Arty?” Levinson jumps as the hologram of Steve Jobs floats above the iWillNeverDie projector on the middle of the table. “Steve! Jesus, man. I know you live in the walls like the security system in I, Robot, but you can’t scare your employees like that.” Levinson thought he’d finally made it. He had replaced Steve “Mother Fuckin’” Jobs, the Apple movement would be under his control. It wasn’t until he was lead to the underground nether chambers and read the footnotes of Steve Job’s Last Will and Testament that he understood the unholy aspiration in front of him, and the part he’d play in the creation of the iWorld. “How goes the iPhone 5?” Jobs asks as his voice resonates from the circuitry around them. Levinson’s father always told him from an early age that he’d just be a lackey for a stream of conscience transposed onto a hologram. It was an oddly specific prediction, but the old man turned out to be right all along. “Sir, we’ve done enough. It’s a genius product, revolutionary even. But the Apple Groupies, they’re addicted sir. They just can’t stop. We can stamp a higher number on anything, and all the groundbreaking technologies we put in the last model seem as desirable as a Motorola
Razor.” “Success comes with sacrifice. Their commitment will build on Project Infinity.” Project Infinity was something Jobs had been working on for a while. There was no stopping it. The process was simple, it involves only three steps. First, make each “new model” slightly faster, thinner and take away from the thinness with a bigger screen. Second, send but one tweet about the release of the product and wait for the reaction. And finally, continue this process until the mind of Steve Jobs can rest peacefully. Project Infinity has been going on for years under the blissful ignorance of its employees, and the even greater blissful ignorance of consumers who mindlessly eat up any product Apple shits out of its iAsshole. Levinson cannot hold back his words as he yells, “Why this madness? Why must you do this to us all?” The hologram of Steve Jobs clears Levinson’s FourSquare stats for the outburst. “I’m sorry, Arty. I need them. The Apple users and their personal information are all that is keeping me in this ghost-like body that prevents me from having sex.” Levinson shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I had a reputation that if I talked slowly and articulated every other syllable during a press conference, I could sell iShit if I wanted to.” Hologram Steve Jobs adjusts the collar of his hologram turtleneck before continuing. “I will not have my death come between me and selling a product our customers eat up like crack.” His fist slams down on the conference table in anger. Levinson finds himself unable to hold back again. “But Siri wasn’t even as good as promised! Sure, she could talk all day when hanging out with Samuel L. Jackson and John Malkovich. But with everyone else it seems like she’s drunk or pretending not to hear half the time.”
Steve Jobs stares through Levinson. “How dare you insult my cyber lady.” All of Levinson’s playlist names are replaced with 90s porn titles and Justin Bieber singles. Steve Jobs has access to all iPhones. Challenging him would be a foolish act. “One last thing. Change the dock connector. I want to examine the user’s response.” “Impossible sir. They will never go for it. Things like the iHome will need brand new adaptors. It’s cruel. I can’t do it. I won’t, I won’t!” Levinson hadn’t felt this much bravado in years. Since before he worked at Apple even. They had always done so much good for the world. Then Job's control and extreme genius became even more powerful in death than it was in life. He is a powerful man, and Levinson had just pissed him off. “Silence!” This is the last yell Levinson hears before being thrust from the netherworld threshold to the exit of The Cellar, where he promptly stumbles over the velvet rope and defecates himself.
now hiring! Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?
Marketing, Sales, Promotions, Writing, Groupies, & More!
apply online at theblacksheeponline.com
The Top 10
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
page 7
Ways to Be “That Person”
Are you Harry Potter? Or are you just drunk? cody mann wrote this It’s been a long week of classes, work, and meetings and you’re just ready to drink your stress away on Friday night. So you go out, get smashed, and everything’s suddenly feeling so much better. All your friends are around you and the atmosphere is magical! Wait. Magical?! A sneaking suspicion grows on you, and you just have to know—are you actually Harry Potter? You could’ve sworn you went out down town, but suddenly everything looks a little too much like Hogsmeade. Don’t worry, The Black Sheep has got you covered. Just make sure to carry our handy guide with you whenever you go and you’ll always be able to tell whether you’re the Boy Who Lived or just the Boy Who Lived a Bit Too Much. First off, find a stick somewhere and try to bring it into a bar. Wands are an essential item for any wizard, so if you’re in a magical tavern, the bouncer won’t give you a second glance. Granted, if he doesn’t allow you to bring in your “wand,” he could just be a Muggle. So this is just a quick preliminary test rather than a really decisive one. The next test is also an easy one. Grab the nearest broomstick and find a clear roof, because it’s time for a flying test. Either you’re not Harry Potter, and therefore won’t be able to heal yourself, or you are and you could possibly get a FUI citation (Flying Under the Influence) for flying so obviously. If the flying test is also inconclusive, there are still more ways to figure this out. Find a mirror and check out your reflection. Is there a scar on your forehead? If not, don’t rule out the possibility that you just can’t see it because you don’t have your glasses on. If there definitely is a scar there are
two possible explanations. Either you actually are Harry Potter, or you cut your head open during the flying test. Get to the hospital, stupid. If you notice a hooded figure following you in the shadows, regardless of whether you’re Harry Potter or not, it’s probably not a dementor unless you’ve also noticed the temperature drop precipitously. So there’s not a lot to worry about there—you’re probably just about to get kidnapped in an alley or something. One other thing to keep in mind: when you’re wandering around outside, you’re likely to see some bright green lights. If there seems to be a general sense of panic around you, then RUN! Voldemort’s trying to cast the Killing Curse on you! But, if everything seems to be relatively normal, then those lights are probably just the traffic signals of High Street. In that case, do not run. Running will cause a car to cast a Killing Curse of its own on you. If, after reading all the tips above, you’re still not sure whether or not you’re actually a student at West Virginia or at Hogwarts, there is one surefire test that will undoubtedly tell you the truth. Yell out the name “Voldemort!” really really loudly in a bar. Either people will begin shrieking in fear (telling you that you really are the Chosen One) or they will begin laughing hysterically at you (telling you that you really are the Crazy One). However, only resort to this method as necessary, as the resulting panic/embarrassment will be fairly intense. So remember, folks, always keep this guide on hand during your weekly (or nightly) forays into the possibly magical world of WVU. Who knows, it might just save you from Voldemort.
It’s 3 a.m. and you’re deliberating on the very serious dilemma in front of you; go home or get another beer? You throw caution to the wind, say “screw it,” and grab another Keystone while pretending like you aren’t bored. You sit on the couch awkwardly with the stoned kids and that’s when you see him: That Person. That Person that orders Jimmy John’s for himself in a room of 25 drunks. That Person that never leaves even after everyone goes to bed. That Person who screams obscenities at everyone they play pong against because they’re ”the man.” Don’t be That Person. Here are a few tips to help you avoid being the subject of the grumbled hungover conversation the next morning. 10.) Opening the door for the police: Really, guy? Any time a gruff voice on the other side of a locked door says, “Police, open up!” it’s either an actual cop or a male stripper. At sausage fest house parties, neither are welcome. Keep that door closed. 9.) Leaving your too-drunk friend: No, Emily is NOT okay propped up against the trash can for the night. She’ll wake up in the morning disoriented and scared because you’re the one who dragged her to this shindig and made her stay until she puked. 8.) Starting a fight: You lack the depth perception necessary to win this battle. If you’re the guy who has to start a fight over losing that ONE game of pong, you should go back to the keg and fill that gaping hole in your face with a little more beer before something bad happens – like getting your ass handed to you because you can’t see straight. 7.) Spilling: If you spill something, clean it up. Everyone’s encountered that person that spills beer and just throws something over it and walks away – NOT cool. 6.) Eating the host’s food: It’s not cool to eat all of the hot dogs and then pretend like you didn’t, even though you have bread crumbs and pig assholes hanging out of your mouth. The food you just ate is your host’s only form of sustenance; Don’t do it, ok? 5.) Repeated crashing: Just because the host let you nod off in their bed once, that doesn’t mean you have a free pass to lay with your puke bucket on their couch every other weekend. 4.) Alternative bathrooms: The closet is not another bathroom, despite the hoards of drunken people who claim it is as such. And no matter how long the line is to the toilet, the balcony is also never acceptable. 3.) Public nookie: If the sexual tension is breaking tonight, take it into a locked, vacant room. No one needs to see you “fingerblast that one blonde” on the couch. 2.) Mooching booze: If you don’t have anything to drink, offer to pay for a beer run or just leave. This isn’t Sister Mary’s of the Poor Guy Who Spent All His Parents’ Money During the First Month of School. That’s not even a thing, man. 1.) Drama: Now is not the best time to tell your best friend that you made out with her boyfriend. Well, there’s never a best time, just a least worst time.
the black sheep staff wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What is your favorite part about game day in Morgantown? "Tailgating with all my friends and their families!" - Mary P., Senior
"Getting wasted mid-day, and waking up beside random naked bitties... seriously though, seeing the town all blue and gold." - Jamie H., Senior
"How excited everyone gets before the game and how proud everyone is." - Alex H., Freshman
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
page 7
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The Black Sheep Overly Specific October Horoscope psychic sally wrote this
ARIES: The start of colder weather combined with the beginning of fall trends leads you to assume that chapped lips and hard nips are in this year. You’re wrong though; chapped lips and hard nips are in every year. Like leggings. TAURUS: The unexplained happens as you’re drawn to watching a sitcom about gay guys adopting babies. You deny watching the show to your friends, but they soon catch on as you start taking better care of your skin. GEMINI: A cafeteria binge leaves you incapacitated with a tacodemon reeking havoc in your stomach. You attempt to perform an “exorcism” of this bad karma by overdosing on laxatives, and the suffering evens it out. CANCER: The results of your last exam have induced a buying spree of 5-Hour Energy, Adderall, and salted caramel mochas in preparation for your upcoming exam. Unfortunately, your “broom hand” is too jittery to fill out the scantron. LEO: This Sweetest Day, single you is visited by your ghosts of
girlfriends past. True to character, they all show up drunk, crying, and you know, dead. VIRGO: You give the trick-or-treaters a scare when you open the door wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and loincloth. You may have dressed-down for Halloween, but we recommend dressing up for your impending court date. LIBRA: You fall victim to Robert Byrd’s business ploy/Devil’s Night prank when you use one of the condoms they covered with pepper and poked a hole in. Stay hydrated. SCORPIO: Congrats, the sultry looks you’ve been giving your T.A. have paid off, and after class she rewards you with a “hay ride” and trip to her “petting zoo.” Hopefully, for your sake, you’re into involving animals in your sex life and women with mustaches made out of hay. SAGITTARIUS: Your new diet of Captain, cider, and donuts has you leaving spooky, smelly farts haunting all the rooms you have class in. The same kind of farts from which Slimer originated.
LAUNCH PARTY FRIDAY SEPT 28
CAPRICORN: Haunted houses no longer frighten you, as you brave a much more frightening quest and take a dump at The Mountainlair. AQUARIUS: You fear a rip in the space-time continuum has happened during the weekend of the thirteenth, but then you just realize that all these people saying that they are “you in twenty years” are just alumni coming back for homecoming. PISCES: This fall the falling leaves fall in line with you falling in love with a little fault called alcoholism as you fall off the wagon once and for (f)all.
RUSTIC HIGHWAY FRIDAY OCT 12
CHRIS HIGBEE FRIDAY OCT 19
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE
The Bar Grid
DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID
$2 Italian Ice Shots $2 Mixed Drinks $2 Domestic Bottles (Drink Specials 9pm12am)
$5 Wings & Fries Buffet $2 Miller Drafts $2 UV Bombs $4 Long Islands
5-8 Happy Hour in the Red Zone: 1/2 Price Apps & 2-4-1 Drinks Willey's 9-11: $2 Bottles and $3 Call Drinks No cover before 10.
$1 Natty Pitchers $2 Mixed Drinks $3 Cherry and Grape Bombs (Drink Specials 9pm12am)
College Gameday in HD at the Red Zone! $1 Pints and 0.50 Wings. Willey's 9-11: $2 Bottles and $3 Call Drinks No cover before 10
$2 Italian Ice Shots $2 Tequila Shots $1 Natty Pitchers (Drink Specials 9pm12am)
Sunday Football Funday in the Red Zone! Every NFL game in HD! $5 Pitchers and Homemade BBQ Food Specials
WED: College Night! 18 to party, 21 to drink $0.25 Drafts $.50 Mixed Drinks $2 Bottles
Beer & Champagne Special 9pm - 11pm $2 Bottles & Mixed Drinks, $3 Bombs After 11
2 for 1’s All Night (Including Premiums) No Cover
Ladies Night! FREE Cover for Girls 2 x 1 Mixed Drinks $2 Shot of the Night $1 Drafts
$3 Wells, $2 Can Beer No Cover Before 10pm
$3 Night! Applesauce, Grape Bombs, Long Island Iced Tea, Jack Daniels, Jager Bombs and Washington Apples!
Sat. 9/29
$3 Jager Bombs $1 Natty Drafts
DJ LOKI 2-4-1 Everything!
$3 Wells, $2 Can Beer No Cover Before 10pm
Miami EDM Night! $2 Bottles, $2 Shot of the Night, $3 Liquid Cocaine, Ecstasy Red Bull and Vodkas, Purple Haze
sun. 9/30
$5 Breakfast Buffet, $2 Pints $4 Bloody Mary's
Closed
2-4-1 Everything!
Rehab Sunday's Coming Soon!
Closed Check Us out on Facebook!
mon. 10/1
$5 Wings & Fries Buffet $2 Budweiser Drafts $3 Rail Mixed Drinks $3 Skyy Cherry & Grape Bombs
MNF in HD at the Red Zone! $0.35 wings 5 for 10 Buckets of Beer SCORE and POUR - Every time a team scores a TD, we pour shots! Watch the Game on the 80" HD Big Screen
Closed
Closed
Closed
Closed Check Us out on Facebook!
2-4-1 Drafts & Rail mixed drinks $3 Dragon bombs
5-11: $2 Captain, Jack, Smirnoff, Clique, Bacardi and $1 Miller Pints in the Red Zone
Closed
Closed
Closed
Closed Check Us out on Facebook!
$3 Midshelf Drinks $2 Shock Top Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
BOGO! Buy One, Get One Drinks and $5 Nacho Grandes in the Red zone
$1 Natty Pitchers $1 Mixed Drinks (Drink Specials 9pm12am)
9pm - 11pm: Jack, Jim, Captain, and Absolut Specials $5 Cover
$1 Shot Wheel Specials No Cover
College Night! 18 to party, 21 to drink $0.25 Drafts $.50 Mixed Drinks $2 Bottles
Fri. 9/28
Saturday and Sunday: 2-4-1 Everything!
FRIDAY & SATURDAY $3 Wells, $2 Can Beer No Cover Before 10pm
tues. 10/2
$1 Drinks and Drafts for Ladies
The Red Zone, located in Bent Willey's, is now open for lunch daily.
wed. 10/3
SPECIAL NIGHT
NFL & NCAA in the Red Zone 8 - 11: $5 Pizzas, Beer and Champagne, $4.50 L.I.T. and SCORE and POUR. Party on the deck with Lacy Neff! Beer and Champagne till 11. 11-cl: $2 Bottles and $3 Call Drinks
thurs. 9/27
Every Day Wed-Sat (after midnight) $3 Long Islands $2 Natty Pitchers $5 Motown Blue $2 Italian Ice Shots
FRIDAY! $5 Wings & Fries Buffet $2 Miller Drafts $2 UV Bombs $4 Long Islands
$2 Yuengling Drafts for Guys
Catch all the games in HD, 7 days a week.
DJ O $0.25 Cent Pints $2 Mixed Drinks
& N T E S W E T E T S O T H
The
GENTLEMAN’S CLUB
in Morgantown
EY!
N O M ) D O O G R O ( S U O D EARN TREMEN NOW HIRING DANCERS!
VIP’S , S E C N A D E T A IV R P , S IE SEXY L AD !
BOOK YOUR PART Y NOW
18 TO JAM, 21 TO SL AM
! T H G I N Y A D S R U H T Y R E V E T S E T N O C R U E T A M A 0 0 $5
ELITE GENTLEMEN’S CLUB
593 Blue Horizon Drive ^ Morgantown ^ 304-598-7200
p e e h s k c a l b The ! y t r a p h c n u la H T 4 R E B O T C O , Y A D S R U TH S ’ Y E L L I W AT BENT
, G A W S E E R F , S L A I ! T C E H P G I S N K L N I L GREAT DSRTS, AND PRIZES A CONTE
TheBlackSheepOnline.Com @theblacksheep99
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week ally b club slevin Major: Broadcast Journalism
Favorite drink to make: Key lime pie shots
Relationship Status: Single Best Part of Working at Slevin: The fun working environment and my coworkers. Favorite Liquor to drink straight: Vodka Worst night to bartend: Tuesday Advice to girls trying to get free drinks at the bar: Buy your own first drink, then make conversation with people around the bar. They will be more likely to buy your next drink when they see your drink getting low.
the drinking game
mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Biggest pet peeve: People I don’t know begging for free drinks at the bar. What do you think is your most attractive attribute: My outgoing personality. What do you think is the best hangover cure: Water and sleep. Worst thing about bartending: Not getting to go out some weekend nights because you’re working.
Recipe for Disaster
state fair mac'n'cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow. Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one). - Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet. - While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl. - Beat two eggs in another bowl. - Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour. - Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered. - Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy. - Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in. You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
Flipping Flippingthe thescript script
so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...
dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin' Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tiptoe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.
We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves, for watching. So, as The Black Sheep prefers to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan
ron swanson on survivor Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, buffets, and honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out matched by only his mustache.
Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.
Win or Lose?
The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.
charlie day on america's got talent
out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.
Win or Lose?
Win or Lose?
dave rose on top chef
Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.
sterling (malory) archer on
stars earn stripes
Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well. Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.
Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in.
Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?
Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.
lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit
Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.
Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.
Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.
Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come
Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedules and no time for a social life.
Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.
Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of "The Night Man Cometh", if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.
Louie on the bachelorette
back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini. Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.
Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.
Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.
Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.
the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.
Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like… good. This won’t bode well because…
Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.
the interview
junk culture
Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept to finished product? Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question. TBS: I know. Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.” TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward? Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time. TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you? Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work. TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live? Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it. TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song? Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out. TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show? Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would always be interesting to see—doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that. TBS: Five words to describe your live show. Deepak: Tough, rock. TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music? Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be? Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend? TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long. Deepak: What about a gnome or something? TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome. Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something. TBS: No amusement parks, though.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.
the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.
matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.” That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”
the riddle
can you figure out what the hell this riddle says? email us the question and the answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and possibly win a prize!
the classtime summer & winter olympic sports Across
1) A certain Cleveland-native comes to mind. 3) Love! 4) Nicole Richie would suck at this sport. 7) Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. 10) Tweet, tweet. 11) Neigh! 12) This grappling sport means “gentle way.” 13) Hipsters on steroids. 17) Stickin’ that booty out for the good of the sport. 18) Housewives would pick this up so easily. 19) A new edition for the 2016 Rio games.
win a gold medal. 6) These nasty people get flexy. 8) Iceland digs this sport the most. 9) Really intense football, basically. 14) First played in 19th century Canda. 15) White picket. 16) This was known as yachting until 1996. 20) One of the most dangerous sports.
Down
2) Skeet, skeet, skeet. 3) Three times the difficulty. 5) Forrest Gump would definitely
Answers
the best sports bar in town! AIR HOCKEY • BUCK HUNTER • FOOSBALL • POOL TABLE • 9 TVs
2-4-1 special! if you bring in this paper!
@4thNGoal | 234 1/2 Walnut St., Morgantown
the quiz: who is your white house hook-up? Regardless of how many morals you may think you have, when you're seven SoCo limes in you're going to be thinking with your nether regions, not your brain. Therefore you're going to find a hook-up buddy, even if just for the night. So in the spirit of election season, take our quiz to find out which political person you would grab at 2 a.m.
7) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 8) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
9) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
answer key
6) How do you engage with younger voters? a) Invite them over to the big house for some homemade brew. b) Outlining a series of policies that benefit them, like anal. c) Pop out enough babies to win the popular vote yourself.
5) a = 2, b = 1, c = 3 6) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
3) What do you look for in a potential running mate? a) A body to die for, but brain dead. b) Let’s just say it’s important they know their constituates intimately. c) Firm goals you believe in, with a butt to match.
5) Do you think gays should be allowed to marry? a) I'm Pro-Chick-fil-A, that shit is delicious. b) As long as I can keep doing what I'm doing, then I don't care. c) Yes, all couples deserve the same benefits.
7) What political perk would you casually drop in conversation? a) Your awesome view of Russia. b) The free condoms in the Oval Office. c) Having a full-time chef at your disposal. 8) What do you do the morning after a political victory? a) Press the meat…on your g-spot. b) Mimosas over the Washington Post. c) Establish citizenship in a different country and run for office there. 9) What would you do if you ran into a former opponent in public? a) Have one of your aides make up an excuse while you hide in the bathroom. b) Politely offer your well-wishes and move on with your day. c) Challenge them to a debate in the closest broom closet you can find.
3) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 4) a = 3, b = 2, c = 1
2) What's the first thing you try to find out about a political opponent? a) If they like to get dirty. b) If their charity work involves washing the dirty. c) Just the dirt, immediately.
4) What is your stance on abortion? a) Pro-choice all day, every day. b) I'm pro-banging, is that enough for you? c) Psh, only if it's legitimate rape.
1) a = 3, b = 1, c = 2 2) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
1) What political euphemism for sex would you drop on a hook-up? a) “How about we get bipartisan up in this?” b) “Judging by the look in your eye, the House of Representatives gavel isn’t the only think I’ll be banging tonight.” c) “Don’t Linda Tripp over my huge cock.”
9-14 Points: Sauced-Up and Sexy Sarah Palin or Paul Ryan They aren't the sharpest crayons in the box, and they go off on all sorts of crazy drunken rambles about who-knows-what, but none of that matters when their ripped abs and beautiful hair are in your bed. These are the freaks who are stupid enough to try anything (or position) once, which makes for an awesome one-night-stand. It's best to leave it at that though, because any future run-ins with these crazy people will either be awkward or just uncomfortable.
15 - 21 Points: ExXXperienced Pooty Tang Monica Lewsinky or Anthony Weiner Usually a slick undergrad with a badass fake-ID or a 5th senior, these folks know what they want and are not shy about getting it. Maybe they've gotten extra credit in unconventional ways, or have taken a naughty picture or two in their day but, hey, that kind of shit really turns you on, and that's cool with us. Whether it's a one-night hook-up or something that turns into a regular weekend booty call, you know that whenever it goes down it's going to be the real deal.
22 - 27 Points: Diamond in the Rough Barack or Michelle Obama You aren't one to normally pick up a random at the bar, but we all have basic human urges that need to be fulfilled sometimes. Lucky for you, you've got a good enough filter to pick out the quality hook-ups in the dark depths of a dirty bar, the ones with just enough gusto to be inticing but with what appears to be (on the outside) a solid STD-free record. So it may not be the love of your life, but at least it'll be a memory you'll look back on fondly.
WEDNESDAY College Night. 18 to party 21 to drink .25c drafts, .50c mix drinks $2 bottles
THURSDAY Ladies Night FREE COVER FOR GIRL 2X1 mixed drinks
FRIDAY
$2 shot of the night
$3 Night!
$1 drafts
Applesauce, grape bombs,long island iced tea, jack daniels, jager bombs and Washington apples! SATURDAY MIAMI EDM NIGHT $2 bottles $2 Shot of the night$3 Liquid cocaine, Ecstasy Red bull and vodkas, Purple haze
LOCATED BEHIND CASA D’AMICI !